Idealistic Skills
Connection Skills
Letting go of positions and defenses allows for intimacy. Paradox and Intuitive Discrimination support the intimacy building process by allowing us to be with all that is not yet known or understood. While many believe that intimacy is being sentimental, it is actually about being open and available. Sentimental intimacy has come about because we have been concerned about imposing ourselves on others. This arises from the false notion that people are not powerful. Paradox allows us to integrate our intellectual self with our intuitive knowing, allowing us to become clearer about inner connections that are not apparent on the surface. When we learn to honor our own boundaries and support others in having their boundaries, paradox opens up a world where inner personal co-development is possible.
Intuitive Discrimination is the skill of learning how not to judge others. It takes Intuitive Discrimination to be open and present with others. It helps us, also, in letting go of preconceptions about how others are, so we are empowered to connect with them. Intimacy permits us to be present with our current truth and honor the truth of others without feeling discounted or demeaned. Intimacy is really being seen as you are, and helps to reflect the truth about who we are so we can get feedback in a way that supports us. We accept and love who we are because we allow intimacy in our life. With intimacy, we can master the sense of allowing others to be who they are and can avoid being triggered defensively by how they are being. When we discover that intimacy really relates to the ability to be present with ourselves, we can see how to expand our intimacy with others.
Repulsion and Anxietyare the primary indicators that we are lost in a world of idealizations. Idealizations are where we project some higher standard upon our self and others in order to motivate us to move toward some goal or particular outcome. Repulsions show up when some aspect of us is afraid to consider that we may be trapped in some problematic pattern we see in others. The irony of this process is that as we are growing into a more compassionate and heartfelt Connection with others, the idealization process itself requires completely disconnecting from our authentic self. The basic goal, at this level, is to demonstrate our Goodness. Unfortunately, we sometimes get caught up in personal ideas of what constitutes Goodness that actually is at odds with what is. To the degree that we are reactive, we feel justified trying to force the better situation to occur rather than to work to improve what is. It is this imbalance that reflects a distortion between our Feelings and Emotions about a situation.
An idealization arises either from an attachment to doing the right thing or a belief that others need to conform to some Intellectual Reality. Many individuals talk about this is the body/mind split where we don’t know how to integrate these disparate Wisdoms. In Higher Alignment, we actually describe this process as about balancing our body Sensation/Feelings with our Emotions/Thoughts so that neither is predominant. As most individuals are not balanced in this way, they either act out their body/Sensation impulses or deny the value of their concrete knowledge to provide solutions or vice-versa. That is, we can use our concrete knowledge to repress our body Sensations and Feelings by imposing our Beliefs on others. In each situation, we avoid integrating an aspect of who we are which frequently becomes reflected back to us in the points of view of others we attract to us. This is why we seem to be spinning our wheels when we are operating at the level of Idealization.
On this level, we commonly choose Partners on this level that superficially agree with our goals so that we don’t have to confront what we are denying within ourselves. For example, if one Partner is denying their body Sensations/Feelings and using their intellect to define a course of action they want to make sure that their Partner will unconditionally accept their mandates before getting fully involved. Of course, the opposite is also true when a Partner affirms their body knowing and seeks others who will Respect and honor their natural movement and decision making processes. Some individuals refer to this as operating from their gut Feelings. What we commonly do not realize is that we tend to attract individuals that complement or offset our understanding. This means if we are stronger in our body Wisdom, we look for people who are stronger in their concrete knowing. This keeps us tied up in situations where we cannot grow together because doing so would threaten the precarious Balance we need to maintain the Illusion that everything is okay.
Idealizations are the primary way we assert “Goodness” on ourselves and others (when they agree with us). The more we seek to prove our Goodness through greater Self-Acceptance, Self-Rejection and Personal Intimacy, the more we are caught up in how we “should” be. We seek others who not only agree with how we should be but will support how we implement our idealistic goals. The problem is that these competing ideals interfere with our ability to be present with our natural Goodness. When we are repulsed by our way of operating (because it is not natural to us), we need to heal it through Self Acceptance. When we are repulsed by our personality positions and attachments, we sometimes believe we have to attack that part of ourselves and annihilate the fear or desire that keeps us caught in its grasp. Ironically, we heal this through recognizing that we are not our personality, which we call Personality Self Rejection. Finally, our desire to be loved in a particular way is frequently framed in terms of Personal Intimacy, which commonly reflects our outer attachments to caretaking.
Enlarging and Embodying Our Context
Being lonely, isolated and staunchly independent is not much fun. Without others, we are not stimulated to think or grow in new ways. Most importantly, loving ourselves means wanting to share our love with others, which encourages us to develop ways to both learn from and teach each other. Therefore, Connection Skills are the next step in becoming a well-rounded, self-knowledgeable individual. The three skills on this level are Paradox, Intuitive Discrimination, and Intimacy. Each one of these skills awakens us to the fact that the universe is a creatively diverse experience, which is fascinating in its complexity. In other words, if things were overly simplistic, it would not be as interesting or challenging for us to learn and discover who we are. The underlying paradox of Connection Skills is that the more we are able to reflect others, the more accelerated our Growth will be. Conversely, if we lack the ability to reflect others, it usually indicates we cannot see ourselves in an objective way.
To be effective with others, we need to learn how to acknowledge our weaknesses. As long as we try to hide our weaknesses, our defense structure distances them from us. When we can acknowledge our weaknesses and share them with others, it demonstrates our capacity to transcend our defensiveness. We call this “turning our weaknesses into strengths by allowing others to support us.” One of the biggest problems in not revealing our Self is that others do not know how to support us. With greater Intimacy, comes a capacity to be fully supported by others. Acknowledging our weaknesses requires us to be able to objectively self-examine our Self. Sometimes this can best occur by talking with our partners and friends to get feedback about what they think are our strengths and weaknesses. Many times our beliefs about weaknesses are the result of childhood events where we were unfairly discounted. Most of our self-criticism is the result of old beliefs where inappropriate reactions were adopted and made a part of our reality.
Co-Measurement skills reflect that we have come to a point in our internal self-development where we are able to balance our inner perceptions of our Self with the outer perceptions others have of us. Some individuals might describe this as achieving a balance between authentically expressing who we are and being seen for it by others around us. The more we are at ease with ourselves and not attached to how others want us to be, the easier it is to maintain a separate space that can be fluid and intimate with others. While this initially seems paradoxical, we have demonstrated that self-development supports transpersonal development with others. In other words, the more we know about ourselves, the easier it is to know and accept others as they are. Therefore we can make effective choices as to when and how to engage people in our life in more appropriate ways.
Many times we find ourselves in the dilemma of personally wanting something that, if others wanted it as well, there would not be enough. Most of us learned as children that telling others what we wanted usually lead to them wanting it, too, just because we wanted it. We learned not to speak about what it was we wanted until we actually got it. This led us to operate from a sense of scarcity because we no longer believed that sharing of ourselves would lead to greater opportunities. While being with unconscious people creates this pattern, being with conscious people requires us to be open, cooperative, and, above all, abundant in our sharing. The more sharing we can do, the greater fulfillment we are likely to experience. In this sense, sharing refers not only to the act of indicating to someone else what it is we want, but also sharing what we have because it attracts more possibilities for everyone to be fulfilled. What we need to understand is that being present with our desires attracts whatever we need.
Being present to our desires means, first of all, being conscious of them so we can examine how they would appropriately fulfill our Life Expression. In short, we need to be able to differentiate what it is we want from what it is we need. What we want reflects a Personality Desire that may or may not be what we need to do our life work. It is not bad to fulfill our Personality Desires after our transpersonal growth needs have been fulfilled. Transpersonal growth process is the ability to focus on serving the world in a way that uplifts us and other around us. It is tragic to fixate on our Personality Desires when we have not created a framework of serving the world and being served by the world in the fulfillment of our possibilities. To develop Intimacy, we need to recognize the difference between our transpersonal growth needs, which fulfill us, and our personal desires, which may only reflect past creative denial. This requires that we understand that while “We have Personality Desires, we are not our Personality Desires”.
The challenge with Intimacy is that typically we project our Personality Desires on our partners, preventing us from being present with them. When we are attached to how our partner takes care of us, it is because we do not love our Self fully. The more positions we take about how they should demonstrate their love, the more it destroys our authentic connection. True Intimacy nurtures a loving connection not based on meeting our partner’s expectations, but challenges us to create new ways of connecting that transcend our past. What we want to avoid is falling into comparisons with our parents or other past relationships with our current partner. It reflects that we are over identified with our Self Image or Self Perception of being loving by what we do for them. This kind of romantic projection becomes an obstacle to going deeper in the relationship, and learning how to truly serve each other. If we fully love our Self, what does it matter if others do not do exactly what we believe they should? On the other side of this situation, beyond mere effectiveness, what does it matter to us that our partners have preferences about how they wish to support? Honoring the truth of our partners is supportive, if it is not demanding.
Most people do not realize that authentic power comes from seeing and being seen in relationship just as we are. To the degree that we accept and honor our own Intimacy, we do so with others. The major benefit of relationship is to have someone who can reflect our perspectives back to us, and thus we can confirm our own degree of alignment with where we are going. When this occurs, relationships become transformative engines of growth where both parties Mutually Learn from and grow with each other. This does not happen unless we are comfortable and confident in our ability to be present with others. Therefore, Connection Skills are critical in challenging us to see the bigger picture of our own possibilities. All this begins with the ability to be seen where we are, which allows us to clarify and validate our own perspective. The challenge is that rejection and the reflection of negative or distorted images interferes with Intimacy building. We do not know when or how to share our Self if we do not trust others. It is best to err on the side of good intention.
We develop Connection Skills by learning how to be more flexible without compromising ourselves. This requires us to distinguish the preferences of others from their demands, so we do not feel we have to perform for others in order to be close to them. When we do not experience a choice about how we are being with our partner, we will very likely experience a compromise that will later breed resentment. To prevent resentment, we must tell our truth harmlessly and find different ways to get our unfulfilled needs met with someone other than our primary partner. Sometimes this can occur by supporting our partner or our Self in creating other friendships that can fulfill these needs. Other times, we may need to express our requests in ways that our partner does not perceive as demands, but rather as statements of our preferences. In so doing, we learn how to think outside of the traditional roles or positions that have defined us in the past. Otherwise, we will either burn out our partners with inappropriate demands or compromise our partners so that resentment becomes part of the relationship.
Part of the value of any contribution is how others respond to it. The more we experience inner alignment, the more our partners will likely accept our contribution. When we experience resistance, either one or both of us is defining our contribution in terms of Personality Desires or Fears. In others words, so past circumstance is defining the current situation in a way not foreseen. When we react to these past issues, we become contracted and inaccessible to others, making it difficult to connect as equal partners. This is because we have either taken a position or a judgment that denies our ability to relate to each other wholeheartedly. Usually we are most sensitive to backsliding at this level. Until we are able to embrace the essential qualities of these connection skills, we are unable to recreate the experiences of others without severe distortion. The way we open up these possibilities is by engaging in greater Unity Thinking through Paradox, by neither judging others nor ourselves. Thus, we provide an open, undefined way to energetically engage each other.
The way we can transcend these intimacy issues is to see and accept the value of being rejected by another. Our fears suggest that rejection is somehow a reflection of our lack of skills or capabilities in meeting their needs. Or our frustrated desires could have driven us to reject others because we were no longer able to deal with not being seen n the way we wished. Personalizing the rejection experience in these ways does not support us in seeing a higher, more unified perspective. What if the rejection mutually assisted each person to recognize a degree of non-alignment in how they wanted to move ahead? What if it reflected a mutual unknown that was not best explored by this partnership. Since we tend to attract and repulse people in our lives that reflect where we authentically need to go to honor our lessons, then rejection could actually be and invitation to the next opportunity.
Skill 7: Paradox (Honoring the Irony of Interdependent Lessons)
We honor open-ended solutions when we acknowledge that everything does not fit in a linear sequential process. Paradox embraces the fact that at different levels of experience, similar patterns may be reversed on each level. Paradox permits us to explore relationships that are contrary to logic. Only by letting go of pre-set positions are we able to explore new avenues in which deeper solutions may be found. The opposite of Paradox is certainty. Within certainty lies fears about time that drive us toward expedient, linear, and predictable courses of action. Paradox is the initiating step where pleasure helps us to build connection with others. Curiosity about people is what initiates paradox. Paradox is a skill where we learn to consciously embrace at least two apparently incongruent truths to see how they can unify our perspective.
Paradox is the engagement of interdependent lessons where we can learn to be with the similarities and differences of others. Without using Paradox, we are limited to superficial connections that do not deepen over time. There are three positions that limit the engagement of Paradox: 1) we operate from a sense of certainty where we don’t wish to engage anything new (the Distant position); 2) we disengage from differences, accepting only those who are more superficially similar to us, fearful of being compromised by others (the Dynamic position); 3) we are disengaged from uncomfortable similarities and, instead, only feel comfortable around people who are superficially different from us because of fears of losing our selves in a merging process (the Disarming position).
Distant individuals minimize paradox by embracing only what is known. Thereby, we can focus on what is manageable and ignore everything else. Dynamic individuals are uncomfortable with differences and are attracted to other people when we can use our position to obtain agreement about how reality is. This makes us feel more secure and able to minimize or direct new things that arise. Disarming individuals use position to connect with people that are superficially different in order to keep from being fully seen and appreciated in our power. Paradox is looking at all sides of a situation and, therefore, any limitations placed upon it actually compromise its ability to inform us.
The Paradox lesson teaches us how we deny what we do not understand so that we may live in what is comfortable and practical. The more certainty we have about how things should be in a relationship, the more we depend upon role-playing, fixed positions, and expertise to create linear, hierarchical, problem-resolution strategies. These non-equal, non-inclusive authoritarian processes have no flexibility and end up repressing Paradox, Wisdom, and consciousness from the solution finding process.
Ironically the more we are attached to our knowledge; the less capable we are in knowing possibilities. Unfortunately, it is only experts who have the drive and determination, because of their attachment to their defenses, who are able to assert themselves upon others at the cost of any solution. By embracing Paradox, more possible solutions emerge.
Conclusions About Paradox.
- Paradox reflects our intimacy, which is how we give ourselves time to grow and not rush the growth of others.
- Paradox is subverted by fixed positions, doubts and fears of Growth or change. It is important to recognize that taking fixed positions to avoid Growth actually dis-empowers us to change our lives in positive ways. Expedience is the excuse people use to force their conclusions on others. They claim that there is no time to deal with deeper issues, which leaves us with only our positions and not a reconciliation of the situation. Paradox requires that you are present as a neutral observer that can watch the inner connections and see the incongruities of your own actions and the actions of others.
- Paradox is enhanced by seeing and accepting the perfection of the way things are recognizing that any incongruities can lead us to Wisdom and greater self-understanding. The more we accept differences in ourselves the more effective we will be in managing our differences with others allowing everything to unfold in its own way. Paradox is enhanced and enriched by our exploration of new possibilities and our sense of adventure. The key indicator of fully engaged paradox is constant, undaunted curiosity.
Positions are the result of two or more inner survival or success programs that reflect multiple points of view. Positions almost always contain paradoxes that are unacknowledged, unseen or unappreciated. Most people think that we have to be fixed in our thoughts to be powerful. Upon reflection, we can see that a person that is rigid in their thinking has no capacity to grow or embrace situations that are different. When we embrace Paradox, it is with the understanding that our way of thinking is probably not the same as others. Genius comes from not being attached to our way of thinking. Geniuses also don’t define themselves in terms of what is commonly thought and accepted by society. I invite you to use your genius to engage others, assuming that they will see things differently from you and that is what makes them interesting. Paradox is the means by which we grow by accepting differences and uncomfortable similarities in others. To fully embrace Paradox we have to realize that we have four ways of knowing our truth and it is Paradox that unifies these ways of knowing.
Four Ways Of Knowing Our Truth
1. On a physical level, our body wisdom guides us in many ways to tell us when we’re hungry, when we need sleep, when it is the right time to do something, or when not to do something. When we learn to listen to our bodies they provide us with an alternative view that helps guide us into the most effective way of operating. The language they speak is one of sensations and impulses. The more we intuitively see the patterns of these messages and honor what is being communicated to us, the more effectively we will be able to live to our highest creative expression.
2. On the feeling level, we develop an emotional intelligence that reflects the impact of our feelings moment-to-moment. This is a source of emotional connectedness which can tell us when we are hurt, when we are sad, when we are mad or when we are glad. Notice that I speak in small simple terms, not trying to over-intellectualize our emotional perceptions. On the other hand, it would be best to know that it is our cumulative experience through time that creates our emotionally reactive framework about what works and what doesn’t work for us. In other words, while our feelings are in the moment, our emotions reflect our intellectual perception over time. Our emotional knowing therefore reflects how we have not been honored in a way we wish to be. The up side of this emotional framework is that it also captures and grounds our intuitive impulses and can become a reservoir where we passionately express what we most want.
3. On the intellectual level, our knowing can be represented by thoughts about our safety and security that help us survive and succeed. Our mind on the intellectual level is concrete, objectified with linear deductive patterns of processing. As our mind on this level is one of the most powerful ways we create our reality, we can either be at the effect of it by being very critical of ourselves, or it can be the source of great expansion when we use it positively to advance our creative process. Initially, our intellectual knowing is a repository of the beliefs we have absorbed from our parents and society about what to do to survive. The more we take responsibility for creating our life the way we’d like it to be, the more we can distinguish ourselves from society leading to individuation as a human being.
4. On the intuitive level, our imagination and ingenuity allow us to integrate our body wisdom, our emotional truth, and our intellectual perceptions into integrated frameworks. The more we see the inter-relationships between these levels, the more powerfully we can express our creative truth. For example, in a healing crisis, we can observe how certain thoughts could be affecting our emotional reality, which are then manifesting in adverse physical ways. Until we can see that others don’t think the way we think, we are trapped in a prison of our own thoughts. Confronting the unknown is what Paradox means to us. Until we accept that we are operating as fragmented elements of the same person and that when we speak from one truth there can be another opposite truth within us, then we have no way of unifying ourselves. This realization applied externally can help us see others as different expressions as well. It allows us to see conflict as a healing process. It allows us to notice differences and recognize that these different identifications are not necessarily contradictory; they are just not being perceived in the right way to see their unity. When we start to ask, “what must be true for this person to believe what they believe?” then we are on the right track.
An example of Paradox is when two different people in a company are arguing about the placement of a cassette duplication machine. The first person wants it convenient to the phone so that they can be making copies in the background without difficulty. The other person feels it is an eyesore and they don’t want to have to deal with it occupying critical space that could be used for organization. A paradoxical solution that they could come to is to have a decorative box over the copy machine so that when it is not in use it is not an eyesore, yet it can be convenient for copying purposes. Paradoxes are therefore a way to unify all the disparate viewpoints so that it solves all the concerns of everyone involved and actually satisfies everyone involved, without compromise.. What we need in our relationships are ways to bring ourselves together, honoring our truths without compromise. Paradox is the answer.
When we don’t trust our own knowing and have not integrated our four levels of knowing into an intuitive acceptance of our creative being, we are fearful of problems. In relationships this ends up with us not wanting to know why the other person is different or does things differently. It is our fear of failure that keeps us from engaging others in a way that could bring light to the situation. When I speak of “light” I am talking about multiple ways of seeing something that come together. More emotional individuals may do more circular thinking where everything is defined in terms of everything else. More intellectually strong individuals may do linear thinking where we create hierarchies of understanding based on deduction. Intuitive individuals may ask that you trust their knowing in a situation because they cannot explain their truth. Other physically oriented individuals may have a gut instinct about what is right. Paradox unifies all of these disparate ways of knowing, not only within yourself, but also with your partner. The question then becomes: what stories do all of these perceptions tell us about our reality and what we’re dealing with?
Embracing Paradox means honoring the mystery of our circumstances. Distant defense style individuals are unwilling to even consider things that are not based on the five senses. Because we have a hard time integrating our own truth, we are even less trustful of the truth of others. We project a false certainty about the situation so that others are intimidated to even follow up and go deeper with us. This is because we are intuitively disconnected and intellectually disempowered because of our own doubts. The way we would grow to heal this aspect of ourselves is by seeing and accepting the wisdom in people around us in a way that enhances our own sense of wisdom, rather than threatening it. The more joyful and uplifted we can be when dealing with problems, the more open we could be to see the possibilities. What we need to remember is not to be cut off and closed down from the truth of others.
Dynamic defense style individuals use linear thinking processes to disconnect from participating with others emotionally or passionately. We use reasoning abilities to discount the realities of others around us making it the other individual’s problem that we perceive things that are not real. This has the effect of isolating us from others. The result is a lack of intimacy, joyful presence and growth. To embrace Paradox, we have to think in relational ways so that we see the connections of things rather than the separateness of things. This will empower us to see beyond the surface so we are willing to find our own truth on a deeper, internal level. The more we can develop and trust our own intuition, the more Paradox, ambiguity and chaos we will be able to deal with.
Disarming defense style individuals use circular thinking processes to describe how everything is related to everything else. It is hard for us to engage the linear thinking of others because it is not self-referenced in a way that we feel comfortable with. This has the effect of feeling we have to prove ourselves more than we know how in order to be successful with others. As a result, we try to act innocent, open and receptive to others even when we are not doing that for ourselves. To engage Paradox we need to deal with linear thinking by using logic and deduction to connect with others. The more we are able to both focus in a linear approach and see its correspondence in a relational approach, the more this multi-lingual capacity will support us talking and expressing Paradox in the world.
Paradox arises from the power of unity. When we become overly attached to analysis, it leads to a paralysis in our problem solving. By using Paradox as our foundation of connectedness, it promotes a sense of curiosity that allows us to understand the differences of others without getting locked into preconceived judgments that trap us. Learning to confront the unknown so that we can expand our thinking empowers us to solve problems in a more holistic way. The more we use our preconditioned patterns of thinking, the more we can’t even see the effects of the problems we are causing in each others lives. The result is a defensiveness that can be avoided if we confront and master Paradox.
Using Paradox to Heal Ourselves and Our World
- Step one is to accept and acknowledge that our position represents certain fragments of our self that are attempting to guarantee our survival and success whether we want to or not. This is our personality programming and these positions represent our conglomerations of needs and desires seeking superficially solid expression.
- Step two is to find the center point or place of neutrality where all these different elements with their fears and desires come into clear view. This is the place of the creative essence that is detached from the personality that can see and accept our programming. Effectively, from this point of view, we are the programmer.
- Step three examines each of these elements to find their inherent beauty and acknowledge the perfection of their design. Recognizing how our past experiences shaped our personality, we come to the realization that we are not as solid and secure as we once thought we were. Instead we see our attempts to correct perceived problems through more sophisticated behavioral response mechanisms. What is amazing is the intricacy of our personality design and how many layers of protection we have built.
- Step four begins to fulfill the objectives of each of these personality elements in a way that is more congruent by neutralizing their fears and desires. Instead of adding more layers of protection we begin to examine how our creative being can be more present and available to deal with circumstances as they arise. This requires that we recognize our fears and desires as they come up; that we can speak our truth; honor peoples’ way of being; and create solutions together. This means that from the point of view of the creative essence, we find more creative and fun ways to express to accomplish the same results without taking fixed positions.
- Step five directs any surplus charges that reflect our history into a self-healing process. This means that when situations come up that remind us of past circumstances, we can separate our current experience from the past and deal with it independently.
- Step six is being present, which allows us to engage our differences with others consciously, acknowledging the common desire to find creative ways to work together. Paradoxes provide the framework for discussion where we can acknowledge a mutual lesson that is currently out of sight in our experience. By mutually acknowledging a paradox we empower ourselves as co-creative individuals to heal whatever is in the way of our mutual solution.
- Step seven resolution of paradoxes produce Mutual Learning. This learning process begins with self-understanding but is held as mutual alignment on a higher level. It permits differences of perception within our larger framework of understanding. Paradox becomes the key path for examination of our larger contribution to the world and to our relationships.
The paradox game is to find our inconsistencies and incongruities in our truth that we hide underneath our positions.
Skill 8; Intuitive Discrimination (Making Choices In The Present Without Judgment)
Honoring a decision-making process as a naturally evolving organic expression allows us to let go of pre-established, pre-programmed approaches that discount our inner knowing. When we can do what is uncomfortable by following our nose to the best solution for everyone involved, then we will have proven that our transpersonal aspirations are a reality. The opposite of Intuitive Discrimination is judgment, where all possibilities are discounted in favor of what was accepted and known in the past. The damage of judgments is that they are not current. Instead, they focus us upon our past and our way of assessing things in the past. Judgments are not open, free flowing or likely to take into consideration possible new ways of seeing things in the moment. How can our consciousness evolve if it is given no opportunities to evolve?
Intuitive Discrimination is the second step, where acceptance in relationships allows us to deepen our connection with others. Intuitive Discrimination is the process of assembling all of our choices and possibilities in one place, so we can make a choice in the moment that is free of our past fears or concerns. It is also building on our Wisdom and Personality Detachment to embody the possibility that the right choice will arise and manifest perfectly without major interference from our safety and security issues. Intuitive Discrimination focuses us on our inner knowing by supporting us to see beyond the outer appearances of things. The more we master Intuitive Discrimination, the greater our ability to embrace Pregnant Duration, which reflects our ability to do problem solving.
There are three positions that minimize our inner knowing that reflect how we are attached to certain ways of being that minimize our ability to make clear and effective choices: 1) losing ourselves in appearances or Maya, where we believe we are our outer physical image (the Distant position); 2) getting attached to things as an alternative way to feel better about our selves (known as glamour), usually accomplished by confusing our thoughts with feelings (the Dynamic position); 3) getting lost in our thought process, where we get fixated on proving past beliefs at the cost of our present experience ( also known as illusion), which is where we confuse our intuition with our thoughts (the Disarming position).
The lesson of Intuitive Discrimination has to do with how, the more we judge others, the more we limit ourselves through the judgments we make. The more judgment we have about ourselves or about others, the less we trust any problem resolution answers and end up seeking answers by changing other people. If we cannot change other people, then we seek to control or limit their access to us for safety and security reasons. Ironically, the more people are attached to safety and security and the more we believe we have to make judgments to protect ourselves, the more we attract problems that can only be solved by letting go of the judgments we make. Unfortunately if we cannot change the process, we want to change the people. If that process does not work, we have to change our friends all of the time so we can live with our judgments. By being sensitive to the moment, we can discern intuitively the appropriate way to see an event.
Intuitive Discrimination is where we focus on expanding our choices and bring equilibrium to the pairs of opposites we call interdependent lessons. Interdependent lessons are those activities and ways of interacting where mutual problems can be embraced allowing us to support each other in solving some major issue. Interdependent lessons could be a partner who has problems embracing the autonomy of their children, which is complementary to the father’s inability to express his autonomy at work. Intuitive Discrimination allows us to see the patterns behind these activities so that, metaphorically, we can step into the shoes of another person and see the issues in a different way. Usually interdependent lessons allow us to open the door to our own growth by seeing a new piece of the puzzle by looking at our partner’s perspective.
Intuitive Discrimination allows us to choose, moment-to-moment, the appropriate response to any situation. When we truly discriminate, we discover the third neutral position where we resolve paradoxes without compromise. This is the spiritual use of the mind, as it reveals its higher creative functioning. While we are typically familiar with lower level functions of memory and its defensive and reactive survival programming, our minds have higher synthesizing and receptive functions that are now becoming evident in Spiritual Partnerships. Fully developed Intuitive Discrimination allows us to build an inner holographic portrait of the cosmos that lets us become co-creators in alignment with divine intent. The gift of Intuitive Discrimination is a magical sense that we can see patterns in the events around us.
Intuitive Discrimination is based on the accurate perception of a state of being—not form. It is the direct perception of the inner quality of being beneath appearances. It comes from concentration on the meaning or purpose of the individual being envisioned. The second element required is a good connection to our own soul or essence. It is our connection to our soul that permits us to connect to the soul of others. Identification with our soul supports Personality Detachment to reactive elements that would otherwise distort our connection, allowing us to know, without a doubt, another’s or our own soul’s highest or best expression. There is usually a huge difference between what the personality wants or needs and what is our highest soul expression.
It is important to remember that it is not our job to tell others our insights or perceptions about them. Doing so will typically create greater obstacles to their soul’s work. The most valuable contribution is to use this information to educate our actions with others, supporting their fullest personal expression. Otherwise, these distractions will slow our own development, because our own soul will not be able to trust that we will use our insights appropriately. The best we will be able to do is to sometimes see a common thread between their soul’s work and their personality expectations. In this situation, we could then make a suggestion about what we believe would assist in their unification with their soul. Remember, we can only make these suggestions if they are manifesting their highest expression of Autonomy.
Intuitive Discrimination involves a higher understanding of the goal fitness of a person to follow a course of action. It particularly guides us to knowing what is possible and what is not. It distinguishes the real from the not real and keeps us moving in appropriate ways to serve our life work. The greater clarity we have from using Intuitive Discrimination in our connections with others, for assessing the best path to fulfill our life work, the faster will be our progress. Insights into what is possible permit us to operate as if this possibility will come about, therefore encouraging and supporting its emergence. Confidence in our own observations and the increasing acuity about what they mean offers internal validation that the universe is developing according to a plan.
When you see individuals break out of their defenses and discover their true creative power, it provides the satisfaction that one more thread is coming into alignment. Intuitive Discrimination is about seeing how each thread relates to all the others around it. It occurs naturally when people get together that are compatible. It also occurs when conscious, discriminating individuals come together with dissimilar compatibility factors. They will know how to work together through their awareness of the differences. Instead of irritating each other, they will know how to present themselves in a way that will support the purpose of the group. One of the primary methods of distinguishing conscious from unconscious individuals is how they accept responsibility for how others interpret their presentations. This requires an understanding of compatibility factors so we can anticipate how people will respond to various approaches.
With Intuitive Discrimination it is important not only to know these factors, but also to know how these factors combine or don’t combine. Then it is possible to avoid these reactions by detaching ourselves from a habitual way of dealing with the situation, and choosing a different way to present what we want to say. It’s not what we say that hurts people, but typically how we say it. With some individuals it is even how they hear what we say, not actually what was said. Most of these blow-ups are predictable within the compatibility system, hence demonstrating the need for awareness of the compatibility factors.
While many individuals have insights or flashes of Intuitive Discrimination (especially during the Inner Success World View) we propose the possibility that Intuitive Discrimination can be an ongoing daily process that serves all of our interactions with people and all of our learning processes with media, information and technology. When we can do this, the underlying patterns become clear, revealing the structure that is holding back development, as well as the spirit, energy or quality that seeks expression.
It is our job as co-creators of our reality to find ways to give voice to this potential and bring together the necessary creative energies to facilitate evolution. Intuitive
Discrimination is how mankind will learn to see these opportunities. Individuals all over the world are currently developing Intuitive Discrimination through concentration, meditation and contemplation so that we will all soon be able to see ourselves as we truly are. In the light of day, we will learn to accept how our fears and personality desires warp our perspective and lead us to many poor decisions that we now regret. This process of owning our history, both personally and collectively, is our coming of age—where we finally recognize our potential.
Underneath our fears is the desire to contribute, create and synchronize us with others. While it would be easy to get caught up in trying to solve the world’s problems, the process begins with us solving our own problems. If we cannot discriminate between what is appropriate and what is not with people we meet, then we will never be able to integrate and share our creative powers with them. Simply stated, Intuitive Discrimination is the primary skill that we are learning in the western world in order to put aside our materialism. If we cannot find and express our creative source, then we are denied our destiny. It is possible that the destiny of mankind hangs in the balance for the lack of this skill. It is critical that we now develop our own abilities so we can create the possibility of a world that works for everyone.
This compatibility system offers a way to enhance Intuitive Discrimination skills by providing a framework to calibrate those skills. While many will start by trying to “figure out” these factors on a mental level, to increase our perceptiveness, we will need to shift our vision to the higher mental levels that are in touch with your soul. By practicing Intuitive Discrimination we will develop “Straight Knowledge” or a form of “Direct Knowing” where we see the underlying motivating energy behind a situation. Only inclusive intuitive thinking will lead to true and accurate Intuitive Discrimination skills. Without Intuitive Discrimination, glamour and illusions will prevail over inspired creativity, service and community integration.
Many of our students begin this work by memorizing the factors, options, and meanings of each of the compatibility factors. Through diligent work, self-analysis, and time with each person they want to read, they can reach an average accuracy level of 50%. It takes being able to read the inner light, and practice with an experienced guide, to increase our accuracy to over 80%. Individuals we have trained can perform these assessments from pictures with over 90% accuracy after a year of experience. The need for Intuitive Discrimination begins during the Relationship World View stage, where we become more selective as to what constitutes a synergistic relationship. We practice Intuitive Discrimination about what is appropriate for us as we move through the Inner Success World View stage. Finally, it reaches its fullest expression during the Personality Integration World View stage, where we learn to maintain our connection to our soul or essence awareness.
Skill 9: Intimacy (Being Present Under All Circumstances)
Honoring our ability to reflect and be with another increases our ability to reflect and be with ourselves. Intimacy is the commitment to honor others as we honor ourselves. Fundamentally this occurs by seeing the equality of each other on a spiritual or being level. The more we can accept and love ourselves, the more we can accept and love others. The opposite of intimacy is rejection, where we deny, discount, or demean others by our judgments, ignorance, or fear of being superseded. Intimacy is the third step where presence builds our ability to connect to others. Intimacy builds on growth and autonomy by allowing us to express ourselves and share our perceptions of the situation with others in a way that is safe and secure. In this way, we can begin to learn how to grow together.
Transformational Intimacy is when the love of another, and our love of them, transforms us. It assumes that there is mutual respect for each other, and that there is a commitment to create a safe, open and available relationship. Three different positions about intimacy close down the true affects of Intimacy in our life: 1) we can deny Intimacy by keeping both physical and emotional distance, so that we are not hurt by anyone anymore (the Distant position); 2) we can also act indifferent and deal with others in a non-personal way by keeping conversations superficial and un-engaging (the Dynamic position); 3) we can over-personalize the Intimacy by becoming sentimental, flighty and even “bliss-bunny” idealists by dropping everything in order to have our feelings (the Disarming position). The more we get over attached to our feelings, the less we develop ourselves.
The Intimacy skill has to do with learning to take a stand to engage others as they are. The more we reject our being, the more we fear others rejecting us, leading to not being willing to take the initiative in holding and honoring the being of others. When we are a conscious, autonomous individual, we recognize that we cannot be hurt by the rejection of others. In fact, rejection can be an interesting experience because it provides enormous insights into the fears of others. We discover that what is real cannot be hurt. The only way we can be hurt is to not stand in the truth of our experience and not have faith in the larger possibility that we can connect in ways that can be safe and secure for both parties.
What we are seeking is a sense of relationship integrity that both parties are committed to working together to create something larger outside the relationship. To accomplish this, they need to be able to tell their truth about their perceptions on physical and emotional levels and to be available to each other. Over time, we need to develop conflict resolution skills so that our commitment to a safe and secure connection with each other is not challenged or lost. The more we use the Common Neutral Ground as a frame of reference for creating a separate space for the relationship, the more our Intimacy is reflected in the relationship space.
While many people become concerned about protecting our partner’s from themselves or other issues in the world, it is not good to interfere with their process. This is damaging when we do, because 1) it assumes that they are somehow weaker than us and they need our help; 2) that they don’t have the power to deal with their problems in their own way; or, 3) that our helping them will be appreciated. Nothing can be further from the truth. We should, instead, let our partners request support from us when they want it, and not take this as a sign of weakness in any way. Rather, this is strength and Autonomy. What we want to emphasize is that the integrity of our relationship does not depend upon meeting or protecting the image of each other. Instead, it is open and ever changing, as we learn not only to grow together, but also to grow individually.
The key behind being intimate is the acceptance of ourselves. The more we love our self, the more we can be present and reflect our partners. The more we love ourselves, the more resistance there is to giving or receiving support. Instead, we learn how to honor the autonomy of the relationship space and treasure our interactions. This allows us to deal with upsets, frustrations or fears because each partner is first committed to sharing their truth and sharing it in a harmless way with each other. Only when this occurs do we have the possibility of intimacy, which is the acceptance of the truth of our partners as it is.
Ironically, we end up fearing rejection, rather than embracing it, because we become attached to the images others hold about us in order to reinforce who we are. When our own self-image is defined by us and not up for negotiation with others, we are immune to the opinions of others. Unfortunately, many individuals become attached to their self-image, which means that they cannot risk being themselves and are, thus, very sensitive to rejection. With good intimacy skills, we can meet others where they are without fear.
Since Intimacy is a mutual expression skill, we don’t experience it unless both of us are being intimate with each other. The whole idea behind Intimacy is to find a common place to meet and be seen by each other without judgment or fear. Any self-judgment we have automatically decreases the amount of Intimacy we experience with another. The experience of mutual Intimacy is limited only by the degree we deny paradox in our life. The more we are able to embrace paradox, the more able we are to hold mutual, different simultaneous truths in a place of wholeness, which we call the relationship. When we are not able to be seen by our partner because of their judgments about us, it causes fear and triggers self-criticism within us, such as “I have chosen the wrong partner” or “I don’t deserve the partner I’m with”. Usually, it is these limited Intimacy positions that triggers our rejection of both our Self and others.
Connect With Us
