Feminine Skills

The Structure of the Skills-Building Process

The twelve skills are connected in a certain pattern that represents how we embody them over time. There are four levels of skills – 1) Gender Identity; 2) Individuation; 3) Connection and 4) Higher Alignment, which are referenced in the diagram, The Four Levels of Skills. At each level, there are three steps to complete each cycle. The steps are: 1) Pleasure; 2) Acceptance; and 3) Self-Expression. This reflects how we are attracted to something because it is pleasurable, how we learn to grapple with it so that we can accept it within ourselves, and finally allowing us to be more present and embodied within it. We explain how these levels build on each other more fully in the diagram, Relationship Growth Cycle.

As mentioned, this structure creates four levels, with three steps to each level. This chart is numbered from one to twelve, highlighting the optimum process to maximize our skills development. Unfortunately, because of our attachments to defensive positions, many of us have been closed down in particular areas, which limits our ability to grow in an optimum way. Therefore, it is best to work through this process systematically to recover our ability to embody these skills in a complete way.

An engagement process initiates each relationship growth cycle where individuals receive some pleasure for going deeper in their own process. The more they accept the Embodiment Skill (second step), the more we are able to transform these first two steps into an integrated presence where we express ourselves more fully. For example, Aliveness gets balanced with Wisdom to produce Growth. We are not able to express our presence fully in the third step if Aliveness and Wisdom are not simultaneously embodied in a balanced way. Another example of this process is combining Playfulness with Personality Detachment to produce Autonomy. The Playfulness is the way that we engage others without being attached to our reactions. This is offset by our Personality Detachment, where we hold ourselves back on a personality level so that we have a choice about how to express our Autonomy overall.

Each column, from bottom to top, requires the skill beneath it in order to embody the one above it. For example, Aliveness empowers Playfulness; Playfulness empowers Paradox, and Paradox empowers Mutual Learning. In the second column, Wisdom is required for Personality Detachment; Personality Detachment is required for full Intuitive Discrimination. Intuitive Discrimination is required for Physical Discernment. Finally, in the last column, Growth is a prerequisite for Autonomy; Autonomy is required for Intimacy and Intimacy is required for Co-Creativity.

We can also recognize our lack of skills by how much we are attached to beliefs that diminish our skills in action. For example, the Relationship Diagnostics Diagram shows the opposite of each of the skills, known as that skill’s neutralizer, and how we lose ourselves in our positions about who we are. The more we associate with excitement, intensity, inertia, seriousness, confusion, co-dependence, certainty, judgment, rejection, unilateral action, untrustworthiness and imitation, the more obstacles we will have in embodying our skills. This points out that many of us have developed defensive positions that we believe protect us from others, when in fact they limit our expression of our own power. In fact, each of the three defenses has its own specific way of trying to get leverage, both to protect itself, and to maximize the pain of others in the way of our goals.

Twelve Attractions

Attractions reflect opportunities for self-Acceptance and Growth. When we feel attracted to someone, it represents either a creative opportunity to manifest something or a reflection of an aspect of ourselves we have internally denied. Conscious attraction opportunities occur when we are identified with our Creative Self and can engage others where they are. A Conscious or internally generated attraction can be clearly articulated and acted upon in a congruent manner. When we express Conscious attractions, we work with the Universe (to mutually create an outcome) without becoming polarized by the interaction. This reflects our ability to engage Paradox and playfully discover those choices that do not negatively affect others. Conscious attractions are inside out ways of being that honor mutual Creativity, while outside in “attractions” fulfill personality needs (which only increase perceived Safety and Security). Conscious attractions produce Connections that occur without effort, pressure or attachment, whereas Unconscious attractions increase effort and pressure and create co-dependent relationships with little or no Growth possibilities.

In an Unconscious attraction, we feel Resistance with ourselves, which we project on our Partner. This is due to the dualistic nature of Unconscious attractions, where we automatically fear what we are attracted to while simultaneously desiring what the attraction represents to us. If we could be present (aligned internally and externally) to our attractions, we would be able to manifest whatever is in Alignment with Universal Intent. It is our personality Fears and Desires that separate us from our Creative Being, leaving us to externalize our attractions in ways that do not fulfill us. The dirty little secret about Unconscious attractions is that when we fulfill our Personality Desires, it commonly leads to the realization that our Partner is not who we expected them to be.Unconscious attractions (Desires) represent denied aspects of our Personality Self. Because we are experiencing a disconnection from our creative source, we automatically generate a personality fear and desire. We then seek out individuals who reassure or help us reestablish this Connection with lost or confused parts of ourselves.

Projections of attraction are often anchored by physical attributes (which represent Safety), particular qualities (that represent Security) or specific lessons (that represent how we wish to grow or avoid Growth). The more we externalize our attractions, the more we are at the effect of them, creating a vicious Cycle where we never seem to keep up. When we can Consciously integrate our attractions so that we manifest them from the inside out, we are no longer operating from personality fear and desire. Instead we are creating what is needed to be a contributor in the world. This is the primary difference between Unconscious attractions (personality based) and Conscious attractions (sourced by our Creative Self). We operate from our wholeness and abundance as a Creative Being or a personality healing itself by recognizing the nature and meaning of our Unconscious attractions.

Engaging Attractions

Unconscious attractions are based on physical sexual chemistry, Intellectual perceptions of power and idealized personal Projections of what we want, but feel we have been denied. With Unconscious attractions we need to know that our interest will be reciprocated or that our Partner will be beholden to us in some other way. Our Safety Fear is that we will be objectified, discounted and rejected. Our Safety Desire is to be accepted and adored. Our Security Fear is that we will not be heard or considered a valuable contributor. Our Security desire is to gain the approval of others and be admired. All personality issues operate in dualities where we believe we need to eliminate the downside risk and take action to consolidate our gains. Since personality Survival and outer success mechanisms work constantly to maintain positive self-image, we feel uncomfortable when we are perceived as selfish, self-centered, unfairly competitive or incapable of fulfilling the needs of others. Our personality avoids these perceptions (as much as possible) by superficially appearing to take care of our Partner, minimizing discussions about the negative downside of attractions (by not speaking of them). Our personality accomplishes this by attempting to get what it wants while minimizing what we need to give in return.

In the diagram Conscious vs. Unconscious Attractions for more clarity about the twelve kinds of attraction. The first way we get trapped in Unconscious attractions is when we qualify a Partner based on their sexiness, smartness and/or reliability (congruent personality expression). When we are Conscious, it is important to distinguish between another’s outer appearance and our perception of their appearance. There is a difference. All we can address is our perceptions, which may or may not reflect, with accuracy, their Experience or self-perception. Otherwise, we get caught believing that their appearance makes them attractive to us. This means we have no choice in the matter. On the Instinctive level, these three choices

about Sexiness, Smartness and/or Reliability must take into account our self-perceptions and relationship to our Creative Self to be fully seen and appreciated. The observer, or Creative Self, changes what is perceived because it unifies and eliminates our personality Fears and Desires.

This creative process is compromised the more we believe there is an outer standard or expectation that trumps our own truth. Generally, we seek Partners who make us feel better about ourselves, and who represent and reflect the type of person with whom we wish to be associated. It is more risky for us to choose individuals that do not reflect these standards unless we have lowered expectations about our choices or have defined ourselves in unique ways that complement their uniqueness. The former reflects we are still attempting to individuate ourselves. The latter indicates we have individuated ourselves and no longer need the agreement of others to pursue our own natural attractions. As we become more aware, we move from Instinctive Packaging to Quality Leveraging to Lesson Congruence and Creative Connection.

This creative process is compromised the more we believe there is an outer standard or expectation that trumps our own truth. Generally, we seek Partners who make us feel better about ourselves, and who represent and reflect the type of person with whom we wish to be associated. It is more risky for us to choose individuals that do not reflect these standards unless we have lowered expectations about our choices or have defined ourselves in unique ways that complement their uniqueness. The former reflects we are still attempting to individuate ourselves. The latter indicates we have individuated ourselves and no longer need the agreement of others to pursue our own natural attractions. As we become more aware, we move from Instinctive Packaging to Quality Leveraging to Lesson Congruence and Creative Connection.