Control Strategy Pretense

With this strategy we attempt to define the type and nature of interaction in order to avoid dealing with our vulnerabilities. We use strength of intellect to suppress investigation of emotional fears and as a result cut ourselves off from our inner wisdom and intuition. In our pursuit of intellect and rational understanding, our fixation becomes structure and the building of a congruent view, a reason to live. Unfortunately, often the passion and any spontaneous creative opportunities are lost. By focusing the conversation on behavior and actions, we deny our higher aspirations. Controlling others also keeps them from being able to control or influence us, putting us in a position of apparent power. When we operate from this Pretense, what we lose is our opportunity for Mutual Growth and Intimacy. We naturally attract Expectors, other Controllers, and Seducers.

The pretense of Control emphasizes intellectual self-sufficiency and aloneness to the point where outside support and enthusiasm are not accepted. We end up doing things ourselves because we believe others will not do them right. We do not find it easy to delegate. People who use the Control pretense must be seen as effective, grounded, and pragmatic doers. Our internal focus creates a sense of isolation and loneliness that ends up making us susceptible to romantic flights of fancy. Multiple layers of logic form the foundation on which a Controller creates a sense of expertise and focus that lets us feel capable of deciding things for others. Intellectually, we anticipate their objections, allowing us to overcome them with little effort. Controllers offset this intellectual superiority with our willingness to take care of people on intellectual levels by planning and preparing things for them. Our commitment is to find ways we can support others that don’t require emotional involvement. We sell our perception of reality as better. In this way we expect others to defer to us and trust our leadership. Controllers seem independent and self-determined without wanting any input.

Control Pretense Objective: Getting others to acknowledge & praise our expertise.

I really enjoy the ___________ when you let me do it my way.
By organizing _______ you will be more capable in __________.
I made plans for us to do _____________ because ___________.
Don’t you love me because I make the best decisions regarding ____?
Unconscious Assumption: We need to take charge, be directive, and discount our emotional reality.
Affirms esteem in others by encouraging practical action.
Believe problem solving and making decisions is our gift to.
Operates from a pro-active standard of how things are going to be.
Is not happy when others do not accept our authority or conclusions.

Releasing Control

Affirm fear of others not being accountable. Practice patience.
Recognize that others want to connect without the necessity of a pre-defined goal or outcome.
Support others in developing their own skills by letting them make mistakes.
Relax and allow others to support us in any process.
Share and own pre-identified areas of emotional sensitivity.
Neutralize anxieties by sharing vulnerabilities, demonstrating authentic strength. (How can we share our current weaknesses if we do not realize that we are bigger than they are.)

Anti-Control

We are repulsed by Control because we no longer want to control others because we realize it is an exhausting, no win scenario. Instead, we now fear we will be stuck with controlling partners because they are not willing to acknowledge their own fears. As a result, we attempt to take personal responsibility for what works for us and invite others to do the same. We begin to appreciate how healing ourselves of the need to control others, opens the door for others to be with us in non-controlling ways. In effect, we release our attachments to being at the affect of others and now see that just being ourselves, is enough. Anti-Control shows that we are still reacting to the perception of control, which connects to the illusion of outer power. As long as we fear getting lost in how others define themselves in terms of us, we will not be able to release ourselves from this pattern. We are left with the natural impulse to discipline ourselves, so we pay attention to our own boundaries, rather than attempting to establish boundaries for others. Eventually, we release Anti-Control patterns when we experience being a co-creative agent of the universe and no longer need to put our personality fears and desires on others.