Masculine Skills

The Purpose Of Skills Development

What gets in the way of these skills is our predefined attachments to our identity, our beliefs and positions about how we need to interact with others to be safe and secure, and our fear of change and growth. Unfortunately, our previously entangled and co-dependent relationships have taught us to compromise our skills in these ways to promote a false sense of safety and security. Discovering how these positions compromise our higher possibilities is the healing that occurs in the Enlightened Distinctions process. What we recover is the ability to embody all the possibilities within each skill area. It is paradoxical that owning our flexibility by releasing these old patterns creates the opportunity to take an integrated stand (an in-the-moment unified perspective) for each of these skills.

When we select partners based on our own projected fears and desires, and not for who they are, we set ourselves up in a reactive, fear-based relationship where defenses become institutionalized. While it can be uncomfortable in same-defense relationships, this action permits us to easily dissolve inherent fears as trust builds and strong connections are established over time. When we consciously take charge of healing our defenses by confronting our fears (mostly by adopting close opposite-sex same-defense relationships or close same-sex opposite defense relationships), we can begin to appreciate how we have patterned our lives to minimize fear and justify our security desires. Breaking out of pre-conceived limitations and biases is the goal of this discussion, particularly since doing so is the primary way to uplift and enhance our relationship opportunities.

For those of us currently in opposite defense or polar opposite relationships, it is important to transcend the differences and polarities by disassociating our personal view from that of our partner’s or the relationship view. In other words, we need to distinguish our personal expressions of Autonomy (which if repressed causes many difficulties) from differences of opinion. We accomplish this by letting go of our positions where we have to be right. We substitute in the moment choices that consider and engage all possibilities. When we are not attached to a pre-existing point of view, we cal lit a stand. Imagine what it would be like to be able to say anything that comes to mind; knowing that your partner would not interpret it in a way where they felt diminished or discounted. When we are in a Co-Creative Partnership then it is easy to create a balance in ourselves that honors everyone. This is the opposite of fixed positions that reinforce fear and security desires.

The challenge is when individuals are unsure of who they are and feel the need to pretend to be someone they are not so they will be accepted. This environment creates the perception that defenses are acceptable and justified. Unfortunately, when one partner invests in defenses, it usually requires the other partner to invest as well. These defenses merely confuse the real issues and create a reactive/defensive conversation where doubt in the intentions of the other prevails. We believe that interactions between people with different defensive styles allow and support the persistence of lies and distortions because the frameworks for consistency checking between defensive styles are non-existent. An interesting aspect of this is how biases, glamour and projected illusions work together in selectively reinforcing what we fear and what we desire, making everything seem difficult.

Polarization is the natural result of unresolved fear and desires. Defenses are justified on the basis of excessive fear or desire. The more defensive we become, the more fragmented our personalities become, draining us of our vitality, joy and general energy. We then tend to segment and separate our fears and desires into competing camps that leave us wondering who we are and what we really want. When we learn who we really are beneath our defenses, three important things happen: 1) we discover that our defenses entangle us in reactive personality dynamics that slow our development; 2) we re-orient ourselves to the common similarities that make us all human, alive, loving and inclusive, rather than the differences that isolate us; 3) our natural creativity and faith in ourselves and others re-emerges as we realize that true power arises from personality integration.

Personality Integration brings together all the disparate aspects of ourselves so we can experience our wholeness. As we integrate and heal ourselves we recover our Playfulness, and we use Paradox to bring together all the elements that otherwise would be in conflict. The only permanent solution is to create harmony from within so we don’t need to project our conflicts externally.

When we are at peace with ourselves and accept and love who we are, our Autonomy is not at stake and others cannot affect our relationship with Self. This personality integration process is not comfortable or easy, as it involves accepting responsibility for ourselves the way we are. It requires an in-depth self-evaluation process that does not resort to justification and blaming others. This process begins by becoming conscious of personal defenses so we can dismantle them. This is where the compatibility factors have value and can assist in determining the lay of the land in our own world. Using these factors, we can explore the differences between ourselves and others and even predict personality reactions before they occur. When we appreciate our Creative Self it results in greater love and appreciation of others.

Initially we may only see the immediate instinctive associations and reactions. On-going practice and investment will offer new levels of understanding. Natural affinity will become clear and easily identifiable. Natural differences will also be less difficult to work through as we learn how to express our concerns and harmlessly reveal our history. Ultimately, we will learn to build new intuitive associations and use these patterns to build greater intimacy with others. Our greatest attraction to others, when we are not sure we love ourselves, will be with polar-opposite people. If we venture in this direction, we will do it more consciously and with greater internal awareness. With this awareness we are less affected or entangled by what our partner is doing. In all cases we recommend using Personality Detachment before jumping in. With eyes open we can make choices more clearly, knowing the problems that can arise.

Without these skills, if we are paired with an opposite partner, we feel drawn in with a promise of great possibility, which could become a mirage on the horizon if the other person is unaware of the challenges. While the odds are not good, we have found that only 3 out of 100 do succeed without this knowledge. With conscious application of these skills, the odds shift in your favor with over 60% creating a Co-Creative Partnership with 7 years.  Many of our constituents has accomplished this in much less time.

Create a space within where you can practice these skills and experiment with different ways of engaging others. Choose the top-down intuitive approach, which begins with proper motives. Are we engaging others with the motives of Mutual Accomplishment, Universal Dominion and Conscious Participation?  Fill this space with self-generated love, joy and appreciation of the differences and similarities with others so that we will be prepared to be in enlightened relationships. When we first experience expanded skills, it will be easy to judge ourselves harshly for past choices. Refrain from this by appreciating that past relationships provided the necessary preparation you needed to get where you are now. Remember that your power is here now and in every moment.

The path to natural relationship skills travels many winding roads, through self-examination of parental history and the relationship choices we have made to date. A key part of the journey is to embrace both interpersonal autonomy (based on noticing and honoring differences) and transformational intimacy (based on similarities), when creating healthy, conscious partnerships. With this new perspective, we start with symmetrical relationships to find and experience authentic and natural intimacy. The differences are more about how to implement a joint vision, rather than individual and separate paths. By following this path we can grow to love every aspect of our rich and creative expression. When this finally occurs, we are no longer bound to the limitations of seeing others in terms of differences or similarities. We will see their wholeness and rejoice, in spite of their own perception of wholeness.

We are on the right track if we feel the expanded awareness (experienced as wholeness, stability, and continuity), clarity (experienced as focused creativity), and Aliveness (experienced as flexibility, commonalty, and fluidity) with our partner and the world. Most revealing is the expansion of peace, serenity and harmony that we carry with us. As we grow in our abilities and learn to respond consciously to each issue, a new world of loving interactions will appear and we will use this material without even thinking about it. At this point, we can create masterful relationships with anyone. The freedom experienced will be phenomenal. Safety and security needs will totally disappear. We will know how to bring out wholeness, beauty and full participation with anyone because we can tap into the communal humanity in each of us. This is the dream and reality of this work.

Going through this process will automatically draw to us compatible partners with whom we are most synergistically resonant, and with whom we can release our true creative power. This occurs because our inner relationship to ourselves improves. When we encounter these relationships, a heart-link will occur which combines both energies and allows something magical to happen. Since both are willing to be vulnerable, the strength of assisting each other will transform common difficulties into truly effortless and joyful mutual expression.

This requires faith and trust in our wholeness allowing us to deal with any situation with humor, lightness and love. We fully appreciate ourselves as heroes and goddesses who are making a contribution in the world. Our research and the practical experiences of many couples indicates that with an intuitively based top-down approach we can create Co-Creative Partnerships in 7 months or less, rather than the problematic bottom-up approach which usually takes at least 7 years (with less than 3% success). This is the challenge that we hope you can now accept.

Twelve Motives

Motives represent why we do what we do. Higher Alignment seeks to clarify, uplift and open up a truthful exploration of Motives so we can free ourselves from the toxic effect of Unconscious, Habitual ways of operating. Motives reflect the reason(s) why we engage others. Without Motives, we lack the desire to connect or work with others. When we are not open to change and Growth it is easy to become habituated in our denial of reality. Motives can become a way to ignore what we are unwilling to accept. Internal struggle is a reflection of conditioning (defining our Self in terms others accept). The struggle is between the Personality Self (Survival and success programming) and our Creative Self (who we are naturally). Conditioned behaviors are false and fearful assertions that we believe we need to prove to protect our Personality Self. While our conditioning is based on how others discounted, denied and made us wrong for some specific way of being, it is commonly integrated into predictable behavior patterns. Some believe their personality is this conditioning.

How does this struggle distract us when our Intentions are all about trying to make “things” occur, so we can be more self-actualized? Our Fears produce unintentional “precessional” effects, which prevent our Intentions from being fulfilled. Precessional means to precede. Fears are Precessional when people operate from their conditioning. Fears keep us from engaging our Life Energy and committing to its expression outside ourselves. We can release this struggle with Unconscious Motives and Experience an internal flow when we use “what is so” in the moment to guide our responses. Pain, rejection, and abandonment can all be understood and Joyfully appreciated when we acknowledge the power of Conscious Motives to heal, engage and embrace our past incomplete patterns. We miss an opportunity when we adopt people-pleasing behaviors that are not authentic. The investigation of Motives reveals our conditioning and permits us to choose our path Consciously without compromise.

There are 12 Motives that reflect the Feminine polarity (four Motives), the Masculine polarity (four Motives) and their combinations (four additional Motives) on four levels: Instinctive, Intellectual, Idealized and Intuitive. See the diagram Twelve Higher AlignmentMotives. Our “Personality” expression is often limited in ways we do not perceive due to unexamined Motive effects. Each lower motive has a blind spot, a fixed behavioral response and cost to engage. Imagine how each motive reveals a past story of compromise where we felt discounted and denied. Let us listen to our past stories so we can understand why we act the way we do. Let us acknowledge how our vows not to be hurt in the same way again led to limiting our interactions with others. Consider the possibility that these ways of protecting our self are now outmoded because we have greater skills to respond when others hurt us. Ironically, our protective conditioning with its blindness’s, Fears and consolation Beliefs is now hurting us more than others are. If we are can accept, appreciate and Love these patterns we can transmute them. Transmutation requires releasing the creative denial that keeps us separated from our Life Energy. This Life Energy is the source of our power to grow and change. When we connect and align to it, our Authentic Life Expression emerges.

Nowhere is conditioning more prevalent than within Gender Identity assumptions. It is even more interesting if we do not feel compelled to fulfill traditional expectations about Gender Identity and can operate without relying on these role stereotypes. We grow beyond these issues by envisioning our Gender Identity in a more inclusive manner. All attachments, positions and Projections about Gender Identity are reflected in the Motives framework. The more contracted or repressed we feel in our Masculine or Feminine sides, the more we protect our perspective and attack anyone who challenges how we show up. As we begin to see the hierarchy of Motives, the cost of being stuck in lower and more Unconscious Intentions becomes apparent.

While the Intent of each motive is to connect with others, the lower our motive, the less we are able to sense a Connection and be present with others. In effect, our Intention is frustrated by our Fears. On the Feminine side, Safety Fears stimulate us to acquire possessions (Greed) or use our Beauty or handsomeness as a way to attract what we need. Learning how to be appropriate with our possessions (Personal Dominion) means not using them to impose our “personality” on others. If we are committed to a larger possibility (Idealized Trust) it can become difficult to find people we can Trust. The problem is an internal inability to be present with our vision, which keeps us from seeing when others are not present with us. It is not until we are spaciously present in our truth and can share it harmlessly we discover we are not defined by possessions or appearances (Universal Dominion). On the Masculine side, Security Desires drive us to act like we know what we are doing (Arrogance) even if we do not. Making the transition from desiring to be seen as important to actually being a personal contributor (Personal Achievement) is the next higher stage of embodying our Thoughts in action. This process is further amplified the more we think our ideas are greater than others’ (Idealized Unity), which subconsciously we communicate in patronizing ways, minimizing their Acceptance. Until Thoughts can be mutually explored and commonly engaged (Mutual Accomplishment), a lack of Unity will likely sabotage their natural manifestation.

We can validate where individuals operate by the challenges in Autonomy and Intimacy they exhibit when connecting with us. Autonomy is the ability to deeply engage our truth and share it harmlessly without compromise. Intimacy is the risk-taking ability to engage differences and uncomfortable similarities with others in the pursuit of learning how to grow together. Lust is the place of maximum tension between the Intimacy requirements of Greed and the Autonomy demands of Arrogance on the Instinctive level. Self Serving Activity is the Experience of maximum separation between the Intimacy demands of Personal Dominion and the Autonomy requirements of Personal Achievement on the Intellectual level. Idealized Co-Creation is the Projection of our Desires on others without their actual agreement or Alignment. The opportunity becomes how to both be autonomous and intimate at the same time, which is the Experience of Conscious Participation

As we have noted, the Feminine side begins with Intimacy (where our potential is revealed) and evolves by engaging Autonomy (where we become Cultural Leaders). The Masculine side begins with Autonomy (where the ability to define our path manifests) and evolves by engaging Intimacy (where we become potent Cosmic Magnets for ideas). We complete the Gender Identity healing process on the intuitive level, where we learn to embody both our Masculine and Feminine qualities simultaneously. This opens us up to seeing how our perceptions of Gender have greatly limited our ability to interact with others. We discover how to own both our inner Masculine and Feminine, so we can engage others in all creative modalities. We no longer need others who can meet us where we are, for we can, with full Masculine and Feminine development, meet others wherever they are. This opens up a much larger Universe of relationship choices. The Freedom to choose Partners for Love is greatly accentuated. We are no longer trapped by conditioning where we discount, ignore or are outwardly afraid of individuals who do not embody their Masculine and Feminine energy in a way complementary to us. With greater Self Love we can choose someone who would be aligned with us, which effectively neutralizes Unconscious expression.

When we get caught up in Gender Identity perspectives, our conditioning supports us in paying Attention to those who reinforce our positive view of ourselves in three ways. The Instinctive Motives drive us: 1) to try to possess more material things in order to increase our sense of Safety (Greed), 2) to present a false sense of confidence about what we know in order to create a false sense of Security (Arrogance), or 3) to focus on others who are more beautiful or handsome than us in order to leverage our self-perceived image (Lust). Conditioning accomplishes this by focusing us on pre-established Beliefs about who we are.It is our fear of rejection and abandonment that drives us to cover up our neediness, presenting a superficial persona where we pretend we do not need what we actually do need.Conditioning is therefore dualistic and layered, thwarting easy resolution.

On the Intellectual level we get caught up in comparing our idea of our selves with the idea others have of themselves, so we can improve our leverage over them. When we operate from the motive of Personal Dominion, we elevate our own personality needs, minimizing the ability to see the compromise and pain of others attempting to meet us. When we operate in a motive of Personal Achievement, we typically put out our ideas first and are unable to consider or incorporate the ideas or suggestions of others. When operating from a mode of Self-Serving Activity, we become trapped in the superficial caretaking of others because we put our needs first and are unable to see the needs of others up front. At this level we are entangled with our idea of our self and others’ idea of us.

Idealized Motives reflect how, when our inner Fears and Desires are not seen as powerful by others, we make them powerful by projecting the need for them into the world. By focusing on how others can fix things for us it takes us off the hook (Idealized Trust). By projecting grand ideas on others, we diminish input and ideas from others (Idealized Unity), and by fixating on how we believe things should be addressed without creating common assumptions with others, we minimize synergistic possibilities (Idealized Co-Creation). Idealized Motives keep us from responsive Balanced interaction with others. Instead we are lost in how others do not see and value our ideals.

With Intuitive Motives we are able to accept ourselves, and recognize our natural strengths and weaknesses, which enables us to cooperate with others as they are. This creates the Experience of Communion. On the Feminine side, our Acceptance of others where they are keeps us from being focused on their possessions because we realize that they are not how they look or what they have. The Experience of inner Serenity and Presence allows us to let go of any attachments that keep us from fully engaging one another (Universal Dominion). On the Masculine side we can appreciate our “goal-fitness” for any particular activity and in the process of life discover what is appropriate when interacting with others. In this way, we can work in Unity and cooperate with the larger possibilities that emerge (Mutual Accomplishment). We are able to unify the Masculine and Feminine sides through the Experience of sharing ourselves, enabling us to go beyond perceived Creative Self-limitations so that our opportunities to grow manifest in countless new ways. We call this Communion Experience Conscious Participation. When we go Unconscious we fall into patterns of self-denial where we end up using Guilt, Shame, and Blame to make our Partners wrong and us right. With greater Consciousness, we discover we can respond rather than react. We have a choice.

When we date others it is possible to quickly see when Motives are not aligned or complementary. All Unconscious Motives reflect Beliefs about how others should defer to, Respect or Esteem us to match our own self-perceptions. When we do not get the response we (or others) expect, we may immediately believe we are not right for one another. The impatience is amplified if our Partners do not take our point of view and reassure us. Since Personality automatically seeks greater Safety and Security, we tend to draw negative conclusions when someone does not respond the way we expect, we possess different Fears that we consider weak, or operate in ways that are considered unfair or unethical. We Experience greater fear when we operate with similar compromises (the same Motives).We tend to seek Partners who possess complementary Motives, particularly if they are willing to be reassuring about our possible concerns.Beliefs only support and reinforce personality concerns. The patterns of Motives that any person engages reflect fixed Beliefs about who they are and what they want. Noticing which Beliefs we reinforce can become a self-diagnostic tool that reveals where we are in the process of transmuting our Fears. When we understand that we are not our Beliefs about our history it opens us up to living in a manner that transcends our conditioning.

Diagram 3, “Identifying Motives By Our Fears”, illustrates how the underlying power to embrace Life Energy can be changed completely by recognizing underlying conditioning issues. When we are able to be present with these Fears and see that they are limited reflections of who we really are, then we will no longer be defined by motive Beliefs. It is important to take time to clear these Fears from our body awareness by exploring them as explicitly as possible. Some people find relief in taking their Fears and describing them in terms of Sensation, taste, smell, color, and location in the body. The more we become Conscious of our Fears, the less we are driven to act from lower Motives. In effect, Consciousness allows us to see that our Safety and Security issues are, to a degree, made up and amplified as a way to affirm our Survival needs. When we can appreciate how the personality mechanism has brought us to the point where we are more Conscious, then it is possible to see that the old patterns are no longer useful or necessary.

As long as we are Unconscious, Motives provide the means to constantly interact with our Fears. We can see this in our efforts to change others so we feel safer or more secure. Failing this, we can see how we adapted to others and fell into people-pleasing behaviors so as not to aggravate the Fears of others. It is time now to consider how we can Consciously author our Experience by choosing to operate in Motives that are more fulfilling and that honor the development of our Consciousness. Each layer of Motives, from the bottom up, operates with greater pain, rejection, and abandonment. For this reason, people usually work from the highest state of Consciousness they can embody and embrace whatever degree of fear they can transmute at any one time. By being with your fear and exploring it, it dissipates its energy into awareness, which is what is called the Transmutation process. The more we clear different Motives, the more we can see the Motives of others that keep them from being present with us.

Benefits Of Becoming Conscious About Motives

Our first impression of others deals with the degree their Motives match our own. The more natural our Alignment, the more sympathetic and reassuring we are because we can see ourselves in their situation. Too much similarity can also create fear when others seem to know more about us than we know about them. This encourages complementary (or opposite) motive relationships to increase our sense of Security. For example, an individual operating in a motive of Greed would be attracted to an individual operating in Arrogance. Becoming more Conscious and uplifting our Motives is the fastest way to attract more Conscious Partners. Confronting our conditioning also reveals a common blindness to particular issues. This can make it easier to choose more compatible Partners who will not repeat previous patterns. We invite the reader to examine past relationships to discover how their motive interactions may have compromised their relationships. Many participants in the Higher Alignment process have used Motives to select aligned Partners, understand business relationships on a new level or have used these insights to reveal the incomplete patterns of family or parental expressions. The most valuable aspect of this process is to know when an individual can or will likely grow versus when they will not. The Beliefs and Fears surrounding Motives guide us on a profound level to understanding how to better connect with individuals and even how to invite others to uplift their Motives so they can meet us where we are.