Knowing About Skills

Self Embodiment Through Skills

Skills are special access patterns where we consciously connect with others, usually using common Motives, Attractions and Lessons. It is very difficult to embody a way of connecting with someone if we do not have clarity about the Motives and Attractions that make the connection real. Some people think of Skills as portals where we possess a common understanding about how to get something done. Skills represent building blocks where, by connecting to our humanity, we are able to connect more deeply with others. There are twelve Skills outlined on four levels, with three descriptors, one for each column. These descriptors are masculine, feminine and a combination of the two. The Instinctive level of Skills are about Aliveness, Wisdom and Growth. For example, an Instinctive masculine Skill is Aliveness. It is masculine because it is forwarding a possibility and directly engages it. If we do not have the possibility of being masculine, we will not do Aliveness well. At the Instinctive level, Aliveness needs to be instantaneous, because there is no thinking about it, just action in service to it.

The Instinctive feminine Skill is Wisdom. Wisdom is the capacity to be self-reflective and is therefore more feminine. It is about seeing a person outside the box you may have placed them in. With this Skill, we give people space to evolve and be what they want to be with us. Without Wisdom, we are critical, judgmental and constantly seeking to constrain someone’s expression. When we combine Aliveness with Wisdom, we have Growth. This means we can be outgoing as well as self-reflective. It also means we can see the inner possibilities and how they show up externally to us. This means we grow by changing the external world and seeing how it affects us, or changing the way we engage something within us and observing how the outer world shifts.

The main lesson we learn with Instinctive Skills is when to engage or disengage people, places or processes so we can maximize our ability to consciously move things forward. While the masculine may want us to move ahead and keep engaging, the feminine wants us to understand what we are engaging before we move on. This creates a tension that, when we take ownership of both Skills, resolves into a unified experience called Growth. It is ironic that sometimes we get caught up in a masculine or feminine Skill because it matches our gender identity. When we do not embrace the opposite polarity, it keeps us closed down and stuck in a performance of our gender identity mandates. For example, we think we have to be strong and directive because we are males (which means we cannot take time to process our experience), or, when caught in the feminine perspective of Wisdom (because we are female) it keeps us from taking outer action to move a process or person forward.

Intellectual Skills

The Intellectual level of Skills is about Playfulness, Personality Detachment and Autonomy. The Intellectual masculine Skill is Playfulness. As long as we are caught in a gender identity perspective, we have to be serious and cannot be playful. This indicates that we are being rigid and do not possess the creative flexibility it takes to grow up. Playfulness is the ability to imagine and step into a possibility without preconceptions so we can experience life fully. It empowers us to not be stuck in our conditioned ways of thinking. When we are able to engage with another person through playfulness, it brings out more creative opportunities for breakthrough. This is because we are not fixating on outcomes, but rather recognizing what is needed in the moment. It is a powerful tool to recognize when things are not working as we imagine they should.

The Intellectual feminine Skill is Personality Detachment. Personality Detachment recognizes that our conditioning is naturally self-limiting in that it can only see things on a personal basis. Until we let go of our personality perspective, we cannot explore the Transpersonal nature with our partners. This means our relationships adhere to the roles or conditioning of protection that operate on the Instinctive level. Personality Detachment is literally freeing ourselves from the expectations of others. It is about changing our set points where Safety and Security predominate, so new opportunities, when they show up, can be addressed. When we are with a person who can do Personality Detachment, we do not have to second guess what they tell us because we can be relatively assured that they are not holding anything back just to protect us.

When we combine Playfulness and Personality Detachment, we create the experience of Autonomy. This means that we can tell our truth as soon as we know it, as completely as we desire. It also means that we fully appreciate the consequences of what we say. An opposite of Autonomy is when we gossip, because we cannot hold our knowledge back. This even leads to emotional dumping when we feel unbalanced and upset. The real issue in Autonomy is knowing when it is appropriate to bring things up and when they should be withheld. The guideline is when we do not feel like sharing, we need to speak up. But when we feel the need to share, we want to make sure we are balanced in the sharing. We need to understand that we may need to say some things that will not be appreciated by others and that we need not to be attached to another’s reaction.

Idealized Skills

The Idealized level of Skills is about Paradox, Intuitive Discrimination, and Intimacy. The masculine side is about Paradox, which is about expanding our thought processes so we do not get caught in being completely linear in them. Paradox is about seeing the irony of the opposite patterns contained in some of the goals we are seeking. For example, when we idealize what we know and become fixated on implementing a particular methodology, there are always countervailing impulses or patterns that tend to drive circumstances in opposite directions. Even if we say things like, “Knowledge is Power”, there is a part of us that disputes this because we realize that some forms of knowledge make us less powerful (Chaos Theory). What this teaches us is there are different levels and results to almost any activity.

The Idealized feminine Skill is Intuitive Discrimination, which is about not being fixed in our knowing by allowing judgments to control our choices. Instead, it is about letting options emerge that transcend the basic problem paradigm we are examining. It is feminine because of its openness to all possible answers. Instead of being driven to come up with one choice (the natural masculine expression), it allows many choices to emerge so we can find the one that is most appropriate. This means being open to the many levels and layers of benefits. Unless we open ourselves up to possibilities, it is likely our personality will impose its ideas of the answers upon us and limit our choices.

When we combine Paradox with Intuitive Discrimination, Intimacy becomes possible. Intimacy is about deepening our sensitivity and understanding of what drives a process so we can embrace the core value or heart of the matter. Intimacy is all about taking risks in the service of a larger possibility. Unless we are willing to lose something, it is hard to be able to grow in relationships. The real issue is whether we are willing to lose love in the pursuit of love. Every invitation to love comes with the possibility that others may not receive it in the manner intended, and reject it. How can we learn to hold our love for others independent of their love for us? How long will it take us to learn that the real value of love is in the giving, not receiving? How long will it take to realize that sharing ourselves allows others to support us in unexpected ways, and allows us to be transformed by their love?

Intuitive Skills

The Intuitive level of Skills is about Mutual Learning, Physical Discernment and Co-Creativity. The masculine Intuitive Motive is Mutual Learning, which is a commitment to hold space with a partner so they feel good about adding their insights to the process. This means that we are not declaring our knowledge, we are instead listening to and reframing how our knowledge builds on theirs and vice versa. Mutual Learning requires a degree of awareness because we need to be able to operate in a Common Neutral Ground, so there can be an equal sharing of our perceptions and the capacity to build a new, unified perspective. When others share this with us, it is Playful, Paradoxical and highly rewarding. This points out that the more deeply we embody the Skills under our current operating Skill, the more powerful its expression will be. Hence, Aliveness, Playfulness and Paradox empower us to be in a deeper Mutual Learning.

The Intuitive feminine Skill is Physical Discernment. This is the Skill of knowing what is going on around us from the energetic reflections that emanate from our body. Some individuals use their Hara center; others use their breathing or heartbeat to synchronize with the people around them. This reveals the physical Sensations and Feelings that other people are experiencing. Some people have turned this into a lie detector capability, but we recommend it for calibrating to the energetic balancing that naturally occurs between friends, lovers, or even business partners. In each circumstance, we can know what is congruent with our partners, and what is not, when they react. We can also determine the level and clarity of the response others offer to certain activities or proposals. Physical Discernment is an awareness tool that promotes the reading of an individual, particularly when the person with them is clear and present in their body.  This is the best for accuracy.

When Mutual Learning and Physical Discernment come together, it produces a grounded experience of Co-Creative possibilities. We not only know what the options are in the experience of others physically, but can test whether or not they have the intellectual capacity to engage the things we want to do. This Skill creates a unifying effect with all of the other Skills, so the more Skills we bring online, the more complete is our picture of what we can do with another person. Co-Creativity is the summarization of our capacity to operate in Unity with others. It produces Communion experiences where we feel aligned with the activities of others. When we are not aligned, it is not because of a lack of Skills, but usually a misunderstanding of their Motives, WorldView, or a difference in our Authentic Life Expression. Skills are unifiers, not just between people but within us. The more Skills we have, the easier is our process of Personality Integration. With Skills, we know how to use boundaries exquisitely. We know what people need immediately. We recognize where there are opportunities and where there are traps. With Skills, we naturally grow in our WorldView at the maximum rate possible. The more we invest in others who have good Skills, the more we appreciate the time and investment we have made to making a relationship more conscious.