Clues To Seeing Pretenses

Pretenses are easily identified by the unconscious activities we use to try to be accepted. The more we feel we need acceptance, the greater we will use Pretenses to entangle others. Our goal is to go unconscious together. We are actually seeking a way to know that our Pretense has value in the eyes of the person we seek to influence. The more conscious we become, the less we use Pretenses to be connected, because we understand the self-limiting nature of participating in a Pretense framework.

The Pretense of Expectation creates the belief that we need to be flexible and fluid with others, and that in return others will respond the same way. We seek agreement unconsciously and believe there is a right way to do everything. We can easily be identified by the belief that there is only one objective reality. We also tend to ignore differences. The underlying belief is that everyone is the same and that we all understand what our common basic needs are. People who are doing the pretense of Expectations therefore seem adjustable or adaptable within certain guidelines, and are unable to deal with people who don’t operate in conditioned ways. Expectors have a sense of standards we are known for, and will give direct feedback when others do not meet those standards.

The pretense of Romantic Mythology creates infinite emotionally stimulating possibilities. The goal is to sell open-ended, ungrounded, idealistic, spontaneous approaches to living. We use this pretense to resist overt structure and preconditioned thinking. We wait for others to take the initiative to see if our potential partner knows what to do without our saying anything. If our partner’s expectations and actions are congruent with our own romantic story, then we believe this person is the ONE! We engage others for the purpose of bringing in new ideas and a sense of fantasy, which keeps us from grounding and manifesting our own vision. We typically sabotage our ideas by not taking appropriate steps to make them real. We would rather have the fantasy over the reality. We have a sense of waiting for the right things to occur, which, if they do, seems mystical and miraculous.

The pretense of Control emphasizes intellectual self-sufficiency and aloneness to the point where outside support and enthusiasm are not accepted. We end up doing things ourselves because we believe others will not do them right. We do not find it easy to delegate. We must be seen as effective, grounded, and pragmatic doers. Our internal focus creates a sense of isolation and loneliness that ends up making us susceptible to romantic flights of fancy. Multiple layers of logic form the foundation on which we create a sense of expertise and focus that lets us feel capable of deciding things for others. Intellectually, anticipating the objections of others, allows us to overcome them with little effort. Controllers offset this intellectual superiority with our willingness to take care of people on intellectual levels by planning and preparing things for them. Our commitment is to find ways we can support others that don’t require emotional involvement. We sell our perception of reality as better than that of others. In this way we expect others to defer to us and trust our leadership. Controllers seem independent and self-determined without wanting any input.

The pretense of Seduction operates only on those who are most naïve. As Seducers we exploit the doubts and confusion of our targets in order to obtain their acquiescence and obedience. We seek to change the minds of others indirectly by enlarging and enhancing problems so we have a greater influence in solving the problems. We use confusion and misdirection to enhance our own importance and subtly discount others’ choices to undermine their self-confidence. We succeed by undermining others’ autonomy and intimacy, collapsing their boundaries so they become slaves to our wishes. The difference between a Pioneering person and a Seducer is that a Pioneer will always honor others’ choices and will not expect others to do what they say, whereas a Seducer will always discount others’ autonomy and intimacy, and will expect them to do what they say. Simply said, we will use guilt, blame, and shame indiscriminately to find the buttons others most wish to avoid. We seem flirtatious and suggestive, but are vindictive if not accepted.