Twelve Attractive | HA events

Attractions Summary


Attractions are both a blessing and a challenge. They are a blessing because they move and shape us in ways that we do not understand. As we learn to see motives we recognize and discover that every attraction has an inherent lesson. They are a challenge because the more conscious we are about attractions, the more we see how unconscious attractions have limited our choices and prevented our growth. In other words, if we do not learn the lesson that the attraction is bringing us, then we will continue to attract the same lesson and deal with the same challenge over and over. By connecting to our internal Beauty, Truth and Goodness, we can uplift and free ourselves from our previously fixed unconscious or external attractions. When we deny these qualities, we end up feeling trapped by what we think we need from others. What frees us to choose individuals who can be effective partners is to love and trust our Beauty, Truth and Goodness. The goal of this book is to provide a framework for identifying what attractions we are affirming, denying or are confusing us. Without conscious understanding of attractions we can inadvertently be our worst enemy. Let us give to ourselves the freedom to Love and be Loved. Let us first notice what attractions occur in our life…

There are a total of eighteen attractive forces that we have identified in relationships. We break them down into four categories, although we present charts of only the twelve main Attractions to help people focus their attention on what they can most understand.  The first group of strong forces is the three Attraction Hooks (Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety). The second group of strong forces is the non-dualistic Attractions (Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness) that are at the top of the main Attraction chart. The last group of the strong attractions are the ones that integrate our Masculine, Feminine and combined energies. They are Cellular Affinity, Vibratory Response and Vibratory Expansion. These last two groups of strong forces only come into play as we become more conscious. Most of the time these are internal attractions that are primarily used to grow.

The nine basic weak attractions are found at above in the 9 Attractions Chart. These attractions can be furthered divided into Instinctive, Intellectual and Idealized levels. The Instinctive are Sexy, Smart and Reliable. The Intellectual are Innocent, Strong and Personal Autonomy. The Idealized are Acceptance, Personality-Self Rejection and Personal Intimacy. These are factors that mostly arise with others in relationships. The main issue with these weak Attractions is that they reflect primarily where we are seeking others to be what we deny within our self. Therefore, we become, over time, more clear that others may not have what we actually desire. Where we are strong, we seek our others that are weak and vice a versa. We then feel more safe and secure because we believe our partner will protect us from our weaknesses. The purpose of these weaker attractions is to get us to engage relationships so we learn about ourselves. The problem is that we get stuck in Co-Dependent relationships. This is due to the false belief that Attractions should be safe and secure, rather than a growth opportunity. We suggest that evolutionary forces want us to grow.

Based on the level of our Attractions, they also indicate different ways of connecting to our Creative Self. At the top of this diagram is the Intuitive Level Attractions: Wisdom, Awareness, and Aliveness.  These attractions become stronger as we become more conscious. Each set of Attractions relate to Life Lessons that we could consciously engage, putting us in the driver’s seat. The more conscious we are, the more we learn how to shape our Attractions to facilitate our Lessons. In the diagram below, we show how Life Lessons relate to Motives, Attractions and Skills. We also break these options down by the Four Levels Of Relationship: 1) Unconscious Entanglements; 2) Status Quo Contracts; 3) Partners In Process; and 4) Co-Creative Partnership. More on these frameworks can be found at

Overview of The Three Attraction Hooks

The three Attraction Hooks are major, overriding mandates based on insecurities, where we lose ourselves in others in order to learn about who we are. They are Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety. Attraction Hooks keep us engaged in hard or difficult lessons with others. The promise is always that things will get better but the reality is that usually things get more difficult. We call it an Attraction hook because it keeps us engaged in co-dependent relationships because we believe we need others more than we need to honor ourselves. With Attraction Hooks we are always trying to find people that will see us, serve us and accept and value us. The focus is always external, focused on others rather than on our selves. This makes it a weak Attraction internally; however, when we do not know who we are we need others validate which makes it an unconscious and strong Attraction between us.

The unconscious Attraction Hooks gradually diminish as we take greater personal responsibility for our Safety, Security and Creative wellbeing. The more Excitement the more we have not manifested our own internal Safety or acknowledged it fully. Excitement indicates that we are caught in addictive practices where we lose ourselves with others. Our desire for Security is indicated by how much Intensity we manifest in our connections with others. Intensity is a reflection of how much confusion we have about our truth. Our Creative wellbeing is easily submerged in states of Anxiety. This indicates that we doubt our own ability to follow through and manifest our intentions. The real problem with these strong Attractions (when unconscious) is that they have the cumulative power to distort our attractive choices to fit parental patterns. Cumulatively, they drive us to define a certain type we believe will end up fixing us or at least making our life easier.

Excitement is typically an adrenaline based or pheromonal driven response to the fantasy that this relationship will heal or provide exactly what we wanted from our parents but were denied. It is the most physically disconnected response to a relationship possibility, meaning that the various inputs tend to overwhelm us so we do not have very much critical reasoning about our choice. The honeymoon period lasts three to six months, when our partner fits our imago image, or type. The problem is that we choose instinctively, without much self-reflection and then cannot extricate ourselves. What makes our rationalizations work is the familiarity of how our partner matches our parent. What we are seeking is a better version of our parent, which during the honeymoon phase they seem to be able to do. The Excitement program is part of our natural procreative instinct and part of the biological imperative to replicate the species. What we do not realize is that it reduces us to primal levels where our fears dominate and we ignore our own inner counsel. Excitement is experienced as being out of breath, having sweaty palms, heart-racing palpitations and not being able to speak to the person we are attracted to.

Intensity is typically an opposite-attraction relationship where we seek partners who complement our skills, i.e., one partner is analytical and the other partner is more emotional. This means we are on a “fast track” of creating co-dependent relationships. The underlying problem is that we do not really accept or understand each other and therefore always get into arguments that drain the relationship We use makeup sex as a reason to stay together, despite the cost it has on children or each other. Proving ourselves to one another becomes the main activity that absorbs all our attention. While this can lead to more secure relationships in the short term (when we can hold it together) it has the long-term effect of wearing down the relationship where it becomes unsustainable. What we did not realize initially is that there was unconscious competition and a need to be right which made the relationship more susceptible to a constant battle of wills. While we may get stronger personally as we learn more about our own Truth, as a couple, we lose. We convince ourselves that Intensity is an indication of commitment to us, when in fact, it is actually a repulsion to us. We mistakenly believe that when a person is intense around us it indicates a commitment to us, when actually it is a commitment to their need to be right which indicates we are in the middle of an inherent power struggle.

Anxiety is typically confusion about who we are vs. who others think we are. When we cannot reconcile these differences, it creates distortions in our ability to make things work together. We seek out individuals with the same degree of anxiety in order to feel safe and secure. Everything is thrown up into the air when one of the partners decides to grow, upsetting the delicate balance. What we are seeking is agreement and yet the more we investigate the more challenges are revealed. Since we have little ability to affirm our Creative Nature, every revelation reveals a new downside that we do not want to see. This leads to us covering up our anxieties as much as possible. Anxiety is experienced as tension and collapse, where what we want always gets projected into the future. If our parents did not have a Co-Creative relationship and we have no model to build a Co-Creative relationship ourselves, there is natural anxiety about whether we are doing everything we should be doing to make things work. Anxiety is sometimes seen as an Attraction because we have the misguided notion that we can help this person be less anxious. We could even start to believe that around us they do not have to be anxious because we accept them exactly as they are. This, obviously, is a case of Idealization, which is the hallmark problem based upon hidden anxiety.

Overview of The Twelve Basic Attractions

Unconscious Attractions on the Instinctive level help us to affirm our self-image that we are valuable and deserve a partner’s attention. The more we are operating just on this level, the more we pursue partners for purely Excitement reasons. This is because we are frequently bored and lack an ability to engage our Creative Nature. The more we use Sexiness, Smarts and Reliability as attractions the less we believe we have gotten the attention, affirmation and acceptance of those we wish to make an impression upon. As a result, we tend to dismiss the individuals who want us to attempt to capture the interest of those that are more difficult. The game becomes to figure out what others want and be able to provide it on demand.

Sexiness is typically defined in terms of a “model” look or cultural standard used to evaluate the general “physical attractiveness” of a person. We tend to think of Sexiness as an externalized beauty that is striking, mesmerizing, or enchanting. The more we operate in unconscious personality judgments, the less we are able to connect or be present to the person we are evaluating. This is because we are objectifying them by how they look, which has the effect of objectifying ourselves by how we look. We are forgetting that by judging others, we open ourselves up to being judged by them. We need to remember that sexiness is an attraction that combines many types of elements besides the physical. Some would say that the inner qualities of Beauty are more important than the outer façade. Sexiness indicates the ability to connect with our energy in a way that can bring out the best in our partners. As it is a combination of perceptions that are anchored in our minds, it is not only a physical attraction. Since the attraction is internally created, it originates as a projection, which others feel compelled to either accept or reject (if they are operating on the Personality level). Only when we feel we will be accepted, does sexiness become real in any kind of external manner. This means that others need to respond to us in a way that supports our perceptions for sexiness to become a “real” relationship quality. When we are unconscious of this, we tend to seek out those who match our inner perceptions of safety and sexiness, while, at the same time, matching society’s expectations (so we feel secure in our choices). The irony is that the more we pursue Sexiness in our partner, the less sexy we feel internally. Loneliness is the result.

Smarts in others reflects an internal comfort and acceptance of our own intelligence. We typically seek others who we perceive match or exceed our intelligence (in certain ways) so intellectual stimulation occurs in the relationship. When we choose individuals with different kinds (musical, bodily/kinesthetic, spatial, intrapersonal (based on self knowing), interpersonal (based on knowing others) and logical/mathematical) or levels (concrete, experiential or abstract) of intelligence, it either reflects that we seek a particular type of stimulation or that we are threatened by individuals who may match or exceed us in our self-perception of intelligence. The challenge is to not believe in the absolute accuracy of our evaluation of intelligence, because there are many kinds. When we get fixed in judgments about intelligence, it manifests as doubt, which only reduces our ability to connect with our partner. From a personality level, when others evaluate the intelligence of our partner, and they see we have an equal or more intelligent partner, their perception about us may improve. Conversely, some men and women who seek intellectually subservient partners may gain respect or esteem from friends who had negative experiences by having equal partners. On an instinctive level, this reflects the drive to have more intelligent children and to mate with those who will produce the offspring most able to survive. The irony is that the more we fixate on the intelligence of our partners as the primary reason to choose them, the less confidence we have in keeping them.

Reliability, stability and consistency are instinctive attractions that reflect a person’s temperament. We either feel comfortable and drawn to someone’s personality or not. This often reflects physical characteristics and/or associations that make us feel safe with an individual. It can also indicate our perceptions of their commitment to care for us in the relationship. From this description, we can see our perception of reliability may not reflect the reality of another’s inner experience. Hopefully, we are beginning to see that perceptions of attractions do not create safety in itself, except in our own idea of the circumstances. Our interpretation of their behavior provides the framework for evaluating them as reliable, because we are trying to avoid past abandonment issues. The more we are locked into choosing reliability over sexiness and/or intelligence; it usually indicates we have been hurt in the past by unreliable partners. Therefore, we are now willing to settle for less Excitement (sexiness and intelligence) in order to gain the safety of a reliable partner. Finally, our personality connection is typically the last qualification we have on the instinctive level. If we feel irritated or disconnected from our partner on this level, it usually reflects the reality that the relationship will not last long, because most individuals cannot maintain a relationship without a positive image of their partner.

Semi-conscious attractions, on the intellectual level, reflect qualities that we find appealing because we are not yet capable of manifesting them within ourselves. The primary qualities are: Innocence, Strength, and Personal Autonomy. Innocence is a feminine quality, where we appear to be pure of heart and above the fray. Strength, a masculine quality, is where we outwardly manifest our capacity to take care of ourselves so others will choose to rely on us. Personal Autonomy is a quality of Truth telling where we are engaged and our partner is able to respond based on their capacity to speak their Truth. These qualities are initially assessed in a way that determines if our partner can meet us in their strength as we meet them in our strength. This exchange of value on a quality level helps us feel more secure. All intellectual attractions are defensive in nature because we see our power in a dualistic way. We want others to need us more than we need them. To accomplish this, we need to be seen as the only support and must realize that what we provide cannot be replicated by others. We measure their need by the amount our partners are willing to sacrifice themselves for us.

Innocence is an attraction based on the fact that we wish to regain our own inner innocence. The more we are jaded and wish things could be different, the more we are susceptible to the apparent innocence of others. Our attraction to Innocence is usually based on the inner experience of feeling compromised by the circumstances of our lives. The desire is to return to a time when we did not feel compromised, so hope and faith can be regained. This reflects the feminine side of intellectual attractions where we can be forgiven for past mistakes and seen for our fundamental potential and the goodness of our initial intentions. Ironically, individuals who use innocence to attract others are typically the most sophisticated decision makers. These individuals have learned how to create certain perceptions in others, which allow them to not reveal their own true Thoughts and intentions. When they are able to project a sense of purity or incorruptibility it deflects attention from their intuitive grasp of circumstances and ability to predict outcomes. They believe that what their partners do not know cannot hurt them. They become great listeners and are able to support the ego of their partners by making them feel intelligent and strong. Therefore, it is in their best interest to maintain innocence and the appearance of naiveté to keep the interest of their partner.

Strength is attractive because force sometimes appears the best recourse to get our way. We seek to be around individuals who can back us up and support us when things get tough. Actually, the appearance of strength is more important than its reality. When we appear strong, others are not willing to confront us or test us. They assume they will lose any argument because a strong person will naturally persevere. Hence, we are attracted to outer strength whenever we are unsure we can persevere. Our associations with strength are often based on an idea of independence. We believe that the ability to hold separate our self (and not reveal any vulnerability) is useful in negotiating better deals. Being able to declare our intention and fulfill it also translates into a sense of security for others around us. True strength is also the capacity to be vulnerable and express our weaknesses up front with clarity. This goes against the façade of strength, because those attracted to it usually do not want to engage the thought of weakness. What individuals want is an unswerving commitment from their partner that they will fulfill their agreements with us, despite any obstacles. This reflects that those attracted to strength have, to some degree, denied their own inner strength. They seek reassurance from others to make them feel more secure.

Personal Autonomy reflects an understanding of both innocence and strength. Personal Autonomy is attractive when others are able to see different perspectives and still speak their Truth. The more we are unclear or unable to define our course in life, the more we are attracted to those operating with Personal Autonomy. If they can tell their truth consistently, then we feel safe and more secure around them. We associate quality, integrity and the desire for success with Personal Autonomy. We feel uplifted and kept on our toes when we are around those who manifest Personal Autonomy. The key issue is whether we believe that our partner is committed to our well being as much as their own. This commitment builds confidence in the value we exchange being in the relationship. The experience of Personal Autonomy (with our partner) can be undermined when they constantly change their minds or do not fulfill their stated intentions. This means we tend to be attracted to others based on the degree they appear to be coherent and committed to a fixed course of action in life.

We also consider that Personal Autonomy is a heroic endeavor. Until we are able to tell our truth, we cannot confront all the unconscious reassurance patterns that our partner seeks. For this reason, a partner developing Personal Autonomy can be threatening. We tend to interpret their need to tell the truth as revealing our own inadequacies, fears and judgments. The most depressing part of this is they tend to see people doing Personal Autonomy as being more conscious or better than others because they cannot see themselves telling the truth. Individuals doing Personal Autonomy are often accused of being selfish because they become clear and unambiguous of what they will and won’t do in certain situations. This is actually just an indication that they understand what works for them and they are not willing to let expectations and assumptions that do not work for them to slide.

Unconscious attractions, on the idealized level, reflect what we seek in our partner to support our growth. Partners who mirror our attractions at this level will naturally seek out complementary principles that support their own growth. These ideals are Self-Acceptance, Self-Rejection and Personal Intimacy. We seek partners who can accept what we see as best in them and who also accept what we see as best about ourselves. The same is true about Self-Rejection. We also want to be sure that our partners will reject what we reject in others. The commonality between these principles is that we want to make sure a partner is repulsed by the same things we are (so we mutually feel safe and secure). This reflects that we are we addressing the issue of Uncomfortable Similarities. Uncomfortable Similarities are those aspects of our self we have denied, but which are now being revealed because our partner embodies them. This is commonly experienced as envy, because they are able to do what we always wanted to but felt unable. The more we can honor our natural capabilities and can express what was previously denied, the faster these discomforts will dissipate.

Self Acceptance is an attraction that reflects how well others see us versus how well we see ourselves. The more others can see parts of us that we currently do not accept, the more attractive we are to them. This means, on a personality level, we naturally seek others who appear to be more self-accepting, because we believe they will assist us in accepting ourselves. The challenge is that Self Acceptance actually reflects the degree we accept our Creative Self, not our personality self. Self-Acceptance is based on our ability to respond and illuminate the potential of another. The degree we are able to see another on a creative level reflects the degree we have a relationship with our own Creative Self. The challenge is that on the Idealized level we tend to create patterns of connection that initially serve a purpose, but over time lose their authentic juice. When this occurs, we fall into Idealization patterns where our beliefs about how we should be with others, supersedes our authentic connection to them. Self-Acceptance also has an element of self-actualization where we are willing to see the truth about ourselves without compromising ourselves. When we are unwilling to say our truth, it indicates that are not being real with our self and others that is usually the result of not thinking others can handle our truth. The more we fall into patterns of caretaking, the less we are actually caring for those we seek to serve. This means that Self Acceptance must be an ongoing learning process that is constantly regenerated each and every moment with each person.

Personality Self Rejection is where we are attracted to individuals who are able to distinguish between their authentic creativity and their personality Safety and Security issues. It is commonly thought of as going through the “bad boy, bad girl” stage where we are trying to bust out of the expectations of others. The rejection occurring reflects our discovery that who we are is not our personality programming. When this occurs, it creates an opening to experience the Truth of who we are. Individuals who have transcended their personality limitations can be extremely attractive to those who want to break out of their own personality perspectives. Practically, this means we seek out those who are more inclusive and who see beyond our fears and desires (to what is creatively possible). On the other hand, the more we overdo Personality Self Rejection, the more we isolate ourselves from others. This occur because we shift from finding the middle ground between under doing and over doing our personality programming to actually wanting others to be repulsed by us. When we over do Personality Self Rejection others become shocked at our behavior and our explanations. We perceive the delight in the fact that others are seeing us for something real, rather than us being fake to get along with them. We may also be attracted to individuals on a lower level who feel out of control and seek our self-discipline as a substitute for their own lack of control.

Without realizing it, we can shift from being controlled by our parents, to being controlled by some “bad boy or bad girl” because they see us as un-cool or in-authentic. As long as we don’t like or accept who we are, there is benefit in our mind from escaping the “goody goody two shoes” pursuit of perfection. We also may be convinced that doing things the right way has not really worked for us. This is greatly enhanced when we see others getting away with things and having more fun in their life. This occurs, in many situations when we feel we have become satiated, yet feel unfulfilled by our previous attractions. In this personality rejection process we learn how to value our internal Creative Source over external personality expressions. While this is not always clear or easily confirmed because of the extremes we go to in certain situations, what we want to do is shake up the expectations of others so we have more freedom to find and act from our own truth. 

Personal Intimacy is where we are attracted to individuals who fulfill our expectations and desires for connection. On a lower personality level, Personal Intimacy is the capacity to act and respond to others in ways that match their beliefs about being loved and nurtured. At the creative level, Personal Intimacy is the ability to connect in a mutual, authentic manner without referencing preset expectations or beliefs about how we should be with each other. What we actually seek is to be in the experience of a creative flow. What we really want is our partner’s ability to respond to us on the fly and manifest our connection in a Co-Measured manner. Co-Measurement is the capacity to reflect and respond, not based on fears or desires, but on a commitment to be present for our partner. By honoring our own experience, we are able to consciously connect with the experience of our partner, so they know we share in increasingly deeper ways. Idealization of Personal Intimacy destroys the experience of sharing and growing together. To the degree we idealize our partner, is the degree we distance ourselves from actually being with them. While not everyone is conscious of Personal Intimacy, we are most unconsciously influenced by the degree our partner reassures us that who we are is who they want. Personal Intimacy becomes one of the unifying views that reflects how we view our respective caretaking of each other.

Overview of The Strong Attractions

The more conscious we are about our attractions, the more we are able to grow internally so we are no longer defined by them. Unconscious individuals experience no choice about attractions, which reflects their lack of understanding that attractions can and do guide and support our growth. When we are conscious, we share our attractions so they evolve and change with us. As we become more committed to conscious attractions, it supports our acceptance of our authentic creative nature. The most evolved attractions are Wisdom (reflecting creative feminine embodiment), Aliveness (reflecting creative masculine embodiment), and Awareness (reflecting the communion of masculine and feminine). Wisdom reflects the integration of Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, as well as concrete and abstract Thoughts in a context where our presence with Self supports us in sharing this inclusive understanding with others. Aliveness is expressed, not only in our ability to tell our Truth and take congruent action, but also in our ability to engage life fully without reservation. When Aliveness and Wisdom are brought together, it gives birth to a higher Awareness that reflects the unification of active and receptive ways of being. We can envision our Selves as constantly being and becoming simultaneously.

As we become conscious about Attractions, we move from Excitement to Aliveness, from Intensity to Wisdom and Anxiety to Awareness. The transition or integration attraction for Excitement is Cellular Affinity, for Intensity it is Vibratory Response and for Anxiety it is Vibratory Expansion. We fall into static Co-Dependent patterns when we use Excitement, Intensity or Anxiety to leverage our choice of partners. This leverage is matching our strengths to their weaknesses, so we see we have the upper hand. As long as we believe that they need us more than we need them, the relationship seems safe and secure. Instead, by neutralizing our own imbalances, we build up our Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness. In a conscious attraction framework we choose partners that are similar so we can work together on lessons. Then our Attractions with others are a growth and mutual development experiences. The most important issue is not to fixate on external attractions, because these factors are bound to change over time.

The Conscious Attractions are non-dualistic and they are either present or not. While our perceptions of Unconscious Attractions can be fragmented, or partial, Conscious Attractions are always whole, although they may not be fully embodied. It comes down to our ability to choose to engage these Attractions and make these Attractions a central part of our daily life. The more we ignore them, the more likely False Hook Attractions will supersede their impact or power. Until we make this conscious choice False Attraction Hooks drive our choices in partners and create dualistic or co-dependent interactions. Aliveness hides the integrating need for Cellular Affinity behind the desire for Sexual Chemistry. We need to see inner and outer Beauty as others are. Wisdom hides the integrating need for Vibratory Response by providing Intellectual Stimulation. We need to mediate our inner and outer Truth without reacting to others. Awareness hides the integrating need for Vibratory Expansion behind the unknown Desire for Creative Chemistry. We need to accept inner and outer Goodness of ourselves without any judgments or projections. When we are conscious Beings we all seek those relationships that naturally resonate and uplift us. Creative Chemistry is how we describe this.

Aliveness is the capacity to act fully in alignment with our authentic Truth and experience. It is captured in the words “Carpe Diem!” which means Seize the Day! It is the desire to live life fully without compromise or withholds. This zest for living is attractive to others depending on their own acceptance of their life energy. As a conscious attraction, the more we meet each other on this level, the more we naturally empower each other to be present with our life energy. When we are afraid but attracted to this energy, it indicates that we are currently limiting our life expression and are seeking others who can stimulate us on this level. Aliveness supports us in manifesting our authentic life expression, because it is a commitment to discover and fulfill our most challenging contributions. The key development process is rhythm. This requires physical detachment and playfulness to experience the good/bad without becoming a slave to our behavior and habits. The terms Self Presence, Transmutation, and Cellular Affinity capture the integrity and vibratory beauty required for conscious action, which creates within us the experience of Aliveness.

Wisdom occurs only when we have deepened into our Self Knowing and can create understanding with others. In this way, Wisdom is a transpersonal experience that opens us up to all forms of knowing. At its simplest, it is the ability to mirror the Truth of another so they can see their own reality more clearly. Some would call Wisdom a radiant inner light, which encourages others to deepen their self-knowing. Others would point to their experience that everyone knows everything they need to, because it is all within us already. The other side of this is how others can bring out our inner knowing by sharing their own inner experiences. Wisdom is, therefore, a mutually developed framework of perception that permits us to use an internal shorthand by referencing common understanding and experiences. The key development process is interchange. This requires intellectual detachment and the passion to experience right/wrong without defining our Self in these terms. This is the best way to keep engaging the larger reality around us. The terms Passionate Indifference, Transformation and Vibratory Response capture the shift in perceptions required to manifest our Wisdom.

Awareness is the acceptance of our own Aliveness and Wisdom. It permits us to reflect upon our Thoughts, Feelings, Emotions, or behaviors without becoming attached or identified with them. Shared self-reflection with others awakens mutual opportunities for growth. Self Presence with internal awareness allows us to direct and develop our consciousness in any area of endeavor. Instead of externalizing our fears and desires, we engage and neutralize these issues in our own framework of perception, which empowers us to externally manifest what we wish. Some consider this to be an energetic process, where Love energy supports the participants and various elements (things, practices, and procedures) to come into synergistic alignment with each other. The key development process is balance. This occurs through interchange and rhythm. This requires complete Personality Detachment (Sensations, Feelings. Emotions and Thoughts) and releasing our self imposed ideals of acceptance and rejection, so we no longer project our reality on others. The terms Co-Creativity, Transfiguration, and Vibratory Expansion capture the growth and goodness required for right speaking, which creates within us the experience of Awareness.

Wisdom, Aliveness, and Awareness permit us to bring consciousness to our unconscious attractions. Bringing Aliveness, Wisdom, or Awareness to our choices is what transforms judgments into opportunities for growth. Until we release the judgments of physical objectification, intellectual subjectification, and idealistic projections all of our assessments are more about us than them. Physical objectification is where we believe in superficial appearances (Maya). Intellectual subjectification is where we need to reinforce our own Truth by denying the Truth of others (Illusion). Idealistic projection is where we seek associations with others that have possessions or a lifestyle that we desire (Glamour). This is due to the fact that when we are not embodied in Wisdom, Aliveness, and Awareness, our perceptions about attractions are distorted by what we wish them to be (to neutralize safety fears or enhance our security desires). For most of us, it is our self-imposed personality limitations that actually define our perceptions about others. These kinds of judgments will be discussed more fully in succeeding sections of the document. We now begin to recognize that our assessment of attractions speaks more about our personal process than the reality we perceive about others.

Overview of The Three Integrating Attractions

Cellular Affinity, Vibratory Response and Vibratory Expansion are strong Attractions that help us to integrate and be who we creatively are. Only Cellular Affinity (also known as Sexual Chemistry) is active initially in our choices of romantic partners. While a case can be made that Cellular Affinity is an integrating force on the Instinctive level (Smart, Sexy and Reliable) it also has profound effects on the integration of our Masculine Attractions (Smart, Strength, Personality-Self Rejection and Aliveness). This is not about gender or male or female perspectives but about the natural masculinity and femininity that reside in everyone. The more we embody our own Safety, the more our masculine side responds by being more self-protective so that we do not need to doubt ourselves. As a result we let go of the idea that we need someone else to be there to take care of us. We begin to take appropriate responsibility for ourselves. This has the impact of integrating all the Attractions in the Masculine column. The more these are integrated, the less we need to prove our masculinity in anyway.  It also allows ourselves independently from confused masculine and feminine role-playing so we do not need process things instinctively anymore.

Cellular Affinity is the ability to respond and bond on a physical/feeling level. It requires internal Aliveness and the capacity to go beyond our Fears to be with others as they are. Most people would call this experience sexual chemistry. Unfortunately, their idea about sexual chemistry is usually about Excitement and not Aliveness. This is because they are used to using the fear of loss as a reason to merge preemptively with a partner before you know if the connection is good. If we make Cellular Affinity or sexual chemistry the only reason to be in relationship, we will not be able to continue our Growth process. It is much easier to meet others in Vibratory Expansion or Vibratory Response and move down to Cellular Affinity than to attempt to moving up from Cellular Affinity. This is because choosing from the top down builds Trust, Unity and a commitment to loving in a wholehearted way. Building from the bottom up is much more difficult.

Vibratory Response is the integration of our Security and as such how we learn to incorporate our truth with the truth of others. Underneath is the quality of intellectual and intuitive stimulation. The quality of Vibratory Response is about looking at all the options and taking in new ways of accomplishing some possibility. True Security can only be manifested if we are comprehensive and expressing ourselves inclusively. This is why this quality helps to incorporate and bring together various aspects of our Wisdom (Sexy, Innocence, Self-Acceptance and Wisdom). This further answers the question of how to integrate the Intellectual Level (Innocence, Strength and Personal Autonomy) of our Being. When our Security is manifested both internally and externally, we have greater confidence and general responsiveness that we can find solutions to every problem. This makes us more integrated and able to work with a wide range of individuals because we are not caught in patterns of Polarization. As a result, our Defenses minimize and we begin to express ourselves more creatively.

Vibratory Response is where we get in touch with our Feminine side and begin to integrate all the different types of Knowing into one a unified system of response. It is interesting to notice that Sexiness is actually a state of mind but we in turn, objectify it into a set of appearances. As we embody our feminine Attractions, we move from Sexy to Innocence to Self-Acceptance and, finally to Wisdom. As you can see from these Attractions, the key value is Intellectual Stimulation. What we are doing is learning how to see others in new ways. Many individuals report a sense of boredom in relationships because they did not attend to their growth on this level. Vibratory Response also helps us to recognize what Attractions we have at any moment, with any person. The inner discrimination we need to experience Attractions themselves and name them come from Vibratory Response.

Vibratory Expansion is the integration of our wellbeing so that our personal and transpersonal Safety and Security is manifest. This is the natural result of our growth process, both internally and externally because it indicates the turning point where we become conscious of both processes. On each level of our integration, a new skill emerges that increases our ability to attract better partners. If we are unconscious, we attract mostly unconscious partners because none of these factors are integrated. If we are integrated in our Reliability and Growth, we attract reliable Growth Partners. Underneath this attraction is how Creative Chemistry can change our perspective about relationships. If we are integrated in our Truth, we attract autonomous partners. If we are committed to sharing, we attract intimate partners. If we are committed to conscious, Co-Creative Attractions, we attract partners with Awareness. Vibratory Expansion also helps us to transform our Personality-Self Rejection (repulsions) into places of Self Acceptance so we are always trustworthy partners who share Intimacy and Truth.

Vibratory Expansion is where we take ownership of both our Masculine and Feminine sides and recognizes the continuum of opportunities in our life. By engaging this level we start to see why others respond to us or not. We learn how Attractions impact our own systems and how others can either be synergistic or negatively impact us. Everything is cost benefit analysis. It also becomes clear to us if we resist any particular lessons how it can cause ripple effects in our whole life. Generally, we call this Creative Chemistry because we become tuned into which choices can easily manifest vs. those that become ongoing efforts that never end. Creative Chemistry has many expressions, including Compatibility Factors, Motives, Attractions, Skills and Common Neutral Ground differences. Of course, the highest factors will have a much more profound effect than some of the Imprinting, Pretenses and Defenses in terms of Creative opportunities to go beyond ourselves. Vibratory Expansion is therefore a place of choice where we can say what we want and then consciously set it in motion. Most individuals never experience this.

What Are Attractions? An Example

When he saw her, he knew immediately that she was special. Her whole appearance was inviting in a way he could not easily describe. She immediately noticed how he was stunned by her presence and how she enjoyed his discomfort, recognizing that it was the result of a carefully calculated effort on her part. He recovered nicely and was able to convey his interest and desire to see her more. When he asked for her phone number and email, they ended up exchanging information and planning a time and place to next meet. Both thought about each other a lot before meeting the following night. He visualized an elegant setting that mirrored his clarity and commitment to exploring the value of the relationship. She imagined a conversation that allowed her to feel seen and appreciated for who she was. Both fantasized about what they would learn and experience being together.

The date exceeded both of their expectations. Her feminine softness allowed him to show up in his power. The more he took charge, the more supportive she became. Both felt, instinctively, the sexual chemistry and excitement of the connection. It stimulated them to expand their boundaries and playfully challenge each other to see how far they might go on the first date. They began with dancing and progressed to subtle caresses and kissing. What sealed the connection was how they each smelled to one another. By the end of the first date, both felt that their partner qualified as a “special” relationship. She felt safe and comfortable that he was not using her because he did not take advantage of the situation and exceed her core boundaries. Instead, he somehow seemed to sense that she wanted an affirmation of her attractiveness without becoming overly demanding or difficult. To him, she was a delightful mystery, seeming to be both real and ephemeral simultaneously. Energetically, they felt a connection with each other that was much more intriguing than with anyone else in their lives.

This instigated the second phase of their exploration, that of quantifying how good a long-term partner they would make for each other. After several dates, when they got to know each other, the focus became discovering if they had complementary goals. She wanted to know if he was interested in having children, while he wanted to know what her long-term expectations were about her desire or need to work to create a future that suited both of them. After considerable discussion, they were able to create a general plan that allowed them to commit to one another so they could investigate their sexual chemistry. Neither one wanted to be hurt by getting involved too quickly. The more they were able to create the reality that with each other they could be more secure, the easier it was to give themselves sexually to each other. Fireworks were the result! This confirmed, in their minds, that they were meant to be together.

Taking action to create a life together was more difficult than they first anticipated. Even with a basic understanding of their different perspectives, it was soon determined that they had challenges in fully communicating with each other. She preferred precision and clarity, which required others to understand her particular word choices. He preferred to explore what was being said in the communication itself, which constantly triggered her when he did not anticipate her interpretation of what he said. As a result, her need for communication to be in absolute Truth was frustrated by his desire to work things out harmoniously (after the fact).

This was only one of the many differences they discovered which lead them to try to anticipate the other’s concerns before communicating with each other. It also seemed ironic that the happier they were at times, the more pressure seemed to develop to move forward and be more committed to each other. The paradox of their attractions was that the more they talked about them, the more ephemeral they seemed to get. She appeared increasingly discontented with their limited capacity to deal with issues such as interpersonal intimacy. She became convinced that he needed to spend more time with her to solve the problem. His response was to become more involved at work. He felt her demands were unreasonable, which placed even greater pressure on their relationship. She countered with the argument it was all a matter of priorities. He felt it was ironic that their greater communication skills lead to the perspective that they had different goals. It all came to a head one evening after she shared how disconnected she felt from him. He explained that he felt inadequate and judged by her performance demands to be a certain way for her in the relationship. She broke down and cried, and seemed so vulnerable that it moved him to make a commitment on the spot to explore their intimacy in new ways.

They determined the problem was not in their goals or intentions (they were similar), but in the content and scope of their lives. Each one had been able to build a successful way of being, independently, but being together meant they had to find a way to make mutual decisions that they could implement. They realized the intimacy they sought required greater trust and acceptance of each other as they were. They could not compel the other to be their ideal partner without losing the joy and freedom they also sought. The challenge, initially, was to get engaged, plan a wedding and purchase a house together (to fulfill their mutual expectations). They used these intimacy and communication skills heavily in the wedding planning process and were happily married in a large ceremony with family and friends. Everyone believed they were the perfect couple. All these steps required greater intimacy and sharing than they ever experienced previously. Finally, they got married and discovered that it was not exactly what they imagined it would be. Conflicts emerged that required greater communication. No longer was each the sole arbiter of what was needed in their lives. These changes, made for love, weighed heavily on them. What comforted them were their common goals and the knowledge that their partner was committed to the same process and was going through the same experience.

What they did not anticipate was their need to independently create areas in their own lives where they could define their own course of action. This meant that within their commitment to work together for mutual security, they also had independent projects and activities that allowed them to preserve their uniqueness and autonomy. While this independence worked in the past, they now had to find common ways to work together to build their future. At first, this was difficult because some of their initial motivations (prior to getting married) had shifted. She expected him to use his new intimacy skills (at least with her) to honor her Feelings and Emotions by intuiting what she needed. He expected her to honor and respect his intentions and commitment to do things as soon as possible. They both were sadly disappointed, resulting in greater distance between them. They fell back into common interests and attempted to reconnect through dancing and household projects they could do together.

The more practical they became, the more her inherent intellectual strength manifested and his openness and innocence came to the fore. She felt greater responsibility for the relationship and appreciated his ability to keep things light and flowing. He accomplished this by paying attention to her emotional well being, while she supported him by organizing the activities of their lives. He supported her by seeking better ways to create the security she believed necessary to have children, while appreciating her ability to prioritize mutual tasks. For the next three years, their expectations were partially fulfilled about how the relationship would grow and evolve. Their ability to acquire what was needed focused their attention on their common taste and discrimination. Both felt a renewed sense of progress and commitment when she conceived their first child.

The needs of this child, and the two children that followed, took time away from their relationship. And so the third phase of their relationship began. Their attractions became primarily about finding small ways to feel close to one another. Being able to shift out of the frenzy of external demands occurred best through touch and the sharing of personal challenges with each other. The major problem that arose was his lack of interest in maintaining a strong sexual relationship with her. Again she felt a lack of support and connection with him. She focused her energy on the children, and he became more focused at work. Eventually, the distance caught up with them when she discovered he was having an affair with a co-worker. She felt caught between her desire for security in the marriage and her personal safety, which she internalized as the threat he manifested through his actions. She could not understand what had changed and felt rejected by his lack of attraction for her current appearance. She characterized this attack as him needing to return to his incomplete youth. She wished he would just grow up. Unfortunately, the relationship ended in divorce, even though he was willing to reconcile. She realized she could not trust him any more. This reflected his inability to explain his actions or honestly promise it would not happen again.

Higher Alignment Commentary:

We can identify attractions on instinctive, intellectual, idealized and intuitive levels. All conscious attractions are internal, which enhances our playfulness, passion, and ability to respond to others. Conscious attractions are where we creatively align with another to serve some larger purpose. All unconscious attractions are externalized in terms of packaging (appearance, intelligence, or reliability), qualities (innocence, strength or personal autonomy) and common lessons (seeking acceptance, avoiding rejection and personal intimacy). Unconscious attractions are based on others providing what we are denying or unable to affirm in our self. As we become more conscious, we get tired of using Excitement, Intensity and Repulsion as indicators of “chemistry” and, instead, seek partners who are more Playful, Enthusiastic and Self Generating. In this way Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness become aphrodisiacs that attract other conscious individuals to us.

When we see how many of our attractions to physical attributes represent the feeling of safety without the reality of safety, we start to question our instinctive attraction programming to choose familiar individuals that reflect parental patterns. When we seek partners who represent qualities that should make us secure, and yet realize they do not, we can then see the limits of our defensive chemistry where we seek out our opposites. When we realize that our ideals actually distance us from what we want, it is time to break out of our prevailing beliefs, and examine attractions from an “internal, top-down” perspective. Eventually, we need to ask ourselves whether our external attractions (Excitement, Intensity and Repulsion) are working for or against us.

This example conveys the differences between instinctive, intellectual, and idealized attractions. While it may not reflect every element of attraction, it does convey the most common situations partners find themselves in. In this circumstance, they were a heterosexual couple, where he was Disarming and she was Dynamic in their defensive orientations. This could be reversed for other couples, because we tend to attract those who complement our masculine/feminine polarities. This example also reflects a couple that was making some progress discovering how to be together, but was unclear about the effect of attractions in their relationship. As a result, they did not mutually create their attractions, but were at the effect of the attractions of their partner. Inadvertently, this created co-dependent patterns because each one became defined by their attractions. This reduced their growth with each other significantly.

Remind Me, Just What Are Attractions?

Our Attractions represent what we seek in others to make us feel better about ourselves. Most Attractions can be represented as Sexy, Smart, Reliable, Innocent, Strong, Personal Autonomy, Personal Intimacy, Self Acceptance, Personality Self Rejection, and the degree of Aliveness, Wisdom, and Awareness we experience with each other. Most of the time these Attractions represent external Desires to minimize our insecurities and maximize our certainty in relationships. While they can represent tried and true indicators of what works for us, it can also be true that we choose individuals who can be personally unavailable to us and do not meet our long term Expectations. Attractions, therefore, are mostly projections about what we think we need and not necessarily what truly works for us. Attractions can become a way to seduce others into believing we are good for them, when in fact, we are mainly positioning ourselves to enhance being seen by those we want. This is when Attractions become a game to maximize our attractiveness and minimize rejection.

Attractions reflect what we desire vs. what repulses us. Each person can typically affirm three to four Attractions at any particular time. We seek either validation by attracting individuals who match our desires or who represent what we fear. We can also feel repulsed by individuals who do not fit our attraction criteria. If our attractions fit our expectations, we confirm the value of the relationship by acknowledging that person. This becomes the basis where our attractions (either conscious or unconscious) are used to make relationship choices. What is not commonly understood is that our Attractions define the lessons we are willing to engage and therefore, can indicate when we are open to growing or stuck in the Attractions that can significantly inhibit our growth. Attractions can help us clarify our life path and keep us motivated to continue in our growth, particularly when we become conscious of them. We begin with the instinctive attractions (Smart, Sexy, Reliable) to evolve into intellectual attractions (Strength, Innocence, Personal Autonomy). We then become more Idealistic in our Attractions, (Self Acceptance, Personality Self-Rejection, Personal Intimacy). When we finally become conscious about our attractions, we evolve into intuitive expressions (Aliveness, Wisdom, and Awareness) that we may or may not have previously experienced.

In general, feminine (Sexy, Innocence, Self-Acceptance, and Wisdom) is attracted to masculine (Smart, Strength, Personality Self-Rejection, and Aliveness) and vice-versa. The more we adopt one set of these Attractions and ignore the other side, the harder it is for us to continue to grow. Growth comes when we balance each feminine Attraction with its opposite masculine Attraction. For example, we can become more balanced in our personal Autonomy if we are no longer polarized between Strength and Innocence. Ultimately, our goal is to be able to embody each Attraction so we can be more present and available within ourselves and to others.  This takes seeing and accepting each attraction for what it is, and opportunity to acknowledge how we connect to others. Most of us are far from this experience because of our Fears and disowned Desires about what we want and what we are willing to let ourselves have. Confusion increases because we need others to hold the Attractions we are not able to hold for ourselves. The primary indicators that we are lost in our Attractions on the instinctive level are Jadedness, Dullness, Jealousy, and Inertia.

The basis of all creative change is the difference between masculine and feminine expression. Change occurs by linking Motives (which reflect our Intentions) with Skills (which reflect our ability to respond to others). Attractions become the way in which we interpret what “needs to be done” and frames how we will accomplish it. This process either helps us to find who we are in terms of our lessons, or subverts our own growth by taking on the lessons of others. When we consistently adopt the lessons of others over our own, we in effect repress our attractions. The Attraction Holon diagram represents the playing board of possible Attraction experiences. While we may not realize it, the positions of Attractions on this board have a certain relationship to each other than can either be easy or hard to work through. Vertical or horizontal relationships can be merged or combined, where diagonal relationships have little or no influence over each other. This makes is hard for example, to combine Strength and Reliability or Strength and Personal Intimacy. When we grow in our ability to see our lessons it is because we have been able to bring together Strength and Innocence to see and embrace Personal Autonomy. Our Attractions help us work out differences within ourselves (at the same level and on a higher or lower level than where we are).

The more conscious we are about Attractions, the more their influence moderates us and we are able to respond in any way we desire. The more we fixate on any one attraction, the more it absorbs the energies of the attractions around it, making it more difficult to create what we need when we need it. It is important to remember that our repulsions are caused by past experiences and beliefs that we cannot accept ourselves in this way. This encourages us like an oyster, to encapsulate all of the rough edges and in this way keeps building up a pearl that eventually exceeds the oyster’s capacity to contain. We then become overshadowed by repulsions which create Excitement, Intensity, and Anxiety. When we are unconscious about our attractions we are not clear that we are responsible for our growth and need to intentionally unify our differences. This best occurs by horizontal or vertical development processes.

Conscious attractions (Wisdom, Aliveness and Awareness) reflect that we choose to unify ourselves by being more effective in our relationships, communities, or Authentic Life Expression. Conscious Attractions keep us in touch with our Self and allow us to know when we are creatively aligned with someone, or not. This is how Attractions can guide us in choosing people that will flow with us rather than resist us. When we choose partners that have the polar opposite Attractions to us, it automatically creates a worst-case scenario based on co-dependent lessons. The problem with c0-dependent patterns is that while we believe that being around a person with greater capabilities will lead to us becoming more aware of how to manage that area, our partner unconsciously withholds this information in order to have some leverage over us. In co-dependent attractions we become more set and oppositional leading to greater unconscious competition. We not only sabotage each other but become lost in opposite Attraction patterns. The only real upside for being in these relationships is to learn who we are not, because it provides no feedback for who we really are.

Whenever we are repressed in an attraction, we tend to either ignore or overdo it. Most individuals are fixated on pursuing the attractions they have known since childhood. This leads us to assume that our attractions cannot be changed or modified. Part of the reason for this is the procreative urge to find partners that represent our opposite gender parent. Since parental imprinting has such a pronounced affect on the characteristics we use to promote our unconscious choices, we do not examine whether or not they will actually work for us. A recent client felt drawn to blondes because they made him feel warm and cuddly. When we examined whether they actually were that way, he had to admit that not one of them was warm and cuddly, in fact he was always being criticized that he was not being enough, which was a reflection of his partners having a Dynamic defense style and him having a Disarming defense style. This client soon realized that to him a certain look was Exciting which he now internalizes as a pattern similar to his mother. This means that many of our unexamined visual anchors for attractions may actually be reinforcing choosing partners that do not work for us.

The more we are defined by externalized needs, the more unconscious we are of our attractions. When we look for Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety patterns in our partners it affirms our co-dependent parents relationships more than what we want. This is why many clients who provide pictures of their partners are astonished to discover how many of the compatibility factors are completely congruent with their parental pattern. We unconsciously re-create the patterns of our parents to find ways to make the relationships work better. This re-creation of our parents can also extend to attraction patterns. You might want to inquire with your parents, if they are alive, which attraction patterns they had as teenagers and early adults. You might be surprised about the unconscious attractions you have adopted to continue the tradition. The way around this is to own all twelve of our attractions because they reflect the range of our humanity. The more conscious we become of the value of each Attraction, the less we will fixate on the few that cause us the most problems. Most of the issues we experience are when we give away our power to others in order to be affirmed in our attractiveness. A much more conscious approach is to accept that our attractions are totally within our control and may be attractions that others may not be able to see or appreciate. The core idea is to affirm our own attractiveness and not seek the affirmation of others, as it can become a trap of co-dependence.

In the Higher Alignment process, we use two questions to validate where we are in any Attraction. The first question has to do with our familiarity and use of the Attraction and the second question is about the relative importance we place on this attraction. The more clear we are about these questions for each Attraction, the more we can build a comprehensive profile of what we are accepting, denying, seeking, and repulsing in our lives. With this profile, we are able to predict the exact Attractions you will seek out in relationships. In the long run, it would be better for us to be growing and shifting our Attractions so that we become more available to a larger range of possibilities. Unfortunately, most individuals reinforce the Attractions they are familiar with and cannot imagine how changing these Attractions could actually improve their relationship options.

We want to invite you to examine whether your own attractions reflect the lessons we propose they do. The more you can see these attractions and lessons within yourself, the more meaningful our attractions structure will be to you. It will also become an indicator for how aligned another person is, when they approach you with certain attractions. For example, to the degree they are caught up in instinctive attractions and do not have familiarity with higher attractions, it may indicate how superficial they are, or how they use role playing to connect with others. If you do not want a deeper, long lasting relationship, this could be great. But, if you are actually seeking a more responsive partner with more comprehensive understanding of the world, this probably would not be your best choice. Like compatibility factors, attractions can be used to confirm our alignment or lack of it. Each of the four levels of attractions provides a different set of lessons that together can form a pretty clear profile. Our intention is to awaken your ability to see the deeper meanings of Attractions. The playing board of basic Attractions follows in Table 2: Attraction Holon.

Attractions Holon

Note: All Twelve of These Attractions Are Found In Conscious Individuals

An Example of Conscious Attractions

Looking back, Jack marveled about how much he had learned from each of the many relationships he had been in. With some effort, he had come to embrace the lesson he had learned from each one. Oddly enough, over the past year every previous partner had contacted him to reconnect, some after 10 or 20 years of silence. It just made him laugh. Perhaps this was the Universe’s way of providing closure and healing. Reflecting back on all his relationships provided the insight that he was always growing and seeking not only to understand his circumstances, but to transcend the obstacles that kept him from manifesting what he desired, Recently he had come to the conclusion that for some time he no longer needed any outer motivation to do what was best. This transpersonal acceptance that his greater good automatically considered the good of those around him was slow to dawn on him.

His capacity to engage individuals is much different now than when he was in those relationships. He now trusts that whatever shows up is connected to authentic life expression. Attractions are no longer the mystery they were as a young adult. Now, he just has to establish an intention and results are quickly manifested. He had come to recognize how the outer world was merely a reflection of his own inner world. Recently he had been paying attention to his attractions to potential partners. He knew what Excitement felt like. He had felt very drawn to several women who had crossed his path at work where it would have been inappropriate to engage in a romantic relationship. This restriction had given him the opportunity to sit in the Sensations and Feelings without giving any energy to them. Surprisingly, after several months the Excitement died away. This allowed him to engage these women from a higher and deeper place.

Jack had also stopped taking positions on issues. He could see the Truth from both sides and could honor people where they were. This had reduced the drama and intensity in his life. Life was now more peaceful and joyful. He felt more powerful in his ability to be present with all his contributions. Rather than being rushed by outer demands, he settled into a self reflective, self-loving pacing of his life that worked for him. Many of his friends marveled at his capacity to act in alignment with the universe. The more serendipity occurred in his activities, the more blessed he felt. This gratitude for having found the perfect life contribution never ceased to amaze him. Everyday he was able to grow and contribute in new ways that transcended previous manifestations. This inner enthusiasm became a joy that turned into a love for all life. This love of himself and all humanity had been radiating from him for months, and oddly enough, people wanted to engage with him more and more. He wasn’t looking to connect, they were just attracted to him. He got a lot of invitations to participate in both creative and social activities. It was nice. Not necessary, just nice.

In this new state of being, something else was happening.  More women were attracted to him than before. And he could sense at what level each woman was engaging. Some were in a state of Excitement, and knowing the life cycle of that energy he maintained a deep detached love for them. At first it confused them a bit, but they came to enjoy just being in his presence and love.  Some wanted to debate and wrestle him prove their superiority. They were attached to Intensity. But his deep understanding of himself and life cut right through their demands and agreements. He knew he was not looking for agreement or a contract, but the experience of Communion. Communion is his code word for conscious connection on every level. Through this Self Presence, many women felt oddly honored and disarmed. He also noticed the women that were fixated on avoiding past lessons and idealizing him when he seemed to meet their goals. He just no longer felt interested in discussing how to fulfill each other’s needs. Since he was capable of fulfilling his own needs, what he really sought was an individual that would co-create with him in a way that transcended previous personal contributions.

Then one day he met June. The first time he looked into her eyes he saw his own creative energy looking back at him. It was like looking at himself from the outside. It was an amazing experience, filling him with awe. Her ability to reflect his state of Communion was immediate and undeniable. An easy-going, humorous, creative flow became constant experience in relationship with her. While there was some Excitement, he was able to relax into the experience so it manifested as Aliveness. She was aware of his initial Excitement and did not attempt to fan the flames, but merely was the observer as he was able to bring himself back into balance. She noticed her own tendency to seek control and security through Intensity so it never became an issue that distanced her from him. By releasing any attachment to quantify or idealize the relationship she ensured that it would deepen and expand naturally.

June had been previously married with two children, which had absorbed her for the last 10 years. Between raising her children and maintaining a career she had no time until recently for a deeper relationship. Now that the children were teenagers, she was looking forward to attracting a long-term conscious partner. Until recently she had casual relationships and now knew they were no longer satisfying. She had observed how the compromises of unconscious attractions had eroded the energetic connection, thereby minimizing the ability to Love and be Loved. Most recently she had flatly turned down three opportunities where her needs could have be met but she no longer believed that fulfilling her needs was enough. In her development process, she now recognized that fulfilling needs was easy compared to speaking our Truth intimately and harmlessly so she could attract universal support. She was no longer seeking a good partner, provider, or entertainer in her life, but a great co-creator that could keep up with her ability to manifest what ever was required. With confidence in her vision she stopped looking for partners who would accept her children and started seeking a creative match that would inspire her greatness.

Fortunately, Jack and June initially met after many relationship experiences. She was in her late thirties, and he was in his early forties. Their histories enabled them to understand more about the patterns of attraction, for they had no need to act out Excitement, Intensity, or Repulsions with each other. This meant that the relationship was calm, peaceful, enthusiastic, and most of the time, Joyful. From the beginning, they spoke the Truth about their perceptions of how they were relating to each other. This included their attractions and repulsions, which they were able to talk about openly. They were also able to listen well and reflect what they heard, saw and experienced with each other without filtering or editing. Instead of feeling objectified when they discussed each other’s bodies, they instead saw this as an opportunity to reach a deeper appreciation of the inner Beauty of each other. Initially, some of these comments provoked reactions, but their capacity to be Present with each other allowed the process to heal each other step-by-step. They ritualized the process, recognizing that each step of going deeper allowed them to emerge more quickly. Instead of becoming polarized by superficial fears, they encouraged each other to express their Truth in ever more complete ways, until all reactions were neutralized.

While various interpretations occasionally upset one of the partners, they both agreed that they did not need to agree for the relationship to be great. They came to enjoy the differences in interpretation because it enriched their life together. Both realized that unconscious attractions manifested more as a disconnected idea of their partner than the actual experience of each other. By not making unconscious attractions serious, they were able to discuss their issues with each other without taking it personally. They accomplished this by focusing on what each perception revealed about their history and took responsibility for how these issues could affect the relationship. As they understood that their unconscious attractions were incomplete patterns of their fears and desires, and that when they spoke about them it shifted their inner experience, they were able to heal themselves. This released creative energy that was then focused into new healing. What was amazing to both of them was how easy the process became when they no longer defined themselves in terms of their personality perceptions. This harmony became one of the main items that others commented on, because they never had mean our petty things to share about each other. They no longer even used attractions to provoke unconscious reassurance behavior from their partner. This is because, to a great degree, both accepted their own natural Beauty, Truth, and Goodness.

This does not mean that they did not have unconscious attractions arise at times. Whenever a fear and/or repressed personality desire emerged they would hug each other and either laugh or cry about the absurdity of the circumstances. Since June had a Dynamic Defense Style background, she was susceptible to security issues where feeling and emotional disconnects showed up as fears of abandonment. Jack had a Disarming Defense Style background, and was susceptible to safety issues where both physical and intellectual disconnects showed up in fears of inadequacy and over-commitment. What made these situations interesting was that neither one took the fears seriously or believed that their partner was trying to manipulate them in any way. This was supported by their mutual ability to see how any manipulation would backfire immediately. Jack turned his unconscious attractions of over-commitment into a motivation to contribute more, rather than holding back anything. As a result he keep manifesting his abilities in a stronger, more complete manner. June turned her unconscious attractions of abandonment into an opportunity to affirm her ability to provide affirmation to herself on feeling and emotional levels. As a result, she was increasingly able to express her vulnerability and be intimate. This enabled both to support each other in ways that actually shifted their perceptions of each other. Jack knew June’s inner softness, which allowed her to surrender to the process, rather than getting caught up trying to earn his love. June knew Jack’s performance insecurities, which allowed her to support him rather than needing to fix him. Attractions, in this manner, became an agent for deepening the relationship between them.

The bonding deepened between them as each found ways to neutralize their personality desires and fears, particularly around being manipulated by the opposite sex. Instead of using their parents as models for how they should interact with each other, they were able to come up with a way of reminding each other when they felt the other was projecting their parental issues on them. They made a game of this so that humor and Playfulness was a part of the “re-patterning” of their instinctive conditioning. He committed to increasing his manifestation of Aliveness and she saw how integrating her Feelings and Emotions would lead to greater Wisdom and Intuition. Others noticed how they seemed to flow with each other because they were not using fixed Gender Identity perceptions of how they should interact with each other. They also let go of the need to outwardly support each other, which opened the door for greater energetic sensitivity between them.

Since both had considerable experience in how relationships do not work, it emboldened them to take risks with each other so they could experiment with what did work. What made this possible was their ability to forgive, in advance, any mistakes in intention or action their partner may make with them. Instead of falling into a trap of attempting to subjectify the other by seeking agreement in a way that denied the other’s core Truth, they learned how to create Mutual Truth together. This required the generous use of Paradox, where they did not assume or project a fixed pattern of knowing on each other. The basis of this way of connecting became to focus on the common Truth between them. While each difference was honored, they held it as a temporary framework that both would eventually understand and transform. This allowed them to operate with a degree of unity that was atypical. Issues that arose could be discussed immediately. If no immediate resolution emerged, they postponed the activity until a resolution could be formulated. The main principle they operated from was a desire to eliminate any major compromises, so resentments did not build up in the relationship. This built trust in the relationship and inspired greater flexibility in serving the greater opportunities that emerged with each other. It also created a workable situation, because they knew their partner was committed to doing things in a way that would work for the both of them. Their commitment to Life, Light, and Love emerged as unconscious attractions were made conscious. Together they established a clear mutual vision. They were able to make considerable process by dedicating time to this.

Instead of falling into the trap of idealizing their partner or their own growth, they made a commitment to see each other’s strengths and weaknesses. This provided a great deal of freedom to make mistakes and laugh in their learning process with each other. In addition, they gave themselves permission to disagree with their self-perceptions, recognizing that their differences and uncomfortable similarities could be opportunities for greater growth together. The more they acknowledged and affirmed their experience of the fundamental goodness of each other, the easier it was to laugh with the other about their individual idiosyncrasies. For example, Jack was able to share his misperceptions about Sensations being “greedy.” Through his interaction with June, he was able to see that he was projecting and objectifying her to keep her from consuming him. Instead of falling into the Beauty Trap, and believing she was greedy and self-centered, he was able to see that his interactions were actually selfish and out of balance. June was also able to see how this played into her “subjectification racket,” where if she was not appreciated she would become demanding and difficult and make him wrong rather than confront her fears about not being able to make her contributions, both in the relationship and the world.

The three tools used to meet each other were Playfulness, Paradox, and Mutual Learning. They were able to be as playful and as passionate as they wanted to be, because the relationship was creatively powerful and expressive in the world. Others around them were both intrigued and entranced by the apparent delight they had in working together. They accomplished this because they envisioned that their partner mirrored their common humanity. Whenever a new aspect emerged in one, the other was able to reflect it back so it could be honored and acknowledged. Whenever something was not immediately understood, it was placed in the “paradox framework” where all unsolved mysteries in the relationship were honored until they became understandable. What made the relationship so powerful is that through Mutual Learning they became shared resources for each other’s growth, which allowed them to be synergistic with each other.

These tools were supported in the relationship by embracing Connection, Communication, Co-Measurement, and Communion with each other. June and Jack’s connection on physical and feeling levels allowed them to grow together without compromising either. June’s strength supported Jack’s desire to speak his Truth as harmlessly as possible, which also allowed them to unify where there were commonalities. June trusted Jack’s demonstration of commitment to grow by supporting her deeper attractions by not making superficial fixes, but by supporting her through Co-Measurement. Jack saw that letting her ask for support when she wished was a gift to her and respected her process. When issues emerged, because of differences in boundaries, they worked to release their expectations and include the viewpoint of their partner in the process. What made this so joyful was that they were able to constantly surprise each other by doing something different to meet the other in new ways.

One of the most interesting areas was operating with a generalized idea of where they wanted to go together without fixating on a particular goal. This enabled them to let the possibilities of the circumstances emerge in unexpected ways so the results would always exceed their expectations. They learned how to focus on the present, rather than waiting for some circumstance to occur before engaging an issue. In this way, they pioneered other ways to talk about a problem experienced here and now, without projecting the problem into the future in a way that placed it out of reach. This type of spontaneous interaction became something for which they came to be known in the communities in which they traveled. Others wanted to get involved in projects they were doing because of the contact high they got interacting with them. Over time, they seemed to become more blended energetically and more unified in the ways they interacted with others.

Unlike the ending of the previous example, this couple demonstrates the capacity for long-term creative synergy. The more they work together in an aligned manner, the greater investment they will have in using the common tools they develop to empower their Co-Creative process. As Jack and June are strong in their Autonomy, there is no danger of any personality collapse. The best sign of this is how they equally give themselves time together and time apart. Over the coming years we expect to see great things to emerge from this relationship.

Preliminary Attractions Worksheet

Select a previous or present romantic partner and identify the attractions experienced in the relationship. This worksheet will assist us with understanding which attractions were most important at the time. For each attraction, rate its value on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the least important and 10 the most important. Use the second column to identify what we believe they found attractive in us. Rate their attraction to you in the same way and total the scores at the bottom of the page. Score only the factors you understand and that are important.

Higher score reflects our attraction to partner                Higher score reflects partner’s attraction to us 
­­___ Partner’s ability to pay attention to me               ___ My desire to pay attention to them
___ Partner’s acceptance of how I operate                 ___ My acceptance of how they operate
___ Partner’s availability to me (time or energy)        ___ My availability to them (time or energy)
___ Partner’s adoration/respect of me                        ___ My adoration/respect for them
___ My admiration/esteem for them                           ___ Partner’s admiration/esteem of me
___ My approval/support of who they are                ___ Partner’s approval/support of who I am
___ My appreciation of partner’s qualities                 ___ Partner's appreciation of my qualities

___ My excitement (turn on) about my partner          ___ Partner’s desire to see me as exciting
___ Partner values my intensity/effort                      ___ My intensity/effort is valued by partner
___ Lack of repulsion or rejection by them                ___ Partner’s ability not to repulse/reject me

___ Partner’s demonstration of caring for me            ___ My demonstration of caring for my partner
___ Partner’s desire & ability to sacrifice for me        ___ My desire & ability to sacrifice for them
___ Partner’s desire & ability to support my vision    ___ My desire & ability to support their vision
___ My desire & ability to co-create with partner      ___ Partner’s desire & ability for co-creation
___ My appreciation of their inner beauty                 ___ their appreciation of my inner beauty
___ My ability to value/understand their Truth         ___ Their ability to value/understand my Truth
___ Their ability to accept my goodness/love           ___ My ability to share my goodness/love

___ How much my partner fits my “type”                 ___ How much I fit my partner’s “type”
• Appearance: ___    (scale of 1 - 10)                                • Appearance: ___      (scale of 1 - 10)
• Personality:  ___    (reflects our assessment of them)             • Personality:  ___ (reflects our being assessed)
• Intelligence: ___                                                       • Intelligence  ___
___ My partner meets/exceeds my expectations        ___ How I meet or exceed their expectations
___ My partner complements/ensures my success     ___ How I complement my partner’s success
___ My partner helps me feel safe & secure             ___ How I help my partner feel safe & secure
___ My partner shares my interests & activities         ___ How I share their interests & activities
___ My partner resolves conflicts with me                ___ How I resolve conflicts with my partner
___ My partner reflects my socio-economic status     ___ I improve their socio-economic status
___ My partner’s health and age relative to mine       ___ My health and relative age to theirs
___ My partner enjoys my autonomy/aliveness         ___ How I enjoy their autonomy/aliveness
___ My partner engages and grows with me              ___ How I engage and grow with my partner
___ My partner and I are synergistic/flowing             ___ How easy do they find me to work with
___ My partner and I are passionate/playful              ___ How fun/entertaining I am to be around

___ How good my partner smells to me?                   ___ How good do I smell to my partner?
___ How “right” my partner tastes to me?                 ___ How “right” do I taste to my partner?
___ How much do they provide affectionate touching            ___ Do they want/seek affectionate touching?
___ How much do I sexually desire my partner          ___ How do they respond to my sexual desire
___ How much does my partner sexually desire me   ___ How do they accept my sexual response
___ Do I use my partner’s looks to enhance my desire            ___ Do they use my looks to enhance desire
___ Do I use my partner’s voice to enhance my desire            ___ Do they use my voice to enhance desire

_____ My Total Base Attraction Score                       _____ My Projection of their Base Score
NOTE: We provide a key to scoring and interpreting the meaning of these attractions.

Attraction Worksheet Analysis

Now that we have read the attractions summary, it will be easier to deconstruct the preliminary Attractions Worksheet provided at the front of this document.

Section One

The first seven items reflect the reasons we believe we are in the relationship. These “seven A’s” reflect where we deny ourselves and where we seek our partners to fix us. Since we each need different types of reassurance, we tend to choose individuals who can complement and balance out our needs vs. their needs. Examine each attraction you have for your partner and determine how you can take ownership of this need and take care of yourself instead. See to what degree your partner has reflected your perceived needs.

Higher score reflects our attraction to partner                             Higher score reflects partner’s attraction to us 
­­­___ Partner’s ability to pay attention to me                ___ My desire to pay attention to them
___ Partner’s acceptance of how I operate               ___ My acceptance of how they operate
___ Partner’s availability to me (time or energy)        ___ My availability to them (time or energy)
___ Partner’s adoration/respect of me                        ___ My adoration/respect for them
___ My admiration/esteem for them                           ___ Partner’s admiration/esteem of me
___ My approval/support of who they are                 ___ Partner’s approval/support of who I am
___ My appreciation of partner’s qualities                ___ Partner's appreciation of my qualities

Section Two

This section indicates the degree we are caught up in unconscious attractions. Excitement, Intensity, and Repulsion are the primary indicators of unconscious Instinctive, Intellectual, and Idealized interactions. The higher score (among the three) indicates the primary level we are operating from. If a partner is operating from a different level, it would make the relationship much more difficult. It is also possible that since we are attracted to them, it could indicate that we are operating at this level but unconscious of it.

___ My excitement (turn on) about my partner          ___ Partner’s desire to see me as exciting
___ Partner values my intensity/effort                        ___ My intensity/effort is valued by partner
___ Lack of repulsion or rejection by them                ___ Partner’s ability not to repulse/reject me

Section Three

This section indicates the motivations that define the relationship and/or support its growth. The first four lines reflect the primary motivation of the four levels of relationship. The remaining three reflects a desire to grow together and be more conscious. If the total points for the first three exceed the total of the last four, then growth in the relationship is likely compromised.

___ Partner’s demonstration of caring for me            ___ My demonstration of caring for my partner
___ Partner’s desire & ability to sacrifice for me       ___ My desire & ability to sacrifice for them
___ Partner’s desire & ability to support my vision    ___ My desire & ability to support their vision
___ My desire & ability to co-create with partner     ___ Partner’s desire & ability for co-creation
___ My appreciation of their inner beauty                ___ Their appreciation of my inner beauty
___ My ability to value/understand their Truth          ___ Their ability to value/understand my Truth
___ Their ability to accept my goodness/love            ___ My ability to share my goodness/love

Section Four

This section indicates how present we are to Instinctive level attractions. Since most individuals will score this section for themselves and their partner, it is important to add the points for each to learn if there is balance between the two. Lack of balance will indicate instability in the relationship because fears will be more active for one than the other. From this process we will also learn how much our partners appreciate our packaging of Sexy, Smart and Solid. We use personality as a reference for reliability and solidity (because this issue is not immediately obvious to most people). The final line reflects perceptions of whether the connection (on the instinctive level) is effective.

___ How much my partner fits my “type”                 ___ How much I fit my partner’s “type”
• Appearance: ___    (scale of 1 - 10)                                • Appearance: ___      (scale of 1 - 10)
• Personality:  ___    (reflects our assessment of them)             • Personality:  ___ (reflects their attractions to us)
• Intelligence: ___                                                       • Intelligence  ___
___ My partner meets/exceeds my expectations        ___ How I meet or exceed their expectations

Section Five

This section of attraction options determines our mutual long-term comfort in being together. Since it reflects security attractions, it stimulates intellectual parity. Any perceived lack of parity results in defensiveness when there is not a balance between what we want and what we are receiving.

___ My partner complements/ensures my success     ___ How I complement my partner’s success
___ My partner helps me feel safe & secure              ___ How I help my partner feel safe & secure
___ My partner shares my interests & activities        ___ How I share their interests & activities
___ My partner resolves conflicts with me                 ___ How I resolve conflicts with my partner
___ My partner reflects my socio-economic status     ___ I improve their socio-economic status
___ My partner’s health and age relative to me          ___ My health and relative age to them

Section Six

This section reflects becoming more conscious about attractions. It indicates that we are beginning to recognize the purpose of attractions. While these perceptions may be idealized, the sensitivity to different energetic perceptions is reflected in the scoring. Hopefully, our average score for each item is higher than the mean score (which we will establish by adding up all the choices and dividing by the number of choices made).

___ My partner enjoys my autonomy/aliveness        ___ How I enjoy their autonomy/aliveness
___ My partner engages and grows with me              ___ How I engage and grow with my partner
___ My partner and I are synergistic/flowing            ___ How easy they find me to work with
___ My partner and I are passionate/playful             ___ How fun/entertaining I am to be around

Section Seven

This section reflects the modalities being relied upon to reinforce the attractions we have to our partner. Smell, looks, and voice reflect objectified instinctive attractions based on excitement and the pursuit of pleasure. Taste, strength, and innocence reflect subjective intellectual attractions based on the perception of power and intensity. Touch, adoration, and admiration reflect idealized attractions based on the perception of the possibility of growth and the desire to relax. The scores reflect how aware we are of our attractions vs. theirs.

___ How good my partner smells to me                      ___ How good do I smell to my partner
___ How “right” my partner tastes to me                    ___ How “right” do I taste to my partner
___ How much do they provide affectionate touching              ___ Do they want/seek affectionate touching?
___ How much do I sexually desire my partner         ___ How do they respond to my sexual desire
___ How much does my partner sexually desire me   ___ How do they accept my sexual response
___ Do I use my partner’s looks to enhance my desire             ___ Do they use my looks to enhance desire
___ Do I use my partner’s voice to enhance my desire            ___ Do they use my voice to enhance desire

The overall analysis can be facilitated if we are willing to add up the scores and divide by the choices made (options). This will provide an average we can compare to our partner’s.

_____ My Total Base Attraction Score                        _____ My Projection of their Base Score
_____ Number of options scored                                _____ Number of options scored for them
_____ Divide the first by the second for average        _____ Do same to establish partner’s average

Optionally, we can evaluate each section in terms of the others. This requires that we add up the scores and the number of choices in each section to establish a comparison number that represents each section. We have provided a structure below to facilitate this process:

___ Total Section One (us)                                         ___ Total Section One (our Partner)
___ Number of Choices Made (us)                             ___ Number of Choices Made (them)
___ Average for this Section (us)                               ___ Average for this section (them)

___ Total Section Two (us)                                        ___ Total Section Two (our Partner)
___ Number of Choices Made (us)                             ___ Number of Choices Made (them)
___ Average for this Section (us)                               ___ Average for this section (them)

___ Total Section Three (us)                                      ___ Total Section Three (our Partner)
___ Number of Choices Made (us)                           ___ Number of Choices Made (them)
___ Average for this Section (us)                               ___ Average for this section (them)

___ Total Section Four (us)                                        ___ Total Section Four (our Partner)
___ Number of Choices Made (us)                             ___ Number of Choices Made (them)
___ Average for this Section (us)                               ___ Average for this section (them)

___ Total Section Five (us)                                         ___ Total Section Five (our Partner)
___ Number of Choices Made (us)                            ___ Number of Choices Made (them)
___ Average for this Section (us)                              ___ Average for this section (them)

___ Total Section Six (us)                                          ___ Total Section Six (our Partner)
___ Number of Choices Made (us)                            ___ Number of Choices Made (them)
___ Average for this Section (us)                               ___ Average for this section (them)

___ Total Section Seven (us)                                      ___ Total Section Seven (our Partner)
___ Number of Choices Made (us)                             __ Number of Choices Made (them)
___ Average for this Section (us)                               ___ Average for this section (them)boo

Page Author: 
© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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