Intuitive Skills

Higher Alignment Skills

Higher Alignment skills occur because we have learned how to individuate and how to be in a relationship. This begins with connecting to our Self in a conscious nurturing way. When we are able to be present with ourselves without projections or distractions, we are prepared to embrace Higher Alignment Skills. Mutual learning arises because we can be Playful and Paradoxical. Physical Discernment is possible because we do not take things personally and we can differentiate between our stuff and their stuff. Co-Creativity occurs because we can trust both partners to hold their truth harmlessly and hold the space of Common Neutral Ground through their willingness to be intimate with each other. Higher Alignment skills help us move into passion together through mutual learning. These skills provide a framework for self-transformation by being able to help us know what is going on in ourselves and report that to our partner.

These skills encourage the blessings of being ourselves by honoring all aspects of each individual. They help us see that, with consciousness, others can be seen and met and heard by their partners in ways that evoke new possibilities and new understanding. In a practical way, all this is possible only if individuals have done their homework and have released themselves from their imprinting. Otherwise, a lot of the inner, interpersonal time that people have together, becomes occupied by ensuring our partners do not get triggered in an area or end up feeling activated when we do something that seems like their parents.

It is only when we realize that we no longer need to protect ourselves and when we are firmly anchored in our knowing, that who we are is perfect and capable of making the contribution that we seek to make in the world. Then we know that we have let go of the need to play defensive games. When we recognize that we cannot be denied and when we know that we will be seen for whom we really are, at whatever degree they can accept, then we can start to see how the universe was created to facilitate our natural creative expression.

Integrating Our Intention, Content and Context

When we begin to understand ourselves as conscious, Creative Beings, we realize that we make choices in terms of people, activities and contributions. These choices are received by others only to the degree that we can match the place where we are with the place where they are. In other words, we discover that our ability to ‘see’ others just where they are allows us to contribute to them on a much deeper level than if we are unable to appreciate their unique circumstances. The more we embrace Higher Alignment skills and begin to trust where we are congruent with our own truth, the more powerfully we can actually contribute to others. Therefore, tuning up our skills allows us to notice where we are similar, where we are different, and how we can use each of these perspectives to consciously facilitate our contribution to others. The three skills that help us accomplish this are Mutual Learning, Physical Discernment, and Co-Creative Engagement.

As we have stated many times in this book, Creative Self-Acceptance produces an ability to accept others exactly as they are. The more we become tuned into creative expression, the more we begin to appreciate the diverse nature of each individual’s creative gifts. The more we love ourselves, the more we want to facilitate the expressions of others with our own so as to generate new types of Creative Alignment. From this perspective, it is easy to see that all life is just how it should be, and evolving in ways it needs to. The more we appreciate our unique creative nature, the more gratitude we have when others are willing to Co-Create with us. It is through the process of creative Communion with others that we experience a type of grace or magic that makes life worth living. Ironically, even the dissonant situations we find ourselves in become a gift as we grow in our understanding of what works and what does not. The result, of course, is greater harmonic connections with others.

Mastery of these skills helps us to understand what choices are available in each and every moment. By this time, we have become more focused on the outer, transpersonal nature of our contributions and therefore are more interested in how people are able to receive them fully. This requires a better understanding of the nature of others, the quality of our contribution, and a sense of timing as to when to bring the two together. The more we are able to embody all the Relationship Skills as a unified whole, the more we can be responsive to others and actually bring new possibilities into existence with them. We accomplish this primarily by using a Common Neutral Ground and being able to read the ‘energetics’ of the situation. This way we can introduce appropriately what is needed when it is needed. In effect, we become masters of the creative process by transcending our own personality preferences and seeing the larger picture in front of us.

Embodying the skill of Mutual Learning means we need to be able to distinguish our choices from those of our partners and find a common way to serve both. Without Mutual Learning, we are unconsciously competitive with each other and unwilling to share resources. Mutual Learning requires us to understand our creative differences and similarities so we are able to Co-Create with others. Some of us protect ourselves by overdoing our support of our partners at the cost of ourselves, which compels us to withdraw from the situation when it does not work out as we had planned. Or, we protect ourselves by focusing on ourselves, so we do not have to engage the issues of our partners, which drives them to take care of us in ways we do not want. We then end up pushing others away and trying to define boundaries to keep them out. If we cannot be manipulated in either of these ways, we typically end up taking Unilateral Action wherein we do what we want and let others deal with it after the fact. This usually occurs when we are so frustrated by the lack of progress that we are willing to take on the anger of our partner just to feel some degree of movement.

It is not until we release our attachments, and neutralize and Balance our positions that we can become more present in our humanity. When we are able to embody and manifest the skill, it awakens within us a virtue that can be attractive to others. In this way, each skill empowers us to be more available but also brings with it a unique quality of Connection. This usually makes others feel more safe and secure with us, particularly if they match our skill level. It is matching skills that provide the greatest sense of Unity in any relationship. In short, we are radiating a possibility that they may or may not, based upon how much they Love their Creative Self, find attractive when we are operating at different levels of skill. These virtues are: Self Validation, Personal Dignity, Expanding Engagement, Daring Bold Participation, Conscious Sacrifice, Courageous Integrity, All-Inclusive Truth Seeking, Authentic Justice, Radiant Serenity, Spiritual Responsibility, Universal Faith, and Interconnecting Vision, Respectively. See The DiagramRelationship Skill Virtues.

The capacity to operate on this level requires that we minimize Excitement, Intensity, and Repulsion, so that full Connection, Communication, and Co-Measurement become the foundation for our Communion. Communion is the Experience of mutual Aliveness, Wisdom, and Awareness with another person. Communion is a transfiguring Experience, because we learn more about who we are in the process of responding to others. This Alignment, on a personality level, is mirrored by Alignment on the creative level, where we are Beauty, Truth, and Goodness, both individually and together. This opens an energetic doorway between individuals and in groups that permits synchronization and synergy. Communion is also an energetic Experience where Intent, Content, and Context are balanced on all levels. When experiencing Communion, the knowing of others automatically reflects our knowing. There is a mutual empowerment in the nature of our interactions. It is generosity and sense of abundance that enhances and enriches all experiences. Communion transcends our everyday reality, because it awakens us to deeper issues behind our superficial visions of reality. In this way, Communion is a heightened state of awareness that encourages others to connect and share themselves. When we are Present with our Self and others, Love radiates from us.

Co-Creative Partnership is initiated by Communion. Without Communion, there is no Spiritual Partnership. Since Communion is the blending of three energies (Life, Light and Love) we will discuss each one in turn. Life Energy is met and exchanged only when there is mutual Aliveness. If our Partner is caught up in Excitement, we need to break this entrancement, so they are able to share their true Beauty with us. Only then will they be able to truly see and accept our Beauty. Otherwise, the relationship will focus on fulfilling personal needs and fantasies rather than Being together. The primary indicator of Excitement (where we are out of Balance between our Sensations and Feelings) is a lack of full energetic Life EnergyConnection. Titillation, jealousy, sympathy and a desire to fulfill our Partner’s expectations by being what they want us to be, are all outcomes caused by Excitement. The main indicator that Aliveness is present is an encouragement to speak our truth (particularly if difficult).

Aliveness empowers us to respond and play with whatever comes up (without becoming overly serious), so that a full-on Life EnergyConnection is established between Partners. Mutual Aliveness is an ability to dance both energetically and physically with our Partner, so that we can bond on Sensation and Feeling levels. Being present with each other on these levels without becoming attached to each other is what creates the Bonding.This Experience is what creates the Trust that supports the relationship in engaging exterior opportunities. If it is not present, our personal Safety programming emerges and we seek Partners that mirror our incomplete parental Acceptance.

Light Energy is met and exchanged only when there is mutual Wisdom. If our Partner is caught up in Intensity (an imbalance between our Thoughts and Emotions), we need to break this fixation so that our truth can be Co-Created. Otherwise, the relationship will focus on fulfilling our personal Individuation process by making the truth of others “less.” We commonly Experience this in subjectification conversations where someone talks down to us. The primary indicators of Intensity are a lack of full energetic Light EnergyConnection, competitiveness, and a desire to be acknowledged as being “right” by the people we Love. The main indicator that Wisdom is present is a willingness to share our truth, warts and all, an ability to engage whatever shows up using Paradox, and the capacity to communicate our truth harmlessly in a Co-Creative manner. Mutual Wisdom is an ability to manifest mutually created solutions (particularly on Emotional and Thinking levels), so that we can be aligned and express our power with one another. Being heartfelt with each other on these levels, without becoming positional, is what creates the Bonding. Wisdom creates the Unity that supports us in sticking together through our relationship challenges. If it is not present, our personal Security programming emerges and we seek Partners that mirror our incomplete power issues.

Creative Love Energy is met and exchanged only when there is mutual Awareness. The more we fixate on ways we need to be Loved by others to feel whole and complete, the more we are trapped in idealizations (imbalances between Feelings and Emotions). Many of us are either protecting our Feelings, Emotions or both, causing repulsions with others when they do not do what we want them to. Creative SelfLove honors everyone as they are and requires that others affirm nothing within us. First, we need to make sure that we are not fixated on how others should Love us. Second, if our Partner is caught up in past Repulsions, we need to break this Projection so our mutual Goodness can be shared. Otherwise, despite idealistic Intentions to the contrary, the relationship will focus on fulfilling our personal, self-serving goals at the cost of our Partner. The primary indicator that Repulsion is in play is a lack of full energetic Love EnergyConnection (producing confusion between Love, sex and our needs). Idealization can also be recognized by confusion between selfishness and selflessness, and comparisons to the past where we anxiously seek validation by others.

The main indicator that Awareness is present is a pronounced ability to acknowledge our personal issues, the desire to be responsible and responsive in all interactions, and the capacity to operate in a state of Autonomy and integrity with others. Mutual Awareness is an ability to honor Interdependent Lessons between Partners, so we can autonomously contribute in ways that serve both others and ourselves. Our ability to Co-Measure our contributions with each other and the world (particularly on Feeling and Emotional levels) assists us in maintaining our inner harmony and Balance. Being gracious and grateful with each other on these levels, without projecting our personal goals on our Partner, is what creates the Bonding. This Experience creates loving support without the need to be any particular way. If Awareness is not present, or if it is out of Balance, personal Growth programming emerges and we attract Partners who manifest the Fears that we are struggling to avoid.

Many individuals believe that the only choice is between Spiritual Partnerships or nothing at all. In truth, Connection, communication, and Co-Measurement are all steps necessary to help us in embodying the Communion that underlies Spiritual Partnership. Each time we hold space for our Partner’s Connection with us becomes an opportunity to meet one another in a mutually fulfilling way. Spiritual Partnership is merely about putting together these Experiences, so that most of the time, we are experiencing our opportunities to transcend our perceptions of self, rather than reinforcing why we can’t move beyond our past. In this way, Spiritual Partnership is actually about opening the door to seeing how everyone wants to be Loved and accepted as they are. When we commit to living fully, without compromise, it invites others to do the same. This Commitment to living without compromise is a Commitment to putting ourselves forward, even if it is likely that we will be hurt. In this way, we make possible times of great Communion, Trust, and Unity with our Partners. When we are able to do this to the capacity of our relationship, it is deeply fulfilling.

10: Mutual Learning (Creating A Framework For Sharing Resources)

When we honor that the resources of others can assist us in creating with each other, then it becomes important to learn to be co-operative. Mutual Learning naturally creates greater openness, unity of purpose, and healing with others. Co-operation recognizes that synergy can be produced if individuals are willing to give up their attachments and positions, which highlight their defensive identity. Simply stated, the more baggage we bring to a situation (or the more we believe we have to be met in a certain special way), the less time we have to be with each other honestly and authentically. When we are in our defenses and we don’t want to deal with others, we typically take unilateral action, which is the opposite of Mutual Learning.

Mutual Learning is learning how to learn together. It is about making an investment in the relationship to develop skills that are unique to the relationship. It builds a sense of mutual love and synergistic communion that allows us to give our partner a break if something is not going right immediately. Instead, we learn to accept things as they are and move from that point forward. There are three position that reflect the major ways in which we deny Mutual Learning: 1) Taking unilateral action to do things on our own, without consultation of others, because we are not able to deal with their disagreement (the Distant position); 2) Pushing others away by trying to overwhelm others about all the things we have thought about, usually by trying to do everything immediately (the Dynamic position); 3) By withdrawing whenever they make a proposal, so that we can justify our own point of view and let them stew on the fact that we won’t play (the Disarming position). The purpose of Mutual Learning is to learn how to open up so that we can share our resources. Whenever we hide and/or withdraw our resources from the relationship space, this form of disengagement eliminates the possibility of Mutual Learning. What is missing, obviously, is trust in the process.

The lesson of Mutual Learning, therefore, is to see that working with others only costs us the letting go of our defensiveness. The greater our need to take unilateral action, the more we fear the creative power of others and, therefore, the more we seek to take the decision out of their hands. Ultimately, the best solution is to re-engage others both playfully and with paradox in order to create the possibility for Mutual Learning. If we use unilateral action in a relationship with others, it ends up breaking the continuity of the relationship and requires that we forgive ourselves and ask for and accept their forgiveness before being able to authentically re-engage them.

Ironically, forgiveness is a state of being present with our self so that we are not in our defense. When we mutually forgive, it reconnects us in an authentic and creative way. Unfortunately, many of us believe that letting go of our positions about being right or capable or strong is not an uplifting process. We don’t see that doing so puts us more in touch with our creativity, but rather it can collapse our position and leave us with no power. When we react this way, we obviously have not learned the lesson that conveying vulnerability is actually a way of demonstrating our true strengths. By opening up to the lessons we can mutually learn with others, we can grow far beyond where we could go only by ourselves.

Conclusions About Mutual Learning.

1. Mutual Learning reflects our creativity, which is how we honor our energy and use it effectively with others to advance our understanding of the possibilities.


2. The more we relax with our partner and use playfulness and paradox to transform our attachments and positions into Aliveness, Wisdom and mutual awareness the more unified and whole we will feel. The result will be that we will experience being consciously in charge of our Growth and able to choose to what degree, under any circumstance, how to best engage any issue.


3. Mutual Learning is subverted by safety and security beliefs of not trusting the process; fear of alignment, unity or unconscious merging; or a desire for unilateral action. Mutual Learning is also subverted by fears that what we learn will not be available to me when I need it; that somehow this growth will be theirs and not ours. Unfortunately, individuals typically believe that learning is a zero sum game where one person learns at the other persons’ expense. Instead learning is a game that enhances everyone and uplifts all. We are also afraid that we won’t agree on what we are trying to learn, therefore we shouldn’t even engage in the process. The illusion that mutual goals are required for mutual growth is a fantasy created by our society to keep us dependent on it. We short-circuit our growth process when we believe we need alignment and agreement in advance and need to map out where we are going in order to get there. Unfortunately, growth is messy, goals are short term and mutual growth is a constant exploration of the possibilities where the most outrageous results are unexpected.


4. Mutual Learning is enhanced through trust, unity and love. With self-unifying, radiant love we engage others without expectations or a safety net. With trust we endeavor to see the higher possibility while accepting the reality of lower possibilities as well. With unity we find a greater power beyond ourselves that comes from serving a larger purpose. These elements create a relationship foundation, which improves our partner’s ability to mirror our attachments and positions so we can be healed and transformed. We learn to do the same for them.

The Mutual Learning game is to create more interesting things to learn about each other be seeing the perfection of them as they are and desiring to go deeper. This allows you to never be bored by your partner, because boredom is a sign that you are not taking the opportunity to learn what is in front of you: the people, the things, the circumstances.

Mutual Learning is only possible when we have integrated our physical and emotional being using Playfulness and engaged Paradox by being present on intellectual and intuitive levels. We have to love ourselves to be able to show up being ourselves without a safety or security net. It takes our full expression of who we are as creative beings to be effective in learning with others. Otherwise, we get caught in defensive polarities where we react to the proposals of others making it appear as if we either know more than them or they aren’t doing the right thing. The obstacles to Mutual Learning are numerous. Any individual participating in the Mutual Learning process can become defensively polarized at any time, pulling down the rest of the group if it cannot proceed without their support.

Distant defense style individuals get caught up in unilateral action for fear of being at the effect of others. For example, when a wife in a Distant-defense reaction buys a sofa and has it delivered without telling her husband, she is scared of giving him a chance to veto the proposed action. She is scared that her voice will not be heard. She uses this to justify her pre-emptive actions keeping her partner from being able to influence the situation in a way that would deny her what she thinks she needs. Unilateral action always reduces the Mutual Learning in a group. Another aspect that Distant defense style individuals are using to justify and/or deny participation in the group is how much energy we are putting into the process versus how much we are getting out of the process. Distant defense style individuals are always seeking more energy from the process.

Another way to deny Mutual Learning is how Dynamic defense style individuals demand security or try to control the scheduling of the group to maximize personal well being. It is not that we don’t want to operate efficiently or effectively, but that we should also acknowledge the needs and the scheduling requirements of the other people in the group as much as our own. The more we operate as if we are the most pressed person in the group and that our compromises are more worthy than anyone else, the more it will drag down the Mutual Learning opportunities in the group. What this really says is that we believe we need certain support to be present in the group when in fact it is really our defensive identity that needs support.

Finally, Disarming defense style individuals can sabotage Mutual Learning by demanding time from the group to air personal conflicts. This occurs because we feel compromised emotionally and/or physically by the perceptions, judgments or fears of others. In effect, we feel we have to explain ourselves and get the agreement that it is okay to have our experiences about the process. Ironically, it is our demands for agreement that actually create the conflict with other members of the group. If we were able to trust the process enough to see that nobody is holding us in a negative way, as we perceive, then things could flow much more in alignment. Unfortunately, Disarming defense style individuals typically have experiences with unconscious people that are projected on situations that don’t have anything to do with the previous experiences.

Mutual Learning flows when people are creatively being themselves and operating in a balanced way. When people are able to be themselves and to trust their own internal process then they have great capacity to trust others in ways that inspire growth. The major problem arises when individuals trust others more than they can trust themselves, which creates compromise that pulls us back into defensive reactions. Distant defense style individuals have trouble agreeing to the resources about places and things that the group is dealing with. Dynamic individuals have trouble accepting the resources of the group and engaging in a way that trusts others to perform their assigned activity. Disarming defense style individuals need to learn to trust the process and not become overly concerned when things don’t look right.

A commitment to Mutual Growth is necessary for Distant defense background individuals to accomplish Mutual Learning. This means that we have to confront and be the opposite of what our defense style tries to tell us to do. For example, this means we have to confront our fear and do it anyway. Any deviation from this path puts us at the effect of others in the Mutual Learning process because we are not being as conscious as other people in the situation. We have to almost overdo the Playfulness aspect of things to bring out our life energy in the situation so that people know we are participating. We also learn to be receptive to the Paradoxes of others and feel more capable of allowing things to be the way they are. This means letting go of our outer attachments to perfection and seeing the perfection as it is right now.

Co-Discovery is the commitment that Dynamic defensive background individuals need to honor to create Mutual Learning in their teams. We need to see that other people are working with us and are contributing equally to the process so we don’t think we are doing it all ourselves. If we feel we are doing it all ourselves, it brings the energy of the entire group down when we try to control and direct the process. We need to work more on using Paradox to see things from different perspectives. As we are extremely strong on the intellectual and physical levels, we need to allow more fluidity that is based more around our emotional and intuitive knowing. This allows us to feel more connected and begin honoring our own feelings and intuitions.

Mutual Adventure is the commitment that Disarming defense style background individuals need in order to create Mutual Learning. We need to overcome our fears of taking risks and become more direct in our engagement processes. This means taking charge of certain elements and making sure things occur in a timeline that is agreed upon by the group. This, of course, is one of our biggest challenges because it is hard for us to assume accountability for things we feel we are not capable of managing. Instead, we need to remember how capable we are in creating things working the way we want, without overtly controlling them. We need to learn to be more vibrant in our expression of Playfulness so that the group experiences the life energy we express. We also have to let go of our over sensitivity to hurting other people’s feelings so that we can actually be with people the way they are.

Skill 11: Physical Discernment (Synchronizing Actions With Others)

Honoring our body’s wisdom allows us to refine our sense of timing and appropriateness so that circumstances support us. Physical Discernment is that sense of inner knowing that deepens our appreciation of how everything can come together perfectly. In fact, with Physical Discernment, we see the perfection of how things are moment-to-moment. It requires an acceptance that things will come together and work out. It recognizes that the obstacles we place in our path can be diffused if we are willing to listen to the deeper, more unified, part of our being. This automatically occurs when we do not operate and make decisions when we are reactivated or made to feel wrong by others. The opposite of Physical Discernment is untrustworthiness, which starts with us not trusting ourselves.

Physical Discernment is the second step, where we accept our capacity to be in alignment with others without compromising ourselves. Physical Discernment requires that we tune into the subtle energies of our actions and become conversant with what they tell us. Initially, it requires that we be in alignment with our own body awareness. There are three positions that distract us from being present with ourselves on a physical level: 1) the more we have the inability to take directions from our body’s awareness, the more we get into passive resistance (the Distant position); 2) the more we get attached to the support of others, the more we want them to desire us in a way that makes us feel more secure (the Dynamic position); 3) the more we are concerned about looking like we are doing the right thing, or are operating in a fear of being smothered by others, the more our safety fears are in the way of our body awareness (the Disarming position).

When we have embodied our Physical Discernment, we possess the ability to trust others and ourselves appropriately. This requires us to be present physically and to integrate our physical understandings with our intuitive perceptions of the truth. The lesson of Physical Discernment is to listen to our body’s knowledge and to develop the patience to appreciate that everything has its time and place. The more untrustworthy we feel, the more likely it is that we are aware of our self-sabotage or self-denial, thus increasing our ability to trust things when we are at peace with ourselves. This means that any anxiety or tension can be an indication of something going on of which we are not aware. It means that if we are able to be at peace with ourselves and feel a spiritual or intuitive impulse to take action in some way, it can be trusted to fulfill its initial intention or motivation.

This promotes a sense of self-responsibility and a way to listen more deeply to what our universe is telling us. Ultimately, we cannot take responsibility for anything beyond our ability to trust ourselves to do, meaning that we can only trust others to the degree that we trust ourselves. Ironically, people that trust others more than they trust themselves, set themselves up for failure or for being victims.

Unfortunately, most individuals seek answers in the outer world rather than to seek their own body’s wisdom. Physical Discernment is intuitive in its power for being able to recognize the differences between instinctive impulses (survival oriented), intellectual impulses (safety and security oriented) and intuitive impulses (arising from our true creative nature). Correct interpretation of impulses permits us to be selective about what we empower and become clear about the effects of our choices; providing a conscious framework to accelerate or restrict our growth. Physical Discernment reflects our ability to see beyond appearances to the values underlying our creative source.

By observing those patterns we become cognizant of our reactive cause and effect nature, and as we learn to love this nature; it transforms us into awareness of consciousness and compassion. We then seek to uplift ourselves and others. With active Physical Discernment the motives, values and vision of others are apparent. We approach and support others with the same love and honor we give to ourselves. In one way, discovering the gift of Physical Discernment is to find our place in the scheme of things. We know our unique creative contribution and possess the clarity to plant the seeds for its blossoming.

Physical Discernment is required to increase our depth of understanding and appreciation of the complexity of interpersonal dynamics. Recognizing the different levels and effects of following impulses is a good way to build a framework for examining personal choices. Impulses can be identified by the level of motives that the person is operating from when they suggest a course of action, or by their expectations or lack of expectations accompanying those actions. Instinctive impulses are reactive and forceful, and they attempt to initiate activity that guarantees the survival of the person, usually by defining a problem that includes them. Instinctive impulses are based on safety, fears and expectations, which, when frustrated, can lead to anger and violence.

The following instinctive impulses lead to Unconscious Entanglements. Intellectual impulses are direct and intense, based on our personal perceptions of security, attempting to take smart positions that will give us an edge so we can get more with less effort. Intellectual impulses always contain a compromise that promises great results but ends up delivering much less. This is because intellectual impulses have motives that are conflicted. One part is oriented to a higher possibility that takes planning and control to implement; the other side is erratic and self-promoting and interested only in personal benefit. Mixed expectations also create a lack of alignment that in turn sabotages the result.

Intuitive impulses are identified by a lack of safety, security, expectation, intensity, and excitement concerns. Intuitive impulses are where we are present with ourselves on all four levels of knowing, which allows us to see things in all directions. They include freedom of choice about participation, and sponsor inclusive, uplifting, beautiful and elegant solutions. Intuitive impulses focus on the greatest good, group efforts and integrating the contributions of others. They are slow to establish when building a constituency of support, but eventually obtain critical mass and end up breaking through into the mass consciousness, or, on a personal level, create a breakthrough to a new way of operating. Physical Discernment of these three levels permits us to establish effective priorities and to begin to use the compatibility system in a whole new way.

Breakthroughs In Awareness

When we honor intuitive factors by choosing to be who we are (and not what others want us to be), it provides the first breakthrough in our awareness. It establishes our personal space and empowers us to make choices that support our independent well-being. When we honor the intuitive factors of others, we cease to define ourselves in terms of them, providing the second breakthrough in our awareness. It establishes our interpersonal autonomy and empowers us to make choices regarding our associations with others that include their well-being. When we transcend the habitual use of the intuitive factors and begin to operate as the heart of a larger group by transmuting group dissonances into resonance, we create the third breakthrough in our awareness. We establish our group orientation toward service, and empower ourselves to make choices regarding how our life work can appropriately influence others.

Physical Discernment concerns how we learn to appropriately use this information. While Personality Detachment increases our Spacious Presence, and Intuitive Discrimination increases our problem solving capabilities (Pregnant Duration) by focusing and prioritizing our attention, Physical Discernment guides our Skillful Means by increasing our sensitivity, timing and rhythm. These three increase our confidence about our contribution by expanding our direct knowledge of when and why to initiate or conclude different creative endeavors. While Intuitive Discrimination reveals the creative potential of an individual or group of individuals, Physical Discernment reveals who to include in what order and how to bring about the best result. On a fundamental level, Physical Discernment is about knowing when we are empowered to make a conscious choice. Discerning individuals are confident and trust the process to reveal what’s next.

Sovereign Autonomy is required to master Physical Discernment. Our connection to our higher spiritual source or soul supports this ability to take the long-term “best for everyone” perspective. With our transpersonal or spiritual abilities in hand, we cannot be pressured or compromised to do anything that would effectively reduce our growth or another’s. We use Physical Discernment to see the hidden choices that others miss or disregard as impractical. We rely on our inner knowing, which is free of the biases of others operating from defenses, to validate our choices. Each and every choice we make using Physical Discernment reinforces our interpersonal Autonomy and allows us to take conscious responsibility for how we show up in life. As we accept the consequences of our mistakes and successes, we refine our skills and begin to imprint others around us with our creative nature and power. With greater successes others will try to imitate us, which we need to actively discourage, particularly when it’s about defensive or personality issues.

Physical Discernment also means that others must have complete choice and autonomy in their participation. Without conscious participation, the spirit and value of whatever project is accomplished is lost forever. Instead, it becomes a symbol of repression, isolation and coercion. We must remember the true purpose of Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment: to support another’s discovering who they are and integrating their contributions effectively into appropriate groups. Only individuals with the same compatibility factors benefit from imitation—every other situation leads to confusion.

Finally, Physical Discernment is a time-developed practice that begins with making the right personality choices in the Inner Success World View. When we move into Personality Integration by healing our self-centered need for activity, we begin to take responsibility for our participation and influence with others. This leads us to clarify our life work and invite others, when appropriate, to join us. Physical Discernment reaches its full manifestation as we commit ourselves to making particular contributions. This indicates we have moved into World Service World View. The goal from this point on is to use personal skills, talents and natural abilities to attract and manifest, through appropriate means, a piece of a larger evolutionary plan.

Skill 12: Co-Creativity (Operating in Conscious Alignment With Others)

Honoring both Autonomy and Intimacy creates the foundation for full, authentic and creative expression. As all true creativity is mirrored by outer and inner experience, it is not really possible to take personal credit for it. For example, when we create something with another person and it is a co-creative experience, what comes into existence is not our contribution or their contribution but a synergistic combination of our energy together in conjunction with the world that makes it so. Co-Creativity is about transforming our current experiences into more refined expressions of conscious interaction. It is learning how to bring out the best in each other and produce changes in the world that serve others. For this reason, it is difficult to be creative with oneself because we have to be able to mirror the process and be consciously present with it, which is difficult to do by one’s self. This is why creativity, in its highest co-creative expression, is usually transpersonal in nature, meaning that it goes beyond our own personal possibilities. The opposite of this transpersonal creativity is imitating others to do something different.

Co-Creation requires that we be transpersonal in our approach to being creative. This means that we cannot judge it on a personal level because it is not in service to our personal goal. This distinction allows us to hold the possibility that our relationship goals are different than our personal goals. Every relationship goal requires a co-creative effort. There are three positions or ways that we can sabotage our co-creative efforts with our partners: 1) when we imitate others, we get lost in the safety net of pre-established role-playing which automatically compromises any co-creative effort (the Distant position); 2) when we focus ourselves on our individual personal creativity, which maintains a sense of leverage over others and avoids any unconditional giving, then we undermine our co-creative efforts (the Dynamic position); 3) when we rely on others to power the co-creative effort by not being personally committed to the process, or by looking for hidden agendas from them (and avoiding conditional receiving), we demean our co-creative effort (the Disarming position).

The Co-Creativity lesson is learning how imitating others compromises who we are, producing, ultimately, self-hatred. The more we imitate others, the more we end up hating ourselves for being like them and the more it denies us the possibility of being ourselves. Imitating our heroes or heroines can be useful when we don’t know who we are but, because it lacks our unique creative contribution, it limits our passion and connection we have to it. Imitation ends up idealizing someone else’s pattern, requiring us to struggle with the challenge and intensity that reflects our conflict with it. This intensity reflects where we are trying to repress ourselves or repress others in an attempt to be something we are not. This mirrors our childhood where we learned to be what others wanted us to be and repressed our true creativity only to later find out that being what they wanted us to be wasn’t really appreciated.

Ironically, in a world that is now rapidly trying to standardize itself with franchises that imitate a pattern of success, we have increasing frustration, hopelessness, and depression among those people who are supposedly enjoying the benefits of this outer success. This is because imitation denies our true Creative Expression. Unfortunately, our schooling did not encourage us to explore our uniqueness but instead reinforced conformance to others by using standardized tests and rote tests of memory as a way of measuring apparent accomplishments. Creativity lets us see beyond conformance and allows us to explore an infinite range of possibilities.

The three steps to recognizing the levels of creativity are: imitation, interaction and self-generation. Imitation is an attachment to doing what others are doing, which totally undermines any Co-Creative presence we have. Interaction is where we are stimulated to do new things because of perceptions in the differences or uncomfortable similarities of others. Self-generation, where we recognize that we create our own experience, allows us to show up as a conscious partner in a co-creative project. The more we understand how compatibility tools and the relationship skills can support our engagement in life work, the more embodied we will be in our co-creative efforts. Co-Creativity in this way is the embodiment of all the other skills in total, which allows us to show up as a resourceful and capable partner.

Co-Creativity is a mutual expression skill, which reflects the fact that it takes conscious participation by both parties to manifest it fully. Whenever we fall into the belief that somehow we are doing more than our partner, it automatically establishes an imbalance that limits our joint creativity. What we need to consider is that many of the creative processes of our partner may be invisible to us because of our creative differences. The more we get entangled by comparing our contribution to their contribution, the less we are fully contributing. Mutual Learning is the foundation for Co-Creativity, which means that any lack in our ability to share our resources with others actually end up limiting our ability to be Co-Creative with each other. What we seek is a partner that will enthusiastically engage and participate consciously with us.