Validating Our Defense Style

Which of the following are we the most sensitive to?: Guilt (where someone tries to manipulate us to do what they want –Distant Defense), Blame (where we are made wrong so that we feel inadequate –Disarming Defense), or Shame (where someone interrupts us to make us look bad in front of others –Dynamic Defense)?

  • How do we approach creativity: Conditionally (based on how the other person engages and how receptive they are to what is suggested —Distant Defense), Interactively (by focusing on the other person to create new possibilities based on our interaction –Disarming Defense), or Self-Generating (by focusing on our own experience and relying on our internal sense of organization to bring clarity to others –Dynamic Defense)?

  • When we are attracted or interested in someone, how do we let them know? Are we: Indecisive (making them indicate some interest before we respond to them –Distant Defense), Assertive (do we make some kind of gesture that’s obvious to them – Dynamic Defense), or Passive (do we let them figure it out, making our interest very subtle and easy to be misinterpreted in case they are offended—Disarming Defense)?

  • When we are upset, how do we demonstrate our anger? Do we Ignore or Deny our feelings (not letting others get the best of us—Distant Defense), or do we become Combative or Confrontational (letting others clearly know weare offended—Dynamic Defense), or do we put a temporary Space Between our self and others (trying to figure out what we could have done differently—Disarming Defense)?

  • What do others most notice about us? Do we keep our agreements and are reliable and consistent (Distant Defense), are we direct, masterful, active, alive and a risk-taker (Dynamic Defense), are we open, easy-going, mysterious, wise and able to attract what we want (Disarming Defense style)?

  • In our communications, are we: Perfectionist (wanting to make sure we say things with just the right emotional tone and caring—Distant Defense), Precise (up-front and clear, with strong intellectual focus—Dynamic Defense), or Self-deprecating (fluid, wanting to make sure others know their importance—Disarming Defense)? Or fluid and accepting (Pioneering).

  • When meeting others for the first time, do we find more often than not, that we are: Emotionally Distant (Dynamic Defense), Physically Distant (Disarming Defense), or both Emotionally and Physically Distant (Distant Defense)?

  • Do we feel more capable on: Mental and Emotional Levels (Distant defense), Physical and Mental levels (Dynamic Defense), or Emotional and Intuitive levels (Disarming Defense)? Are we open both physically and emotionally, revealing a balance of Aliveness and Wisdom (Pioneering)

  • When others observe our energy: are we denying both physical and emotional styles seeming constrained, rigid, with a sense of Inertia? (Distant); are we emotionally available, soft, easy-going but not fully grounded? (Disarming); are we physically available, clear, precise, grounded, but without a sense of higher connectedness? (Dynamic); are we both physically and emotionally available, demonstrating a balance between being grounded and the capacity for higher unrestricted expression? (Pioneering)

  • When asked to make a commitment, what is our natural response: We try to delay a decision until we’ve had time to consider all the options? (Distant); we say yes conditionally, hoping that it will all work out? (Disarming); we attempt to pin down and define every contingency in advance? If we can’t, do we refuse to commit to the task? (Dynamic); we seek to clarify the different expectations of people and to provide a group framework for appropriate action? (Pioneering)

HOW TO BE PIONEERING

When we are Creative Pioneers we accept both the masculine and feminine nature within us, fully seeing that either way can be effective in many of our endeavors. Optimally, it is best to use both our masculine and feminine energies in order to produce a synergistic effect, which supports us in being more present and aware. Pioneers operate from the following basic premises:

1. Pioneers do not accept that they need to be compromised in any way. They know that there is always a Creative solution to every problem. They also realize that Intensity and personal Desire repulses wisdom minimizing Creativity.
2. Pioneers do not fear that anyone can compromise them in any way. They understand that Fear and Excitement attracts compromises, decreasing Aliveness, and Creativity.
3. Pioneers use mutual respect and esteem to neutralize imbalances caused by our partner’s Attachment to their false identity. This arises from completely accepting themselves as they are, recognizing their own self-esteem and self-respect.
4. Pioneers choose to operate with less defensive people as much as possible because it effectively supports their larger Creative Expression. One of the largest benefits is that they don’t need to explain themselves as much to people who are less defensive. In other words, the more defensive people are, the more caught up others are in the Pioneer’s lack of defenses.
5. Pioneers expand their Autonomy skills by allowing themselves to heal and let go of the compromises of their past. They create a new level of Being which is present and not attached to the past.
6. Pioneers increase their Intimacy skills because it supports them in being connected in a way that is spiritually and socially uplifting. They realize that sharing and cooperating are ways of being that produce synergy.
7. Pioneers, by accepting their true inner nature (not looking to others to provide that for them), allows them, paradoxically, the ability to let the Universe indicate to them what to do next. Ironically, this allows Pioneers to go full cycle of letting go of outer appearances and Attachments, to honor their Internal Knowing so that they can be open to seeing the spirit move in the world and thus facilitate their alignment.

Finally, you will see the results of defensive healing when you realize that you have been in a Creative Flow where you trusted the process and allowed your Creativity to come out.  In other words, the complaints, concerns, and fears of your personality were quieted, allowing you to fully experience your Creativity.  This awe-inspiring event can be a daily occurrence if you were only to adjust yourself to not being defensive. 

One way this occurs is by letting go of your Belief system.  Instead of using Beliefs to keep you from examining your Truth in the moment, you can begin to realize that you now have the consciousness to create and know your Truth in each moment by your ability to be in the moment.

You could seek out clear, non-defensive individuals to help you see the effects of your growth. Unfortunately, it is easier to project your stuff onto non-defensive individuals and actually believe it is their stuff. This is because truly non-defensive individuals don’t care what you think.  The ironic thing is that the more you believe a person who is not being defensive is defensive, the more you are projecting your issues and judgments on them. 

It has also been my experience that many people who do not buy into the possibility of a non-defensive reality do not understand how you could not be a part of their process.  Instead, they believe and insist that you are reacting to the situation, when in fact you experience no reaction at all. They experience your "illusiveness" as defensiveness, or at best, being smarter than they are. Of course, this is all their Projection. We know this process as “not taking a Position”.

What this means is that you could more effectively grow if you were to assume that your defensive issues are entirely your own.  To do so indicates great confidence in your ability to own the entire process so that defensive Projections can be resolved and are a thing of the past. Owning the entire process means that you know how people operate defensively; you know, most likely, what their projections will be; you sometimes say things that could appear to be defensive as a way to minimize the time they are in their defensive identity; but you always keep the opportunity open that they are going to operate non-defensively, and pray for this.

The burden of the people without defensive identities is that everyone with a defensive identity has to make them wrong and different in order to maintain their own sense of safety and security. I recommend that you don’t take these attacks seriously or personally and accept that they are attacking you because they don’t know better. Instead I suggest that, while we do operate in the world fully, we also see ourselves living beyond it on a spiritual level. It is our spiritual anchor that keeps us stable and growing despite the sabotage of others who do not understand us.

It is time now to accept that you know all that you need to in order to do your defensive healing and in fact, many of you have been practicing being Pioneers for some time and can now be encouraged by the perspective you have about Defenses. What has been revealed is not only how to operate non-defensively but how to accept and understand others when they are defensive. Underlying our defensive identity are our Autonomy and Intimacy needs, which were not being met. When we take responsibility for creating Autonomy and Intimacy in our lives, our defensiveness will be a thing of the past and the outcome will likely be that we will be happy with ourselves and where we are going.

For it is only our Defenses that were locking us into ways of operating that kept us from being happy. Now that we know that our happiness is in our own hands, then the incentive to try to prove ourselves at the cost of others is lost allowing ourselves to grow and be with others in ways that are Creative and uplifting. It is time now to be Pioneers and by doing so be examples in a world that needs new ways to operate.

HEALING OUR DEFENSES

Distant Defense Style individuals can best heal by addressing the following:

  1. We need to stimulate our inner energetic connection with our Self so we are free to fully be our Self with others. The first step is to minimize our negative, critical self-dialogue. Instead, we need to build a positive inner framework for affirming and re-interpreting (from the glass is half empty to it is half full) our creative process. We also need to eliminate whatever beliefs limit our creative re-birth. This means in situations where we feel driven to make things perfect, we need to let go of this image and find ways to see the perfection in what actually is in front of us. This will increase and build a sense of connection that will lead us to discover how much we are wanted.
  2. We need to stop personally engaging guilt as a Creative Self-denial process. The more we need to justify our existence by caretaking and providing support to others, the more we will be caught in activities that do not honor or support us. When we use guilt to get our Self to do things we do not want to, it is easy to use guilt to get others to do what we want. If we do this, we will be more likely to take on their guilt when they want something in return. In short, using guilt opens us up to being guilty about others.
  3. We need to stir up our lives and increase our willingness to engage change so we do not fall into pre-established expectations that limit our spontaneity. In other words, we need to use the fire of Transmutation to burn through our entranced, conditioned behavioral patterns. Inertia is the primary obstacle to shifting out of defensive interactions. Recognizing and healing our unconscious reaction patterns demonstrates that we are not these patterns and can change and evolve. This will allow us to playfully engage new opportunities without getting caught up in performing.
  4. It would be useful to investigate our thoughts and emotions on a deeper level in a way that allows us to see how they do not always need to calibrate to one another. As Distant defense style individuals one of our core protection patterns is to constantly shift between thoughts and emotional perspectives, to create a less reactive interpretation of what is occurring. When we see how our thoughts and emotions are just two out of five frameworks (physical, feeling, emotional, intellectual, and intuitive) it reduces our need to explain everything in terms of these two. The result is we are less reactive. This allows us to be more open and responsive to others in the moment. Currently, we may be scared by divergent emotions and seemingly contradictory thoughts and end up disappearing in the confusion.
  5. It is time to question and challenge our perceived Safety Fears and Security Desires that were instilled in us as children and may no longer serve us. While many of these old patterns were useful to us as a child, as adults they keep us from being present with our Self and our outer circumstances. We can start by challenging our fears in areas where there is little to no consequence, moving on to larger issues, such as our fear of death. We want to release the energy trapped in these patterns (which is causing use to become rigid) so we can regain our fluidity and be spontaneous.
  6. We can investigate how we create a superficial sense of harmony between us as people by avoiding conflicts and reactions. By addressing our internal conflicts and reactions, we discover that we have nothing to fear about them. We also can at the same time, release our frustrated desires about how others should love us. The more we can see that our Personality Fears and Desires are past conclusions we do not need to act out in the present, the less relationship baggage we need to bear. We also need to examine whether our roles are actually keeping us from building a creative flow and expression with others. If possible, we should try changing our roles, experimenting with how creative and flexible we can become.
  7. With the help of a partner we trust, we can explore how we can simultaneously feel emotionally connected and physically affectionate. The key is to “unthaw” the frozen energy caught up in past patterns. We can also try to slow down the process in order to notice how we ebb and flow between these our emotions and sensations. We may need to share our reactions and patterns as they arise for some period until we can be completely present with our Self. This will be a great healing process as long as we do not judge our self (or own up to it as it is occurring) or our partner. This should allow us to learn how to relax and be present with our partner as well as our Self.

Dynamic Defense Style individuals can best heal by addressing the following issues:

  1. We need to stimulate our inner feminine connection to our Self, realizing we want to relate to our Self in a more fulfilling way. This will empower us to see the many different spatial dimensions energetically arising between people. Through this we learn to maintain an inner space that cannot be invaded, compromised, or taken away by others.

  2. We need to stop shaming our Creative Self as a way of making us appear unworthy of love. Otherwise, we continually have to prove our lovability. When we recognize that we focus on our personality self to keep from being distracted by others, we start to understand that our fear of being with others is self-generated. If we are able to stop shaming ourselves, we will not need to shame or blame others in order to protect our inner space.

  3. We need to soften and slow down our interactions with others so we are able to better appreciate the perfection of how things turn out. This means taking time to nurture our Self and lessen our need to use time to manage our activities and our interactions with others. This will greatly assist us in our intimacy challenges. Taking our Self off a fixed production schedule teaches us to enjoy the Mystery of what will occur rather than trying to force it to be what we want it to be.

  4. It would be useful to investigate our emotions and feelings to determine how they could communicate with one another more effectively. Remember, feelings reflect changes in our body experience while emotions reflect changes in our intellectual thought patterns. When we can integrate these two reflective intelligences, it greatly deepens our ability to relate intuitively. This will allow us to be more receptive to others on personal, social, and intellectual levels, because we will be more balanced within our Self.

  5. It is time to question and challenge how we never have things completely handled in terms of our long-term security. Imagine that we are secure within our identity to our Creative Self. Who would we be? The answer is we would be a person without defenses who now finds intimate ways to express our Self without self-sabotage. It is ironic our defenses actually create our perceptions that we are not secure. Let us recognize our true security comes from recognizing how the universe has always supported us to this point, no matter how much we have denied it. Consider how we could enjoy interacting with others even when there is nothing in common. We could discover we do not need a purpose in order to connect with others.

  6. We can investigate how we do not believe relationships are real when they are not dealing with the logistics and/or perceived tensions in the situation. We tend to want to confront these issues, believing doing so will reduce their effect. Unfortunately, when we are with Disarming defense style individuals the opposite, actually occurs. The true challenge is to create a sense of intimacy which naturally occurs when we are vulnerable and can admit when we do not know what to do. It is important that we do not over-direct others, but rather create a safe space with them so they will not feel criticized or judged. For a while, practice going overboard in the commitment to be intimate as a way to neutralize past imbalances.

  7. With the help of a partner with whom we feel a sense of Unity, Trust, and Love, we can explore how to listen deeply to our feminine side by demonstrating that we can listen to their feminine side. When we establish this common connection it dramatically reduces our ability to maintain separate positions without falling into any unconscious merging or Co-Dependent behavior. Valuing our inner feminine naturally enables us to be compassionate with others. When we no longer feel impatient or driven to manage the process we will know a shift has occurred within us around our feminine nature. Over time we will gradually become stronger and more balanced between our feminine and masculine expressions.

Disarming Defense Style individuals can best heal by addressing the following issues:

  1. We need to stimulate our inner masculine connection to our Self, realizing we want to relate to our Self in a clearer, interactive but determined way. This will empower us to see the many different time orientations we have been ignoring. We will learn to ground and express our thoughts and actions more succinctly. Through this we learn to master our ability to organize ourselves to be self-sufficient and self-generating. We then create a sense of mastery that cannot be denied, compromised, or affected by others.

  2. We need to stop blaming our Creative Self as a way of making us appear intellectually and physically unworthy to be with others. This creates a situation where we lose our Self while trying to take care of others in order to keep them from attacking us. Our focus on others, at the cost of our own well-being, is a protection mechanism that actually attracts attack because we make ourself appear weak. If we are able to stop blaming our Self, we will not need to shame or blame others in order to protect our limited, apparent choices.

  3. We need to listen to our creative source and move more decisively into action so we are able to better appreciate how capable we are at manifesting our life expression. By assuming a passive position about our “self” and Creative Self expression, we unconsciously communicate we are okay with our current situation. Since we do not take action, others, particularly Dynamic defense style individuals, accept what we are currently doing is our limit. As we are not clearly expressing our inner discontent, for fear of appearing demanding or inappropriate, others discount our creativity because we are discounting it.

  4. It would be useful to investigate our intellectual doubt and physical passivity to determine how they are related to our creative Self-denial. Healing this breach requires more passion and commitment to go beyond our personality fears. This means creating the inner space necessary to create an effective, productive environment. This way we will not be dependent upon others for our own productive expression. We need to learn to enjoy making commitments we will meet no matter what. Imagine how we can build our Self-Esteem by keeping our word – doing what we say we will do. Consider how a more active outer presentation might increase others’ ability to relate to us and to listen to what we have to contribute.

  5. It is time to question and challenge how we never have things completely handled in terms of our short-term safety. Imagine that we are able to manifest our safety within our Self. Who would we be? The answer is we would be a person without defenses who now finds productive ways to express our Self without self-sabotage. Our defenses actually create our perceptions that we are not safe. Let us recognize our true safety comes from recognizing how the universe has always supported us to this point, no matter how much we have denied it. Consider setting out on adventures by ourselves where we have nothing to rely on but our own resourcefulness. Who are we? We could discover we do not need someone else to reflect us and make us real.

  6. We can investigate how we do not believe relationships are real when they ???are not discussing our aspirations, our feeling/desires, and how we would like to get there. We tend to want to ignore the practical side of circumstances, hoping for the best. This is partly because we do not want to interfere with someone else’s way of engaging a process. Unfortunately, when we are with Dynamic defense style individuals, the opposite actually occurs. The true challenge is to create a sense of autonomy and mutual, harmless truth telling. We cannot accomplish this by trying to protect others, but rather by creating a secure structure with others where both of us will not be criticized or judged. For a while, practice going overboard in our commitment to be outrageously direct, as a way to neutralize past withholding.

With the help of a partner with whom we feel a sense of Unity, Trust, and Love, we can explore how to act in alignment with our masculine side by taking action with others in creative projects where we work together. In this situation, we experience Co-Creativity as a team, and we all feel a greater sense of Aliveness. This indicates that we are embodying our masculine side. When we no longer feel limited in our ability to successfully engage projects out of our own perseverance and will, it reflects our masculine is becoming more capable of working with our feminine, producing a sense of balance, wholeness, and grace.

DEALING WITH SIMILAR DEFENSE STYLES

In this process, we naturally avoid potential partners with the same defense style. This is because anyone that could deeply see us would be able to see and call us on our defensive behavior. At the core of this issue is our ability to see ourselves as we are. As long as we are denying our Authentic Nature, we will continue to attract opposite Defense Style individuals into our life because they help us to regain our wholeness. As long as we have imbalances in our perception, we will continue to hold onto what we fear and what we desire at the cost of our own creative wholeness. Recognizing defenses are an important step in regaining our wholeness. Eventually we come to realize these defensive distortions are not real. We made them up as a way to make our Fears and Desires seem more attainable. The more we can balance our perceptions of each level (Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, Thoughts) the less defensive we will be.

It is our under-doing and over-doing or ignoring a particular level that is the source of our defense pattern. When we begin to accept our Creative Nature (and love our Creative Self) it shifts our ability to attract and be with individuals like us. The basic sequence of energies we deal with are Life, Light, and Love. Each defense compromises a particular energy. Distant Defense Style individuals compromise life by over-fixating on intentions. Dynamic Defense Style individuals compromise Light by over-fixating on thinking. Disarming Defense Style individuals compromise Love by over-fixating on their emotional reality. It is ironic and paradoxical that what we most want and seek is what we compromise by being defensive. We engage Life by confronting fears; we balance desires to find our inner Light, and our Authentic Creativity leads to Self Love. This shows up on both the levels of development and the type of defense.

If we are Distant Defense Style individuals, it is good to be able to see our Life energy and inherent Beauty by being with people who are also Distant. This is not new to us because Distant Defense Style individuals with a nurturer focus, even if they do not love themselves, will be attracted to those with a provider focus, and vice versa. This means that to really shift our energy, we need to not only be with Distant Defense Style individuals, but be with those Distant Defense Style individuals that are the same role (either nurturer or provider.) The core benefit is to accept the natural capabilities we have within us. The more we step into this possibility, the less we are concerned whether others want us. We become a source of our own wellbeing because we are not longer seeking others out to care for us. Instead, it becomes an opportunity to choose partners based on expanding our sense of self. We would suggest that this shifts because we want to be with ourselves. This Life energy shifting occurs because we have come to love ourselves. Being with nurturers means we come to accept our inherent goodness and the desire to connect with others. Being with a provider, means we have come to accept that we are able to transcend our fear by contributing in a way that transcends the need to take care of another. If we are making a transition out of a Distant Defense Style, it is important that we find partners that are making the same transition. What we don’t usually recognize is that this creates greater synergy and automatically helps to balance both of us in the larger picture.

If we are a Dynamic Defense Style individual, it is good to be with another Dynamic Defense Style individual so that the defense style cannot get in the way of our Creativity. Since both of us have clear perspectives about where we are, and we are similarly motivated to create our security through planning, it is good to engage this energy together with someone else. Instead of seeking out a co-dependent partner where we become unable to grow, being with someone similar to us actually requires us to question our assumptions about what is productive because we need to take care of the relationship side of this issue as well. What happens is that we begin to shift out of the need for security because we are seen and accepted the way we are and where we are. When two Dynamic Defense Style individuals get together, they mutually create better relationship dynamics, which helps to introduce more feminine energy. In effect, over time, they become Pioneers. This of course is the path to greater harmony and natural responsiveness to the needs of others. This last statement reflects just how great a shift in perspective there can be.

When we are Disarming and engage other Disarming Defense Style individuals, our immediate safety is continually reinforced and deepened. This permits us to experience our natural power and recognize how much we have been holding back by not engaging the possibilities in front of us. As we become clearer about our power together, we start to see how physical and intellectual alignment can actually complement our natural passion. This focuses us and clarifies how we can become more productive with each other. As a result we shift into a more balanced way of being with each other where productivity becomes a given. By moving into the masculine side more powerfully, we counter-balance our feminine perspective so we become more Pioneering. Our natural trust is supported by a greater sense of mutual Aliveness. This also enhances our ability to deal with Content together and embrace details previously unimagined.

In conclusion, what we are seeking to do is to balance ourselves and be present to our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts. When we are able to respond on these levels, it allows us to bring more Passion, Pleasure and Power to any relationship. In effect, each of these levels helps us to show up in a way that allows us to respond either in a masculine or feminine way simultaneously. This is the Pioneering perspective where our true experience can be shared without fear of retribution. The more we know who we are on this level, the less impressionable we are around others who are unbalanced. It is also easier to see what is going on with others so we have a clearer way to navigate without triggering their defenses. Learning to be harmless means understanding the distortions of each defense structure and not believing that these perceptions need to be proved or disproved. When we accept our Truth, it becomes possible to seek Truth with others by neutralizing our defensiveness.

The primary problem with defenses is that whenever we react to how others see us, we in fact unconsciously deny and discount who we naturally are. The more others question us because of our apparent differences with them the more we begin to doubt that we have anything to contribute. Our gifts naturally get lost and/or denied the more a parent or caretaker cannot honor our own natural way of being. In their attempt to make us conform to what they believe would make us safe and secure they inadvertently reinforce a reactive way of being that covers up our Authentic Creativity.

It is important now to look at how our parents questioned us to the point where we started believing their perspective about us rather than our own. In the following document for each Creative Expression or Intelligence, we will identify natural gifts that are developed with this Expression. We invite you to consider if these gifts were acknowledged, denied, and/or discounted. To the degree that you have any reaction or any confusion, it represents that in some way this gift or capacity was questioned. In extreme situations you may also experience the desire to ignore or distance yourself from whatever is being said. This reflects how you learned form others to avoid engaging in this way because you perceived your safety and security would be threatened.

Each section has been further refined into three levels: Primary Intelligence or Creative Expression, Secondary Intelligence or Creative Expression and Mental Body Intelligence or Creative Expression. We develop the Mental Body Expression first, which is usually our way of surviving our parents. Then, we develop our Secondary Expression, which reflects our ability to assert our contribution in the world and be successful. Finally, we develop our Primary Expression, which reflects the capacity to be present with ourselves and be fulfilled by our natural ability to serve others. While these differences may not be great for some individuals, they will be important to some readers, particularly when a parent expresses that energy on a Primary level and the child may operate the Intelligence on a Secondary or Mental Body Level. Remember, your parents primarily set the standard for what Expression was or was not acceptable. The more you were repressed by them or naturally suppressed yourself to please them, the greater confusion you will have about expressing yourself. At the end of this document we will discuss how we can go about forgiving ourselves for taking on these false perspectives.

It is important for us to examine each statement to determine if we can be present to it without any reaction. When we have eliminated our Imprinting we will be free to be ourselves. Then, our Creativity will flow naturally through us. The more fearful and/or judgmental we are about any qualities we do or don’t have, the more carefully we need to examine these issues because it indicates that we were judged a lot by our caretakers. It is important to realize that any desire to be a certain way can also reflect how we were trained to be by our parents. This requires us to deconstruct this desire to see if it is really a natural expression for us and determine how our parents played a role in creating our current reaction to it. The things we are searching for are Attachments, Positions, and Projections that may not be authentic for us. Some readers would do well to read through the list first identifying reactions, and then later coming back to those statements that they feel a natural heart affinity for. The challenge is to see how each discovery can liberate you from a defensive past where limited options prevailed. It is important to remember that our defense requires us to accept the creative compromises of our history to continue to exist.

QUESTIONS TO VALIDATE OUR DEFENSE STYLE

1) Which of the following are you the most sensitive to: Guilt (where someone tries to manipulate you to do what they want –Distant defense), Blame (where you are made wrong so that you feel inadequate –Disarming defense), Shame (where someone interrupts you to make you look bad in front of others –Dynamic defense) or a combination of these which reflects a Disnamic Defense.?

2) How do you approach creativity: Conditionally (based on how the other person engages me and how receptive they are to what I suggest —Distant defense), Interactively (by focusing on the other person to create new possibilities based on our interaction –Disarming defense), a combination of personal and interpersonal experiences reflecting Disnamic, or Self-Generating (by focusing on our own experience and relying on my internal sense of organization to bring clarity to others –Dynamic defense)?

3) When you are attracted or interested in someone, how do you let them know? Are you: Indecisive (making them indicate some interest before you respond to them –Distant defense), Assertive (do you make some kind of gesture that’s obvious to them – Dynamic defense), Passive (do you let them figure it out, making your interest very subtle and easy to be misinterpreted in case they are offended—Disarming defense) or selectivity engaging as a way to get others to respond to you—Disnamic?

4) When you are upset, how do you demonstrate your anger? Do you Ignore or Deny your feelings (not letting them get the best of you—Distant defense), or do you become Combative or Confrontational (letting them clearly know you were offended—Dynamic defense), do you put a temporary Space Between yourself and others (trying to figure out what you could have done differently—Disarming defense) or do you try to underplay the interaction and wait to see what develops—Disnamic defense)?

5) What do others most notice about you? Do you: keep your agreements and are reliable and consistent (Distant defense), that you are direct, masterful, active, alive and a risk-taker (Dynamic defense), that you are open, easy-going, mysterious, wise and able to attract what you want (Disarming defense style) or that you understand their needs (Disnamic Defense Style)?

6) In our communications, are you: Perfectionistic (wanting to make sure we say things with just the right emotional tone and caring—Distant defense), Precise (up-front and clear, with strong intellectual focus—Dynamic defense), Self-deprecating (fluid, wanting to make sure others know their importance—Disarming defense) or complementary (always showing the other of the situation—DIsnamic Defense Style)?

7) When meeting others for the first time, do you find more often than not, that you are: Emotionally Distant (Dynamic defense), Physically distant (Disarming defense), Intellectually Distant (Disnamic defense) or both Emotionally and Physically Distant (Distant defense)?

8) Do you feel more capable on: Mental and Emotional Levels (Distant defense), Physical and Mental levels (Dynamic defense), Physical and Intellectual levels (Disnamic defense or Emotional and Intuitive levels (Disarming defense)?

NOTICING THE DIFFERENT PERCEPTIONS OF A DEFENSE STYLE

It could be clear by now that Defenses are merely reactions to differences in perceptions. Our incompleteness drives us to make our perceptions right over the incomplete perceptions of others. There are countless opportunities to shoot ourselves in the foot regarding our Defenses. The ironic aspect of this is that until we can see and accept the full range of possibilities, we are all inaccurate and misguided, at best. We also tend to get caught up in our opinions and attempt to prove them as facts in the world when it doesn’t really do us any good. What we come to see, as we grow beyond our defenses, is that everyone’s Truth is the best they know and understand of themselves at a point in time. Since everybody has an opinion, what good is it to try to change an opinion, especially when it only leads to further defensive reactions? The solution, of course, is to not get attached to our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts as a reflection of who we are, but rather see them as ongoing expressions that are constantly evolving and changing. This also leads us to be more accepting of the differences in others because there are obviously multiple ways of seeing and expressing our Truth. Another way to get to the same point is to recognize how defensive differences do not need to be taken seriously. While it is good to honor people’s perceptions of their experience, is it really something we have to react to? As we become more Pioneering, we realize that following defensive perceptions has less importance than the larger creative opportunities in the world.

Distant Defense Style individuals tend to see themselves and others as objects, which automatically creates repulsions in Dynamic and Disarming Defense Style individuals. They frequently believe the Truth is absolute because they believe since they see their own Truth clearly, other people should be able to agree with them. This is why establishing common expectations is such an important part of their lives. In effect, Distant Defense Style individuals create fixed patterns of interacting where nothing changes. When it comes to connecting with Dynamic or Disarming Defense Style individuals, they have more sympathy for the Dynamic Defense Style individual because they are a little more aligned with them. What Distant Defense Style individuals do not appreciate (probably because it mirrors some of their own Feelings about being victimized) is the Disarming perspective, which they view as being an overemotional whiner. It is important to recognize the foundation of these distinctions is actually in our judgments about each of these levels (Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, Thoughts). The more they fixate on outer appearances, the more this reinforces superficial role playing and inauthentic behavior. Until they can break this logjam and stop getting caught up in Pretenses, they have a hard time being present to others in a neutral way.

Dynamic Defense Style individuals see clearly on the Sensation level and overdo their thinking which makes them want to direct and tell the Distant (and other) Defense Style individuals what to do. This attempt to fix Distant Defense Style individuals is not usually accepted without resistance and resentment. While they may outwardly respond, internally, they are conflicted and angry that the Dynamic Defense Style individuals do not consider them equal partners. On the other hand, Dynamic Defense Style individuals do initially love engaging Disarming Defense Style individuals as partners even though they are opposite-based attractions. This is because Dynamic Defense Style individuals have not internalized their capacity to accept their value as relationship partners. They are struggling to create Intimacy within themselves, which can then be linked to others. They see themselves as contributors in making task management contributions, which then sets up a co-dependent relationship with their partners who nurture them. This co-dependent relationship can increase the amount the Dynamic Defense Style individual leans on the Disarming Defense Style individuals and vice versa, or, in its highest expression, it can support each individual to become more balanced within themselves.

The other aspect of the co-dependent relationship is that the more the Disarming Defense Style individuals accept the leadership of the Dynamic Defense Style individuals, means they do not build their own masculine side out to create an internal balance. It is important to note that Dynamic Defense Style individuals are trying to overtly be in control while Disarming Defense Style individuals always feel covertly in control. This is because Dynamic Defense Style individuals see their influence in terms of Thoughts and Actions while Disarming Defense Style individuals recognize the Dynamic Defense Style individuals have no effective management of Passion (because they are not balancing their Feelings and Emotions) which means that they can be led around without even realizing it. They key issue for Dynamic Defense Style individuals is to learn how to balance their own Thoughts and Emotions to see multiple points of view. This means they have to let go of Attachment to their own Truth as the pre-eminent unifier to begin to actually work with others in a meaningful way. When unbalanced and positional, they get caught up in their own sense of power and end up believing that others must be pushed to make things occur so they become the dictator they hate themselves being.

Disarming Defense Style individuals are easily swayed by their own idealization of potentials and people. This means they are attracted to those who define themselves separately in unique ways and are trying to live into those possibilities. Ironically, when others do not live up to these expectations, they can then feel superior and needed. This suggests that they have more acceptance of Distant Defense Style individuals than the Distant Defense Style individuals have of them. It also means that while certain Dynamic Defense Style individuals have their respect, they are fundamentally afraid of the Dynamic Defense Style individuals becoming belligerent or angry at unexpected times. Disarming Defense Style individuals really work to maintain their inner spaciousness by not taking on the time frames of the Dynamic Defense Style individuals or the scarcity of energy perspective of the Distant Defense Style individuals. To accomplish this, they need to become more selective as to what is the best allocation of their energy and time. Their major difficulty is recognizing to what degree they should support certain endeavors. Careful allocation of the amount of energy they make available to a project in a certain time frame is necessary. Not defining themselves in terms of others and instead, strengthening their own Autonomy would be in their best interests. The core issue is they feel alone and unseen in their Passion by Distant and Dynamic Defense Style individuals, which makes things seem lonelier than they need to be.

Disnamic Defense Style individuals specialize in having much smaller disagreements with everyone because they want to reinforce a certain status quo. They are in the middle and are constantly making small adjustments for the benefit of others because they tend to believe or see themselves as not as strong. Ironically, their increased sensitivity can lead to more blow-ups when others are not calibrating and are oblivious to them. This means that many times they make greater demands that their partner be available to them. It is interesting to note that having less defensive ballast as only the Disnamic Defense style individuals have can actually lead to quicker self-acceptance and growth. The core problem they have with Distant Defense Style individuals is that Distant Defense Style individuals think of them as unreliable and inconsistent. Dynamic Defense Style individuals do not know how much to trust them and Disarming Defense Style individuals tend to feel compassionate for them because of their common capacity to become overly adaptive to others. Their biggest growth opportunity comes with people who are Pioneering because they learn to be more present with themselves and follow their own heart.

The important things to know about the Disnamic Defense Style is that they irritate everyone a little, but refuse to get caught up in fixed, long term perspectives about who they are. What this means is that Disnamic Defense Style individuals have a more versatile view of themselves and see themselves as always changing. Unlike Distant Defense Style individuals, they see their own inconsistencies and do accept them when they are pointed out. This is because they see change as natural and taking different points of view at different times as supportive. Distant Defense Style individuals do not accept that they have changed and completely ignore any inconsistencies through time.

Pioneers have the ability to meet every type of Defense Style and yet they have to shift their focus to match the assumptions of the Defense Style they are speaking to in order to have maximum alignment. For example, with a Disarming individual, a Pioneer would match the spaciousness and inner self-respect about their capacity to engage others. In this way, a Disarming Defense Style individual would relax and respond so that eventually, with greater support, they could expand into more masculine expressions. With a Dynamic Defense Style individual, a Pioneer would honor the self-esteem and internal capacity to organize structure and time. By being accepted in this way, the Dynamic Defense Style individual would relax, which would, over time, support the Pioneer in bringing in more relationship possibilities. The important point to notice is that the Pioneer always accepts and builds on the strengths of those people they are around. In this way they neutralize the conflicts, and overcome what is discounted and denied in others that is reinforcing Defense Style perceptions. With Distant Defense Style individuals, it is more difficult to find a strength that is being manifested. Sometimes the best thing to grab onto is the person’s perception that they are making the best contribution they can. The more a Pioneer reinforces their Desires, the more likely a Distant Defense Style individual can continue to engage.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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