Idealized Co-Creation

Idealized Co-Creation is a state of conditioning where we externalize the need for Co-Creation by requiring that others defer to our personal creative approach. Idealized Co-Creation occurs when we become fixated on how we want others to meet us in our creativity. An attachment to their responsiveness, or lack thereof, provides the rationalization for how we treat them. This reflects a lack of patience when they react to us in ways that are different from our own. When we cannot accept another’s way of engaging us, it is easy to blame them for what is not occurring, which lets us off the hook for not producing results. Ironically, many inventions occur through apparent accident, which reflects a stage of our evolution where very few of us are able to consciously co-create with others.

Historically, many inventors have struggled with Idealized Co-Creation within themselves, which means that there were times when they were open to seeing the larger possibilities and times when they were not. The real value in co-creating with another person is that their presence lets us take attention off our own sense of separation, allows us to see our circumstances from multiple perspectives. Idealized Co-Creation reflects our projection of how we want others to love us, so it is more revealing than Lust or Self-Serving Activity. The problem is that the more we idealize co-creating, the less we are actually co-creative. If we cannot assess when or where we meet in a co-creative way, it means that we are forever waiting for something outside of us to happen that makes a result possible.

The motive of Idealized Co-Creation operates from a context of falsely believing we are exploring and honoring common goals and beliefs. The challenge is that while Co-Creation is an internal experience, it also needs to be mirrored in the experience of others in order to be real as a co-creative effort. When we are attached to Co-Creating in particular ways, our lack of flexibility makes it easy to keep the experience from occurring. When both parties are unhappy and end up blaming each other for what occurs, it greatly diminishes our ability to be Co-Creative. Common issues that come up are that we end up believing that our partners cannot or will not do what is necessary, deny our input about how we can effectively and easily accomplish something, or believe that we should apply resources in a different way than us. In this way, instead of cooperating, our attempts at Co-Creation become competitive. To add insult to injury, we frequently find ourselves suggesting that our partners do not know how to serve the process as much as we do.

The hidden belief of Idealized Co-Creation is that “I fear that my contribution will be lost in the contributions of others”. We fall into the trap of believing that there is no way to distinguish our contribution fro others’ and therefore have no way to personalize or justify the effort we have made. This reflects deep attachments to the idea that we exist based on what we can see we accomplish. In other words, if we cannot see an individual accomplishment, we are effectively doing nothing. Another way of viewing this is that our personal activity is necessary to connect us to what we do in order to validate that we are alive. We further distance ourselves from Co-Creative Activity by needing to direct and control our contribution so we can maximize its impact. If our contribution is made in a state of harmony, it is harder to honor the value and effort because we have nothing to struggle with to justify our manifestation. It is our attachment to our personality, which actually minimizes our ability to operate synergistically with others. Finally, many individuals are attached to the idea of Co-Creation without having any real understanding of what it takes to manifest it with others. As a result, they do not know how to be responsive and engage the process so that it will create synergy.

Now we will address how to heal our Idealized Co-Creation conditioning. Sometimes, it is easier to fantasize about how we could Co-Create, rather than to be actually Co-Creating with others. When we withhold our desire to explore how to make things work together, we create resistance to what we are trying to accomplish. It is easier to believe our partners are sabotaging us, rather than to confront the possibility that we are sabotaging ourselves. Learning how to simultaneously engage our self on creative and personality levels are necessary in order to fully participate in a co-creation process. As long as we are attached to how others see us, we keep ourselves from fully showing up. This means we need to let go of any belief about our self-image so we can allow things to emerge that are not part of our current plan. We also need to balance being receptive to our partner with taking direct action, so we find a wholesome way to move together.

Let us release our ideas about how things need to be and discover in the moment what is the appropriate and most fulfilling solution to each situation. Let us learn how to show up awake, alert and energized, willing to take risks to discover new levels of creative possibilities. Let us release any attachment to a particular result and instead use the process to discover the best possible solution to the circumstances. When we can operate without the need to prove of value, we become open to exploring and discovering what will bring out the best in our self and others. Can we engage others creatively without being self preoccupied or scared of the unknown? Let us admit our vulnerability and be compassionate with our partners so they can connect without fear to us. This requires that we learn about our Self and modify our behavior to adapt to the situation. When our partner(s) and us have this capacity, the discovery process itself is a joyful one that leads to a Self-fulfilling, Self-supporting mutual expression.

What makes Idealized Co-Creation difficult is that we keep falling back into expectations about how things should be when this itself is part of the problem. The only way to do Co-Creation is to break the expectations and stereotypes about how this should be done. Otherwise, we just build more fantasies about how we are doing it. Co-Creation requires stirring up the pot and looking for new ways to engage each other, beyond our control. We need to put ourselves in positions where we do not know and are surprised by the result. Otherwise, we get lost in our ideas about what is happening and do not actually take ownership as a Co-Creative Being of our creativity with others.

The key quality that permits us to effectively Co-Create with another is patience. With patience, we stop going through the outer motions, because we know that it is our intent that manifests results, and not the appearance of intent. With patience, beauty emerges that ignites our passions and supports our full expression. With patience, we can first be seen by our Co-Creators so that we can synch up through the communication process. This naturally leads to an enhanced inner presence, which allows us to create a space to manifest our creation. Finally, we learn how to hold our intent through time by paying attention to what is needed and when it is needed. This allows the creative activity to produce results that supersede the existing input. We call this synergy.

The three belief structures of Romance, Motives, and Love particularly support Idealized Co-Creation when we externalize our beliefs in a way that interferes with the free flow of energy and inspiration. The more fixed we are on what we have or what we know as substitutes for creative participation, the more we fall into belief structures that do not serve our growth and development. Instead, we require others to respond to our creative engagement invitations in a fix manner. This occurs in romantic ways when we idealize how perfect our partner is in serving and supporting our growth. This sets us up to expand on our idea of how great they are so we do not see their weaknesses or honor our true need to contribute openly. It is easier to fantasize how things will be much better and, therefore, will require less from us when, in fact, we need to be responsible for our own progress and process. When we begin to be more conscious about our partnership potential, we are likely to be amazed by how much easier it is to deal with people who are more aligned with us. Sometimes this may lead us to believe the process will be much easier (which it can be), and so we become lethargic and think we can skate through it effortlessly. This is a mistake. Without our conscious engagement, things will not evolve and progress. This is why the step up from Idealized Co-Creation is called Conscious Participation.

The more we fixate on the resourcefulness of others as a primary way justify being in the relationship, the less we concentrate on what we ourselves bring to the relationship and how we can be supportive of the process. The more relationships we have, the greater versatility we develop in meeting others where they are. We call this quality of being present and responsive resourcefulness. When we are unconscious, we tend to believe resourcefulness is an outer process where skills permit us to take action. The more conscious we are, the more we discover that resourcefulness is really an inner process where we are able to connect to our Self on a creative level and then meet others in their own creative natures. Without this distinction, the alignment we experience will be limited to freeing us from our past fears of being compromised, and yet will not let us fulfill the possibility of a deeper connection. This is why, when we fall into the trap of trying to avoid past

relationship patterns, we do not understand how important it is to engage others for who they are and not for who we fear they could be.

Spiritual romance is about being present with partners as they are. When we idealize people, we distance ourselves from them and, therefore, create a demand for them to live up to our expectations. This creates stressful relationships rather than conscious ones. We can validate this to the degree that we are relaxed with our partner. When we cannot relax, it is usually because we are not telling our complete truth about what we need or have idealized expectations that are not being fulfilled. When we are able to consciously engage, we shift out of idealized Co-Creation and can spontaneously and serendipitously create ways that facilitate a energetic flow and as ease of Co-Creation. The paradox is that, the more we make this a goal, the further we distance ourselves from it. We need to be present with our creative nature and share it with others rather than imposing it on them to be fully effective.

When we assume we share common goals and beliefs with our partner and this turns out to be inaccurate, it creates a repulsion within us that minimizes our motivation to connect. Usually, we believe the differences in perception we have between what we thought the person was and what they truly are means the other person has to change. It really reflects that we have to recognize that we are idealizing them in a way that keeps them from fulfilling their own natural growth. It is much more conscious and effective to honor our true authentic motives and process than to continually project our way of doing something on our partner and then becoming upset when they do not respond as we want them to. We need to distinguish between our idealized view of them and who they naturally are and not use the differences to make them a scapegoat. Of course, it is much easier to make them wrong than it is to confront our own inaccurate projections.

It is ironic that we get so fixated on outer results when we are usually not paying attention to the inner results we want to create. Under the façade of Idealized Co-Creation is the fear and belief that our creativity may not serve our connection with the person before us. This really reflects our inability to love ourselves completely when shows up as an inability to love others as they are. In other words, whenever we see something we hate in others, it reflects something we have not yet loved in ourselves.  If we notice, we can use the repulsions we find in others as a way to identify where our fears and “Withholds” are so we can heal ourselves. In this way engaging “our withholds” is a great way to reveal our creative denial. Wherever we see a lack of creativity in others and feel helpless to do anything about it, it actually reflects a disconnection within our Self such that we have inappropriate, false beliefs about how we operate. We can see this by asking the question, “Why are we reactive to another’s lack of expression, unless we feel limited in expressing this issue within ourselves?”

This type of mirroring reaches the “zenith of its expression” with others are unable to reciprocate our outward to being creative with them. Some people cannot respond to the circumstances or the situation. Instead, they will react to their own lack of internal balance and look for justifications as to why they cannot accomplish this co-creative act at this time. This is the most common experience in today’s world where we lack Self-Love and an understanding of our own creative nature. Our presence can be a great catalyst for them to understand that they do have the creative power to engage us or it can be a great reminder of what they are unwilling or unable to engage. Conscious people work on manifesting their Creative Being with each other, hopefully within a Common Neutral Ground structure. This way each individual’s autonomy is preserved in a way that maximizes the independence of the third neutral space. The “third space” is the result of two autonomous individuals, honoring their own space, and expanding beyond this space to meet each other in a common ground. Autonomous Co-Creation can only occur when we honor this third mutual space.

It is difficult for many people to distinguish between the idealization of this space and the true experience of it. It requires us to be able to distinguish a personal space, which we manifest and control, to a transpersonal space where we have no ultimate control. When this distinction is unclear, it is easy to believe that taking care of our partner is being of service to them. What reveals our caretaking is the motive behind it, which is usually Self-Serving Activity. True Service has no personal attachment or need associated with it. When we operate in true service, we are being transpersonal and defining ourselves in terms of larger goals that uplift our personal mission. In short, we are working in an environment that is larger than we are. We are seeking solutions that reflect our ability to take care of our own needs separately. In this way, true service is a growth process that lets us unify the powers of Transmutation, Transformation, and Transfiguration in a Co-Creative manner. This process is self-revealing, self-reorienting, and ultimately self-reorganizing as we manifest ways to be aligned with Universal Intent and Expression.

From this perspective, we are grateful when others do not respond to us and run away from the creative opportunities we offer them. They are unambiguously choosing not to be involved in things we are engaging. It is better to know this and accept it than to continually try to engage them and hope their response changes. Unfortunately, when we are in Idealized Co-Creation, we do not want to accept their inability to engage us the way we want them to. We keep hoping that somehow they will connect with the process in a way that shifts their inability to connect. Since it is not our job to define their lessons or determine their interests, this way of interacting becomes a form of caretaking. Of course, we can get caught up in it by believing that somehow it our job to support others in ways they unwilling to support themselves. We can see that this is inappropriate when we realize that our motive is in some way self-serving because we have idealized the other person.

The paradox of Idealized Co-Creation is that, when we go unconscious, our beliefs in what we want actually keep us from creating what we want. This happens because we get caught up in our personality point of view, which emphasizes what we do and how we are acting in or directing the process. A transpersonal point of view lets us see other perspectives than our own and allows to operate independently of our personal needs. In short, we are not compromising the choices we make based on our personal needs. This way the choices are aligned with Universal Intent for this particular situation. For this to occur, we need to identify with our connection to the Universe and be present in our ability to trust and unify our Self with others. While it is simplistic to say that our love of our Self lets us create our own Safety and Security, it is actually our love of our Self that allows us to Trust and be in Unity with ourselves and empowers our ability to be Co-Creative with others. It is our ability to Trust ourselves that comes from our desire to see that the Universe trusts us to be an expression of its fulfillment. This allows us to manifest a Trust in ourselves and create our Safety in any circumstance. It is our ability to be in Unity with the Universal Intent that allows us to build a sense of Unity within ourselves. This allows us to create our Security in whatever we do.

As we have seen in the lower levels of Motives, the unifying middle motive, which is a combination of the masculine and feminine approaches, can only express itself to the degree that both sides equally engaged. In other words, we can only do Idealized Co-Creation to the degree that we are engaging both Idealized Trust and Idealized Unity. In Idealized Trust, we confront the reality that who we are physically and the possessions we have do not represent our True Nature. In Idealized Unity, we confront the reality that our idea of ourselves may be interfering with our ability to be with others. In Idealized Co-Creation, any vestiges of how our possessions make us who we are or how our ideas make us valuable create a much larger framework of self-delusion. It is paradoxical that on certain levels, we feel assured and secure that what we have done or how we have developed ourselves is who we are, while simultaneously encountering the reality that we are not our possessions or ideas. When we come to grips with what Idealized Co-Creation really is, we ultimately see that who we are is a reflection of our natural contribution and creativity, not how we want to envision our contribution.

The hidden denied belief is the default assumption that we operate from when we are not present with our Self or others. Under stress, we doubt our contribution and further we doubt the ability of others to meet us where we are. This reflects that we are operating in an idealized manner and are not seeing partners around us as they really are. When we lose our creative connection to ourselves, the default personality framework asserts itself and we go on “automatic pilot” to try to maximize what we are receiving in the world. This reflects the personality’s view of scarcity and that our natural creativity cannot and will not be honored by others. In essence, we believe we must constantly protect ourselves and so therefore we project a false persona that gets in the way of interacting with people creatively. The irony is that, when things do not work out, we do not reexamine what is not working within us, we examine what is not working with others around us. By constantly trying to “whitewash” the situation and put our best foot forward, we never establish a co-creative flow or have communion experiences where the result is larger than any individual’s contribution.

Paradoxically, Idealized Co-Creation commonly shows up as a problem-solving capability that never really solves problems. In others words, our fixation on solving the problems actually reinforces the unexpressed and unfulfilled personality fears and desires to the point where we see consistently diminishing results. This reflects how our personality identity, also know as our survival and success mechanism, has reached the limit of its capacity to deal with the circumstances. We need to break out of this self-serving cycle to find creative and more transpersonal ways to engage others. The key to this reorientation process is to engage the beauty of each situation as it is. This does not mean we idealize the beauty, but that we are able to energetically present with it as it is and see its perfection. Only when we can let go of the need for results, will results naturally show up.

Beauty helps us come into communion with each other because it is a common awe-inspiring event is both people participate in the process and simultaneously experience beauty together. This is because beauty cannot be perceived by the personality in anything more than a tactical or strategic response to the situation. Beauty takes us out of our mind and into the presence of our heart in a way that lets others be enthusiastic about it as well. The three obstacles to seeing beauty in this expanded way are the personality’s need to make beauty serve it, our inability to directly perceive beauty without the need to envision ourselves as part of the process, and our lack of ability to see the perfection of what is, which allows us to Unify with the Beauty.

The first obstacle to being with Beauty, is making Beauty serve the personality survival and success mechanism, resulting in everything being interpreted in a materialistic manner. This reflects how we have not honored our creativity and have been trapped in a denied grief about this lose. In a way we now use materialism to justify how we do not want to be fooled by outer circumstances. The paradox is that we over-identify with outer circumstances to keep ourselves from being disappointed by our inability to go beyond materialistic ideals. This struggle reflects our lack trust in our Self or the Universe. We need to release the grief that has come about from denying our Creative Self. Occasionally this denial has grown into a self-hatred because of the way we have denied ourselves to please others. The compromise is that role-playing distances us from our own creative nature. Until we accept our own creative nature, it will be hard to accept it in others around us and let them choose how to be involved with us. Co-Creation, therefore, requires the full expression of free will in order to paradoxically fill its transpersonal intent. In simpler terms, we need to be associated with the common good and see the greater benefit of serving the common good rather than in serving our separative needs.

The second obstacle to being with Beauty, that of over-idealized unity where we learn how to transcend our identification with any object as an ideal symbol and be present with it energetically, is also known as Straight Knowing. Straight knowing is being in direct communion with something without thought. In any awe-inspiring experience of Beauty, we are transported into a difference framework where our being present with it is sufficient so that our experience of it is guided by something outside of us and not colored by our perception of it. The lack of distinctions in this experience truly lets us experience our wholeness, which is the hallmark of this type of knowing. Every time we place ourselves in a framework where we are appreciating Beauty, it changes what we perceive. This is polarized, dualistic thinking. In effect, we are struggling to interpret what we are seeing and trying to mediate the differences between what we are seeing and experiencing. What we would like to be able to do is to directly perceive something without having to idealize it or symbolically define it in a particular way. Beauty supports us in being present with things without our being defined be our perception of it.

The third obstacle to being with Beauty, that of denying the perfection of what is, which prevents us from unifying with it, arises from our personality’s need to be able to judge and discriminate between right and wrong. If we can see the perfection of what exists, it relieves us of any need to operate in a dualistic, judgmental fashion where we have to understand it in a particular way to be right. If there were no need to be right and no need to judge it, it would be as the Taoist philosophers have said, “what it is.” Since communication is primarily concerned with objects, subjects, and causality, it has no transcendental acceptance of what is just as it is. Even the objectification of qualities or the creating of a description upsets the natural order or perfection of what actually is. This usually happens because, in our need to manage our lives, we operate in an overly reductionist manner. Reductionism is the need to apply what we think we know to what we see, not realizing that it is not necessary “to outwardly know” what we know in every situation. Reductionism arises from the personalities need to interpret its experience in a way that provides the appearance of power in our life. This creative reductionism creates a disconnection from any particular thing we are observing. It distances us from all experiences. With Straight Knowing we may not be able to describe the experience, but we are graced with a much larger unifying experience. When we are in Unity and with ourselves, we are able to be in Unity with everything around us and, therefore, can appreciate the thing as it is.

By piercing the veil of these obstacles by acting in more direct ways, we actually experience a cooperation with the Universe and, therefore, become by extension an agent of its expression. In this way, we co-create with every aspect of the Universe, not just with people. Our presence awakens the consciousness of things around us and allows them to more effectively coordinate the manifestation of creative possibilities around us. As a result, we experience greater serendipity and resonance in the people and circumstances we attract into our lives. Our ability to engage what shows up becomes a discipline that allows us to see the beauty in what occurs so we are able to bloom in unexpected ways. In this way, the Beauty within us emerges to match the Beauty we see around us. Beauty, inwardly and outwardly, is the essence of true Co-Creation and leads us into the experience of conscious participation with all that exists.

Navaho Blessed Beauty Way Prayer
Great Spirit, may we walk in Beauty.
May Beauty be above us so that we dream of Beauty.
May Beauty be in front of us so that we are led by Beauty.
May Beauty be to the left of us so that we may receive Beauty.
May Beauty be to the right of us so that we may give out Beauty.
May Beauty be behind us so that those who come after us may see Beauty.
May Beauty be inside us so that we might become Beauty.
Great Spirit, may we walk in Beauty.

As taught to Harley Swift Deer Regan by Grandfather Tom Two Bears Wilson,
President of Navaho Native American Church as across from the front cover flap of
Women of the Light, The New Sacred Prostitute, Edited by Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D.
1994, Secret Garden.