Re-Creating Our Partners or Living with the Consequences

All of these changes are empowered when we take responsibility for interpreting our own experience in the best way possible. In other words, we are able to use the experiential Modalities (Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts) to customize our comprehension and increase our ability to take in new ideas from others. This shift into an intermediating, interactive connection with others allows us to adjust to various changes as they occur. We learn how to modulate any one of the Modalities or increase our depth by focusing on one of the Modalities to bring out greater opportunities. In this way, we can make sure we are getting the most out of our experience, while understanding the meaning of the experience itself. Since many of our lessons have to do with expanding and unifying our Modalities, taking responsibility for how we interpret our experience is a big step in conscious self-understanding. Some people do not understand this process, thinking that shifting our focus on different Modalities changes our reality. In actuality, it gives us new ways of interpreting our experience. We call this perceptual reorientation process, Owning Our Experience, which is also the name of a class we teach.

This Level of CNG embodiment is actually a time of great experimentation. The more we open ourselves up to our own Beauty, Truth and Goodness, the clearer we become about what works. Now that we have balanced our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts, our Intuition emerges. Since we now possess Skills to distinguish our experiences from others, we are not scared about being submerged or defined by anyone. We know it will simply not happen. This creates a spirit of adventure where we increasingly allow the universe to suggest possibilities. As our Creative Nature emerges, we go from the cocoon to the butterfly stage. The more we radiate our energy outward, the more we attract individuals who want us to transfer some of this ‘magic’ to them. The problem is that they usually Idealize us, making partnering with them difficult, if not impossible.

The major Skill we develop at this level is to be able to re-create the experience of others in the Common Neutral Ground. While the first step of this process is to recognize how our experience of the CNG is different from our personal experience, we need to explore how another’s presence in the CNG adds texture and uniqueness to our experience. The more we practice feeling the differences between us in the CNG, while using our commonalities to provide a foundation for this experience, the more real the relationship becomes. This is because we develop the ability to read the similarities and differences in Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts. This opens us up to seeing how an individual’s personal energy field is different than our own and how the CNG is actually the combination of both. The more we can integrate and own our experience, the more likely we can bring out the best in our partner.

Being able to shift when we over-do and under-do our Modalities allows us to see what irritates our partner or what enlivens them. Instead of being oblivious to the reactions and responses of our partner, we become interested in providing better feedback and support. We learn to recognize what is going on in any particular circumstance or situation. Some individuals develop and share their Intuitions about the process and how they feel seen or not by their partner. Relationship Lessons are greatly facilitated when we have these subtle tools for recognizing what works and does not work with our partners. The more we are able to internalize why our partners respond the way they do, the more we naturally find better ways to interact with them. The other key aspect of developing these insights is recognizing who is reacting to what issue, and in what timeframe. This comes about by being able to see where a reaction originates. Is it in our space, their space or in the shared, Common Neutral Ground space?

‘Getting’ our partner is best accomplished by re-creating their experience in the CNG. Re-creating is the process of duplicating, in our experience, the Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts of our partner in the CNG. When we are able to do this with significant resolution and clarity in a conscious way, it ‘pops’ or shifts us into a more integrated state with our partner, and the content disappears. People experience this as a flash of insight, and then they do not remember what they were thinking. This re-creation of our partner’s experience creates a transformative connecting experience for both parties. As physics majors realize, recreating the same experience in the same proximity collapses the field and releases the Thought form that was the foundation for the issue. While it may not be immediately apparent that ‘getting’ and transforming the experience of our partner can be useful, it cumulatively expands the CNG’s energy and Context so we build a better connection, and we learn to trust each other more. We call this process ‘Re-Creating’ our experience. Besides shifting us to honor the common ground more, it also becomes a bonding experience because we then appreciate and understand our partner by metaphorically walking in their ‘moccasins’.

Pacing is the rate at which we process our experience. Every time we go through a sequence of Thinking, Feeling and Acting, we assess where we are and know what is going on. Different people go through this process in different sequences. Based on our Communication Process, some individuals Feel, Think and then Act. We would call these individuals big Context, small Content with Intent being the integrative factor. What we are all attempting to do is to become more simultaneous and present with all three of the elements (Intent, Content and Context). Pacing is the way we accomplish this. Some individuals take on big chunks of experience and process them slowly, while others take small chunks and process them more quickly. This has nothing to do with general intelligence, although it supports and amplifies our three, natural Creative Intelligences.

When we find and operate at our natural pacing rate, our energy is well used and we regenerate quickly. When we are imprinted to operate at a speed that is not our own, or some individual is creating stress, it means we are over stretching ourselves or accommodating our self to meet the pacing of others. This diminishes our energy and reduces our ability to regenerate ourselves. The big issue is that when we meet others with a different Pacing as us, it will take additional energy to connect with them. The more Imprinting we have, the more likely we second-guess ourselves so we do not relax or find the natural flow in our connection. Pacing makes a large impact on many individuals, particularly when the people we are connecting to represent family members who energetically compromised us in the past. This can make us defensive, drive us to be over-accommodating or to increase or decrease our internal pace. It is critical to accept our natural pacing because then we can find people who will be relaxing to be with.

Pacing is delineated by a spectrum between 1 and 100, with 0 being the slowest and 100 being the fastest. The midpoint is 50 and the population can be represented in a bell-shaped curve with less than 13% being higher than 65, or lower than 35. We typically feel comfortable with individuals with up to a 15 point difference. When we have a 5 or less point difference, we can be with them day or night with no impact. Otherwise, the greater the difference, the more breaks we need to take to regenerate our own pacing level. Some of us become highly self protective when we feel abused or taken advantage of by people with different pacing. In such situations, we can further accentuate our differences by pulling away from the pacing of others to make them meet us in a more natural flow. Individuals who are faster paced tend to become frustrated with lower paced individuals, while individuals who are slower paced become exhausted with higher paced individuals.

There are six Pacing categories:

1. Slow Paced individuals operate with a pacing level of 0-45. This means we are quite methodical and need to process our experience for a time before we are ready to make comments about it. With other slow-paced individuals, we are more relaxed and do not feel the need to prove ourselves. When we are with fast-paced individuals, it creates more Excitement, anticipation and possibly an edginess, because we are trying to rush ourselves forward to keep up with the comments. When talking to fast-paced individuals, we feel frequently poked and prodded to respond to others, when we do not know what our own experience is. This leads us to make mistakes about what we want and how things would work for us. Over time, this makes us reticent to make any commitments before we have figured out our own desires.


2. Mid-Paced individuals operate with a pacing level of 45-55. Mid-paced individuals have some flexibility to meeting others where they are. They seek to accommodate and get along when others have a similar pace. They are able to meet the widest range of people, if we are 50, we can deal with anyone from 35-65. With other mid-paced people, we are the most relaxed and free in our expression. Our biggest problem comes at the extremes, where we do not have as much experience dealing with people above 65 or lower than 35. Due to our lack of experience, we need to learn to reduce the amount of time we spend with these types of individuals. Sometimes we can be impacted in less than 20 minutes. By making sure that we are holding our energy with integrity, we can increase this time period.


3. Fast-Paced individuals operate with a pacing level of 55 and above. We are easily identified by our desire to get to the objective of the conversation so that decisions can be made quickly. We frequently complete others’ sentences or pressure them into stating what they need. We are driven to this because of the frustration we feel that things are being delayed for no reason. This is especially confusing when we have slow-paced imprinting, where we state things quickly and then summarize slowly. Or when with fast-paced imprinting where we increase our speed, the less we feel heard and valued by others. Although there can be competition for how fast we can explain things, most of the time we only feel relaxed with other fast-paced people. It is ironic that fast-paced people tend to think that slow-paced people are too slow and strange. Fast-paced people themselves can be seen as erratic, difficult and demanding by slow-paced people.


4. Switchable-Paced individuals operate on two home-based levels, being able to go 15 points in either direction. This means growing up, they had one way of dealing with their father and one way of dealing with their mother and the two had different pacing points. The result is greater confusion by others when they see their friend shift without any explanation. What causes us to shift is stress and different expectations being placed upon us. While less than 5% of individuals in the U.S. have a Switchable pacing style, it can seem erratic or disjointed to others. For example, when we may have a pacing comfort zone of 45 around our father and a 60 pacing comfort zone around our mother, this would mean that when we are around women, we would naturally tend to go faster and around men we naturally tend to go slower. What makes this difficult is that in groups, with a wide variety of people, we are moving back and forth between these two set points.


5. Variable-Paced individuals operate with less attachment to any particular set point. This means they have a greater total range than 15 points in terms of dealing with others and meeting them where they are. The value of this is that they get really good at regenerating themselves, allowing them to meet others within perhaps a 50-point or more range, able to honor another by going at their speed. They can do this because they are not compromising themselves or their Personality preferences; speed does not actually matter to them. They see themselves as all speeds. Storytellers, Compassionates and some Inventors and Visionaries have the experience and the consciousness to do this without difficulty. Others eventually learn this as they become more conscious about who they are and how to manage their own energy system.


6. Open-Ended individuals operate by being able to synchronize themselves with others without draining their own energy. It is our choice to meet others, not just in their Pacing but also by using other Compatibility Factors to establish a more in-depth connection. When we are open-ended, we are free to express ourselves in any way we wish. This leads us to learn how to meet others on a much different level and to feel their pulse as we are connecting. When we are open ended, we are usually operating with a Communication Process of Simultaneous and Equal and we can do any Decision Making Approach. The source of our new found energy is a deep connection to the Universe through our Primary Creative Expression. The more actualized we are on this level, the more open-ended we become in our Pacing.

When we accept our natural pacing, we do not need to over-rev our engines or worry that our engine is going to conk out if it does not have enough gas. Instead, we learn to trust that everything we need to grasp is being provided in exactly the timing that we need to maximize our response to it. For some individuals, this is a large stretch because we are used to getting caught up in the extremes of the experience and think that anything flowing naturally is suspicious. This conditioning needs to be questioned so that we can shift the way we respond to opportunities by holding the CNG and all of its input externally. This allows us to bring in the information at a speed that works for us and matches our heart’s pace. Let us be clear, the CNG can hold all of the experiences and interactions with others if we empower it to do so, this allows us to process it in any timeframe and in any manner to suit us. This means that we do not need to react to others or take on their ‘stuff’ because we are afraid that they are going to withdraw their support or interaction.

A CNG can do this type of offline processing on any Compatibility Factor. This allows us to even reflect on what has happened in the past and see it anew from different levels of the experience. What we need to do to maximize this capacity is just imagine that everything that goes in on the CNG is a reflection that we can tape for later review, using only a small part of our mind for this function. There are many circumstances where we might not notice something immediately, and upon review, we begin to realize that there were more subtle indicators of something going on than was originally apparent. If we set the intention to have this capability online and we can do it at any time we wish, then we can always be learning about any situation or relationship in an optimum manner.

It is important to note that we are not suggesting that you keep analyzing things on a mental or emotional level, but rather you are going back to the full experience of Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, Thoughts and Intuitions and processing the experiences anew. The more you can put aside previous conclusions, the more revealing the new assessment might be. Otherwise, we are just doing defensive reprocessing, which drains our energy and provides little or no new insights. Using the modalities as centers of awareness where we perceive directly, not just what is going on with us but also what is going on for others, allows us to shift our perspective and see things through their eyes. This tool can be greatly enhanced now that we have more internal Silence, Solitude and Stillness.

Stillness, Solitude and Silence are the inner anchors for manifesting Spacious Presence, Pregnant Duration and Skillful Means in the CNG. When Stillness creates a field of Aliveness around our Hara center, we become more self-regulating and sensitive to the energetic impacts of others. This allows us to know when others are draining us or are being energetically supportive. We can also minimize the loss or amplify the connection when it is desirable. It is the abundance of space within us that helps us to broadcast it, not only in the CNG, but also to others around us. We confirm this experience by being able to experience Cellular Affinity where we can naturally feel connected to others who are Alive and able to share themselves.

When Solitude creates a field of Wisdom around our heads, we become more receptive and able to organize our Thoughts and Emotions on many levels. This enhanced organizational ability also allows us to be supportive resources to those we love, as well as tune into the Thoughts of others and be supported by them. This all supports our experience of Pregnant Duration in the CNG because it is peaceful, holistic, and integrated. We naturally can share Thoughts and Emotions, which demonstrates an intellectual stimulation between others that expands the perspectives of all those involved. Vibratory Response validates this, which is a spacious way to say that we have room to take into consideration every possibility so that the right solutions will emerge at the right time. Needless to say, we need to be able to let go of any polarity, reactivity, or Defensive patterns to make Solitude and Pregnant Duration obvious.

When Silence creates a field of Awareness around our hearts, we become more Passionate and able to organize our Feelings and Emotions. This enhanced, intuitive sensitivity is based on the use of Skillful Means where we consciously engage others in ways that can bring out the best in all of us. Inner Silence is really a state of focus where we are disregarding voices from our past that are a part of our conditioning. It is time to imagine that we can unify ourselves into a single voice, which we can speak in at any time. One benefit of Skillful Means is the deeper ability to simplify complexity and recognize what others need to move forward. It is also useful to be able to see what compromises others and what does not so we do not inadvertently diminish their contribution. We validate Silence and this whole personality integration process by centralizing our focus on our Primary Creative Expression. This makes it possible to bring out the best in others through Vibratory Expansion.

Higher Alignment’s use of Stillness, Silence, Solitude and CNG exercises of Spacious Presence, Pregnant Duration and Skillful Means links beautifully with Buddhist practices. These help us become more mindful of our own internal states and we become more adept at managing ourselves so that we can operate in a more compassionate, peaceful and harmless manner. Most importantly, they help sustain us energetically by allowing us to touch into our Life, Light and Love experiences. Some people adopt these practices so that they can actually share more of who they are with others who are like-minded. Our perspective is that these practices allow us to be more self-reflective, therefore our Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness can open up ways to transform the relationships we create. You can find more about the Buddhist tradition at the Shambhala Center.

When we identify with our mortality, we deny our ability to build a better future. When we envision ourselves as Personalities, we take on the Defensive conditioning and separateness of our past. It is easy to see that our Creative Nature is more expansive and provides a more comprehensive picture. Whatever our religious or spiritual path, we are able to affirm the presence of spirit in any of our creative endeavors. We make this practical when we seek to contribute and when our contributions are accepted. At this point, our whole system resonates as service becomes a conscious, co-creative communion.

This is how our mortality (based on our personal form or body) can be viewed as a limited subset of our immortality or spirit (based on pouring ourselves into the lives of those we love and contribute to). Without even considering the possibility that our spirit goes on in many forms, we could focus on how we achieve immortality through the people we contribute to around us. We make this transition after we have affirmed our Primary Creative Expression and bring our Secondary and Mental Body into alignment with our larger context. It is also the result of learning how to love our Creative Nature, which permits us to experience the love of others and return it in ways that magnify it. With these types of immortal experiences, we no longer fear death and see our self as having many ways to experience our impact beyond our own lifetime.

The more we balance Life, Light and Love expressions, the more conscious we are, allowing us to transfer our knowing to others based on their preferred modalities. This means that when we see a person who is stronger on Content, we can concisely give them the principles, processes and details they need to build a larger view for themselves. Or when we approach a person who is stronger with their Context, we can use our emotional framework to convey a vision that motivates them to seek out the deeper questions. Some individuals are better with Intent, so we need to be able to communicate energetically, perhaps by acting out each step of the process. This requires us to notice more about the people around us so that when we go into communion with them, we have ways of deepening into the process.

We expand our CNG skills on this level by being able to energetically compartmentalize the various connections we have simultaneously with different people. This begins by first being able to isolate our personal connection in the CNG space while recognizing different qualities of another in the moment. This permits us to use our CNG space to connect with an intimate partner to see how they are doing at any time. Individuals with good CNG skills build relationships with individuals by calibrating what they say about themselves with what they are directly experiencing in the CNG. In very little time, with the skills taught in the Owning Our Experience class, we will be able to read a CNG in seconds and know the person’s state of being. This greatly supports our ability to contribute to others just from our presence. It also allows us to increase our ability to hold many different connections at once and to know who and what to prioritize. Most importantly, we begin to appreciate congruent, creatively aligned individuals over the conflicted or confused relationships where need-fulfillment defines any opportunities. Now we are free to choose partners who we know will be creatively aligned and empowering.

Making the transition to creating aligned relationships is not easy. We need to ground ourselves so that we can take on these larger opportunities. We also begin to expand our support circles. These are people that are naturally attracted to us and looking for relationships with us because of our complimentary qualities. There are three support circles: Relationships, Life Work, and Community Development. They are the primary growth areas in our lives, providing the foundation that permits us to see others and be seen by them. They are also a natural source of deeper connections because they know and have insights about us. The more we trust them, the more they can trust us to be true supporters. We never know when one of these partners will make the right connection and refer another creatively aligned partner to us. Since we will explore many relationships to find the right expressions for us, it is good that we operate with little or no preconceptions. This is how we discover the best friendships, mentors, business and romantic partners.

The primary benefit of looking at all opportunities is that it increases our ability to love and be loved by many people. It also expands our ability to grow and be seen for our unique contributions. This takes balance, humility and openness. Whatever the world sends our way, it is our job to engage and discover what the opportunity is, or what the problem is in integrating them into the existing group. At this point, we do not compartmentalize our friends into different groups. All parties need to be able to interact with each other and also be independent. The ability of this group to support new members coming into it is one of the main indicators that we have created a congruent, energetic field around our purpose. This means we can let go of the role of trying to be the mediator between various people around us that don’t actually appreciate each other. When we have chosen individuals with enough autonomy and some intimacy, this process will work.

Energy, Time and Space take on a new meaning for us now that we see that all conflicts are played out between people based on these frameworks. Each individual has their own perception of Energy, Time and Space and these frameworks have different assumptions and priorities. CNG is the bridging technology neutralizing these differences moment to moment. CNG allows us to see where we are polarized and what type of problem is present, merely by tuning into the energy of the common space. This enables us to either neutralize the problems or, with individuals who are not willing to do so, to minimize their impact on us. Our ability to be sensitive to these differences is what allows us to anticipate problems and prevent them before they occur. Making choices based on our Creative Nature teaches us that not every individual has a positive effect upon us. The more we listen to our inner knowing, the easier our lives become.

Beauty, Truth and Goodness become our primary Motives for engaging life experiences. We want to not only see the Beauty outside of us, but also to experience Beauty within us. This sense of transpersonal Beauty transmutes our Sensations and Feelings, eliminating Objectification. The more we reconcile and refine our ability to see our Truth, the easier it is for us to own differences with others that can lead to awkwardness, irritation or outright conflict. The more we unify our Emotions and Thoughts, the greater compassion we have for our Truth and its relationship to others’ Truths. This leads to the elimination of Subjectification, where we do not try to place our Truth above the Truth of others. When we can unify our internal Goodness with the larger Goodness around us, it allows us to be conscious of how to move forward so that everyone is included. In this way, our Feelings and Emotions mirror our personal and transpersonal Desires, thereby eliminating Idealization.

Life, Light and Love become real experiences to us as our distortions (Objectification, Subjectification and Idealization) fall away. Due to society’s preoccupation with Defensive Distortions, very few people understand the motivating energies bringing about change in the universe. Life becomes activated as a sense of Aliveness where we energize the environment and the environment energizes us. Light becomes an internal type of knowing, or Wisdom where we can make distinctions without judgment. We learn how to deal with differences and uncomfortable similarities without becoming positional. Love becomes a real experience and not one manufactured to promote our safety, security or the need to be important. The key issue is that we now know how to receive Love as well as to share Love. The CNG becomes a structure that supports us in being balanced and present, while fully participating with everything surrounding us. We learn how to use Life, Light and Love energies in every part of our experiences in the CNG.

CNG facilitates the sharing of Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness. When a CNG is operating in an optimal manner, all parties in the CNG can be present with their own Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness as well as being open to the same qualities in others. In practice, this reflects maintaining a balance of Energy, Time and Space for our Self and our partners using a CNG. If we cut ourselves off from one of these qualities, it reduces our ability to connect with others, as well as their ability to connect to us. It is important to realize that self-judgments about what we can or cannot share with others have a detrimental affect on a partner’s ability to be with us. Wherever others are denying themselves, our presence becomes a point of healing for them. This is because we become an example they can immediately refer to and use to love themselves more. The alignment they experience is based on the fact that we are embodying CNG as an energetic reality.

Co-Creative exchanges distinguish this level from others. It is the beginning of finding an inner balance and freedom to follow our hearts. It is an indication that we have learned how to listen to others and be present with them. Building a network of Constituents, where we have free-flowing interactions, is the primary indicator we are operating at this level. In terms of CNG skills, this is expanded while working in situations of one-to-many, where group communication skills add value. When we develop greater stability in our own Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts, our ability to bring others together greatly expands. When we increase our ability to mirror and honor different experiences, we are able to embrace the uniqueness of the qualities we are reflecting in our own Communication Process. Some of us will move into simultaneous and equal Communication Process expression at this point.

Becoming balanced in our Self allows us to awaken to what is possible in our life. Some individuals would talk about this process as finding our creative destiny. We would talk about this as a natural emergence after being fearful and caught in our Personality Desires for acknowledgement. When we are no longer driven to perform, who are we? When we do not need to show up based on how others want us to be, what would we do or say that would be real? Just the process of gaining experience will deepen us at this level and will naturally mature in our understanding of others and ourselves. All the effort and need to grow will find a more natural and fulfilling way to show up. This occurs because in our greater creative embodiment, the richness of our life becomes more profound.

This is when we have more of a choice about how we want to grow and develop. Some individuals use their primary relationship in order to expand their horizons. They do this by working out solutions with their partner that enriches their life. Others choose their Authentic Life Expression as a way to develop a direct connection to their growth process, and it becomes the primary method for knowing if they are on or off the right track. Their business becomes their metaphor for building a better connection with the universe. If their business is thriving it becomes a measurement of the success of their connection. We will know more about these two paths and how we might synthesize them in Levels 5, 6 and 7. There is one other path that we could take, which is through community service and embodiment. On this path, we become an integrator in our community and seek to become an ombudsman for various parts of the community that do not have a voice. Which one of these three will we use to make our existing creative awareness something we actually manifest in our lives?