Status Quo Contract

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Level 2: Security Positions

Level 2: Security Positions

Our Personalities emerge in Status Quo Contracts. There are two parts to this. The positive side is that we express our Secondary Creative Expression, which drives us to actualize ourselves and put our careers on track. While this career framework is not our Authentic Life Expression, it is critical in seeing that we can make a difference in the world and be acknowledged for it. On the negative side, it indicates that we are adopting our Defensive expression more powerfully, meaning we are not taking on the fears of others. Some individuals would say that we are individuating ourselves by becoming more independent. From Higher Alignment’s perspective, we are affirming and reorganizing our Personality nature so that at a later time, it can defer to our Primary Creative Expression.

Our identification with incongruent thoughts and emotions cause inner conflicts. In other words, the more we identify with our ‘Truth’, the more we think our thoughts or emotions are who we really are. The duality on the Defensive level comes from either over-identifying with our Thoughts and denying our Emotions, or identifying with our Emotions and denying our Thoughts. Until we balance and integrate our Emotions and Thoughts, this duality makes all of our life decisions by default. We tend to choose partners with opposite patterns. Masculine polarized (Think-first) partners will choose feminine polarized (Feel-first) partners. This polarization is also affected by whether or not our Secondary Creative Expression is a masculine or feminine expression. Implementers, Orchestrators, and Investigators increase our masculine polarization. Inventors, Compassionates, and Visionaries increase our feminine polarization. Storytellers are balanced in masculine and feminine expression. All of these self-identified perspectives (that we personally affirm) become our default identity until we know more about ourselves.

Intensity is the key indicator that we are focused on Level 2 behaviors. We have somehow come to the misguided conclusion that more conflict indicates a commitment to resolve a problem. For some, Intensity indicates effort and something we are passionate about. In Higher Alignment, we discover that Intensity actually minimizes passion and substitutes a driven need for certainty rather than exploration. We can see this in the NFL (National Football League), where players, despite the dangers inherent in their sport, actually become addicted to the experience of Intensity in the game. We can also see this commitment to a personalized truth in the leadership of the NFL, because they are unable or unwilling to consider the dangers posed by the sport. This is documented in the movie ‘Concussion’ starring Will Smith. Illusion is a limited mental perspective that over amplifies alternative answers to obvious problems despite overwhelming evidence. In personal relationships, this shows up as a stubborn refusal to be open to what our partner says or needs. It also shows up as denial. Instead we become addicted to arguments to increase intensity so we can feel a false sense of power over our partner. Accentuating our personal power makes enduring the pain and conflict appear worth the tradeoff. This is why many individuals stay in unsatisfying Status Quo relationships for a long time.

We know we are overdue for a breakup when there is a discounting of each other’s values, perceptions and perspectives. The relationship becomes poisonous when actual contempt is expressed between partners. This is not just a challenging relationship (as some would like to suggest), but also a choice that drains the Life, Light and Love energy out of anyone. Many illnesses are the result of staying in creatively self-denied relationships. It is also harmful when our defenses amplify or repressed Sensations, Feelings, Emotions or Thoughts. Whenever we repress one aspect of ourselves, we compensate by over doing another. Over time these out of balance compensations become our standard patterns of connection, which means we are either denying our experience or distorting it to survive. Without creative flow we are defined by our outer defensive persona and possess no capacity to adapt or change. Most people do not realize how impactful and destructive this is. Kira Asatryan, a therapist at PsychCentral.com has a 4-step checklist for identifying when breakups are overdue.

This blindness results in Illusion, and eventually the Subjectification of others, where individuals cannot see or confront the whole picture (of being with their partner). This occurs because we commonly limit our experience of our Self by adopting Defenses. What we focus on is a small segment of our content identity where we seek to prove our particular understanding as the complete truth. In doing this we unconsciously amplify the stimulus of this small segment to counterbalance the fact that it is not our whole experience. Intensity narrows our perceptions and increases our need to be right. Intensity can also be based on linking stronger emotional connections to offset intellectual possibilities that we are not comfortable addressing. For example, in co-dependent relationships, our emotional connection can sometimes outweigh the intellectual harm we are experiencing with our partner. The New York Times offers an article on this process.

In the first three levels, Power is misunderstood. For most, Personality Power is defensive, based on the fear that others can negatively impact our future. While we would like to affirm ourselves, but as long as we see Power as an influence we use to scare people into doing the ‘right’ thing rather than an opportunity to engage them fully, we will not be successful. The choice is Power over versus Power with our partner. Otherwise, we get caught in a hierarchical duality system where we need to take direction from our superiors, no matter what they say. Commonly, when we believe we are ‘less’ than or that others have influence over us, we compromise ourselves to preserve the status quo. This usually is in the pursuit of greater security or outer success. What holds the negative framework together is Subjectification, which is the pursuit of Personality Power in order to experience greater control in our life. What most of us want is to be seen as a contributor, and most importantly not being shamed in front of others by people in a position of authority. Level 2 is usually hierarchal but can have multiple power centers, each with an area of jurisdiction. When we define ourselves in terms of power that can make us appear successful by association, our failures mostly seem based on a lack of information about the larger power structure. We endeavor to correct this.

Personality Power is based on the sharing of an already scarce resource, information. This is true because success is predicated on having more information, and sharing it only when there is a vested interest. This is best demonstrated in the formation of alliances and partnerships where information can be traded or sold to guarantee a profit. We come to believe that information is Power because we misinterpret the meaning of success. In this definition, success is implementing knowledge or strategy in a money-making or personal, egoic way. Power on a negative level is the ability to suppress others’ free choice so that they will do what we want. (In contrast, power on a positive level is something we share with others creatively, so that we are able to accomplish things together in a successful way.) By personalizing success, we are bound to the frameworks of society. This apparent stability is often thought of as success, but it actually undermines progress. What if our failures revealed new ways of accomplishing something? From this interpretation, our relationship failures have been successful because we were able to recover. What if we were willing to put aside what we thought we knew and chose a relationship that would be creatively responsive rather than defensive? Would it be worth examining our attraction structures and defenses?

In Level 2 we are obsessed about optimizing our own, inner well being. Sometimes this can take the form of narcissism. Narcissism is a personality disorder where an individual does not take into account the impact they have on others and instead only focuses on what they want. This type of behavior is an amplification of our defensive identity where we are hyper vigilant about any perceived slights or lack of attention being paid to us. In our defensive identity, we realize there are other people who may be hurt, but we choose not to feel their pain. With narcissism, we deny their pain and deny their reality. Narcissists only acknowledge their own reality, unable to hear about anyone else’s. Athena Staik, PhD provides a list of how to identify a narcissist, available here.

What if information was free and available about relationship choice patterns? What would it take to shift from insecurity to true security frameworks? In insecurity frameworks we glorify information while making it scarce and hard to trust. We need experts to interpret our experiences and insights. Most importantly we do not tell our own truth, which guarantees that we attract partners who cannot tell theirs. In this scenario, we need allies and friends to guide us because we do not know our own experience. Instead, we choose to believe that others are conspiring to keep things from us. Even if they are conspiring against us, it does not help to make others the constant subject of our attention. Doing so only increases others perceived power over us. We lose a part of our truth every time we let others define what we know. Our Autonomy is weak.

True security frameworks begin with our truth and acceptance that everyone has their own interpretation of their truth. Information is not considered fully objective in our mind unless it is our experience. Even subjective experiences can have objective elements when they deal with our Modalities. Instead of elevating information to the point that it is only to heal our doubts, could we not dispute the minor details and work out common understandings? If our information is not powerful, maybe the combination of objective and subjective experiences can unify in a way that increases the strength of our truth? The best way this can happen is to share our self (in a harmless way) so that the experiences of others can amplify our own truth. This is a voluntary choice and cannot be coerced from anyone. It requires trusting our self and others to be who they are. This precludes defensive individuals (who show only one side of themselves) from fully participating.

Defenses are counter-productive because they make both parties weaker, not stronger. What they do is develop greater distancing and denial as we learn how to isolate ourselves better from each other. Science has demonstrated that being generous and kind are the two greatest success factors for long-term relationships. For more information on this, see the article by Athena Staik, PhD on long lasting relationships. While this should be obvious, we grow up in a defensive society without much bonding and therefore, a lack of trust. Getting to know others frequently means adapting to them, rather than being with them. The more co-dependent we become the more trapped we are in managing our opposing needs. We cannot seem to find ways to work together, so we optimize our growth individually, at the cost of the relationship. This is one of the biggest relationship problems we currently have in the western world.

Defenses are the result of unsuccessful individuation. The reason we need Defenses is that we are not yet willing to accept our whole being. When we focus on our strengths and hide our weaknesses, it comes from a self-perception that we are Unwanted, Inadequate, Unlovable or some combination of these three. More importantly, we need to prove that we are worthy, by living up to the expectations of others. Being ashamed drives us to define ourselves in terms of others. We cannot even see that our Defenses create a fundamental imbalance within us that produces a pressure to perform, usually in ways that ultimately are unsuccessful. Sure, we could be outwardly successful, but the pressure does not go away until we accept ourselves as separate individuals with our own natural contribution and destiny. The more we shift from focusing on what we need to prove to being who we are, the more creatively powerful we become. When we affirm our natural skills and talents, we relax. This does not mean our lives are easy, but that we become more independent and self-actualized. CNG expands because we separate our issues from others. This shows up as being able to have a clear boundary between personal experience and the experience of others. This permits us to establish a separate relationship space by imagining it completely outside our personal energetic field.

Defenses seem to be a way to distinguish boundaries; but they actually have the opposite effect. What they do is entangle us in codependent interactions because we look to each other for affirmation. They also become a way to separate and isolate us from our partner. When our partner has an opposite Defense, we are constantly reminded that they do not see things the way we do. The value of Defenses is that they teach us about who we are not. Over time, we start realizing that most of our initial, defensive preconceptions were limited and narrow in their focus. This is caused by our own self-imposed desire to prove to others that we have strengths. What we do not realize is that in attempting to hide our weaknesses, we end up denying our true capacity leaving us with the need to justify why we use our Defense.

The more we define ourselves in terms of our Thoughts, the more trapped we are in Subjectification. Athena Staik, PhD acknowledges that if we do not go beyond our current thinking, our past thoughts will rule us. She particularly points out that we can either be victims by our thoughts, or be empowered by the vibrancy of our thinking. She recommends that we learn to relax and be present to our process so we can go beyond it. She speaks of compassion, acceptance and gratitude as elements to rebuild our thinking so we can be more self-generating and affirming. She acknowledges the power of emotions to make our thoughts supportive.

Until we manifest creative ways of connecting, we easily get compromised because our Fears, Desires and Needs get mixed up with others. If they want to push our buttons, they know our triggers, easily activating us. The more Defensive we are, the easier it is for others to control us. This is why we say that Defenses are illusions of Safety and Security that we constantly repeat and reinforce in our inner dialogue. When we eliminate our self-judgments, it opens the door to not judge others; therefore we are no longer Defensively interlocked. An opportunity is created for choices to be made rather than being locked into minimal Defensive options. We can then grow in a way that nurtures and supports us, rather than being driven by the pressures of living up to others’ beliefs. When we separate ourselves from the enmeshment of Defensive interactions we experience greater Solitude and Autonomy. We can then make choices based on our own nature and even say, “No” when something does not work for us. This can be a relief after living in a world of compromise where making excuses becomes the way we justify our choices.

Thoughts are electromagnetic fields that convey certain stimuli to the brain allowing us to sustain an ongoing awareness of our processes. The quality of thought depends on the type of thinking and our ability to focus ourselves. In Level 1, most of the thinking is an associative thinking process. In Level 2, we start discriminating between thoughts, leading us to deductive reasoning. At Level 3, we expand our ability to use our imagination. In Level 4, we seek to be inclusive by doing Unity thinking. Thoughts can be manipulated, managed, directed, and remembered by attaching Emotions to them. Meaning that our Emotions are necessary for our Thoughts to be strong. The more variety of Emotional experiences, the more open our thinking is. Thoughts are developed through concentration, meditation, contemplation, or conscious re-creation.

Emotions are the energetic clothing of Thoughts. While we think of Emotions as turbulent or peaceful, complex or connective, and internalized or externalized, they are in fact, amplifiers of Thoughts. Many times, our Emotions provide the framework for understanding complex issues. Without Emotions, we would have little capacity to fully discriminate between all the possible choices before us. Due to Emotions, we can reorganize our Thoughts to emphasize whatever we want. Problems arise when we are not conscious about what we are creating, resulting in the creation of something we do not appreciate. This is the main way we get stuck in fixed ways of operating. What we need to remember is that we are the authors of our own experience, and if we do not like the way our Thoughts are showing up, we can change them. Otherwise, we feel that we are at the effect of our circumstances, instead of using our Thoughts to create new possibilities.

Until we unify our Thoughts and Emotions, we do not know Wisdom. It takes the integration of Thoughts and Emotions to be able to discriminate and to go beyond our personal circumstances to see the larger possibilities. This occurs because when we unify Thoughts and Emotions, we create a foundation for our Truth. This Truth increases our confidence because we have done our due diligence about what our experience is and are no longer taking the experience of others as truth. This breaks us out of any ‘herd’ mentality type of experiences. It also differentiates us on Level 2 so that we can take responsibility for our own experience. Of course, until this occurs, we usually have chosen opposite defensive partners in order to compensate for our weaknesses. This means that if we are stronger in our Emotions (Disarming and Disnamic), we look for a person who is stronger in their Thinking (Distant and Dynamic Defense), without being aware of it.

When Emotions and Thoughts are unified, we are balanced in our knowing and no longer need to defend ourselves. This creates openness or an ability to look beyond defensive patterns, which we call Vibratory Response. Vibratory Response is intellectually stimulating when we are around people with similar interests and capacities. In other words, we see them as a companion who quickly understands what is going on and knows our language. Of course, this experience is greatly accelerated when we have the same Defenses and/or the same Communication Process. This creates an intellectual connection and a way to grow and bond at a level that enriches our lives. Some individuals think of Vibratory Response as being with a friend that you can trust.

Wisdom is inclusive, not exclusive. Outer Success thinking is about being clever and outsmarting others. It operates from a position of ambition and is therefore separative and seen as elite. This creates a need for leverage to power through adversity. It does not promote balance because it needs imbalance to pressure others. As a result, it uses tailored versions of the truth to convince others that their interests will be served. The problem is that the illusion of power has to do with knowing more than others to gain an advantage. Wisdom is about sharing our understanding without withholding anything. It creates accountability, which Outer Success people avoid. What we can trust is openness and transparency.

Truth is the perfect symmetry between our inner experience and our outer representation of it. The greater alignment we experience between what we say and what others understand, the more we are unified. Truth reveals who we are, what we see, and where we’re going. Self-deception, Defensive Distortions and secrecy all limit the experience of Truth. While Truth is fundamentally a personal experience, its expression is how we come to see each other. Any experience of being seen and accepted is greatly deepened by the expression of Truth. This occurs because even if we do not agree with another's conclusions, when the experience is shared, it makes an impact on us. Most of the time, it is our shared experiences that provide a framework for understanding. What we need to recognize is that we cannot hear others until we let go of our personal identification with the truth.

We can measure the quality of Truth by the Distortions or lack of Distortions that occur when we speak it. There are two dimensions that we can use to observe our tendencies to customize the truth for certain people. The first dimension is if our Fears or Desires compromise our expression. Do we get caught up in being afraid to say the truth, believing that others could reject us? Or are we indifferent to what others think, so we seek to manipulate their interpretation of our truth to benefit from it? We also can judge our truth in terms of whether it is attractive or repulsive. For many of us who react to repulsive thoughts as something we refuse to share, it can be disconcerting when others bring up these types of topics. Of course, there are the attractive thoughts, which are precursors to Idealization patterns on the next level. Many people like to be identified with certain thoughts, and therefore promote them in order to feel they are the first ones to understand a possibility, e.g. a person wanting to get credit for being the first one to promote an idea.

What this reveals is that we tend to build people up who we want to make an impact on and tear down people who threaten us or make us feel insecure. Until we can see the deeper issues of this, we will not be completely harmless. Being harmless means that we do not fall into the trap of trying to influence others or leverage them for our gain. This requires a level of consciousness and integrity that few actually possess. It is much easier to go with the prevailing ways that our friends and business associates talk, than to step outside that framework and speak with integrity. Gossip (when no one takes ownership of what they are saying personally) in a group is also an example of a lack of integrity. This is why we suggest making friends with people who are more conscious. It helps incredibly to be around individuals who are not interested in compromising others.

On Level 2, agreeing or disagreeing with the Thoughts and Emotions of others can compromise our Truth when we go along with others’ points of view. At the minimum, it creates a dissonance when we feel we cannot express our Truth, believing that others will attack it. Since these issues happen all the time, it seems easier to keep our opinions to ourselves. If we are willing to honor others’ Truth as presented, even if they are not harmless, shows that we have developed a strong sense of Autonomy. Sometimes being reactive to other people’s Truth, while it may have the right intentions, will not have the impact that we want because we will end up being perceived as weak or compromised. Learning when to speak up and holding ourselves accountable to being harmless are two major elements in developing stronger Autonomy skills.

We shed our fixation on polarities when we heal our Defenses. By releasing this snakeskin, we become unifying and inclusive rather than dissecting thinkers. Most importantly, our thoughts no longer need outer structure and agreement to be a legitimate perception. By letting go of proving ourselves, we become integrators and healers. Paradoxically, the depth and breadth of our thinking expands and we come to question previous assumptions. This rebuilding process supports us in accepting our new perceptions and insights by being more open and available. We uplift our thinking out of polarity ranking. By taking responsibility for our thinking, our speaking becomes more clear and unveiled. This is how we individuate ourselves.

To begin with, Defenses are how we learn to protect ourselves from others as we grow up. Each Defense pattern originates with our parents, but it requires us to assert a response about how we wish to interpret the circumstances. This means that we make assumptions about the degree to which we are masculine or feminine and how others respond to this expression goes into our choice. The thing to remember is that we build our Defense, which means that we can dismantle it when we wish. There is just no incentive to dismantle our Defense while we feel unsafe or insecure. While we may have a Defense, we need to remember that we are not our Defense. The more we understand Defenses, the less we will personalize the Defensive interactions we built and our past reactions. Self-forgiveness is the key.

There are five basic choices based on the degree to which we actualize both our masculine and feminine sides. Notice that we are saying that every individual has both a masculine and feminine side. We are not just our gender identity, but also a creative being with greater responsiveness and bandwidth. Only we can deny this bandwidth by limiting how we respond to either our masculine or feminine opportunities. If we were highly impacted as a child, we do not end up trying either our masculine or feminine side and therefore become more Distant in our Defense. If we respond to the masculine, but deny the feminine, we become more Dynamic. If we respond to the feminine, but deny the masculine, we become more Disarming. Of course there are those who switch between doing masculine and feminine responses, which we call Disnamic. Ultimately, we all want to be able to simultaneously respond in both masculine and feminine ways. This is called Pioneering, which is not technically a Defense, but an affirmation process.

Defenses not only impact our Attractions, they also tie us into co-dependent relationships. This means our desire for growth is undermined and we end up defining ourselves in terms of our partners. The key to healing our Defenses is to stop identifying ourselves with just a part of our creativity over the wholeness that we truly represent. Until we can do this, we are caught in our self-defined limitations and cannot go much beyond this level. Instead of thinking of ourselves as Defensive individuals, we need to see ourselves as creative beings with a Defensive style. This is the first step in getting some distance from the Defensive trap. Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization are all Defensive Distortions that operate on each of the levels. On this level, we will focus on how our identity gets trapped by our Thoughts and Emotions in Subjectification patterns.

The five main Defensive Patterns are:

• Distant Defense is about establishing a comfort zone for each individual we are around, depending on whether or not they accept us as we are. We seek safety by having predefined rules about how we engage each other. These usually end up being more elaborate than the Expectations Pretense. We use roles to define who is in charge of what. Sometimes couples are more traditional according to gender identity roles, and other times they are not. What we have in common is that we are sensitive to pre-worked out agreements about how we are going to deal with any particular type of problem. The real issues emerge when problems manifest that are not pre-worked out, which can happen frequently. We hate being judged, criticized, or told how or why we should do things in a particular way. This is considered an infringement on the agreement. While we do some Unconscious Merging in this Defense, we use the distance between us to keep our partners from using our energy indiscriminately. We also have a number of triggers that create reactions that we believe our partner should protect us from (if they love us). Our biggest fear is not being wanted. This keeps us from overly depending on our partners for fear that they will think of us as a drain to them.


• Dynamic Defense is about establishing clear boundaries so that others cannot easily take advantage of us. We see ourselves as strong in our Thoughts and actions, but consider our Feelings and Emotions liabilities. This makes us appear tougher to others, which we amplify by trying to impose our view of what is appropriate on any situation. We are usually more time-centered and only see ourselves as productive if we are moving things forward at a particular rate. We develop great task-management abilities. Over time, we develop our own tools so that we can be masterful and effective in implementing whatever we wish. Anyone that upsets us or slows us down is seen as an obstacle or even a threat. Our strength is our ability to master complex problems and come up with solutions that we can articulate so that others will do what we say. This brings a sense of relief and ultimately resentment from Disarming Defense style individuals, who are our opposite. Dynamics believe in a strong, outer perimeter to keep others from seeing our internal vulnerability. This vulnerability reflects our greatest fear, that we are not lovable. To anyone inside our boundaries, we are the ultimate mush ball. People outside our walls see us as tough, unrelenting, and unforgiving when things do not go well.


• Disarming Defense is about establishing a flexible inner truth that allows us to adjust our outer frameworks to meet others where they are. We see ourselves as fluid because we are strong in our Feelings and Emotions and sometimes perceived as weaker in our Thoughts and actions. This makes us appear more amenable and open to others and we develop extraordinary relationship abilities with all types of individuals. We evoke possibilities, suggest multiple options, and generally upset the common perceptions so that new ways of doing things can be implemented. Some people hate the chaos we bring to a situation and instead try to minimize its impact. This is particularly true for Dynamic Defense style individuals, who are our opposite. We are often optimistic and enthusiastic about things that have never been done. We are more people-oriented and recognize when something needs to be different to make it work. We enjoy mysteries and see the world as full of possibilities. The challenge here is that we may not focus ourselves in linear, sequential ways and therefore fear that others will perceive us as inadequate. Our fear is that we will be seen as not good enough. Our Defense Style is a more of a guerilla warfare approach, which is mostly misdirection, with no central headquarters in charge. This makes it hard for others to know how to hurt us and we are great at hiding when we are hurt. Individuals around us do not necessarily know what we are committed to, which makes it difficult to evaluate our success.


• Disnamic Defense is about finding the right balance with others so we are not at the effect of them as much as we would be otherwise. This means when others are strong, we want to be soft, but calm. If others are soft, we want to strong, but more direct. This Defense pattern is a mixture of masculine and feminine responses, guaranteed to bring out a complementary or opposite perspective viewpoint. The goal of this Defense is to reflect what the other person is denying back to them. It is hoped that this will make them able to see the entire picture. Of course, being a Defense, it seldom works out this way. One of the big challenges is that because Security is Safety through time, we go back and forth between time-centered processes and personal perspectives of our needs. Our needs drive our Safety issues and our Time-centered processes help fulfill our Security needs. The problem occurs when we need both. There is not an easy way to have both of these perspectives because the Defense is not designed that way. The best way out of the Defense is to go straight to Pioneering, which happens to be possible because it is more balanced than the other Defenses. The way we accomplish this is to meet others where they are so that they expand to include both Safety and Security perspectives. This means that if a person comes on soft to us, we need to meet them in their softness, recognizing that they want to talk about their needs. This would allow them to evolve from their needs into their long-term needs, which is about Security, by talking about the strength they need to implement their long-term solutions. If a person comes on strong, we need to meet them in that place, so that they may eventually realize that they are vulnerable and can then meet us on a deeper level. The goal of all Disnamic behavior, when we are unconscious, is to polarize a way to get distance from the situation. We need to turn this into engagement where others are at so that there is a greater blending and unification. From there, Disnamic individuals can go straight into Pioneering. Another aspect of our Defense pattern is that we are more sensitive to Idealization issues, because at its core it contains more Anxiety.  We will explore Idealization on the next level.


• Pioneering Defense is when we embody both our masculine and feminine expressions and can respond to others without reactions. When we shift into Pioneering, it first of all means that we are accepting our natural creative energy and realizing that we do longer need to use creative energy to defend ourselves. Instead, our creative energy can be used for self-expression. The other major lesson we learn is that the more we carry around our history, the more unbalanced and fearful we are, attracting most of the problems we experience in our life. We need to start asking ourselves, Who would we be without these problems? By neutralizing our Defense patterns, we heal our fears and open up an enormous amount of time in our lives to focus on the positive. We also begin to see how everything actually is in balance. It has been our preoccupation with certain truths and perspectives that has kept us out of balance. Things that we learned in our past to protect ourselves may not have a future when they keep us fixated in the past. What being Pioneering actually means is being able to see all the options. When we are caught in other Defenses, we only see a small subset of solutions that match that Defense. We keep trying to do more to get the result, only to find that it gets us deeper into trouble. When we are Pioneers, we actually find the right solution for every problem that does not accentuate the problem. This allows us to ‘right size’ our solutions. This means having the right level of response to produce exactly what is needed.

A Defensive Façade may cover up each Defense, which is how we hide the Defense from our parents if it will not be acceptable to them. The problem with Facades is that if we start believing in the Façade, it cuts us off from being able to see the Defense, creating another layer of separation between our image of ourselves and our creative expression in the world. This is why we suggest that one of the priorities we place on Defensive healing pays off, not just in awakening us to our deeper truth and creativity, but also in rebalancing us so that our natural expressions are empowered. Otherwise, the Defenses distract us from what is truly important in being who we are in our lives. This is the legacy of believing in our Defenses. 

Defensive Power Struggles

There are many ways we limit ourselves and get into power struggles that have no end. It starts with believing that we need to prove ourselves to others to gain their esteem. The more we identify with our Thoughts and/or Emotions, believing them to be who we are, the less spacious we are as observers of our own process. Our identification with pre-set defensive beliefs provides a shortcut where we do not need to think for ourselves. We become Safety and Security oriented, as our reactive-ness increasingly dominates our interactions. This lack of distance from our reactive Thought processes means we do not see our Self in perspective. We often lack depth in our understanding. The self-denial of our Emotions or Thoughts reinforces our feeling of incompleteness and insecurity. While we may not be exactly clear about what this means, it shifts us into discussions about what our Truth is. We become overly concerned about what those close to us believe. When we are compromised by our Defenses, we only see partial points of view, which we then decide are the complete Truth.

The main indicator that we are caught in an identity struggle preventing individualization is endless arguments. The more we are locked into defensive perspectives (masculine, feminine, or role-playing) the less we can see our Truth. This creates insecurity, where we become fixated on proving how right we are. We then see differences in others as threats to our ability to be effective, because we need agreement. We typically view support from our partner as suspicious, tending to believe they are seeking to get what they want at the cost of what we want. This leads to arguments where both partners try to wear each other down, believing tenacity to be the answer. We do not possess the ability to navigate these differences and move through them without conflict. The desire for quick, independent action is overwhelmed by the requirement to deal with unanticipated complexity. We also lack confidence because of the unknown aspects of outcomes when mutuality is necessary. This encourages co-dependent interactions because they are known. A final indicator is the obvious pride we display when we learn how to adapt to our partner’s differences. What we do not see is that our solution (to establish independent decision-making domains and areas of personal responsibility) only leads to greater co-dependence.

There is a huge difference between doing and being right and needing to prove ourselves right. If we want to make an improvement and are open to suggestions, being or doing right is actually just following our heart’s knowing. This kind of thinking is open, deep and appreciates engagement with others. This means does not contain any form of Subjectification. On the other hand, if we need to prove ourselves right, it is a personal position that only feels right because it attempts to offset our own Fears and Desires. The Fears and Desires of others are often triggered when we take any position that does not match their defensive perspective. Telling our truth ‘from a position’ is highly localized and has no depth or breadth, and is therefore the worst type of Subjectification we can engage in. When we project our partial custom truth on others, falsely believing this will solve the problem at hand, it will provoke defensive actions. We can validate this communication when on the receiving end we are flabbergasted, shocked or unable to respond to someone’s request. The result is a standoff where the person proving they are right becomes increasingly frustrated and believes the person they are talking to must be stupid. The real problem is that we are thinking in a defensive manner, when the solution is to be more inclusive.

Some people falsely believe that arguments are normal and the anger they express is crucial to the process of making up sexually. However, this type of polarization based on Intensity is a straightjacket, with each partner ending up attempting to control the relationships in order to minimize personal insecurities. The more a partner compromises their Truth, the less comfortable they are to speak about it. Over time, the structure (and rigidity) of the relationship overwhelms the joy in it, building contempt. For example, if we choose someone with an opposite Defense, it may initially feel more secure, but over time, when we are not seen and accepted by our partner in a crucial way, trust becomes eroded, which causes more antagonism. CNG becomes a way to neutralize adversity. One of the biggest problems at this level of relationship is the constant battle between taking care of our Self and taking care of our partner. Until we begin to understand the imbalance from both perspectives, remediation is impossible.

The goal is to balance our Emotions and Thoughts so our Truth can be experienced. Otherwise, imbalances within us attract others with complementary imbalances. Defensive differences become the way we choose partners in the well-known model of  ‘opposites attract’. The benefit of operating on this level is we begin to appreciate that our choices have consequences. The challenge now is that our security is the key need. Security is Safety through Time. Having a partner we ‘need’ brings about co-dependence, which becomes increasingly apparent. Co-dependence is also difficult because the very reasons the relationship makes us feel more secure are the same things that make it difficult to be seen and accepted by our partner. When we are able to communicate this process to others, we can be a cohesive voice of great power. This teaches us the difference between Power as an externalized force and Power as an integrated and unified expression.

Defensive healing is a paradoxical process. On one hand, we typically feel incomplete because we have not been fully seen or honored in the ways we desired. Meaning that our attempts to wake up others have resulted in being hurt a lot more than we would wish to acknowledge. On the other hand, we keep believing that if we just got better at our defenses, we would have more leverage and clarity to get things right. The problem is that we are not confronting the deeper truth of our circumstances. One truth is that we have been hurt, not seen and not appreciated when we have made many attempts to connect. Under this truth is a lot of anger and unwillingness to put ourselves back into this position. Another truth is that we do not like being isolated and lonely. Underneath this is a desire to try to accommodate or superficially embrace others so that we get some of our needs met. We typically feel compromised because there seems to be no answer for this dilemma.

As long as we do not take on a third, independent position, such as acknowledging our Creative Nature, we are caught in the paradox of these two sides. By embracing our Creative Nature, we begin to notice that it is our creative presence, not what we do, that attracts people to us. We could ask, “What creativity within us naturally provides us Pleasure, Power and Passion?” This is quite distinct from what we do Defensively, which is to believe these experiences are scarce and are not readily available to us. In other words, our Personality is anchored by our Thoughts, Emotions, Feelings and Sensations, which are all lower level identifications with our experience that have little or no larger creative context. Many of these experiences are not interlinked with each other and do not add to the awareness of what is happening in the moment. In effect, we are paying attention to the superficial aspects of our nature, believing that they are all we are. Until we can separate our Personality from our Creative Nature, we cannot appropriately identify the cause of our Defensive pain. This is because we do not have any part that is not in pain. When we are Defensive, there is only pain. This is why life is a struggle, why relationships are always considered work, and why we always believe that we have to compromise. Almost all of the pain that we experience comes from Personality identifications, whether there is isolation or loneliness.

Of course, we frequently make up stories that justify the choices we make and intensify the pain we experience. Here we are seeking the power to get out of our pain. The true way of doing this is to acknowledge our Creative Nature and give room for its growth and development. When we do this, we are no longer constrained by the limitations of our Defenses, allowing us to make new choices. If we do not do this, we keep repeating the patterns of our past and live with the pain. Unfortunately, the quickest way out of our pain is to embrace it as it is. We cannot avoid pain because this would reinforce our Defensive patterns. We recommend that you create a space around your heart, which can represent your creativity, allowing you to unpeel the layers of pain from the past so you can eventually create a space of no pain. One way of imagining this is by either burning away the superficiality of our defensive entanglements, and then imagining expanding the space slightly so that the energy that we have tied up in those experiences can be freed.

Establishing a separate CNG space is the first step in learning to manage boundaries in our relationships. When we have established a separate space outside of our personal space, it allows us to keep our personal issues separate from relationship issues. It also helps us to distinguish when we are reacting to things within ourselves versus when we are reacting to others. This means we can own our issues and be responsible for them in an appropriate way. It also helps to establish when we need time for ourselves and when we want time in relationship. Some individuals actually place the CNG farther away or even imagine that it is farther away (when they need more personal room) to do their own processing. At other times, when we want to feel connected, we can bring it closer to our personal boundaries. Metaphorically, having this separate space gives us a way to modify our perception of interactions with others. We can imagine we are using our soft, inner voice reflecting our personal space, or are using a strong voice when we feel others are infringing upon our options or possibilities. We could make the CNG relationship space smaller or larger to reflect our mood. When we have partners that sense these differences, they know exactly how to treat us. The key behind all of this is that CNG is actually an energetic practice; as we become more proficient, we discover more ways to communicate with others.

What we want to accomplish with this practice is to avoid feeling pressured into making defensive choices. No matter our Defense Style, we tend to invade the space of others when we feel upset, and withdraw when we feel overwhelmed. The more we can calibrate to our partner, the less we act out these automatic venting mechanisms and learn new coping skills. This leads to recognizing that our partner could be sensitive and available to support us (if we request it). When we are caught in a defensive pattern, we make ourselves unavailable to our partner, because we are caught in our personal reactions. Even if our partner is present to us, we are not able to utilize their support if we are defensively engaged. We want to learn how to breathe and simply express our experience so any pressure is completely released. This is one of the most valuable consciousness support capabilities our partner can provide. To not engage a partner when in crisis only creates more isolation and less trust in them.

Autonomy, on a personal level, is being able to tell our truth harmlessly, under adverse circumstances. The more clear we are about what we think, what our priorities are and what does not work will lead us to make better choices to affirm and sustain our autonomous nature. We develop Personal Autonomy by being able to stand up for ourselves, while not worrying about what others think. For many of us, this type of Autonomy means going against what others want us to do. This ability becomes a strength, a Skill and an Attraction that others tend to admire. While it does not take ownership of our Creative Nature and how we may interact with others, it is a large personal achievement, knowing what we want and able to implement it. The more we develop a reputation for being able to act independently the more obvious it is when we adapt to others as we see its personal value. This united self-interest is the basis of our existing social structure. Personal Autonomy is mostly compromised when we cannot resolve or differentiate between our needs and our social structure. While we do not want to become a threat, causing others to be angry or reject us, growing in our Personal Autonomy means that we have to find more ways to contribute in order to avoid feeling obligated to compromise.

Autonomy on a transpersonal level is when we put the greater Common Good in front of our personal self-interest. What we seek is to evaluate not only how our choices will work for us, but how they will also work for others. This requires that we see beyond our personal needs and take more responsibility for the world we wish to create, rather than to just accept the world as it is. With transpersonal Autonomy we make choices that serve us, and others. Over time, we grow in our capacity to be aligned with others, particularly within the larger, important issues. This means being able, where possible to increasingly coordinate our actions in alignment with others, maximizing the benefits of our choices. By stretching ourselves to unify with others we continue to build our transpersonal Autonomy. The tradeoff becomes choosing the most inclusive option that we can maintain without compromising our Personal Autonomy.  This is why transpersonal Autonomy is always built on great Personal Autonomy. When we can bring these options together, we discover the power of operating in Unity with others toward common goals. The more we know about others, including their needs, desires and aspirations, the easier it is to make a difference by making choices that include their interests as well. We want to make contributions that will sustainably serve both ourselves and others.

When we are fully free to be autonomous, our communications become more embodied. The paradox is that when others come to know and trust us, they can give up a lot of their defensiveness, in order to work together. This ability to get to the heart of the matter inspires partners to do the same, recognizing that whatever we are saying is not intended to hurt them. This allows us to be open and free in our communication process so that we can act immediately from a sense of mutually knowing how to honor each other. By looking beyond our needs, we can see the larger opportunities. These can be viewed from the perspective of who would be in alignment with us. The more this occurs in a CNG, the easier it is to experience the ‘we’ that this document refers to. Instead of the royal ‘We’, it can be the ‘we’ of equals, determined to express ourselves, while simultaneously respecting and esteeming our partner’s point of view. This whole document is being written from the place of shared discovery and exploration. It is meant to be a stimulus allowing us to think together rather than to use information to take a Position about what is better or worse. The main change we are making in the New Age is building inter-group reflections and synthesis as we bring ever-larger groups together.

Transpersonal alignment is built on the personal Attractions of others that become centers for larger Attractions being formed. The more we can share ourselves fully, the more others can appreciate our ideas and wisdom, which become the nucleus that attracts individuals who will share common principles, interests and agreement about what is important in the world. If we cannot trust people to tell their Truth, this type of creative endeavor will not be possible. If people are trapped in their concerns about what others will think, they are not ready for this part of the conversation. Bringing together personal and transpersonal Autonomy is not easy. It takes courage to look for solutions or perspectives that do not seem comfortable or obvious. Many of us need to be able to look at opportunities from the perspective of others. This helps us move from a personal Content perspective to expanding our transpersonal Context. The more we stick to our own points of view and get locked into them, the less likely we will integrate autonomy in a way that reflects our ability to contribute in the world.

What we are seeking is a form of autonomous expression that supports our truth and contribution in a way that can be fully received. This requires attracting partners with some degree of alignment. Otherwise, we will have nothing to build on and it will be difficult to manifest the Creative Flow necessary for expansion. Autonomy is therefore a very powerful Attraction, which helps us make a transition from a personal to a transpersonal point of view. Without Autonomy there would be no Vibratory Expansion and people would not be magnetically drawn to us. The irony is that our Defense Styles, while promising to protect us, actually separates us from the power of our own Truth. Our vibration is released world when we stop being defensive. This only occurs if we are willing to speak our truth. This does not mean that we should be indiscriminate in the expression of our truth. Whenever we are in reaction, it is best to talk with others who have a CNG and will not take on or amplify our existing reactions. Unless we are energetically present, and not reactive, our Attractions will be minimal and have a limited impact on our life. Otherwise, we will be caught up in the Attractions of others, needing to define ourselves in terms of them. This is Anti-Autonomy at its best.

The more we manifest our Autonomy, the more Creative Flow and momentum we will have in creating the things we want in our life. Meeting others where they are, so we can experience each other in terms of Attractions, allows us to generate more possibilities together, than independently. It becomes clear that we need partners who can appreciate our motivations, goals and aspirations. Autonomy not only defines what works, but it helps us to grow our ability to operate in alignment with others, because we are then able to trust each other. The risk, of course, is that others might abandon or betray us. Individuals with great autonomy put themselves out as far as they can, without threatening their own survival, so they can benefit from the power that is generated from these types of relationships. They are willing to talk about the risks, and will only risk what they are willing to lose so they never become resentful if the relationship does not produce a mutually beneficial outcome. Any compromise is experienced by their partners and will become an obstacle to further growth if not addressed. This means Autonomy is only growing if we are willing to take risks. The outcomes of our truth-sharing process will benefit us as long as we continue to work for a larger, common purpose. Even if we break up, we can then support each other following the same purpose in other ways. Meaning that we are not being betrayed, and we do not have to take it personally, as we are now focusing on a larger value. For some, trust may be the most important, long-term possibility that is developed. This trust allows us to create relationships that are easier in the future.

While our inner process is the most important in developing Autonomy, we also need to pay attention to the Thoughts and Emotions of those around us. This means being willing to experience commonalities and differences in order to recognize what reflects our choices in the moment. Being able to distinguish and honor the Truth of others, so it is not diminished relative to our own, is a key indicator that we have reached a higher level of Autonomy. The highest level of Autonomy is when we sponsor possibilities that others can also adopt, creating an environment of agreement. Of course, Autonomy cannot be maintained if we are compromising ourselves in any major way to facilitate an agreement.

The more we believe in our Defenses, the more difficult it is to accept the lack of Defenses in others. This difference becomes more apparent when someone who is operating in CNG does not argue with us. Instead they focus on trying to ascertain our concerns and perspectives. What a person in a CNG is doing is focusing on what would work to create mutual options; they are not focusing on projecting their Position on others. What this indicates is that those who operate in a CNG do not commonly define themselves in terms of behaviors, emotions or thoughts. They recognize that they have these experiences, but do not define themselves in terms of them. This scares us, because it awakens our awareness to the possibility there may be more to us than previously seen. This difference is between the Personality framework (that needs Attachments and Positions to define itself) and someone who is operating in their Creative Nature (without the need for Safety and Security structures). The problem is that there is no way to compete with this awareness besides becoming more aware. This is the basis for shifting to a new way of knowing that transforms our Defenses.

Shifting out of two-dimensional views of the world (where we stop competing) requires that we view Truth differently. It starts with accepting the possibility that the Truth of others can be just as valid as our own. It opens up the reality that cooperation encourages greater unity and mutual gain, while competition is a zero sum game, where everyone loses. Why do we ignore the obvious cost of not creating common solutions, even if it is a compromise? What we sometimes call a compromise, could be a legitimate, third option that optimizes things beyond a two-dimensional framework.  It is our shortsightedness, which takes us back into our historical perspectives, falsely believing that they represent our best future. The answer to why we are stuck in our past is our Attachments, Positions and Idealizations. The angst we experience is how our personality identity is tied together by our Beliefs in separation. This means it is the belief that we need to avoid pain that convolutes our situation, making us believe that there is no way out. This shows the success of the Defense system because, once you give up, it is in charge.

We overcome both independence and co-dependence by seeing that we need both to transform our defensiveness. We need independence, by recognizing that we are separate from others. We must recognize that co-dependence is an out-of-balance reaction to our Desire to work with others. This means that we only know our Truth in terms of defensive reactions. Most importantly, we have no creative future. When we are not in balance between these two, we are lost in our Defense. When we embrace our separativeness, we no longer fear being alone. When we embrace our togetherness (without over-reacting or trying to make the other person need us), we can experience the value of co-operation. Competition on either of these dimensions means that we are still not present and balanced in ourselves.  When we find the acceptance of each of these so that we are no longer attached, the result is a blossoming of our creativity.

To release ourselves from our Defenses we need to discover our complete Truth, which includes our Emotions and Thoughts, and our ability to be with Truth without any attachment to it. This would mean that our need for something does not truncate our ability to see what is actually happening around us. As long as we are fixated on a preconception of our Truth, we prevent the current experience from informing us about what is changing moment to moment. The more we fixate on it, the more we become defined by it.  Truth is a matter of inclusivity and flexibility. As we heal and unify our Feelings and Emotions, we become more relaxed, joyful and able to put everything in perspective. It is critical that we do not get focused on our preconceptions about something; we do this by making the effort to be open to examining the larger possibilities. This means we need to learn to be non-positional and not assume a position just because it makes it easier for us to define our lives. Most importantly, we need to open ourselves to the possibility that our Truth is always changing, as is the universe around us.

Artificial distancing is the most obvious way we demonstrate our defensiveness. We get attached to contraction, by caretaking and controlling others as a way of preserving the illusion that we are not hurt or scared. These are default frameworks used to placate others, falsely believing that we are doing them a favor. We seek to prove that we can be independent by not appearing to need others. We believe that we need to have clarity and the confidence that what we know is applicable to every situation we find ourselves in. This creates a false impression that we need to be certain in order to keep others from questioning our perspective. To release our Defenses, we need to realize that true Strength is the result of being open to creating new solutions in the moment, and that being curious and inquisitive is an asset and not a liability. Being vulnerable creates its own form of strength because it indicates we are not caught up in our personality’s perception of our self.

The more focused we are on fixing others, the more creatively repressed we are. CNG provides us the opportunity to safely share both who we are and how we have denied ourselves. CNG allows us to metaphorically end our isolation and eliminates the fear that we will not be accepted. Most importantly, it supports us in being present in our Truth so that we no longer need to distract ourselves by attempting to fix others. When we give up trying to fix others, they are able to feel safer when sharing their truth about their creative challenges. We are required to unilaterally disarm and demonstrate our capacity to trust the process without any reassurance that things will go well. It is ironic that we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to see how powerful we actually are. This experience is facilitated by a CNG because it provides an optimum framework in which our partners can respond with effectiveness to our vulnerability.

Now, all that is in the way are our compromised, personal Beliefs that have become encrusted Positions about ‘how life is’. This is called a Subjectification pattern, where we always need to be right. It leaves us on the ground (unaware of our Beauty and wings) unable to access the flight controls of our vehicle (from Level 1). This dissonance minimizes our ability to use Attractions or Skills to transform our situation. As long as we are positional and arguing for our limitations without listening to others, we cannot accept our complete Truth. We need others to reflect and replicate our truth. When we Subjectify others, we are looking for them to mirror our understanding; our partners usually feel their Truth has no value or purpose in this reflection. This misunderstanding perpetuates conflicts as layers of possibilities go unrecognized. Subjectification compounds this process by increasing the number of denied and discounted layers so that we eventually cannot recognize our actual experience. Instead, it becomes the norm that others need to tell us what to do. This pattern gets reinforced in various business situations until we challenge it. The indications that we are caught in defensiveness are Intensity and a desire to compete. We need to be right at all costs.

Defenses internally unbalance us because here we separate our strengths from our perceived weakness so that we can deny personal limitations. This fragmentation is the source of our fear of abandonment, because we separate our ‘good’ side from our supposed ‘bad’ side. By making this internal judgment, it opens the door to rationalizing that we could and should judge others. As we cut ourselves off from the pain of abandoning our Self, it also prevents us from feeling the pain others experience when we judge them. For Dynamic Defense style-individuals, all that is left of this pain is irritation when others do not agree with their ways of improving things. For Disarming Defense Style individuals, the pain is represented by a sense of doubt about the available choices. Distant Defense Style individuals are the most able to screen out their defensive pain, but it leaves them with a sense of emptiness and lack of substance.

This imbalance is further amplified by focusing only on our strengths. For Dynamic Defense Styles, this means focusing on task management, scheduling, sequencing activities and getting the job done. What they avoid is getting enmeshed in unproductive conversations that delay the implementation of a solution. For Disarming Defense Styles, it means building a connection with others so they can discuss what is needed to individually address the issues. This permits Disarming individuals to feel supported by others so they know their work effort will be appreciated. Distant Defense Style individuals try to keep others at bay, but not too far away. Their challenge is getting agreements before taking action, as well as knowing what to do independent of others.

Each Defense Style is attracted to its opposite in order to create a co-dependent relationship. This means Dynamic individuals seek out Disarming Defense Style individuals, and Distant provider types seek out Distant nurturing types. The irony of this process is that by using Defense Style attractions to choose a partner, we actually create the greatest frustration and resentment possible. This is because when we choose opposite Defense partners, we each take ownership of only a part of ourselves and choose those who attempt to complete us (which limits long-term growth). We become territorial because we seek to use our strengths to offset our weaknesses, which further emphasizes the imbalance of the relationship. By choosing partners who seek to minimize in-roads into healing our weaknesses, it threatens the Security of the relationship, and we find ourselves in a catch-22 situation. We want to grow, but growth at this level is often interpreted by our partner that we are preparing to leave them.

To create a sense of Security, many individuals choose opposite attraction Defenses and other Compatibility Factors. This follows the model of finding people to provide what we cannot easily provide for ourselves. What people do not know is that if we choose partners with the same masculine or feminine polarity, we will naturally balance ourselves out. The other major benefit of choosing individuals with the same Defenses is that they will understand us and we cannot hide our experience from them. They will see through any distortion, deletion or deception. It should be noted that the more masculine or feminine alignment we have between our Defense and our Secondary Creative Expression, the more we experience power as something to get, rather than something that affirms us. We commonly think of these extremes as either Heroes or Heroines, reflecting the notion that we need to lead others to the right answers. We can be extremely powerful in either our masculine or feminine reality, equally. The individuals caught in the middle have the most difficulties with having power over others.

In the following diagram, the Creative Manifestation Process shows how we can move from a fragmented state into a complete, embodied state. We see that Imprinting, Pretenses and Defenses cut us off from Unity Thinking, which produces an over-reliance on fragmented Experiential Modalities, which then pushes our defensive identity into overdrive. In order to overcome this disconnection with ourselves, we adopt greater Objectification and Subjectification patterns. This bottom-up model is an attempt to adjust to each problem as it occurs, which requires us to constantly upgrade our entire framework of knowing for each step taken. This is confusing and inefficient. On each level there is always a new duality that will change our perception. For example, a defensive identity is a false identity that can trap us in a Subjectification program where we are later completely blind-sided by the emergence of Idealization issues. Then, when we define ourselves in terms of Idealization, we are blind-sided when we realize we want to be more creatively authentic. This is how the bottom-up model is completely inefficient: we would do much better focusing on our Creative Nature while we keep uncovering and manifesting our Authentic Life Expression. All the distortions would disappear naturally if we kept focused on our Creative Being. These distortions require constant energetic investment. This is the top-down model, which Higher Alignment recommends. Unfortunately, since many of us choose to learn incrementally, we do not trust our Creative Being, and we use the more difficult bottom-up model. The top-down model would take a third of the developmental time of the bottom-up model.

Subjectification keeps us from being receptive to new experiences and receiving feedback from the Universe. Our isolation (cut off from our Creative Self or Unity Thinking) and insulation (cut off from the lessons of the universe or Universal Intent) guarantees that we falsely believe that we have no support and (ironically) confirms that our defensive identity must be accurate (when we receive no support). What we do not realize is that Defenses attract attack because of the Fear and imbalance they represent. The Universe always supports or accommodates us by providing opportunities to recognize the fears we are holding onto. The Defense itself guarantees Self-denial and perceived separation. We end up attracting individuals who are not available.

The Creative Manifestation diagram demonstrates how a top-down model would naturally work. If we step into our Creative Being and express ourselves through our Experimental Modalities, over time the Defensive Distortions will be minimized, allowing us to manifest ourselves authentically. The problems arise when we first do not focus on our Creative Nature or have distortions in our Creative Modalities, which end up amplifying Idealization, Subjectification, and Objectification. This creates a false defensive persona that is not true. The purpose of this diagram is to demonstrate how there is a level of interpretation that can be upset by how we respond to our environment, what we choose to make important, and what we choose to ignore. If we operate in a piece-meal way, our life will be erratic, random, and unpredictable. If we choose to pay attention to our Creative Energy, and we can express ourselves in harmony with our true nature, the Universe will support us.

As we come to own our experience, we move into greater balance. This reduces the pressure to act out our Defenses, which produces greater transparency. This opens us up to our Creative Nature as we transfer from reactions to responses. The more we act in alignment with our Creative Being, the more we attract aligned partners, building better possibilities. These will only work if we neutralize (make transparent) our defensive identify. If we step into our Creative Nature, we can own our experience of our Modalities, opening us up to Universal Intent. Seeing each other on a creative level begins at Level 3, but it also depends on the size of our Context, because we need to be able to experience the overlapping fields in the CNG. When we explore how our Authentic Creative Expression is received and how we calibrate to the responses, we improve our contribution and effectiveness. It teaches us about Universal Intent. Eventually, when we take ownership of our experiences, we can learn what the Universe seeks through our interactions.

Whatever we deny or repress in ourselves unconsciously becomes what we look for in others (thinking it will complete us). While these imbalances (between partners) initially seem to make us feel more secure (we each provide part of the whole), over time they isolate us and create friction. When we are with partners who are not complementary (of opposite polarities), creative dissonance results. This is actually a creative opportunity but, instead, we experience it as a threat. When we do not know how to integrate the dissonance into our lives, it is because we do not see ourselves capable of changing our own polarity. Since it is all energy, we can make whatever we wish harmonic with us. The primary issue it to know what is truly working for us at any level and not worry about enforcing fixed perspectives. We can see many examples of this as we empower an opposite-attraction model, such as Disarming Defense Style individuals being attracted to Dynamic Defense Style individuals. What is learned in this kind of relationship is who we are not, rather than who we are. The differences set us up to sabotage our partner’s growth when the growth threatens our personal security. This is all a matter of perspective. If we develop a greater transpersonal context, none of this will matter because we will have the space to transform any conflicts.

Typically, when we identify with a Defense, we lock ourselves into a certain way of thinking about our circumstances and ourselves. When we become indifferent to our partner, we either hide our indifference or flamboyantly flaunt it to make it possible to do what we want, when we want to do it. This is the theme of Imprinting, Pretenses and Defense Styles where we either overdo or underdo our activities to keep others off balance and provide us with greater room to express our Self. While we do this to protect ourselves, it creates greater distance as others learn not to trust us. The eventual cost is that when we try to expose the limitations of our partners to others (to sabotage), it shames them, making their weaknesses more prominent.

Due to our own uncertainty, we are driven to appear more certain. This pushes us to be Performers, where we are always comparing and contrasting what we think we should be versus the activities we do. This creates duality within us when circumstances do not work out the way we imagined. This drives us to always think about what we ‘could do’ to make things better. Some individuals think we are stuck in our heads because we are always analyzing, trying to figure out the best way to accomplish what we want. This separation between what we do and what we think we could do, is made more complex because we are always searching for ideas that would allow us to do things better than others. This makes us extremely externally focused; we do not spend time on our internal development and integration.

The problem is that we have become identified with our Defensive beliefs. Defensive beliefs anchor us in fears of scarcity and emphasize that we need to use others to get what we want. This perception naturally occurs because there is always someone who has something we do not have. When we build our identity around possessions or perceived economic success (our car, house, profession or business), we Subjectify ourselves as an asset to be managed. Our view about our value makes us oblivious to the truthful perceptions of others because our perspective becomes the only thing that is important. We only choose partners who will cater to our self-perceived importance. This creates a lot of isolation and insulation as our personal issues clash with the perspectives of others. This creates an experience of us against the world. 

When we argue it is usually because we desire something we do not have. The more others seem to possess something we want, the more important it becomes for us to have it. Individuals at the Intellectual level become attracted to their opposites yet cannot relax enough to recreate the experience of the opposite within them selves. (Critical to our success is whether we can embody the opposite experience congruently in all sensory Modalities and that it is something to which we are aligned.) Arguments reinforce polarization on different levels of Modalities, preventing problems from being seen or addressed. When we isolate ourselves and are cut off from different levels of input from our senses, it creates a sense of entitlement. We end up having no sense of appropriate balance and start to seek external things that justify (and amplify) our own importance. Just because we have the belief that we deserve something, is not a justification for manifesting it. It needs to support our authentic contribution or be in alignment with our growth path for it to be fulfilling (or it further isolates or separates us from our Self).

When we can identify our Desires, name them and they fulfill an aspect of our Life expression, they are easier to manifest. Being fully present to a possibility supports it manifesting in our life. This means that we need to have an inner experience of the possibility that aligns with the our external experience of communicating about it with others. Whenever something goes from a mutual idea to ‘my idea’, it becomes a separate (and isolated) thought framework, which becomes an obstacle to manifestation. Any negative discussion is viewed as an attack on our truth or our needs. Our identification with what we want becomes a needs-fulfillment mechanism, where we attempt to possess everything we desire. Like most personality Desires, we do not examine the possibility based on appropriateness. Without distinguishing our wishes from our wants and needs. Wishes are fantasy projections based on solving past difficulties. Wants are possible needs not fully developed or defined. Needs are what we manifest each and every day to move ourselves forward. Universal Intent always supports us in what we need, even though it may not be what we think it should be. We always have what we need, based on where we are in our Authentic Life Expression actualization cycle. When assessing our Wants, we often do not consider that every experience has many different lessons, and lessons determine our manifestation more than anything else.

Manifesting something requires that we internally re-create it so that we can effectively share it with others externally and they can respond to it. Whenever we attempt to make something an absolute ‘right’ way to be or do, it automatically creates an opposite reflection that counters our intention. This neutralizes our Intent, making it harder to manifest what we need. For this reason we recommend that we do not become negative and intense about how we will do things; in fact, it can sabotage our process. Every time we Subjectify a thought, person, or thing, we are forcefully asserting our thoughts onto it. This invites an equal and opposite reaction counter to what we are trying to accomplish. People not only burn out around Subjectifiers, but they increasingly become more resistant to anything they say.

Empowering Creative Success and Security

Empowering Creative Success and Security

The Secondary Creative Expression typically shows up in our late teenage years and becomes the main way we validate our choice of career. This is because we have a tendency to put our Secondary Creative Expressions on the line and develop them so they will add value to others. Some would say that our Creative Secondaries are driven by the need to be successful so we are more willing to risk being made wrong. We tend to vacillate between underdoing and overdoing this expression; trying to find a point of balance where we will be accepted by the most people. When we are acting in alignment with our true Secondary Expression, we experience greater Wisdom and little or no Intensity.

The Secondary Creative Expression is the easiest to see in most individuals. Since individuals want to be seen as valuable by others, we put more effort into relating on this level so that we seem more accessible. One example of this is when others do not seem to see us, we push forward more, and when they are overwhelmed, we pull back this Expression. This is why we vacillate between underdoing and overdoing this Expression. The Secondary Expression is also one that tries to ‘get along’ with everyone. It spends a considerable amount of time making sure that others are receiving the value we wish to deliver. This makes us successful and secure at this level.

Higher Alignment uses descriptive names to talk about each of the seven Creative Expressions. The Alice Bailey work numbers these Expressions and calls them Rays. The Michael system has another set of names. Individuals such as Howard Gardner at Harvard, has pioneered other general intelligence names. In an attempt to standardize these naming conventions, we are providing an Intelligence Key so everyone can be on the same page. This key will provide individuals with different backgrounds an ability to relate to different intelligence archetypes from their own discipline. It is important to remember that these seven creative types have three levels of expression: primary, secondary, and mental body. Each level of Creative Expression performs a different function and purpose, which creates subtle differences between each level. The mental body is responsible for doing, the secondary is responsible for relating, and the primary is responsible for being.

Our seven Secondary Expressions

• Orchestrator Secondaries manifest their creative power through stark directness; taking action before others even talk about it. We prove ourselves by manifesting clear and unambiguous results. Our power can be intimidating, so we may learn to turn it up or down depending on our goals or the impact we wish to make. It is important that we do not get caught up in negative defensive expressions of power, which could be self-destructive. Our primary focus becomes how to build an expert team that can implement as well as problem solve.


• Compassionate Secondaries manifest their creative power by seeing the needs of others energetically. We automatically know the feelings and fears of others, and can empathize with them. We prove ourselves as trusted intermediaries, committed to appropriate projects that support the greater good. We seek to neutralize conflict and teach others to love themselves. Compassionates accomplish this by reflecting others’ nature and characteristics back to them. It is important that we do not take on a victim role or get caught in self-pity and martyrdom, this would limit our capacity to bring light and love to others.


• Implementer Secondaries manifest their creative power by doing things with greater energetic integrity. We prove ourselves as loyal co-workers by standing with our commitments to particular outcomes. We enjoy organizing and designing processes that provide certainty that the best product or service will emerge. Usually this involves documentation and training so that everyone knows what is expected of them. We need leaders that have the common interest of the group in mind, which is why we volunteer. It is important that we do not become too isolated or believe that no one appreciates our productivity, for we tend to become rigid, angry and less responsive.


• Inventor Secondaries manifest their creative power by being adventurous, internally and externally, always encouraging change by providing multiple options. We are the most environmentally sensitive type of individual (space, noise, color, beauty, etc.), which shows up as a need to travel in order to relax. We get immersed in larger systems such as Artificial intelligence or healing modalities. Our gift is seeing how things could be, which irritates us when the status quo prevents possibilities. We are particularly upset when others do not consider fully our suggestions, but instead disregard the power of the ideas we present. This is why we are known for our rebellious or anti-authoritarian positions.


• Investigator Secondaries manifest their creative power by being an auditor around what is being done and why it is being done in a particular way. We act as a repository of the reasoning and thought that goes into intellectual problem solving. We want to bring together various structures of thought and make them available on demand to others. It is important for us to integrate and use our emotions to empower our thinking. This creates more unity, self-reflection, and increases our ability to think on a deeper level.  We seek to bring together resources so others will not repeat the mistakes of the past.


• Visionary Secondaries manifest their creative power by awakening the aspirations and desires of others. We prove ourselves by knowing what others need before they even know it. We want what is best so we invest ourselves in inspiring and cheerleading others. We accomplish this by encouraging others to declare their mission or gifts. This supports others’ growth and increases their ability to take action. When others take action we respond by emotionally unifying and banding groups together to pursue the challenges they have declared. It is important not to be sidetracked by distractions, false assumptions and non-growth people.


• Storyteller Secondaries manifest their creative power by building groups that bond others through activities. We prove ourselves by engaging and communicating with people on all levels. We use common interests and the desire to engage lessons so we can learn from each other. We learn to put ourselves out and do whatever we can to bring together the stories of people. We like to keep things light and carefree, even when they are critical and challenging in the moment. What is important to remember is that our influence over others needs to be positive and without coercion, or it will have a detrimental impact on us. 

Secondary Expressions bring out our Aliveness while Defensive patterns bring out our Intensity. We struggle between these internal experiences because we have not chosen what is in alignment within us. Each of our Primaries, Secondaries, and Mental Bodies help us to express certain values when we actualize them in our lives. The irony is that each of us actually has certain values that we are perfecting for the larger benefit of humankind. This allows for a sharing of values among people that would further integrate our creative purposes. Unfortunately, Subjectification tries to impose a set of values on others, which ends up increasing the resistance to adopt values. When our values are denied we feel empty and are unable to find our way.

When we use our truth and affirm our values, we start building an internal knowing of our contribution. This contribution is often very different from what others perceive it to be. It would be better to use our Primary Creative Expression as a guide for what would be a fulfilling course of action rather than our Secondaries. Unfortunately, many of us get caught up in our Secondaries and therefore, it is an Anxiety-producing event to actually engage our Primaries. We fear that we may not make the right choice, which creates more opportunities to make the wrong choice. Even challenging ourselves to identify our Secondary Expression can be painful. When we are limited in seeing the full potential of our Secondary Expression, just stepping into the power of a larger vision could be very disorienting. The truth is always validated by us internally. When aligned, we discover great joy, along with Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness. We confirm these experiences by taking the next steps to expressing our truth. This self-validation process is a virtuous circle, where the more we do, and the more we accept ourselves, the more we naturally contribute. What makes this a virtuous circle is that we are supported in the process of supporting others.

When we know our Secondary Expression, it allows us to express our Content or career-focus easily. Content is the ability to think beyond our box. It is the capacity to make sense of our circumstances. When we are unified in our Thoughts and Emotions, we are able to reflect on our experience, allowing us to make sense of our truth. When we are aligned in our Intent, it puts pressure on us to know what we are doing. This drives us to define our Secondary Expression, most of us actually succeed in this. We could imagine our Defenses as part of the training wheels that guide us to establishing our ability to ride a bike. The problem is that we still do not have a map of where we are going. This is why we will ultimately need to engage our Primary Creative Expression and take ownership of making a contribution that matters to us.

Progress, therefore, is conscious engagement, growth and evolution (rather than fixed rules). If we take the time, we can use Solitude (where we learn to recreate the whole universe in our minds) to see the many reflections of possibilities. Solitude is a way to expand our experiences by creating an internal model of all the interactions and connections. With a model of Solitude we begin to collect different experiences or perspectives about everything we engage. We bring together experiences so the truth becomes more flexible and less polarized—we build Wisdom. Solitude increases the ability to see our truth because we are not attached to a part of the experience at the cost of the whole. What transforms our perceptions is the inclusivity and completeness of our model. Being able to see what could work, and what might not, allows us to predict outcomes more effectively.

Over time, we realize that we are no longer carrying around that defensive burden. Instead, we can nurture and take care of ourselves because we know we deserve it. This is not about entitlement because it is not a defensive pattern. It is a declaration of our Creative Nature and an acknowledgment that we have a contribution to make and a gift to give to the world. By the time we discover what this gift is, the pain will be greatly mitigated and our acts of service will be fulfilling, helping us to put more energy into positive expressions in our life. It is important to realize that creating this space around our heart is one of the main ways we shift out of Subjectification of others or ourselves. This is because as long as we take on the Subjectification of others, we feel justified paying others back for the pain we received. Forgiveness of others and ourselves is the final way we clear out Subjectification. Until this happens, we still have the temptation to fall back into Defensive pattern where Intensity rules. Intensity will impact us until we go into the pain and understand the driving principles of it so that we are no longer caught or attracted to Intense situations. If we are still drawn to Intense situations, we are still operating from this Defensive pain and we have not transformed it.

We strengthen every relationship by making commitments to it, whether these are business, romantic or personal friendships. If we are not growing in a relationship, we are slowly dying in it. This growth process is all about affirming that we could have more forms of connection. Building Relationship Skills is the best way to expand our capacity to be there for other people. Over time, we develop the natural muscles to make commitments to people that they not only can count on, but that they, in turn, can do the same for us. Athena Staik, PhD at PsychCentral.com has written about 15 statements of commitment that can strengthen our relationships.

Communication Process

Communication is usually seen as one of the key aspirations in creating great relationships. In Higher Alignment, it is the primary intellectual aspiration that helps us get on the same page with our partners. The four basic aspirations for great relationships are Connection (Level 1), Communication (Level 2), Co-Measurement (Level 3) and Co-Creativity (Level 4). While most individuals make the false assumption that how others communicate should be how we communicate. In reality, there are seven different patterns of the Communication Process. Each pattern is based on a different sequence of Thinking, Feeling and Acting. Thinking relates to Content. Feeling relates to Context and Acting relates to Intent. We abbreviate these sequences into three-character designations, such as TFA for Think, Feel, Act. There is also a rare situation where all three options are done simultaneously and equally. This is abbreviated SAE. It is also called being intellectually polarized in the Alice Bailey work because it is about being a knower, transcending personality knowledge.

Individuals with the same Communication Process find it easier to engage each other. This is because those who share a sequence spend the same amount of time proportionally in each of the three frameworks. When individuals match up in their sequence, they share the same motivations and fears of not being heard and problems transferring their insights to others. What makes communication difficult is not having the same Sequence, so we do not address the communication issues in the same way and with the same degree of engagement (using Intent, Content and Context). What further confuses us is when we are either repressed or imprinted to express ourselves as our parents did. These patterns not only make it more difficult to communicate, but actually frustrate others when they cannot effectively communicate with us.

Each sequence can be validated by what motivates it. For example, Think First individuals are motivated by others sharing their Truth allowing the process to move forward. Think First individuals are precise and prefer to know what they are talking about before being put in a situation. Feel First individuals are motivated by Harmony and friendly interactions. They frequently say whatever comes to mind, believing that the tonality of how something is said will modify or mitigate any inaccuracies in communication. Act First individuals have a gut knowing about what works and what does not. They are most easily identified by their lack of comments or interest in upfront explanations. Our primary sequence is where we place the majority of our attention, which makes it appear (to us) more transparent.

The secondary sequence is usually what we protect. Think Second individuals protect their Thoughts by reviewing them for inaccuracies before saying anything. They seek the validation of others to help them establish the details of their interactions. Feel Second individuals attempt to create an inner group where they can safely express their emotions. Anyone else gets relegated to an outer group that does not get their full expression. Act Second individuals need movement to process their experience. When told to sit still (as children) this reduces their ability to express this center and often results in becoming more impulsive, because they cannot delay their expression (acting) indefinitely. Since most of us move quickly in and out of our secondary sequence under stress, we become more adept at protecting ourselves in this way.

The tertiary sequence is what we use to complete our Communication Process so we can reflect and relax. Think Last individuals are not understood in the United States, because they store their knowing in their bodies. The priority for them is to Feel and Act, which means they need time to reflect upon and regenerate their focus on the third level. Feel Last individuals are typically misunderstood as not having an emotional nature. This is because they need to complete a process before they feel safe enough to express how they feel about the experience. Act Last individuals are the most common in the United States. Most individuals in the U.S. have difficulty taking clear and clean action without second-guessing their experience.

Individuals who are more Simultaneous & Equal operate in a state of equanimity with little or no reactions to anyone. These people can shift to meet others no matter how they are configured. This Communication Process is ultimately the goal for everyone as we become more conscious. We can see examples of this in many spiritual or thought leaders. We can validate that someone is operating at this level when they demonstrate balance under adversity and particularly when presented with shocking news. Another indicator is that they can fit into many situations and mirror others without becoming attached to the way others discuss their process. Less than 1% of the population operates in Simultaneous & Equal. In the United States, the largest group is Think, Feel, Act (TFA), the second largest are the Feel, Think, Act (FTA), which means that most educational systems primarily deal with the first two sequences (and not much else).

There are seven Communication Processes Which one are you?

• Think, Feel, Act (TFA) — We Think first, generating different ideas, then we Feel into each option until we are sure what Action makes sense to complete the cycle. We usually amplify Thoughts, hide our Feelings and use Actions to punctuate our forward momentum. When under stress, we become highly emotional, which leads to breakdowns or breakthroughs as we become clear.


• Think, Act, Feel (TAF) — We Think first, generating different ideas, then we explore various activities, determining what flows best, thereby committing ourselves. When the process is complete, we Feel into it to determine how much we accomplished and how we can improve things in the next sequence (which gets stored in our bodies). We usually amplify our Thoughts, minimize our visibility to others about what we are doing (so they cannot object), giving us room to evaluate our actions independently by then Feeling them completely. When under stress, we judge ourselves based on our Actions (or lack thereof).


• Feel, Think, Act (FTA) — We Feel into possibilities, intuitively sensing which ones appeal to us. We explore these options intellectually to see if there are any we can eliminate as not meeting our standards or objectives. This allows us to choose the best options, not just for us but also for those around us who may be critical of our choices. The Action unfolds and we determine if our choice was fulfilling or not. When under stress, we do not share our Thoughts or we selectively edit our Thoughts until we have worked out all the details.


• Feel, Act, Think (FAT) — We Feel into possibilities, intuitively sensing which ones appeal to us. We explore potential activities and try them out a little at a time to see how others respond. If we feel good about the activity and it gets a good response, we commit to it. This allows us to evaluate how and why it worked (or not). We automatically, at the end of a process, rank it compared to other activities of a similar nature, storing the experience in our bodies so it becomes an accessible response when it has a high rating. When under stress, we become quiet and introspective.


• Act, Think, Feel (ATF) — We say little or nothing to others at first to determine if we can see what is needed in a situation and act on it. If no one is paying attention, we take action as a way of exploring the opportunities around us. We are often amazed that no one sees things the way we do. What is obvious to us does not seem obvious to others. In particular, we see how Actions correspond to Thoughts. This allows us to quickly formulate solutions. The big issue is to determine when an issue is complete and how we feel about what we have accomplished. This reflects how we need to shift gears to get into our Feelings and create a prioritized list in our bodies about what we like. When under stress, we get concerned we are making a mistake that could sabotage our ability to move forward in that moment.


• Act, Feel, Think (AFT) — We say little or nothing to others at first to determine if they can see what is needed in a situation and act on it. The most others notice about us is the subtle movements or moods that permeate our presence. These moods tell others everything they need to know about us. We mostly operate from an instinct about what will work. We care little about the structures and beliefs of others, perhaps because we seldom think about these issues ourselves. When we are ready to complete a task it is because we do not believe we can get anything more from the Actions and Feelings. At this point, we attempt to understand how this experience is different from others we have had. When under stress, we can seem agitated because conflicts can arise between our Actions and Feelings.


• Simultaneous & Equal (SAE) — We respond to others, meeting them (initially) in their primary sequence. This allows us to settle into the process with them and deal with their reactions to their issues. By mirroring others, they get clear about what can be done to become more unified. Most of the time, we are also dealing with shifts between the big picture (Context) and the details necessary (Content) to be aligned with an outcome. Until these things are lined up, the Intent cannot move forward, which means a SAE individual will hold space and listen more intently to what is actually being said.

For some of us it is hard to grasp that individuals can have such an altered perception of reality. For example, the Think First individuals, with their Content framework, need details first in order to generate Context or Feelings. Feel First individuals do the opposite by focusing on the big picture so they can see what details would align with it. Each sequence difference contributes uniquely in the world in a way unrealized by the common population. For example, all the great ballet dancers are Feel, Act, Think. Ironically, this same sequence makes great paramedics or fire-fighters. Almost all pro football players are Act First. Most musicians are either FTA or TFA. Recognizing these communication differences promotes a deeper connection with others. The more we engage in relationships where the first two sequences are reversed, the more likely we will be defined in a co-dependent way. Communication Process, therefore, sheds light on differences that are not purely defensive.

Recognizing Subjectification

Recognizing Subjectification

Subjectifiers are insecure, incomplete and anxious. These individuals do not know their real contribution. This drives them to seek constant reassurance that everything is going well. Subjectifiers avoid confronting their lack of knowing by making information everything. It can also be noted that only through failure do we improve and get better. In their mind, Subjectifiers cannot fail. It is unthinkable. This keeps them from joining groups, which would increase their dependence on others. Eventually, those being Subjectified recognize this and take control of their own destiny. The Desire for Independence is based on the need to Subjectify others so that we can feel superior. It is all about getting others to acknowledge how great or right we are. These two conflicting directions end up cancelling each other out but create a bond where we believe that we are our Defense and that anyone challenging our perceptions must be wrong. 

Subjectification promotes an idea that beliefs are good. Beliefs are actually temporary assessments about something indicating that we can make an informed decision in the moment. When they become general guidelines, beliefs lose their value as short-term assessments.  They become things we tell others to do to make the ‘right choice’. The more we do not question beliefs, the more power they have over us. What we need to practice is assuming that our truth in the moment requires access to ourselves in the here and now. This is not Subjectification as long as it is not represented as a generalized truth. It is also not Subjectification when we express ourselves in a way that gives others space to respond in their own way. It is only Subjectification when we are unwilling to listen, hear or acknowledge the truth of others by believing that our truth is better.

On a personal level, we can Subjectify anything. That includes this material. There are no holy words written here. This is not a sacred text. While it is based on scientific observation and personal experience, it does not have to be your experience. The more you elevate this process, the less you will get out of it. This is merely a working process where we get to examine what we know and do not know, so that we (each of us) can come up with our own answers. If what we are saying resonates and speaks to you, you are free to choose this as a part of your truth. What we intend with this document is to awaken people to the questions they may need to answer to actually improve their relationships. Our only desire is to support those on a similar path so that they can move more quickly to become conscious relationship manifestors and are able to make the difference they want to make in the world.  

Dynamic Defense Style individuals take care of themselves at the cost of their partners, while Disarming Defense Style individuals take care of others at a cost to themselves. This is why these partners feel secure with each other. They at least agree on who is going to get taken care of in the relationship. Unfortunately, it is always the Dynamic who gets taken care of and the Disarming individual that does the care-taking! The Disarming individuals eventually learn that they need to take care of themselves and the Dynamic individuals learn that they have to pay appropriate attention to others if they want to have a partner.

If the statement above polarizes you, you might still be identified with your Defense. Some who do not know their Defense Style may have found the statements interesting but unenlightening. It is useful to explore and name our patterns so we can modify, change or release them. Until we let go of our Defenses, we are typically attracted to our opposites. This means if we are heterosexual we are attracted to opposite Defense Style partners. If we are lesbian or gay, we are attracted to the same Defense Style partners (more or less feminine Defense with gay men and more or less masculine Defense with women). With every failure in relationship, our Defenses become more amplified and activated, which attracts us to stronger opposite Defenses. We move beyond this level as we begin to love ourselves as we are, shifting our attractions to individuals with the same Defense Style. A lack of polarization or reduction of intensity within us supports attracting partners who will value and automatically love us. Diminishing attention on Defenses empowers creativity.

The ugly truth about Subjectification is that we create our own versions of the truth more than we realize. Scientists have discovered that every time we access our memories, the process, in fact, changes our Thoughts.Thoughts can evolve or decline in importance, and our thoughts about our Thoughts become intermixed, which allows them to evolve in new ways. It is now recognized that memories diminish without emotional congruence or support. We see examples of how people improve their memories using emotional anchors to establish a fixed framework of reference. The filters of our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts all provide different perceptions about our experiences. Each individual provides his or her own perceptual framework, which is based on previous experiences. This teaches us that actual objective assessments are figments of our imagination. We learn how perceptions change with new inputs.

Subjectification is the attempt to close down our examination of experience so that we see things with a particular emphasis and priority. There is an unconscious hierarchy of what we consider important based on how we have denied ourselves. The more we are out of touch with what drives our need to know, the more likely this unconscious hierarchy defines our reality by default. This means that the more we Subjectify others, the more insecure and out of balance we get about what we know, which further amplifies our need to be self-important. Subjectification is the primary cause of ego-inflation. Although this can be amplified by Idealization, the source of the problem is our inability to see ourselves in relationship to others. The more we isolate ourselves and separate ourselves from others (as indicated by loneliness), the more we are at the effect of our Subjectification patterns.

We not only subjectify others but we subjectify ourselves by being entranced by our own Thoughts. This reduction in scope is further compromised by a dread that we cannot lose control of activities around us. In effect, what we are doing is pushing ourselves into fixed behaviors based on predefined Thoughts that compound our problems. This further reduces our connections to others. This illusion of control is proven false because our Desires exceed our ability to grasp what we want. Instead, we make grandiose predictions that tend to fall through because we were not able to anticipate certain problems. This is why Subjectification is a distortion or blindness, making it impossible to see or accept the Truth.

Subjectification is ultimately self-defeating. Knowledge is not direct power when it comes to working with others. This is particularly true as forcing others to follow our truth increases our own imbalances. It is these imbalances that prevent the application of Wisdom and Truth. We end up not being able to be present to our own Truth because we are so concerned about how others will interpret our perspective. The more forcefully we Subjectify others, the more resentment will be built, which diminishes the likelihood others will accept our knowledge. Greater consciousness must also come into play to identify when and where knowledge can be applied appropriately. Unless we can be present to our Truth, and engage both the emotional and intellectual aspects of it, communications will always be limited and unbalanced.

Any imbalance, withholding, or over-doing of knowledge diminishes the trust of others. As a result, others react and are not able to fully hear or comprehend the whole experience. This is why the most powerful speakers do not operate from fixed positions or try to convince others of their truth. It is enough that it is their experience. When Emotions and Thoughts are integrated and present, our Truth feels multi-dimensional. When the structure of an experience flows, it feels informative. To make our Truth complete we also need to disclose our Motives. Anyone attempting to manipulate through knowledge has to deal with the credibility of their experience and how it relates to the listener. Common Neutral Ground facilitates this sharing by preserving our personal space and establishing a neutral space for others (so we do not become self-conscious). When others respond, we can then respond appropriately.

Embodying our Truth becomes the primary way to clarify our path. Autonomy means being able to separate our experience from another’s. Without Autonomy, there is no way to operate in alignment together. At this level, where we are learning about differences, we are trying to neutralize Co-Dependence. Instead of going along with what others want, we need to question what is appropriate for us and speak this truth. Otherwise, our perspectives will be lost in the confusion. Emotions help us complete our Thoughts. They also empower our thinking. Not having a clear emotional response to our thinking minimizes the ability to enact our Truth. Autonomy helps us process our experience so that our identity has Thoughts and Emotions that are congruent and integrated.

Many see Subjectification as a game. The more we can prove how right we are, the more superior feel. Since there are very few rules in this game, we can lie, manipulate and deceive partners as long as we can justify that it is eventually in their best interest. The first deception is that we need them, but will only admit it when our romantic interests require it. This is why we never accept that we are co-dependent, or that it is in our interest to acknowledge others for what they are to us. Subjectification at its best is a shallow experience with incongruent Emotions. Mixed messages, in particular, result from Objectification being controlled by Subjectifiers. We learn that any response other than acceptance will provoke reactions. This uses up all of our energy and time. We learn to be successful and go along because we can have the benefits of some outer, seemingly secure relationship without a deeper need to connect. This success trap promotes pontification, political alliances, and blindsiding others by changing plans in the middle of a process. Like the Survivor television show, it becomes out-think, outwit and out-play your opponents.

The Success Trap is to believe that outward success is equivalent to inner success. Meaning that if our truth is not represented in what we do, we are in fact, the victims. The true cost is that all creative problem solving is minimized in favor of platitudes, meaningless arguments and top-down group think, such as social slogan ‘Power is based on knowledge.’ The real issue is that we do not own our thinking but by the people who tell us what to do. This does not mean that we cannot agree to go along with others for a specific purpose, it just means that we do not get lost thinking that others’ Thoughts are our Thoughts, or forgetting to think for ourselves.

Initially, the need to prove ourselves worthy drives us to find ways to make contributions needed by others. When this is done in a stressful way, it is egoic. When it can be done in a relaxed and consciously present manner it is our true Creative Nature emerging. One of the main things that build our egoic knowing is being able to see what others do not understand and provide the requisite knowledge. When this is done without presence, it becomes Subjectification. We can either elevate the truth of our Thoughts or the truth of our Emotions, but when we Subjectify people, it is neither. Since our Emotions and Thoughts are open-ended explorations where we choose what to validate, we can make mistakes and deny our truth, particularly when there is no agreement as to what is the source of our understanding. Fixating on Desires is a common way to see the world from a unilateral, self-centered perspective. The more we need to be right, the less we can learn. We begin to believe that power is about knowledge and information, when it is actually about our flexibility of either perception or creativity. What we need to see is that our natural truth needs no support or convincing to be accepted. We can validate our Truth by determining the degree to which it is whole and complete. This means it needs no personal ownership or justification for its existence. Since Defenses are the result of an imbalance between our masculine and feminine sides, we become whole and complete by giving up our Defensive positions. This allows us to choose partners with the same Defense, who no longer hide by using Defensive frameworks. 

The definition of the Success Trap is that the more we externally measure success based on others’ truth, the less fulfilling it is for us. The problem is that once we are compromised, others pressure us to compromise more, otherwise the will likely walk all over us. Over time, we lose track of who we are, trying to be what others consider successful. Many Subjectifiers just repeat themselves, not knowing how to explain themselves in any other way. They are either unable to grasp the Content or have a reduced Context that prevents them from seeing the big picture. Anti-Subjectifiers question Thoughts, particularly when they have a group-think mentality. Inventers particularly have difficulty listening or taking in Subjectified Content without spouting it back.

When we identify with Outer Success, we deny our Wisdom. The irony is that the more we are unbalanced between our Emotions and Thoughts, the more our insecurity about our truth pushes us to seek external power over others. In these circumstances, we assume certain Positions, and forget our previous uncertainty. We attempt to make our partners feel more secure by being uncompromising and dogmatic. Unfortunately, this just makes them feel more controlled and Subjectified. We are blind to the fact that this can actually be a detriment to the relationship. We elevate everything to the level of principles so we can maximize our Intensity. It also promotes a feeling of superiority over others. Using Intensity to push back others becomes our main way of protecting ourselves. Rather than thinking about Truth as an open discussion, Subjectifiers attempt to shut down discourse by talking over others. The way they accomplish this is by intimidating others who challenge their thinking.

Many times we initially experience Subjectification as children, making us more powerful Subjectifiers when we leave home. Sometimes we have considerable anger about not being listened to in our families, which drives us to be more strident about not being heard. This is a natural turnabout because we hated the experience of being Subjectified by others. Another trigger for Subjectification is the use of a particular tone of voice (or even sarcasm) when Subjectifiers become enraged or irritated. When children see that this approach gets others to back off, they tend to adopt it when they want to drive others away. When we are able to forgive others for operating arrogantly and see that they have little or no compassion for themselves, it makes it easier for us to be a calm voice in supporting them to understand how they negatively impact others. While they may not be able to get it, they do see how talking down to others reduces their willingness to listen. What is confusing for them is that they cannot feel the reactions of others because their own Defenses prevent them from taking this in. We need to be compassionate about the fact that they have no outward way of calibrating to the Emotions or well-being of others. At best, they learn by behavioral cues when things are not going right. From this limited subset, they make many erroneous assumptions because they cannot distinguish good connections from bad connections.

Intensity Indicates Incompleteness (Co-Dependence)

There are three ways we can use Intensity to Defensively motivate ourselves. We can Avoid, Co-opt, or Idealize Intensity. When we avoid Intensity, we amplify our selfishness and/or deny compromise by attempting to demonstrate our Power. We push others to define themselves in our terms, making sure they fulfill our needs as well. We also use self-pity and contempt to punish our partners by withdrawing or driving them away when we are scared of the change they represent. The whole idea of avoiding Intensity is to limit its use and using it as a last resort. We Co-opt Intensity by generating as much havoc as possible, so partners will not challenge any deception or insincerity. With this option, we constantly push others to keep them off-balance so they will not see what is really going on. We take positions, like entitlement, to convince others that what they believe must not be true. If this does not work, we delay using resistance or generate as much confusion as possible. When we Idealize Intensity, we introduce malice or anger by constantly reliving all the pain of the past. This comes out as extreme vigilance, overwhelming pride, snide sarcasm, and being extremely serious. We seek to make others pay for all past inequalities, falsely believing that this will make things better. When it does not, we can resort to shaming or blaming them. Subjectification is not dead until we realize that Intensity is an indication of insecurity that will not be resolved until we accept our complete Truth. This involves releasing positions that tie us to fixed perspectives. When we embody our resourcefulness and abundance, it is easier to forgive ourselves and others for previous violations. By this time, we also realize how we unconsciously violated another’s truth without fully understanding the consequences. 

When we Subjectify others, we consciously separate ourselves from them. Reducing understanding, shared concerns, or inclusive cooperation. As a result, we cannot see our own confusion, co-dependence, seriousness, resistance, self-pity, sarcasm, entitlement, pride, or contempt. We hide in our deception, compromise, anger, insincerity, selfishness and malice. As long as we continue to deny our Defenses, these dualities will continue to exist. What makes it more difficult is how we unconsciously attract others who will point out these deficiencies. For most of us, we get trapped, believing that our Defenses condemn us to isolation and co-dependence. We settle for what we can get (usually at the cost to our partner), not realizing there is a creative way to get beyond Defensiveness. All it requires is that we see and accept our partner in their difference so that we can work together.

Transforming Subjectification is about making sure that we do not use differences in knowledge to make someone seem less capable. There are also situations where we have been trained to be subservient and we want others to tell us what to do. Either one of these shows us that Subjectification is at play. For example, Dynamic Defense style individuals use the doubt of Disarming Defense style individuals or the fear of Distant Defense style individuals to impose their perception by providing answers that are the most available and rational options. They can be arrogant in their assumptions. Disarming Defense style individuals tend to be more covert in their desire to control, questioning the emotional availability of the Dynamic Defense style individuals. While suggesting to the Distant Defense style individuals that their argument is not clear, consistent, or lacks completeness, which will have them backpedaling quickly. In this situation, they tend to disregard what others say, recognizing that there are ways of manipulating the situation. Distant Defense style individuals know not to directly confront Dynamic or Defense style individuals so they can state something and ignore the consequences until the other person gives up or forgets to prevent it. This is why Distant Defense style individuals can Subjectify others, but more likely are those who are Subjectified by others.

When we pierce the veil of Subjectification by honoring our Wisdom and Content, we begin to see knowledge as a state of being, rather than an objective. The difference between Wisdom and knowledge is that with Wisdom, we are constantly giving birth to new possibilities, and with knowledge, we are trapped in our past. We come to recognize that our choices can trap us in our past, or open the doors to enhance perceptions. Using Pregnant Duration, time is no longer an obstacle, allowing us to unfold our knowing as and where necessary. We start to understand that there is a larger cosmic destiny built into our evolution so we are always finding solutions allowing us to continue to evolve even more. In relationships, this is currently showing up in neutralizing co-dependence so that we can be autonomous and yet be co-creative with others. Are we willing to make this choice? If not, we are doomed to repeat our lessons over and over, trapped in the isolating situation of being with people who do not get us.  Are we able to stand on our own two feet and accept responsibility for our future without getting caught up in Security Fears and Desires? If yes, we will accept that we created an optimum path for our development, and that all we need to do is affirm it.

When we are balanced between Thoughts and Emotions and present to our truth, Subjectification is neutralized and we can see the Attractions of others. We can also meditate by developing a relationship with our Truth. First, we learn that we are not our Thoughts, but that they are independent constructions. While some Thoughts are produced by us as a result of integrating and reflecting on our Modalities (Sensations, Feelings, Thoughts, Emotions and Intuitions) many of our Thoughts are either from the re-creation of the Thoughts of others or are reactions to them. As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin has suggested, “Many thoughts also live on as elements of a universal mind.” It is the Thoughts that we choose or create as a contribution that mean the most to us. While we can focus on Defensive Thoughts, and make these our whole life, it will greatly minimize the contributions and creativity we would naturally manifest. When we do not know better, grasping what we want increases our desire to Subjectify others.

When we are caught up in Subjectification, we do not deepen into our own Knowing, preventing us from clearly seeing our own Attractions and lessons. Every Attraction is a part of our lessons, which is how we grow and master our own experience.  Subjectification flattens our Attractions, so we fixate on reproducing the experiences without understanding their purpose or meaning. We become need-fulfillment mechanisms when we Subjectify ourselves and others, in this way everything becomes defined in terms of inputs and outputs. This causes us to distract ourselves in a fruitless search for Power and unbalanced productivity. We imagine that Power is being able to dictate what the priorities and objectives are, when actually we are defining ourselves in terms of how others can best serve us. This is personality manipulation at its worst. The irony is that in seeking greater Defensive Power we no longer lead, but rather follow, the path of least resistance.

The Purpose of Attractions is to Assist in Identifying Our Lessons

We free ourselves by focusing on Attractions and Lessons so that we can go beyond needing others in order to follow through. The hidden limitation of Subjectification is that the more we believe common knowledge (without personal experience) the weaker we are. Our natural strength comes from our personal experience and knowing, not the watered-down mentality of common, cultural interpretations and compromise. Paradoxically, most Subjectification is the result of misusing certain perceptions of what we believe to make others feel incompetent. As a Subjectifier, we confuse our perspectives with how others should think. As the Subjectified, we come to question why our perspective is so different from others. What this points out is that our patterns of thought are rarely similar. This is reflected in different attractions and lessons. Until we accept that others are different, both in Attractions and their way of knowing, we cannot effectively gauge what is appropriate (or inappropriate) for them. What is appropriate is engaging interdependent lessons.

When we operate in fixed, polarized Attractions, our future is stagnant. This is because limited, pre-set Attractions cut off our new Thoughts and Emotions. We then constantly recycle old Thoughts, Emotions and Life Lessons, falsely believing everything is the best it could be. Each relationship has its own natural set of Attractions, which means if we are looking for the same Attractions, and finding them, there is little or no growth potential in a relationship. Instead, we create greater co-dependence by choosing people with opposite Attractions, such as those with Innocence attracting those with Strength. Also contributing to fixed Attraction is that we seldom seek out individuals with the same Attractions. These similarities would create more non-Defensive relationships, which would be more intellectually and emotionally stimulating. The best solution is to not limit every relationship to any particular set of Attractions because we do not know how different Attractions could fulfill our larger lessons. Attractions could be a resource where we choose individuals that bring out the best in us, instead of those that confirm us as we have been. Another benefit of mixing our Attractions is that it opens us up to the light, wisdom and trust of our Intuition. This spontaneity is the primary indicator that we are leaning into our Attractions as tools for our growth.

Having a relationship that respects and esteems us is the secondary driver of friendship and romantic relationship. The desire to have a partner who will be there for us becomes the predominant way to weed out the quality of our partner opportunities. Usually one of us is playing into the Innocence game, while the other is playing the Strength game. What they both admire is the ability to speak their truth without reservation. The main issue is the stability of the relationship. So while Sexiness, Reliability and Smarts are important, we now seek someone we can intellectually engage who will become our ‘best friend’. While it always starts out with some degree of equality, the challenge is that we subtly, over time, make assessments about what we can and cannot count on in our partner. This can create Distortions in perception about who is in charge and who is ‘going along’. This leads to the mutual desire of working out agreements to see if there is a long-term benefit in being partners.

Some indications that we are caught up in Status Quo Contracts are the Attractions we use to engage others. The Attractions of Strength, Innocence and Personal Autonomy help define how the relationship is a commitment. The Attraction of Strength sets the stage for expecting others to respond to us. When we are strong, we see ourselves as defining our needs so that our partners know what is expected of them. The Attraction of Innocence allows us to hook others with our vulnerability so they feel needed by us. When we are innocent, we hope others will be caring and supportive of our own healing so that they will give us a break. The Attraction of Personal Autonomy helps us to trust that they will be able to identify what they want and see us as reasonable, consistent arbiters of what will make things better. We like partners who do not confuse us or are wishy-washy about their direction in life. Otherwise, we cannot count on them. What these factors have in common are ambition, criticism and courage.

The more we become conscious about our Attractions and the Attractions of others, the less we can Subjectify ourselves or others. Since Attractions are the basis of Lessons, and not everyone has the same Lessons, we need to realize that what is appropriate for some is not necessarily appropriate for others. Each level of Attractions indicates a different set of Lessons, which requires more consciousness to engage. If we are calibrating to the consciousness of others, we are no longer Subjectifying them. Instead, we are adapting to them and supporting them in the best way possible.

The Instinctive Layer of Attractions focuses us on Intent. The Intellectual Layer focuses us on the Content, the quality or the way something is being done. The Idealized layer of Attractions focuses us on the Context and the paradoxical aspects that need larger unification. It is not until we get to the Intuitive Level of Attractions, such as Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness, that we are fully calibrating to others as equals. This is why we say that higher level Attractions conflict with Subjectification patterns that require us to lose ourselves in our Thoughts. It is also important to note that the Intellectual Attractions: Strength, (e.g. “They have to understand that I’m in charge.”), Innocence (e.g. “What? I caused that problem? No. I don’t believe so.”), and Personal Autonomy (e.g. “I am just telling my truth.”) are most often used as excuses for doing Subjectification.

Interdependent Lessons are present when we individually work to solve problems together. When we are locked into Defensive patters, anyone with an opposite point of view attracts and guides us to confront our needs. The more we seek security in our differences with others, the more obvious our co-dependence. When we acknowledge only half of who we are, interdependent lessons teach us what we are denying within ourselves. This shifts when we fully accept who we are, and choose partners that are similar to us. In this way, interdependent lessons become the primary reason to work together. When we accept who we are as a Creative Being, we see things from a positive perspective and build greater detachment from how others see us. This permits us to distinguish our truth from the truth of others and question any claims of an absolute truth.

We discover that many unquestioned absolute truths are actually cultural distortions that we want to believe because it makes our lives seem easier. For example, the perception that Knowledge is Power becomes a truth only because of its societal acceptance of being a truth, rather than its merit. From a less conscious perspective, it could be a truth for a certain group of people, but this wouldn’t make it the truth for more conscious people. It would be easier to make the assumption that all truths are relative, meaning some people would find them true, while others would not, then to falsely believe there is universal truth that everyone should believe. Subjectifiers could not function if everyone operated from relative truths. The more aligned our lessons, the less we are compromised by any relationship. This means that we need to overcome fixed opposite attractions in relationships if we plan to find partners that will be aligned with us.

Sometimes, we are able to get to Level 3 without becoming conscious and self-reflective about our problems and lessons. In this situation, we need to learn how to distinguish the levels and learn how to best respond in different circumstances. More importantly, we need to heal each level from the bottom up before we can live in a conscious top-down manner. Level 4 is where we take responsibility for our lives from living from our Creative Nature. What takes most of the time is unpacking the levels of self-identity around gender by talking about inner and outer beauty; around individuation by practicing telling our truth harmlessly; and around aspirations by experiencing our Goodness and by increasing our creative contributions. What confuses us most is the merging of multiple problems together when we do not possess the tools to separate them.

Healing Subjectification

Healing Subjectification

Subjectification is a step on the path to higher consciousness. While is separates us from our truth, it awakens us to the need for truth. It is about polarized knowledge that distorts our actions. It compromises our Wisdom or light, so we are stuck in Defensive frameworks. When we use these compromises to reverse-engineer our best contributions, we are able to recognize unseen opportunities. In this way we deconstruct our need to perform into a natural way of connecting to make a difference with others. It is not Personality Power we seek, but authentic Creative Power that is shared, thus regenerating our Co-Creative Nature.

When we complete the Content level, we actually develop the qualities of Unity Thinking, and our knowing becomes paradoxically independent. The benefit of developing these skills is that we do not need to be defensive. Any attempt to prove what we know actually shows how insecure we are about what we know. When others cannot change our knowing, it allows us to be transformed by the process. At the same time, when we do know ourselves, we are not attached to who we are. This means we’re willing to make accommodations for others if it serves a greater purpose. The more we know about ourselves, the more we give ourselves permission to act outside of our basic patterns. We become less conditioned and more playful in our interactions in the world. The irony is that we release any seriousness because it is only a conditioned thought process.

Criticism always begins on the inside. It reflects judgments that we cannot hope to live up to and so we project those onto others, looking for their faults. It damages all that it touches. It tends to amplify perfectionism and produces a sense of separativeness and isolation. When it builds up, it creates hatred and antagonism. This can actually become an energy that poisons others, which we call Imperil. Since criticism is an attempt to make others feel our pain, it has a bitterness and vileness that we tend to hide behind sarcasm and wittiness. This does not mean we do not feel the hatred or separativeness that these individuals convey. Ironically, individuals at this level of relationship tend to believe that this Intensity is actually an experience of love. In reality, when individuals adopt Defenses, it protects them from others, and protects others from this sense of disconnected hatred.

This shift from a partial awareness of who we are to appreciating that we are more than we can possibly understand makes Defenses obsolete. This requires us to accept our Creative Nature. We need to stop thinking of knowledge as the answer. It is Wisdom, or the ability to combine our natural three ways of knowing or contributing, that makes us authentic. The more we know, the more we realize that it is our way of thinking, not what we know, that makes us human. It is our ability to think beyond our limited mental conditioning or Imprinting that makes us conscious participants. Individuals who cannot or will not think outside of their own defensive box have little or no ability to redirect or re-purpose their lives. In our defensive pattern, we operate according to the aspirations or beliefs of our parents about who we should be. We are merely products of our past, which prevents us from evolving and re-defining our Nature. Instead of perceiving the world as a glass half empty, we grow to see the world as half full. This allows us to be more open to the integration of undefined possibilities.

Shifting our thinking means being able to move from deductive or inductive thought processes to more open-ended wholeness inspired Unity thinking. What is required for Unity thinking is Playfulness, Paradox, Mutual Learning and a solution orientation. Instead of trying to burrow down on what is wrong, we need to see what is working and amplify it. This type of different thinking is critical to release ourselves from the strictures of Subjectification. While this process is greatly enhanced on Level 3, we need to initiate it on Level 2 to begin the self-forgiveness process. Instead of being self-critical and focused on the inner dialogue of what is wrong, we need to learn to relax and affirm impulses that drive us to question the way it is currently done. While this may make our heads hurt initially, over time we develop a new skill, which is being able to see things from a positive point of view that is based on affirming solutions.

What makes our self-identity complete is when we are able to combine our Thoughts and Emotions into a unified knowing our Truth is experienced. Without balancing our Thoughts and Emotions, our objective and subjective perspectives cannot support our independent Truth. Fragmentation, where we cannot be introspective or re-assess any Thought or Emotion, indicates a separation, conflict or disturbance within our selves. To make sense of these conflicts, a part of our personality unifies and coalesces around certain Beliefs. This will create Subjectification patterns where we rely on the perspective of others or deny their input in order to maintain our own illusions. This is how we take on fixed Positions, either denying or affirming our masculine (objective) or feminine (subjective) sides. This creates inner arguments where one part of our personality becomes dominant and imposes itself on the other part. As a result, what we affirm in ourselves becomes a war, not just of the subservient parts of ourselves, but with anything that reminds us of these unbalanced parts. In an attempt to protect ourselves, we lose connection with the parts of us that provide greater understanding (Wisdom) and integration with others. We can see this when we cannot admit that we do not know something.

The goal is to have comprehensive, inclusive experiences. The more our experiential Modalities (Thoughts and Emotions) are integrated, the harder it is to be deceived. We cannot see our deception (or how we deceive others) when we limit our engagement of our own Thoughts, Emotions, Feelings and Sensations. Most of us either over-do or under-do each of these Modalities based on our upbringing. For example, an individual who over-does Sensations and Thoughts is instinctively attracted to persons who will over-do Feelings and Emotions. What we commonly seek in a partner is someone who over-does a Modality that we under-do. We could also have more complex patterns when we are also seeking partners who match incomplete parental patterns. Overall, we attempt to reduce our inner fragmentation by finding partners who will compensate for our imbalances. This opens the door to acting out addictive patterns with our partner. In particular, when we have gaps in our Modality framework we can be manipulated, controlled and mislead by opposite Defense Style partners.

One way to honor our Truth and let go of Defenses is to accept the perfection of our outer masculine and feminine balance. When not connecting to our Truth, we unconsciously seek out others who deny their Truth. This shows up as being attracted to our opposite type, believing that their counterbalancing qualities will save us or make it easier to deal with life. While this Security-motivated choice seems complimentary, it prevents alignment and promotes unsustainable Personality Desires. It is these Desires that pull us into co-dependence. Eventually, because we did not take care of our Self, we end up believing that we cannot live without our partner. This leads us to the choice we must make between affirming ourselves and our completeness, or continuing to see ourselves as a dependent person. No one else but you can make this choice. Symbolically, we are all five-pointed stars, seeking to let our light shine. We choose a blue star to meditate on our Truth, recognizing that we need to balance our Emotions and Thoughts, to overcome our fixations on Security. The blueness of the star indicates Security. In short, we need to accept our abundance, and empower our inherent creative design.

By seeing the wholeness of our Truth, we do not need others to affirm it. Otherwise, fulfillment will constantly elude us. What would it take to step into our Truth, rather than live in the limitations of our Defensive pattern? How do we know when we are on the path and when we have become sidetracked? Do we have a way to expand our ability to contribute that empowers us? Are we able to distinguish what Desires serve us from those that do not? It all comes down to weeding our mental gardens in order to eliminate the Thoughts and Emotions that limit us to the past. What we want to fertilize in these gardens is the creative Striving that beats within our heart. All it takes is releasing ourselves from holding our known Defensive positions so that we can be detached from these personality Survival and Success perspectives. There is no need to grab for what the universe is attempting to give you.  

Shifting from a fixed point of view to a more open, creative acceptance of who we are takes trusting ourselves. It means confronting the great unknown. When we can distinguish our defensive patterns from our Creative Nature, it opens a doorway to being with others that was not there previously. First, we do not just argue with people anymore because we see how much energy it takes and that it goes nowhere. Second, if we accept that we are not our Defense, we do not feel compelled to act out indignation. This allows us to clarify what we are reacting to and handle it internally in our own time. Third, if we are accepting our own defensive nature, we are able to accept the defensive frameworks of others and recognize when they are defined by their behaviors. Fourth, we end up being more compassionate with them and do not take what they say personally by keeping it within the CNG. Fifth, we recognize and support their true, Authentic Expressions, which empowers us to align with their inner Truth. This ends up feeling supportive to them, rather than the usual distancing they experience with others.

Wisdom is the natural result of accepting our Truth in relationship to the Truth of others. Our truth and the Truth of others need to coexist if we are to be complete. The more we are open to our experience, the more clearly we see the Truth of others. This allows us to create mutual Truths and alliances that can empower our creative growth. One of the aspects of similarities is when we have common experiences, perspectives and ways of responding in the world. Most importantly, we learn how to trust others which, initially, is only to the degree they can trust themselves. Another key tool we develop at this level is the ability to agree that we are not in agreement. Being able to accept our differences without personalizing them is a huge opportunity. This is because we are no longer threatened by the Truths of others. We realize that no one can impose their Truth on us and we always have choice within our Truth and how we express it. We have built a capacity for greater Autonomy inside ourselves and, can now invite others (who would have been outside our comfort zone previously) to participate with us.

We break out of defensive patterns by unifying our self with the Universe. Since defensive Positions are fundamentally isolating and distance us from our connection with ourselves, we need to reverse this to experience the support of the Universe. The best way to accomplish this is to create a balanced connection within ourselves. This reflects Life, Light and Love energies, connecting our Self to a common space where we feel we are interacting with the Universe. We call this process setting up a Common Neutral Ground with our Self. The first step in this process is to be present and balanced within our selves. This is accomplished in three simple steps: We start with our Brow Center or Third Eye Center and use our fingers to touch this location. We then imagine setting up a circular energy flow between this chakra and our Root Center at the base of the spine. We create a necklace of energy rotating counter-clockwise, moving energy from our Brow Center to our Root Center and back up to our Third Eye.

We then touch our Throat Center and imagine our creative energy circulating to our Sacral Center, counterclockwise, and back to the Throat Center. As we establish these energy circles, we imagine them pulsating and hold them steady until the momentum is sufficient to maintain them. In order to complete the balancing and integration, we move to the third circle from our Heart Center to our Solar Plexus then back to the Heart. Imagine Love energy stabilizing and supporting our Creative Power. In each of these three locations, Third Eye, Throat and Heart, we are bringing into play higher, more inclusive Motives that help align and organize our lower centers. This establishes a more receptive integration of our energy fields so that when we focus on the center six inches above our heads, we can establish a six-inch bubble, where we invite higher, Universal energies to engage us. In some ways, this bubble is like a chalice, where we surrender to Universal Intent.

When we connect ourselves to the Universe, it permits us to have a greater exchange because we are no longer pushing the Universe away from our personal space. Since we always have the ability to isolate ourselves from the Universe, because we are co-creative elements within it, we may not have realized how this prevented us from receiving support. Defensive isolation is the source of most neuroses and the distortions of Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization. When we acknowledge that we are a Co-Creative Being, it is because we see the Universe as a partner in this experience. As such, we start to reflect on what we are doing and if it is serving the greater Common Good, or not. When we find ourselves being supported by others’ involvement in what we do, it is an indication that this is in alignment with Universal Intent. The opposite is also true.

We greatly assist the release of our Defenses when we are able to intellectually and emotionally embrace the masculine and feminine sides of our Nature. Since everyone initially has a Defense, we all need to widen the channels of our energy to be more inclusive and less reactive to what others say to us. This is most easily accomplished by recognizing that we have both a masculine and feminine point of view. The masculine point of view is usually task-oriented, time-focused and directive in its search for tools that provide ways to leverage things so they can be more effective. The feminine point of view is relationship-oriented, spatially focused, evoking creative responses based on inner connections that are not always obvious. Nurturing the Mystery of organic Life expression from the inside out is usually the feminine path. When we take on defensive Positions that reflect one of these points of view at the cost of another, it means we are limiting our own Creative Expression.

We all tend to gravitate to either masculine or feminine expressions of Life, Light and Love. What if we shifted this into mutual expressions of honoring our selves and others equally? What if we were able to see that we want every point of view represented to embrace the solutions needed in our future? Doing so prevents inappropriate, defensive projections of what is ‘right’ onto others. We need to open up a greater possibility that there is no such thing as ‘right or wrong’ in the pursuit of Truth. There are just more inclusive or less inclusive choices. We can be more inclusive by embracing mutual Truths rather than fixating on personal perspectives.

This shift within us is about seeing every aspect of ourselves, recognizing that we cannot love ourselves if we cannot honor our wholeness. We need to appreciate that we are striving to contribute more of who we are and let go of our Imprinting, Pretenses and Defenses. Most of the time, the process of learning who we are not consumes most of our life energy. In a relationship, we initially feel connected (even in our differences) through common mutual needs. As soon as we identify our authentic contribution, we do not have to compromise our selves by choosing co-dependent partners. This is why, at Higher Alignment, we initially work to make sure we know who we are creatively so we have a basis for expressing our Truth. The main recommendation is to not accept a premise about ourselves without first examining it fully. Internalize only what you resonate with energetically.

Healing Defenses means we can experience Self Respect and Self Esteem equally. Self Respect is a feminine embodiment, where we honor our potential and engage new opportunities without concern. Self Esteem is based on our track record and how we were able to make consistent improvements. This reflects the embodiment of the masculine because it is time-oriented and specific in terms of tasks being addressed and handled. We admire individuals with Self Esteem and Adore individuals with Self Respect. When the two are balanced, our ability to love ourselves is greater and it permits us to deeply love others. 

We can validate this by placing equal attention on both the Aliveness and Wisdom of those around us. When we are Defensive, as Dynamics, we Trust those with Aliveness. Disarming individuals accept others with Wisdom. The more we eliminate our Defenses, the more we centralize around our Primary Creative Expression, bringing more Aliveness and Wisdom to the fore. This integration process forces us to take our areas of weakness and make them more visible. Whenever we feel a twinge of self-judgment about our supposed weaknesses, this allows us to see we have more strength than we realize. By learning how to appreciate that our inner connections with others can allow us to relax into new creative possibilities, we bring out the best in a situation. Nowhere is this more apparent than when we realize that how others react is mainly a reflection of their own fears (and not about us).

On a positive side, it takes real courage to confront our Defenses and see through our pain. The more we disregard the reasons why we believe we need a Defense style, the more we can recover our capacity to connect with others and appreciate them as they are. Learning how to express our vulnerability, so that others can see our commitment to go beyond the limitations of our lives, awakens them to their own opportunities. Can we release ourselves from our Defenses, Pretenses and Imprints to actually become more real? Are we willing to step outside the comfort zone of our history and engage the future with a greater desire to live our lives fully and creatively? This takes determination, a degree of capacity to see and affirm our Creative Nature, and an ability to sacrifice the partial positions that we have held for so long as our complete truth.

Becoming more inclusive means owning where we are in our strengths and embracing the areas we consider a weakness. Again, we can see that having a single point of view creates a solitary, single solution or answer. Because a single perspective is not balanced, the resolution cannot be balanced. This is why we need to have several points of view to fully appreciate the upsides and downsides of a particular answer. Since a Defense is always a single point of view, it will always be unbalanced and inadequate in producing a balanced solution. If we are willing to re-examine our standards and see that the way we value our needs is different from others, it opens the door to being more balanced in our acceptance of potential solutions.

One way to integrate our perspective could be to look at how we differentiate our interior versus external experience. This means we need to stop looking at things from a one-sided, partial perspective. The masculine focuses us on our interior experience and taking-care of itself. The feminine focuses us on our exterior experience, making sure we are doing well with others. When we can balance both by simultaneously operating internally and externally, it allows us to integrate our perspective and to be non-defensive.

The more we see and appreciate the wholeness of our being, the less we are attracted to the opposite Defenses of others. The individuals previously attractive to us become repulsive. Our ability to tune into different types of Creative Expression increases. We start wondering why we were so insecure that we limited relationship choices to those Defenses and Creative Expressions that are polarizing to us. Only Investigator Expression types and individuals with Think First or Second Communication Processes reach this type of conclusion easily. Other Intelligence types tend to resist coming to an understanding of what creates their whole Truth. They tend to get caught up in Imprinting, where they adopt the patterns of their parents in order to get seen. The problem is that Imprinting may work at first but, over time, it loses any ability to be effective. The more we define ourselves in terms of false perspectives of who we are, the more we will buy into opposite-attraction models. To heal this, we need to open up our thinking and be curious about what could make our internal perceptions complete.

Just like our Thoughts and Emotions, the Truth itself is invisible. What we see are the results of our creations. We know and experience the Truth when it aligns with the Universe and expresses itself through us into the world. While Truth is commonly thought of as knowledge or a reflection of Wisdom, this is only a partial perspective of the Truth itself. This is because Truth manifests in everything we know. We move and operate in a universe created by Truth that is constantly perfecting itself by bringing order and consciousness into being. This struggle to bring order and consciousness into being is internalized when we identify with our Defenses and assert our personal views over others. The source of our illusion is the misguided perception that being controlled by our programming is a form of independence. When we struggle for Awareness or strive for any type of awakening, it is merely our attempt to let more Light into our experience and develop independence. Sometimes, the best way to make this transition is to dismiss all the separative thinking that previously guaranteed our success or survival.

The more we honor our Truth, the clearer we become about who we are. We are able to see ourselves not just by what we do, but also by how we think and what we are attracted to. This allows us to begin to predict courses of action and recognize how they could unfold. Until this occurs, we are not really conscious of our own Attractions. As with Motives, Attractions can be grouped in four levels and three types on each level. Instinctive Attractions like Sexy, Smart and Reliable are biologically encoded in our DNA to maximize biological diversity. Innocence, Strength and Personal Autonomy are intellectual Attractions that speak to our desire to prove ourselves as capable partners in the world. Acceptance, Personality-Self Rejection and Intimacy help us focus on what makes us uniquely human so others can see these qualities. Attractions return to Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness, where we recognize that Creative Chemistry with partners is ultimately the most satisfying choice.

At this level, we actually fall in love with the Defense of our partner, not their Creative Self. We believe that by helping our partner, we will come to deserve our own destiny. Instead of focusing on how we can contribute to each other, we focus instead on how our partner needs us.  Our need for Security preempts us from considering the real upside of the relationship. We also define ourselves as needing to acquire their Skills so that we can guarantee that they can’t hurt us if they leave us. We are defined as co-dependent, even though we seek to be more independent. The co-dependence creates a fixation on the negative side so that we are focusing on our Security. The need for Security causes us to fixate on acquiring things, people or places. Everything (including our partner) becomes objects to manage. We get addicted to mindless consumption and believe that the source of our stress is a lack of money, no matter how much money (or things) we have. This is why we often acquire things (as a substitute for real connection) only later to realize it that these do not mean anything to us. We only need to remember a time when we got something we thought we wanted, but immediately felt let down because it was not what we imagined.

On the second level of CNG, embodiment occurs when we know we have something to protect, but realize we can also easily manifest our own security. Level 2 is a constructed sense of integration where we trust our capabilities to manifest what we want. While it initially shows up as an intense desire to prove ourselves as capable, over time we are able to move from proving to accepting the truth of our own Nature. Proving means that we’re making an effort to show up externally in a different way than we internally see and accept ourselves. Until we can unify this duality there is no embodiment. We recognize our selves at this level by how much we need to do things on our own and cannot allow others to support us. We believe in the false notion that knowledge is power. We see knowledge as a way to manifest our defensive power, thinking that we can leverage circumstances to benefit us. To heal this, we need to think beyond our defensive Positions and accept our complete Truth, which is far more inclusive. Only when this occurs do we understand the difference between having power over someone versus mutually manifesting power with others. We can recognize this shift in how we move from insecurity and intensity to acceptance and wisdom.

In the CNG, we can unify our Feelings and Emotions even if we have not yet unified them internally. This eliminates any sharing of our Passion. Instead we emotionally push away or dump our unbalanced feelings and emotions on others because we do not have any space to respond. The value of a CNG, if we desire to use it to connect to others, is to air our differences in our self-perceptions allowing us to come into a more unified appreciation of our Truth. Initially, we might make one statement that reflects our emotional reality and another one that reflects our intellectual reality. From there we can see what possibilities emerge, and where they overlap. This is an interim way to make ourselves, and our process, more accessible to others and keep us from getting trapped in self-judgments that minimize our ability to be in our Truth. The big issue is to make the transition into holding our Truth in our own space so that it is available when needed. Some individuals find it easier to do this if they can lighten up their thinking, or focus their thinking by concentrating their thoughts. In lightening up our thinking, we expand the Context and give it more space to breathe. By concentrating it, we bring it together so it can more effectively line up with each element. This is a way of grounding ourselves and empowering the CNG to function more effectively.

In addition to integrating our Emotions and Thoughts when we manifest our Truth, we need to learn how to build it internally. Sometimes having conversations with our Self can lead to recognition of what our Truth is. The main issue is to be in harmony with our selves. Until we take ownership for eliminating the dualities of our Truth, we are always trying to present it externally, hoping others will agree with us, when what they think really does not matter. Being in unity with our Truth is satisfaction enough. Having a CNG, where we can share our Truth and receive whatever response we do, allows us to see what could work with another person in a mutual way. When talking with others, we do not gain any points or win anything by holding onto our perceptions. Our Truth is just our Truth. There is no Cracker Jack prize for being stubborn or trying to impose our Truth on others. This will just create negative reactions.

When we choose partners with opposite Compatibility Factors, it is an attempt to create the illusion of security. This type of comparative thinking lacks an ability to see the big picture. As a result, we keep getting caught in partial views of what we need that we can never fully manifest. As a result, we seek partners who we believe will value our contribution, only to find ourselves sabotaged by their need to be important and in control. This lesson is about having a great personal relationship, so we do not dump on others or look to them to complete us. The more we can affirm our own creativity and actually view ourselves as independent, the stronger we become in our capacity to contribute. It is also a way to build connections with another person without fixating on what they ‘mean’ to us. One of the main problems at this level is that we get hooked into loving the part of our partner that provides us security and placates our ego. We come to hate the part of our partner that needs to be reassured or supported in a way that compromises us.

Just imagine stripping away all of the intellectual Positions and perspectives of one of your friends to examine how you interact naturally with them. Without their information or expertise, could you appreciate this person and build rapport with them? For some of us, this would be very difficult, if not impossible, as we have come to count on how others do things for us. Sometimes their expertise becomes incorporated in our support system to the point that we forget it is not even our information base. We forget how much of what we know is a result of the people we know. This creates co-dependent patterns where we accentuate our independence but unconsciously define ourselves in terms of our need for support.

The opposite is also true, as some of us cut ourselves off from everyone and suffer because of it. In a CNG, we do not take on these Positions to reassure a partner. Instead, we lead by gracefully sharing our Truth without needing them to confirm our perceptions. This allows us to be more Autonomous since we do not need to be caretakers for our partner. If we choose our partner based on their capacity to understand and appreciate who we are, it is usually because we are choosing someone with the same Defense Style. This dramatically increases the odds that we are moving into the third level.

We make a transition out of the second level when we become clear about our own Truth and no longer need opposite-attraction partners to compensate for who we are. As long as we are not able to validate ourselves, we constantly seek to individuate by proving who we are to our partner. We want them to acknowledge us because it is a way to get seen for our success. This is actually a trap: we do not really want to win because it would mean that we constantly seek affirmation without any hope of true growth (a conceptual breakthrough beyond our defensiveness). What we want is the fantasy of affirmation without needing to further compromise ourselves. Since our partner seeks that same, we often find ourselves at an impasse.

Until we can stand in our Truth and operate from open Solitude, we will not experience security. Open Solitude is the capacity to independently establish our Truth so we are not compromising ourselves in terms of others, while simultaneously affirming an outgoing humility about what we do not know. There is no possibility for Growth until we are able to admit the unknown. We need to be sure we are engaging partners with sincerity and clarity about our commitment, rather than just accepting common societal assumptions that we demonstrate maturity only when we are in a relationship.

Choosing partners based on an alignment of Motives, Attractions and Relationship Skills would be much better than staying in compromised Opposite-Attraction relationships. Of course, the best solution would be to transform our existing relationships by manifesting the possibility that we could share our Truth and be uplifted by our differences. The biggest challenge with this is that we would have to find completely different reasons to be in relationship from what previously existed. We would need to be open to growth and change in terms of how we want to relate to each other. Otherwise, our increasing defensiveness would actually poison the relationship over time. The best option would be to start anew, so that we could see that the defensive patterns we have adopted are actually limiting our ability to relate to each other. This is why we recommend the Advanced Defensive Healing Course.

We eliminate Subjectification and Defensiveness by being harmless. Harmlessness is the capacity to see ourselves and others in our wholeness so that we are not displacing anger or ideas on others in a way that will be compromising. The challenge here is that different individuals have different degrees of sensitivity where things can become harmful. We recommend not saying things when we are upset or out of balance. Instead, we encourage individuals to work through the reaction that they are having within themselves so that they can get clear about what does and does not work within the circumstances. Only when we know our truth should we actually consider sharing it. Secondly, how we share it can make a big difference. If we personalize the problem, it will likely create reactions; others will believe we are trying to use our influence to get them to agree with us. Instead, we have to do the opposite, suggesting that our truth is just one perspective, and we are not in any way attempting to influence their perception by advocating a particular option.

Harm is really the misuse of leverage or influence. While it may not be obvious, we can be harmful when we Objectify, Subjectify, or Idealize others. Every Defensive Distortion attempts to manipulate perceptions for its benefit. While it may seem okay in certain situations, the closer you look, the more out of balance it is. When we are Objectifying the Beauty of a person, do we not actually make them a victim of the circumstances? When we call out a particular quality, is that quality being called out to offset some other perceived deficiency? In other words, why do we need to distract ourselves from our insecurities to emphasize strengths if what we actually are is naturally beautiful, truthful and good? The currency of these affirmations and covert denials cover up a society that is fixated on superficiality. The fact that we use these things to delineate our interest or lack of interest shows us how much our consciousness has been impacted by the choices of the people we have around us.

Common Neutral Ground facilitates our ability to distinguish who we are from what we know. Who we are is an agent of Universal Intent. We learn how to make an impact and a contribution by recognizing the domain we operate in. Some would characterize this as a world of Thought where we take ownership of a small piece so we can contribute to manifesting some new reflection of it. We build this ability to contribute by recognizing and expanding our conscious limits. One of the first expansions we recommend is creating a separate space for our relationships. This reduces confusion and allows us to grow quickly. Importantly, it allows us for clarification of our reactions from those of others. It also sets us on the path of realizing the differences in perspective that create their own reflections of the larger Truth around us. This means we are no longer surprised when others see the world differently than we do.

Case Study #2

Case Study #2: Honoring Your Truth And Growth Needs

Anne and Edward have been married for 13 years. When they describe their relationship, they claim to be comfortable. What they are really saying is that they have built a structure of security with each other that seems to work. From our perspective, Edward became defined by his work life and in fulfilling his role as a father, which consumes him. Anne has a part-time career and has also raised two children and is now not sure what the future holds for her. The real problem is that Anne and Edward have grown apart and they have expressed little or no aspiration to find a better way of operating. They have not only defined themselves in terms of their roles as parents, but as breadwinners in an increasingly unpredictable, uncertain society. The responsibility is wearing more on Anne as she feels that she needs some sort of meaning in her life. She has realized that having children was a gift, but that she needs something more to feel fulfilled. Edward feels overwhelmed by her constant questions and concerns.

Anne begins trying to make a difference in her life by re-igniting her romantic and sexual partnership with Edward. She thinks that if she could feel more passion, that it could awaken new possibilities for her. This is interpreted by Edward as placing more demands on him and does not go well. She then attempts to have more connection through her work as a part-time architect. However, she gets little or no encouragement from her supervisor, who states that the company does not want to increase their expenses or the number of hours she is working. What is worse, her supervisor does not think there is a future in the type of architecture she is doing. Finally, she tries to find something she could do to distract her from the repetitive cycles of interactions repeating in her life. For a while, she becomes involved in a fundraising project for a local non-profit foundation and also doing service work at the library. All this leads to an increasing amount of depression because she feels isolated, unappreciated and always misunderstood.

What Anne does not realize is that the type of security she has achieved is not fulfilling for her. Mostly, this is due to the fact that the things she is doing are mainly what her family expected her to do. By not defining herself as her own person, she has become submerged in the needs of others. This allows little time for Solitude and personal creativity. What’s worse is that she feels increasingly distanced from her husband because he does not share her concerns or sense of direction. This leads to arguments where the gulf between them seems even larger. Edward, on the other hand, is doing what he can to make things work based on his own conditioning and need to perform. He feels trapped trying to live up to the expectations of others and unable to break out of the roles and patterns he has between his business partners, his wife and his work life. The draining aspect of the relationship is how, in the search to individualize themselves, each partner feels compromised by the other. What was initially an attractive, secure framework has become a prison, minimizing their growth.

After she goes to a psychiatrist to get some help, Anne ends up in a support group where she realizes she has no real mission in life. She starts exploring what would make her more passionate and engage life more directly. She notices that she has not been telling her truth fully and that she tends to let others define her options. This soul-searching sparks her interest in understanding people, which encourages her to enroll in a series of psychology courses at the local college. She becomes an observer, watching the patterns in her husband and family. She becomes able to predict when they are overwhelmed, when they need to move forward and when they need breaks. This process helps her to accept her own needs more. She also becomes clear about her defensive patterns and how she is actually the cause of her own isolation. This leads to more direct conversations with her husband about his aspirations, as well as her own. She learns to listen more deeply to her children, clients and boss. Over time, she becomes more confident about herself and gains clarity about what she really wants to do. She notices a positive change in the behavior of others towards her as she becomes more intimate and vulnerable.

While Anne is doing much better, there is still the fundamental question she needs to answer: “Does she want to take more risk in shifting careers to become a therapist?” or “Can she use the better understanding of herself to just enrich the life she has?” If she accepts the former, she will have to go back to school and potentially redefine her relationship with her husband. With the latter, she will need to see if she can make what she has currently manifested work for her enough to experience the passion she is seeking. In both of these situations, it is her growth requirement that was originally causing her so much distress. She realizes that if she proceeds in her growth, it will likely cause turbulence in the family because it will require others to adjust to her greater Autonomy. In this case, she will start moving into Level 3, while her husband is more likely to stay at Level 2. The more she takes responsibility for her Truth and can assess how well her Truth will be accepted in her life, the easier her choice will be. Ultimately, our sense of ourselves is usually defined by the content of our experience, which means that we need to have a relationship to the choices we make about how we want to show up with others. Without choice, there is no real Intimacy.