The Three Problems Of Relationship

Most problems in relationships are based upon uncomfortable similarities, differences in ways of operating or mismatched goals or aspirations. Uncomfortable similarities generate irritation because our partner is either implementing something we previously denied or they are faking a solution that we have figured out the real answers to. What is uncomfortable is the dissonance we feel because we are not in alignment with them in what they are doing. When we have differences in our way of operating, say, for example, defensive differences, it creates tension that is never fully addressed. If we were operating in a more creative way, this tension could be positive because it could lead to a higher level of integration and resolution. Unfortunately, when we have fixed differences and we do not understand their perspective, then we just argue and become more polarized. Eventually, the relationship becomes completely dysfunctional and poisonous.

What makes relationships work is how we grow in our capacity to embrace our partner’s differences without losing ourselves. This means we need to build greater Autonomy as the first step to resolving these problems. The second step is to be able to be transformed by our love of them and their love of us, which is about creating Intimacy, If we have this ability to remake possibilities between us. The third issue, then, is where we have differences in aspirations or goals, which can be addressed by finding small things that motivate us together and building upon them. Finally, these problems have in common is whether or not we can be understood and trusted or not. The trust issue can only be addressed if we can own our impact on our partner and their impact on us. This requires us to understand how defensive distortions reinforce differences and a lack of alignment between partners.

Our defensive distortions come in three major styles: 1) Objectification, 2) Subjectification; and 3) Idealization. While some individuals can have all three of these, it is better to work on the more personal ones first so that we clear the distortions in a way with the greatest positive impact on our lives. Distant individuals have more Objectification issues while Disnamic individuals have Objectification and Subjectification issues. Dynamic individuals are more trapped by Subjectification and Disarming individuals are more trapped by Objectification and Idealization. Our Primary Creative Expression also has a major impact on these patterns. Feminine expressions such as Inventor, Compassionate and Visionary are more impacted by Idealization and Objectification.

Masculine Expressions such as Implementer, Orchestrator and Investigator are more impacted by Subjectification. Storytellers are most impacted by Objectification and Subjectification. We usually address Objectification first in Safety & Security and early Outer Success WorldViews. Then, we address Subjectification in Outer Success and Early Relationship WorldViews. We address Idealization last because any imbalances between Objectification and Subjectification automatically amplify Idealization. Idealization is always a major factor at the Relationship level.

Objectification is a problem because we are not comfortable with taking into account the people around us. We usually fall into this pattern when our parents did not have clear boundaries and we felt minimized and not seen by them. The core distortion is disconnection, where we feel compelled to prove that we matter by doing activities that will build our reputation and let people know they better not mess with us. What we are most concerned about is personal safety so we build up our sense self-respect by trying to do things where others would value us. This isolates us and we never fully feel comfortable that others have our best interests at heart. Instead, we attempt to micromanage our interactions and zealously protect our prerogatives to do things the way we want. The ironic thing is, that while we are attempting to prove how important we are, we have not taken the risks that we need to be truly actualized. We lack both trust and unity in the good nature of others in our lives. This inhibits the support we can count on and we diminish how much the Universe will show up for us.

Subjectification is a problem because we overly focus on taking care of ourselves and trying to impose our own solutions on others we care about. This usually shows up as telling someone the ‘right way’ to do a particular thing. We usually believe that our experience is superior to others’ around us. The truth is that we are great task management experts in our own lives, but we may not be able to understand the people around us very well. The more we succeed at getting people to adopt our truth, the more likely they become resentful and resist our input. This is because we rarely give them a choice or take their input into full consideration. We also do not want to be beholden to others, so we diminish the active support of others. What this does is teach us how to take charge and make others do what we want. The core distortion is about disaffiliation, where we do not want to be responsible for others. It becomes easier to criticize them when they mess up than to show them, in a positive manner, how to make things work. As a result, we insulate ourselves from others so that we are not really available to them.

Idealization is a problem because we get caught up in superficially caretaking others by trying to create some long term change, without being fully committed to making the change within ourselves. The key distortion is enmeshment, where we confuse our Feelings and Emotions and end up projecting them on our partners and certain situations, wanting things to be better. These projections keep us off balance and prevent us from dealing with the tactical requirements of creating the solutions we desire. We also cannot separate our desires from the desires of others, which means we unwittingly put ourselves in situations where we attempt to fix others. This, of course, is most likely unsuccessful and creates a lot of impatience because we think things should be easier than they are. Ultimately, we need to recognize that it takes personal diligence to implement changes in our lives, which can only happen one small step at a time. Anytime we get swept into greater aspirations, we need to recognize that it may be beyond anyone’s capacity to do it as fast as we want it done.

Idealization Distortion Creates False Hope

For example, a Visionary (feminine) woman with a Dynamic Defense style (masculine) will need to express her Emotions to actualize her power, but instead, frequently diverts her Emotions to her intellect. In her attempt to protect herself, she minimizes her vulnerability by not sharing her Emotions. This has the profound effect of increasing her susceptibility to Idealization, which minimizes her authentic Creative Expression. This distortion, where she vacillates between over and under investing in Emotions, makes her inconsistent and less trustworthy to others. This imbalance in Emotion combines a need for the Visionary woman to use her Emotions to link with others, yet she will be unwilling to own her desires, creating irritating attempts to manage others.

By not affirming or acknowledging her desires, she could attempt to influence outcomes without assuming personal responsibility, or overdo her responsibility by not letting others contribute to her (so she will not lose control). The main indicators are an overemphasis on outcomes at the cost of the process, endless delays where we have difficulty getting everyone on the same page and not being satisfied with current progress or results. Since she is sensitive to the perceptions of others, it is hard for her to be denied success. This leads to negative self-talk, which eventually results in becoming angry or upset at the lack of progress in others. The frustration and impatience she feels will lead to choices that are not optimum for her.

Subjectification Distortion Denies Trust

Then there is also the issue of Subjectification where we become overly identified with what we know and seek to push others to implement our solutions. For example, if we are an Investigator (masculine) man with a Distant Defense Style (denying both our masculine and feminine), we could fall into the perspective that our intellectual clarity (without Emotions to bias us) makes us superior decision-makers. Others may see this as being arrogant, aloof, or acting like know-it-alls. The challenge is that others could find us always shifting from feelings of inadequacy to lacking the love and appreciation of others. As a result, we become overly fixated on providing information so others will affirm us.

This focus on being seen as knowledgeable may promote false perceptions as struggling to find our voice. As an Investigator, we would naturally be seen as smart if we could relax. We could believe that the structure of our thinking is self-validated enough to tell others what to do and ignore their perceptions in the process. We could convince ourselves that what we are doing is helping others become more proficient, when, in fact, we are undermining their knowing. On the other hand, we could, out of our own desire to be heard when people are not listening or are not taking us seriously, subjectify them so that they will have to take us into consideration. We justify this as ‘sharing our expertise’ but we react when others question our suggestions, revealing our defensive orientation. We react to the possibility that others could learn better if they would just accept their own mistakes. Subjectification is usually a desire to be seen as self-important, but this is only because we have not yet accepted that we are important. As we get more balanced, we see the value of Emotions to reflect and clarify our Thoughts. Until then, our denial of Emotions leads us to over-intellectualize solutions so we do not take into account the Emotions of others around us, leading us to poor choices.

Objectification Distortion Creates Superficial Temporary Options

The third example is Objectification, which is the most common defensive distortion. Objectification is the denial of the Intent quality or value of something because we have become fixated on its appearance. The more we pursue Beauty and ignore Aliveness, the more we try to create substitute ways to manage our own safety. If a Storyteller (equally masculine and feminine) with a Disarming Defense Style (feminine) is caught in Objectification, it means that we cannot see the whole picture. Instead, we are fixated on feeling safe and trying to be seen and accepted by our partners as we are. We are frequently trapped by assumptions that Safety can only be achieved by looking a prescribed way. We keep trying to please others when really, it becomes about how much we will compromise ourselves to make them feel better. Sometimes this programming is completely inept.

For example, we could falsely believe that blondes are ‘cuddly’ or that softer features mean that someone is much ‘nicer.’ These perceptions are frequently the conclusions we have made because of our unresolved history with our parents, and therefore, are unconscious and irrational (because we established these beliefs on a preverbal level). This is why a lot of our expectations are frequently unmet in relationships, because they are not validated in our current experiences. This Storyteller could be constantly repeating patterns of relationship that only make sense to him, but are not tested with partners in any realistic way. This results in repeating the same basic patterns over and over without any change. He could also become disillusioned because he always ends up as the caretaker, but is never valued in the process. Usually when we are caught in this pattern, we take on partners who feel safe, but who always end up hurting us. This is because our assumptions and associations do not match the reality of those we attract.

When We Cannot See Our Options Fully, We Choose Poorly

Many individuals have Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization patterns at the same time. The sources of these patterns are imbalances in our Modalities, which keep us from having an integrated response. The cost is a reinforcement of certain imbalances in us that attract individuals with complementary imbalances. Objectification occurs due to imbalances in our Sensations and Feelings so that we cannot process our actions or hold our Intent. Because Beauty is a form of engagement to something more inclusive, some of us idealize it, ignore it or get distracted by it. We lack the body wisdom or the Life energy direction that would bring Aliveness to our actions. This blockage in our Sensations and/or Feelings paralyzes us from taking action quickly or engaging in conscious, appropriate risk-taking. When we can experience Stillness in our body and notice the movement going on around us, then it indicates we have attained a degree of integration. Cellular Affinity (also know as sexual chemistry) is the Stillness driven awakening process meant to transmutes our incomplete sensations and feelings so they are balanced and made whole. We talk more about this process in the second CNG section.

Subjectification occurs due to imbalances with our Thoughts and Emotions, so that we cannot process or operate autonomously in our Truth, or dispassionately hold our Content. We lack the discrimination and character that comes with understanding both ourselves and those around us. We lack the presence of Wisdom and instead fall into defensive patterns and Intensity where competition and self-aggrandizement rule us. This blockage in our Thoughts and/or Emotions produces Positions where we cannot see the whole set of circumstances. When we can experience Solitude (in our mind) and know we are still connected to the Universe because we know that separativeness is an Illusion, then it indicates that we have attained a degree of acceptance of our Creative Self. Vibratory Response (also know as intellectual stimulation) is the Solitude driven awakening process meant to transform our incomplete emotions and thoughts so they are balanced and made whole. We talk more about this process in the third CNG section.

Idealization occurs due to imbalances in our Feelings and Emotions, so that we cannot process or operate in a larger Context. It also prevents us from developing or enhancing our Intuition. We lack the balance and gravitas that comes with seeing both the positive and negative of any situation together. What become limited are our Growth, Passion and our ability to love and be loved by others. This blockage in our Feelings and/or Emotions produces projections where we compare ourselves with others, seeking to be more important. This leads to cycles where we overemphasize others’ contributions only to bring them down later. The real problem is that nothing ever seems to get done or be completed the way we imagined it. When we can experience Silence (in our being) and realize the contributions we are making merely by our presence, then Idealization will no longer have its hold on us. Vibratory Expansion (also know as creative chemistry) is the Silence driven awakening process meant to transfigure our incomplete feelings and emotions so they are balanced and made whole. We talk more about this process in the third CNG section.

The reason we do not see larger relationship opportunities is because we are caught in patterns of denial and limitation when it comes to our Modalities. It is hard for us to imagine a relationship where we do not have arguments. We begin to believe that the work required in co-dependent relationships is a given. The more we do not see our full range of expression, both in our Modalities and in terms of our Creativity, the less we expect from our relationships. Instead, we fall into re-creating the limitations of our parents’ relationship with other people. In effect, we take on our parents’ lessons and do not step back and consider what we would like to solve, explore or do to choose the kind of relationships that would work for us. Higher Alignment stimulates discussions so we can appreciate the versatility and greatness of our Creative Nature.

Healing Our Imbalances

It makes sense that the more balanced we are between our masculine and feminine, the less we get caught up in relationship problems. We not only heal our co-dependence tendencies by being balanced, but we actually address a lot of our defensive distortions because these are just another level of imbalance between the masculine and feminine. The only real problem is when we become polarized within ourselves and do not think the incorporation of masculine and feminine energies is natural to us. We can assure you that expanding into both masculine and feminine expressions is the only true way to bring out our full Creativity and gifts. Unless you want to continue to creatively hobble yourself and limit your future, you will need to expand your self-definition to include a masculine and feminine side to everything you do.

In summary, individuals initially are caught up in roles of masculine and feminine expression, which are not embodied. When this happens, individuals have a ‘deer in the headlights’ look and are more concerned with how others perceive them, which makes them more adamant and focused on their outer strength than inner qualities of connection. They either are or act more distant and externally strong to offset their internal lack of knowing. If individuals have an intellectual framework the same as their gender identity, it is easier for them to initially be seen. Their big challenge comes when they need to embrace their opposite sides, but many never reach the third level of relationship. Non-traditional men and women have more difficulty being seen initially, which makes them more open to change when they see creative opportunities in different relationships. Eventually, everyone in the process of life itself learns masculine and feminine ways of operating.

Relationship Skills help us to expand our ‘being’ and ‘becoming.’ As we have said, the masculine is about ‘becoming,’ while the feminine is more about ‘being.’ There are feminine skills, which are introspective tools, such as Wisdom, Physical Discernment, Personality Detachment and Intuitive Discrimination that we use to wake up. There are also masculine skills such as Aliveness, Playfulness, Paradox and Mutual Learning that we use to grow up. Each skill is a doorway where we take responsibility for being complete and engaged with our partner. We call this combination of skills ‘learning to show up.’ We make the assumption that we have what it takes to make our own choices and to create our own possibilities. This is summarized by the process of owning our destiny.

We build our Autonomy by letting go of false or confusing self-identifications. For example, Creative Imprints confuse or distract us from our authentic Creative Expression. This occurs when we adopt parental patterns at the cost of our own well-being. Imagine having an Implementer father who does not appreciate our Inventor openness. In this situation, it is easy to take on the authoritarian structure of our father’s pattern and end up denying our own creative exploration of possibilities. These opposing patterns create dissonance within us, as we feel torn between affirming our father’s pattern or affirming our own.

Other examples occur when we have authentic feminine Creative Expressions and feel the necessity to present ourselves in defensive masculine ways. This conflict between our inner truth and the outer need to prove ourselves reduces the clarity we express when speaking. Others end up reacting because they do not feel secure that we are a particular way. This doubt and second-guessing can be amplified whenever we shift between our natural way of doing things versus what we think we need to do to prove ourselves. The more defensive we are the more others believe our reactions indicate the actual truth, because they no longer trust their experience of our Creative Alignment.

Even on a Gender Identity level, when we operate outside the predefined role of what it means to be male or female, it creates confusion. Others do not know if this is because we lack commitment or clarity or even know what we are doing. The source of Gender Identity confusion is because since WWII, with the shortage of men, this opened the door to Non-Traditional gender perspectives. Traditionally, women were seen as the weaker sex, which meant they deserved to be supported and nurtured. Men were required to be providers and therefore had to pursue potential mates and convince them of their sincerity. As long as our masculine and feminine Defenses matched our gender identity, they reinforced each other. This is called a traditional relationship. Non-traditional relationships happen when our masculine and feminine defenses are the opposite of our Gender Identities. It also requires greater integration and processing to affirm what works for us because we are no longer fixed in Expectation frameworks.

Overall, we have either masculine or feminine expressions on our Mental Body, Secondary and Primary Creative Expressions. In addition to our obvious Gender Identity, our Decision Making emphasizes either masculine (Convergent) or feminine (Divergent) approaches based on circumstances and the people we have around us. Our Communication Process emphasizes Intent, Content or Context, which can be either masculine or feminine, depending upon the evolution and integration of our consciousness. Finally, our Defenses, Pretenses and Imprinting can sabotage our authentically embodied masculine or feminine. While other Compatibility Factors do have some impact on the embodiment and integration of our masculine and feminine, they do not make a big difference. What this means is that the more natural we are in our expression of our masculine and feminine, the less we are trapped by our own perceptions, previous decisions and judgments. This makes us more available to apply ourselves to the contributions we wish to make.

This means that we do not project Positions or have Attachments that our partners have to be any way other than the way they are. As a result, there is no Defensive Inertia, Resistance, Intensity or Projection. All skills are about mutual growth because each can only be demonstrated with a partner who is aligned with us. The critical point of this mutuality is that skills are both masculine and feminine and bring out both sides in their implementation. In short, this means we are operating in a Transpersonal manner and taking others into consideration as well as ourselves. There is less contrast on this third level because Relationship Skills are a mixture of masculine and feminine. The Idealized level is feminine as well. When we shift into the fourth Intuitive level it is with the recognition that we are affirming ourselves in both masculine and feminine ways and have integrated our Authentic Life Expression with our desire for conscious, co-creative partnerships.