Intellectual Skills

Individuation Skills

Exploring who we are means letting go of attachments and role-playing and taking risks to be ourselves. Autonomy is the result of Playfulness and Personality Detachment. Playfulness allows us to express ourselves without any preconceptions of how we have to be. This allows us to separate ourselves from how others see us and allows us each to develop a personal responsibility for our actions. Personality Detachment allows us to know that we are not just a “machine” trying to survive and succeed. Instead, we can see that there is a core creative essence that is separate from our outer safety and security issues, which can act in ways that transcend those fears and desires. Individuation skills teach us that we can take care of ourselves in any situation. By releasing ourselves from the attachments to our beliefs, we can see that we really do exist within an on-going evolutionary process.

Learning how to be separate is an important process that we need to accomplish before we can take responsibility for our interactions with others. While our defensiveness is the initial way we try to be separate, it is actually about creating false beliefs about ourselves and inflicting these beliefs on others in order to keep them away. True individuation is the process of building appropriate boundaries that are flexible and effective. They come from us being able to express our truth in a way that is harmless. The individuation stage is where we take ownership of our creative power and begin to see how everything we do in life has a positive and/or negative effect on the whole. By learning how to be conscious of the consequences, we become more sensitive to ways in which our independence can be more effective than our dependence on others.

This requires that we become clearer about how we are dependent, so we can become more interdependent in appropriate and conscious ways. It also means taking responsibility for our reactions so that we no longer dump them on other people. Instead, we learn how to use Playfulness and Personality Detachment to see that these reactions don’t need to interfere with the process that we are engaging in the moment. Until we are able to choose not to engage something in a negative/reactive way, we have no real power in our own life. The individuation process supports us choosing when and where to air our grievances. For many of us completing the individuation skill level means healing our anger and forgiving ourselves for setting up the circumstances in our life in the ways that we have.

Intensity is the primary indicator that we are subjectifying others (where we define our self in terms of the Thoughts we have about others). The common reaction to subjectification is counter-subjectification. We wind up in endless power struggles, both overt and covert. Overt individuals tend to use their intellect to prove they are right. Covert individuals tend to use their Emotional dexterity to create circumstances where their hidden Truth mysteriously becomes the default reality for both. In an attempt to avoid being compromised, we tend to assert our Truth over others’ to recapture what we creatively denied within our Self. Whenever we deny an aspect of our Self, we automatically seek out others who can support us or fulfill the parts we deny. The result is attraction to individuals who represent our opposite Attractions, Motives and Compatibility Factors. The initial Compatibility Factor most used to make this distinction about differences is our Defense Style. At this level we are mostly attracted to those with an opposite Defense Style (for example: a DisarmingDefense Style individual who honors the Feminine over the Masculine is attracted to a DynamicDefense Style individual, who honors the Masculine over the Feminine). We can identify this type of attraction as an urge to prove ourselves better than our Partner, which creates Unconscious competition.

The more we identify ourselves in terms of our Innocence, Strength or Personal Autonomy, the more we are caught up in subjectification, Co-Dependence and defensive polarization. While these self-Judgments may provide a sense of Security, the Security comes at the cost of defining ourselves in terms of others. Co-Dependence can be seen as an attraction to our opposites where it is hard to be creatively valued. By placing the goal outside ourselves, we systematically keep from embodying what we most want. Usually, this occurs because we believe that finding individuals with opposite skills naturally increases our Security. Our singular focus is to learn how to create positions where we can prove how right we are. The problem is that we do not see how these positions sabotage and compromise what we are trying to manifest. The subjectification of others separates us from our Partners and makes it difficult to energetically create a state of mutual Alignment. This is because partial points of view (positions) reflect only an appearance of power without its creative embodiment.

Accepting and Transcending Our Content (Knowledge Structures)

We transcend our Gender Identity by learning to step out of accepting the beliefs of others so that we honor our own truth. This act of temporarily separates us from the ‘herd mentality’ governing many of society’s interactions. Particularly in the United States, we are not seen as powerful unless we can work alone and produce results. In our mythology we become the hero or heroine who goes beyond what is expected and sets their course by their own inner knowing of what they must do. We become risk-takers when we let go of the Safety of pre-defined roles and expectations. The individuation process is one of recognizing that we need to step out of the shadows of others and into the light of our own being, in order to contribute anything of true meaning to us. We falsely believe we have arrived when we discover we have the ‘power’ to affect the choices of others. Actually we only arrive when we are able to support and honor the Autonomy (their ability to tell their truth) of others so they will honor ours.

Individuation is the process of natural differentiation as part of our growth process. As we begin to accept our separate social identity and come to see that we can make a contribution in the world, our performance ends up distinguishing us from others around us. Initially our feedback in our families of origin is limited and it does not seem that our experience matches others’ in the family. Every family member with a sense of personal power seems to use their experience of their sensations, feeling/emotions, and thoughts to distinguish themselves from others. Individuals that do not possess a sense of “personal power” are typically viewed as weak. When we are not comfortable in defining our self in terms of our own sensations, feelings/emotions and thoughts, we accept the perceptions of others over our own. The initial differentiation process helps to clarify that we do not have to sense, feel or think in the same way (or at the same time) as others to survive.

The individuation process naturally evolves so that we become clearer about how our protective personality programming and our defensive identity can further amplify the differences we experience with others. Eventually our ability to objectify the differences with others makes us feel more powerful and supports us in establishing clear boundaries. It is not until we realize that differences are not the only way to distinguish our self from others that we begin to see how limiting the individuation process is. For example, what about using positive creative characteristics to distinguish our selves from others. It is ironic that we come to believe that no one experiences what we experience when actually we all tend to experience the same type of general things. For example, the more we are identified with the need to be perfect because our parent thought we were imperfect the less we see others who have the same patterns with their parents. It is a tremendous relief when we find out that we are not alone and that others have similar experiences.

Individuation supports the perception that we create our reality from our own inner knowing. The problem is what knowing are we using to generate our perceptions? Unfortunately, we apply the general truth (that perception equals reality) to proving ourselves unique or different from others by acting unique. Our use of superficial differences becomes a point of leverage and influence when what we believe is what they believe. For example, we try to think differently in order to be different. Some individuals get into proving how self-determined or persevering we are, compared to others. Others believe that it is their self-control and discipline that distinguishes their ‘self’ from others. Some of us will even use our artificial Gender Identity differences to amplify and prove that we are unique. Since all of these superficial qualities or values do not reflect our true creative nature, it is harder to differentiate our Self unless they agree.

Ironically it is more likely our authentic differences where we do not agree with others that most supports our individuation process. Most teenagers need to leave or distance themselves from their parents to maximize their healthy individuation and natural creative differentiation. The confusion arises when individuals have been trained to conform and follow their parent’s suggestions. No matter what a child decides to do in this circumstance, it is hard for them to know if they have freely made their own choice. The obvious compromise is to only pursue options that our parents would approve. Even if these individuals consider options that their parents could dis-agree with, they could, by making this choice, face incongruent personal beliefs, which sabotage their individual development. No matter what our choice, we individuate by living with the consequences. It usually takes time for us to evolve our authentic expression in a way that appropriately distinguishes us.

An effective tool for distinguishing our truth from the truth of others is whether we can be present, playful, and unattached to it. Our authentic truth does not require us to prove it in any way, for it is natural and needs no justification. Usually, the more rigidly we defend our truth, the more likely we were initially compromised by it. Our rigidity comes from the fact that our survival required us to accept this truth as our own. Many of our assumptions and beliefs are our parents’ truths and not our own. This does not mean that we cannot believe the same thing, but that we need to take ownership of our own truths by releasing our Self from conditioned ways of thinking. If we feel “reactive” in making any statement, it is likely that we have distanced our Self from it, reflecting the need to examine where and how we are incongruent. The process of releasing our fears of rejection and abandonment (which are entangled with these thoughts) allows us to become more flexible and present with others.

The more we take ownership of our own truth, the less reactive we will be with others. Our reactions reflect how others have compromised our truth or made us fearful of being anything outside of our parents’ Expectations. Many of us needed to agree with our parents to be Safe. This conditioning process is subtle and demanding, but identifiable when our intentions are subverted. In short, we externalize our desires by imagining they are separate from us. Conditioning distorts our ability to create what we desire. When we establish a goal and then cannot directly fulfill it, we are disconnected in our intentions, skills or alignment with Universal Intent. A disconnection at the level of intention is usually based on conflict between what we want and what we believe we ‘should want.’ The primary source for such conflict is not separating our truth from the truth of our parents or other caregivers. This creates scarcity and increases our fear that nothing will change.

Another example of how we are submerged in our parents’ reality is our attachment to Imprinting. Creative Expression imprints condition us to pretend to operate with a particular focus that distracts us from our natural, effortless expression. The more we try to gain the approval of our parents by copying their Primary, Secondary or creative Imprints, the less we understand and accept our true creative gifts. Orchestrator imprinting contains an exaggerated Self-importance and the Expectation that others will defer to us and perform to meet our needs. Compassionate imprinting is proving our consideration and consistency, being seen as a Peacemaker by buffering conflicts, and overdoing and fretting about our commitments. Implementer imprinting is proving that only we can do certain things, and believing that we have a special certainty and clarity that allows us to implement change most effectively. Inventor imprinting is non-traditional, outside-the-box thinking that demonstrates an exaggerated indifference to the opinions of others, while simultaneously questioning their assumptions. Investigator imprinting is being a traditional problem-solver believing that Knowledge is power, and being skeptical of the truth of others, which elevates our own thoughts. Visionary imprinting is inappropriate self-sacrifice, attempting to be seen as ‘special’ because of our expansive vision, and absolutely believing in our goodness and righteousness. Storyteller imprinting is being enamored by our speaking, believing that everything we say has entertainment or educational value, to the point where we become boring ‘attention getters.’

At this stage, many of us get caught up in proving our uniqueness or distinctiveness at any cost. The more we are caught up in imprinting and Pretenses, the more we seek ways to be superficially unpredictable. This reflects how when we cannot go deeper, we try to superficially differentiate ourselves. Sometimes, it is silly how far we will go to appear different from other people, simply because we are fearful of their judgments. Consequently, we become over-identified with proving our independence to the point where we are always separate and alone. True individuation is the process of building an authentic understanding of natural energetic boundaries so we can be both flexible and effective. The goal is to individuate ourselves so we can reconnect in a way that is more powerful.

Unfortunately, many individuals become overly identified in their personality framework where their attachments and positions separate them from others. Appropriate development of Playfulness, Personality Detachment, and Autonomy allows us to distinguish our personal from transpersonal so we can say “yes” or “no” authentically to others. We learn how to tell our truth and deal with the reactions of others rather than ‘hiding out.’ Eventually, with practice, we discover how to tell our truth harmlessly by being present in our Self with it. This also requires that we learn how to own our truth so we are not longer projecting uncomfortable aspects of it on others. Individuation skills promote our ability to consciously choose a path with others that leads to greater Unity.

Being around people who are opposite to us awakens us to seeing the larger picture. Therefore, our individuation must transcend our appearing different and actually affirm who we are. Going beyond our Defensive differences means acknowledging how a particular activity or way of operating may actually be appropriate and powerful for others who are naturally that way. If we are not naturally a particular way, it is a disaster. We need to discover how to embrace our true creative power. It is helpful to recognize that others’ differences are not there merely to diminish or attack us. The more we see and accept others’ differences as legitimate expressions, the more we appreciate our choice to engage others with different levels of similarities and differences. We do not fully transcend this level until we complete our Defensive healing process. This requires us to honor ourselves as we are, without somehow making others wrong for being different.

Skill 4: Playfulness. (Neutralizing Self-Criticism and Seriousness)

Honoring our physical and emotional being by letting go of our role-playing, allows us to experience freedom. This is Playfulness. The opposite of Playfulness is seriousness in which we are not willing to let ourselves take advantage of new opportunities to have fun. Seriousness results from following our inner expectations, believing that they are guides to the good life. Unfortunately, most of these expectations were installed in us as children and do not really reflect our creative uniqueness. Instead, these expectations sabotage any willingness we may have to supersede them. Playfulness is associated with the first step (of pleasure) of the individuation skills-building process. This means that it is an engagement process that helps to build connection skills by having fun with each other.

Playfulness is maximized when we develop a sense of adventure. Engaging Playfulness allows us to neutralize any negative pre-conceptions about others. There are three ways we take positions so that Playfulness is negated: 1) the more we deny our adventure by meeting the expectations of others, the more we lose ourselves (the Distant position); 2) the more we diminish our sense of adventure by over-planning (usually by escaping into the future and over-structuring it) the more we lose Playfulness (the Dynamic position); 3) the more we deny our Playfulness by under planning and by not taking initiative when opportunities come up (that many would call escaping to our past), the more we ignore playful interactions (the Disarming position).

The Playfulness lesson teaches how we repress ourselves by doing what we think is safe and good, at the cost of denying new possibilities. The amount of seriousness we feel is the degree to which we believe we are the imprinting of our parents, requiring that we conform to what is expected. This ends up confining our expressions to the things we feel safe doing. It over-emphasizes perfection in action. Ironically, seriousness is perceived by others to mean commitment. But, it is a commitment to the past and does not honor the present or the future. Unfortunately, people end up associating seriousness with engagement when, in fact, it is disengagement. Playfulness frees us to explore other possibilities.

Conclusions About Playfulness

1.   Playfulness reflects our autonomy that indicates the degree we give ourselves space while acknowledging the space of others.
2.   Playfulness is subverted by preconceptions, judgments and attachments. Each one of these increases the perception of distance causing us to vacillate between fear and desire. Typically, Playfulness is undermined by excitement, which is desire over fear.
3.   Playfulness is enhanced by connectedness, full self-expression and the capacity not to be affected by the perceptions of others. Playfulness requires that you be there for yourself, coming from your inner creative nature and able to act without recrimination from others or our inner critical commentary.
4.   Our problems with Playfulness are indicated by the degree of seriousness we have in our lives. We can choose to bring fun and open possibilities and humor to any situation to enhance our ability to connect with others. Unfortunately, seriousness typically indicates attachments to the past where we believe we will be compromised again.

Note: Attachments are almost always places where we have lost our ability to play and believe we have no choice but to protect ourselves.
The Playfulness game is to transform preconceptions, judgments and attachments into loving opportunities for creative expansion. We do this with humor, joyful self-deprecation and sabotaging our seriousness.

Most people don’t trust Playfulness because they can’t control it. The more we identify with our defenses, the more we shy away from its unpredictability and spontaneity. When we have a Distant defense, we become attached to using seriousness to counteract it. We think that we will not be influential or be taken into consideration without some focus and goal. Ironically, by putting up an image of our seriousness, we are seen as dull and conditioned to the whims of society. To counterbalance this, we have to find ways to become open and available to experience the life energy that we want to express in relationships. The more serious we are, the more we are closed down to expressing our life energy or even honoring it within us.

Dynamic defense style individuals take this a step further by being more stoic when we encounter Playfulness. We become overly attached to our physical presence and disconnected to our emotional self, believing that we can endure the relationships therein. If we were willing to engage Playfulness we would find we would not have to be so persevering. When we are willing to let go of our stoic role by acting spontaneously or out of character then we are able to recover some of the life energy that we want to experience with others. Of course, this would require that we connect ourselves emotionally to what is going on within and have a peaceful acceptance about our emotional well being that others can connect to. What we seem to do best in the Dynamic defense is using calculated risk-taking to embrace a degree of aliveness in our relationship.

Disarming defense style individuals engage the process of not being playful by being overly attached emotionally to acting silly and sentimental. Our discounting on the physical level denies our ability to be strong and robust in our playful expressions. This leads to role-playing where we can be the caretakers that accept where others are emotionally. If we were willing to embrace Playfulness, we would have to act oblivious to others to break through to a more self-generated and whole-hearted form of Playfulness. What we don’t trust is our own spontaneity on a physical level and that we have the capacity and perseverance to overcome threats of all kinds.

All three of these defensive ways used to deny Playfulness increase the degree of role-playing. The more that we are defined in terms of the expectations of others, the less we show up as unique creative beings. In other words, Playfulness should reflect our creative energy. When we discover and honor it, it will flow naturally in a way that not only supports us, but also protects us from the misuse of it by others. This means we have to see that everything is perfect as it is. As soon as we are fearful that things aren’t going right, a part of us splits off trying to fix the problem, which prevents us from being fully present with ourselves. It is this lack of wholeness within us that keeps us from connecting to others. Instead, we become trapped in role-playing interactions where our heart is not present.

Skill 5: Personality Detachment (Honoring Our Higher Creative Connection)

Honoring who we really are means understanding that we are not our survival and success personality mechanisms. This requires that we understand the differences between our naturally fulfilled creative being and the actions we do on the outside in an attempt to express that potential. Simply stated, the more we believe we are our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, the less likely it is that we can see ourselves as the creative energy behind these expressions. The more we are attached to protecting ourselves, taking positions and being right, the more typically confused we are about our true nature. The opposite of Personality Detachment is confusion.

Personality Detachment is the second step (or acceptance stage) of the three-step individuation skill-building process. The purpose of Personality Detachment is to allow us to see that our thoughts, feelings and behavior are merely expressions of who we are, and not who we are. The more we can build a sense of space internally to be able to observe ourselves in the moment-to-moment experience of what we are doing, the easier it is to separate ourselves from our reactions and the reactions of others. There are three positions we can take that reduce Personality Detachment: 1) we could have physical attachments to our behavior where we lose ourselves trying to get the attention of others (the Distant position); 2) we could have emotional attachments and try to control our feelings so we lose ourselves in the adoration of others (the Dynamic position); 3) we could have intellectual attachments where we lose ourselves in seeking the admiration of others (the Disarming position).

The Personality Detachment stage starts to allow us to honor our higher essence or soul by becoming more identified with it, rather than our personality expression. The more we practice Personality Detachment, the more freedom we experience and the greater our ability to be of service to others. What is generated is an inner Spacious Presence where we are able to honor our own higher creative nature. Most individuals will call this “being at our source” or developing resourcefulness. Simply stated, we develop the ability to reflect on what is going on in each moment in a transpersonal way that can see beyond ourselves. Individuals who are the opposite of this are considered narcissistic and pre-occupied because they do not have the ability to see anything but themselves in the moment. Individuals are always conditioned to be this way and then to deny it. It actually only means that we do not or can not see the larger picture of what is going on around us.

It is hard for us to recognize that our defensive identity is actually an overhead item that diminishes our individual creativity and further diminishes our ability to be creative with others. This costs too much, given that the return on our investment is only a perception that we are more safe and secure than we really are. This confusion results from our belief that we have to use effort to overcome the resistance of others. In actuality, it is our confusion about who we are that causes the resistance. In other words, when we believe that we are our imprinting and that we have to prove ourselves, the very nature of our assertion upon others demonstrates that we are not in alignment with ourselves. We can recognize when we are in alignment by how much people naturally hear us without effort or resistance. In fact, when we are in alignment with ourselves, we always attract the resources we need and end up making fulfilling contributions without any effort.

The Personality Detachment lesson challenges us to examine ourselves and to separate who we are from the survival and success mechanism that manifests who we are. Personality Detachment recognizes that our personality is only an expression of who we are, but not who we actually are. This can be confusing if we believe we are the form and not our being. The amount of confusion we each feel about this distinction is the degree to which we are uncertain about whom we really are as an authentic creative being. Confusion indicates that we are questioning, yet, partially believing what others tell us, or that we believe we are what our defenses represent what we have to be. When we believe that we need protection, when we feel the need to overcome resistance by proving ourselves, this represents a disconnection between our higher being and our expression of our knowing. These disconnect results from too much attachment to our personality. By gaining detachment from our personality, we can connect with our higher being.

Personality Detachment, particularly on the emotional level, requires that we maintain a conscious autonomy in the face of rampaging personality desires that we need “something or someone else” to be complete and loved. With Personality Detachment, we choose not to lose ourselves in our roles, scripts and childhood mythology. Instead, we learn to break out of conditioning and preset expectations to rediscover our commitment to our spiritual awakening. Personality Detachment permits us to not carry forward judgments about ourselves, past glamour, romantic illusions, and even fixations with superficial ideas of beauty. Personality Detachment, also called passionate indifference, supports the re-awakening of our autonomy as we learn how we lost ourselves through fragmented attention and inappropriate identification with things, feelings and thoughts. The gift of Personality Detachment is open “space” to experience higher connections.

Personality Detachment from appearances, thoughts, actions and feelings provides a clean context to view our truth. We call this context a Common Neutral Ground because it is a space that honors and acknowledges everyone equally. Actually, many people call this Common Neutral Ground a place where unity, equilibrium and observation can come together; a place where we can walk free from any object of fear or desire. We don’t bring positions, opinions or preconceptions to this space. This space sees the world as it is, and honors the perfection of all its natural beings. The purpose of a Common Neutral Ground is to find the deeper, non-obvious alignment that exists between all beings.

Personality Detachment from our biases is required if we are to see ourselves clearly. Personality Detachment from the typical ways of seeing, evaluating and judging others is necessary if we are to discriminate clearly and without distortion. Confusion about attachments runs deep. There are layers of roles and identifications that form the personality that can cloud perceptions if we allow them. The process of truth telling about these elements reveals their unconscious origins as tools that allowed us in the past to feel safe and secure. It is important to learn how to prune our gardens of items that don’t reflect our current reality and just consume personal space. Upon examination, many of the patterns and habits being talked about are not currently valuable.

The primary benefit of Personality Detachment is perspective. It provides an opportunity to see qualities in terms of a spectrum of features. This compatibility system provides 12 different spectrums where Personality Detachment from perceptions is necessary to see and know what is the concise truth. This truth can also lead us to attach ourselves to what is the highest in our Selves—our essence or soul. Sometimes just remembering who we are can remind us not to be attached to “the little things.”

Personality Detachment usually begins at the end of the Outer Success World View, where we learn we are not our things or possessions. This continues through the Relationship World View stage, where we begin to detach from how others see us. Finally, in the Inner Success World View we learn to listen to our own inner source over any outside considerations. Ii is estimated that approximately 30% of the adult population currently practices some form of Personality Detachment, which allows them to respond rather than react to changing circumstances.

Most religions encourage a Personality Detachment from the personality, so that a spirit or higher source can be expressed. The challenge is that most do not currently follow it with Intuitive Discrimination, where a higher form of perception is engaged that connects us to our soul by releasing our past attachments to what we know. By concentrating on the creative energy contained within us, it becomes possible, when we are not attached to personality attractions, to be in communion with the inner essence of people or things. Making it a daily practice can of course speed up development of Personality Detachment.

Skill 6: Autonomy (Focusing Our Natural Contribution)

When we honor who we are, we need to learn how to express ourselves without compromise. Autonomy is the skill of expressing our truth harmlessly, so that it can be heard, seen, and met without conflict or compromise. It is taking a stand for being creative in our unique way, which also includes others. While Autonomy seems to be very individualistic, its full expression requires that others operate in Autonomy as well. What is different about autonomy and its opposite, co-dependence, is the presence of need. Autonomy is a belief that takes a stand for its own expression and recognizes that each person can create and manage his or her own needs. Co-dependence, on the other hand, is the belief that it is up to others to take care of us.

Autonomy is the third step where we honor our presence and our capacity to be individuated. There are actually three levels of Autonomy - personal, relationship and spiritual. In this course, we will focus on the personal Autonomy level, because it interconnects with these other two levels. At its core, Autonomy is the ability to tell our truth and be ourselves with others. There are three positions which reflect how we have compromised our Autonomy: 1) Confused Autonomy is where we have no boundaries and are enmeshed with others (the Distant position); 2) Personal Autonomy is where we are focused on ourselves and have to prove our independence at every step of the process (the Dynamic position); 3) Interpersonal Autonomy is where we lose ourselves in others and try to create a larger sense of Autonomy in the relationship (the Disarming position).

Sovereign Autonomy is where we recognize ourselves as a creative being, empowered to make our own choices. Honoring our boundaries on Seven Levels – physical, emotional, intellectual, creative/intuitive, social, monetary and sexual, creates Sovereign Autonomy. The more we know our truth and can speak in the moment about what works for us on each of these levels, the more effective we are at being a conscious partner. Ultimately, what it takes to be autonomous is to know and honor our natural contribution to others. Autonomy is not about the way we accomplish something, rather it is about the spirit and commitment we express and how we live our truth. It is about trusting our self, without compromising or settling for something we already know in our heart won’t ultimately work. It is about knowing that we have or are developing the skills necessary to make informed choices. The power of our Autonomy is in direct proportion to our alignment with our higher self or soul.

The Autonomy lesson has to do with learning the distinction between honoring our own power to make things happen and believing we are victims of others. The amount of co-dependence we feel in the relationship is directly related to the degree we have defined our well being in terms of another person. The more our partner is the opposite side of us, the greater the co-dependence potential. This results in defensiveness and polarization in which one or more of us are tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

When we define ourselves in terms of other beings, we end up feeling like or becoming a victim. This is due to the fact that we, individually or together, compare ourselves with others. Ironically, co-dependence seems justified when we believe that it is a matter of balancing the needs we give to each other. In other words, we get into a quid pro quo exchange program where forgiving others and taking care of their needs in some way allows us to feel justified in getting our needs met to the same degree. Unfortunately, there is no Aliveness, Wisdom, or awareness in this process since we go unconscious when we compromise ourselves to take care of our partner’s needs. Autonomy helps us avoid co-dependence.

Autonomy is not really about being independent or alone. This is an American cultural distortion or myth that the only way to have Autonomy is to homestead or buy your own land, where no one can tell you what to do. Since Americans don’t believe that they can solve things with talk, they are skeptical that something could be said in a way that doesn’t upset others. Fortunately, with compassion, empathy and the consciousness to pre-identify what others will react to; finding harmless ways to speak your truth is just a matter of practice. Sovereign Autonomy, paradoxically, means that we speak our truth from our gut, head and heart, but only after some internal consideration about how to express our self in a way others will hear. This means we need to take responsibility for what others hear, not just for what we say. In other words, when confronted with reactive individuals, we need to prep them that our thoughts are just our own, and don’t necessarily reflect on them in any way.

Living top down and inside out means that we need to find the courage within to speak our truth in the presence of others. It also means that we need to detach ourselves from the opinions of others, so we can clearly see our truth and honor it. Without Personality Detachment, we could perceive other contrary opinions as attacks on us. If we are insecure and unsure of our Autonomy, we might take what others say as a dishonoring of our own opinion or voice. In so doing, we lose the connection to our soul, and we are not able to listen or truly respond to what they are saying, which is a loss to both them and ourselves.

Ninety-five percent of what unconscious people say is about them, no matter whom they address their comments to. The other five percent is why we need to listen and be able to respond from our truth and take action that is appropriate. Sovereign Autonomy operates on all levels and reflects our true boundaries. What is less known is that individuals also typically create boundaries around their sexuality, money, relationships, work and community expressions as well? When a boundary is unconscious it invites attack and generates a reaction. The reactions can be “it’s not important,” “don’t worry,” or “get out of my face!”

It is important that we start honoring our Autonomy by telling the truth about our reactions. Many times, “it’s not important” or “whatever” is really “get out of my face!” Building appropriate boundaries starts with finding the appropriate volume to voice our objections. We typically need to practice expressing our sense of violation at various levels and tones to demonstrate that we have the power to set our standards. Typically, we are surprised when we find others responding and reacting. This is because our boundaries and reactions to boundary violations were set as children when we didn’t have many alternatives. Now as adults, we have many ways of voicing our objections and many ways of setting consequences for on-going violation. It is time now to remember that we are co-creators of our experience and world. Anything that we want to change, we can.

It’s also important to remember that it is the influence of creativity-inspired, autonomous individuals choosing same type defensive partners who will seed the kinship communities of the future. As such, Autonomy starts with a Personality Detachment to current society and its cultural norms for the purpose of bringing spirit into being. Sovereign Autonomy is therefore the expression and exchange of spiritual guidance. Our intention is to find a way of honoring the community’s expression of its spiritual well being.

When every individual voice is acknowledged and honored, then we can say that the community has found its Universal Dominion. In such an environment, spiritual alignment and trust can create miracles. Without such an environment, gossip, outer perceptions of power and jealousies pull the group down. This is why every person that consciously commits him or herself to any group needs to be able to be autonomous and accountable if the group is to evolve. It is important to note that Autonomy requires taking responsibility for one’s actions. It also requires that we evaluate all the options, recognize the consequences, and choose the solution that is not only best for us, but serves others as well.

The more we experience our choices and discover the differences we make when we set ourselves toward any goal, we confirm our ability to master and co-create our reality. Each step taken in this direction indicates that we are not victims of our environment or needs. At times we may have believed that the world was against us or that the situation was somehow conspiring to keep us from having what we needed, but with investigation, most of these situations revealed that a part of us either didn’t want what we said we wanted or weren’t ready to deal with the lessons that would arise by getting the things we needed. All these issues point to the fact that we have the choice to unify ourselves and learn to speak with one voice; if we explore our inner space with the same commitment that we expend on viewing our outer world though media influences.

Integrating our inner and outer views is the way we know we are in alignment. For example, being aware of our inner compatibility structures allows us to recognize why we feel more comfortable and expansive in some relationships over others. When these models accurately predict our outer experiences, the inner and outer connections become stronger, more complete and integrated. This feedback begins to match specific patterns, which we then further enhance and explore. The results are new realizations and new tools that integrate other areas of our lives. These feedback loops expand autonomy as well as by refining our intuitive knowing. The more we consciously build our understanding of these qualities, the more we improve our relationships and the better they become.

Autonomy is a mutual expression skill. This means that we cannot create Autonomy by using force of any kind. To experience full Autonomy, our partner needs to be manifesting their Autonomy as well. Whatever compromises our partner also compromises us in our ability to work together. Therefore, it is in our interest to support the Autonomy of others. If we don’t, and others conform to us, then resentment automatically builds. This resentment occurs because we don’t believe we have a choice. Actually, we always have a choice. It is interesting to note how our ability to be playful actually defines how well we establish our own Autonomy. This is because humor is such an important element in creating mutual ownership of possibilities.

When our Autonomy is clearly in hand, then our fears of intimacy will be reduced. We will then be able to be as close as we want because we will not fear being lost or submerged in the personality of another. Instead, we will know that our unique qualities cannot be lost, only enhanced by interactions with others. When we take the first steps toward learning to learn together and being in the moment, we will find that our contributions become the foundation for a much larger synergistic result. Of course, this requires trusting our process and risking being ourselves. When we invite the equal participation of others, unknown creative possibilities are engaged that provide opportunities for expressions that exceed their individual components.