Defense Style Compatibility Considerations

Defenses are initially created in relationship to our parents. This drives us to seek parental substitutes in both our personal and professional lives. Each individual seeks to be affirmed in ways we did not get affirmed by our parents. This sets us up to try to find parental substitutes who, unlike our parents, accept and honor us for our true creative nature. The difficulty is that the defense itself in many ways sabotages our being able to create this rare occurrence. Even if others are able see through our defenses and acknowledge our authentic creativity, the defense operates as a buffer with the belief that this state of connection cannot prevail because the defense, in its attempt to protect us, cannot have us be successful or its usefulness would end. When we break out of defensive ways of operating, it throws off others who need us to be a particular way to validate their own defensive interactions. This is because when we choose others with an opposite defense style, it paradoxically keeps alive the hope we have denied in ourselves. For example, Dynamic Defense Style individuals act strong and certain as a way of hiding their true sense of vulnerability. They choose to be around Disarming Defense Style individuals who represent the innocence they have denied within themselves. The Disarming individual is naturally sensitive and flexible and appears responsive to others to hide their internal strength. This reveals that defenses inherently assert the opposite of what people internally fear they are.

This is also true with a Distant Defense Style individual and our attraction/repulsion to a Pioneering individual. If we have a Distant Defense Style we get caught up in proving how valuable or important we are as a way to offset how empty or disconnected we feel with others. We choose to be around those who can be completely accepting and nonjudgmental or who at least appear to be this way. If we are Pioneering, we simultaneously accept both our masculine and feminine natures, and discover opportunities to apply our conflict resolution skills by making clear that others have choices in any situation. If we are Distant, there is an attraction/repulsion to a Pioneering person because we want to be seen, yet fear being seen because we may have to deal with the conflicts that have internally perplexed us. Unpacking past experiences can seem scary because we associate negative feelings/emotions with being closed down or denied by others. Engaging these experiences establishes a new level of consciousness, which allows us to release the charge that has kept us contracted, stuck and self-sabotaging.