An Introduction To Recognizing Motives

Summary

Motives represent why we do what we do. Higher Alignment seeks to clarify, uplift and open up a truthful exploration of motives so we can free ourselves from the toxic effect of unconscious, habitual ways of operating. Motives reflect the reason(s) why we engage others. Without motives, we lack the desire to connect or work with others. When we are not open to change and growth it is easy to become habituated in our denial of reality. Motives can become a way to ignore what we are unwilling to accept. Internal struggle is a reflection of conditioning (defining our Self in terms others accept). The struggle is between the Personality Self (survival and success programming) and our Creative Self (who we are naturally). Conditioned behaviors are false and fearful assertions that we believe we need to prove to protect our personality self. While our conditioning is based on how others discounted, denied and made us wrong for some specific way of being, it is commonly integrated into predictable behavior patterns. Some believe their personality is this conditioning.

How does this struggle distract us when our intentions are all about trying to make “things” occur, so we can be more self-actualized? Our fears produce unintentional “processional” effects, which prevent our intentions from being fulfilled. Processional means to precede. Fears are Processional when people operate from their conditioning. Fears keep us from engaging our Life energy and committing to its expression outside ourselves. We can release this struggle with unconscious motives and experience an internal flow when we use “what is so” in the moment to guide our responses. Pain, rejection, and abandonment can all be understood and joyfully appreciated when we acknowledge the power of Conscious Motives to heal, engage and embrace our past incomplete patterns. We miss an opportunity when we adopt people-pleasing behaviors that are not authentic. The investigation of motives reveals our conditioning and permits us to choose our path consciously without compromise.

There are 12 Motives that reflect the feminine polarity (four motives), the masculine polarity (four motives) and their combinations (four additional motives) on four levels: Instinctive, Intellectual, Idealized and Intuitive. See the Types and Levels of Motives diagram. Our “Personality” expression is often limited in ways we do not perceive due to unexamined Motive effects. Each lower motive has a blind spot, a fixed behavioral response and cost to engage. Imagine how each motive reveals a past story of compromise where we felt discounted and denied. Let us listen to our past stories so we can understand why we act the way we do. Let us acknowledge how our vows not to be hurt in the same way again led to limiting our interactions with others. Consider the possibility that these ways of protecting our self are now outmoded because we have greater skills to respond when others hurt us. Ironically, our protective conditioning with its blindness’s, fears and consolation beliefs is now hurting us more than others are. If we are can accept, appreciate and love these patterns we can transmute them. Transmutation requires releasing the creative denial that keeps us separated from our Life energy. This Life energy is the source of our power to grow and change. When we connect and align to it, our Authentic Life Contribution emerges.

Nowhere is conditioning more prevalent than within Gender Identity assumptions. It is even more interesting if we do not feel compelled to fulfill traditional expectations about Gender Identity and can operate without relying on these role stereotypes. We grow beyond these issues by envisioning our Gender Identity in a more inclusive manner. All attachments, positions and projections about Gender Identity are reflected in the Motives framework. The more contracted or repressed we feel

in our masculine or feminine sides, the more we protect our perspective and attack anyone who challenges how we show up. As we begin to see the hierarchy of Motives, the cost of being stuck in lower and more unconscious intentions becomes apparent.

While the intent of each motive is to connect with others, the lower our motive, the less we are able to sense a connection and be present with others. In effect, our intention is frustrated by our fears. On the feminine side, safety fears stimulate us to acquire possessions (Greed) or use our beauty or handsomeness as a way to attract what we need. Learning how to be appropriate with our possessions (Personal Dominion) means not using them to impose our “personality” on others. If we are committed to a larger possibility (Idealized Trust) it can become difficult to find people we can trust. The problem is an internal inability to be present with our vision, which keeps us from seeing when others are not present with us. It is not until we are spaciously present in our truth and can share it harmlessly we discover we are not defined by possessions or appearances (Universal Dominion). On the masculine side, security desires drive us to act like we know what we are doing (Arrogance) even if we do not. Making the transition from desiring to be seen as important to actually being a personal contributor (Personal Achievement) is the next higher stage of embodying our thoughts in action. This process is further amplified the more we think our ideas are greater than others’ (Idealized Unity), which subconsciously we communicate in patronizing ways, minimizing their acceptance. Until thoughts can be mutually explored and commonly engaged (Mutual Accomplishment), a lack of unity will likely sabotage their natural manifestation.

We can validate where individuals operate by the challenges in Autonomy and Intimacy they exhibit when connecting with us. Autonomy is the ability to deeply engage our truth and share it harmlessly without compromise. Intimacy is the risk-taking ability to engage differences and uncomfortable similarities with others in the pursuit of learning how to grow together. Lust is the place of maximum tension between the intimacy requirements of Greed and the autonomy demands of Arrogance on the instinctive level. Self Serving Activity is the experience of maximum separation between the intimacy demands of Personal Dominion and the autonomy requirements of Personal Achievement on the intellectual level. Idealized Co-Creation is the projection of our desires on others without their actual agreement or alignment. The opportunity becomes how to both be autonomous and intimate at the same time, which is the experience of Conscious Participation.

As we have noted, the feminine side begins with Intimacy (where our potential is revealed) and evolves by engaging Autonomy (where we become cultural leaders). The masculine side begins with Autonomy (where the ability to define our path manifests) and evolves by engaging Intimacy (where we become potent cosmic magnets for ideas). We complete the Gender Identity healing process on the intuitive level, where we learn to embody both our masculine and feminine qualities simultaneously. This opens us up to seeing how our perceptions of Gender have greatly limited our ability to interact with others. We discover how to own both our inner masculine and feminine, so we can engage others in all creative modalities. We no longer need others who can meet us where we are, for we can, with full masculine and feminine development, meet others wherever they are. This opens up a much larger universe of relationship choices. The freedom to choose partners for love is greatly accentuated. We are no longer trapped by conditioning where we discount, ignore or are outwardly afraid of individuals who do not embody their masculine and feminine energy in a way complementary to us. With greater Self Love we can choose someone who would be aligned with us, which effectively neutralizes unconscious expression.

When we get caught up in Gender Identity perspectives, our conditioning supports us in paying attention to those who reinforce our positive view of ourselves in three ways. The Instinctive Motives drive us: 1) to try to possess more material things in order to increase our sense of safety (Greed), 2) to present a false sense of confidence about what we know in order to create a false sense of security (Arrogance), or 3) to focus on others who are more beautiful or handsome than us in order to leverage our self-perceived image (Lust). Conditioning accomplishes this by focusing us on pre-established beliefs about who we are.It is our fear of rejection and abandonment that drives us to cover up our neediness, presenting a superficial persona where we pretend we do not need what we actually do need.Conditioning is therefore dualistic and layered, thwarting easy resolution.

On the Intellectual level we get caught up in comparing our idea of our selves with the idea others have of themselves, so we can improve our leverage over them. When we operate from the motive of Personal Dominion, we elevate our own personality needs, minimizing the ability to see the compromise and pain of others attempting to meet us. When we operate in a motive of Personal Achievement, we typically put out our ideas first and are unable to consider or incorporate the ideas or suggestions of others. When operating from a mode of Self-Serving Activity, we become trapped in the superficial caretaking of others because we put our needs first and are unable to see the needs of others up front. At this level we are entangled with our idea of our self and others’ idea of us.

Idealized motives reflect how, when our inner fears and desires are not seen as powerful by others, we make them powerful by projecting the need for them into the world. By focusing on how others can fix things for us it takes us off the hook (Idealized Trust). By projecting grand ideas on others, we diminish input and ideas from others (Idealized Unity), and by fixating on how we believe things should be addressed without creating common assumptions with others, we minimize synergistic possibilities (Idealized Co-Creation). Idealized motives keep us from responsive balanced interaction with others. Instead we are lost in how others do not see and value our ideals.

With Intuitive Motives we are able to accept ourselves, and recognize our natural strengths and weaknesses, which enables us to cooperate with others as they are. This creates the experience of Communion. On the feminine side, our acceptance of others where they are keeps us from being focused on their possessions because we realize that they are not how they look or what they have. The experience of inner serenity and presence allows us to let go of any attachments that keep us from fully engaging one another (Universal Dominion). On the masculine side we can appreciate our “goal-fitness” for any particular activity and in the process of life discover what is appropriate when interacting with others. In this way, we can work in Unity and cooperate with the larger possibilities that emerge (Mutual Accomplishment). We are able to unify the masculine and feminine sides through the experience of sharing ourselves, enabling us to go beyond perceived creative self-limitations so that our opportunities to grow manifest in countless new ways. We call this communion experience Conscious Participation. When we go unconscious we fall into patterns of self-denial where we end up using Guilt, Shame, and Blame to make our partners wrong and us right. With greater consciousness, we discover we can respond rather than react. We have a choice.

When we date others it is possible to quickly see when motives are not aligned or complementary. All unconscious motives reflect beliefs about how others should defer to, respect or esteem us to match our own self-perceptions. When we do not get the response we (or others) expect, we may immediately believe we are not right for one another. The impatience is amplified if our partners do not take our point of view and reassure us. Since Personality automatically seeks greater safety and security, we tend to draw negative conclusions when someone does not respond the way we expect, we possess different fears that we consider weak, or operate in ways that are considered unfair or unethical. We experience greater fear when we operate with similar compromises (the same motives).We tend to seek partners who possess complementary motives, particularly if they are willing to be reassuring about our possible concerns.Beliefs only support and reinforce personality concerns. The patterns of Motives that any person engages reflect fixed beliefs about who they are and what they want. Noticing which beliefs we reinforce can become a self-diagnostic tool that reveals where we are in the process of transmuting our fears. When we understand that we are not our beliefs about our history it opens us up to living in a manner that transcends our conditioning.

MOTIVES—THE CAST OF CHARACTERS WE PLAY

Definitions:

Motivesthe primary Intent behind our thoughts, actions and speech. If we want to grow or expand our perspective, we need to confront our motives to determine if they are aligned with our intent. If they are not, then we are sabotaging our actions and minimizing our ability to manifest. It is only when we are conscious, and embodying our intent, that we experience creative flow where our desires come true. If we want to manifest Conscious Relationships, we need to engage Conscious Motives (Universal Dominion, Mutual Accomplishment, Conscious Participation).

Instinctive Level

Greed a state of conditioning where attachment to objects, beauty or handsomeness is more important (for reasons of safety) than the natural experience of abundance
Arrogance a state of conditioning where one is over-attached to what one knows, resulting in interactions where we act superior, overbearing or prideful
Lust a state of conditioning where we seek temporary indiscriminate sexual connections to minimize the loss of our Self-loving connection to the universe

Intellectual Level

Personal Dominion a state of conditioning where we use our personal environment, relative position or possessions to command respect and justify our choices over those of others
Personal Achievement a state of conditioning where we use our track record or résumé to demand esteem regarding our thoughts and the ability to manifest results
Self Serving Activity a state of conditioning where we use mindless activity to distract ourselves from personal problems by creating ways to isolate and insulate ourselves from others

Idealization Level

Idealized Trust a state of conditioning where we externalize our need for trust by relying on the humanity of others in projects that are designed to change the world (internal or external)
Idealized Unity a state of conditioning where we externalize the need for unity by expecting others to recognize the power of our thoughts and accept them as their truth
Idealized Co-Creation a state of conditioning where we externalize the need for Co-Creation by requiring that others defer to our creative approach

Intuitive Level

Universal Dominion a state of being where we create our own internal Safety, through conscious creative Presence, allowing Mutual Respect and Autonomy to manifest
Mutual Accomplishment a state of being where we create our own Security through a Co-Measured solution, where Mutual Esteem, Cooperation and thought Unity produce Synergy
Conscious Participation a state of being where we create our own Safety and Security by engaging and clearing fears that prevent effective connection and communication with others

THE COSTS OF CONDITIONING

The three primary costs associated with conditioning are; 1) choosing partners based on fears and insecurities; 2) what we resist persists in our actions, reducing and limiting Authentic Life Expression; and 3) the “processional effect” of our fears which interfere in particular ways that negatively distort our connections in community. When fears are processional, they “precede” and color our perceptions so we feel justified when acting small. Lower Motives justify a limited fixed response for any perceived infraction in our relationship. The dissonance we experience with individuals reflects in part an interaction based on fears. How we engage (or ignore) our motives determines our ability to attract appropriate partners. Ultimately, motive consciousness increases our capacity to automatically honor others wherever they are, increasing our influence. The ability to see underlying fears in any situation makes it possible to neutralize misperceptions, reduce misunderstandings and eliminate unconscious compromises. Without Self Presence we cannot accurately observe growth in others, nor effectively nurture them. When we are able to see and express our own fears, it also uplifts us and others participating in the process with us.

ONE GUIDELINE ABOUT ENGAGING MOTIVES

It can be very difficult to explore motives if we are self-judging and critical. If you have a part in us that’s saying, “Oh, I’m not really doing the right thing . . .” it’s going to be scary to talk about motives, so we can “own” our motives and “be with” them.  So we suggest that readers suspend their self-criticism for at least a few months while we explore motives to see if it works for you. This document seeks to encourage everyone to explore how these motives show up in our lives. Lets allow our self to experience and witness what motivates us. How do we justify what we are doing? Why do we believe in these justifications? The key to transmuting motives is to honor where we truly are, in each moment, so we can release our judgments. Loving our Creative Self supports us clearing out motives that are not working for us. It is just like weeding our garden. Then we can focus our energy expressing higher intuitive motives. The bottom line is we can only be consciously aligned with those who are by paying attention to motives. The more conscious we are of our motives, the less we need to act out our fears and beat our self up for our self-limiting choices,

BENEFITS OF BECOMING CONSCIOUS ABOUT MOTIVES

Our first impression of others deals with the degree their motives match our own. The more natural our alignment, the more sympathetic and reassuring we are because we can see ourselves in their situation. Too much similarity can also create fear when others seem to know more about us than we know about them. This encourages complementary (or opposite) motive relationships to increase our sense of security. For example, an individual operating in a motive of Greed would be attracted to an individual operating in Arrogance. Becoming more conscious and uplifting our motives is the fastest way to attract more conscious partners. Confronting our conditioning also reveals a common blindness to particular issues. This can make it easier to choose more compatible partners who will not repeat previous patterns. We invite the reader to examine past relationships to discover how their motive interactions may have compromised their relationships. Many participants in the Higher Alignment process have used motives to select aligned partners, understand business relationships on a new level or have used these insights to reveal the incomplete patterns of family or parental expressions. The most valuable aspect of this process is to know when an individual can or will likely grow versus when they will not. The beliefs and fears surrounding motives guide us on a profound level to understanding how to better connect with individuals and even how to invite others to uplift their motives so they can meet us where we are.

An Introduction To Recognizing Motives

Identifying Unconscious Conditioning

Internal struggle is a reflection of conditioning. When we cannot be present with our Creative Self or Source, our automatic pilot creates resistance to engaging life as it is. Beliefs are a way to reassure ourselves about our nature, but they separate us from our experiences to the degree we rely on them as substitutes for authentic being. Many spiritual leaders caution about not getting caught up in beliefs because they distort current reality. Hindus call attachments to superficial perceptions and beliefs Maya. In relationship, this struggle is compounded when our need for reassurance conflicts with our partner’s need for reassurance. In this situation, seeking agreement about beliefs (to create a false sense of Safety and Security) distracts us from confronting our non-presence to the in-the-moment truth. This moment-to-moment truth is always changing and evolving, producing inner struggle when we accept those beliefs as the reality of who we are. Until we learn to elevate our in-the-moment Life experience over our beliefs, we operate in distorted ways, viewing the world though structures that reflect only what we want to see and believe.

The issue is whether we are willing to operate authentically by being present to our Self, which lets us be present with others. This requires that we know ourselves as creative beings so our Gender Identity perspectives do not overshadow the larger experience. While yogis spend much of their early lives unpeeling these layers of distortion, we need a faster way to cut through beliefs that inhibit our ability to be with others. Becoming conscious of motives supports being present to our own distortions, making it easier not to react, personalize or ignore the distortions of others. Otherwise, we fall into the trap of believing we can help or fix them. Only when we are present to our Creative Self can we release (or properly frame) these perspectives in a way where we or those we are with do not become victimized. We can observe that when we do not pay attention to motives, relationships tend to erode as we gradually lose confidence in ourselves and the relationship. When we operate in unconscious motives (or the beliefs about them), we make others responsible for providing the experiences we seek.

How can this be when our intentions are all about trying to make “things” occur so we can be more self-actualized? It is because we leave out the main ingredient—authentic presence. Instead, our desire to control the process creates distance (particularly when we rely on past beliefs) from that which we seek to manifest. This disconnect occurs because we fear showing up and being who we really are as creative individuals. Our fears produce unintentional “precessional” effects that prevent us from feeling fulfilled. Our fears keep us from truly engaging our Life energy and committing to its expression outside of us. It seems easier to “phone in” (read “no effort”) or overdo (read “too much effort”) our actions rather than confront our truth about them in the moment. We falsely believe that external efforts and struggle are indications of progress, when greater consciousness is the ingredient that would make our intentions real. We can release this struggle with motives and experience an internal flow when we are using “what is so” in the moment to guide our responses. Any attempt to validate personal beliefs over what actually occurs or to make others operate in a specific way to comfort our “personality self” is doomed to create resistance, first internally and then externally. This personality self drives the conditioning, defensiveness and projections that help us survive and succeed until we become conscious. Exploring our Creative Self releases us from rigid beliefs and unconscious motives. When we consciously engage motives we can observe resistance and neutralize it with our presence, enabling us to use our natural Life energy to connect authentically. We can then flow with the moment.

Why Are Motives Important?

Pain, rejection, and abandonment can all be understood and joyfully appreciated when we acknowledge the power of Conscious Motives to heal, engage and embrace past incomplete patterns. One of the secrets of unconscious relationships is that we are attracted to individuals with approximately the same degree of fear. Why is this and how does this instinctive protective mechanism work? When we deny who we are on a creative level it is our fears that keep us alive. This reinforces a personality focus as we define ourselves in terms of what we fear. Motives reflect not only our degree of fear but the degree which we embody our masculine and feminine nature. Complementary motives (beyond our fear of not being seen and accepted) can become ways we attempt to find a partner who will balance us. Until we create an inner balance by embodying both our masculine and feminine we will continue to externalize our fears as differences in outer behavior. Underlying this fear is the desire to express our life energy authentically. When we block these energies to please others, we sabotage our growth, development and maturity. Avoiding rejection and abandonment becomes the way we adopt a false persona. Caretaking compromises are, ironically, based on a fear of not being seen, but our attempt to diminish this fear actually reinforces it, generating further compromise.

We are the ones who lose when we adopt people pleasing behaviors that are not authentic. When others reject us it usually reflects differences in fear levels and motive conditioning. It is not a personal rejection if we are not being authentic. It is a rejection of our patterns of caretaking. Patterns of self-reinforcement on the personality level are not positively interacting with the other’s need to be reinforced. When we get caught up in personality perspectives we cannot help but react when others view us in a way we do not appreciate. Unconscious motives also drive us to act falsely based on the perceived needs of others, but actually cut us off from seeing our fear. With conscious consideration of motives we would be able not only to see how our protection mechanisms are hiding our fears from us, but how we are blinded to the fears of others. If we were able to see where we automatically generate fear in our partners would not this insight allow us to appreciate any rejection as an insight into differences? We could reinterpret rejection as an indication of where our fears are not attracting reassurance behaviors. Imagine being able to clear and transmute fears to manifest the capacity to operate freely. An investigation of motives reveals our conditioning and permits us to choose our path consciously with others without compromise.

Learning to be present with our Self and our Truth lets us see when others are in their Truth. It also allows us to be compassionate and appropriate with people who are still operating from their fears. Seeing ourselves as authentic and aligned in our motives is the first major step that empowers us to be more conscious with others. For this reason, it is important for us to explore, identify, and release whatever fears are in the way of consciously and energetically connecting. Studying Motives awakens us to where we deny our power. When we can release the blockages caused by fears and attachments, we will make more conscious and informed choices. With the greater Self-Presence that comes from releasing our fears, we are able to neutralize the fears of others and create an environment where they are uplifted simply by being around us. Being with someone who has cleared his or her conditioning also promotes our own Aliveness. We are able to greatly share the life-affirming energies that many people call “passion”. The more we are stuck in our fears and conditioned by fixed beliefs about what we need to do to get seen, the less passionate we are with ourselves and others. Do we want to be blindsided by our own fears and the fears of others? We can answer this by the manner and degree in which we engage this process.

What Are Motives?

Motives are the primary Intent behind our thoughts, actions and speech. Traditionally, motives indicate what is in it for us and why we do what we do. When we are conscious, we share our motives with others to enroll them in supporting our intent. When we are unconscious about out motives we hide our intent from ourselves, because it does not match what others would want or expect from us. This means that unconscious motives become most identified with the beliefs that rationalize our actions. The compromises with unconscious motives usually frame why we are not capable of changing our circumstances and thus attempt to explain how our choices are imposed upon us by the circumstances. These beliefs reflect the context, content and intent of the struggle to express our self. Conditioning reflects how our perspectives have come to compromise what we believe is possible. As a result, we keep ourselves from being hurt by operating at lower expectations. Higher Alignment seeks to clarify, uplift and open up a truthful exploration of motives so we can free ourselves from the toxic effect of unconscious, habitual ways of operating. When we release conditioning that reflects scarcity, creative denial and powerlessness of past circumstances, we discover that honoring our motives greatly empowers us to expand the range and nature of our actions.

Motives reflect our reason(s) to engage others. Without the self-perceived ability to benefit from our interactions with others, we remain alone and isolated in our personality identification. Often, what we see in people is either what we want to be ourselves, or a reassurance self-reflection of how we are superior to them. Unconscious Motives reflect these two forms of distancing and self-denial, which amplifies mutual personality perspectives (reinforcing perceptions of safety and security). Our idea about the relationship becomes fixed in simplistic role-playing patterns. Unconscious motives cause us to falsely feel safe and secure in the belief we have something to contribute to each other. This is expressed as reassurance, control and caretaking behaviors. In short, our personality programming establishes how we are supposed to interact in any circumstance. Unfortunately, our conditioning prevents genuine growth and development. Conscious motives are where we take responsibility for expressing our Creative Self, requiring no reassurance or support. This means we can be supportive without getting caught up in our partner’s self-defined personality needs. Instead, the focus in Conscious Motives is to contribute to the world and grow together by interacting in new ways. When we connect through conscious motives it is to expand our being, while in unconscious motives it is to reinforce the ways we were negatively conditioned to behave.

Without Motives we lack a desire to connect or work with others. Motives become the reason we continue to interact despite differences, misunderstandings and fears. We either seek personality reassurance or creative growth in relationships. Unconscious motives (the lower nine) are more self-serving and therefore represent compromised ways of connecting where we put our needs first. The need to survive, prove independence and be important cause us to impose a personality framework on others where we believe we can prosper. Conscious motives (the higher three) support an ability to honor our truth, encourage transpersonal sharing and greater mutual learning and cooperation. Our desire to creatively contribute provides the motivation to see and be seen by our partners. Unfortunately, many of us deny our authentic creative capabilities, meaning we grew up learning more how to protect our Personality Self than express our Creative Self. This protection framework becomes conditioning when we use our beliefs to interact with the world instead of discovering our direct personal truth. The diagram “The Challenge Of Motives” illustrates how much our motives are defined and reinforced by our beliefs. We can personally validate this by trying to find a motive not reflecting one of the beliefs listed in this table. 

When we are not open to change and growth it is easy to become habitual in our denial of reality. Motives can become a way to discount what we are unwilling to accept. Typically we get caught up in interactions where we do not want to see what is occurring, because it might invalidate our current connections and friendships. As long as we can find individuals who accept and share our distortions, why change or grow? The more we personalize our motives (by being unconsciously attached to particular outcomes) the more likely our motives will sabotage our efforts. The paradox is that attempts to use motives to care take our “personality self” actually distance our ability to get what we seek. This is due to the fact that self-denial of our creative nature actually increases our struggle to manifest what we need in our life. It is also attachments to certain things, positions and projections that prevent us from seeing the complete truth of what is occurring around us. When we operate in any of the lower nine motives we cannot see when we are not being met, and are therefore easily blindsided by superficial appearances.

The reason to engage higher conscious motives is because we want to be able to grow in natural and joyful ways. Lower level motives guarantee that our lives are a constant struggle, where we deny internal polarization and fail to see how our actions are diametrically opposed to what we want. Inner polarization arises from how we were taught that we needed to effort at what we attempt to accomplish, instead of just manifesting it through our natural being. The more we grew up believing that we need to struggle, the less we were tuned into our natural creative capabilities. By engaging all points of view, we can heal ourselves and restore the ability to make choices freely. Until we see the paradox behind each motive, it is likely we will continue to believe that our superficial intentions reflect all we can do to manifest our goals. The opportunity is to come into a deeper sense of our power by embracing all points of view within, empowering us to interact with the world in a much broader way so our interactions do not reflect self-imposed limitations.

There are 8 Motives that directly reflect feminine and masculine attachments, positions and projections. Four additional motives unify these on four levels (Instinctive, Intellectual, Idealized, and Intuitive), creating four levels of Relationships. The diagram “The Challenge of Motives” illustrates this. Instinctive Motives reflect how we create Unconscious Entanglements. Intellectual Motives reflect how we are caught up in Status Quo Contracts. Idealized Motives reflect how we want to break free from conditioning and defensiveness, creating relationships with people who ideally will grow with us. Intuitive Motives empower us to operate with others wherever they are, making it possible to create Spiritual Partnerships when others are conscious enough to engage on this level. Motives are one of the three frameworks (along with Relationship Skills and Compatibility Factors) that support us operating in ever-increasing, more conscious ways.

Motives Are Frameworks Of Self-Denial Or Self-Acceptance

Whoever we believe our personality self to be is typically limited in ways we do not know. The initial confusion about what it means to be masculine and feminine is compounded because these qualities are expressed on all four levels (instinctive, intellectual, idealized and intuitive).  Most individuals assume their Gender Identity perspective is fixed and not fluid. This is because beliefs about ourselves when we are unconscious are fixed. This sharply reduces growth and our ability to engage others in effective ways. More important, we cannot choose in each moment how to express our open Creative Self. Instead, we let our idea of who we think we should be dominate. While on the instinctive Gender identity level we are obviously masculine or feminine, the more conscious we are, the more we embrace both masculine and feminine qualities. Fixed Gender Identity associations are beliefs that enhance Conditioning. The more fixed in our beliefs we are, the less happy and effective we will be in relationships. Of course, we become good at denying our pain and acting as if nothing is wrong. Conditioning not only sabotages our Authentic Life Expression, but actually limits our selection of partners. We see only those that falsely reassure us that things will work out when it is difficult, if not impossible (when identified with our conditioning) to grow in ways necessary to make it work. This automatically occurs in Unconscious Entanglements, where Gender Identity fixations prevent anything from changing. 

We grow beyond these problems by envisioning our Gender Identity in a more inclusive manner.  This does not mean we need to deny what we already know, but rather investigate our beliefs to see when we are limiting our perceptions. Commonly this means letting go of how we believe we are not. Conditioning is a false and fearful assertion of superficial beliefs that attempt to make right a previous wrong. Our conditioning is usually based on how others discounted, denied and made us wrong for some specific way of being. We quickly learned that we needed to appear different than how our caretakers perceived us (in our infantile perception) to gain acceptance. These survival threats to our safety drove us to three protective reactions: 1) play dead, be unclear or innocent about issues (freeze response); 2) play difficult, stubborn, belligerent, or aggressive in order to wear down our attackers to maintain perspective (fight response); or 3) superficially accept others’ suggestions and perspectives and covertly distance ourselves from this compromised conformance behavior (flight response). Any of these choices reinforce conditioning because they separate us from our natural creative flow. The more we find ourselves pretending to be someone we are not, the more we are disconnected to our authentic nature.

Nowhere is conditioning more prevalent than with Gender Identity assumptions. Societal ideas about gender have been seriously skewed since World War II, but they still persist. This bending has occurred because society is now more intellectually polarized, and since this war more children suffered primary father wounding (or a lack of father presence) in the first 18 months of their lives. As a result, women built a more secure future by developing their masculine sides and more men became relationship oriented by developing their feminine sides. While these non-traditional men and women represent less than 40% percent of society, they are a vocal counter cultural force that is driving the reevaluation of Gender Identity. Until the last 45 years (1960), men were masculine and women were feminine and no one believed there were higher levels of masculine and feminine expression. It was clearer (if male) to honor directness, to engage order to demonstrate the mastery that traditionally reflects masculine energy. It was clearer (if female) to honor the ability to invoke new possibilities indirectly, to embrace chaos and unpredictability so that the mystery could be revealed. Now we are beginning to see that we are combinations of both energies.

It is even more interesting if we do not feel compelled to fulfill traditional expectations about Gender Identity and can operate without relying on role stereotypes. The flexibility to discover our masculine and feminine in each moment can help to build greater authentic wholeness and Self-Acceptance. Polarization is apparent on the intellectual and idealized levels by the positions we take and the projections we make on others that differentiate us from them. Depending upon our perspective, it is easy to find fault in others who are different from us. Fear of the unknown amplifies these distinctions. Unless others agree and can match our way of operating, their point of view can irritate us. We initially succeed in life by being able to contrast and compare as a method of emphasizing the merits of our actions over others. If we are more open to change and can adapt to serve the circumstances, we are using our feminine to invoke possibilities not otherwise noticed. If we are more tactical and focused on how to be efficient, particularly by using tools to maximize results, we are using our masculine to make things happen. These skills (feminine relationship and masculine task management) can manifest in either male or female bodies.

All attachments, positions and projections about our Gender Identity are reflected in the motives framework. The more contracted or repressed we are regarding our masculine or feminine sides, the more we will protect our perspective and attack anyone who challenges us. In addition to the masculine and feminine sides, the motive structure also provides a place for the masculine and feminine motives to meet in the middle. This is called Central Motive Unification, which helps us manifest on this level, but also makes it easier to settle where we are without further growth. The feminine motives (listed from the most compromised to full feminine embodiment) are Greed, Personal Dominion, Idealized Trust and Universal Dominion. The masculine motives (listed from the most compromised to full masculine expression) are Arrogance, Personal Achievement, Idealized Unity and Mutual Accomplishment. The combined motives (listed from the most compromised to being fully present) are Lust, Self Serving Activity, Idealized Co-Creation and Conscious Participation. As we begin to see the hierarchy of these motives, the cost of being stuck in lower unconscious intentions becomes apparent, especially when we are attempting to be seen.

While the intent of each motive is to fulfill that motive, the lower the level of motive, the less we are unable to connect and be present with others. In effect, our intention is frustrated by the fears we have. On the feminine side, safety fears stimulate us to acquire possessions (Greed) or use our beauty or handsomeness as a way to attract what we need. Learning how to be appropriate with our possessions (Personal Dominion) means not using them to impose our “personality” on others. When we are not sure of our feminine power, we believe we need to find ways for others to respect and even defer to us to offset our Safety concerns. We seek agreement about our potential and demand intimacy to feel valued about our contribution. Until we feel valued in our feminine side it is difficult to take risks or to speak our truth outwardly. If we are committed to larger possibilities (Idealized Trust) it can become difficult to find those whom we can trust. Our internal inability to be present with our vision keeps us from seeing when others are not present with us. This changes completely when we are able to unify our inner and outer perspectives and see the perfection of how the current situation is teaching us what we need to learn. It is not until we are spaciously present with our truth and can share it harmlessly, that we discover we are not defined by possessions or appearances (Universal Dominion). At this level, speaking our truth harmlessly is natural.

On the masculine side, security desires drive us to act like we know what we are doing (Arrogance) even when we do not. Learning how to apply what we know is critical to being seen as effective by others. Making the transition from desiring to be seen as important to actually being a personal contributor (Personal Achievement) is the next higher stage of embodying thoughts in action. While we may not realize it, Personal Achievement establishes a semi-conscious competitive connection that eliminates natural collaboration. Instead, attachment to our positions naturally polarizes others who are equally attached to their ideas. This process is further amplified the more we think our ideas (Idealized Unity) are better than others’, which are subconsciously communicated in patronizing ways, minimizing acceptance.  This personal idealization of a great idea becomes a barrier to others being able to contribute to its manifestation. Instead, they will be drawn to personalize the ideas in their own way to offset the personalization of the initial creator. Until thoughts can be mutually explored and commonly engaged a lack of unity will likely sabotage natural manifestation. Mutual Accomplishment creates intimacy and empowers cooperation.

When we combine our masculine and feminine qualities, it initially allows us to be conscious of where and who we are. Otherwise, we get caught in ideas (beliefs) of who we are without experiencing them internally. While the embodiment of our masculine can be measured by our degree of Aliveness, it is the internal experience of being resourceful and present with our knowing that reflects masculine presence. While the embodiment of our feminine can be measured by the degree of Spacious Presence and Wisdom we have with others, it actually reflects deeper ways of being present with material possessions so that they do not compromise our well-being. When a degree of masculine and feminine can meet each other, we become able to see these polarities within ourselves, which makes it possible to see the polarities in others. We naturally evolve from the Instinctive level, to the Intellectual, to the Idealistic, and, finally, to the Intuitive, but some people have embodied various Motives out of sequence which makes the overall growth process more difficult.

Embodiment of these four levels is the basis for engaging the four levels of relationship. See the Glossary for more on these levels.When we are fixated on the Instinctive level, we only manifest Unconscious Entanglements. When we use Intellectual Motives, we begin to manifest Status Quo contractual-style relationships. We do not begin to attract more conscious people until we heal our individuation issues and transcend co-dependence. When we heal the need to project onto others whatever we are unwilling to accept in ourselves, we can move into the Partners-In-Process stage. Spiritual Partnerships require us to be versatile in all the Motive frameworks so that we are not triggered by other people’s fears, beliefs, or methods of engagement. It is important to remember that each Motive level transcends and includes the previous levels. For example, engaging the Intellectual level means we understand and are more able to manage the Instinctive level. When we operate in Intuitive Motives, it means we are vulnerable enough to be present to our fears but not defined by them. In effect, operating on the Intuitive level means we are no longer able to be enticed to operate at Instinctive, Intellectual, or Idealistic levels.

We discover how to manifest both our inner masculine and feminine qualities so we engage others in all creative modalities. We no longer need others who can meet us where we are, for we can, with full masculine and feminine development, meet others wherever they are. This opens up a much larger universe of relationship choices. The freedom to choose partners for love is greatly supported when we heal our conditioning. We are no longer constrained by conditioning where we discount, ignore or are outwardly afraid of individuals who do not embody their masculine and feminine energy in a way complementary to us. With the healing of conditioning, which would generate Presence and greater Creative Self Love, we could choose someone who is not as aligned with us in Relationship Skills of Compatibility Factors and still be synergistic in our connection.

We can validate where individuals are aligned or not by the challenges in Autonomy and Intimacy they exhibit when connecting with usAutonomy is the ability to deeply engage our truth and share it harmlessly without compromise. Intimacy is the risk taking ability to engage differences and uncomfortable similarities with others in the pursuit of learning how to grow together. Both Autonomy and Intimacy are mirror images of each other and exist only because of each other. The paradox is that the more we embrace the two, the more we are internally balanced and strong in our self-expression. When we become over identified with one at the cost of the other, it produces a gender imbalance in our “self perception”, which creates an inner threat to our safety and security. This is why in relationships a threat to our partner can become a threat to us if we are not equally empowered in our Autonomy and Intimacy skills. For example, a partner who is weak in their Autonomy skills operating in Greed can be greatly threatened by their lack of ability to Intimately influence us to serve their unspoken needs. The more we react to their threats (reflecting our intimacy fears of getting lost in their needs) the more likely we will use Arrogance to distance ourselves from their reactions. Each pair of motives, reflecting the masculine and feminine polarities, is a refuge for counterbalancing the demands of our partners, while also creating an excuse for our own reactive responses.

Intimacy initially builds the feminine side when we are in Greed and Personal Dominion. Autonomy continues this growth on the Idealized Trust level and completes it in Universal Dominion. Autonomy initially builds the masculine side when we are in Arrogance and Personal Achievement. Autonomy continues this growth on the Idealized Unity level and completes it in Mutual Accomplishment. Lust is the place of maximum tension between the Intimacy requirements of Greed and the Autonomy demands of Arrogance on the instinctive level. Self Serving Activity is the experience of maximum separation between the Intimacy demands of Personal Dominion and the Autonomy requirements of Personal Achievement on the intellectual level. Idealized Co-Creation is the projection of our desires on others without their actual agreement or alignment. It reflects the dualistic way we distance ourselves (externally or internally) from the very things that are most dear to us. On the feminine side we use the growing Autonomy of Idealized Trust (honoring potential) to offset the growing Intimacy of Idealized Unity (honoring big ideas). To move into the idealized level, we need to embrace the possibility that our personal perspective could be enriched by another’s perspective. The opportunity of how to be both autonomous and intimate at the same time is the experience of Conscious Participation.

As we have noted, the feminine side begins with Intimacy (where potential is revealed) and evolves by engaging Autonomy (where we become cultural leaders). We maximize our power in the feminine by being able to speak our truth harmlessly. We minimize our power in the feminine by being attached to outer form, appearance or material possessions and being unwilling to take risks to grow. The masculine side begins with Autonomy (the ability to manifest and define our path) and evolves by engaging Intimacy (where we become potent cosmic magnets for ideas). We maximize power in our masculine by being able to effectively integrate our ideas with others’ ideas. We minimize power in the masculine by taking credit for our ideas and being unwilling to operate in unity with others. We complete the Gender Identity healing process on the intuitive level, where we learn to embody both our masculine and feminine qualities simultaneously. Let us now examine these levels of denial and how to become more accepting as we transmute them.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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