Unifying Skills

Twelve Skills

Relationship Skills are the foundation for a new way to visualize our Self and our capability to Consciously interact with others. Our attachments and positions keep us focused on our Fears and needs at the cost of our larger well being. The more we identify with our patterns of behavior, the less we are able to be creatively empowered, open and able to Love. Building Relationship Skills is the evolutionary process of claiming our power to interact creatively and effectively with others under all circumstances. The more capable we are with Relationship Skills, the easier it is for us to meet and Consciously connect with people at any level of development. The value of developing Relationship Skills is that our common humanity emerges, inviting others to participate and connect with us in unexpected ways. Another benefit is that we begin to manifest 12 virtues that increase our natural magnetism and charisma. Finally, by beginning to neutralize our inner Conflicts and positions, we can be more present, easy and open with others.

Relationships Skills expand our perception of our Self by challenging our assumptions and Beliefs about how we interact with others. Each skill awakens us to new ways of seeing, engaging, and being with others. The more skills we embody, the easier it is to generate a relationship that manifests a fun-loving, creative flow with another that can also be extremely productive and synergistic. The key quality behind the development of skills is our capacity to be our Creative Self, first and foremost. This permits us to be inclusive with others, Consciously finding ways to unify and commune with our Partners. This ability is critical if we have Compatibility Factor differences with individuals. Skills are critical with romantic Partners, co-workers, friends, and family members, particularly if they represent our parental pattern. Having greater Relationship Skills means we do not need to compromise our Self in a way that diminishes us, either Consciously or Unconsciously.

It is not just the individual skills, but also their relationship to each other that teaches us how to come into Balance within ourselves. As we will discover, each level of the Skills diagram (see Relationship Synthesis) contains three skills we engage from left to right, completing a particular lesson. We build our skills from bottom to top, from left to right, until we operate as full Co-Creative Beings. For example, the second level, where we learn to individuate our Self, teaches us to engage life through Playfulness, to distinguish between our authentic and conditioned responses (Personality Detachment) so we will know our truth and be able to speak it (Autonomy). The purpose of skills is to allow us to become present with various parts of ourselves so we can then we more present with others. Unfortunately, many of us make Judgments about what we are or are not willing to share with others. This ends up limiting the possibilities in our relationships. By exploring our skills and finding ways to express ourselves that are in Alignment with who we are, we open ourselves to meeting others in more expansive ways that increase our success with them.

We are not able to manifest our full potential without releasing our attachments (attempting to avoid past mistakes) and positions (attempting to justify our point of view) in each skill. The more we protect our Self from the past by embracing the polar opposite of the skill, the more we sabotage our Connection with people. For example, the polar opposite of Playfulness is Seriousness, which may seem to protect us by keeping our guard up, actually reduces our Joy in being with others. The more we take one point of view at the cost of another, the less we manifest the related virtue, which for Playfulness is Daring Bold Participation. While we mistakenly believe that our attachments and positions reflect our character, they actually reflect our lack of character or individuality because they are a reaction, not a Conscious response to the world. In the diagram The Twelve Universal Connection Lessonswe see how skills provide the basis for engaging our live in a way that is more Conscious.

The Purpose Of Skills Development

What gets in the way of these skills is our predefined attachments to our identity, our Beliefs and positions about how we need to interact with others to be safe and secure, and our fear of change and Growth. Unfortunately, our previously entangled and co-dependent relationships have taught us to compromise our skills in these ways to promote a false sense of Safety and Security. Discovering how these positions compromise our higher possibilities is the healing that occurs in the Enlightened Distinctions process. What we recover is the ability to embody all the possibilities within each skill area. It is Paradoxical that owning our flexibility by releasing these old patterns creates the opportunity to take an integrated stand (an in-the-moment unified perspective) for each of these skills.

When we select Partners based on our own projected Fears and Desires, and not for who they are, we set ourselves up in a reactive, fear-based relationship where defenses become institutionalized. While it can be uncomfortable in same-defense relationships, this action permits us to easily dissolve inherent Fears as Trust builds and strong Connections are established over time. When we Consciously take charge of healing our defenses by confronting our Fears (mostly by adopting close opposite-sex same-defense relationships or close same-sex opposite defense relationships), we can begin to appreciate how we have patterned our lives to minimize fear and justify our Security Desires. Breaking out of pre-conceived limitations and biases is the goal of this discussion, particularly since doing so is the primary way to uplift and enhance our relationship opportunities.

Embodying Relationship Skills

We can sabotage our skills development by believing that we have greater skills than our Partner. In practice, our skills are only as great as our mutual ability to engage each other. This means we can never be better than our Partner because, by doing so, we are not meeting them where they are. For example, making our Partner ‘wrong’ because they are not declaring their Truth further compromises them in their ability to hear us and our Truth. Only our full participation in the process creates the optimum or maximum results. In effect, we show up wherever we are mutually manifesting our skills in the relationship. Our failure to include our Partners in our process tragically leads to a lack of success in Co-Creating with others. This reflects that reality that Conscious Relationships require that we take 100% responsibility for the results produced. There is no such thing as ‘your half of the boat is sinking.

By embracing Relationships Skills we recover our fluidity in interacting with others because we are no longer compromised by our past or fearful that others will not understand us. We realize that others will only “get us” to the degree they know and accept their creative nature. As our ability to express our creative nature grows we are no longer intimidated by what others may not understand about life. We increasingly enjoy sharing our perspective, not to “be right”, but to invite others to examine their own Experience. The result is greater Acceptance and Love for others as they are. With skills, we are able to be flexible and fluid in our interconnections, allowing us to greatly deepen them. We are also able to Experience our “common humanity”, which has many hidden gifts.

Developing Skills

In the diagramRelationship Synthesis”notice that the twelve skills are best developed from the bottom up and left to right. We usually have some of these skills because we usually have not fully compromised our Self in all twelve areas. Therefore as we sequentially go through the clearing process to fully recover these skills, we may find it much easier to engage some skills than others. Each of these skills reflects a sense of ownership of our own creative expression and destiny. The more submerged these skills are in Defensive positions and attachments, the more confused and compromised we are, creating more difficulty interacting with others. The more we distance ourselves from our own skills, the less we are in touch with our own Creativity, reflecting our defensiveness.

Typically, we develop Skills in four levels. The first level, developing our Gender Identity, is acknowledging our self in terms of our Aliveness, Wisdom and Ability to Grow. While this is the foundation for our ability to attract others to us, it actually reflects on a deeper level, our ability to Love and accept our Self. When we focus on how we can attract Partners who will appreciate and value us, it is usually because we do not appreciate and value who we are. We develop varying degrees of success in being seen by the Partners we desire depending on our social skills, social status, and appearance. When we do not understand deeper Attractions, we get caught up in Excitement as a substitute for Aliveness; Intensity as a substitute for Wisdom; and Inertia as a substitute for Growth. Asserting ourselves on a Gender Identity level is the first step in receiving feedback about who we are.

The second level is to individuate ourselves, particularly from our parents, so we can learn to take care of ourselves and acknowledge our truth. Our Individuation is made possible by the skills of Playfulness, Personality Detachment and Autonomy. Playfulness allows us to transcend our conditioning and the expectations of our parents, as well as find new ways of interconnecting with others. Personality Detachment lets us see who we are beyond our own Safety and Security issues. The more we understand that our Thoughts, Feelings and actions are expressions of us, but not who we truly are, the more we see and accept ourselves as Creative Contributors in the world. Ultimately, our Individuation rests on Autonomy, our ability to express our truth harmlessly to others. We expand our Autonomy by recognizing that everyone has the right and the duty to fully honor fully their own truth. We individuate by recognizing that we can transcend our conditioning and “herd mentality,” and become individual contributors, which prepares us to become authentic group collaborators.

The third level is to develop Connection skills where we learn how to be with others in a way that does not compromise us. To do this, we develop the skills of Paradox, Intuitive Discrimination and Intimacy. Paradox lets us explore non-serial interconnections between different perspectives, rather than trying to make everything fit the same pattern. Paradoxes empower us to engage and simplify our truth by embodying it. This is greatly facilitated by Intuitive Discrimination, when we learn to see the underlying patterns that interconnect our reality. We discover that our inner and outer worlds mirror each other more than we realize. By being Intimate, we honor others as we do ourselves. Then we Experience others seeing and accepting us just as we are. We can get support to engage our own Growth on a deeper level by being available to others. Ironically, we expand our Intimacy by learning how to be present with ourselves and not judge our Thoughts, Feelings and actions.

The fourth level is developing Higher Alignment skills by engaging Mutual Learning while becoming Physically Discerning about the timing of events so we can easily Co-Create together. With Higher Alignment skills we learn how to synchronize our creative flow and momentum so that synergistic results are possible. Mutual Learning requires us to define how we want to engage a process together. When we understand how to create opportunities where all parties can be fully involved and committed, we set the framework for mutual understanding and Growth. We develop the skill of Physical Discernment by observing our inner impulses and seeking out those impulses that can be mutually synergistic. This empowers us to honor our personal contribution as part of a larger uplifting, co-creative collaboration.

On the other hand, the more these skills are embraced and embodied, the more effectively we can interact with Compatibility Factor or Life Expression differences. Relationship Skills reflect the common Connections that we have with all other human beings. The more we are able to be present with these skills within ourselves, the more capable we are of choosing a Partner with similar skills and making the relationship work compatibly. This reflects the fact that each skill becomes a way to demonstrate our Self Love, and thus we are able to Love others. For example, the more we honor our own Autonomy, the more we demonstrate our Love of others in an autonomous way. Each skill, therefore, is a facet in the diamond of our ability to relate to others.

From Entanglement To Enlightenment In Seven Steps

You may have noticed how we have written more about Aliveness, Wisdom, Playfulness, Paradox and Mutual Learning. This is because we focus on the remaining skills in the Enlightened Distinctions course. Each chapter will cover a core skill. It is Growth, then Autonomy, Intimacy, Co-Creativity, Personality Detachment, Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment. Each of these chapters will clarify how we have taken positions that have denied our creative power. With each step, we will peel away layers where we justify our defensive position. As we learn how to recover our choices, we will become less entangled in our own activities, so it will be harder for others to entangle us.

The less we are attached to our past, the more our creativity will expand. As our relationship with our self becomes more whole, we will be able to see what is not working and eliminate it. Along the way, our perception of ourselves will change as we release our defensive identity. Instead of seeing our relationships as difficult, but necessary investments, we will view then as opportunities to enhance our growth, self-understanding and creative power. What will be different is how we don’t take on the issues of others, or feel trapped in any situation. We will be able to make the difficult choices because we will no longer lose ourselves in distractions.

These last three skills are inner practices that increase our ability to see how we are embodying the remaining nine skills. They are: Personality Detachment, Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment. All three are required in order to master the twelve skills in total. Each empowers the development of the next, with all three required to master the last. In other words, it is through Personality Detachment that we can be discriminating and it is through Intuitive Discrimination that we learn Physical Discernment. Simply stated, they are powers of observation that come into play as we learn and accept more of who we naturally are. We call them Intuitive Skills because they honor and operate from the hidden meaning or potential of any person or object. We also call them Embodiment Skills. They relate to the Common Neutral Ground concepts of Spacious Presence, Pregnant Duration and Skillful Means.

Many of us feel trapped at times in a relationship. This feeling is caused by accepting appearances as they are as unchangeable and as our actual complete reality. By projecting our current reality into the future, we can feel hopeless. Spiritual partners know about the glamour and illusion of appearances, so they look deeper within to find the natural quality or essence yet to be expressed. They find that by consciously aligning themselves with what will be manifest, they encourage the transformation sooner rather than later, which releases any tension between where they were and where they wanted to go. With the effective use of Personality Detachment, Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment, we learn to anticipate and empower the transformation of ourselves and others. These principles operate from the premise that we all are unique manifestations of the one central life, and it is our spiritual responsibility to learn how to consciously interact with each other.

We use Personality Detachment, Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment both to select partners and to guide relationship development. Through Personality Detachment, we keep our options open and learn to make choices by ourselves and with others. The objective is not to let our emotions preemptively stimulate a decision or influence us to limit options. Personality Detachment honors our life energy to make things happen. It does this by using our desire for Aliveness and our commitment to Playfulness to try new things. Intuitive Discrimination is used to consider the options and to identify which choice could lead to a satisfactory result.

Intuitive Discrimination uses the foundation of Playfulness with the light of breaking through to see new possibilities using Paradox to wake us up to those new possibilities. Intuitive Discrimination is used to consider all of the options and to identify which choice could lead, in this moment, to a satisfactory result. With Intuitive Discrimination, we are not attached to any of the results. We are also not taking into account old beliefs or positions or judgments that would hinder our Discrimination process. While Intuitive Discrimination can be used to compare options, its primary function is to “test flight” an option to consider its effectiveness and potential. To accomplish this, great discriminators model the requirements and perform simulations to determine likely outcomes.

The more we are embodied in our Intuitive Discrimination, the more we automatically see the energetic situation with others in a way that separates our current situation from the past. Doing an assessment of differences in compatibility factors is one way to develop our Discrimination skills. With practice everyone can do the same thing. We might want to start with our friends and their relationships. While we may not want to share our observations with others, this sort of exercise teaches concentration and helps to map and compare the energetic qualities of the compatibility factors with each of the other factors.

Intuitive Discrimination is the light and Physical Discernment the sword that keeps us honest and clear. It is through Physical Discernment that at times we find ourselves needing to consider separation and/or divorce. Depending on the quality of the initial selection and the alignment of life work, it may be necessary for Spiritual Partners to address the issue of divorce. Although, most Spiritual Partnerships can be salvaged with some degree of life task alignment, one can foresee a situation where paths they followed together could separate. The possible reasons for this are threefold: 1) there is an insufficient life task congruence (where the best options to contribute diverge and separate); 2) the degree of compatibility and consciousness are insufficient to lay to rest defenses, expectations and fears; and 3) there was too little Personality Detachment, Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment in the relationship in the early stages, leading to a lack of trust, love and unity when it comes to working together for a common goal.

Another benefit of this process is becoming familiar with the variety of experiences available, so we will know quickly when we see a partner with the greatest potential for success. This is when Physical Discernment comes into play. It requires that we act quickly at times with full trust in our ability and without much validation. Physical Discernment means acting from a higher source based on the clarity of our observation (Personality Detachment) and a steadiness of purpose while seeing clearly the options in front of us (Intuitive Discrimination). Great relationships are the norm when we refine our senses to see these possibilities and take action to practice and develop Personality Detachment, Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment. We hope you will find this process an enlightening one.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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