Partners in Process

When we discover the limitations of opposite-attraction or co-dependent relationships, usually we give up on relationships for a time. What becomes obvious is that much of the time the arguments, tension and intensity are not actually serving anyone in the relationship. This forces us to re-evaluate the nature of relationships and recognize that our previous assumptions about masculine and feminine identity are actually very limited. We wake up to the possibility that we are both masculine and feminine in various ways. This allows us to be more conscious about our projections on our partners and we learn that we would rather not get entangled in their problems and needs. Previously, this was a way we thought we added value. Now we realize it was preventing us from growing. The key mandate is to have relationships where we can be responsible for the outcomes without taking responsibility for the partner.

We move into aspirational levels of relationship when we begin to embody both feminine and masculine together. This makes it easier for non-traditional individuals to engage in a way that their partner can unify with them, hopefully without too much co-dependence. Co-Measurement is the driving motivation, which means we want to find a balance between our expression and our partner’s expression. We also want to be clear that we are not compromising ourselves to make things work for our partner, because this just breeds more co-dependence. Co-Measurement is where we provide what we have in abundance and see how both individuals’ contributions can produce unexpected synergistic opportunities. While it is not perfect, it is a huge move forward from the previous level because we are becoming more informed about how to be energetically congruent with each other. When we are not engaging positively with partners, we get caught up in Personality Self Rejection or Personality Self Importance. These issues compromise the natural problem of Idealizing our partners.

When we reach Stage 3, we need to integrate our Defenses with our defensive facades, which are typically opposite to each other. A façade is created usually as a teenager because our main Defense is not accepted in our life by the people we need or love. For example, a Disarming Defense style man may need to adopt a Dynamic façade to please his strong-willed father. When we begin to see how incongruent this is within us and begin to deconstruct our façade the full impact our main Defense emerges. We start to appreciate how sharing our Truth and speaking about the things that were previously off limits, can help us resolve our inner conflict. When we see our main Defense for what it is, a way of compromising our Creative Expression to meet the expectations and needs of others we realize we need to heal ourselves.

Another way to heal our defensiveness is to choose partners with the same Defense. When we do this, it is a lesson in self-love because we cannot hide from our partner and partner cannot hide from us. This means we need to tell the truth. This can be a turbulent process because it shakes out all the false assumptions we’ve had about why we need partners. It is important to see how we can become more congruent in our expression by accepting our True Nature and releasing all the dissonant impulses related to our upbringing. Being able to separate out our Imprinting, Pretenses and Defenses from our natural Creative Expressions is an amazing awakening. This Unification Process is what makes us attractive to similar Compatibility Factor individuals. Until we integrate these Factors, we are caught in opposite Attraction Co-Dependence.

After the transformational questioning that occurs on the Intellectual level, we start to explore what our Truth is on the Idealized level. We begin to understand that our Gender Identity and Defensive Identity are only elements in our larger Creative Identity. This allows us to explore how to show up in ways we previously did not, and makes us more available to partners who are better for us. Dynamic women and men both learn about relationships by engaging their feminine. They become more balanced in being present with themselves and, paradoxically, around each other. This occurs because they are able to reflect each other. Disarming men and women learn about task management skills by engaging their masculine. They become more balanced doer’s by being around each other. This occurs because they love engaging others on deeper levels when in action.

When Non-Traditional women become frustrated in relationships with Non-Traditional men (because of the inherent co-dependence that occurs), they gradually come to realize that they need Traditional (Dynamic) men so that they can be seen in their feminine sides. The more they experiment with Dynamic men, the more they realize that while it is difficult to get seen by Dynamic men initially, when they do, they show their vulnerability, which allows the Dynamic women to relax and be supported by these men. Women respect the men more when they can take charge, which leads to greater sexual connections as well. When you have two Dynamic Defense style individuals together, they both naturally become better at relationships and dealing with their feminine sides. It loosens them up and makes them less defensive overall.

The same is true with Non-Traditional men being with Non-Traditional women and feeling frustrated (and even castrated) by these women. This awakens them to the possibility that they could choose Traditional (Disarming) women who are more willing to be led. When they learn to assert themselves, they will attract more Disarming women, which allows them to balance their inner masculine and feminine more. They also have greater depth of connection because they are not defensively polarized. When you have two Disarming Defense style individuals together, they naturally become more productive and task-oriented without difficulty. The result is greater alignment between both of these sets of partners.

One of the final indicators that we are integrating our masculine and feminine is how we bring the benefits of competition and cooperation together. The value of competition is that it accentuates Personal Achievement and helps affirm masculine Self-Esteem. The value of cooperation is that it accentuates Personal Dominion and helps affirm feminine Self-Respect. When we realize that any individual contributor needs both personal support to make their contribution and needs a feminine receptiveness to be able to make their contribution to someone, then we start to see that these apparent opposites are two sides of the same coin. We can also state that cooperation is supported by Mutual Accomplishment among many contributors. In the world today we can see that the problems of competition are much greater because of our over-reliance of the masculine and repression of the feminine in the U.S. society.

At the third level, we begin realizing that our Imprinting, Pretenses and Defenses are not us. This begins to open the door to who we actually are as a Creative Being. It also sets the stage for moving into our Primary Creative Expression in a large way. What we need to overcome is our fear that we will not be able to support ourselves by doing the things that inspire us the most. Our Secondary Expression becomes more obvious as the way we get seen in the world. Another way of looking at the Secondary Expression is how it is designed to support our Primary Expression instead of by default, attempting to take charge.

Usually, we first embrace this possibility when we realize how we sabotage many of our goals and desires. Even when we do complete a goal, if it is not aligned to us, we wonder why we even did it. The same is true about meeting long-term goals like purchasing a house. Initially, we are really excited and motivated, but after the purchase, we realize how much energy it takes to sustain it, which changes our perspective about how much we are willing to invest in the process. At this point we realize our Motives and aspirations are changing and we doubt our future because we do not see the stability we once had. These doubts and constant comparisons to others are what creates anxiety. We are often in relationships at this level that start off well, but quickly deteriorate, which is opposite the second level. This is because we are becoming recalibrated to how much truth we want in a relationship and how it allows us to trust our partners (or not) moving forward.

Individuals develop themselves by knowing the difference between their Authentic Nature and their Imprinting. Parental Imprinting, Pretenses and Defenses are all false Beliefs where we think we have to live up to the perspectives of others. When we release them as our anchors, because we see how much an obstacle they are to moving forward in our lives, it changes our perspective about what is meaningful. As a result, we either become overly attached to the current reality, or fixate on how the future is going to be different. Usually, women have to learn to be more Autonomous and men to be more Intimate (or team-oriented), during this stage. This ends up as a choice for either Anxiety or Awareness. Are we willing to step beyond our history and choose our present and engage Life and Light possibilities from our heart energy? If yes, keep reading.

Co-Creative Partnership

Until we manifest both our masculine and feminine simultaneously within ourselves, we cannot be great Co-Creative Partners. When we take ownership of both our masculine and feminine natures, we can be inclusive and undaunted by the Creative Nature of our partner. Perhaps we can even appreciate them for being the magnificent people they are. This takes being equally comfortable with both order and chaos. It could also mean letting go of the traditional bias for the masculine in the United States. The result would be relationships that have Growth, Autonomy, Intimacy, and Co-Creativity.

This means the relationship would have the ability to separately reflect upon itself. This of course is greatly facilitated if we can create a separate and independent Common Neutral Ground space for the relationship to exist within. Both women and men are capable of fully participating in and being receptive to new possibilities at the same time. There is an incredible Spaciousness that comes with the embodiment of Skills at this level. We would also know that we are operating on this level because of the way we are able to address problems and have them naturally work out. The key indicator is that we are willing to take responsibility for the impacts we make on others, even if they are unintentional. We have the skills and a sense of timing so that items of potential conflict can be resolved in an easy way.

When we are balanced internally between our masculine and feminine, we possess the freedom to choose how we wish to interact with others. We do not need them, they do not need us, so it becomes a choice to Co-Create together. The freedom of not being entangled allows us to fully invest in relationships without feeling manipulated, controlled or directed. Pioneers appreciate how each person can be self sufficient, yet come together for partnership and community events on a regular basis. The more we can see the true contributions of our partners, the more confident and capable we feel working with them. Beyond the obvious economic power, and because they are living in their creativity, they operate from abundance. This means they love giving and loving because it makes them feel great.

In Co-Creative partnerships, there is greater expression in each partner of both their masculine and feminine nature. More importantly, they can simultaneously track each aspect of themselves to construct a more comprehensive way of connecting with their partner. This can be seen in their fluidity, Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness, which shows up a lot of times in a charismatic way. This is because these individuals are unpredictable and open to new possibilities transforming them. We call them Pioneers because they love engaging and exploring new territory. They are not complacent with what they know and are always seeking greater vistas. Another indicator is that their presence invites people into their life. We can see this energetically in how open and transparent they can be. They are the opposite of a Distant Defense style, which is trying to keep people out to protect themselves.

We like to call men at this level Cosmic Magnets, and women Cultural Leaders. This is because men tend to hold mastery and action as their internal contribution and women hold mystery and motion as their fundamental contribution. It is really about how the inner and outer come together. At this level, Enthusiasm and Creative Flow are the main indicators that we have attained this level. All Co-Creative endeavor is the result of feminine and masculine approaches being embraced without separativeness. You might notice that the Motives, Attractions and Skills charts all have their masculine and feminine sides articulated, along with the unifying factors that bring them together. Eventually, we come to realize that it is the unifying factors that make the difference.

At the Co-Creative Partnership level there is a Unification of our Authentic Life Expression with our desire to be in Conscious Relationships. We cannot be fully supportive to a partner without knowing their core purpose. We also cannot be effective in conscious relationships unless we know ourselves. This means the masculine pursuit of Authentic Life Expression ends when we finally embrace quality relationships. It also means the feminine expression of being conscious in relationships when we embrace our Authentic Life Expression. Each path leads to the integration of both. The more we are conscious about this interaction, the less we will be surprised when we feel that we have to change partners due an ultimate lack of alignment. Creative Alignment is, therefore, the critical factor that unifies us, both internally and externally with our partners.

Heterosexual And Homosexual Differences

In heterosexual relationships both partners have to deal with Autonomy before Intimacy, while in homosexual relationships, both partners deal with Intimacy and complete the process with Autonomy. Our Defenses indicate how much we are able to integrate the authentic masculine and feminine within us. Most people begin as a Distant Defense style and then differentiate themselves by developing either masculine or feminine qualities. Sometimes, because they do not feel seen or accepted, individuals develop defensive facades, which cover up the basic Defense itself. Eventually, they need to reconcile these polarities within themselves and unify the masculine and feminine perspectives within themselves in order to mature.

Heterosexuals possess greater differences between each other, which drives them to deal with Autonomy issues first. This separativeness requires them to develop an inner commitment to their own growth process, rather than being pressured externally, as is the case in homosexual relationships. Heterosexuals, like homosexuals, need to go through a level of self-acceptance around their gender identity, but unlike homosexuals, this leads them to distance themselves from others to see who is naturally attracted to them. Heterosexuals believe that partners will naturally be attracted to their defensive identity and not necessarily their Creative Nature. This means they try to prove how tough or open they are, depending on the Defense style and usually seek polar opposite Defense style individuals. On the third level, they start to transition out of their Defenses by accepting their Creative Nature, which allows them to consider partners who are similar to them. Until they unify both masculine and feminine within them, they do not maximize their partner choices.

The key difference between the development process of homosexual versus heterosexual is that homosexuals develop Intimacy before Autonomy, while heterosexuals develop Autonomy before Intimacy. On the third level, we can see this in the greater amount of physical difference between the partners, which demonstrates that they are beginning to open up and accept more differences in the relationship. We call this opening up process Becoming More Pioneering because it is about going beyond the surface separation to recognize inherently that all individuals have a combination of masculine and feminine. At the fourth level, the Intuitive level, we see this in full operation, where both masculine and feminine can operate simultaneously in each person. The partners are closer together here, which means they need less separation because they are more accepting of themselves.

What makes homosexual relationships fascinating is their ability to take both the creative, defensive and instinctive personality characteristics of a partner as a given. This means that homosexuals are quicker to respond and seek greater unity with their partner, even though they may act out small differences with greater drama. This is because gay men are working more on the feminine polarity together, while lesbian women are working more on the masculine polarity together. This forces homosexuals to be more intimate and respond to each other and usually cuts the development time to grow out of their Defenses and into their Creativity by half that required by heterosexuals. The only real issue is getting balanced in their Autonomy with partners when they are fully able to utilize their Creativity. It should also be noted for the diagram that they grow through a self-polarization process in Level 2, the Intellectual level, when they adopt defensive facades. Some would say that in Level 1, the Instinctive level, they go through a phase where they deny acknowledgement of themselves.

As the diagram ‘Homosexual Defensive Patterns’ indicates, gay men are typically Distant Disarming, Disarming or Pioneering Disarming. In order to get some polarity in their relationships, in the middle of the cycle, they can develop masculine or Dynamic facades so there are some superficial differences to work out. Lesbian women are typically Distant Dynamic, Dynamic or Pioneering Dynamic. In order to create some distance, a few manifest feminine or Disarming facades. It is interesting to note that since they deal with Intimacy before Autonomy, they do not need deeper divisions, in terms of major Defense Style differences, to develop a full range of masculine and feminine ability.

What this costs them is greater initial defensiveness due to the increased adoption of facades. When they start to discover their natural truth, they call themselves out on these facades and actually reveal their hand. This means, by the time they get to the Idealistic level, they will have released most all of their facades, which will reveal further subtlety in their masculine and feminine balances. This does not mean the men become super-masculine, or that the women become super-feminine, just that they will possess a greater capacity to simultaneously employ masculine and feminine approaches. The key to remember is that lesbians will overall become more feminine (over time) when they authentically address their creativity and gay men will become more masculine as they become more balanced and authentic.

In the LGBT community, there are some differences because lesbians trust their masculine more than their feminine, while gay men trust their feminine more than their masculine. This means they start at opposite ends of the spectrum but eventually cross over as they become more conscious. Ultimately, just like heterosexual couples, they learn to incorporate both their masculine and feminine sides. It has been our experience that lesbians and gay men are actually quicker in their discovery of these imbalances and can resolve these issues with their partners because there are fewer overall differences with their partners. In other words, gay men choose partners with less polarity but make it more interesting by being more dramatic. The same is true with lesbians who do not prefer the drama.

As the Homosexual Defensive Patterns graphic shows, at the Instinctive level, there are some gay men and lesbians who are caught up in Defensive role patterns and will interact in the same way that heterosexual, Distant people connect. Eventually, gay men who are more Disarming, will connect to those who have some Distant patterns. Lesbians who are Distant Dynamic will also choose Distant partners. On the second, or Intellectual, level, Distant-Disarming gay men will find partners who are the same, but have different Facades. This creates some superficial differences, but they both will tend to respond in the same way with each other. On the lesbian side, Distant-Dynamic partners will look for similar partners, also with an opposite Façade. Eventually, both of these will release their Distant background and move either into Disarming or Dynamic styles.

The Activation of Masculine and Feminine

As we have described, our perspective of the masculine and feminine changes as we become more mature. At each level of relationship we become more able to appreciate the things that previously were not on our event horizon. For example, when we get into Status Quo relationships, the Motives of people become more important. When we get into the Partners in Process level, the Attractions are more important. When we get into Co-Creative Partnerships, Relationship Skills become more important. Certain Compatibility Factors are not even apparent to us until we have started dealing with the problems they represent in partnership. We could break out the same distinctions so that Pacing, Communication Process and Decision Making Approach do not become obvious issues until people are working at a Partner In Process level. This is very different from the Instinctive Factors such as Pretenses, Goals, Modes and Attitudes, which everyone recognizes. The fact that the Higher Alignment assessment structure is so large just indicates how much we have compromised when considering what types of relationships may be better for us. If someone is not willing to engage this level of conversation, then it is probably due to a lack of awareness and the impact of their parents’ frameworks upon them. This reflects how our level of consciousness is driving or limiting our choices about what we are comfortably able to engage.

Individuals with a Goal of Growth could be irritated by these statements. The answer for them is to investigate these larger possibilities to determine if there is something they may be missing. Others may just seek incremental improvements as they find individuals who want to move forward with them. The real problem is whether anyone they attract will be interested in the change they might seek. This is why Higher Alignment encourages everyone to take a stand for what they are looking for and what they want. It is clear that many of us find it uncomfortable to engage larger possibilities unless we know what is required and what the benefits will be in advance. Higher Alignment’s answer is to provide this information upfront, free of charge to support individuals in their consideration process.

The driving question of Higher Alignment is: Can we present concepts that will promote the growth of our consciousness? Our provisional answer is yes, if we are willing to throw ourselves in the deep end of the pool. We have to be willing to choose things beyond our immediate understanding. For some, this is a bridge too far. Some of us need to have the experience of the problem before we are willing to trust that there is a problem. Fortunately, there are enough people who recognize these problems and want to do something about them to keep us in business. It would be nice to imagine that individuals could lean into some of the possibilities we suggest because it would likely allow them to grow and stay together. Some of these recommendations will have a profound impact on whether we end up having to get a divorce (or not).

The second one in the group of two is a Some individuals will feel that this body of information is too much. They will assume they have to learn everything by themselves, which makes the process unappealing. The real opportunity is to interact with our group to make the work accessible. Without the interactions and insights about how to personally apply this work, it may be difficult to embody. It does not matter how clear we are or how obvious the distinctions are. If we cannot apply them to ourselves and use them as tools to improve our relationships there will be less value transferred through this website. The deeper problem is that some individuals are not available locally to facilitate interactions. This makes it more difficult for the transmission of this technology to occur. However, we are able to work through video, webinars and local host groups. Until this work is available on a satellite basis by creating larger groups in local areas, the student will have to make do with available options.