Pretenses
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Introduction to Pretenses
Pretenses are patterns of instinctive behavior that we use with others in exchange for getting some of our needs met. Pretenses are learned behaviors based on what we observed others doing to get the attention they wanted. As teenagers we adopted our Pretenses to get the things we wanted in life. Our Pretenses can grow up with us, as our perceived needs and ways of getting things to change. The four Pretenses are Expectations, Romantic Mythology, Control, and Seduction. Each pretense becomes a fixed position from which we negotiate the best deal we can. A pretense is a way of being that covers up a weakness by making it appear to be a strength. The more our partners believe it is strength, the more we can use it to create what we want in the relationship at their expense.
A Pretense is an unconscious activity that is a substitute for authentic Autonomy or Intimacy. Expectations and Romantic Mythology reflect a compromise in our Autonomy skills because we let others define how we act and what we do. Control and Seduction reflect a compromise in our Intimacy skills because we demand that others conform to us, and how we wish to operate. Expectations allows us to believe that we are helping others by being accountable, predictable and by doing what we say we will do. Romantic Mythology supports us in believing we are helping others by honoring their potential in being all they can be. Control supports us in believing that others need our assistance in keeping their life moving forward and optimally organized. Seduction allows us to believe that others need us more than we need them and they should be grateful for our presence.
Pretenses are easily identified by the unconscious activities people use to try to be seen by others. Expectation Pretense seeks attention. Romantic Mythology Pretense seeks adoration. Control Pretense seeks admiration. Seduction Pretense seeks unconscious approval. The more we feel the need to be accepted, the greater we will use our Pretenses to entangle others. This form of entanglement pulls both parties down because neither of us is being authentic with the other. The goal is for both parties to go unconscious together. We are actually seeking a way to know that our pretense has value in the eyes of the person we seek to influence. The more conscious a person is, the less we use Pretenses to be connected, because we understand the self-limiting nature of participating in a Pretense framework.
Whenever someone reflects one of our own Pretenses back (to us), we begin to appreciate their negative. We often feel impotent and frustrated because others do not need what we are offering. This eventually leads us to seek partners who will not have or use certain Pretenses that we react to. For example, if we perceive that a Pretense of Expectation limits our ability to be spontaneous and free, we may develop a reaction against others trying to create strong agreement about the rules under which we will engage each other. This is identified as having an anti-Expectation aspect. Anti-Expectation is a desire for others to be open and inclusive, and able to respond to circumstances however it seems appropriate at the time. Therefore, each Pretense can have an anti-Pretense reflection where we don’t want to feel trapped by how others do their pretense with us. Anti-Romantic Mythology aspect reflects a desire not to be seen as needing others to see our potential because we believe this reflects that they do not appreciate our power in the moment. Anti-Romantic Mythology is, therefore, a desire to have others honor and esteem us. Anti-Control reflects sensitivity to being at the affect of what others believe is the right and best way to do something. Anti-Control Pretense is a desire to have others treat us with respect. Anti-Seduction reflects our pain at previously being at the affect of others’ great intentions. Anti-Seduction Pretense is a desire to operate free of others’ desires to manipulate or influence us inappropriately. Eventually, we need to let go of our fears of being manipulated by renouncing our need to do any pretenses. As long as we do pretenses, we open ourselves up to being manipulated by others.
Most individuals begin with a pretense of Expectations and expand into other pretenses in order to create more versatility in superficially engaging others. Expectation and Seduction Pretenses are polar opposites and are instinctively attracted to each other, as are Romantic Mythology and Control. The way we can create tension is to adopt opposite Pretenses thus creating unconscious motivations to be with others. When we become frustrated that others we desire do not respond to us, we frequently adopt new pretenses as a way to get noticed by them. Pretenses are reinforced by what we see in relationships around us, movies, books and television. It isn’t until we realize that there is a better way of relating, that we can let go of these in-authentic, manipulative ways of operating. Once we learn about Pretenses and their negative impact in our relationships, it becomes easy to catch ourselves when we are doing one. This makes it easy to start releasing our Pretenses and start consciously connecting in our relationships!
Examining Our Pretenses
Expectation Pretense
With this strategy we attempt to keep from hurting others by compromising ourselves. If everyone is compromised equally, then we are together (at least) with the same problem. We end up matching our Expectations with our roles or internal models with the belief that we won’t be out of alignment with others. Focusing on our Expectations for our partners keeps us from having to deal with their expectations. Dealing with Expectations promotes role-playing and limits the authentic truth telling that could free the relationship. By being identified as a person with high Expectations, we can also be confused as a person with high self-esteem. When we operate from this Pretense, what we lose is our Aliveness and Authentic Life Expression. We naturally attract others practicing Expectations, Controllers, and occasionally Romantics.
The pretense of Expectation creates the belief that we need to be flexible and fluid with others, and that in return others will respond the same way. We unconsciously seek agreement and believe there is a right way to do everything. We can easily be identified by the belief that there is only one objective reality. We also tend to ignore differences. The underlying belief is that everyone is the same and that we all understand what our common basic needs are. People who are doing the pretense of Expectation therefore seem adjustable or adaptable within certain guidelines, and are unable to deal with people who don’t operate in conditioned ways. Expectations practitioners have a sense of standards and will give direct feedback when others do not meet those standards because we received imprinting about how things should be in our family of origin. Ironically, we are also attracted to the familiar dysfunctional patterns from our families and attempt to help these people by providing the structure we believe will help to “fix” them. In this way, we hope to be successful with current associates in ways we were previously unsuccessful in our family.
Expectations Pretense Objective: Getting others to agree with us.
I believe we should do ______________________________, don’t you?
No, don’t you agree it’s like ________(in-depth explanation)________?
Why aren’t you willing to treat me the way you treat __(person X)____?
(X) it’s difficult for me, why can’t we do it the way we’ve always done it?
Unconscious Assumption: We seek conformance to a pre-existing standard.
Affirms civility and “caring” by reinforcing comfort and familiarity
Believes there needs to be an agreement about how things work
Operates from a standard of how things “ought to be” in a good world
Is not happy when others question their intention or motives
Releasing Expectations
Acknowledge fears about what will happen, when they arise.
Be willing to engage more spontaneously or allow new possibilities to arise where we can discuss operating outside the box.
Honor and locate the fear in our physical body and practice speaking for it until it dissipates.
Recognize that the reaction does not need to keep us from taking action.
Consciously create the experience of safety and step into our past concern or experience.
See how the current situation is different from or similar to the past.
Stop seeking the agreement of others.
Joyfully explore new options and new ways of doing things.
Anti-Expectations
We are repulsed by the Expectations of others, because we no longer find the establishment of common rules of behavior creating safety for us. Instead, we now fear that others are defining how we need to respond to them in a way that limits our freedom of expression. As a result, we begin to feel attracted to those individuals who are also free spirits like us. We begin to appreciate that we don’t need to create a sense of safety by artificially limiting how we engage others or what we do with them. In effect, we open the door to letting go of preconceptions about how things should be because we trust that our natural way of being will be accepted by others we are with. Anti-Expectation reflects that we reject the notion that our conditions or past patterns of behavior define who we are. We are left with the natural impulse to explore our multi-faceted nature and seek out partners who will appreciate this about us. Eventually, we release Anti-Expectation patterns when we fully come to trust that we can interpret and create our experience in the moment in any way we wish, therefore, freeing us from any reactions to others’ expectations about us.
Romantic Mythology Pretense
With this strategy we only link up with others who complement the role we wish to play, or agree on the story we wish to act out. These stories arise from our favorite childhood fairy tales that appear to explain our childhood experience in the first eighteen months of our life. We seek out magical possibilities to offset the cold, mechanical reality we perceive is dominating our world. Acting from romantic scripts might be initially fulfilling until we realize that it is all fantasy, and promotes the idea that we are a victim of our love. By being identified as a Romantic, we can get away with inconsistent or irrational behavior that masks a lack of appropriate boundaries. When we operate from this pretense, what we lose is our Aliveness and Authentic Life Expression. We naturally attract Expectors and Seducers and have our greatest conflicts with Controllers.
The pretense of Romantic Mythology creates frameworks of feelings, and emotionally stimulating possibilities. The goal is to sell open-ended, ungrounded, idealistic, spontaneous approaches to living. People using this pretense therefore resist overt structure and preconditioned thinking. We wait for others to take the initiative in order to see if our potential partner knows what to do without our saying anything. If our partner’s expectations and actions are congruent with our own romantic story, then we believe this person is the ONE! We then engage others for the purpose of bringing in new ways of thinking and a sense of fantasy, which keeps us from grounding and manifesting our own vision. We typically sabotage our ideas by not taking appropriate steps to make them real. We would rather have the fantasy over the reality. Mythologists have a sense of waiting for the right things to occur, which, if they do, seem mystical and miraculous.
Romantic Mythology Pretense Objective: Getting others to enjoy our presence.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could fly to Paris to breakfast?
I support you being connected to the big picture of __________.
I’m honoring you, so you will engage and accept the possibility of _x_.
I love how you love me when you do __________________________.
Unconscious Assumption: We need to be hopeful and we discount our physical reality.
Affirms respect for others in making choices (provides support).
Believes in our imagination anything is possible, operates openly.
Operates from how things could be, encourages fantasy exploration.
Is not happy when others demand action, or refuse to play along.
Releasing Romantic Mythology
Affirm fear of being accountable to others. Make more “I” statements.
Take responsibility for appropriate self-action without automatically including others.
Honor and preemptively reveal intellectual fears of not measuring up and engage the ideas of others without needing to deny personal ideas.
Stop rescuing others.
Don’t allow ourselves to be distracted from our personal issues.
Simplify and take action immediately to make ideas real.
Anti-Romantic Mythology
We are repulsed by Romantic Mythology, because we are fed up with others’ fantasizing about things, which they never follow through on. Instead, we now fear that our engagement with others’ doing Romantic Mythology indicates that we have reached a stalemate where nothing will occur. As a result, we attempt to focus others doing Romantic Mythology into taking any action, rather than just talking about it. We begin to appreciate how others can sabotage themselves by constantly diverting their attention away from the obvious next steps. In effect, we need to let go of seeing action as the only way of moving forward and recognize that individuals need to be seen where they are before they can begin to move forward. Anti-Romantic Mythology means that we have come to an internal decision not to waste our energies or misuse our imagination to lose ourselves in our fantasies, realizing that doing so keeps us from being authentic within ourselves. We are left with the natural impulse to be balanced in the engagement of our life energy by taking appropriate action. We release Anti-Romantic Mythology patterns when we are no longer fearful that they will throw us off or distract us from our own development process.
Control Strategy Pretense
With this strategy we attempt to define the type and nature of interaction in order to avoid dealing with our vulnerabilities. We use strength of intellect to suppress investigation of emotional fears and as a result cut ourselves off from our inner wisdom and intuition. In our pursuit of intellect and rational understanding, our fixation becomes structure and the building of a congruent view, a reason to live. Unfortunately, often the passion and any spontaneous creative opportunities are lost. By focusing the conversation on behavior and actions, we deny our higher aspirations. Controlling others also keeps them from being able to control or influence us, putting us in a position of apparent power. When we operate from this Pretense, what we lose is our opportunity for Mutual Growth and Intimacy. We naturally attract Expectors, other Controllers, and Seducers.
The pretense of Control emphasizes intellectual self-sufficiency and aloneness to the point where outside support and enthusiasm are not accepted. We end up doing things ourselves because we believe others will not do them right. We do not find it easy to delegate. People who use the Control pretense must be seen as effective, grounded, and pragmatic doers. Our internal focus creates a sense of isolation and loneliness that ends up making us susceptible to romantic flights of fancy. Multiple layers of logic form the foundation on which a Controller creates a sense of expertise and focus that lets us feel capable of deciding things for others. Intellectually, we anticipate their objections, allowing us to overcome them with little effort. Controllers offset this intellectual superiority with our willingness to take care of people on intellectual levels by planning and preparing things for them. Our commitment is to find ways we can support others that don’t require emotional involvement. We sell our perception of reality as better. In this way we expect others to defer to us and trust our leadership. Controllers seem independent and self-determined without wanting any input.
Control Pretense Objective: Getting others to acknowledge & praise our expertise.
I really enjoy the ___________ when you let me do it my way.
By organizing _______ you will be more capable in __________.
I made plans for us to do _____________ because ___________.
Don’t you love me because I make the best decisions regarding ____?
Unconscious Assumption: We need to take charge, be directive, and discount our emotional reality.
Affirms esteem in others by encouraging practical action.
Believe problem solving and making decisions is our gift to.
Operates from a pro-active standard of how things are going to be.
Is not happy when others do not accept our authority or conclusions.
Releasing Control
Affirm fear of others not being accountable. Practice patience.
Recognize that others want to connect without the necessity of a pre-defined goal or outcome.
Support others in developing their own skills by letting them make mistakes.
Relax and allow others to support us in any process.
Share and own pre-identified areas of emotional sensitivity.
Neutralize anxieties by sharing vulnerabilities, demonstrating authentic strength. (How can we share our current weaknesses if we do not realize that we are bigger than they are.)
Anti-Control
We are repulsed by Control because we no longer want to control others because we realize it is an exhausting, no win scenario. Instead, we now fear we will be stuck with controlling partners because they are not willing to acknowledge their own fears. As a result, we attempt to take personal responsibility for what works for us and invite others to do the same. We begin to appreciate how healing ourselves of the need to control others, opens the door for others to be with us in non-controlling ways. In effect, we release our attachments to being at the affect of others and now see that just being ourselves, is enough. Anti-Control shows that we are still reacting to the perception of control, which connects to the illusion of outer power. As long as we fear getting lost in how others define themselves in terms of us, we will not be able to release ourselves from this pattern. We are left with the natural impulse to discipline ourselves, so we pay attention to our own boundaries, rather than attempting to establish boundaries for others. Eventually, we release Anti-Control patterns when we experience being a co-creative agent of the universe and no longer need to put our personality fears and desires on others.
Seduction Strategy Pretense
When we use a Seduction strategy we only link up with those who can be manipulated in order to protect ourselves. We may tell them that we are manipulating them for their own good, but it is seldom the case. When using Seduction it is easy to lose our compass or direction because we begin to believe the lies we tell others. Focusing on Seducing another keeps the discussion focused on promises that cannot be kept. We shift context and look for new angles when we approach others. Underneath, we do not believe we can be successful in our relationships by being who we are. When we operate from this pretense, what we lose is our opportunity for Mutual Growth and Intimacy. We naturally attract Romantics, other Seducers and Controllers. We do not do well with Expectors.
There are two levels of Seduction, one of which is relatively harmless and playful; the other preys on others to build self-esteem and respect. A simple Seducer does not take Seduction seriously and uses it as a playful exploration of differences and similarities. Master Seducers seeks to undermine and manipulate others in order to create the illusion that we are more powerful or capable than anyone else. The Pretense of Seduction, relates to individuals who need to seduce to survive. The pretense of Seduction operates only on those who are most naïve. As Seducers we exploit the doubts and confusion of our targets in order to obtain their acquiescence and obedience. We seek to change the minds of others indirectly by enlarging and enhancing problems so we have a greater influence in solving those problems. We use confusion and misdirection to enhance our own importance. We always subtly discount others’ choices in order to undermine their self-confidence. We succeed by undermining others’ Autonomy and Intimacy, collapsing boundaries that others have about themselves so they become servants to our wishes. The difference between a Pioneering or Creative Being and a Seducer is that a Pioneer/Creative Being will always honor others’ choices and will not expect others to do what they say. Free will is always sacrosanct for any individual who is conscious. Only if we have denied our creativity do we need to seduce others to enhance our power. Seducers always discount others’ autonomy and intimacy, and expect them to do what we say. Simply said, we will use guilt, blame, and shame indiscriminately to find the buttons others most wish to avoid. We seem flirtatious and suggestive, but are vindictive if not accepted.
Seduction Pretense Objective: Getting others to participate in our fantasies/desires.
I think you are a lot more sexy when you ______________.
Since I care about you… I want what is best for you, if you would only...
While I think you’re doing the best you can, I just wish more could be done about ____________________________________________.
If you’re willing to take care of _____________ for me, I will naturally want to do ___________________ for you.
While I like ________, it would be better if you would try___________.
Unconscious Assumption: We seek others’ affirmation at the cost of their well being.
Affirm our contribution by how much individuals accept our premises (by either being adoring and admiring of us).
Arrogantly believe we know what is best in any situation.
Want to change our victim’s perspective just to prove we can.
Are not happy and become vindictive when others ignore our invitation.
Releasing Seduction
Affirm fear of not being seen and valued by others.
Affirm personal creative power with others, not separated from others.
Express all uncertainty or doubt preemptively.
Acknowledge that we are developing our intuition and creativity.
Stop convincing others (at the cost of their truth) to do things just to prove we can.
Recognize that full personal Autonomy and Intimacy requires the full participation of others.
Work to uplift and honor the affirmative nature of others without any personal agenda.
Let go of attempting to define what others need.
Anti-Seduction
We are repulsed by Seduction, because we now recognize how we can lose ourselves in others and deny our own creative nature. We now fear that we will forget who we are, whenever somebody who appears strong and capable shows up. We believe we will become a follower because we are not as confident or experienced in our own creative expression. As a result, we attempt to choose associates who are not too flashy, confident or attractive, so we will not feel at the affect of them. We begin to appreciate that certain attributes or ways of being automatically trigger these fears, particularly when an individual seems smooth and resourceful. In effect, we need to disconnect our automatic associations with being subdued or unduly influenced when individuals have these particular attributes. Anti-Seduction means we are trying to regain our sense of our creative power without comparing ourselves to anyone else. We are left with the natural impulse to honor ourselves independently of others, recognizing that we each have our own natural path of development. Eventually, we release Anti-Seduction patterns when we no longer operate in a way that needs to be more or less powerful than others.
No Active Pretenses
When we let go of the need for pretenses, we are able to respond to others without getting lost in their perception of themselves. Instead of needing to reassure them, we internally affirm that they can reassure themselves and therefore do not get entangle in their self-perceived inadequacies. This does not mean that we do not affirm them, just that we do not affirm them in response to their pretense patterns. This does mean that it is difficult to affirm them when they are fully in their Pretenses and are not comfortable showing up in our relationship with them. Operating without Pretenses also requires that we are no longer traumatized by the rejection of others. Instead, we see any rejection as a self-affirming indication that we are not on the same path and there is no need for any further engagement.
Viewing rejection as a completion, which frees our energy to move in other directions, takes away the negative inference that we are somehow inadequate, unlovable or not wanted. What it really says is that somehow, in another’s eyes, we are not appropriate for them at this time. It is common for individuals who are creatively self-denied, to reject those individuals without pretenses. Unconscious individuals become more uncomfortable, the more they realize that others’ are not using Pretenses to reassure them. In this way, not playing into Pretenses naturally eliminates those individuals in our life who need Pretenses to engage. Neutralizing Pretenses has the effect of not reinforcing the Instinctive attractions of Excitement, where the appearance of Sexiness, Intelligence and Reliability dominates other forms of attraction.
Clues To Seeing Pretenses
Pretenses are easily identified by the unconscious activities we use to try to be accepted. The more we feel we need acceptance, the greater we will use Pretenses to entangle others. Our goal is to go unconscious together. We are actually seeking a way to know that our Pretense has value in the eyes of the person we seek to influence. The more conscious we become, the less we use Pretenses to be connected, because we understand the self-limiting nature of participating in a Pretense framework.
The Pretense of Expectation creates the belief that we need to be flexible and fluid with others, and that in return others will respond the same way. We seek agreement unconsciously and believe there is a right way to do everything. We can easily be identified by the belief that there is only one objective reality. We also tend to ignore differences. The underlying belief is that everyone is the same and that we all understand what our common basic needs are. People who are doing the pretense of Expectations therefore seem adjustable or adaptable within certain guidelines, and are unable to deal with people who don’t operate in conditioned ways. Expectors have a sense of standards we are known for, and will give direct feedback when others do not meet those standards.
The pretense of Romantic Mythology creates infinite emotionally stimulating possibilities. The goal is to sell open-ended, ungrounded, idealistic, spontaneous approaches to living. We use this pretense to resist overt structure and preconditioned thinking. We wait for others to take the initiative to see if our potential partner knows what to do without our saying anything. If our partner’s expectations and actions are congruent with our own romantic story, then we believe this person is the ONE! We engage others for the purpose of bringing in new ideas and a sense of fantasy, which keeps us from grounding and manifesting our own vision. We typically sabotage our ideas by not taking appropriate steps to make them real. We would rather have the fantasy over the reality. We have a sense of waiting for the right things to occur, which, if they do, seems mystical and miraculous.
The pretense of Control emphasizes intellectual self-sufficiency and aloneness to the point where outside support and enthusiasm are not accepted. We end up doing things ourselves because we believe others will not do them right. We do not find it easy to delegate. We must be seen as effective, grounded, and pragmatic doers. Our internal focus creates a sense of isolation and loneliness that ends up making us susceptible to romantic flights of fancy. Multiple layers of logic form the foundation on which we create a sense of expertise and focus that lets us feel capable of deciding things for others. Intellectually, anticipating the objections of others, allows us to overcome them with little effort. Controllers offset this intellectual superiority with our willingness to take care of people on intellectual levels by planning and preparing things for them. Our commitment is to find ways we can support others that don’t require emotional involvement. We sell our perception of reality as better than that of others. In this way we expect others to defer to us and trust our leadership. Controllers seem independent and self-determined without wanting any input.
The pretense of Seduction operates only on those who are most naïve. As Seducers we exploit the doubts and confusion of our targets in order to obtain their acquiescence and obedience. We seek to change the minds of others indirectly by enlarging and enhancing problems so we have a greater influence in solving the problems. We use confusion and misdirection to enhance our own importance and subtly discount others’ choices to undermine their self-confidence. We succeed by undermining others’ autonomy and intimacy, collapsing their boundaries so they become slaves to our wishes. The difference between a Pioneering person and a Seducer is that a Pioneer will always honor others’ choices and will not expect others to do what they say, whereas a Seducer will always discount others’ autonomy and intimacy, and will expect them to do what they say. Simply said, we will use guilt, blame, and shame indiscriminately to find the buttons others most wish to avoid. We seem flirtatious and suggestive, but are vindictive if not accepted.
Validating Our Pretenses
1. How do we most likely get caught in mindless support of others?
a) Feeling we have to define ourselves in a way they will like and accept? (Expectation)
b) Hoping others will come out and play in a romantic way with pre-established, unspoken expectations? (Romantic Mythology)
c) Conveying a sense of expertise and certainty with an ability to physically deliver what is needed in a situation? (Control)
d) Do we try to help another by showing them they could be just as good as we are by following our advice? (Seduction)
2. What is our favorite way to grow?
a) Looking at what fits our current understanding, creating a sense of stability? (Expectations)
b) By focusing on ideas that don’t seem to fit, thus becoming more inclusive? (Romantic Mythology)
c) Focusing on things that matter most, becoming exclusive? (Control)
d) Focusing on what we have in common with another so we can discover a way for them to support our agenda? (Seduction)
3. In our childhood did we feel:
a) A victim of circumstances? (Expectations)
b) Like a person who overcame the odds by rescuing others? (Romantic Mythology)
c) Someone with insights and information that others didn’t listen to? (Controller)
d) We were ignored, except when we were resolving conflicts and negotiating solutions? (Seducer)
4. Do we deny or limit our Autonomy or Intimacy more?
Autonomy: Ability to tell our truth harmlessly
Intimacy: Ability to create a safe space where our truth and others’ truths can be heard and honored.
a) If Autonomy, do we compromise overtly by discussing things and negotiating upfront exchanges (Expectations) or do we expect them to know automatically what we need, and are then unwilling to provide guidelines for fear of ruining our fun (Romantic Mythology)?
b) If Intimacy, do we compromise overtly by attempting to establish the framework of any action or discussion in advance, requiring others to engage us on our own terms (Control), or do we covertly seek to compromise others by having them doubt their own truth so our truth will have greater prominence and strength (Seduction)?
c) If neither, do we attempt to encourage the natural creativity of others by refusing to let them compromise themselves for us in any way, and asking them to act in their highest good? If we have both the commitment and constitution to avoid being compromised or compromising others, then pretenses are more than likely a thing of the past.
Pretense Scenarios
HIGHLIGHTING EXPECTATIONS AND SEDUCTION
Overheard in a Barnes & Noble Bookstore:
Expectations Person: I don’t understand why they changed the type of cappuccino they were offering! I was just getting used to it. This one doesn’t taste as good.
Seduction Person: Well, they were probably just cost cutting and looking for the best deal. What do you expect?
Expectations Person: I expect them to maintain some consistency, and that they want to keep me as a customer. Instead, that sales clerk didn’t even care enough to tell me in advance that this was a different blend.
Seduction Person: You just can’t trust people like you used to…it seems to be getting worse all the time.
Expectations Person: Maybe I should ask for my money back. Unfortunately, I need a caffeine fix right now.
Seduction Person: Well, it’s up to you, of course, but I would at least complain to management.
Expectations Person: What good would that do?
Seduction Person: By complaining, they will probably provide you with a few discount coupons, depending on how upset you get, of course.
Expectations Person: You mean, the more angry I get, the more they will give me?
Seduction Person: Of course. I have helped many of my special friends get what they deserve in situations just like this. I think you should remember a time from the past when you were screwed out of something you deserved and get into the experience before you go to see the manager, who’s just down this aisle.
The Expectation Person goes away to complain, then comes back smiling…
Expectations Person: Well, you were sure right. I got a coupon for several free cappuccinos as well as some coupons for deep discounts on books.
Seduction Person: Didn’t I tell you? I am glad you followed my advice and got something for your inconvenience.
Expectations Person: How about I give you some of these coupons?
Seduction Person: No, I think you deserve them the most. Wasn’t it great doing something that you usually don’t do?
Expectations Person: Yeah! I feel great and even a little more powerful.
Seduction Person: That is the way we should always feel. When you are with me, I want you to remember what it feels like to push the boundaries a little and live. That is one of the greatest benefits of being around me; I keep people awake, invigorated, and excited.
Expectations Person: Well, I sure feel that way now. What are we going to do next?
Seduction Person: Perhaps you would enjoy a drive out to lookout point so we can watch the stars, take in the view, then settle into my great sound system.
Expectations Person: It sounds like a great idea, but I was not planning to be out late tonight.
Seduction Person: I didn’t say it had to be late. I believe I could get you back home by 11:00 p.m. It looks like a great night. It would be a shame to miss this opportunity.
Expectations Person: Yes it would, but you have to promise me we will be back at my house by 11 p.m., okay?
Seduction Person: You have my word.
HIGHLIGHTING CONTROL AND ROMANTIC MYTHOLOGY
Two individuals are attempting to plan a date over the phone. They have been out several times before,
and are interested in getting more physically and emotionally engaged.
Control Person: Are you sure that there are no picnic sites available at Beaver Creek?
Romantic Mythology Person: I called them and they told me it was all booked up.
Control Person: What about the on-line sites?
Romantic Mythology Person: What on-line sites?
Control Person: That is what I was afraid of. There are several sites on the far mountain that you can reserve on-line.
Romantic Mythology Person: No one told me about them. How do you make reservations?
Control Person: I’m doing that right now. I have reserved site #21A for us for tomorrow. Now, about groceries, I would like you to get the cheese and grilled chicken at Whole Foods, and a good Chardonnay from the gourmet shop down the street. Don’t forget the blanket and the tube tent in case the weather gets bad.
Romantic Mythology Person: Did you hear it could get bad? I thought the weathercaster said it was sunny and in the 60’s and 70’s in the Beaver Creek area.
Control Person: I always believe in being prepared. So you will pick me up at 7:00 a.m.?
Romantic Mythology Person: That seems awfully early! Can’t we start at 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. instead?
Control Person: No, I scheduled the trip so we arrive at the site at 10:00 a.m. Then we can get set up, eat, and go hiking for the rest of the afternoon. It will be a great adventure.
Romantic Mythology Person: I was hoping for a little more spontaneity or an opportunity to explore what we want to do on the spot. Are you interested in keeping an open mind about what we end up doing?
Control Person: It would help me to optimize what we are doing if we could follow a general schedule. I think you have to have some structure in order to make things work, don’t you?
Romantic Mythology Person: No, I don’t think we will have a better time if everything is known. I enjoy myself more when I just go with the flow and take advantage of those unique opportunities that unpredictably appear. Don’t you want to be swept away by the appearance of something unexpected?
Control Person: You are a lot more romantic than I imagined. I guess I like to be more practical and plan things more than you.
Romantic Mythology Person: I respect your planning skills and love the way that you have organized everything. I hope that we have time to really get to know each other.
Control Person: I know we will.
Introduction to Pretenses
Pretenses are patterns of instinctive behavior that we use with others in exchange for getting some of our needs met. Pretenses are learned behaviors based on what we observed others doing to get the attention they wanted. As teenagers we adopted our Pretenses to get the things we wanted in life. Our Pretenses can grow up with us, as our perceived needs and ways of getting things to change. The four Pretenses are Expectations, Romantic Mythology, Control, and Seduction. Each pretense becomes a fixed position from which we negotiate the best deal we can. A pretense is a way of being that covers up a weakness by making it appear to be a strength. The more our partners believe it is strength, the more we can use it to create what we want in the relationship at their expense.
A Pretense is an unconscious activity that is a substitute for authentic Autonomy or Intimacy. Expectations and Romantic Mythology reflect a compromise in our Autonomy skills because we let others define how we act and what we do. Control and Seduction reflect a compromise in our Intimacy skills because we demand that others conform to us, and how we wish to operate. Expectations allows us to believe that we are helping others by being accountable, predictable and by doing what we say we will do. Romantic Mythology supports us in believing we are helping others by honoring their potential in being all they can be. Control supports us in believing that others need our assistance in keeping their life moving forward and optimally organized. Seduction allows us to believe that others need us more than we need them and they should be grateful for our presence.
Pretenses are easily identified by the unconscious activities people use to try to be seen by others. Expectation Pretense seeks attention. Romantic Mythology Pretense seeks adoration. Control Pretense seeks admiration. Seduction Pretense seeks unconscious approval. The more we feel the need to be accepted, the greater we will use our Pretenses to entangle others. This form of entanglement pulls both parties down because neither of us is being authentic with the other. The goal is for both parties to go unconscious together. We are actually seeking a way to know that our pretense has value in the eyes of the person we seek to influence. The more conscious a person is, the less we use Pretenses to be connected, because we understand the self-limiting nature of participating in a Pretense framework.
Whenever someone reflects one of our own Pretenses back (to us), we begin to appreciate their negative. We often feel impotent and frustrated because others do not need what we are offering. This eventually leads us to seek partners who will not have or use certain Pretenses that we react to. For example, if we perceive that a Pretense of Expectation limits our ability to be spontaneous and free, we may develop a reaction against others trying to create strong agreement about the rules under which we will engage each other. This is identified as having an anti-Expectation aspect. Anti-Expectation is a desire for others to be open and inclusive, and able to respond to circumstances however it seems appropriate at the time. Therefore, each Pretense can have an anti-Pretense reflection where we don’t want to feel trapped by how others do their pretense with us. Anti-Romantic Mythology aspect reflects a desire not to be seen as needing others to see our potential because we believe this reflects that they do not appreciate our power in the moment. Anti-Romantic Mythology is, therefore, a desire to have others honor and esteem us. Anti-Control reflects sensitivity to being at the affect of what others believe is the right and best way to do something. Anti-Control Pretense is a desire to have others treat us with respect. Anti-Seduction reflects our pain at previously being at the affect of others’ great intentions. Anti-Seduction Pretense is a desire to operate free of others’ desires to manipulate or influence us inappropriately. Eventually, we need to let go of our fears of being manipulated by renouncing our need to do any pretenses. As long as we do pretenses, we open ourselves up to being manipulated by others.
Most individuals begin with a pretense of Expectations and expand into other pretenses in order to create more versatility in superficially engaging others. Expectation and Seduction Pretenses are polar opposites and are instinctively attracted to each other, as are Romantic Mythology and Control. The way we can create tension is to adopt opposite Pretenses thus creating unconscious motivations to be with others. When we become frustrated that others we desire do not respond to us, we frequently adopt new pretenses as a way to get noticed by them. Pretenses are reinforced by what we see in relationships around us, movies, books and television. It isn’t until we realize that there is a better way of relating, that we can let go of these in-authentic, manipulative ways of operating. Once we learn about Pretenses and their negative impact in our relationships, it becomes easy to catch ourselves when we are doing one. This makes it easy to start releasing our Pretenses and start consciously connecting in our relationships!
Examining Our Pretenses
Expectation Pretense
With this strategy we attempt to keep from hurting others by compromising ourselves. If everyone is compromised equally, then we are together (at least) with the same problem. We end up matching our Expectations with our roles or internal models with the belief that we won’t be out of alignment with others. Focusing on our Expectations for our partners keeps us from having to deal with their expectations. Dealing with Expectations promotes role-playing and limits the authentic truth telling that could free the relationship. By being identified as a person with high Expectations, we can also be confused as a person with high self-esteem. When we operate from this Pretense, what we lose is our Aliveness and Authentic Life Expression. We naturally attract others practicing Expectations, Controllers, and occasionally Romantics.
The pretense of Expectation creates the belief that we need to be flexible and fluid with others, and that in return others will respond the same way. We unconsciously seek agreement and believe there is a right way to do everything. We can easily be identified by the belief that there is only one objective reality. We also tend to ignore differences. The underlying belief is that everyone is the same and that we all understand what our common basic needs are. People who are doing the pretense of Expectation therefore seem adjustable or adaptable within certain guidelines, and are unable to deal with people who don’t operate in conditioned ways. Expectations practitioners have a sense of standards and will give direct feedback when others do not meet those standards because we received imprinting about how things should be in our family of origin. Ironically, we are also attracted to the familiar dysfunctional patterns from our families and attempt to help these people by providing the structure we believe will help to “fix” them. In this way, we hope to be successful with current associates in ways we were previously unsuccessful in our family.
Expectations Pretense Objective: Getting others to agree with us.
I believe we should do ______________________________, don’t you?
No, don’t you agree it’s like ________(in-depth explanation)________?
Why aren’t you willing to treat me the way you treat __(person X)____?
(X) it’s difficult for me, why can’t we do it the way we’ve always done it?
Unconscious Assumption: We seek conformance to a pre-existing standard.
Affirms civility and “caring” by reinforcing comfort and familiarity
Believes there needs to be an agreement about how things work
Operates from a standard of how things “ought to be” in a good world
Is not happy when others question their intention or motives
Releasing Expectations
Acknowledge fears about what will happen, when they arise.
Be willing to engage more spontaneously or allow new possibilities to arise where we can discuss operating outside the box.
Honor and locate the fear in our physical body and practice speaking for it until it dissipates.
Recognize that the reaction does not need to keep us from taking action.
Consciously create the experience of safety and step into our past concern or experience.
See how the current situation is different from or similar to the past.
Stop seeking the agreement of others.
Joyfully explore new options and new ways of doing things.
Anti-Expectations
We are repulsed by the Expectations of others, because we no longer find the establishment of common rules of behavior creating safety for us. Instead, we now fear that others are defining how we need to respond to them in a way that limits our freedom of expression. As a result, we begin to feel attracted to those individuals who are also free spirits like us. We begin to appreciate that we don’t need to create a sense of safety by artificially limiting how we engage others or what we do with them. In effect, we open the door to letting go of preconceptions about how things should be because we trust that our natural way of being will be accepted by others we are with. Anti-Expectation reflects that we reject the notion that our conditions or past patterns of behavior define who we are. We are left with the natural impulse to explore our multi-faceted nature and seek out partners who will appreciate this about us. Eventually, we release Anti-Expectation patterns when we fully come to trust that we can interpret and create our experience in the moment in any way we wish, therefore, freeing us from any reactions to others’ expectations about us.
Romantic Mythology Pretense
With this strategy we only link up with others who complement the role we wish to play, or agree on the story we wish to act out. These stories arise from our favorite childhood fairy tales that appear to explain our childhood experience in the first eighteen months of our life. We seek out magical possibilities to offset the cold, mechanical reality we perceive is dominating our world. Acting from romantic scripts might be initially fulfilling until we realize that it is all fantasy, and promotes the idea that we are a victim of our love. By being identified as a Romantic, we can get away with inconsistent or irrational behavior that masks a lack of appropriate boundaries. When we operate from this pretense, what we lose is our Aliveness and Authentic Life Expression. We naturally attract Expectors and Seducers and have our greatest conflicts with Controllers.
The pretense of Romantic Mythology creates frameworks of feelings, and emotionally stimulating possibilities. The goal is to sell open-ended, ungrounded, idealistic, spontaneous approaches to living. People using this pretense therefore resist overt structure and preconditioned thinking. We wait for others to take the initiative in order to see if our potential partner knows what to do without our saying anything. If our partner’s expectations and actions are congruent with our own romantic story, then we believe this person is the ONE! We then engage others for the purpose of bringing in new ways of thinking and a sense of fantasy, which keeps us from grounding and manifesting our own vision. We typically sabotage our ideas by not taking appropriate steps to make them real. We would rather have the fantasy over the reality. Mythologists have a sense of waiting for the right things to occur, which, if they do, seem mystical and miraculous.
Romantic Mythology Pretense Objective: Getting others to enjoy our presence.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could fly to Paris to breakfast?
I support you being connected to the big picture of __________.
I’m honoring you, so you will engage and accept the possibility of _x_.
I love how you love me when you do __________________________.
Unconscious Assumption: We need to be hopeful and we discount our physical reality.
Affirms respect for others in making choices (provides support).
Believes in our imagination anything is possible, operates openly.
Operates from how things could be, encourages fantasy exploration.
Is not happy when others demand action, or refuse to play along.
Releasing Romantic Mythology
Affirm fear of being accountable to others. Make more “I” statements.
Take responsibility for appropriate self-action without automatically including others.
Honor and preemptively reveal intellectual fears of not measuring up and engage the ideas of others without needing to deny personal ideas.
Stop rescuing others.
Don’t allow ourselves to be distracted from our personal issues.
Simplify and take action immediately to make ideas real.
Anti-Romantic Mythology
We are repulsed by Romantic Mythology, because we are fed up with others’ fantasizing about things, which they never follow through on. Instead, we now fear that our engagement with others’ doing Romantic Mythology indicates that we have reached a stalemate where nothing will occur. As a result, we attempt to focus others doing Romantic Mythology into taking any action, rather than just talking about it. We begin to appreciate how others can sabotage themselves by constantly diverting their attention away from the obvious next steps. In effect, we need to let go of seeing action as the only way of moving forward and recognize that individuals need to be seen where they are before they can begin to move forward. Anti-Romantic Mythology means that we have come to an internal decision not to waste our energies or misuse our imagination to lose ourselves in our fantasies, realizing that doing so keeps us from being authentic within ourselves. We are left with the natural impulse to be balanced in the engagement of our life energy by taking appropriate action. We release Anti-Romantic Mythology patterns when we are no longer fearful that they will throw us off or distract us from our own development process.
Control Strategy Pretense
With this strategy we attempt to define the type and nature of interaction in order to avoid dealing with our vulnerabilities. We use strength of intellect to suppress investigation of emotional fears and as a result cut ourselves off from our inner wisdom and intuition. In our pursuit of intellect and rational understanding, our fixation becomes structure and the building of a congruent view, a reason to live. Unfortunately, often the passion and any spontaneous creative opportunities are lost. By focusing the conversation on behavior and actions, we deny our higher aspirations. Controlling others also keeps them from being able to control or influence us, putting us in a position of apparent power. When we operate from this Pretense, what we lose is our opportunity for Mutual Growth and Intimacy. We naturally attract Expectors, other Controllers, and Seducers.
The pretense of Control emphasizes intellectual self-sufficiency and aloneness to the point where outside support and enthusiasm are not accepted. We end up doing things ourselves because we believe others will not do them right. We do not find it easy to delegate. People who use the Control pretense must be seen as effective, grounded, and pragmatic doers. Our internal focus creates a sense of isolation and loneliness that ends up making us susceptible to romantic flights of fancy. Multiple layers of logic form the foundation on which a Controller creates a sense of expertise and focus that lets us feel capable of deciding things for others. Intellectually, we anticipate their objections, allowing us to overcome them with little effort. Controllers offset this intellectual superiority with our willingness to take care of people on intellectual levels by planning and preparing things for them. Our commitment is to find ways we can support others that don’t require emotional involvement. We sell our perception of reality as better. In this way we expect others to defer to us and trust our leadership. Controllers seem independent and self-determined without wanting any input.
Control Pretense Objective: Getting others to acknowledge & praise our expertise.
I really enjoy the ___________ when you let me do it my way.
By organizing _______ you will be more capable in __________.
I made plans for us to do _____________ because ___________.
Don’t you love me because I make the best decisions regarding ____?
Unconscious Assumption: We need to take charge, be directive, and discount our emotional reality.
Affirms esteem in others by encouraging practical action.
Believe problem solving and making decisions is our gift to.
Operates from a pro-active standard of how things are going to be.
Is not happy when others do not accept our authority or conclusions.
Releasing Control
Affirm fear of others not being accountable. Practice patience.
Recognize that others want to connect without the necessity of a pre-defined goal or outcome.
Support others in developing their own skills by letting them make mistakes.
Relax and allow others to support us in any process.
Share and own pre-identified areas of emotional sensitivity.
Neutralize anxieties by sharing vulnerabilities, demonstrating authentic strength. (How can we share our current weaknesses if we do not realize that we are bigger than they are.)
Anti-Control
We are repulsed by Control because we no longer want to control others because we realize it is an exhausting, no win scenario. Instead, we now fear we will be stuck with controlling partners because they are not willing to acknowledge their own fears. As a result, we attempt to take personal responsibility for what works for us and invite others to do the same. We begin to appreciate how healing ourselves of the need to control others, opens the door for others to be with us in non-controlling ways. In effect, we release our attachments to being at the affect of others and now see that just being ourselves, is enough. Anti-Control shows that we are still reacting to the perception of control, which connects to the illusion of outer power. As long as we fear getting lost in how others define themselves in terms of us, we will not be able to release ourselves from this pattern. We are left with the natural impulse to discipline ourselves, so we pay attention to our own boundaries, rather than attempting to establish boundaries for others. Eventually, we release Anti-Control patterns when we experience being a co-creative agent of the universe and no longer need to put our personality fears and desires on others.
Seduction Strategy Pretense
When we use a Seduction strategy we only link up with those who can be manipulated in order to protect ourselves. We may tell them that we are manipulating them for their own good, but it is seldom the case. When using Seduction it is easy to lose our compass or direction because we begin to believe the lies we tell others. Focusing on Seducing another keeps the discussion focused on promises that cannot be kept. We shift context and look for new angles when we approach others. Underneath, we do not believe we can be successful in our relationships by being who we are. When we operate from this pretense, what we lose is our opportunity for Mutual Growth and Intimacy. We naturally attract Romantics, other Seducers and Controllers. We do not do well with Expectors.
There are two levels of Seduction, one of which is relatively harmless and playful; the other preys on others to build self-esteem and respect. A simple Seducer does not take Seduction seriously and uses it as a playful exploration of differences and similarities. Master Seducers seeks to undermine and manipulate others in order to create the illusion that we are more powerful or capable than anyone else. The Pretense of Seduction, relates to individuals who need to seduce to survive. The pretense of Seduction operates only on those who are most naïve. As Seducers we exploit the doubts and confusion of our targets in order to obtain their acquiescence and obedience. We seek to change the minds of others indirectly by enlarging and enhancing problems so we have a greater influence in solving those problems. We use confusion and misdirection to enhance our own importance. We always subtly discount others’ choices in order to undermine their self-confidence. We succeed by undermining others’ Autonomy and Intimacy, collapsing boundaries that others have about themselves so they become servants to our wishes. The difference between a Pioneering or Creative Being and a Seducer is that a Pioneer/Creative Being will always honor others’ choices and will not expect others to do what they say. Free will is always sacrosanct for any individual who is conscious. Only if we have denied our creativity do we need to seduce others to enhance our power. Seducers always discount others’ autonomy and intimacy, and expect them to do what we say. Simply said, we will use guilt, blame, and shame indiscriminately to find the buttons others most wish to avoid. We seem flirtatious and suggestive, but are vindictive if not accepted.
Seduction Pretense Objective: Getting others to participate in our fantasies/desires.
I think you are a lot more sexy when you ______________.
Since I care about you… I want what is best for you, if you would only...
While I think you’re doing the best you can, I just wish more could be done about ____________________________________________.
If you’re willing to take care of _____________ for me, I will naturally want to do ___________________ for you.
While I like ________, it would be better if you would try___________.
Unconscious Assumption: We seek others’ affirmation at the cost of their well being.
Affirm our contribution by how much individuals accept our premises (by either being adoring and admiring of us).
Arrogantly believe we know what is best in any situation.
Want to change our victim’s perspective just to prove we can.
Are not happy and become vindictive when others ignore our invitation.
Releasing Seduction
Affirm fear of not being seen and valued by others.
Affirm personal creative power with others, not separated from others.
Express all uncertainty or doubt preemptively.
Acknowledge that we are developing our intuition and creativity.
Stop convincing others (at the cost of their truth) to do things just to prove we can.
Recognize that full personal Autonomy and Intimacy requires the full participation of others.
Work to uplift and honor the affirmative nature of others without any personal agenda.
Let go of attempting to define what others need.
Anti-Seduction
We are repulsed by Seduction, because we now recognize how we can lose ourselves in others and deny our own creative nature. We now fear that we will forget who we are, whenever somebody who appears strong and capable shows up. We believe we will become a follower because we are not as confident or experienced in our own creative expression. As a result, we attempt to choose associates who are not too flashy, confident or attractive, so we will not feel at the affect of them. We begin to appreciate that certain attributes or ways of being automatically trigger these fears, particularly when an individual seems smooth and resourceful. In effect, we need to disconnect our automatic associations with being subdued or unduly influenced when individuals have these particular attributes. Anti-Seduction means we are trying to regain our sense of our creative power without comparing ourselves to anyone else. We are left with the natural impulse to honor ourselves independently of others, recognizing that we each have our own natural path of development. Eventually, we release Anti-Seduction patterns when we no longer operate in a way that needs to be more or less powerful than others.
No Active Pretenses
When we let go of the need for pretenses, we are able to respond to others without getting lost in their perception of themselves. Instead of needing to reassure them, we internally affirm that they can reassure themselves and therefore do not get entangle in their self-perceived inadequacies. This does not mean that we do not affirm them, just that we do not affirm them in response to their pretense patterns. This does mean that it is difficult to affirm them when they are fully in their Pretenses and are not comfortable showing up in our relationship with them. Operating without Pretenses also requires that we are no longer traumatized by the rejection of others. Instead, we see any rejection as a self-affirming indication that we are not on the same path and there is no need for any further engagement.
Viewing rejection as a completion, which frees our energy to move in other directions, takes away the negative inference that we are somehow inadequate, unlovable or not wanted. What it really says is that somehow, in another’s eyes, we are not appropriate for them at this time. It is common for individuals who are creatively self-denied, to reject those individuals without pretenses. Unconscious individuals become more uncomfortable, the more they realize that others’ are not using Pretenses to reassure them. In this way, not playing into Pretenses naturally eliminates those individuals in our life who need Pretenses to engage. Neutralizing Pretenses has the effect of not reinforcing the Instinctive attractions of Excitement, where the appearance of Sexiness, Intelligence and Reliability dominates other forms of attraction.
Clues To Seeing Pretenses
Pretenses are easily identified by the unconscious activities we use to try to be accepted. The more we feel we need acceptance, the greater we will use Pretenses to entangle others. Our goal is to go unconscious together. We are actually seeking a way to know that our Pretense has value in the eyes of the person we seek to influence. The more conscious we become, the less we use Pretenses to be connected, because we understand the self-limiting nature of participating in a Pretense framework.
The Pretense of Expectation creates the belief that we need to be flexible and fluid with others, and that in return others will respond the same way. We seek agreement unconsciously and believe there is a right way to do everything. We can easily be identified by the belief that there is only one objective reality. We also tend to ignore differences. The underlying belief is that everyone is the same and that we all understand what our common basic needs are. People who are doing the pretense of Expectations therefore seem adjustable or adaptable within certain guidelines, and are unable to deal with people who don’t operate in conditioned ways. Expectors have a sense of standards we are known for, and will give direct feedback when others do not meet those standards.
The pretense of Romantic Mythology creates infinite emotionally stimulating possibilities. The goal is to sell open-ended, ungrounded, idealistic, spontaneous approaches to living. We use this pretense to resist overt structure and preconditioned thinking. We wait for others to take the initiative to see if our potential partner knows what to do without our saying anything. If our partner’s expectations and actions are congruent with our own romantic story, then we believe this person is the ONE! We engage others for the purpose of bringing in new ideas and a sense of fantasy, which keeps us from grounding and manifesting our own vision. We typically sabotage our ideas by not taking appropriate steps to make them real. We would rather have the fantasy over the reality. We have a sense of waiting for the right things to occur, which, if they do, seems mystical and miraculous.
The pretense of Control emphasizes intellectual self-sufficiency and aloneness to the point where outside support and enthusiasm are not accepted. We end up doing things ourselves because we believe others will not do them right. We do not find it easy to delegate. We must be seen as effective, grounded, and pragmatic doers. Our internal focus creates a sense of isolation and loneliness that ends up making us susceptible to romantic flights of fancy. Multiple layers of logic form the foundation on which we create a sense of expertise and focus that lets us feel capable of deciding things for others. Intellectually, anticipating the objections of others, allows us to overcome them with little effort. Controllers offset this intellectual superiority with our willingness to take care of people on intellectual levels by planning and preparing things for them. Our commitment is to find ways we can support others that don’t require emotional involvement. We sell our perception of reality as better than that of others. In this way we expect others to defer to us and trust our leadership. Controllers seem independent and self-determined without wanting any input.
The pretense of Seduction operates only on those who are most naïve. As Seducers we exploit the doubts and confusion of our targets in order to obtain their acquiescence and obedience. We seek to change the minds of others indirectly by enlarging and enhancing problems so we have a greater influence in solving the problems. We use confusion and misdirection to enhance our own importance and subtly discount others’ choices to undermine their self-confidence. We succeed by undermining others’ autonomy and intimacy, collapsing their boundaries so they become slaves to our wishes. The difference between a Pioneering person and a Seducer is that a Pioneer will always honor others’ choices and will not expect others to do what they say, whereas a Seducer will always discount others’ autonomy and intimacy, and will expect them to do what they say. Simply said, we will use guilt, blame, and shame indiscriminately to find the buttons others most wish to avoid. We seem flirtatious and suggestive, but are vindictive if not accepted.
Validating Our Pretenses
1. How do we most likely get caught in mindless support of others?
a) Feeling we have to define ourselves in a way they will like and accept? (Expectation)
b) Hoping others will come out and play in a romantic way with pre-established, unspoken expectations? (Romantic Mythology)
c) Conveying a sense of expertise and certainty with an ability to physically deliver what is needed in a situation? (Control)
d) Do we try to help another by showing them they could be just as good as we are by following our advice? (Seduction)
2. What is our favorite way to grow?
a) Looking at what fits our current understanding, creating a sense of stability? (Expectations)
b) By focusing on ideas that don’t seem to fit, thus becoming more inclusive? (Romantic Mythology)
c) Focusing on things that matter most, becoming exclusive? (Control)
d) Focusing on what we have in common with another so we can discover a way for them to support our agenda? (Seduction)
3. In our childhood did we feel:
a) A victim of circumstances? (Expectations)
b) Like a person who overcame the odds by rescuing others? (Romantic Mythology)
c) Someone with insights and information that others didn’t listen to? (Controller)
d) We were ignored, except when we were resolving conflicts and negotiating solutions? (Seducer)
4. Do we deny or limit our Autonomy or Intimacy more?
Autonomy: Ability to tell our truth harmlesslyIntimacy: Ability to create a safe space where our truth and others’ truths can be heard and honored.
a) If Autonomy, do we compromise overtly by discussing things and negotiating upfront exchanges (Expectations) or do we expect them to know automatically what we need, and are then unwilling to provide guidelines for fear of ruining our fun (Romantic Mythology)?
b) If Intimacy, do we compromise overtly by attempting to establish the framework of any action or discussion in advance, requiring others to engage us on our own terms (Control), or do we covertly seek to compromise others by having them doubt their own truth so our truth will have greater prominence and strength (Seduction)?
c) If neither, do we attempt to encourage the natural creativity of others by refusing to let them compromise themselves for us in any way, and asking them to act in their highest good? If we have both the commitment and constitution to avoid being compromised or compromising others, then pretenses are more than likely a thing of the past.
Pretense Scenarios
HIGHLIGHTING EXPECTATIONS AND SEDUCTION
Overheard in a Barnes & Noble Bookstore:
Expectations Person: I don’t understand why they changed the type of cappuccino they were offering! I was just getting used to it. This one doesn’t taste as good.
Seduction Person: Well, they were probably just cost cutting and looking for the best deal. What do you expect?
Expectations Person: I expect them to maintain some consistency, and that they want to keep me as a customer. Instead, that sales clerk didn’t even care enough to tell me in advance that this was a different blend.
Seduction Person: You just can’t trust people like you used to…it seems to be getting worse all the time.
Expectations Person: Maybe I should ask for my money back. Unfortunately, I need a caffeine fix right now.
Seduction Person: Well, it’s up to you, of course, but I would at least complain to management.
Expectations Person: What good would that do?
Seduction Person: By complaining, they will probably provide you with a few discount coupons, depending on how upset you get, of course.
Expectations Person: You mean, the more angry I get, the more they will give me?
Seduction Person: Of course. I have helped many of my special friends get what they deserve in situations just like this. I think you should remember a time from the past when you were screwed out of something you deserved and get into the experience before you go to see the manager, who’s just down this aisle.
The Expectation Person goes away to complain, then comes back smiling…
Expectations Person: Well, you were sure right. I got a coupon for several free cappuccinos as well as some coupons for deep discounts on books.
Seduction Person: Didn’t I tell you? I am glad you followed my advice and got something for your inconvenience.
Expectations Person: How about I give you some of these coupons?
Seduction Person: No, I think you deserve them the most. Wasn’t it great doing something that you usually don’t do?
Expectations Person: Yeah! I feel great and even a little more powerful.
Seduction Person: That is the way we should always feel. When you are with me, I want you to remember what it feels like to push the boundaries a little and live. That is one of the greatest benefits of being around me; I keep people awake, invigorated, and excited.
Expectations Person: Well, I sure feel that way now. What are we going to do next?
Seduction Person: Perhaps you would enjoy a drive out to lookout point so we can watch the stars, take in the view, then settle into my great sound system.
Expectations Person: It sounds like a great idea, but I was not planning to be out late tonight.
Seduction Person: I didn’t say it had to be late. I believe I could get you back home by 11:00 p.m. It looks like a great night. It would be a shame to miss this opportunity.
Expectations Person: Yes it would, but you have to promise me we will be back at my house by 11 p.m., okay?
Seduction Person: You have my word.
HIGHLIGHTING CONTROL AND ROMANTIC MYTHOLOGY
Two individuals are attempting to plan a date over the phone. They have been out several times before,
and are interested in getting more physically and emotionally engaged.
Control Person: Are you sure that there are no picnic sites available at Beaver Creek?
Romantic Mythology Person: I called them and they told me it was all booked up.
Control Person: What about the on-line sites?
Romantic Mythology Person: What on-line sites?
Control Person: That is what I was afraid of. There are several sites on the far mountain that you can reserve on-line.
Romantic Mythology Person: No one told me about them. How do you make reservations?
Control Person: I’m doing that right now. I have reserved site #21A for us for tomorrow. Now, about groceries, I would like you to get the cheese and grilled chicken at Whole Foods, and a good Chardonnay from the gourmet shop down the street. Don’t forget the blanket and the tube tent in case the weather gets bad.
Romantic Mythology Person: Did you hear it could get bad? I thought the weathercaster said it was sunny and in the 60’s and 70’s in the Beaver Creek area.
Control Person: I always believe in being prepared. So you will pick me up at 7:00 a.m.?
Romantic Mythology Person: That seems awfully early! Can’t we start at 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. instead?
Control Person: No, I scheduled the trip so we arrive at the site at 10:00 a.m. Then we can get set up, eat, and go hiking for the rest of the afternoon. It will be a great adventure.
Romantic Mythology Person: I was hoping for a little more spontaneity or an opportunity to explore what we want to do on the spot. Are you interested in keeping an open mind about what we end up doing?
Control Person: It would help me to optimize what we are doing if we could follow a general schedule. I think you have to have some structure in order to make things work, don’t you?
Romantic Mythology Person: No, I don’t think we will have a better time if everything is known. I enjoy myself more when I just go with the flow and take advantage of those unique opportunities that unpredictably appear. Don’t you want to be swept away by the appearance of something unexpected?
Control Person: You are a lot more romantic than I imagined. I guess I like to be more practical and plan things more than you.
Romantic Mythology Person: I respect your planning skills and love the way that you have organized everything. I hope that we have time to really get to know each other.
Control Person: I know we will.
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