Relationship Skills Introduction

How many times do we have to confront differences in relationships before we become comfortable doing it? What is the reason why others do not see and accept us for who we are? Why does it bother us when our partners need to do their own thing and do not connect with us? Why do our fears drive us to quit engaging others when circumstances change? Why do we feel frustrated that our partner is keeping us from feeling fulfilled? With more than 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it is necessary to develop conscious practices that validate the quality and nature of our relationships. What we need is conscious Connection, Communication, Co-Measurement and Communion. We develop these talents by healing our own Attachments, Positions and Projections. We need the ability to understand our own flexibility without getting caught in the trap of co-dependence.

Autonomy is the ability to tell our truth and express our creative nature in the face of perceived adversity. When we accept our creative being and neutralize our defensive beliefs about how others won’t accept, admire or adore us, we will be able to communicate harmlessly and with power. Intimacy is the ability to be present with another without compromising them or us. When we can be transparent or non-reactive and reflect back to others their experience, they can go deeper into themselves. Intimacy allows us to experience how to learn together, so our presence with each other becomes synergistic. Co-Creativity is the ability to creatively align with another. When we know how to honor the creative differences and similarities in others and they can be with us without reacting to our creative differences and similarities, then we can commune and create with others.

The twelve skills empower us to be with others without losing our Selves. This first requires that we accept and love ourselves as we are. Each level of skills reflects a group of three that come together to empower certain life lessons. On the Gender Identity level, the issues are about being seen in our masculine and feminine attractiveness. Aliveness represents our core masculine identity and Wisdom represents our core feminine power. Combining these two produces Growth, the unification or our masculine and feminine. On the Individuation level, the issues are about owning our uniqueness and ability to contribute. Playfulness represents our ability to move out of role-playing and Personality Detachment represents our ability to acknowledge that we are more than our outer image. Combining these two produces Autonomy, where we learn how to differentiate outer growth from inner growth and are able to communicate harmlessly and with power.

On the Connection level, the issues are about consciously learning how to be with others and support them. Paradox represents our ability to use inner correspondences and patterns to see the connections between different types of knowing (physical, emotional and intellectual); Intuitive Discrimination reflects our ability to refrain from pre-judgment so we are present and conscious in our choice(s). Combining these two creates Intimacy, where we don’t have to agree in order to experience alignment without compromise in the relationship. On the Higher Alignment level, the issues are about the degree of unification or love we experience in our interactions with each other. Mutual Learning represents our confidence that we will be seen and accepted as we are by our partner and Physical Discernment represents our inner knowing about how and when to interact. Combining these two produces Co-Creative opportunities to bring together our inner and outer experiences in a more congruent way.

Embodying and expressing our creative energy allows us to operate with others in ways that are abundant and fulfilling. The more we are denying our creative energies, the more positional, closed down and limited we are in our interactions with others. We call this operating without skill because we experience no flexibility when problems arise. The greater our skills, the easier it is to offset compatibility and life work differences. May we recognize and embrace the twelve skills that enrich and empower our experience of Common Neutral Ground.

Relationships can be segmented into four layers by the degree of Consciousness exhibited. We name these four levels of Consciousness in terms of the relationship patterns exhibited: Unconscious Entanglements, Status Quo Contracts, Partners in Process and Spiritual Partnerships. These roughly correspond with Instinctive lessons (Gender Identity exploration); Intellectual lessons (Individuation discoveries); Idealization lessons (Relationship Connections) and Intuitive lessons (Higher Alignment creative synergies). On Instinctive levels we focus on developing our Beauty and Aliveness while minimizing our attachment to physical form. On the Intellectual level we focus on developing our Truth and Wisdom while minimizing Positions where we substitute knowledge for Wisdom. On the Idealized level we focus on developing our Goodness and Awareness while minimizing our Projections on others. On the Intuitive level we integrate the lessons of Beauty, Truth and Goodness to become Conscious co-creators in the world.

These levels of Consciousness also relate to the Mastery of Intent (motivations), Content (attractions) and Context (skills). We learn to express our Life Energy and Beauty by a clear expression of Intent. This Intent (or movement) helps us survive. We learn to express our Light, Energy and Wisdom by a complex and prioritized sense of Content. This pursuit of knowledge helps us succeed in the outer world. We learn to express Love Energy or Goodness by an integrated set of skills that differentiate our inner and outer Experiences. It is our ability to reorganize our Experience to see multiple perspectives simultaneously (without judgment) that kick starts our creative Consciousness. This Growth in Consciousness is facilitated on the Instinctive level by Physical Discernment, on the Intellectual level by Personality Detachment and on the idealized level by Intuitive Discrimination.See DiagramSkillful Partnering – Big Picturefor how the pieces all fit together.

In the preceding paragraphs, we have described four layers of lessons in terms of four levels of Consciousness. We can also view this in terms of three silos (Growth paths) of development: Masculine, Feminine and a combination of the two. It is critical to recognize that every human being is a combination of Masculine and Feminine that goes beyond the Gender Identity of male and female. The more we integrate our Masculine and Feminine, the more we grow in the ability to respond to our environment. Evolution is a concept where we constantly mature and develop as a race due to the exploration of new possibilities. As individuals, we tend to grow as a result of resolving cognitive dissonances within ourselves. As Ken Wilber states, we develop in ‘holonic’ or a systematic manner from one stage to the next, each with a greater degree of complexity and responsiveness. His term ‘holons’ conveys the reality that Consciousness is an ever-growing state of expression and cognition. Biologists have been able to prove that all Growth occurs in Cycles. The theory of Dissipative Structures illustrates that all Growth is non-linear, requiring discontinuity between each stage. We propose that there are three silos (Growth paths) and four levels of actualization.

At each stage of development, we are able to engage and respond with greater capacity and awareness. Negative life circumstances (traumatic illness, injury or depression, etc.) can weigh us down, reflecting that we rise and fall in our Consciousness more often than we realize. How we present ourselves is also a reflection of our inner energy, timing and sense of

space. If any one of these is compromised, we contract and fall back to any earlier stage of development where things were simpler. Some of us, without realizing it, stretch ourselves across these chasms and try to respond on multiple levels simultaneously. This usually makes us ineffective at any level, which reflects the perspective that we need to concentrate on one or two areas at a time to maximize our development. The key point to appreciate is that it is easier to recover Balance and maximize our ability to contribute or respond to others when we remember our innate abilities and express ourselves authentically. The rise and fall of our awareness is the result of changes in the degree of integration and responsiveness to our immediate lessons. What we discover is that there are layers of lessons, one on top of another, that assist in our developing and maintaining awareness.

The elements that anchor our lessons are Motives (how we respond to Growth opportunities), Attractions (what we perceive we want), and Skills (how we embody these opportunities). Motives are the organizing framework that we build externally to validate our existence. Our ‘self’ perception of Motives reflects how we believe others will respond to us. Any attachment creates an expectation of how we need to act to get others to respond to us in an optimal way. Motives are actually attachments to certain frameworks of expectations. Attractions are the way we negotiate with others to get what we want. Unconscious attractions are either positive or negative, based on our self-perception of strengths vs. weaknesses. In this way, Attractions reflect our personality power positions where we are able to leverage others on the basis of what they need from us. Skills are principled strategies, self-perceptions and development tools to embrace our creative nature. They reflect pivot points or new doorways where unusual Contextual integration occurs. This Projection of Consciousness allows us to see and navigate the larger picture beyond our personality perception. The primary opportunity is to use our similarities to build creative connectedness.

Consciousness grows by combining and integrating Intent, Content and Context. As we master each level of Consciousness, we become more fluid and flexible in our response. Motives help us focus on our body awareness, demonstrated by a clear Intent and the ability to discern new possibilities. The more we are integrated in our Motives, the more sophisticated and complex are our expressions. We refine Motives by being present to our Sensations and Feelings. On the Feminine side, Motives expand and are refined by our ability to Trust others. On the Masculine side, Motives expand and are refined by our ability to be in Unity with others. Overall, Motives grow and are refined by our capacity to participate with others without losing our sense of Self. The more we integrate ourselves in terms of Motivations, the greater is our sense of integration, which is reflected in being able to manage our energy without wild fluctuations. The twelve Motives are listed below:

On an Unconscious level, our attractions reflect the belief that we need to acquire from others what we internally deny. Our ability to accept and embody our attractions is what builds the capacity to operate in the world. Whatever we deny creates insecurity, which leads to addictive negative substitutes. Denial of our Beauty creates the attraction of Excitement. Denial of Truth creates the attraction of Intensity. Denial of Goodness creates the attraction of Anxiety. When we release ourselves from these denials, we find that the true attractions of Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness emerge. Along the way, we need to learn how to be Balanced in our Connection to Pleasure, Power and Passion. When this occurs, our lessons become more clear and identifiable.

Attractions help us focus on our lessons, which are perceived in terms of Emotions and Thoughts. Any denial or discounting of Emotions or Thoughts creates fragmentation in terms of our ability to engage our life lessons. We are able to grow and integrate our attractions when we do not sabotage ourselves by ignoring our repulsions. On the Feminine side, attractions originate on an Instinctive level with what we consider to be outwardly sexy and evolve into an inward Appreciation of Beauty. On the Masculine side, attractions originate on the Instinctive level with the outer appearance of cleverness, and evolve to an inner Appreciation of Truth. Overall, attractions originate with an outward need for Safety, Security and Reliability, which we discover needs to come from an inner Acceptance of our Goodness and Self Awareness. The more we integrate our attractions, the more quickly we see opportunities where we can be met by others with similar qualities and Intentions. The twelve Attractions are listed below:

Skills help us focus on manifesting what frees us from Attachments, Positions and Projections. This occurs because we become more integrated in our Feelings and Emotions and more Balanced in our mind and body. You may have noticed that the highest Intuitive Attractions are also the Instinctive building blocks of Skills. This reflects how we need to integrate and neutralize our personality Fears and Desires before our creative power can emerge. Skills reflect principles where we go beyond personal needs and interact with the Universe as its agent. On the Feminine side, we transmute attachments to physical things by taking personal responsibility for them and developing opportunities for service. On the Masculine side, we transform Intellectual positions by going beyond fixations of what we know, to discover how to know without relying on expectations and Beliefs. When we bring the Masculine and the Feminine together, we develop principles for connecting, communicating, co-measuring and being with others in a Conscious Communion state. The more we are able to Consciously connect to our Motives and Attractions, the more effectively we use Skills to manifest what we desire. The higher the Skills, the more we are able to maintain a Conscious Connection to the Universe, which enables us to manifest what we desire more effectively. The key point to remember is that skills are Contextual shifts of perception that come from an internal vision of what is actually possible.

Being able to determine where our natural alignment appears is a good first step in this assessment process. This type of alignment focuses on motives then expands to include common lessons and skills. Motives provide the instigating Intent that allows us to grow and embrace new lessons. The twelve motives are Greed, Arrogance, Lust, Personal Dominion, Personal Achievement, Self-Centered Activity, Idealized Trust, Idealized Unity, Idealized Co-Creativity, Universal Dominion, Mutual Accomplishment and Conscious Participation. As these names suggest, there are many ways to synchronize with others. These Motives reflect differences in Gender Identity development and levels of consciousness. When we do not notice the differences between others and ourselves in terms of our Motives; Connection, Communication and Co-Measurement with our partners is lacking. Being able to self-reflect in Motives is what moves us toward being able to consciously connect with others.

The twelve Skills empower conscious partnering. Skills give us the self-understanding of what is needed to consciously connect with others. Each Skill level tells us how we distort our interactions. The lessons revealed help keep us from becoming entangled and teach us how to consciously embrace our partners. Consider the value of being able to identify (in advance) where things will be difficult or where we might get caught up in Objectification, Subjectification or Idealization about the relationship. Since each Skill contains a particular way to bring out the best in us, the more Skills we possess, the more flexible and fluid we become. It is easy to see how they can contribute to balancing our experiences of Self and others. How do we know when we are aligned with someone else? What is it about a relationship that brings out our fears and frustrated desires? This supports us in understanding where we are in our own lessons so we can appreciate the lessons of others.

Recognizing the Layers of Lessons

When we operate on the Instinctive level, we learn to transmute Excitement into Aliveness and overcome Fears of the unknown. On the larger level our Connection to Life Energy helps us appreciate our physical form and see the Beauty in everything around us. The pursuit of Beauty affirms our Life expression and rewards us with pleasure. To achieve Consciousness on the Life Energy level, we have to go beyond outer appearances and build our own sense of Beauty from within. Aliveness is then tempered by Wisdom, which allows us to grow. Since the Instinctive level is so focused on resourcing our material framework, Feminine energy is its zenith. We can validate this by the degree we focus on how others Respect us. Also, in its zenith are the use of Instinctive Motives—Greed, Lust and Arrogance—which are Unconscious behavioral expressions of Intent. What drives this activity are the Instinctive Attractions: sexy, smart and being considered reliable by our Partner. Our Gender Identity often keeps us from implementing and integrating the Feminine and Masculine expressions. The more we are caught up in Fears of rejection and the need for confirmation of our physicality, the more Safety predominates our choices. The more we integrate both our Masculine and Feminine sides, the more quickly we complete the inner Connection lessons and move into the Intellectual level.

When we operate on the Intellectual level, we learn to transform Intensity into Wisdom. We need to prove ourselves as more, better or different than others to overcome our concerns about our place in the world. When we are not able to hold our own Truth, our Fears and the desire to be seen drive us to take Positions that are incomplete expressions of our Truth. Attempts to convince others of our Truth are actually ways we prevent them from seeing our insecurities about what we know. The more our ego takes charge and pushes us beyond our comfort zones by seeking greater status and success, the more we find ourselves lost in ideas of who we need to be. At this stage, our tension becomes visible and we are driven to be more competitive because our sense of Security is based on how others perceive what we do. We take positions as a way to consolidate self-perceptions about our power in the world. The result is greater Illusion and the subjectification of others by making them conform to our identity.

The Motives of Personal Dominion, Personal Achievement and Self Serving Activity drive us to explore what is real vs. unreal. We adopt strategies of innocence or strength to differentiate ourselves from others. In relationships, we learn the importance of effective communication. We also come to understand the dilemma of losing ourselves in how others define us. During this process we learn to distinguish our creative nature from our Safety, Security and success programming. It is our Attraction to Innocence, Personal Autonomy and Strength on the Intellectual level that reflects our personality attachments. On the Intellectual level, attractions are at their strongest. The more we use our Attractions to leverage others to participate the way we want, the more leverage we believe we have. When we Balance and neutralize our stories of Innocence or Strength, recognizing that we do not need to apply leverage to be powerful, the more quickly we move into the next state (Idealization lessons).

We focus on Content because it provides a sense of Security (which is, in reality, an Illusion). Our desire for Truth pushes us to go beyond simple (outer) understanding so we can unify with the inner Light of knowing. This focuses us more in Masculine expressions, where we evolve by differentiating ourselves from others. Our power seems to grow the more effectively we can manipulate the world to serve our Desires. We validate this focus on the Intellectual level by our self Consciousness about how others Esteem us. It is our ability to improve our circumstances through purposeful planning that helps us appreciate and value our intelligence. It also encourages us to develop our unique type of knowing so we can effectively contribute to others.

To go beyond Intellectual understanding, we need to recognize that the power of our humanity is best amplified through creative interactions with others. We develop the Skills of Playfulness and Personality Detachment so we can take ownership of our own truth and learn to bear the consequences of who we truly are. This does not prevent us from being resourceful and accumulating material possessions in order to give us the Feelings of Security that we seek. It teaches us the differences between personality vs. transpersonal desire. Personality Detachment, producing an Acceptance of our Truth and the ability to appreciate the free choices others make, then modulates inner and outer Playfulness. This sets us on the path of interacting with others in a more Idealized way.

When we operate on the Idealized level, we learn to transfigure Anxiety into Awareness. We discover that Context is the third ingredient of Consciousness and that the more we can own who we are as we are, the more we can see deeply into those around us. The Attractions of Self-Acceptance and Self-Rejection lead to an opening of possibilities with others in creative relationships that were never previously imagined. We come to understand that Self-Acceptance is a requirement for Conscious Connection with others. We learn to Love ourselves completely in order to Love others. For this reason Love becomes the dominant issue in the selection of Partners when Idealization is prevalent. This also means we have to be Conscious about our repulsions, or our choices default to whatever we want to believe. If we do not have a choice about what repulses us, it indicates we are still caught in Unconscious conditioning. Learning how to deal with these Upper Boundary Limits (where we sabotage ourselves rather than release the Illusion of control) allows us to transcend our Idealized Projections. We also learn to accurately assess how to honor, Esteem and Respect our own development.

The way beyond our Personality Projection and Idealized frameworks is to complete and release us from our story. We have to die to our personality stories in order to give birth to our authentic creative expression. Challenging our internal status quo to define our Self in an expressive and creative manner precipitates this shift. It recognizes that who we are is not our history but a creative spirit that engages life directly. The key to success is not taking the past ideas of us seriously. Instead, we open up to constant reinvention while avoiding self-reinforcing perception that we have figured out. This keeps us open to examining our Experience, moment to moment, because we know that any kind of certainty is only our personality seeking to reassert control over us. A primary indicator (that we are taking on the possibility) is how we distance ourselves from others’ perceptions of us. The less we reinforce others’ perceptions of us, the freer our creative expression.

Another indicator is our ability to now see how we have discounted or not cared for ourselves in multiple ways (physically, Emotionally, mentally, spiritually). This shift is accompanied by a new form of self-compassion that supports us in honoring what we need. The more abundantly we Love ourselves, the more naturally we Love and value others. The more we are dedicated to the Conscious collective being of the planet, the easier it is for us to Experience the benefits of being a part of humanity. It is our natural Goodness emerging that creates both Forgiveness of ourselves (to heal our past) and Forgiveness of others (to engage our future). What we need to accomplish is the see the perfection in how things are currently being expressed, recognizing that everything is occurring as it should. The Paradox is that while it may not seem pretty, everything that occurs is teaching us what we need to know to become Conscious Collaborators.

While Motives, formed by Intent and Attractions are mirror images of our lessons, Skills are the result of mastering Context. Three Skills shift us into learning on a deeper level about people. They are Paradox and Intuitive Discrimination, which lead to greater Intimacy. To be effective, we need first to master these skills within ourselves. Paradox allows us to appreciate that the Truth is not necessarily logical or simple but actually multi-dimensional and complex. Intuitive Discrimination teaches us that when we see certain patterns in others, we can also affirm that these patterns operate within us. In this way we learn not to judge or fixate on proving ourselves different than others. Intimacy is the ability to take risks in sharing ourselves in order to discover what we have in common. On the Idealized level, Feminine energy is in its zenith and exploration of the mysteries of humanity teach us what we do not yet know. Our natural humility is tested when we begin to struggle with the Inequality Trap where we Unconsciously compare ourselves to others. The main issue is that in seeking Trust, Unity and Co-Creation we continue to project how others should be rather that taking ownership for what we want and how we want to create it. Unconscious Projection of our goals upon others creates a dramatic response when our Partners are not aligned with us.

As we own our Intuitive creative nature, Motives (Intent), Attractions (Content) and Skills (Context) are equal and balanced. We use the Motives of Universal Dominion, Mutual Accomplishment and Conscious Participation to set in play Intents that are co-creative. We also recognize that the Attractions of Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness bring together and unify the lessons we share. Without common lessons, nothing changes. Finally, it is the Context of Mutual Learning skills Balanced against Physical Discernment that allows us to identify the best co-creative response we could have with others. This means our capacity to learn with them is modulated by our ability to internalize and ground ourselves in our physical well being. Whenever the two are out of Balance, it means minimal Growth. As we have stated before, it is the ability to integrate our inner knowing that makes possible the expression of our outer understanding.

Looking At Our Lessons

Overall, what we observe is that Motives help guide and direct our Thinking and hence reflect clearly any energy imbalances within us. The more we are caught up in lower Motives, the less integrity our system exhibits. Our denial of higher Motives minimizes co-creative Connections with others because it establishes a competitive or compromised exchange. Becoming Conscious of how our Motives get out of sync opens us up to seeing how we end up with compromised or mixed results. To the degree we hold back or deny our attractions is the degree we allow ourselves to be supported by what we want. Lower attractions operate from scarcity, which sets us up to try to manipulate circumstances to get what we want. It is time to recognize how we hold ourselves back by lowering our expectations or reducing the flow of energy of ‘what we want’. It is also important to realize that we maximize energetic integrity by balancing the Masculine and Feminine Motives at each step of the hierarchy.

On the Motive level, the Feminine side evolves from Greed to Personal Dominion to Idealized Trust to Universal Dominion. On the Masculine side we grow from Arrogance to Personal Achievement to Idealized Unity to Mutual Accomplishment. When we unify our Masculine and Feminine we grow from Lust to Self Serving Activity to Idealized Co-Creation to Conscious Participation. To have more energetic integrity, we need to discover how best to support the evolution of our Intent by manifesting Conscious motivations at the highest level. In short, we need to recognize and hold higher possibilities to be seen by others rather than anchoring ourselves in lower Motives. By accepting and engaging the dissonance in others, when they operate in lower Motives, we preserve our option to engage others on a higher level. We maximize our integrity by integrating and balancing our Masculine and Feminine sides.

Our sense of time is modulated by our capacity to Experience our lessons. The more quickly we recognize and honor our lessons, the more we Experience control over time. This is called Pregnant Duration where the sense of time shifts and we can either Experience eternity in a few moments or a few moments can expand over an eternity. Since Attractions are at the base of our Experience of lessons, being able to integrate increasingly sophisticated types of Attraction reveals the complexity of the lessons we are seeking to master. On the other hand, simple, non-complex Attractions tend to bore and even repulse us when what we want to learn does not measure up to the Experience. Disconnection and boredom usually tip us off that this is occurring. We also Experience this effect when we want something and upon receiving it, realize it is not what we Thought it would be.

When we deny Attractions, it limits and constrains possibilities in a similar way to lower Motives. The lowest Attractions (Sexy, Smart, Reliable) are genetic programming that guarantees the procreation of the species. Each successive layer expands our capacity to relate to people in different ways. In the Feminine Holon we develop from Sexy to Innocence to Self-Acceptance to Wisdom. In the Masculine Holon we develop from Smart to Strength to Self-Rejection to Aliveness. When we balance the Feminine and Masculine holons we develop from Reliable to Personal Autonomy to Personal Intimacy to Awareness. While it may appear that the Masculine and Feminine sides preserve and reinforce gender distinctions, we can see many examples where women adopt stronger Masculine Attractions and men adopt softer Feminine Attractions. This Attraction Dynamic has seen everything switch during the last fifty years.

It is only when we have the capacity to appreciate the sophistication of the Attractions of Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness that we are able to manifest a semblance of our creative power in organizing and attracting people to us who will help us complete our lessons. It is important to remember that it is our ownership of these Attractions that sets the stage for having the best Partners. What would be best is to own all of the Intuitive Motives in a Balanced manner so we attract Balanced Partners. Otherwise, taking one position tends to attract co-dependent Partners who take the opposite position. In this way, our lack of Strength attracts us to those who seem strong and our Innocence attracts us to those who deny their Innocence. We see many examples where the bad boy or girl acts out a reverse attraction process.

Our sense of inner space grows and becomes more sophisticated when we adopt particular skills in how we see others and ourselves. Each skill creates a doorway to another type of Connection. If we do not develop a spacious inner Connection to this doorway, it is difficult to let others in. The Feminine skills or doorways are Wisdom, Personality Detachment, Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment. The Masculine skills from bottom to top are Aliveness, Playfulness, Paradox and Mutual Learning. What differentiates the Masculine from the Feminine is that the Masculine promotes engagement and the Feminine promotes self-reflection. It is interesting that the Masculine side of the expression moves from an undeveloped individualism to greater interactive group activity while the undeveloped Feminine initially operates from group Consciousness, then evolves into strong personal Autonomy. You may recall that these ‘holons’ require foundational skill blocks (lower skills) to be manifested before additional skill levels can be embodied.

The co-creative skills are Growth, Autonomy, Intimacy and Co-Creativity. Growth is the outcome of Aliveness and Wisdom, which moves us beyond Unconscious Entanglements. Autonomy is the result of Playfulness and Personality Detachment, which moves us beyond Status Quo contractual relationships. Intimacy is the integration of Paradox and Intuitive Discrimination, which moves us beyond the Partners in Process stage. Co-Creativity is the integration of Mutual Learning and Physical Discernment, which represents the Balance of Attractions and Motives Respectively. The more deeply we manifest these skills, the more Conscious our Connections with others become. Spiritual Partnership is the result of a Conscious Connection with everyone in every situation. It is the most holistic, flexible and responsive way of being with others.

Growing Up

As we have stated, Consciousness grows when we bring together Intent, Content and Context to own our lessons. This means that all twelve combinations of the three actually create an opportunity to maximize Growth. We will now discuss what the learning opportunity is in each one of the twelve lessons:

1. Owning Our Knowing: Arrogance, Smart, Aliveness – Arrogance is the attempt to look Smart which helps us engage our true inner knowing. The more we can move beyond information or knowledge as Content and begin to see that our Aliveness and the ability to respond in the moment is our true knowing, the more we transcend this lesson. This becomes obvious when others are attracted to us for our ability to respond in our knowing, moment-to-moment. Honoring our natural intelligence releases the pressure to perform. On a larger level, this process helps us integrate our Primary, Secondary and Mental Body Intelligence into one unique expression.


2. Acceptance of Our Needs: Greed, Sexy, Wisdom – Through Greed, we are attracted to rich Life Experiences that help us to embody our earthly physical form. The more we find others who reflect this attraction back to us, the more we see how sexual attractions are not based on appearance but on how we connect. We know we have mastered this lesson when others see our sexiness and we are not attached to a particular way of appearing to please others. Wisdom is the embodiment of this attraction without compromising ourselves by pursuing it. Ultimately, this lesson teaches us to own both our inner and Outer Beauty. When this occurs, we see the Beauty in everything around us.


3. Being Present with Possibilities: Lust, Reliability, Growth –Lust is the pandering after and attachment to a particular way of connecting that has maximum Excitement and minimum Aliveness. Moving from Lust to Reliability requires us to show up in a way that is inconsistent with our old attachments. We need to stop associating our Connection based on appearances. Otherwise, we get caught in circular objectification patterns that never satisfy us. The more we show up, the more we discover that relationships can respond to our unique way of engaging. This teaches us that Growth is the more effective way of moving into a state of being with another. If we cannot grow, we become bored. If we do grow, we no longer need fixed frameworks of attractions to reinforce the relationship. Ultimately, we have to know that creative attractions are more important than sexual chemistry.


4. Letting Go of Appearances: Personal Achievement, Strength, Playfulness – Personal Achievement is the Commitment to prove our self and our value in the world. It operates from the perspective that we need to compete to survive. The more we push forward, the more we discover our Strength and accept our power. This means we do not have to compete to be strong nor do we have to perform to be effective. Ultimately, our Strength is reflected in the results produced, which can be best accomplished in a Playful manner. We discover that outer positions are not strengths, as true Strength is able to flow and respond to a situation. This precipitates a crisis if we need others to confirm who we are to be who we are. Ultimately, we learn to understate and not fixate on objectives, but enjoy the process for its adventure.


5. Transcending Our Attachments: Personal Dominion, Innocence, Personality Detachment – Personal Dominion initially originates from a sense of entitlement. Until we confront our expectations and recognize that the world treats us in many different ways, we do not get over this sense of entitlement. Recognizing that Innocence is a way to hide out and not take responsibility for our true Desires, we learn to speak up for our needs. The more we lose ourselves in our needs, the less effective we are at manifesting them. Letting go of Beliefs about what we need allows us to create a true relationship with others in that it opens up possibilities for manifesting true Connections. When we Sacrifice the old to engage the new, we are regenerated. This is called Personality Detachment. It allows us to move into a new way of expressing ourselves moment-to-moment without reference to the past or what we believe is needed to be accepted. Ultimately, it is not what we have that matters to others, but how we uniquely express ourselves with them.


6. Accepting Our Lessons as They Show Up: Self-Serving Activity, Personal Autonomy, Autonomy – Self-serving Activity (which is where we do things to keep busy) helps us recognize what we like and want so we are able to manifest these things without compromise or distortion. A part of us seeks to prove that we can act all on our own, showing we do not need others to be okay. This leads us to consider that it is okay to need others and it is not a compromise to enjoy their Presence. What occurs is that attractions to compromised independent people isolate us from the interactions we really desire (if we are Autonomous). When we move from self-serving activity, where people are interchangeable, to actually appreciating the uniqueness of individuals, it open us up to our own natural contribution. We learn to value what we creatively contribute, which is more important than being accepted defensively by others. Ultimately, we choose people who can creatively connect to us.


7. Stop Projecting How Things Should Be: Idealized Unity, Self-Rejection, Paradox – Idealized Unity is the desire to enforce a projected belief that a common purpose is bigger than our personal needs. In order to clarify what is the common good versus serving our personal good, we have to be willing to reject that which is smaller and petty. This Self-Rejection process is therefore also a creative affirmation of what is best in us. On the opposite scale, egoic rule diminishes our authentic creative expression. When we understand that denying our personality’s full reign is actually an opening for greater personal Creativity, we will be more able to see the value and power of Paradox. Paradox shifts us into a multi-dimensional Experience of the truth. This means that many people can simultaneously hold incongruent Beliefs while still holding the possibility of everything coming together. Ultimately, we learn that we need to Consciously embrace differences to be transfigured by them, creating the fulfillment of Unity in practice.


8. Start Accepting the Perfection of Where We Are: Idealized Trust, Self-Acceptance, Intuitive Discrimination – Attempts to overdo Trust result in experiencing less Trust in our selves. This awakens us to the reality that we need to risk only what we are willing to lose. When we have no “axe to grind” about how others treat us, it is because we have come to Trust and accept who we are. Using this ability to understand and Trust ourselves, we no longer rely on the Judgments or Beliefs of others and give them “the benefit of the doubt”. The key is to recognize that it is always our choice about what we give and what we risk. Intuitive Discrimination is the capacity to affirm possibilities with others without regret, judgment or withholding so we can become a participant in their gains without a sense of personal loss. This occurs because we are not pre-emptively attached to their win or loss in any situation. Instead, we see their process as perfect in discovering their lessons, as we see the same for ourselves. Ultimately, we release attachments to another’s well-being so our creative inspiration flows and can be supportive without any sense of sympathy or regret.


9. Loving Who and What We Are: Idealized Co-Creation, Personal Intimacy, Intimacy – Idealized Co-Creation is where we fixate on how we believe others should take care of us. This prevents us from taking responsibility for our own Truth and level of engagement. When we are able to share our vulnerability and not judge ourselves when things do not match our stated goals, we discover greater Intimacy with others and ourselves. It is important not to idealize Intimacy in this process, for doing so guarantees we would repel the possibility of it entering our life. True Intimacy requires honoring the Truth of where we are and what we want without fixating on an outcome. This awakens us to the nature of transpersonal Desires, where we assess Desires for their fitness in serving the common good. Ultimately, we learn how to be there and uplift others without demanding anything from them.


10. Owning Our Contribution: Mutual Accomplishment, Aliveness, Mutual Learning – The capacity to engage a group wanting to make a common contribution is greatly facilitated by a sense of Aliveness and connectedness between the people in the group. This occurs when others can listen and respond and make the adjustments necessary to serve the larger possibilities the group represents. In the discovery of how to work together there is common learning as well. This process is greatly facilitated because everyone is engaged and willing to grow. It is our co-measured interconnection with others that provides the guidance and support needed for Growth. Owning our Authentic Life Expression contribution means recognizing how we are interdependent with our constituency. Ultimately, it is our enthusiasm and Joy in doing things together that confirms we are working in Alignment with Universal Intent.


11. Owning Our Truth about Relationships: Universal Dominion, Wisdom, Physical Discernment – Universal Dominion is the ability to be present with others while simultaneously being present with ourselves. Wisdom is the capacity to combine and respond to different Intelligences at the same time and the ability to navigate between them. This combination allows us to be flexible about how we show up and how we respond to others. Physical Discernment enables us to sense this Balance in our body awareness (using Sensations and Feelings) and distinguish, call forth and enact what is needed next. In this way, our IntuitionBalances our inner physical knowing and confirms we are seeing is what it is. Our ability to respond helps us embrace new opportunities, both in relationships and work expressions. Ultimately, we learn to see the Connection between our inner Experience and what we externally manifest.


12. Being and Becoming Simultaneously: Conscious Participation, Awareness, Co-Creativity – Conscious Participation is the Commitment to show up, however we are, accepting who we are in that moment. It requires taking responsibility and ownership for what is working and not working in any situation with others. Awareness is the capacity to be reflective about what is going on both internally and externally so we can choose moment-to-moment how we wish to participate. We Experience creative flow when we do Conscious Participation with Awareness. This becomes a Co-Creative Experience when we recognize how our engagement affects others and vice versa. This feedback loop helps us see what is working or not for them so we can improve upon our own interactions. Ultimately, we learn how to create a Common Neutral Ground, recognizing that everyone who shows up has a particular meaning or purpose that we identify to serve them.

Engaging these three combinations (Motives, Attractions and Skills) breaks down conditioning, fixed expectations and compromising Beliefs about who we are. Putting these concepts together awakens us to the degree of conditioning we have grown up with. We recognize how we seek to live in a flatland of simple concepts that cement patterns to each other. Examining these lessons opens us up to redefining how our fixed Connections may nor may not be working for us. It also reflects how our personality paradigm needs to be updated to work transpersonally with others. Many of our Safety and Security patterns can be released so we can Experience greater Self choice and awareness. By being Conscious, we come to build a three dimensional view of this one or two dimensional reality. Intent, Content and Context become psychological tools for evaluating what we want to change. What is restored are our true Sensations, Feelings, Thoughts and Intuitions about our life.

Anatomy of A Skill

Each skill is a natural non-dualistic way of being with our Self and with others. When we embody a skill it means that we are fluid and flexible and can deal with everything as it arises without falling into reactive or defensive patterns. Embodying a skill has nothing outwardly to do with looking balanced or clear. Instead, it is a total acceptance of how we naturally, creatively unfold in our Self so that we are available and present to others. Each skill we manifest is a foundation for maximizing our capacity to be creative with others. This is because each skill builds on the spaciousness and self-presence generated by any other skill we currently embody. Skills are organized in four steps with three levels in each process. As we have mentioned previously, Holons are nested, constantly unfolding awareness structures of ever greater complexity supporting us in our ability to respond to life’s circumstances.

As each individual Holon (Life, Light or Love) is a smaller holographic representation of the Larger Higher Alignment Holon, the same patterns prevail. For example, the Light Holon (the wisdom of Relationship Skills) is a holographic subset of the larger unified Higher Alignment Holonic structure, which allows us to see how it plays a part in our ability to consciously interact with others. In this way, the four level, three step structure that is mirrored in our relationship universe is recreated in our connection to others. Some would say that the MEMES of relationship reflect our embodiment of each skill in relationship to the rest of the skills. As we can see in the Relationship Synthesis diagram, there are three axes that again reflect Life, Light and Love energies. The Life Skills axis begins with Aliveness that empowers us to be more Playful. As we become more Playful, it allows us to engage Paradox. As we embody Paradox, it makes it possible for us to engage others in a Mutual Learning situation.

There are three overall Higher Alignment Holons. Motives are a reflection of the Life Holon encouraging us to express our Aliveness. Relationship Skills are part of the Light Holon encouraging us to operate with Wisdom. Creativity or Compatibility Factors are part of the Love Holon encouraging us to be creatively aware. See the diagram Skills Are The Building Blocks Of Connectedness now. The more we master a single level in all three Holons simultaneously, the easier it is for us to move and manifest in the next higher stage. This is why there are four levels of relationship. We tend to attract partners at the level we operate on because we have similar lessons. Each lesson structure contains a grouping of lesser structures that reflect the degree of embodiment we have. It is also true that each of these individual lessons can be embodied to a greater or lesser degree.

The Light Skills axis begins with Wisdom, which empowers us to develop Personality Detachment (separating our Safety and Security programming from our natural creative nature). As we embody and can distinguish between our higher and lower choices, it empowers us to manifest our Intuitive Discrimination skill (recognizing our previous biases that distort our truth). When we embody Intuitive Discrimination, we then can see how to use our physical body to reflect our deeper knowing which supports us in Physical Discernment. The more embodied we are at lower levels, the easier it is to embody the higher levels. As we are always expanding and contracting around these levels of consciousness, there is no way to control how we interact for everything is based on how we respond internally and externally in each moment. In fact, the more we try to fix ourselves in any particular way, the more it impedes our ability to respond.

Skills Are The Building Blocks Of Connectedness
(Each Skill Level Reflects An Ability To Relate To Another)

The Love Skill axis begins with Growth, which empowers Awareness initially by supporting us in telling our truth (Autonomy). As we learn increasingly to tell our truth in situations, it supports us in taking more risks to be Intimate. As we embody our ability to be Intimate, it greatly supports our capacity to begin to engage others in Co-Creative ways. It is important to remember that each of these integration skills require that we use and balance the energy of the Life and Light Skill so that we are able to actually manifest these relationship abilities. In the Relationship Synthesis chart, we see this occurring moving from left to right. For example, we embody Intimacy only to the degree that we have mastered Paradox and Intuitive Discrimination. In this situation, we need to learn how to think in larger ways to engage others where they are (Paradox) and to not fall into old patterns of judgment (when we do not embody Intuitive Discrimination).

It might be easier to think of each axis and the four levels in terms of the energy that they primarily manifest. For example, on the Life axis, Aliveness on the Gender Identity level is level one Aliveness. Aliveness on the Individuation level is Playfulness or level two Aliveness. Aliveness on the Connection skill level is Paradox or level three Aliveness. Aliveness on the Higher Alignment Skill level is Mutual Learning or level four Aliveness. This means that the highest level of Aliveness that can be expressed is Mutual Learning. This makes sense when we consider that Mutual Learning requires a common shared Aliveness to be effective. It is important to remember that the relationship can only embody a skill to the degree that both individuals can meet and embody a common skill level. Skills can only be manifest based on the lowest common denominator in any relationship situation. The only way we can bring people up on the Aliveness axis is to demonstrate a greater trust in them than they do in themselves.

On the Light axis of Relationship Skills, Wisdom on the Gender Identity level is level one Wisdom. Wisdom on the Individuation level is Personality Detachment or level two Wisdom. Wisdom on the Connection Skills level is Intuitive Discrimination or level three Wisdom. Wisdom on the Higher Alignment skills level is Physical Discernment or level four Wisdom. This means that the highest level of Wisdom that can be expressed is Physical Discernment where our outer experiences can be seen to mirror our inner body sensations informing us in our body knowing of the different choices that we have. This makes sense when we consider that our ability to effectively mirror our Wisdom is another version of the relationship Wisdom that others would share with us. Since others can only meet us at the level of Wisdom that they most embody, the only way to support their conscious acceptance of their Wisdom is to hold a greater sense of Unity in our own Wisdom space.

On the Love axis of Relationship Skills, Awareness on the Gender Identity level is level one Awareness. Awareness on the Individuation level is Autonomy or level two Awareness. Awareness on the Connection Skills level is Intimacy or level three Awareness. Awareness on the Higher Alignment skill level is Co-Creativity or level four Awareness. This means the highest level of Awareness comes from Co-Creative projects that we manifest together. When we are able to connect through all of the skills, it provides the greatest flexibility and fluidity to address whatever arises in the moment. Wherever we are reactive or disconnected within ourselves becomes an area where our partner needs to neutralize and hold space for us in order for it not to become an issue in the Co-Creative process. The more our partner experiences their love of us, the easier it is for them to honor us as we are, where we are which maximizes our ability to co-create with them.

Each column, from bottom to top, requires the skill beneath it in order to embody the one above it. For example, Aliveness empowers Playfulness; Playfulness empowers Paradox, and Paradox empowers Mutual Learning. In the second column, Wisdom is required for Personality Detachment; Personality Detachment is required for full Intuitive Discrimination. Intuitive Discrimination is required for Physical Discernment. Finally, in the last column, Growth is a prerequisite for Autonomy; Autonomy is required for Intimacy and Intimacy is required for Co-Creativity. This reflects the “transcend and include” process (where each new step is required for the next step) that occurs whenever we embody these three holons. Overall the three holons are motives, skills and compatibility factors. Within each of these in the masculine, feminine and the relationship poles.

At each level, there are three steps to complete each cycle. We need to embody both the masculine and feminine skill to manifest greater relationship skills. The developmental steps for each level are: 1) Pleasure (either masculine or feminine skill engagement); 2) Acceptance (moving to the opposite masculine or feminine polarity to complete our understanding); and 3) Self-Expression which reflects the integration of both polarities. Since we are attracted to something when it is pleasurable, we can grapple with it enabling it to be accepted within ourselves, finally allowing us to be more present and embodied in expressing it externally. We naturally find our selves growing in capability from the bottom up which can be greatly enhanced when we engage this process consciously.

One of the major difficulties where we experience major difficulties in being clear about what is going on within us is when we are operating on different levels of Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness. For example, when we engage in level one Aliveness and level two Wisdom it creates conflict, stimulating fears and frustrated desires because we feel trapped. Since Aliveness reflects our intention, operating on a level one reflects the reality that we have many competing intentions that we are trying to heal by trying to operate on a second level of Wisdom, which is about becoming clear about the difference between personality desires and transpersonal desires. As each aspect of us will seek to assert its own perspective on these choices, it will create an inner dialogue that is fragmented and discomforting, at best. Whenever we are out of balance between two or three Holons because we are operating on different levels in each domain, it naturally creates great tension within us.

The opposite is also true. For example, when we engage in level two Aliveness (Playfulness) and level two Wisdom (Personality Detachment) it empowers both of these skills to be integrated and congruent supporting us in speaking our truth. It is the integration of skills on each level, which actually makes us appear to be powerful to others. This reflects the fact that each level of skills supports us in becoming more settled and clear in how we wish to express ourselves. The more we integrate each level the more we naturally become congruent and responsive. As each level progressively becomes more integrated, it also supports the greater integration between levels. With conscious exploration and development, we become one unified framework and can easily manifest Common Neutral Ground skills because we are conscious of our own potential disconnections and projections.

We naturally grow by moving upward on the Relationship Synthesis chart. The Love axis of the Relationship Skills Holon of Light energy shows us how Autonomy can contribute to another Holon such as Intimacy. While there are many people who try to be intimate without developing an ability to tell their truth, they are not very successful at it. Even if they develop Intimacy as a survival mechanism, they are unconscious about the cost of true Intimacy because they have not paid the price by sharing their Truth. Even so, we typically associate Autonomy skills with traditional Masculine energy and Intimacy energy skills with traditional Feminine energy, which we need to internally balance. Each step of owning our awareness allows us to be more flexible and fluid and avoid compromise. Continuing on in the vertical dimension, if we manifest both Autonomy and Intimacy skills, it allows us to be more Co-Creative. If we accept and embody our full Co-Creative nature it indicates that we have embodied and mastered all twelve Relationship Skills.

When we can see the impact of a larger synthetic Higher Alignment holon and how it holographically integrates each individual holon, it reveals that on secondary levels the Intent, Content and Context and the combination of these three frameworks occurs also in the vertical dimension in each individual holon. This means we build consciousness in each holon 180 degrees out of synch with the level above and below. For example, the more we conscious we become of our intention, the more we grow the vertical dimension of the Life Holon. When we apply this to the Light Holon, Intention becomes the horizontal foundation for the skills of Aliveness, Wisdom and Growth. This reflects the embodiment of our Gender Identity lessons. The second level of skills, where we individuate, reflects the engagement and rediscovery of Content or meaning in our lives, which reflects the Light Holon. The third level of Connection Skills, where we are able to break out of preconceived ways of being with partners, allows us to integrate and manifest our own Context, which reflects the Love Holon. Finally, the fourth level of Higher Alignment Relationship Skills where we learn how to be present and aligned in our Self with others, supports us in integrating our Intent, Content and Context so that we are fluid and flexible in any situation.

As Ken Wilber (the current proponent of the Holon concept) suggests, some conceptual frameworks are nested and defined in terms of each other, which means that eventually our definition is reflected in its opposite. For example, we cannot define the Masculine without bringing up the Feminine and vice versa. In the Holonic structure, we cannot define Life energy without Light energy or vice versa. Each needs the other as part of its ongoing development, expression and manifestation. By exploring the limits of one perspective, such as the duality of Masculine/Feminine, we automatically embrace its opposite. The deeper we go in defining our femininity, the more we are forced to explore our masculinity. The more we deny any aspect of us, the other corresponding parts of us are also repressed. Tactically, this also means on the vertical dimension that the denial of our skills at the Gender Identity level has the most impact upon us because it prevents the development of higher level responsiveness. As each holon seeks to build a foundation that later is transcended for a higher foundation, when we do not have anyone to interact with at our level (our family for example), the disuse of these higher skills actually dulls us and reduces our growth options.

Initially, in our perceptions and understanding of skills are limited to the degree we believed our Gender Identity conditioning. Most of us grew up believing that men had to manifest their Aliveness and women their Wisdom to be respected in their Gender Identity. It is not until we become older that we begin to see that, at some point, we need to embrace the opposite to become fully functioning human beings. On the surface, masculinity appears to be about strength, mastery and order, but the deeper we go the more we discover the outwardly feminine characteristics of receptivity, mystery and chaos. Our perceptions about outer strength and receptivity tell us about our relative positions on power. The external power of outer strength has to at some point come into connection with the inner power of being able to be receptive and embrace possibilities. Outer mastery needs to meet Inner mastery. Outer order needs to be balanced with Inner chaos. It is only when we consciously embrace these dualities that we begin to see ways of transcending our pre-established safety and security biases. In this way, the outside-in perspectives about any Holon have its counterpart in the opposite inside-out perspective. This reflects the horizontal dualities.

Building Individual Skills

Within each skill there are three sub-optimal way of expressing our self and one way in which we embody our power. At the lowest level of any holon, it is curious that while each holon (Life, Light and Love), has a four level, three step process, at its most elemental component, has three levels and four options. This reflects the three basic levels of Consciousness and the fact that we can be polarized by Masculine and/or Feminine positions. This leads to Resistance in interacting with others. When we become Semi-conscious and begin to take Masculine or Feminine positions, our perspective becomes more polarized by taking one of these points of view. We only transcend this second level by unifying and seeing how to bring together our Masculine and Feminine perspective in an embodied way.
As noted above, if we are compromised in both our Masculine and Feminine levels we operate in a pre personal stage of Creative Self-denial where we believe we are victims of the world. This is a stage of maximum attachments, where Unconscious motivations drive us to get what we want without asking for it. In each skill there is always a way of denying our power as a human being. If we embody more of our Masculine or Feminine there are always positions that represent these two major differences in perspective. Unfortunately, we get lost believing that our perspective is the only one, thus minimizing our ability to influence others the way we wish. Usually, this is called the Personalization stage, where we learn how to differentiate from others by taking a position to distinguish ourselves. Finally, if we are willing to transcend the positions and the polarization, a fourth option is to embody the Masculine and Feminine and express our Self in a way that is non-dualistic. It is only when we are unified and can simultaneously operate in both Masculine and Feminine perspectives that the full capacity of the skill is realized in our interactions with others.

While from the outside in perspective we see four levels with three skills on each level, the inside out view for manifesting each skill has three levels and four options.The Skill Development Model, reflects how we can Experience from the inside out the attachment, the two positions and the unified perspective which we call a stand. We cannot manifest any skill without first honoring the Masculine and Feminine energy and then integrating it in our way of being. Our attachments and positions reflect defenses. In the diagram, in stage one, we typically find ourselves operating in roles tending to be Masculine or Feminine. We can tell that our way of being is superficial because we lack any conviction or Commitment to expressing ourselves fully. Instead, we are most concerned about how others will interpret our expression, so we always second-guess ourselves. We call this the Pre-Personal stage because we have not yet individuated ourselves as being worthy of being seen, heard and valued by others.

In stage two, we individuate ourselves by developing positions that reflect either a Masculine or Feminine point of view. Each skill in the second stage reflects either a Masculine or Feminine perspective that reflects a committed expression. Ironically, it is only when we make a Commitment to express ourselves in some way that we Experience competition in the world. This is due to the fact that any position reflects a partial point of view and therefore feels weak and vulnerable. While some of us may attempt to take the middle road between Masculine and Feminine positions, this is usually the worst thing to do, because we can get attacked from both directions. What we learn from this Experience is to have a point of view and maintain it consistently so that others will get to know us and Respect us for our Boundaries. In stage two, this means being clear about what works for us.

In stage three, we accept all the positions around us and recognize ourselves as larger than any single personality perspective. This indicates that we are beginning to operate trans-personally and we wish to create mutual solutions with others that can honor them and us simultaneously. We learn to take a more unified stand, which reflects that we are looking at everything in a universal manner. This simply means that we see ourselves as agents for the Universe, looking for larger, more inclusive solutions. It also means that we also do not feel the need to protect our personal points of view. As a result, we can operate more creatively and cooperatively to find ways that will serve the community at large. Taking a stand to honor our larger creative and spiritual natures ironically, is not about inflating our egos, but finding a place and function for it to serve the larger needs around us. Instead of fixating on what we need, we come to appreciate that there is a much larger contribution possible if we are willing to be creative with others.

We can also recognize our lack of skills by how much we are attached to Beliefs that diminish our skills in action. Each skill has its polar opposite. One way of assessing our current skill level is how much do these opposites define our Experiences with others? For example, Relationship Diagnostics Diagramshows how the opposite of each of the skills, known as that skill’s neutralizer, compromises us. The more we associate with Excitement, Intensity, Inertia, seriousness, confusion, Co-Dependence, certainty, judgment, rejection, unilateral action, untrustworthiness and imitation, the more obstacles we will have in embodying our skills. This points out that many of us have developed defensive positions that we believe protect us from others, when in fact they limit our expression of our own power. In fact, each of the three defenses has its own specific way of trying to get leverage, both to protect itself, and to maximize the pain of others in the way of our goals.