Self-Acceptance (Idealistic, Feminine)

Self-Acceptance is the capacity to be present with our selves vs. being internally absent. The more we can internalize our own experience and balance what we know within ourselves, the more responsive we can be in the world. Self-Acceptance is an ability to operate with others without losing ourselves in our Fears or Desires. This requires that we create and manifest our own Safety and Security so we do not have to pull away from others because something personal is troubling us. This usually happens when we are becoming more self-aware and we have progressively recovered ourselves from the “self-defined” problems and traumas of our past history. If we are caught up in our history, we are typically denying our present by living in the past. This type of repression can also have the effect of “acting out” our issues without seeing the source of them in our life. The more we can accept these things, the more this trauma energy is shifted to self-awareness and we can respond more effectively.

Self-Acceptance is an attraction that reflects how well others can see us. The more we can see and accept our Authentic Nature, the easier it is for others to experience our Truth and trust us. This process is greatly enhanced by clearing out those assumptions where we are incongruent with our own Truth (Pretenses, Defenses, Imprinting). The more we are able to be natural, the easier it is for others not to feel judged and accepted for who they are. Conversely, when our personality is in conflict with our Creative Nature, it makes us more difficult to be around. Irritation, therefore, is one of the key factors that indicate whether we are falling down on our standards or that others are not living up to our standards. Irritation reflects that we are locked into judgments and believe the only way to resolve the pressure is to demonstrate our concern. Unfortunately, to others, our irritation feels like being cut off from support and results in the feeling that we want nothing to do with them. This is why individuals who experience others’ irritation about them tend to avoid coming in contact with them.

We are repulsed by Self-Acceptance when our parents have used it against us. This is usually the responsibility of parents who are compromised in their Creative Expression because they do not know how to bring together their three types of intelligence: Primary, Secondary, and Mental Body. The more they are confused, the more critical they are of others’ growth and creative integration. Another factor is how this type of parent avoids growth and change and expects their own children to do so as well. When parents cannot accept themselves, they feel competitive and anxious when their children begin to do so.  As a result, they tend to sow doubt, fear, and the acceptance of compromise as a way to cope with life. The question is why do these children need a negative coping mechanism when in actuality they are enjoying their creative adventures in growth? It is ironic that these children will gravitate toward their grandparents or peer group friends to get the affirmation that they are okay as they are.  All these children really want is for others to see them, appreciate them, and believe that things will be okay.

In this diagram we can see there are four ways to develop Self-Acceptance as an attraction. The primary obstacle is to deny our Creative Self and not be willing to be who we really are. Usually this is the result of believing in and needing others to define us because we have been unwilling to be responsible for our own self-perceptions. The reason for this is that some individuals believe that they would become egotistic, arrogant, or be seen as being full of themselves. While this is true if we are attempting to build our personality up, it is not true if we are attempting to manifest our Creative Self. Our personality development process defines us in terms of what others think of us. To gain personal power, we try to influence how people think about us in a positive way. Our Creativity, on the other hand, is about learning how best to contribute to others. It releases us from any attempt to control or manipulate them. It also allows us to be self-revealing rather than hide behind our fears that who we are is somehow something to be ashamed of. The answer to this dilemma is to be able to share who we are as a test to see if others are aligned with us. When we find individuals that respond to us, it is due to our Self-Acceptance that they feel a connection to us.

If we need to see our selves in terms of others, we are still fighting our own self-reflection. We do not trust that showing up in a Creative manner will actually be valued. Therefore, we over-focus on who we are in relation to others and fixate on the strengths we can share. In this way we limit or deny any self-perceived weaknesses when in fact, some of these perceived weaknesses are really part of our greatness. Everything becomes a test to see how people react to us. We have not yet realized that some of the reactions of others could be, in fact, an invitation to see their own Creative greatness. It is ironic that if we are caught in this pattern it prevents us from growing in certain ways, which are reflected back to us by individuals who possess the same fixations.  Both of us begin to grow because each of us has to constantly deal with the irritations of others in order to appreciate who we are. The way out of this is to begin to build our sense of commonality with others so we are gifted with not only a larger perspective of ourselves, but our relationship to humanity. The more we focus on the possibility that others are more similar to us rather than different, the more we will grow in accepting ourselves.

Other individuals get caught up in past views of themselves and need to learn how to accept themselves now. The receptive side of the process is to honor our potential and move into new ways of thinking about ourselves moment to moment. Complementing this attachment to the past is a pattern of defining our selves in terms of our weaknesses rather than our strengths. Here, we just keep repeating these patterns of self-denial, which only reinforces negative perceptions about our lack of greatness. Ironically, it is our natural humility and desire for wholeness that makes others want to be more like us. Others see our self-denial as being less driven by our personality and outer success. The answer to this, of course, is to accept our selves now by engaging and actualizing our Creative potential no matter how challenging it is. Some would say we are beginning to tell our truth without hiding ourselves. We begin to see that stepping into our Creative Nature is not a demand for power or influence over others.

When we commit to operating in our authentic wholeness, our self-acceptance emerges in full bloom. Self-acceptance, therefore, requires the whole-hearted commitment to both Being and Becoming. As soon as we latch on to either side as the whole picture, we limit our expression. In direct terms, this means we need to honor and be receptive to the potential of our ongoing evolution, while simultaneously affirming our Creative Gifts as they currently manifest. One great example of this is how our three Creative Expressions come together to empower us to do something that was initially difficult to imagine. This process works because in each moment, and every day we know the next thing to do to effectively serve others. As a result, we keep learning and growing as more and more of our path is revealed. What emerges are Creative Gifts that, until the moment they are revealed, are not even a part of our awareness. The important thing to remember is that we cannot force this process or make Creative Gifts show up. This requires us to trust our own process.

Lessons of Self Acceptance

The lesson of Self-Acceptance requires us to trust our Creative Nature enough to use it to contribute to life. The more we are scared to contribute in an authentic way, the more we minimize our natural contributions to others. Usually this can be validated by the fact that our constituents do not have an interest in supporting us or engaging us in life. Our ability to accept ourselves is a key indicator that we have found the right contribution to make to others. We validate this by the amount of creative flow and value others have about how we contribute. Self-Acceptance is an indicator of a greater embodiment of the feminine side of our nature. It reflects an ability to work with the paradox of life and provide unexpected solutions to problems where the masculine has given up trying to make it work. The major obstacle is externalizing our trust by making others be the judge of our creative process. When we take responsibility for making things happen and do not expect others to live up to our desires, we experience alignment with others.

The more we accept ourselves, the less we feel the need to compromise ourselves or fix others because we see that everything is a part of their creative endeavor. The most we are willing to do is to be a guide to support them going deeper and accepting their truth as their source for direction. The more we are actualized in our Self Acceptance the more easily we hold space for others, meaning that we provide a Context for others to experience their own Truth. This is best manifested in a Common Neutral Ground so that appropriate boundaries can be established and we can build a mirror image of their experience for ourselves to appreciate with them. Ultimately, being a creative source for ourselves helps others to see they can do the same, which allows us to recover and regenerate our Creative path.

Summary Of Alignment Issues

We begin with Beauty Attachments because appearance is the major guide to unconscious attractions ensuring the procreation of the species. Our design, which is to seek out opportunities for pleasure, uses the packaging of sexy, smart, and reliable to generate Excitement so we will unconsciously choose partners familiar to us because they reflect our parental patterning. It is ironic that the driving force is Beauty because, when we objectify Beauty, it creates attachments that separate inner Beauty from outer Beauty and limit our experience to the solitariness of Excitement. Objectification is actually a protection mechanism to minimize the power of Beauty to effect us. While we experience the upside of objectifying others as making us feel good at their expense, the downside is that we are objectified and unable to fully connect with them. The more we are objectified into the packaging of sexy, smart, and reliable for the benefit of our partner, the more we can be hurt if they reject us. Unfortunately, Excitement lets us deny our pain in the pursuit of pleasure.

The cost of objectifying Beauty is that we live in ignorance, negativity and a world of reactions where we feel the constant need to adapt to others. We feel compelled to develop a persona and live in superficial perceptions of ourselves because we do not believe that others will accept us as we are. As a result, the imprinting of our parents becomes the method we use to seek reassurance from others, which only builds self-hatred because we are not being seen for who we actually are. The more we pander to the titillation of excitement, the more we amplify the use of fantasy in our relationships with others. This misuse of imagination disconnects us from our natural creativity and Aliveness, as we increasingly are compelled to be what others want us to be. The cost is that we are severely isolated and therefore seek a connection that is impossible because of our Excitement. In effect, we become trapped by our perceptions of what we need and fall into a state of inertia where nothing can be done to shake us out of this lethargic state.

The last cost of unconscious attractions is the negative, limiting experience of Imperil. Imperil is the denial of Life, Light, and Love in our interactions with others. It manifests as a negative energy that seeks angry and hateful ways to express its past pain, discounting, and denial. We discuss Imperil completely in the Enlightened Sexuality book. For now, Imperil reflects the way we deny our choices, opportunities, and growth to live small. By acting “small” we believe we can avoid the negative judgments of others. Instead, if we first judge ourselves, others will not be able to hurt us. The judgments of objectification, subjectification, and idealization increase our experience of Imperil because each of these compromises us in a fundamental manner that limits our ability to be with another. With Imperil it is almost impossible for others to see and accept our natural creative nature. Anyone who is creative becomes an immediate target for attack when an individual is compromised on two or more levels. Imperil drives us to act out ugly pleasures where we pull others down to make us feel better or superior.

Fear defines Instinctive attractions such as Sexiness, Smarts, and Reliability because they are built around what we could lose if we do not have the right connection to our partner. With Sexiness we are afraid we will lose our instinctive desire, which is used as a crutch to move the relationship forward. With Smarts, it is about having a stimulating conversation that keeps us wanting to be in the relationship. With Reliability, it is about seeking a partner that will not abandon us and who will be there when we need them. When we mutually buy into these fears it creates an Unconscious Entanglement where we feel compelled to take care of our partners, yet unable to honor our own Truth and needs. Due to the fact that we feel compelled to be what others want us to be, we feel pressured to do role-playing. Over time, we fear getting caught up in these roles but we are unwilling to tell the truth to our partners until we get engaged or get married. 

The biggest problem with Instinctive Attractions is that they are the most fickle and changeable of all the attractions. This means no matter how effectively we screen our partners based on our fears, there is no way to keep them from leaving us when something changes. It could be merely that we get tired, bored, or irritated by the very things that were initially attractive to us. Some people give up on higher-level attractions and use only their Instinctive Attractions to get what they can, whenever they can. Their primary desire is not to postpone any degree of potential pleasure. By seeking pleasure whenever possible, they try to minimize their fear. The main problem with this is that as we grow older, we either have to become more persuasive or do more with less to maintain a connection. These individuals believe that it is all luck or random chance, which dictates our ability to make a relationship work.

The key lesson of Objectification is not to accept appearances as a way to understand others. In our childhood conditioning we frequently fall into the trap of believing that a certain image of someone will represent safety in a partner. For example, we may think a woman with blond hair is always going to be safe and cuddly. After twenty relationships where the truth was constantly different than our imagined experience, we still choose blond women. Appearances are based on associative intelligence where we assign Feeling qualities to how someone looks (falsely believing they are real). As we come to realize that the objects of our intentions fail to live up to our expectations, projecting our intentions on them becomes a losing proposition for us. It not only puts us into a passive framework, but compromises our Aliveness through Excitement. What we need to do is to reset our assumptions about what represents real safety, and challenge our associative beliefs. Otherwise, we become jaded, burned out, and as bored as the people we previously lost ourselves in.

Truth Positions, the second level of attractions, reflect our intention to individuate ourselves so we are less at the effect of others. Our design, which is to affiliate ourselves with those qualities that make us feel more powerful, is manifested in the positions of Innocence, Strength, and Personal Autonomy where we believe the manifestation of our Truth requires the subjectification of others. Subjectification is putting others at the effect of our Truth to increase our sense of personal power. We do this by convincing others that we know more than they do and that their success depends on their agreement with us. The irony is that the more we mentally subjectify others, the more we are subjectified by the beliefs others have about us. Since all positions are incomplete perspectives of the Truth, it naturally creates Intensity with others and we become polarized when there are disagreements. We fall into the Success Trap of believing knowledge is power and then cannot manifest the Wisdom that would enable us to be successful with others. The more attached we are to our positions and the pursuit of outer power, the more it leads to unsatisfying and unproductive results. Unfortunately, Intensity lets us deny our delusions in the pursuit of outer power.

The cost of subjectifying Truth is that we are caught up in endless comparative thinking that frustrates any personal growth. As we define ourselves in terms of each other’s perspectives, Co-Dependence leads to mutual compromise where we only experience the ugly pleasure of denying each other. While we are caught up in the illusion that our Truth is complete, we are actually promoting positions that do not take into account a complete view of the circumstances. Unfortunately, we cannot see what is missing and therefore do not know how to correct these circumstances. The stress and friction that is caused by our intensity also tends to show up in disease because we are unable or unwilling to accept our shadow nature where we have disowned and denied ourselves. When we are not able to control others or fulfill our goals in any kind of consistent way, anger and revenge becomes our default response. We can see this in our need to get even with others who we perceived did us wrong. Until we let go of our need to be right and make others wrong, we are caught in a world where any attempts to manipulate outer circumstances actually end up impacting us in ways that were unforeseen. This is the Law of Unintended Consequences, which keeps us busy by providing losses for every perceived gain we make.

On the second level of Intellectual Attractions Innocence, Strength and Personal Autonomy are all framed in terms of being clear about our desires. Innocence is the feminine framework for attracting whatever is needed. While traditionally this was thought of as the “nesting instinct” where we create beautiful homes to raise the best children, it is actually about being vulnerable so we will get whatever we need. While women in the previous century have used this Attraction more effectively then men, men are now getting into the act. Strength is the masculine framework for either grabbing what is needed or being indifferent or above what is needed. Strength is about persevering over adversity based on physical capacity or character that disarms others. This was mostly the domain of men until the 1970’s and 80’s when women got into the act. Personal Autonomy is the highest form of Desire expression because it reflects that we are able to actively negotiate what we need and how best to get it.

When we buy into Desires, we want our partners to agree with us. What gets in the way is their own Desires and potentially different priorities to obtain what they want. Whenever a partner has something we need, and we have something they want, it forms the basis for opposite attractions and the negotiation of needs. If we are Innocent, we naturally want a Strong person beside us (and vice versa). The real problem is the lengths we will go to, to create minute differences between us so we always have leverage over each other. As the saying goes, if we give them an inch, they’ll take a mile! This occurs because we do not have clean boundaries beyond our defensive preconceptions. When we are caught up in competition with each other, we do not realize the opportunities we are missing outside of us. Personal Autonomy encourages us to take ownership of our circumstances, which encourages our partner to do the same. The more we get fixated on these attractions (to get us what we want), the more Co-dependent we become.

The key lesson of Subjectification is to not compromise our Truth to gain the acceptance of those around us. Behind this problem is the perceived difference in Power because those in power can get more of what they want. Positions are leveraged as part of the ongoing power struggle so that issues become not only offensive, but defensive in nature. Defenses are based on comparative intelligence where inclusivity and Paradox are not engaged to see the whole Truth. Positions not only put us at the effect of our partners, but which compromise our Wisdom through Intensity. We become reactive, barking dogs that must protect our territory by escalating our separative demands. As long as we need to prove we are right, we are caught in a no-win game where we only discover what we are not. The more we fixate on what we want our partner to be for us, the more we unconsciously set the stage for their attempts to change us. This becomes a battlefield where we cannot give in without severely compromising ourselves. This does not keep us from attempting to gain security from a partner (by creating a Status Quo Contract relationship). Most individuals initially see this as a harmless game.

The third level is Goodness Projections, where we deny our power by externalizing and idealizing it. At this level, we try to avoid making mistakes by building repulsions to what previously made us unsuccessful. This requires us to deny our inherent Goodness in the eternal pursuit of ideals that seem impossible to fulfill. Idealization is the realization of who we are to a good or bad assessment that drives us to hide and not accept our self as we are. We vacillate among self-acceptance, self-rejection, and personal intimacy and navigate our relationships by trying to prove we are covertly superior to others. The problem is, that while our projections distance us from others, we counterbalance it by seeking entangled closeness. This creates a longing for Co-Creation and the need to be validated in our “perfectionist” goals. Unfortunately, Repulsion lets us create an artificial Goodness by focusing on how bad and wrong others are to distract us from our own internal discomforts. In this way, we do not see the folly and delusion of our idealistic attachments and end up losing faith in our ability to change the world.

The cost of idealizing Goodness is that then we will never be good. Our desire to seek out ways to prove our Goodness actually distances us from ever accepting our self as we are. The rejection of our ideals by others also reinforces that we are not good. The only way to actually engage Goodness is to accept that we are perfect exactly as we are. This seems to defeat the entire purpose because then we believe we would have no motivation to improve our circumstances. Our personality fundamentally believes that who we are is not good, because that is what we were taught as children. Until we remove this false edifice of what we have to do to prove ourselves good, we will be caught in a vicious cycle of never being good enough. This requires that we see in our strengths and weaknesses a natural knowing about where we could move forward. Until we do so the cost is that we cannot be of service to others and or build community in a way that would be naturally sustainable. This is because service and community building requires a mutual connection with others where we decide on things together. Idealization polarizes any conscious creation with others because then they need to meet our standards to be able to work with us.

When we cannot share our Truth, Desires, or Fears we are effectively trying to make the best of a confusing and difficult situation. We find ourselves not able to say no to our partners because that would provoke reactions that are not worth engaging. Idealistic Attractions (Self Acceptance, Personal Self Rejection (PSR), and Personal Intimacy) can be framed in terms of an agreement to maintain Mutual Protection with our partners. The more Self-Acceptance we possess, the more Personality Self-Rejection we can tolerate. All we ask for in our partner is that they make the effort to meet us where we are. We also want them to be open and flexible when it comes to resolving a problem. We, therefore, expect our partner to investigate their own projections upon us before making judgments about us. Any time there is an edgy, critical, or even malicious aspect to our engagement, we expect to first be given the benefit of the doubt.

Co-dependence is easy to fall into and naturally becomes a Mutual Protection scheme, particularly when we are Idealistic. This reflects the third stage of relationship development called Partners In Process, where we have difficulty grounding ourselves. If we cannot tell our Truth harmlessly, then we are likely still in a Co-dependent relationship. Another part of this dilemma is where we want to see the Goodness in others, and therefore ignore anything that challenges that perception. Behind all of these idealistic patterns, is the judgment about what should be the standard that everybody lives up to. We therefore, get irritated when we do not live up to these standards, and we get irritated when others do not live up to them as well.

The more we release and neutralize our unconscious attractions, the more we begin to discover and enjoy the authentic nature of those around us. At this stage of relationship development we see that our fixations and drama about attractions are counter-productive to getting what we want. It is easy to get lost in the quality of the connection because we are so impressed by how someone shows up in their Truth. We attempt to heal ourselves by becoming more curious about the underlying patterns in all our interactions with others. We find ourselves asking questions about our motivations for taking a particular action. Where possible, we let go of unproductive patterns of operation that no longer serve any purpose. In doing this, we gradually move beyond the Partners-In-Process stage and become more mature and conscious. This opening allows a sense of adventure and mutual discovery that can lead to Mutual Growth. It sometimes feels forbidden because it goes beyond the limitations established in a Co-dependent framework.

The key lesson of Idealization is to not put others above or below us, because it creates an imbalance that comes back to haunt us. Idealization is based on dissociative intelligence where we have difficulty seeing real connections and bringing issues together. It not only puts us into a desire for perfection that cannot be attained, but isolates us from the very ideals we seek. It also creates upper boundary limits where we fear the things we desire. Upper boundary limits get triggered whenever things get too good and we are afraid that we will get used to it. This creates impulses within us to sabotage our selves so we will not experience the pressure of losing something we wanted. We become rigid, self-serving, and even self-aggrandizing in our attempts to be spiritually superior. Idealization is, hence, a competition over who can be more perfect and principled. Unfortunately, this sort of ‘hyper-vigilance’ is ultimately self-defeating and self-isolating because no one can actually keep up with us or live under the pressure of our demands.

The fourth level is Co-Creation Opportunities, where we accept our natural Beauty, Truth, and Goodness so we can be present with others without polarization. The cost of being denied on multiple levels simultaneously is Jealousy. Jealousy is the result of feeling that we have insufficient influence over another, which makes us appear vulnerable to losing them. The more our self-compromises have no influence over others’ behavior, the less power we believe we have in the situation. Usually this experience is stimulated when we feel more attached, positioned, and needy relative to them. This commonly occurs when one individual is growing and the jealous one is attempting to hold on or possess their partner using pleasure (sex), outer power (needs), and acceptance (common lessons) to reestablish their influence. Jealousy is a personality reaction that requires two or more areas of compromise (Beauty, Truth, Goodness) and can best be addressed by learning how to love our Creative Being. This requires us to be a detached observer of our own Thoughts, Feelings, and actions so we no longer get caught up in trying to use outer Beauty, subjective Truth, and idealized Goodness to attain our short-term goals. Instead, we need to be Beauty, Truth, and Goodness so we can attract those same qualities into our lives. Being embodied like this empowers us to meet others Co-Creatively so we do not need the outer embellishments of unconscious attractions. Instead we are free to be ourselves and to be loved for who we are. This lets us act in alignment with our higher creative nature and to fulfill those creative impulses that align us with Universal Intent.

Conscious Attractions (Wisdom, Aliveness, and Awareness) open the doors to authentic creative engagement. We no longer have to define ourselves in terms of our personality needs. This type of relationship, called Spiritual Partnership, indicates having reached a level of development where our Safety/Security and self-image no longer needs to control or drive us. Instead, it is our passion and transpersonal desire to contribute that fulfills our lives. The new question becomes how to define our selves in terms of our natural contributions. As we discover, this process not only awakens our Creativity, but when effective, also stimulates the Creativity of those around us. It is also important to recognize the value of another’s Authentic Expression so we can make informed choices about the experience of Creative Synergy in a non-Codependent world.

These four levels of attraction that reflect how we relate to others. As physical beings, we can be “objectified” by others or we can “objectify” them. This reflects the Instinctive attraction level where we envision ourselves being Sexy, Smart, and Reliable (or consistent).  On the Intellectual level we can be “subjectified” by how others think of us and we can “subjectify” another by what we think about them. The Intellectual level reflects the defensive attraction of being seen as Innocent, Strong, and Personally Autonomous, that is, able to express our independent Truth. As a feeling/emotional person, we can be “idealized” (placed on a pedestal), or we can idealize others by ignoring whatever does not fit our fantasy of them. This level reflects the Idealized attractions of Self Acceptance, Self Rejection, and connection through Personal Intimacy. The problem that arises is that our preconditions on the relationship actually prevent the intimacy and growth we seek. Finally, we can honor (Respect and Esteem) our self as Intuitive, Creative Beings where we are able to connect with others showing Mutual Respect and Esteem. These creative attractions are reflected in our capacity to embody aliveness, be wise and enthusiastic with each other.

We request that the reader examine their own past experiences of attraction in terms of these four levels so they can validate the power of the attraction-raising process. While it is useful to understand why we are attracted to others, it is more important to be able to uplift, neutralize, and release those attractions that no longer serve us. In this way, we create more freedom about our choices and can recognize the inherent limitations in our relationship circumstances caused by fears and desires. Each of these levels will reflect a different level of connection and involvement based on our past relationships. It is important to remember that we evolve in our attractions from the Instinctive level to the Intellectual, then Idealized, then Intuitive, but are sometimes unevenly focused because of differing priorities. Our embodiment in these attractions requires we understand and accept the lessons contained within each level. This means we can use this structure to free ourselves from unconscious attractions and heal those issues that have kept us from attracting creative partners.

Attractions Define the Level of Relationship demonstrates how unconscious attractions sabotage and limit our ability to move into conscious ways of interacting. This does not mean we have to be perfect on each level in order to create high-quality relationships. It does mean we must love and accept ourselves where we are rather than become attached to a particular ideal. The way we accomplish this is to be present with our own fears and desires without attempting to use them to force our partner to be the way we wish them to be. The more we can disconnect our desires from our partner’s, the more power we will recover in our ability to live in our creative nature. If we continue to believe that our partners can fulfill our fears and desires, it keeps diverting the creative energy we have to contribute in the world into attempts to fix each other. Our fears and desires can best be handled by allowing the Universe to provide what is needed and when, without being over-attached to this process. The key issue is to love our selves creatively so that the contributions we make bring to us those things that support our unfolding Life Expression. Our fears and desires are a natural part of our Life Expression. Instead of them being a dictator in our life, let us make them consultants so they can find their place.

We complete our lessons at this level by recognizing our inherent Goodness. All idealization begins with the premise that we are not good enough as we are. When we acknowledge our Goodness, we come to understand some of our “badness” is also good. The problem is letting go of judgments that divide us into compartments of what we can share vs. what we believe we need to hide. This is why, when we heal our Idealization, we no longer feel the need to compartmentalize our friends, or to separate our personal and/or business relationships. When we can accept ourselves as we are, then we no longer find ourselves caught in the Inequality Trap. Remember, the Inequality Trap reflects our identification with being superior, which is the result of our self-idealization. We shift our attractions by releasing any need to prove our Self better or good, so who we are can be whatever is naturally and authentically us.

Our primary lesson at this level is to be our selves, and to make this real by contributing effectively to others. This occurs despite others not understanding or knowing how to engage us. While optimally, a long term relationship partner would be able to support us as much as we support them, initially, we support them because it feels good to us. We need to recognize that the people who can see and meet us are the ones who provide us with great joyous opportunities to contribute. Our only focus is to keep developing ourselves to be as authentic as possible (with those we are around). It is better to invest in those individuals who can return our investment by building quality relationships. Of course, this requires not longing for those who are unconscious, unavailable, or unprepared for Spiritual Partnerships. In short, we need to honor our self-esteem, self-respect and self-loving nature.

When we no longer need our partner, it becomes possible to contribute to them. Making a choice to serve a partner is so much less entangled that we are often shocked at how others do things around us. When we are abundant, it becomes an act of service to be there for our partner. Some individuals even decide to put their partners first so they can experience greater joy and Creative fulfillment. Personality-motivated individuals need the structure of giving to get from others. This limits their ability to both give and receive, thereby minimizing their availability. Creative Attractions have no strings or complaints if their partner does not do something in a particular way. This is part of the Co-Measurement process where we give of ourselves where appropriate, when it is appropriate, and our partner does the same. This is because they are able to take responsibility for what they need without looking to someone else to do it for them.

We stay in relationships because of the possibility that eventually our desires will be fulfilled. When we operate with unconscious attractions, it is unlikely that our long-term desires will be fulfilled. Keeping the hope alive can be a full-time process when we select partners based on complementary fears. Since we hate dwelling on the ways we are actually connected, imagination and fantasy come into play. We idealize our partners to the degree we are unwilling to take responsibility for our own growth and development. On the Instinctive level, we are unconsciously driven to choose individuals with the same degree of fear. On the Intellectual level, we become semi-conscious about our needs, which we frame as a list of qualities that complement us and empower our long-term goals. On the Idealized level, we seek individuals who share common desires, yet are repulsed when we discover that our ways of implementing those desires are different. It is only on the Intuitive level that we accept our Creative Self fully, where fears and desires are no longer as important as the contributions we choose to make together. To the degree we are in internal conflict (or compromise) on each level, the less energy we have to contribute to the relationship, the more demanding we become. When we are lost in unconscious attractions we are not able to be our Creative Self, and instead of creating positive tension with others, we fixate on projecting negative tensions within us on others.

In Unconscious Attractions our fear of losing others naturally emerges. This requires we let go of self-criticism that lies beneath our covert superiority. As we expand our connection to Goodness within, we naturally attract individuals who honor their own innate Goodness. We will recognize this in our lives by how we attract people who no longer need to prove who they are. We also learn to enjoy rejection, as we increasingly see it, not as a rejection of who we are, but as a rejection of what we represent to them. It is good that we are no longer willing to keep people around to satisfy our unconscious attractions.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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