Defining A Common Neutral Ground

CNG stands for Common Neutral Ground. In 1987 we began talking about Common Neutral Ground, emphasizing the ‘neutral’ part. This means we describe Common Neutral Ground as a place where our personal opinions do not preempt our energetic connection. We also started using the word ‘transpersonal’ to describe this experience of going beyond one’s personal considerations in order to interact with others. Transpersonal indicates that we acknowledge a connection no matter the differences. This way of interconnecting without judgment promotes wholeness and Communion, which allows us to shift our perspective from safety and security personality programming to an open, authentic Co-Creative framework. From this new ‘Self’ conscious perspective, we notice and honor our boundaries and the boundaries of others. The more we manifest this experience the more it becomes our daily reality. CNG is a way to honor our creative decision making so we naturally minimize compromise and reactions.

We define the CNG as a separate space where we can explore differences and uncomfortable similarities without fearing repercussions that could diminish the relationship. By creating conscious energetic boundaries, we build integrity and clarity in supporting ourselves. CNG informs us of how to be neutral and hold our personal Autonomy when others are in crisis. The more we are aware of possible differences, the better prepared we are to deal with them. The aspiration for a CNG is to create clear boundaries where individuals do not inappropriately take on the problems of others. Over time, CNG has become the central and unifying energetic practice for Alignment Technologies. As it has matured, CNG has become a way for us to see the traumas of life without diminishing our ability to create positive outcomes. The more proficient we become, the greater Intimacy and Co-Creativity we experience. It is by using this technology that we can fulfill the promise of creating conscious relationships.

Common Neutral Ground is embodied in a series of steps where we learn how to maximize our Life, Light and Love energies. By affirming Life energy, we can use our body Sensations and Feelings to clarify our Intent. As our body wisdom grows, we break our conditioning and challenge our Excitement and instinctive Attractions. This permits us to become more expressive of our authentic Creative Nature by manifesting greater physical alignment. By affirming Light energy, we use our Emotions and Thoughts to take ownership of our Truth. Instead of only listening to others, we begin to listen to ourselves and challenge the voices of our fixed, defensive Positions. We become more aware of higher Attractions that transform our personal understanding into a transpersonal embodiment. By affirming Love energy, we use our Feelings and Emotions to build our intuition and accept ourselves as Creative Beings. Our skills teach us how to explore the opportunities of relationships so that we are able to easily align with others. The more we can love ourselves as we are, the easier it is to be with others who are similar allowing the experience of synergistic alignment. CNG is a way to robustly create a path where we grow with others to become larger contributors in the world.

CNG is an exercise of will. The will to consistently act, know and be in conscious relationship with others. This is not only a personal will, but also a transpersonal desire to fulfill our destiny. We embody this process with the intent of being harmless and conscious of the impact we have on others. Our experience of the CNG teaches us the difficulties we have in making this commitment. Some of us may fear growth, which minimizes the energy we have to act. Others may confront their fear that they will not be in control in a CNG. Some may not have the skills to engage others effectively. This reveals that our will has become passive or over-personalized (where we demand more of others than is appropriate), or indicates we do not know what we want. We may be trying to avoid responsibility for our creative destiny by not listening to our intuition. When we align our intent with Universal Intent (by seeking the common, greater good) we expand our ability to influence others by aligning our desires. What CNG demonstrates is that we can be ourselves and make a creative difference in our world by respecting and aligning mutual possibilities. This is how Co-Creative individuals succeed.

In a CNG, we learn how to balance and neutralize our fears, not letting our personality desires overtake us. We accomplish this by challenging our assumptions and changing our actions. Most importantly, we take responsibility for the impact we have on those around us. We learn how our Defenses blind us to the reactions of others, thus learning how to become harmless. Perhaps the best way of doing this is by eliminating unconscious actions. Automatic behavior is conditioning that leads to the wrong kind of relationships. Reorientation, where we manifest our own safety and security by taking personal responsibility, supports us in responding rather than reacting. We confront our fear of others reactions and our unwillingness to risk rejection. This frees us up from making big mistakes based on false appearances. Making a commitment to being in a CNG requires, at minimum, the desire to grow and learn from our life. This is the cost and reward of being conscious.

What gets in the way of relating to others is self judgment and our fear of judgment by partners, friends, business associates or family. How we unconsciously react to this disconnection is the source of most of our problems. If we did not judge others, we would not feel it necessary to take on the judgment of others. What we do to others is ultimately returned to us, as universal balance is maintained by opening ourselves to the experience we are defensively trying to avoid. By diving into our fears, we recover our connection to the universe. Trying to avoid our fears, we attract them to us. It is empowering to realize that we are not here by accident. We have a purpose and a function that will reveal itself by following our natural Creative Being. We cannot hide our Life, Light and Love energies behind Defenses and still manifest a fulfilling life. The key is to commit to our own natural growth and evolution. Otherwise, we will be lost in confusion and chaos, unable to declare ourselves and fully move forward.

Many of us are still dealing with unconscious reactions in others, putting us at a disadvantage in all of our relationships. We find ourselves dealing with Contraction, Control and Caretaking in order to get through each day. When others Contract, the cause is either a fear of the unknown or an attempt to manipulate us by playing hard to get. This type of behavior produces an energetic hit. When others control us, it is either driven by a fear that they will not succeed unless they take complete charge, or it is an attempt to hide their imperfection by goading us to take greater responsibility. This always distorts our sense of timing because Controllers contribute, in their mind, by pushing things forward. When others Caretake us, it is either a fear of rejection that drives them to accommodate us, or a fear of self-rejection that has them put all of their attention on others. This creates an enmeshment pattern where become drained.

When others Contract, we learn to step it up and become more Enrolling or Exuberant. They respond with being Selective or Prescriptive. This creates a disengagement pattern where we want others to want us, but we do not want them to have us. This is commonly called the push/pull dynamic of telling them to come closer, but also pushing them away. When others Control, we learn to step up and become more Exuberant or Prescriptive. They respond with being Selective or Enrolling in their own way. This creates a demarcation between how we think we contribute versus how they feel they contribute. Both of us are operating under the delusion that we have the best position. When others Caretake, we step up by becoming Selective and Prescriptive. They respond with Exuberant and Enrollment opportunities. In this situation, one of the parties is enmeshed and the other is co-dependent. These are examples of automatic, instinctive role-playing that guarantees that a good portion of our relationships will be defined by our Fears. This happens in families, romantic relationships and business situations.

Unconscious relationships are based on expectations, role-playing and compromise.  Selectives often feel intruded upon by family members and prefer unambiguous boundaries and guidelines. Usually, to feel safe, we seek greater propriety and established structures of interaction. While we are attracted and Excited by certain individuals, we believe that people can be deceptive, which is in contrast to our comparative innocence and naiveté. As a result, we are cautious. We find Enrollers particularly challenging when they attempt to convince us that everything will be better if we just trust them. When we do, we live to regret it, making us even more Selective. We keep attempting to be seen, only to attract more individuals who want to use us and forget us. This manifests as a dilemma between taking risks and being hurt occasionally, thinking that no one matches our needs and expectations. In turn, we become more jaded when they prove this to be true.

Enrollers, the polar opposite of Selectives, main issue is proving that they can choose whatever they want and make it work. Sometimes this involves a little Seduction and persuasive engagement. While Selectives are fearful of making the wrong choice, Enrollers will vacillate between flattering comments and suggestions of how things could be much better with them. Enrollers use their desire to stimulate Excitement in potential partners. Selectives usually play hard to get in order to preserve their options.

Enrollers become experts in overcoming this resistance by demonstrating how great they are. Enrollers learn to say exactly what others want to hear. It is important to note that Enrollers may present as outwardly confident, covering up considerable insecurity and self-doubt. Sometimes this hidden sensitivity enables Enrollers to see the weaknesses of others. This allows them to know exactly what to say to allay the fears of Selectives. One big difference between Enrollers and Prescriptives is that Prescriptives analyze everything on an intellectual level and do not mind some degree of disagreement. Enrollers cannot stand disagreements and are more subtle in minimizing them physically, emotionally and/or mentally, depending on which will best be received.

Exuberant individuals use their passion and emotional connection to create some degree of closeness or alignment with others. We bring out and display our best self so that others will relax and find us entertaining. Naturally oriented to seeing both our and others potential enables us to rescue and reassure others. This hides our doubt that we can change as much of the world as we would like. We become extremely sensitive to how others see us, particularly when it is different from how we see ourselves. Anxiety is the result, as we feel split between our expectations and the expectations of others. This becomes acute when others do not respond or readjust their perspectives when we share our truth. The more we feel unseen, the more we attempt to prove that we are as good as we say we are. We are often repulsed by individuals showing a lack of compassion and empathy. Before we get to this point, we try to support individuals (or even rescue them) who tend to deny or diminish their potential. This is why we have such an attraction/repulsion relationship with Prescriptives. Since we can see and feel that they need us, we falsely believe that they would appreciate all we could do for them. We believe that with us, they can be seen and have less Intensity. This distracts us from our own Anxiety. Unfortunately, our ‘niceness’ only emphasizes their ‘toughness,’ which causes criticalness and negative self-comparisons.

Prescriptive individuals use their cleverness and intellectual complexity to stimulate others, wanting others to see our insightfulness as a major contribution. The key issue is whether others see our intelligence and honor our unique perspective. Otherwise, we realize that our prickliness can put people off or push them away. What we do not want to admit is that we are demanding or intimidating, but this is the reputation we earn with our investigation proclivities. One of the hardest things for us is being ignored or considered inconsequential. Since we see ourselves as ‘movers and shakers’ we are used to making fast decisions and having clear standards. When this becomes default-thinking (repeating previous patterns) where we do not consider all the options, we get into trouble. The more we operate with Intensity because we are experiencing conflict (both internally and externally) the more we get entangled in the problem and cannot see a way out. Prescriptives believe we can hide our Intensity, asserting that we just need to make a greater effort to overcome our problems. What we actually need (as any Exuberant will tell you) is a more spacious and timeless way of addressing our problems. We need to think differently, learning how to accept support and not overdo Control. Otherwise, being the most responsible person in a relationship becomes an unnecessary burden. 

While most individuals can identify themselves in at least one of these patterns, some of us (particularly the Enrollers) can become good at all of them. This gives us greater flexibility to shift out of something that is not working for our partner in order to get back on track in meeting the expectations of our partner. Another way of assessing where we are in these patterns is to recognize that if we are scared of Excitement, but looking for it all the same, we are Selective. If we are doing Excitement with a little Intensity, Anxiety added in, it is likely that we are an Enroller. If our primary issue is some Excitement and a lot of Intensity, we are Prescriptive. If our primary issue is a lot of Excitement and Anxiety, we are an Exuberant. The problem with Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety is that they end up being substitutes for Life, Light and Love energies.

The more we do Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety, and even define ourselves in terms of these experiences, the less we are able to choose our own path in relationships. This is because we are at the effect of how our experience and the experience of our partners interact. Since we are not choosing to relate to individuals, but are looking for individuals to fit our Expectations, Desires and Intentions, we are never quite sure in unconscious relationships what will change in either of us. Since we do not know how to be stable in our own experience and our partner is also not typically stable, there are too many variables that can interfere with us moving forward. This instability is due to not knowing who we are and where we are going, which limits what we can choose and stand by. 

All these unconscious connections create burdens inhibiting our growth, sharing our truth, or being intimate. These patterns are universal because society does not have a way to protect us as children from the imbalances in families, schools, or the social environment. This is why we need to learn who we are as creative beings and step into our destiny if we want to improve ourselves. The purpose of this document is to guide and facilitate your personal exploration.

The first step is taking the risk to grow. We seek Excitement so we can feel Alive and aligned in our Life Energy expression. This means challenging our Safety fears and assumptions. Affirming our Personal Space creates new energetic possibilities so they emerge. We accomplish this by exploring the uncomfortable places where our conditioning limits options allowing us to reassess our choices. We need to experiment with new possibilities so that we can have new outcomes. The trade-off is, “Will I grow and expand my options, or defer my growth to a later time when I am forced to confront it directly?” We learn either the easy or the hard way. The easy way is to allow time for growth and deal with it on our timeframe when the options are fully present and available. The hard way is to ignore growth as much as possible, ignoring our potential opportunities so that the problem becomes more intractable or impossible to solve because resources have greatly diminished. Thereby making the assumption that all change is actually a burden that should be minimized. When an individual shows up offering to do a project, bringing resources that would make it easy to grow together that would significantly reduce the stress of making a transition. The universe would then present a major problem in the area where we would have to find a solution completely on our own. This illustrates the problem of following the path of least resistance by doing the minimal thing required when it actually causes you more stress and shortens your life span. The real lesson is to recognize how we can expand our options by making our lessons fun, interesting, and supportive to our long-term prospects.

The second step is to learn how to distinguish our truth from what others tell us is the truth. Very few of us focus on the inner experience of truth where we validate the quality of the experience (in terms of tension, disconnection or creative flow and self-acceptance). By doing this, and telling our truth we are stronger and more complete. If we are not doing this, we are typically in conflict, both internally and externally and it feels like a burden. At best, when we are compromised, it feels like we are making the best choice between many bad options. This tells us that we are identified with our Defenses. Again, we need spacious and timeless ways to engage any conflicts that allow us to sort out what we are creatively aligned to contribute versus the partial Attachments, Positions and Projections of our Personality safety and security mechanism. Our Personality is the learning tool we have used to become responsive to our environment and get all of our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts online. All unconscious patterns originate in false perceptions of our Personality development process. These safety and security patterns help us to survive and be outwardly successful, but prohibit us from the creative fulfillment we seek. As a result, we can see how reactions and Intensity always reflect that we are not in our complete truth. If we were to respond in a reflective manner, it would indicate that we have at least the capacity for harmless truth-telling. The main issue is whether we have the motivation to reveal ourselves in a Wisdom (or growth-enabled) environment (a safe space to make mistakes without consequences).

The third step is a desire for Intimacy. A conscious relationship puts us in situations where we are not in control, so we need to confront the experience of love directly. This means choosing to love those around us because we enjoy them. What limits this experience is how we want, need or fantasize about any individual. The more we want someone to want us because we do not like ourselves, want them to need us because we are not secure, or we are at the effect of a partner’s image, the more we have compromised love. We compromise ourselves by accepting how others do this to us, which limits our ability to show them love.

We also lose ourselves by comparing ourselves to others, putting these conditional expressions of love before Self-Radiant Unifying love.  Intimacy is the loving interactions that reveal our heart’s desire. While this includes sexuality, how we treat each other, common lessons and interests, it is primarily about conscious communion. Communion is the ability to work in alignment in a supportive way to further our mutual aspirations. It is not about unconscious merging or co-dependence, but rather growth, autonomy and intimacy with mutual respect and esteem. This is best facilitated by a CNG because we operate in our own, non-compromised space, allowing us to hold and visit the relationship space, which is held separately from ourselves.

The fourth step is a commitment to Co-Creativity. Conscious relationships require us to show up and know how to navigate with others. The more we know who we are as a Creative Being, the better a partner we are. Most individuals do not know when they are compromised because they have not declared their own authentic contribution in the world. How we are guided to conscious relationships is finding partners with Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness and meeting them in this experience. This means seeing Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety as warning indicators of unconscious relationships. This document will show you how to create conscious relationships without compromising Beauty, Truth and Goodness, which is what we currently see in the world. Instead of losing ourselves in relationships that hurt us, we eventually discover the benefits of creating conscious boundaries so our personal business can stay personal. Without boundaries, our confusion leads to hurting others and hurting ourselves. With boundaries, we can create and sustain long-term relationships and build new emotional and intellectual capital to invest in each other.

If this opportunity seems difficult, it is because as a society we do not have many tools to build relationships from infancy. On the other hand, we are either going to address our fears of not being wanted, lovable or enough, or not. We all have the capacity to bring out our natural goodness and affirm our creative potential to solve any and all problems on our path. What we do not realize is that by default, we will not get there. This is because, fundamentally, our support systems are predicated on self-rejection and self-criticism. Our learning structures are mostly rote and superficial, and do not support the building of our own inner experience. This leads us to the uncomfortable position of recognizing that we need to make a choice about whether we are ready to learn this or not. If this writing to this point has been interesting and resonates with you, we want you to affirm that you are on this path and committed to moving forward. All you need to do is to keep breathing.

If you have reservations about whether you can grow, or have an unwillingness to confront the problems that come up in your current relationships, then it would be appropriate to put this document down. Maybe you could pass it on to someone who you think might enjoy it. The main warning we have is that to go any further means that you are going to change your life in a way that you will not be able to un-know. I cannot tell you how many people have written to us, complaining that they now cannot un-know what they have learned and it perplexes them because they know they are compromising themselves. Just like in The Matrix, once Neo took the red pill, he could not ever go back into the blissful ignorance of the matrix. This is a similar decision-making point. So far, we have not changed your perceptions of what is so. If you start to understand the underlying frameworks of creating conscious relationships, you will no longer be able to do unconscious behavior programs in the same way.

Defensive Beliefs, represented by acts of judgment, are self-defeating because they deny our innate connectedness. When we believe in our outer image more than we believe in our inner Creative Nature, we regress. Thin-skinned sensitivity arises because we do not accept our true Creative Power. We become entangled (in Pretenses and Facades) when we define ourselves in terms of others. Placing more faith in the opinions of others than in our own Truth. This is the fundamental shift we need to make: from denying our possibilities to affirming them. We need to lean into opportunities and discover that mistakes only improve our understanding and forward movement. We have been taught that there is a greater general reality outside of us that we have to respect more than our internal reality. It is our job to manifest this internal reality so we can become a partner in co-creating the universe. We feel trapped because we have adopted the assumptions of others and, therefore, feel no joy in our contributions. We need to rekindle our Passion and declare what and whom we serve. Role-playing, resistance and inertia sabotage our actions because we are not sure we will ever be seen and valued for our true and natural creative abilities. Sadly, the more we accept this reality, the more distanced we become from ourselves. This is no way to live.

The answer to these issues is to create a great relationship with our Self. Many of us have either no relationship to our Self or we have a negative, critical one. When this occurs, conflicted inner voices reflect parental criticism. Our connection is directive or pleading based on our personality programming. These voices, modeled upon our parents’ fears, attempt to make us pay attention to the safety and security issues we dealt with growing up. The main problem is that in misguided attempts to protect us, our parents submerged us in their needs. Until we differentiate ourselves from our parents, we cannot be sure that we are not operating based on their Fears and Desires. Eventually, parental safety and security issues become a large part of our own personality identity. When we take their lessons and codify them within us, we cannot leave the past behind. We mistakenly take others’ actions personally and do not question our preconceived premises. We need to realize that the lessons of our future need to be addressed on their own terms and not colored by our past.

From a personality point of view, we see others as extensions of us; not realizing this eliminates a self-reflective relationship with ourselves. When we operate from our Personality framework everything is an object, subject, or ideal, minimizing conscious connections. These distortions prevent us from being present in the moment with others. When we identify with objects, subjects and ideals, there is no space for the relationship or connection. These are just projections of our own needs, thoughts or desires upon others. We can validate this by seeing how poorly we listen to others when caught in these unexamined patterns.

This is why is it useful to imagine creating a CNG with our Self, where we can see the protective machinery of parental and social programming.  The CNG is in an external, neutral space where we can examine our patterns while we engage our Creative source. With a CNG it is easy to reflect on our own processes and relate them to others in their processes. This opens up a discussion where many different experiences can be addressed simultaneously without becoming submerged or reduced in fidelity. Our creative source can be identified by its Stillness, Solitude and Silence. It is the affirmation of the presence of our Creative Nature that brings Stillness, Solitude and Silence to our Personality programming. The initial goal is to be able to differentiate our Creative Nature from our personality issues (Fears and Desires). This practice is known by many terms: getting centered, getting focused or becoming grounded.

The better relationship we develop with our Creative Self, the easier it is to manifest quality relationships. Our ability to consciously connect expands our possibilities in relationships as we realize we have a choice about how we wish to grow. Most individuals are not aware that they have a choice about how to connect. They are often not familiar with the kinds of connections that are possible. This is because our models (parents and family members) did not have much flexibility and were not able to offer alternatives. Instead, they were caught in mechanistic self-determinism. We unconsciously fall into predefined enmeshment patterns that reflect our parents’ forms of inter-connection. Instead of recognizing that we can build ‘custom’ relationships based on Creative Uniqueness, most of us build ‘tract house’ relationships based on limited beliefs about what is possible. These false, acquired beliefs undermine and distance us from our relationships.

Technically, there are at least three independent entities that make up a Common Neutral Ground. There is our space, their space, and the independent relationship space. When we think of a relationship, many imagine it as a compromise between two people. This is because we do not see or experience the common, independent relationship space as being different and distinct from either person’s own space. One of the first exercises we do in establishing a CNG is to distinguish how our space is different from the common relationship space, even if we are unconscious about it. The key difference is in how our experience and the experience of others can come together and synchronize with distinct variations. Most people tend to merge these two spaces because they do not understand the power and value of having separate and clear spaces to distinguish and experience their Truth. The CNG provides an opportunity to give a separate voice to each of these spaces so there is no confusion about whose voice it is.

When we bypass the establishment of the common, independent relationship space of the CNG and instead merge the two personal spaces, it places pressure on us to conform to others. It keeps us from acknowledging our complete Truth and our mutual Truth. As a result, we become more sensitized to the Beliefs of our partner and end up taking on and internalizing their patterns of operation. This inadvertently creates more polarization and greater defensiveness and co-dependence. We become more reactive, depressed, discounted, or unable to clarify our own, natural course of action. It leads to greater projection of our negativity upon others. Because we do not have the perspective to see our strengths and weaknesses in a positive way, we become driven to prove the deficiencies of others as a way to maintain our own integrity and room to breathe. In this losing battle, we become more disheartened because our yearnings are repressed by the influence and needs of those around us.

Common Neutral Ground provides space and a way to breathe without feeling compromised. It allows us to separate ourselves from our Fears, Desires and personality frustrations so our own Creative Nature can be birthed and evolve. For many who naturally create a personal CNG, it is about finding the strength to express themselves without the fear of consequences overwhelming them. While there is great joy in the exploration of who we are, we go through certain transformations as we deal with others. The first is, we become more detached from our personality Fears and, therefore, can more clearly affirm who we are and our own direction in life. Second, we can be playful and let go of being so serious, particularly about our development process

Our website contains instructions for the development of ‘Right Human Relationships’ to function as the ‘Standard Operating Manual for Humans, Version, 2.0. Common Neutral Ground.It is the Operating System for a new way of interacting.

Unfortunately, many of us operate with a pre-release version that has a lot of unresolved ‘bugs’. The way to eliminate these ‘bugs’ is to operate with loving kindness and follow the model of “Do unto others as you would have them to do unto you”. Up until now, the Golden Rule has served as our human interaction software; it now requires a creative update, taking into account the Seven Creative Intelligences and Defense structures. We will learn how to recognize these patterns so we will not inadvertently treat others in a negative way causing them to react. Since we all have strengths and weakness, nobody appreciates anyone highlighting their problems at their expense. The main purpose of a CNG is to help everyone maximize their ability to understand and interact with others. This involves knowing what is productive to say and what is not productive. Currently, most people are unaware of the difference, which means we have less ability to unify with our families, partners and communities.

If the human Operating Manual was like an automobile manual, we could consider our Motives as fuel, our lessons and Attractions as the engine and Skills as the steering mechanism. When we focus on certain lessons (engine), it activates relevant skills (steering), particularly when we are conscious about our development path. In this metaphor, the quality of our fuel (Motives) transforms the capacity of our engine (lessons and Attractions) so we can increase our range and speed of operation. As we wake up to our Creative Nature, our vehicle begins to morph in new ways to serve new capacities. It is important to realize that a CNG grows by accepting our personal lessons so we understand what is needed to move forward. We grow our CNG by expanding our consciousness. It appears that these embodiment lessons are the same for everyone, yet people do express different levels of actualization within the same CNG embodiment level. We will continue to use this metaphor in discussing the embodiment of CNG in our lives.

The process of CNG Embodiment can be broken into seven levels: Safety Reactions, Security Positions, Co-Measurement, Co-Creativity, Co-Embodiment, Mutual Learning and Synergistic Activity. We invite you to examine which levels represent your current experience.

© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

Newsletter Subscription

Sign up now to get updates and event notifications, and you will immediately receive a Higher Alignment Mini Creative Assessment that summarizes the seven most important Compatibility Factors.

Go to top