Intimacy

Lesson 9: Loving Who and What We Are

Introduction

Intimacy is the capacity to share ourselves without separating the good from the bad.It is about being whole and complete and not concerned about any of the observations or conclusions our partner comes to. Instead, we are able to trust that our interactions will remain private and supportive. Intimacy is also about sharing our challenges and concerns as we implement our Authentic Life Expression. In this way, Intimacy is the complement to Autonomy, as it expands and embodies the energetic realities of the truth it represents. This means we can feel our degree of intimacy by the capacity we have to create a Common Neutral Ground and to organize our shared experience independent of our personal experience. This enables us to distinguish between internal conflicts and those going on in the relationship.

Intimacy is about loving who and what we are. If we cannot love ourselves, then it is likely we cannot love others. While Intimacy is inclusive of sexuality, companionship and needing others, the main value of Intimacy is to create a sense of possibility for creativity with our partners. Intimacy is about going beyond our comfort zones to find new ways to support and engage others. It is about finding inner connections and mirroring where we enjoy either the similarities or differences that make each person a better contributor. With greater Intimacy we do not get caught up in petty issues. We are able to build an internal bank account with each other that allows us to operate fully in service to others.

We are distracted from Intimacy by the Motive of Idealized Co-Creation and the Attraction of Personal Intimacy. Idealized Co-Creation is the desire to have a creative partnership without actually doing the work. We can see examples of this when we avoid creative projects with our partners for fear that things are not as good as we think. The sentimentality of Personal Intimacy can distract us from actually having an energetic connection and experiencing Intimacy in the moment. This is further compounded when we keep expecting our partner to act in certain ways to prove their Intimacy rather than just checking in with our hearts. Both of these issues let the structures of Intimacy get in the way of the presence of Intimacy.

Idealized Co-Creation is where we fixate on how we believe others should participate and engage us in the way we want.In other words, we believe they should respond to us and fulfill our expectations about what is possible in a relationship. Idealized Co-Creation is about the desire for Playfulness, Paradox and mutual learning without the skills necessary to implement these possibilities. What we are typically unconscious about is that we have greater fear or frustrated Desires that keep us from really embracing the outcome in a congruent manner. The result is an enormous ability to sabotage our own efforts by not taking personal responsibility or focusing on what we need to contribute to make these things come true. As with all idealized Motives, there is a gap between where we are and where we want to be. This discontinuity shows up as Anxiety whenever our expectations are threatened. We discover that even when we envision a possibility with others, it does not mean

we can accomplish this goal together. Wherever we are repressing an aspect of ourselves, it shows up as a need for our Partner to fill in that gap to make us feel more safe and secure. When both individuals are doing this, it more than doubles the odds that some issue is going to emerge that unravels the whole process.

This prevents us from taking responsibility for our own Truth and level of engagement. It would require us to want deeper Connections and Intimacy with our Partners for us to change the situation. The more we are unwilling to share our repressed Fears and Desires in the attempt to prove how good we are, the more likely the outcome will be subverted. We need to learn to go deeper in ourselves, and share what is going on to have a chance at taking ownership for the complete solution. Ultimately, what we need to do is not have any attachments to an outcome, but rather holds a space for the process to move forward and evolve, as it needs to. Why this supports the process is that when we have a fixation on a goal, where we are not completely aligned with the outcome, our life becomes a series of fluctuations and repulsions to that which we think we need.

What occurs is wherever we are not in Alignment with ourselves, we Experience this incongruence as obstacles to what we want. Intimacy with ourselves, helps us to realize which Fears and Desires we are blocking and therefore in participating with another, they can help us to clear out these hindrances by being present with them, to us. Having a Partner that does not react to our own hindrances provides a space where true Intimacy can occur. By being present with us, it releases us from the Distortions, Attachments and Positions that limit our mutual outcomes. While this is not the only way to deal with these issues, it is the quickest. This is because everyone has a certain set of fractures or discontinuities in our Experience that need to be healed to complete our personality development. When these Distortions are addressed, we then don’t have to react when others attack us.

When we are able to share our vulnerability and not judge ourselves when things do not match our stated goals, we discover greater Intimacy with others and ourselves. It is important not to idealize Intimacy in this process, for doing so guarantees we would repel the possibility of it entering our life. True Intimacy requires honoring the Truth of where we are and what we want without fixating on an outcome. This awakens us to the nature of transpersonal Desires, where we assess Desires for their fitness in serving the common good. Ultimately, we learn how to be there and uplift others without demanding anything from them.

Loving Who We Are and What we Are empowers us to be more transpersonal in our interactions with others. No longer do we take on the Projections of others, or react to them when they are going through some difficulty. Instead, we have the capability to respond, as we want and where we want without guilt, shame, or blame entering into our assessments. In short, a Partner no longer can manipulate us. This also means that our Partner is not in any way co-dependent with us. Otherwise they would run away because our creative power would both intimidate them and greatly minimize any influence they have over us. This does not mean that when both individuals are Loving Who they Are and What They Are, they won’t be able to influence others, but rather their influence is purely based on Love, rather than the pursuit of Pleasure, Power, or even Passion. What is extremely helpful at this stage is a full understanding of what Love is, and how it serves our highest nature. The key thing to recognize is that it is this kind of Radiant Self Unifying Love that makes possible our Authentic Life Expressions.

Idealized Co-Creation

Idealized Co-Creation is a state of conditioning where we externalize the need for Co-Creation by requiring that others defer to our personal creative approach. Idealized Co-Creation occurs when we become fixated on how we want others to meet us in our Creativity. An attachment to their responsiveness, or lack thereof, provides the rationalization for how we treat them. This reflects a lack of patience when they react to us in ways that are different from our own. When we cannot accept another’s way of engaging us, it is easy to blame them for what is not occurring, which lets us off the hook for not producing results. Ironically, many inventions occur through apparent accident, which reflects a stage of our evolution where very few of us are able to consciously co-create with others.

Historically, many inventors have struggled with Idealized Co-Creation within themselves, which means that there were times when they were open to seeing the larger possibilities and times when they were not. The real value in co-creating with another person is that their Presence lets us take Attention off our own sense of separation, allows us to see our circumstances from multiple perspectives. Idealized Co-Creation reflects our Projection of how we want others to love us, so it is more revealing than Lust or Self-Serving Activity. The problem is that the more we idealize co-creating, the less we are actually co-creative. If we cannot assess when or where we meet in a co-creative way, it means that we are forever waiting for something outside of us to happen that makes a result possible.

The motive of Idealized Co-Creation operates from a Context of falsely believing we are exploring and honoring common goals and Beliefs. The challenge is that while Co-Creation is an internal Experience, it also needs to be mirrored in the Experience of others in order to be real as a co-creative effort. When we are attached to Co-Creating in particular ways, our lack of flexibility makes it easy to keep the Experience from occurring. When both parties are unhappy and end up blaming each other for what occurs, it greatly diminishes our ability to be Co-Creative. Common issues that come up are that we end up believing that our Partners cannot or will not do what is necessary, deny our input about how we can effectively and easily accomplish something, or believe that we should apply resources in a different way than us. In this way, instead of cooperating, our attempts at Co-Creation become competitive. To add insult to injury, we frequently find ourselves suggesting that our Partners do not know how to serve the process as much as we do.

The hidden belief of Idealized Co-Creation is that “I fear that my contribution will be lost in the contributions of others”. We fall into the trap of believing that there is no way to distinguish our contribution fro others’ and therefore have no way to personalize or justify the effort we have made. This reflects deep attachments to the idea that we exist based on what we can see we accomplish. In other words, if we cannot see an individual accomplishment, we are effectively doing nothing. Another way of viewing this is that our personal activity is necessary to connect us to what we do in order to validate that we are alive. We further distance ourselves from Co-Creative Activity by needing to direct and control our contribution so we can maximize its impact. If our contribution is made in a state of harmony, it is harder to honor the value and effort because we have nothing to struggle with to justify our manifestation. It is our attachment to our personality, which actually minimizes our ability to operate synergistically with others. Finally, many individuals are attached to the idea of Co-Creation without having any real understanding of what it takes to manifest it with others. As a result, they do not know how to be responsive and engage the process so that it will create synergy.

Now we will address how to heal our Idealized Co-Creation conditioning. Sometimes, it is easier to fantasize about how we could Co-Create, rather than to be actually Co-Creating with others. When we withhold our desire to explore how to make things work together, we create Resistance to what we are trying to accomplish. It is easier to believe our Partners are sabotaging us, rather than to confront the possibility that we are sabotaging ourselves. Learning how to simultaneously engage our self on creative and personality levels are necessary in order to fully participate in a Co-Creation process. As long as we are attached to how others see us, we keep ourselves from fully showing up. This means we need to let go of any belief about our self-image so we can allow things to emerge that are not part of our current plan. We also need to balance being receptive to our Partner with taking direct action, so we find a wholesome way to move together.

Let us release our ideas about how things need to be and discover in the moment what is the appropriate and most fulfilling solution to each situation. Let us learn how to show up awake, alert and energized, willing to take risks to discover new levels of creative possibilities. Let us release any attachment to a particular result and instead use the process to discover the best possible solution to the circumstances. When we can operate without the need to prove of value, we become open to exploring and discovering what will bring out the best in our self and others. Can we engage others creatively without being self preoccupied or scared of the unknown? Let us admit our vulnerability and be compassionate with our Partners so they can connect without fear to us. This requires that we learn about our Self and modify our behavior to adapt to the situation. When our Partner(s) and us have this capacity, the discovery process itself is a Joyful one that leads to a Self-fulfilling, Self-supporting mutual expression.

The key quality that permits us to effectively Co-Create with another is patience. With patience, we stop going through the outer motions, because we know that it is our Intent that manifests results, and not the appearance of Intent. With patience, Beauty emerges that ignites our passions and supports our full expression. With patience, our Co-Creators can first see us so that we can synch up through the communication process. This naturally leads to an enhanced inner Presence, which allows us to create a space to manifest our creation. Finally, we learn how to hold our Intent through time by paying Attention to what is needed and when it is needed. This allows the creative activity to produce results that supersede the existing input. We call this synergy.

The three belief structures of Romance, Motives, and Love particularly support Idealized Co-Creation when we externalize our Beliefs in a way that interferes with the free flow of energy and inspiration. See the diagram Related Idealized Co-CreationBeliefs. The more fixed we are on what we have or what we know as substitutes for creative participation, the more we fall into belief structures that do not serve our Growth and development. Instead, we require others to respond to our creative engagement invitations in a fix manner. This occurs in romantic ways when we idealize how perfect our Partner is in serving and supporting our Growth.

This sets us up to expand on our idea of how great they are so we do not see their weaknesses or honor our true need to contribute openly. It is easier to fantasize how things will be much better and, therefore, will require less from us when, in fact, we need to be responsible for our own progress and process. When we begin to be more Conscious about our Partnership potential, we are likely to be amazed by how much easier it is to deal with people who are more aligned with us. Sometimes this may lead us to believe the process will be much easier (which it can be), and so we become lethargic and think we can skate through it effortlessly. This is a mistake. Without our Conscious engagement, things will not evolve and progress. This is why the step up from Idealized Co-Creation is called Conscious Participation. 

The more we fixate on the resourcefulness of others as a primary way justify being in the relationship, the less we concentrate on what we ourselves bring to the relationship and how we can be supportive of the process. The more relationships we have, the greater versatility we develop in meeting others where they are. We call this quality of being present and responsive resourcefulness. When we are Unconscious, we tend to believe resourcefulness is an outer process where skills permit us to take action. The more Conscious we are, the more we discover that resourcefulness is really an inner process where we are able to connect to our Self on a creative level and then meet others in their own creative natures. Without this distinction, the Alignment we Experience will be limited to freeing us from our past Fears of being compromised, and yet will not let us fulfill the possibility of a deeper Connection. This is why, when we fall into the trap of trying to avoid past relationship patterns, we do not understand how important it is to engage others for who they are and not for who we fear they could be.

Spiritual Romance is about being present with Partners as they are. When we idealize people, we distance ourselves from them and, therefore, create a demand for them to live up to our expectations. This creates stressful relationships rather than Conscious ones. We can validate this to the degree that we are relaxed with our Partner. When we cannot relax, it is usually because we are not telling our complete truth about what we need or have idealized expectations that are not being fulfilled. When we are able to Consciously engage, we shift out of idealized Co-Creation and can spontaneously and serendipitously create ways that facilitate a energetic flow and as ease of Co-Creation. The Paradox is that, the more we make this a goal, the further we distance ourselves from it. We need to be present with our creative nature and share it with others rather than imposing it on them to be fully effective.

When we assume we share common goals and Beliefs with our Partner and this turns out to be inaccurate, it creates a repulsion within us that minimizes our motivation to connect. Usually, we believe the differences in perception we have between what we Thought the person was and what they truly are means the other person has to change. It really reflects that we have to recognize that we are idealizing them in a way that keeps them from fulfilling their own natural Growth. It is much more Conscious and effective to honor our true authentic Motives and process than to continually project our way of doing something on our Partner and then becoming upset when they do not respond as we want them to. We need to distinguish between our idealized view of them and who they naturally are and not use the differences to make them a scapegoat. Of course, it is much easier to make them wrong than it is to confront our own inaccurate Projections.

It is ironic that we get so fixated on outer results when we are usually not paying Attention to the inner results we want to create. Under the façade of Idealized Co-Creation is the fear and belief that our Creativity may not serve our Connection with the person before us. This really reflects our inability to love ourselves completely when shows up as an inability to love others as they are. In other words, whenever we see something we hate in others, it reflects something we have not yet loved in ourselves.  If we notice, we can use the repulsions we find in others as a way to identify where our Fears and “Withholds” are so we can heal ourselves. In this way engaging “our withholds” is a great way to reveal our creative denial. Wherever we see a lack of Creativity in others and feel helpless to do anything about it, it actually reflects a disconnection within our Self such that we have inappropriate, false Beliefs about how we operate. We can see this by asking the question, “Why are we reactive to another’s lack of expression, unless we feel limited in expressing this issue within ourselves?”

This type of mirroring reaches the “zenith of its expression” with others are unable to reciprocate our outward to being creative with them. Some people cannot respond to the circumstances or the situation. Instead, they will react to their own lack of internal Balance and look for justifications as to why they cannot accomplish this co-creative act at this time. This is the most common Experience in today’s world where we lack Self-Love and an understanding of our own creative nature. Our Presence can be a great catalyst for them to understand that they do have the creative power to engage us or it can be a great reminder of what they are unwilling or unable to engage. Conscious people work on manifesting their Creative Being with each other, hopefully within a Common

Neutral Ground structure. This way each individual’s Autonomy is preserved in a way that maximizes the Independence of the third neutral space. The “third space” is the result of two autonomous individuals, honoring their own space, and expanding beyond this space to meet each other in a common ground. Autonomous Co-Creation can only occur when we honor this third mutual space.

It is difficult for many people to distinguish between the idealization of this space and the true Experience of it. It requires us to be able to distinguish a Personal Space, which we manifest and control, to a Transpersonal Space where we have no ultimate control. When this distinction is unclear, it is easy to believe that taking care of our Partner is being of service to them. What reveals our caretaking is the motive behind it, which is usually Self-Serving Activity. True Service has no personal attachment or need associated with it. When we operate in true service, we are being transpersonal and defining ourselves in terms of larger goals that uplift our personal mission. In short, we are working in an environment that is larger than we are. We are seeking solutions that reflect our ability to take care of our own needs separately. In this way, true service is a Growth process that lets us unify the powers of Transmutation, Transformation, and Transfiguration in a Co-Creative manner. This process is self-revealing, self-reorienting, and ultimately self-reorganizing as we manifest ways to be aligned with Universal Intent and Expression.

From this perspective, we are grateful when others do not respond to us and run away from the creative opportunities we offer them. They are unambiguously choosing not to be involved in things we are engaging. It is better to know this and accept it than to continually try to engage them and hope their response changes. Unfortunately, when we are in Idealized Co-Creation, we do not want to accept their inability to engage us the way we want them to. We keep hoping that somehow they will connect with the process in a way that shifts their inability to connect. Since it is not our job to define their lessons or determine their interests, this way of interacting becomes a form of caretaking. Of course, we can get caught up in it by believing that somehow it our job to support others in ways they unwilling to support themselves. We can see that this is inappropriate when we realize that our motive is in some way self-serving because we have idealized the other person.

The Paradox of Idealized Co-Creation is that, when we go Unconscious, our Beliefs in what we want actually keep us from creating what we want. This happens because we get caught up in our personality point of view, which emphasizes what we do and how we are acting in or directing the process. A transpersonal point of view lets us see other perspectives than our own and allows to operate independently of our personal needs. In short, we are not compromising the choices we make based on our personal needs. This way the choices are aligned with Universal Intent for this particular situation. For this to occur, we need to identify with our Connection to the Universe and be present in our ability to Trust and unify our Self with others. While it is simplistic to say that our love of our Self lets us create our own Safety and Security, it is actually our love of our Self that allows us to Trust and be in Unity with ourselves and empowers our ability to be Co-Creative with others. It is our ability to Trust ourselves that comes from our desire to see that the Universe Trusts us to be an expression of its fulfillment. This allows us to manifest a Trust in ourselves and create our Safety in any circumstance. It is our ability to be in Unity with the Universal Intent that allows us to build a sense of Unity within ourselves. This allows us to create our Security in whatever we do.

As we have seen in the lower levels of Motives, the unifying middle motive, which is a combination of the Masculine and Feminine approaches, can only express itself to the degree that both sides equally engaged. In other words, we can only do Idealized Co-Creation to the degree that we are engaging both Idealized Trust and Idealized Unity. In Idealized Trust, we confront the reality that who we are physically and the possessions we have do not represent our True Nature. In Idealized Unity, we confront the reality that our idea of ourselves may be interfering with our ability to be with others. In Idealized Co-Creation, any vestiges of how our possessions make us who we are or how our ideas make us valuable create a much larger framework of self-delusion. It is Paradoxical that on certain levels, we feel assured and secure that what we have done or how we have developed ourselves is who we are, while simultaneously encountering the reality that we are not our possessions or ideas.

When we come to grips with what Idealized Co-Creation really is, we ultimately see that who we are is a reflection of our natural contribution and Creativity, not how we want to envision our contribution.The hidden denied belief is the default assumption that we operate from when we are not present with our Self or others. Under stress, we doubt our contribution and further we doubt the ability of others to meet us where we are. This reflects that we are operating in an idealized manner and are not seeing Partners around us as they really are. When we lose our creative Connection to ourselves, the default personality framework asserts itself and we go on “automatic pilot” to try to maximize what we are receiving in the world. This reflects the personality’s view of scarcity and that our natural Creativity cannot and will not be honored by others. In essence, we believe we must constantly protect ourselves and so therefore we project a false persona that gets in the way of interacting with people creatively. The irony is that, when things do not work out, we do not reexamine what is not working within us, we examine what is not working with others around us. By constantly trying to “whitewash” the situation and put our best foot forward, we never establish a co-creative flow or have Communion Experiences where the result is larger than any individual’s contribution.

Paradoxically, Idealized Co-Creation commonly shows up as a problem-solving capability that never really solves problems. In others words, our fixation on solving the problems actually reinforces the unexpressed and unfulfilled personality Fears and Desires to the point where we see consistently diminishing results. This reflects how our personality identity, also know as our Survival and success mechanism, has reached the limit of its capacity to deal with the circumstances. We need to break out of this self-serving Cycle to find creative and more transpersonal ways to engage others. The key to this reorientation process is to engage the Beauty of each situation as it is. This does not mean we idealize the Beauty, but that we are able to energetically present with it as it is and see its perfection. Only when we can let go of the need for results, will results naturally show up.

Beauty helps us come into Communion with each other because it is a common awe-inspiring event is both people participate in the process and simultaneously Experience Beauty together. This is because Beauty cannot be perceived by the personality in anything more than a tactical or strategic response to the situation. Beauty takes us out of our mind and into the Presence of our heart in a way that lets others be enthusiastic about it as well. The three obstacles to seeing Beauty in this expanded way are the personality’s need to make Beauty serve it, our inability to directly perceive Beauty without the need to envision ourselves as part of the process, and our lack of ability to see the perfection of what is, which allows us to Unify with the Beauty.

The first obstacle to being with Beauty, is making Beauty serve the personality Survival and success mechanism, resulting in everything being interpreted in a materialistic manner. This reflects how we have not honored our Creativity and have been trapped in a denied grief about this lose. In a way we now use materialism to justify how we do not want to be fooled by outer circumstances. The Paradox is that we over-identify with outer circumstances to keep ourselves from being disappointed by our inability to go beyond materialistic ideals. This struggle reflects our lack Trust in our Self or the Universe. We need to release the grief that has come about from denying our Creative Self. Occasionally this denial has grown into a self-hatred because of the way we have denied ourselves to please others. The compromise is that role-playing distances us from our own creative nature. Until we accept our own creative nature, it will be hard to accept it in others around us and let them choose how to be involved with us. Co-Creation, therefore, requires the full expression of free will in order to paradoxically fill its transpersonal Intent. In simpler terms, we need to be associated with the common good and see the greater benefit of serving the common good rather than in serving our separative needs.

The second obstacle to being with Beauty, that of over-idealized Unity where we learn how to transcend our identification with any object as an ideal symbol and be present with it energetically, is also known as Straight Knowing. Straight Knowing is being in direct Communion with something without Thought. In any awe-inspiring Experience of Beauty, we are transported into a difference framework where our being present with it is sufficient so that our Experience of it is guided by something outside of us and not colored by our perception of it. The lack of distinctions in this Experience truly lets us Experience our wholeness, which is the hallmark of this type of knowing. Every time we place ourselves in a framework where we are appreciating Beauty, it changes what we perceive. This is polarized, dualistic Thinking. In effect, we are struggling to interpret what we are seeing and trying to mediate the differences between what we are seeing and experiencing. What we would like to be able to do is to directly perceive something without having to idealize it or symbolically define it in a particular way. Beauty supports us in being present with things without our being defined be our perception of it.

The third obstacle to being with Beauty, that of denying the perfection of what is, which prevents us from unifying with it, arises from our personality’s need to be able to judge and discriminate between right and wrong. If we can see the perfection of what exists, it relieves us of any need to operate in a dualistic, judgmental fashion where we have to understand it in a particular way to be right. If there were no need to be right and no need to judge it, it would be as the Taoist philosophers have said, “what it is.” Since communication is primarily concerned with objects, subjects, and causality, it has no transcendental Acceptance of what is just as it is. Even the objectification of qualities or the creating of a description upsets the natural order or perfection of what actually is. This usually happens because, in our need to manage our lives, we operate in an overly reductionist manner.

Reductionism is the need to apply what we think we know to what we see, not realizing that it is not necessary “to outwardly know” what we know in every situation. Reductionism arises from the personalities need to interpret its Experience in a way that provides the appearance of power in our life. This creative reductionism creates a disconnection from any particular thing we are observing. It distances us from all Experiences. With Straight Knowing we may not be able to describe the Experience, but we are graced with a much larger unifying Experience. When we are in Unity and with ourselves, we are able to be in Unity with everything around us and, therefore, can appreciate the thing as it is.

By piercing the veil of these obstacles by acting in more direct ways, we actually Experience a Cooperation with the Universe and, therefore, become by extension an agent of its expression. In this way, we co-create with every aspect of the Universe, not just with people. Our Presence awakens the Consciousness of things around us and allows them to more effectively coordinate the manifestation of creative possibilities around us. As a result, we Experience greater serendipity and resonance in the people and circumstances we attract into our lives. Our ability to engage what shows up becomes a discipline that allows us to see the Beauty in what occurs so we are able to bloom in unexpected ways. In this way, the Beauty within us emerges to match the Beauty we see around us. Beauty, inwardly and outwardly, is the essence of true Co-Creation and leads us into the Experience of Conscious Participation with all that exists.

Navaho Blessed Beauty Way Prayer
Great Spirit, may we walk in Beauty.
May Beauty be above us so that we dream of Beauty.
May Beauty be in front of us so that we are led by Beauty.
May Beauty be to the left of us so that we may receive Beauty.
May Beauty be to the right of us so that we may give out Beauty.
May Beauty be behind us so that those who come after us may see Beauty.
May Beauty be inside us so that we might become Beauty.
Great Spirit, may we walk in Beauty.

As taught to Harley SwiftDeer Regan by Grandfather Tom Two Bears Wilson,
President of Navaho Native American Church as across from the front cover flap of
Women of the Light, The New Sacred Prostitute, Edited by Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D.
1994, Secret Garden.

Personal Intimacy

Personal Intimacy is where we are attracted to individuals who fulfill our expectations and Desires for Connection.Personal Intimacy reflects the capacity to be mirrored in our capacity to love another. It is our Commitment to love, which empowers our Experience to receive love. The more we Love others and they are inspired to be more of who they are in response to this Experience, the greater personal Intimacy we Experience. This is because we want to be the hero or heroine that brings out the best in a Partner. At the creative level, Personal Intimacy is the ability to connect in a mutual authentic manner without referencing preset expectations or Beliefs about how we should be with each other. What we actually seek is to be in the Experience of a creative flow. What we really want is our Partner’s ability to respond to us on the fly and manifest our Connection in a Co-Measured manner. Co-Measurement is the capacity to reflect and respond, not based on Fears or Desires, but on a Commitment to be present for our Partner. By honoring our own Experience, we are able to consciously connect with the Experience of our Partner, so they know we share in increasingly deeper ways. Personal Intimacy is where a Partner sees our faults but recognized in the scheme of things it is a small thing in reference to the greatness they see in you.

On a lower personality level, Personal Intimacy is the capacity to act and respond to others in ways that match their Beliefs about being loved and nurtured. Personalized love is where we feel comforted and supported by their Safety and Security framework. In other words, we are attracted to what they believe they want to create in their life. Usually, we end up being attached to the ways they make a living, because it serves to support our general notions of who we are. For example, a person with a certain type of job that has status indirectly reflects on us and helps us to build our own self Esteem and Respect. Idealization of Personal Intimacy destroys the Experience of sharing and growing together. To the degree we idealize our Partner, is the degree we distance ourselves from actually being with them. While not everyone is Conscious of Personal Intimacy, we are most Unconsciously influenced by the degree our Partner reassures us that who we are is who they want. Personal Intimacy becomes one of the unifying views that reflect how we view our Respective caretaking of each other.

Intimacy

The Skill ofIntimacy provides us with a sense of confidence that we can deal with anything and find the best way of framing the situation to produce a great result.In other words, us being able to admit an Excitement, Intensity or Anxiety to our Partner, allows them to understand why we don’t engage or complete certain issues in an optimal manner so they give us room to practice and develop a better response. It is also possible to request of our Partners a “time out” on any particular issue or topic for them to be able to openly explore options and new ways of dealing with the issue, without fear of judgment by our Partner. It is important to recognize that Intimacy is the skill of reframing problems into solutions so that greater Connection and/or support is always present. Commitment is the foundation that helps us acknowledge our joint- Connection, allowing us to work with each other in a sacred space where all are honored. We Radiate Serenity when we are present with each other in an intimate way. When a mutual creative Intent is declared, Intimacy with another becomes possible. When Intent is declared, Intimacy with another becomes possible. When we avoid stating our Intent, it automatically creates fear and concern in the other person. Mostly we fear being rejected by a person we want. We need to re-interpret rejection as a sign that the Universe is in the process of giving us a better choice.

Unfortunately, we typically have an Unconscious belief that others are not with us, for they are usually against us. The more we take a stand for Intimacy, the more we see ourselves working together as a team to create our own Safety and Security. It is now time to make a Commitment to be present, whole, and available to others as a way that expands our own mutual self-expression. Let us engage the possibility that each of us is a resource who mirrors our truth and enhances our understanding of what needs to be done. May we be that foundation for others and may we find Partners who will be that foundation for us.

Essential Questions:

How Do Commitments Mirror Our Intimacy and Consciousness?
How and Where Do We Typically Create Intimacy?
What Is The Cost of Not Being Intimate?
How Can We Be Intimate With Others?

When we embody Paradox and Intuitive Discrimination, we create greater capacity to be Intimate with others.Intimacy is the ability to be present in our Truth with others so that we can learn and grow from each other. Intimacy expands through Mutual Respect for the truth of each other. However, we can get caught in positions of either Over-Personal Intimacy or Non-Personal Intimacy as a way to keep from being fully present with what is going on. When we express Over-Personal Intimacy, we use sentimentality to distract us from the larger, more inclusive truth that is being embraced. Consequently, we get caught up in our own drama and are not present with our Partners. When we express Non-Personal Intimacy, we try to distance ourselves from sentimentality by pretending to be indifferent to the issues of others in the moment. Thus, we get caught up in our own self-centered needs and do not engage our Partner. When we do not want to be manipulated by either one of these perspectives, we end up denying all Intimacy and distancing ourselves on both physical and Emotional levels with our Partner.

Intimacy requires embracing both rejection and aloneness. In rejection we discover the value of an aligned Partner. Transpersonal Desires become more clear and obvious. It is not our Self that is being rejected, but their perception of our lack of Connection to our source or their lack of Connection with their creative source. It is our attachment to Personality Desires that makes it painful to Experience rejection. Our Transpersonal Desire to connect promotes the mutual Experience of Life, Light and Love that support us in unifying with another to support the Universe in a larger way. Rejection and Aloneness can actually make us more sensitive to our own plight in our desire to connect to others. It is ironic that the Experience of rejection can lead us to more deeply appreciate who we are and how we want to contribute to another. When others reject us, it is valuable to see the underlying lessons so it becomes a positive reference Experience.

In the Silence of aloneness, we realize that everything we need is within us. Without the ability to be alone, we have no ability to fully connect. This allows us to release our Fears of loneliness or outer attachments to others completing us. Our aloneness can then be seen as a gift to help us integrate all the possible lessons in our life so we will know whom best to connect with. Without this self-understanding, we have little capacity and patience with others in our life. It takes courage to embrace the emptiness that comes with acknowledging our aloneness. We recommend using this time to love the space of whom we are within. The challenge is to engage our Self as if there were nothing else going on and complete the experience within us. The question to ask ourselves is “What do we need to bring everything within, balancingour Self here, right now?”

Many of us have past Experiences where we were intimate with someone who rejected us. The problem comes up when we try to protect ourselves in future relationships by not giving others the opportunity to hurt us. This has the effect of not giving the relationship the ability to grow beyond our personal Fears and Desires. As a result, we become trapped in a defensive framework that prevents us from transforming our concerns into constructive risk-taking. Without Trust, a relationship cannot blossom. We lose by withholding our Self because others then are unable to respond and learn about who we truly are. Instead our own Fears trap us into defensive behavior where others respond and react to us in ways that reflect their Fears. In this way, the relationship becomes more about maintaining our distance than about learning how to grow together. Intimacy is, therefore, shortchanged in this type of relationship.

Personality Certainty and Judgment are the primary indications that we are scared of Intimacy. When we are able to be present and intimate, it is because we are open to examining possibilities in the world. Any pre-existing belief or judgment that we honor keeps us from experiencing our openness to possibilities. Usually this is a reflection of our own Fears and insecurities based on ways we were compromised in the past. It is natural for us to want to protect ourselves, but when we do so by cutting ourselves off from our present Experience, we usually just make matters worse. The key quality we want to embody is the ability to be inclusive of things going on around us. This does not mean we have to believe in them or actively support them but not separate ourselves in a way that denies or diminishes them. With inclusive Serenity we are able to maintain our Balance while investigating or exploring new options. This greatly accelerates our ability to grow with others.

Intimacy is the ability to receive and reflect back the Experience of another while simultaneously honoring our common humanity. This empowers the creation and Transformation of meaning in a way that unifies us. Intimacy is the process of deepening our Self Presence by being with others. Self-Acceptance creates and supports our Acceptance of others. As we learn how to admit and forgive our own weaknesses, our capacity of Intimacy increases. Conscious vulnerability actually indicates the degree of awareness we possess about our common humanity. Paradox and Intuitive Discrimination are the two skills that actualize our ability to be Intimate. Intimacy is the unification of Masculine and Feminine Context, allowing us to transcend much of our Gender Identity Experience. We become real people who can Experience life fully when we are Intimate.

Genuine Intimacy requires us to commit to not using flattery, exaggeration, or being nice to the point of losing our own creative expression in the process. We need to ensure we do not compromise our Creative Self, for it would likely lead to our Partner’s faking or compromising their behavior to please us. Intimacy is letting others know us as we are without trying to control them. To be authentic, we need to respond naturally. The more we are concerned that our behavior will not be understood or appreciated, the more pressure we Experience to be what others want us to be. The underlying issue is that when we are in love with our self-image, we are less willing to be intimate, because to do so would threaten our self-perceptions. Authentic Creative Love is needed to heal our narcissism and selfishness, even if we are unwilling to confront these issues directly.

It is scary to be open, available, and vulnerable. We need to be tolerant of our own discomfort in the development or Intimacy because the challenge is to create a Balance between closeness and distance. This means our discomfort reflects the degree to which we are out of Balance, not only with our Self (and our own closeness and distancing with ourselves), but with our Partner, too, as a reflection of this inner Experience. We need to be able to choose in the moment the appropriate way to be with others that also honors our inner Intimacy. When we are out of Balance with our Self, we get too close to ourselves (bringing up resentment and a need for space) or too Distant from ourselves (bringing up loneliness and a desire for time spent with others). The idea is to be able to be alone or together by choice, which means letting go of trying to engineer the Feelings or behaviors of our Partners.

Letting go of our attachments to our self-image is very useful in developing Intimacy. Whenever we objectify, exploit, or use a friend or business associate or seduce a romantic Partner, we maintain an imbalanced, persecutor/persecuted situation. This process separates us both internally and externally, prohibiting any true Intimacy. The irony is that we tend to make our self seem important by identifying with how much we contribute to others through our Fears, Desires, Pretenses, and Defenses, which are fragmentary ways of being with others at best. The more we believe our Partner is responsible for our well being, the more out of Balance and the less Intimate we can be. This is because we are denying our own power to transcend previous limitations to our ability to be with others.

Without these internal compromises about how we are connecting with others, our integrity and honesty increases our ability to learn and grow from our Partners. We naturally develop a deep and abiding faith in the goodness of humanity that we naturally bring out in all our relationships. Intimacy, in this way, is a “flowering” Experience that encourages us to explore new domains. Intimacy only requires that we constantly regenerate our internal uniqueness through growing with our Partners. Instead of fixating on our behavior, agreements, or roles, let us see our relationships flowing and evolving day-to-day. This is not about becoming overly adaptable, but constantly picking out those Experiences that deepen our Self. Learning to reduce the Experiences that did not bring us Growth is also a part of the Intimacy building process. In this way Transmutation, Transformation, and Transfiguration naturally occurs in all our relationships.

Intimacy supports us in recreating the Experience of others so we can “walk a mile in their shoes.” It awakens us to how similar we are to everyone and how we all have common problems. Intimacy teaches us how everything returns to us if it is truly ours, so we can share who we are and what we have without concern. Transformational Intimacy reflects a deeper Connection to our Creative Self where we no longer need to act out our Fears and frustrated Desires. The embodiment of Intimacy skills is demonstrated in our ability to meet others where they are so they are able to be themselves. With Intimacy skills we can create a sense of Trust and the space of Radiating Serenity where others are comfortable in sharing their deepest secrets.

Radiating Serenity is the virtue that comes when we are fully intimate. Serenity is the Experience of Emotional calmness. Serenity enables us to see the reflection of others in ourselves because we have no inner Emotional turbulence. The more we are grounded and fully expressing our Feelings and Emotions Consciously, the easier it is to radiate Serenity in our environment. We naturally have a calming effect on others, reducing their Anxiety because they feel seen and gotten by us. Our capacity to adapt to different Emotional situations is greatly magnified by Radiating Serenity. Our ability to hold Emotional space for others originates from the reality that they know we will not judge them. Instead, it is our capacity to accept them fully as they are that draws them to us. We can only accomplish this when we are not judging our Self. For some of us this means not judging others so we will not be compelled to let in the Judgments of others.

When we embody Intimacy skills, we open the door to accepting larger creative possibilities of being with people. We realize that certain people bring out creative expressions in us that we were not previously aware of, and thus we become more sensitive to the choices we are making with friends, business associates, and romantic Partnerships. As a result, we are no longer willing to be with individuals who are Unconscious and unable to contribute in a direct way. This creates space to attract people to us who are more committed to their authentic creative expression, making real co-creative contributions toward a larger possibility. To do this, we need to be able to go beyond being present with each other and learn how to grow together in a way that will be effective. We also need to be able to validate our Experience and share our intuitive truth with each other in a way that can be accepted. This enables us to develop a greater rapport and, particularly, to develop a sense of timing so we keep improving our ability to synchronize with each other.

How Do Commitments Mirror My Intimacy and Consciousness?

Believing that we need direction, agreements and focus leads to a false sense of Security that reflects the Masculine perspective that initial Commitments are sacrosanct. Believing that we need spirit, opportunities of exploration, and the capacity to find out what is important leads to Resistance about up-front Commitments, reflecting the Feminine perspective that Commitments come out of process. The more intense our Commitments become, the more likely we are focusing on superficial differences and misalignment of Motives. Checking motive Alignment around a topic or issue is a better test for the inability to be intimate.

How and Where Do I Typically Create Intimacy?

The How Section

Consider the possibility that we are an agent of the Universe and that our Intuition connects us to the Universal Plan. Imagine that we can, by listening to our heart, be informed of the magic and Mystery of the Universe without even asking. The one requirement for maintaining this creative Connection is that we honor the sacredness of what is shared with us by not discussing it with others that may discount it. Let this voice guide us in making our creative space sacred by honoring the creative space of others in the same manner. Intimacy, in its highest expression, both honors others for who they are and being open to learning more about them. Feel the power of that voice resonating through us, connecting your body and spirit into one unified expression. When we are ready, and only when we are ready, let that voice guide us to create a sacred inner space in our Common Neutral Ground.

Imagine this inner sanctum as a space to share our creative inspirations without fear of judgment. Let this voice instruct us how to attract only those who have a Commitment and understanding of how to honor this sacred space. Validate this Experience of inner knowing by imagining how it would operate with one of your best friends. Notice that they can only come as close as their acknowledgements and degree of honoring permit. Recognize that the degree of fear lets us know how close to bring them. The key is to let our heart tell us what is appropriate, and what healing is possible when being seen and accepted for who we are. Notice that the inner voice is a Balanced, considered approach that frees us from preconceptions or preconditions.

We create Intimacy by honoring Interdependent Lessons that are those lessons where we can grow together. Interdependent Lessons are lessons that we personally feel committed to and passionate about solving. With Interdependent Lessons, each individual has their own perspective, skills and Experience that can be shared to create a total solution. What now interfere with Interdependent Lessons is our Pretenses and Defenses. Both Defenses and Pretenses distract energy way from working together. As a result, we keep taking personal positions bout how we are doing in the process, rather than staying on a co-collaborative mutual Experience of what is going on. This is because we don’t seem to realize that, only through transcending our defenses, do we embrace the possibility of solving these Interdependent Lessons.

Whenever we are fearful, we relapse into talking about the issue on a personal level. Sometimes we even make the other person wrong for what they are not doing to distract us from our own guilt. The challenge is to recognize when to stay engaged and goes through our Fears together in the common ground. Doing so will allow us to break through and release any Fears that are in our way. My suggestion is to lean into loving ourselves more so we can naturally love our Partners completely and fully as they are.

The Where Section (Positions That We Take Where We Deny Intimacy)

Denied Intimacy: I do not feel safe and secure with others and prefer to separate myself from all inter-personal interactions. I use physical distance to maintain my isolation and protect myself from re-stimulation of past wounds. I do not acknowledge the need to connect with others nor do I recognize the value of interaction in supporting my Growth. The doubt about connect successfully produces Inertia, “stuck-ness,” lack of faith and despair. The more we believe in our Fears, the more Emotional distance becomes the key indicator of how close we feel with others. Sometimes this means that we just have to leave, because we feel compromised just being around somebody who we perceive is not there for us. We can also arrive in a position of Denied Intimacy by being hurt from others because they stimulated some past event and were not sensitive to what was going on with us.

Non-Personal Intimacy: I feel secure expressing my Connection with others in terms of conversations and activities that keep us from exploring any issue in depth. I use indifference to keep others from Feeling close, and let them know up front that they are not really needed. Independence creates a false Illusion that we can minimize our Connections with others and still thrive. Loneliness is the result of carrying this ideal to extremes. What we want is a confidant and companion that will agree with our perspective of reality. We don’t want to get too involved or too deep for fear issues within us will come up and show how much we have denied loving ourselves. Therefore, we keep conversations superficial and act like everything is okay, when in fact, underneath we could be bored to death.

Over-Personal Intimacy: I feel safe expanding my Connections with others, recognizing that if times get bad I can count on at least a few of them to help me. By listening to them and reflecting their truth, they feel better and want to keep me around. Sentimentality is used to anchor that they care for you, producing Feelings of guilt and blame if you do not take care of them. Doing things for others becomes a currency of exchange for taking care of you Emotionally. Their attachments to being included evolve into reasons that “you need them.” This confidence about their contribution comes from their spiritual or creative Connection, while typically they sabotage its creative manifestation or implementation. Over-Personal Intimacy tried to get others to talk about their Fears and Desires so we won’t feel so needy ourselves. It is a consolation to feel that we are not the most needy person around. Unfortunately, we get lost in their stories and end up giving them recommendations to fix their situation that we feel hurt when they do not follow. We tend to get overwhelmed when people have more needs than we anticipated. All we are really seeking is for them to need us more than we need them, so that we feel more powerful than they do. In this way, we compensate for how vulnerable we feel externally.

Transformational Intimacy: I now create my own Safety and Security by recognizing the Balance between my Spiritual or Creative Connection and my ability to implement my vision. I can be with others in a way that will empower me to improve my processes, clarify my Commitments and enhance my Creativity. Intimacy uses the power of feedback to improve a process or activity by practicing Mutual Learning. Mutual Respect is the key indicator that initially supports the process of Mutual Learning. Being met and accepted for exactly who you are provides the opening to bring together creative energies. While Playfulness and Paradox can contribute to open the process up, it requires that we see the wholeness and perfection of where we are and align ourselves before we modify the direction and Intent. The more we feel honored in our potential with our Partner, the more Transformational Intimacy they are doing with us. Overall, we feel more powerful if we can express our Fears, Desires and needs openly and without concern of the reactions of others. It is our sense of Unity, which allows us to accomplish this.

What is the Cost of Not Being Intimate?

Isolation, Loneliness, and Separation reduces Connections that support our humanity, increase our flexibility, and provide opportunities for Growth. Without Connection, we dry up, become rigid, and seek Intensity as a substitute. We also become less available, both on physical and Emotional levels, to others by believing that they are more of a problem than an opportunity. Excitement is also a substitute for Aliveness when we don’t have a natural Connection to others.

Growth, Mutual Learning and Support are minimal without the feedback necessary to improve our situation. Playfulness, Engagement and Paradox are lost without Intimacy, preventing the quality of being that supports Alignment. The challenge is that, without Intimacy, there is no Unity to support Mutual Learning and we don’t believe that the other person will return the interest and Attention we give them. Instead, we become more concerned that we are doing more for them than they are doing for us. This leads to various forms of conditional love. Difficulty in Healing and Letting go of Defenses increases polarization, role-playing, Pretenses and defenses due to not being able to be who you really are. Without Communion, Acceptance, Engagement and Playfulness we are doomed to repeat our programming and never discover who we could be. Defenses are basically the excuse we use not to engage others in an open way.

How Can I Be Intimate With Others?

Transformational Intimacy recognizes that love changes us profoundly. “Being gotten,” as you are enables the creative process that refreshes our own supply of radiant, self-unifying love. Taking a stand for seeing the perfection of our Partner as they are demonstrates a capacity to be intimate. Knowing we are safe and secure being who we are and that our Partner is committed to the same process is required to integrate and align our creative energies. Maintaining our sacred process means honoring it and making sure it is not violated. Learning together and building mutual Respect about the potential of the relationship expands the foundation by which Intimacy grows.

The Main Problem With Embracing Intimacy

The primary obstacle with being intimate is the fear of rejection. Most of us have had the Experience that there were things about us that weren’t acceptable to others. Most of us have experienced the pain of being left and made wrong when others did not like whom we were. It is also ironic that many of the things we fall in love with about our Partner do not reflect who our Partner is on a creative level, but rather how they operate in their Pretenses and Defenses. This reflects the fact that most rejection that occurs is not about being accepted for who we are, but rather how we are not being in a way that agrees or honors their belief about who we should be. What is powerful is to recognize that only people who don’t know who they are will need you to compromise yourself to please them. Any rejection you receive from these people, count you blessings that you found out now.

From this, you might imagine that rejection can be a badge of honor as you develop yourself as a Creative Being. Usually, it is a little bit more complicated than this. While it is true that being rejected by people who do not know who they are is a step forward in the process, it is important to recognize what is going on in us that attracts that person to us. It is easy to get lost up in our image and position about who we are by denying who we fear we are, which makes us compliments to people. This reflects the truth that many of us look for Partners who have some problem areas so we will not feel bad about having our own problem areas. When we are Intimate with our Self, we naturally resist the Intimacy demands of others as not being appropriate. We wish to honor our natural way to love our Partner as we wish. When we are not being Intimate and loving our Self fully, the Intimacy demands of others prompt us to make counter Intimacy demands on them to create more distance and space.

Most of us seek individuals where we know their weaknesses as a way to be able to retaliate with them if they attack us in areas we feel are unfair. Our goal is to get clear about this so we can release our attachment to having these ways of leveraging our Partner, so we can attract Partners who are more uplifted, capable and able to grow with us. Overall, we will seek to use our ability to be intimate as a paintbrush that can enhance and clarify the colors in our environment. We can now accept our life lessons, dealing with Intimacy and Commitment as a reflection of our desire to grow. As Wisdom arises from intimate relationships, acknowledging the lessons of those relationships allows us to feel at ease and at home with others. May we find the Wisdom we seek in our intimate Connection(s).