Relationship

Relationship lessons focus on learning to engage others where they are, learning to grow with them. When we are in this stage, we tend to exaggerate our expressions in order to make sure we are being seen and understood by others. We are more interested in being with people who honor our interests and support our growth. We can be verified by our focus on improving our relationships. Initially, what we want is others to know how to meet us so we will have an easy time understanding and connecting with them. Over time, we come to realize that we need to prepare ourselves so we can understand the differences of others in a way that helps us meet them where they are. At this stage, we often learn through anguish. Our fears are more likely to surface at this stage of our development. In order to be intimate with others, we must be able to share and release our fears. Our challenge is to learn how to harmlessly communicate our truths while being present with our Self. Usually, it is in the Relationship stage that we begin to recognize who we are on a creative level.

At the Relationship stage, we complete the unconscious lessons to work in the external world and begin to work on our inner awareness. At this point we realize trying to evolve on our own will only take us so far. Mid-level relationship and above individuals are able to accept the differences in others and operate in more independent ways that respect and honor their autonomy. Recognition of the separateness of others allows us to get close to them and be with them without compromise. The paradox is, the more we are able to accept our own truth as different and unique, the more we are able to accept others as unique making them more interesting. In this situation, we are discovering how to be free to be ourselves, which up to now was limited by the roles we performed to take care of others.

This is the stage where WorldView starts to be obvious because our connections with people are different. Being at this Relationship level wakes us to the disconnect we feel with others. We become aware of lower level motivations that guide most people and realize that we have an option to choose how we wish to be. When we recognize what has been motivating us and how our survival and success patterns have kept us from fully loving who we are, we start telling our truth to others who are conscious of their process. This is both a blessing and a gift. It is their ability to return this gift that makes a conscious relationship possible. We are frustrated when others don’t seem to want to grow and get to the bottom of their relationship patterns.

At the core of relationship lessons is an ability to stand in a higher space within ourselves and recognize that we are not our defensive identity which enables us to see and own our projections on others. We begin to discover the real source of these projections, our denied fears. Instead of becoming entangled by our beliefs that they are doing something to us, we can see that they can’t affect us in anyway we do not choose. The relationship stage therefore, supports getting in touch with our desires to connect in ways that do not entangle others. We learn to tell our truth harmlessly under all circumstances. We also learn to be intimate when others are expressing their truth, which may not agree with our truth. This self discovery process allows us to heal past entanglements and not re-create them. It also opens us up to seeing how we attract those people who make our fears real.

Ultimately, we do not complete the Relationship stage until we recognize what our lessons are in relationships. Unfortunately, those who do not complete this, live the lessons of their parents. At a minimum, this requires that we recognize our imprinting and are able to not lose ourselves in unconscious patterns or pretenses. We know we are not complete when we feel more drive to control the relationship and become more agitated when we can’t eliminate its patterns. Since we can’t transcend what we refuse to own, learning to accept and embrace where we have denied our creativity and truth allows us to grow and respond naturally. Completing this stage empowers us to create trust and unity in every relationship to the ability of our partner to accept it.

If we had conscious parents who were operating in Outer Success level or above, we likely engaged the Relationship stage between the ages of 12 and 28. Our connection with others in the Relationship stage is maintained through calm, clear, energetic intention affirmingthat others will be there with us under all circumstances. This greatly diminishesour anxiety level, and allowsus to pick times and places where we can be heard when we introduce a higher possibility. This possibility can only be created by going deeper in ourselves, with the other person. In other words, we need to relax into a place of being present with our Self and invite the other person to do the same. Otherwise, the best way for others to meet us, is to mirror us as much as possible so we see that they are paying attention and caring about us.

We begin operating at the Relationship stage as we feel a sense of obligation to support the well being of others. A greater sense of responsibility develops as we maximize our integrity in ways that honor the integrity of others. We begin to tell the truth about our emotions, and become identified by our romantic framework, which sees sex as an expression of a higher connection. As we develop recognition of the rights of others, we start to curb our selfishness and discover the power of service. Initially, we may act out and dramatize the experiences we are having in relationships reflecting our frustrations. Eventually, we become aware of the patterns that seem to be recurring in relationships leading us to deeper self-examination, and we seek to have the kinds of relationships we want. When we reach the mid-level of relationships, we become self-conscious and can reflect on our inner and outer experiences separately. For many people, this breakthrough is experienced as being able to see ourselves engaging situations without being identified by them.

Sometimes in the early stages of Relationship, we are still overly attached to what others think about us because we have not yet established a good relationship with ourselves. When we cannot love and be present in our own being, or acknowledge our own choices, we are trapped in a world where our separateness creates distance. The more we do not trust ourselves, the more we are unable to trust others. Our focus then becomes how to be different, not on a material level, but on a spiritual one. This gives birth to Spiritual Materialism, where we compete to establish who is the most spiritual. In this situation, we want others to acknowledge how much spiritual work we have done so we can hide our separateness in new ways that seem acceptable. Unfortunately, this practice reduces our ability to love others as they are, and blocks our developing intimate connections. Overall, the more conscious we are, the more inclusive we are with others and the less conscious we are, the more exclusive we need to be around them.

As we begin to make conscious relationship choices, our instincts lose their power. Our ability to be present and creative supersedes our need for excitement and intensity. We start to see the compromises we made in an attempt to get someone to take care of us. We discover the power in sharing our emotional truth to find conscious partners, as it drives away the individuals who would become co-dependent with us. We are also able to separate our thoughts from the thoughts of others, allowing us to engage without becoming unconsciously merged. These tools awaken us to the patterns of our past, allowing us to choose a partner who can truly meet us. Having choice in relationships is a new concept to many.

Ultimately, we do not complete the Relationship stage until we recognize what our lessons have been and are, in relationships with others. Unfortunately, those who do not, live out the lessons of their parents with other people. At a minimum, this requires that we recognize our imprinting and do not get lost in unconscious patterns or pretenses. We know we are not yet complete when we feel driven to control our relationships, and become agitated when we can’t eliminate the patterns we are in. Since we can’t transcend what we refuse to own, learning to accept and embrace where we have denied our creativity and truth allows us to grow and respond naturally. Completing this stage empowers us to create trust and unity in every relationship, depending on the ability of our partner(s) to accept it.

CHECKLIST FOR RELATIONSHIP LESSONS

•    Operational status:You‘n Me—Let’s Do It Together. This stage opens the world of emotional, dramatic relationships. It begins with the desire for the emotional truth, which eventually leads to spiritual openness. Relationship assumptions are examined, and artificial boundaries are broken down. The initial efforts are to make a relationship like we make a pie; eventually we learn that it takes the conscious co-creation of others to make relationships work. At this stage the meaning of relationship starts to fill the empty space in our lives, although at times we still operate from external success criteria in our work. What is important is that we start to measure ourselves by our own internal standards.
•    Learning method: through anguish (maximum stress). The strategy in terms of the sea is to be a salmon forever throwing oneself upstream in the perceived only path.
•    Dimensions of Experience: Two. Me and you, on an emotional level.
•    Focus: “My life and relationships are intense, real and dramatic.”
•    Responsive characteristics: Emotionally open, relationship-oriented, become more group-oriented, perceptive, open to spiritual growth, in touch with a wide range of perspectives, and therefore most balanced. (Note: Usually seeks a long-term mate.)
•     Reactive characteristics: Identified with the other in relationship (sometimes to the point of loss of self), intense, emotionally explosive soap-opera dramatics; can become neurotic.

Percent of adult population falling into Relationship WorldView: 30%.

Examples: Richard Simmons, Eddie Murphy, Cher, Dan Akroyd, Roseanne Barr, Wil Wheaton, Warren Beatty, Gary Shandling, Boy George, John Belushi, John Cleese, Bill Cosby, Linda Evans, Ronald Reagan, Jane Fonda, William Hurt, Jack Nicholson, Molly Ringwald, Tom Selleck, Dudley Moore, Jay Leno, Arsenio Hall, Martin Luther King, Robin Williams, Lily Tomlin, Donald Sutherland, Gloria Steinem, Debra Winger, Vincent Van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway, Marilyn Monroe, Willie Brown, Shirley MacLaine, Jimi Hendrix, Richard Burton, Drew Barrymore, Walter Matthau, Madonna, River Phoenix, Elvis Presley (later life), Jerry Lewis, Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Dustin Hoffman, Jeff Goldblum, Nick Nolte, Michael J. Fox, Spike Lee, Bill & Hillary Clinton, Sandra Bullock, Meryl Streep, Leonard Nimoy, Janine Turner, Joan Rivers, Burt Reynolds, Rosie O’Donnell, John Travolta, Don Johnson, Matthew Broderick, Tim Allen and Keanu Reeves.

Relationship oriented communities: Amsterdam, Holland; Berkeley, CA; Cambridge, MA.

Relationship lesson countries Egypt, Greece, Italy, Britain, Japan (major parts of), Russia and Poland