Autonomy

Lesson 6: Accepting Our Lessons As They Show Up

Introduction

Autonomy is the ability to share our truth with another and have them reflect it. This does not mean they have to agree with it, just that they understand what it means to us. With full Autonomy the communication itself is harmless. This means it is not framed in a way where we are violating the boundaries of others or forcing them to agree with us. When this experience is reflected, it uplifts us because others are able to recreate it in their own experience. When not reflected, we remain insecure and may even attempt to compromise others to get them to agree with us. This is called Co-Dependence. It occurs when we believe our partners or friends will only accept the strong, good part of us, and therefore we hide the weak, bad part of us. The primary indication is an unwillingness to tell our complete truth for fear we will be rejected. We also establish areas of dominance, where our strengths are superior, so we can manage this area for both of us. This prevents us from having a Co-Creative relationship where Autonomy is a key requirement.

With Autonomy we need to face our problems directly. This means accepting our lessons as they show up. Otherwise, our holding back, denying or resisting the truth only captures us so we cannot move forward. The choice is between engaging with courageous integrity or compromising ourselves in lies that only limit our growth. Each time we do not tell the truth, it creates one more obstacle that not only confuses those in the relationship, but makes it more difficult to achieve anything together. When we have mutual Autonomy, we achieve creative flow and our Desires become manifest. This is because our inner congruence helps us manifest an outer congruence. Congruence is a state of internal alignment where we are balanced and operating on all levels of our being. From one perspective, this would include Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, Thoughts and Intuition. Any compromises could be acknowledged, which would further complete our exchange about our relative truths. Imbalances that are not acknowledged could become an obstacle to further development.


By being truthful we build trust with partners who also desire to truthful. This creates a unique bond that empowers both individuals to be exceptional problem solvers. The gift that comes with this is they no longer need to deceive themselves or hide their own internal shades of gray about certain items. In effect, this begins to reduce the egoic development of the personality because we begin clearing out the reasons for its existence. The result is a directness that can be off-putting to those who are not prepared to speak their truth. This is particularly true when we have a Distant Defense, as we will immediately begin to question our fixed assumptions.

One of the primary benefits is without so many lies we do not have to remember what we have said. Instead, we can focus completely on our in-the-moment experience. Being a Truth Teller also reinforces a type of optimistic thinking where we deal with what is, rather than worry about what will be. This makes us more present in the moment, which also reduces the propensity to idealize an experience. Most importantly, as a Skill, Autonomy makes our relationship a safe and secure space, free from any trace of betrayal. Even in relationships with some degree of Truth Telling, betrayal occurs when certain needs are not met. When there is full acknowledgment of the needs, it is less likely to be acted out in inappropriate ways.


While Co-Dependence is the opposite of Autonomy, the Motive of Self Serving Activity and the Attraction of Personal Autonomy could distract us from manifesting Autonomy as a Skill. Self Serving Activity is where we get caught up in taking care of ourselves in a way that distances us from others, even though we may be physically present. It is simply a distraction that keeps us from being available. The Attraction of Personal Autonomy is where we find ourselves seeking out an individual because they seem so independent. We falsely believe that independence could make it easier for us to relate to them, where what we really want is interdependence.

Self-serving Activity (which is where we do things to keep busy) helps us recognize what we like and want so we are able to manifest these things without compromise or distortion. What most people react to is the sense of selfishness that people have when they seek out recreation to regenerate themselves. Self-Serving activities are all those activities such as TV, movies, music, reading, sports, dance, opera, where we Unconsciously escape our current daily reality. Anyone that judges us for our interest or hobbies is automatically distanced because we are extremely sensitive to be judged in this manner. We feel compelled to protect and defend our Attachments to sports figures, TV shows, movie stars which demonstrates the identification we have with these individuals.

Intensity is expressed around any sense of judgment about what we enjoy. Different activities produce different internal Experiences for us. So everyone cannot be labeled doing Self-Serving Activities easily or effectively. What makes a Self Serving Activity a Self-Serving Activity is that it is done to compensate for the difficulty and tension we find in our day to day life. In effect, Self-Serving Activity are necessary as long as we are not doing our Authentic Life Expression. If we were manifesting our Authentic Life Expression we wouldn’t need these escapes from reality, because our reality would be innately playful, powerful and passionate. Self-Serving Activity requires that we escape and recover ourselves which means that fundamentally it is a solitary process.

What makes this fascinating is that our aloneness it opens up a desire to have others around. A part of us seeks to prove that we can act all on our own, showing we do not need others to be okay. This leads us to consider that it is okay to need others and it is not a compromise to enjoy their Presence. The value of this is to recognize that in each and every moment we can go along and get along and process our Experience simultaneous to having it. What occurs is that attractions to compromised independent people isolate us from the interactions we really desire (if we are Autonomous). Personal Autonomy is the capacity to own our truth while simultaneously accepting that the truth of others is equal to our own. Others are naturally attracted to us when they don’t feel judged or separated from us. More importantly, they feel heard and listened to and they don’t have to effort at having to express their truth to make their point. As a result, they can relax with us and we can relax with them. What this means is that we don’t have to fall into a position or make a judgment about them that would result in them taking a position.

There is no relaxation, but only Intensity when we are taking positions. When we move from Self-Serving Activity, where people are interchangeable, to actually appreciating the uniqueness of individuals, it opens us up to our own natural contribution. Autonomy reflects the skill to be ourselves with others, no matter the circumstance. It also indicates that we don’t have to protect ourselves through fixed agendas, or Projections on others about how they should interact with us. Instead, we are more Consciously able to accept however others are being with us so there is more natural Creativity possible. Autonomy is also the capacity to continually integrate into our Experience, everything that we previously denied outside of us. The more others have judged us in the past, the more likely we have disaffiliated with certain aspects of ourselves that we need to regain to be complete. Autonomy building is the process of reintegrating these aspects and becoming more holistic in our Acceptance of ourselves.

As part of this process we also recognize that we no longer need to conform to others to gain their approval. We see that we previously did this behavior because we feared being rejected. Now that we know who we are, it doesn’t matter if others reject us for it just gives us clarity about who we chose to work with and who we don’t. It also clarifies to us that others can contribute to us by their Presence. The other aspect of Autonomy building is we come to appreciate the uniqueness of others and their capacity at whatever level to express their truth. The more clearly we individuate ourselves by honoring our own natural Boundaries, the less reactive we are to our differences with others. It is only where we are incomplete or do not know ourselves that we have the possibility of being hurt by others. Instead of running away from these situations, we should appreciate how others hurting us can actually help transform these areas where we react, into areas that we can respond, by recognizing and honoring our truth. We also learn to value what we creatively contribute, which is more important than being accepted defensively by others. Ultimately, we choose people who can creatively connect to us.

Self Serving Activity

Self Serving Activity is a state of conditioning where we use mindless activity to distract ourselves from personal problems by creating ways to isolate and insulate ourselves from others. Self Serving Activity is any activity used to psychically honor an ability to follow our own path so others cannot have an affect on us. Common Self Serving Activities are shopping, TV, reading, and sporting and entertainment events. Sometimes we get into dueling activities where if one Partner asserts their right to do what they want, we turn around and assert our right to do what we want. It is common to use these activities to send subtle messages to others about how important they are relative to the activities we pursue. This type of game playing frequently escalates as participants increasingly discount each other by trying to make their activities appear more fun, interesting or useful than the other person’s activities. Self Serving Activity reflects all the ways of operating that we believe we have earned by dealing with the pain and struggle of life. Self Serving Activities are always selfishly motivated, yet framed as a benefit to others. This does not mean that all the activities we do are Self Serving, but when we are acting from a Self Serving motive, we go on automatic pilot and do not want others to demand anything from us that is outside of our expectations.

Self Serving Activities can be any activity that permits us to assert our way of connecting independent of others input. In any Self Serving Activity we operate selfishly rather than being available to others to support their process at the same time. In short, they are ways of escaping our common everyday stresses by tuning out normal communication and Connection requirements. Ironically, these activities become naturally mechanical or Habitual. The difference between Self Serving Activity and other forms of entertainment is that we are always protective of our space and our choice, and we believe we are owed the opportunity to participate in this way. When we are not doing a Self Serving Activity, we are flexible, responsive and can interact with others without Feeling resentful. It is interesting to note how many of the Self Serving Activities we perform are isolating and passive and do not require interaction in any real way. It is because of this that individuals doing Self Serving Activity cannot see the unavailability of others doing the same.

The motive of Self Serving Activity reflects the Context that we need to protect our self by having a mindless activity that helps us escape. Every Self Serving Activity enables us to distract ourselves from our personal problems by establishing a framework where others cannot intrude upon us without our permission. We usually justify Self Serving Activity by the amount of effort or work we do in our life. Self Serving Activity reflects that believe we deserve a break. By asserting our choices about how we will spend time, we maximize our personal leverage over others by making them come to us on our terms. We learn, when doing Self Serving activities, only to offer to others what we possess in abundance, so that others will feel compelled to give us what we lack. We commonly use the needs of others to justify our own demands so we maintain a sense of control over how we operate in our life. This can be easily validated in behavior where others ignore us because they feel hurt in our demands or disappear to do things to take care of themselves because they think our demands are unreasonable.

The hidden belief is to maximize the pursuit of pleasure without being seen as selfish. Sometimes we hide our selfishness by being stubborn and unwilling to compromise ourselves. In many situations it is easy to justify our selfishness as a benefit to others rather than honor it as just a request we have. Self Serving Activity is not known for its “truth telling”. Most white lies are ways we protect others from knowing what is going on with us, because we feel they may be hurt by our actions. Frequently we distance ourselves from others by believing that we are someone who deserves a break, unlike others around us who have it much easier. These types of rationalizations or explanations keep us from even considering the deeper truth— we want what we want when we want it. It is important that we not back down from our truth of what we want and need and can be seen as being up front with what’s appropriate for us, so we do not fall into resentful sabotaging behavior. It is also important not to always blame others for what we are not creating in our life. It is very easy to make others wrong for their Self Serving Activities by falling into the perception that they are not worthwhile or productive when, in fact, they do serve a personal need. It is time now to air out these differences with others whenever there is resentment, fear and tension about our use of time and priorities. The more we can creatively enjoy our work, the less we will use independent Self Serving Activities to distance ourselves from others.

Now we will address how to heal our Self Serving Activity conditioning. Let us see how our lives are a Balance between activities performed for others and for our self. Let us imagine the perfection of this Balance as it is. Instead of Feeling contracted when we take care of ourselves, let us expand into the knowing that many times our selfishness is actually supported through our transpersonal desire to sustain our contribution(s) to others. Let us begin to see how our natural desire to take care of ourselves actually empowers us in our ability to be with others more. Instead of getting caught up in endless Fears of being compromised, let us resolve these Conflicts within ourselves by seeing the perfection of how we unfold in ways that work to balance us. When we honor our natural contribution, we no longer need the Respect and Esteem of others, and instead of demanding it, we can graciously provide it to them. Let us operate from our inner knowing so that our ability to be in service to others can grow and become more substantial.

Engaging in ever more open ways means letting go of Safe and Secure Beliefs and Habits. Let us investigate and become more comfortable in taking risks in expressing our true nature with others around us. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, imagine finding our natural way of fully being with each individual. Let us release our stubborn attachments to how we think we need to be, in order to explore how we actually could be. In this way, we are not attached to our process and we can allow our natural evolution to support our Growth in relationships. The more this occurs, the less we will feel compelled to hide in Self-Serving Activity. The Paradox is that by declaring our direction in life and growing authentically, we transcend our Fears that we will not be seen, accepted or honored in our own way of being. Recognizing that our highest aspirations are naturally supportive to others as well fulfills self-Serving Activity. Let us give of our self without withholding more than we need to sustain us, so we can more fully receive as well.

As we discover the inner Balance between taking care of ourselves and serving others, we start to see the natural integrity of all life exchanges. Our ability to meet others as they are inspires others to meet us as we are. This virtuous Cycle becomes enhanced in our relationships by operating from a set of ethics and Intentions to uplift the world. We discover that our openness and Commitment to larger possibilities naturally counteracts the weight of our conditioning and defensive Fears where our protection exceeds our desire for Growth. Developing a sense of ethics about how we are going to engage the higher possibilities means stepping beyond selfish personal perspectives. When we operate to a standard that uplifts us, it brings out the best in us and others around us. It is the best long-term way to create a better future. We can act to create the future we envision. Instead of protecting ourselves when others do not respond, we use our ethics to turn the other cheek and offer them another opportunity to step into higher possibilities.

The three belief structures of Motives, Attractions and Skills particularly support, when we are engaged in Self Serving Activity, how much we can demand that others meet our needs. The underlying issue is how much we feel justified in asking others to be unselfish while we ourselves are being selfish. Operating with a motive of Self Serving Activity encourages us to deny the needs of others, while simultaneously focusing on our own needs. This creates a narcissistic preoccupation with our self-image because we are unwilling to engage anyone in a way that would reveal our own inadequacies or Fears. In short, we do not want to admit that our selfishness lets Desires to be born within us that are more about diminishing others than supporting our Growth or that of others. Becoming Conscious of Self Serving Activity lets us see that many of our demands that others honor our Life, Light, and Love over their own Life, Light, and Love are not sustainable or appropriate. We need to accept that our selfishness is okay to transcend it. The more we resist accepting our selfishness, the more we act out Self Serving Activity.

The Paradox that we must be present to our Selfishness to transcend it is reflected in our energetic awareness of our self and others.  It is a contracted, fixation energy that limits our field of understanding, making it more difficult to appreciate and enjoy the Presence of others. The more we deny or use Selfishness the less we can accept our true creative power. This drives us to be attached and protective of our activities because they represent the degree we are able to stand up for our Self. In Self Serving Activities, we do not want others to challenge us. We find comfort in our belief that we already know enough to be effective and successful in any activity. One of the best indicators that an activity is Self Serving is if, in doing it, we are trying to recreate past positive Experiences and Feelings that activity previously gave us. Self Serving Activity is where we limit our perceptions and seek comfortable reassurance that things will play out as we imagined they would. We feel our “success” in this activity is assured because we do not have to make much investment to make things work. We can be on autopilot and do not have to present in the doing of the activity.

We can also let our reactions roam freely. We see this in sporting events where we can feel bad about the outcome of the event, but still enjoy it. An extreme example might be soccer games at which the fans become violent and feel justified venting their anger. The more a situation plays out in ways we had not anticipated, the more we feel justified in blaming and shaming others for the outcome. This attachment to an outcome is also a characteristic of Self Serving Activity. Morecommon situations may involve an impersonal challenge, such as shopping to get the best deal on what we want to buy. The objective of Self Serving Activity is to release tension that we have built up in ourselves by being overly attached to problems in our life. This may be the case even in a passive activity like watching TV if we place ourselves in roles of the TV characters and, thereby, take a temporary vacation from our own problems.

It is easy to be caught between being unwilling to be selfish and, therefore, unwilling to speak up for our self or falling into a covert selfish pattern of projecting on them and expecting others to fulfill our needs. In the area of Romance, the expectation that we should compromise for each other establishes a framework where our power is measured and actualized by how much our Partner is willing to compromise for us. We measure how much they love us by the apparent degree of compromise they demonstrate. It is simplistic to imagine that they love us only to the degree they compromise for us, but we do limit our self and our perceptions in this way when we are doing Self Serving Activity. We either feel victimized by their unwillingness to compromise to meet our needs (which reflects our lack of self value) or we feel acknowledged in our power when they are willing to do what we want.

Since many of these Self Serving Activities reflect our personal Desires and are not really a cooperative activity, it is easy to justify that we (or our Partners) can do whatever we want without consequences. See diagram Related Self Serving ActivityBeliefs. This is because we do not expect there to be any Co-Creative or cooperative interaction in a Self Serving Activity. For example, encouraging our Partner to go shopping, to a sporting event with their friends, or relax in front of the TV as a way of dealing with their stress, is commonly seen as being supportive. In reality, this encouragement lets us put distance between our self and our Partner and not confront our different values, Motives, or mission in life.

Usually we do no notice this distancing of others because we are distancing our self from our Self. It is the idea of our “Personality Self” image that preoccupies our Attention and keeps us from being connected within our Self. As long as we judge and constantly compare our self to others, this distance will remain. On the other hand, by ceasing to judge and constantly evaluate our self in terms of others, it opens up opportunities to connect and be with others in ways that are more uplifting and creative. The core issue that prevents this is our fixation on protecting our self from the judgment of others by anticipating their judgment and judging our self first. It is this “self” objectification process that denies our inner spirit and keeps us from accepting that our behavior has a definite impact on others. As long as we are preoccupied with how others affect us, we cannot see how we affect them. This is one of the primary indications that we are doing Self Serving Activity.

Forgiving our self for objectifying who we are opens us up to the pain that underlies the expression of Self Serving Activity. Who we are as a Creative Being is greatly diminished when we objectify ourselves in this way. Since objectification is a preoccupation with the outer Experience at the cost of our Motives and lessons, we do not acknowledge our natural Growth and evolution. Instead, we tend to hold on to old perspectives that invalidate our natural creative expression. As a result, we continually act out how we want to be seen in ways that were denied to us in childhood. We can easily identify this we see ourselves just wanting something our way and are unwilling to consider any other possibility. Instead of resisting this, let us honor this impulse and we Conscious of it, so that we can see how we were denied and now that we are not being denied this opportunity. Let us build a love of our self that allows us to be as selfish as we want in any situation.

A degree of selfishness is necessary to maintain our integrity and sustain our capacity to contribute in the world. Without selfishness, we would have no motivation to take care of ourselves, so that we can continue to support the activities going on around us. Instead, we would become fixated on how each activity reflects the degree of power we Experience in relationship to others. When we are no longer judgmental about our selfishness, we would learn to flow with others in ways that would not interfere with our interactions.  The more we are attached to being selfish or not being selfish, the greater the distance we have to keep from others, because we do not want them to discover this secret about us. It is our enlightened self-interest that helps to bring our personality structure into Balance.

When our creative essence is disconnected from our personality, our personality Beliefs predominate, and our issues about selfishness define how much Self Serving Activity we do. The more we creatively embody a Connection to our self where our personality expresses our higher possibilities, the less judgmental we are about our Personality Self which allows us to establish a more appropriate Connection with others. The solution therefore to Self Serving Activity is to gradually come into greater Acceptance of the need of selfishness to become part of our process. Over time, it becomes more affectively integrated in our system and no longer distances us from others. By loving our selfishness, it no longer dominates our interactions.

The hidden denied belief is the default assumption that we operate from when we are Unconscious. This reflects the worst-case scenario about Self Serving Activity – that the more we fall into patterns that isolate us from others, the more alone we feel. Our loneliness often becomes the justification to pull others down. This process is called ugly pleasures and reflects that, if we cannot feel good, it is more comfortable for us if we can make others feel bad, too. For example, when we see someone who seems self-assured, confident, and happy with their self, and we do not feel this way about our self, we feel driven to discredit them or make them uncomfortable in some way to make ourselves feel better. Self Serving Activity can be a way to distance our self from our pain. It also can be a way to make sure that when we are in pain, others will feel our pain. Through ugly pleasures, we demand that others share our pain so they do not, in a way, escape seeing the dark, gritty side of the situation. If we can get others to feel our pain, we feel better because then we are not alone in our pain.

The more we engage in Self Serving Activities, the easier it is to use ugly pleasures to cut everyone else down to size. Our self-criticism makes it easy to find and attack the weaknesses of others, believing that this is somehow supportive to them. We falsely believe that we support and contribute to others by being critical of them. When others do not seem to see the pain of the world, we think it falls to us to share with them the misery in a way that will put them in touch with why their circumstances are not as rosy as they think they are. An example would be when, at first, we build people up only to tear them down later when they do not agree with us. The Paradox is that we end up projecting our denial on them because they are more inclusive and Conscious than we are and, ironically, we believe they should hold our pain because we cannot do so. This shows how misdirecting our Attention only teaches us that placing the problem outside of us makes it impossible to solve.

Since Self Serving Activity reflects the combination of Personal Dominion with Personal Achievement, it is the peak of individual “Egoic” development. Self Serving Activity is where we learn to see and accept our egoic, separative nature on a Conscious level. This usually means we are coming out of a phase where we were so identified with our Thoughts that we could not acknowledge ourselves as the thinker behind the Thoughts. We begin to move beyond Self Serving Activity when we no longer identify with our Thoughts. Instead of finding our distinctiveness in our Thoughts, we start to realize that our Thoughts are only partial reflections of who we are. By releasing ourselves from the centralized identification with the “I” that takes action, we begin to see ourselves as part of an organic process much larger than we previously Thought possible for us. People often see this as an energetic influence that transcends our physical Presence.

One way we can enhance this is to realize that, as an energetic being, we are not localized in our ability to perceive our reality. Some people have been able to manifest a direct perception of any part of the Universe by placing their Attention on it and energetically traveling to it. Their descriptions and insights have been profound. Another example is non-localized or remote healing where energy and Thoughts are projected from a distance to effect the healing process of another being. The results are particularly impressive when the person does not limit their perception of their own energetic impact.When they envision themselves as “more” a physical being, their power emerges. When people are highly identified with Self Serving Activity, they usually see themselves as a physical envelope that has limited capability to interact with the Universe. Underlying this perception is an apparent neediness that is reflected in a desire to take care of ourselves because we often perceive ourselves as frail and weak. This apparently sets us up to act weak and, therefore, demand that others either live up to our expectations or we, by default, will have to live up to their expectations.

The way to transcend Self Serving Activity is to let go of our attachments to our self-image on both physical and mental levels. Instead of acting from a desire to assert ourselves or to hide from others, we need to find the middle path where our Presence, Playfulness, and learning process engage and invite others to fully participate. We need to step out of our self-protective frameworks where we are, in effect, closed down to new options and new possibilities and find fulfilling ways to interact. The real fear behind Self Serving Activity is that the unexpected or unknown may provoke a reaction in us where we are unable, for fear of shame, blame, or guilt, to respond effectively and resourcefully to the circumstances. We need to overcome this fear of being put on the spot or having to deal with the unexpected by recognizing that this process is an invigorating one that is quite fulfilling. Instead of looking at the unknown as something to avoid, it is possible to see embracing the unknown as a transformative endeavor of the first order.

When others cannot grow with the unknown, it is likely they will use Self Serving Activities to avoid dealing with it. On a personal note, being a person who awakens others to these Unconscious patterns can provoke in them unpredictable reactions. Most of the time, withheld anger, treachery, and denial emerge because we are stimulating a portion of their being that is not yet acknowledged or accepted. It is recommended that we do not push ourselves on them or demand that they be anything different than what they present. Instead, being an example of a person with greater flexibility or responsiveness will encourage them to deal with their own Feelings of inadequacy in their own time. It is critical that we do not reinforce their Beliefs or judge them in a way that further increases their distance from us. Any comments that impose our Beliefs about the meaning of their Self Serving Activity are likely to backfire as they usually take these comments personally.

Personal Autonomy

Personal Autonomy reflects an understanding of both innocence and strength. Personal Autonomy is attractive when others are able to see different perspectives and still speak their Truth. We are attracted to individuals with Personal Autonomy because they are easy and unruffled in changing circumstances in life. The more we are unclear or unable to define our course in life, the more we are attracted to those operating with Personal Autonomy. We associate quality, integrity and the desire for success with Personal Autonomy. We also appreciate how individuals with Personal Autonomy are not as reactive or retaliatory when they are upset. It is more likely that they will go inward in questioning their Experience rather than blaming it on others. We believe that anyone able to express their appetites, and who possesses the ability to engage problems and solve them, would be a good Partner in life. We feel uplifted and kept on our toes when we are around those who manifest Personal Autonomy. The key issue is whether we believe that our Partner is committed to our well being as much their own. This Commitment builds confidence in the value we exchange being in the relationship. The Experience of Personal Autonomy (with our Partner) can be undermined when they constantly change their minds or do not fulfill their stated Intentions. This means we tend to be attracted to others based on the degree they appear to be coherent and committed to a fixed course of action in life.

When our Personal Autonomy was compromised as a child, some of us give up trying to fight for our own place in life. We can even think Personal Autonomy is a fiction made up by people who want to make us wrong. It is common in this situation to fall into the negative pattern of believing we constantly need to compromise ourselves to make any relationship to work. When this occurs we tend to believe that our Partner compromising their selves for us, indicates that they truly love us. The real problem this creates is that we are always attracted most to those who cannot serve or support our own Growth in life.  As a result, we can be attracted to individuals who have compromised themselves and their own Autonomy and want us to remain in this painful process with them. We need to start to see that we deserve to honor our own truth and listen to ourselves. It also means that we can learn from this pain that being in intense relationships where we constantly have to make the effort to connect, is not easy or natural. What is required is for us to shift our priorities and recognize that building our internal Wisdom and learning to Respect and Esteem our own truth, are necessary to break out of this pattern.

Autonomy

Autonomy is the ability to communicate harmlessly and still be seen and honored in our truth. We will be able to identify fully autonomous individuals by their inner strength, flexibility and capacity to engage their truth and the truth of others. The cost of not telling our truth is that others won’t know how to support us where we are. We end up living a life of Conflict because we haven’t shared our differences of perception so that others can become more understanding of why certain things have little or no meaning for us. Our great opportunity is joining with others to transform Conflict into co-creative mutual problem resolution. Personal integrity, Conscious communication and clear Boundaries result from interacting with fully autonomous individuals. At this stage, we recognize that communication allows us to get aligned on a Content level so we can engage things together. The more we are an example of Autonomy, the more others will perceive our integrity and operate more congruently with us. The transmission of Autonomy from person to person throughout the land will be the first stage in the awakening of mankind. May we invoke our creative will in manifesting Autonomy in our life.

Essential Questions:
How Do Our Communications Mirror Our Autonomy and Consciousness?
How and Where Do We Typically Declare Our Autonomy?
How Do We Try To Protect the Autonomy We Have?
What Is the Cost of Not Being Autonomous?
How Do We Embrace and Honor Our Complete Autonomy?

Full Autonomy requires that all participating individuals honor each other equal to themselves. Most of the time we get caught in our Fears that others will not accept our truth as it is. While this is true with Unconscious individuals, Conscious individuals can hear and accept us wherever we are. Conscious individuals prefer to know where things are even if things are not working out. Being harmless requires taking responsibility for the fact that our truth is just that – our truth. The less we fall into Unconscious patterns where we fall into an objectify external truth the less harmless we are in the communication process. Everyone has their own unique truth that cannot effectively be denied by anyone else. The sooner we realize that someone’s Experience is valid no matter how they interpret it, the more likely we will let go of ineffective arguments that go nowhere.


Autonomy is also the result of shifting out of Attachments to Thoughts and Emotions that compromises our ability to be present with others and ourselves. People usually Experience it as a clarity of mind and spirit. It also is a result of not carrying our baggage around with us. This means our Thoughts and Emotions is just that, without the need for us to put our imprint on everything we touch. When we can hold our Thoughts and Emotions without being attached to them, we flow through life more effectively. Mental and Energetic Hygiene is the process of letting go of that which we don’t need. The more confidence we have in our ability to respond to any situation the less we need to be concerned about having all these Thoughts available. How we let go of them is to imagine withdrawing our energetic power from a Thought that no longer serves us. When a Thought or Emotions emerges we can first acknowledge it and say to ourselves “I am letting you go”. With practice, we rebuild our capacity to only engage those Thoughts that actually serve us.

Our goal in performing Mental and Energetic Hygiene is to clear a work space out that allows us to fully examine what’s occurring right now, right where we are. Let us imagine creating an abundant space where all congested or outdated Thoughts have been pruned or at least cut back so we have a space to stand and reflect on what is going on within us. We can also jettison any defensive Thoughts if we really want to clear a creative space for us to exist. Defensive Thoughts and Emotions are partial points of view that are positions that keep us stuck in our past. By recognizing that these Thoughts and Emotions are the debris of our past, we can give ourselves permission to let them go. What we need to recognize is that these incomplete and imbalanced perspectives make it more difficult to share out truth unencumbered with others. Instead, with these defensive Beliefs we get caught up in certain ruts or ways of Thinking that limit our ability to see the larger picture. Let us endeavor to break out of these preconceived ways of operating by making a Commitment to regenerate our Thoughts and Emotions based more on our current in the moment Experience.

When we are able to fully engage our Playfulness and Personality Detachment, we establish a framework to operate Autonomously. Sovereign Autonomy is where we learn a sense of Mutual Esteem that comes from honoring our Self and others equally. It is not fully present unless our Partners are able to be Autonomous as well. When we take Defensive positions about Interpersonal Autonomy (where we focus on the well being of others over our own in order to protect ourselves), or Personal Autonomy (where we focus on the well being of ourselves by keeping away from others), we are not able to be Autonomous. At the core of our Autonomy is our ability to operate with Courageous Integrity. Courageous Integrity is the capability to refrain from compromising our Creative Being, and recognizing that we need to choose and validate what works for us. Individuals such as Harry Palmer, who created the Avatar program, have pioneered many different ways to distinguish who we are from the conditioning and programming of others. One major contribution is his unique perspective on Intention. He suggests that Intention is what shows up.

Autonomy is learning how to speak our truth harmlessly, in Alignment with our integrity and have it heard by others in a way that honors both them and us. Autonomy requires the capacity for self-examination and a constant discovery of our moment-to-moment truth. With Interpersonal Autonomy, we Unconsciously make the truth of others more important than our own, which compromises our ability to take care of ourselves. With Personal Autonomy, we Unconsciously make our truth more important than others’ truth, which generates reactions in others because they Experience denial of their Creativity. When we attempt to avoid being manipulated in either of these ways, we operate from a space of confused Autonomy without any Boundaries, because we try to make our truth whatever others around us are thinking. We need to learn how to sit with our confusion until it clears. Breaking out of society’s mindsets requires that we risk being rejected and misunderstood.

As long as we do not fall into confusion and Co-Dependence, our inner knowing can be a guide that supports us in engaging the world in a Conscious way. The perceived difficulty with the Individuation Process is that it is a lonely path. Actually, while it may initially be lonely, when we engage our truth Consciously, this Experience is transforms into aloneness. This occurs by confronting the conditioning of our Fears and neutralizing and transcending them by seeing their uselessness. If we are engaging the world on a Conscious level, Fears are unnecessary. Only in the Experience of Aloneness can we directly connect others in authentic ways. When we accept our natural aloneness, it allows us to finally transcend our egoic preconceptions about our place in the Universe, as see our natural Unity with it. Aloneness with Universal Unity creates a blissful opportunity to see the Beauty in everything that occurs. This keeps us from falling back into entangled, compromised ways of interacting. It also awakens in us the fallacy of needing others to complete us. While we may be uncomfortable at times because we do not know how the Universe will support us, our new Connection with it is Trustworthy when we engage it without compromise.

Autonomy is Commitment to the path of full Creative Expression. Autonomy requires us to engage and deepen our natural Life Expression, no matter how uncomfortable or difficult it may be. Usually our Fears and Personality Desires create a defensive, dualistic framework in which it seems impossible to accomplish our highest expression without compromising our Safety and Security issues. We need to learn that while we have Fears, we are not our fear. Autonomy is initiated by our ability to share our Truth where we Experience our mutual Aliveness. This means defining ourselves in terms of our highest contribution and attracting others who are committed to their Creativity in the same way. With Mutual Autonomy, we experience Unity with another. This is not Unity based on common Beliefs, but a Unity based on the mutual Appreciation of individual truths.


Unity is a foundation for all mutual creative expression. This occurs only when we have accepted our ability to operate independently. Paradoxically, our Independence and our Partner’s Independence allow us to create full and unique Autonomy. The choice to commit to a mutual creative endeavor must not be based on the fear that we could not do it alone, or the desire to get more out of the process by doing it with others. Rather, we maintain the authentic perception that our Creativity can be synchronized with that of others’ Creativity in the most synergistic combination. Autonomy reflects the truth that our creative spirit must be in Balance with what we receive from the Universe. When Autonomy is mutual, a sharing occurs between our Self and others, which reflects a natural sense of Balance. When one Partner believes we are not in Balance, then we lose a sense of free contribution and need to find a way to re-establish the Balance in whatever way is most appropriate. We are most sensitive at this level to diving into new processes because they can generate new instabilities.


Autonomy is the ability to share our truth while simultaneously honoring the truth of others, in order to harmlessly create a higher, more inclusive truth. This comes together through Playfulness and Personality Detachment when we balance the Masculine and Feminine Content in the most appropriate manner. Playfulness supports us in engaging others, while Personality Detachment helps us to be Self reflective and non-reactive. Our truth becomes more clear when we are not entangled in it. Maintaining a positive attitude and letting go of self protection are two of the most effective ways we can see our truth. Expressing it means not getting overly attached to what others will think about it. When we accept our Masculine and Feminine truth simultaneously, we maintain our consistency and stability so that others can Trust us. When we are internally unified in our truth, we can express it more easily. Our ability to consider our own truth also makes us more receptive to listening and honoring the truth of others.

The benefit of Autonomy skills is that we can bring out the best in others and inspire them through our own Courageous Integrity when we share difficult truths. It also creates a Trust and Security with others when they know we will not hold back. A lack of Autonomy occurs when any single person is not able to overcome their fear of rejection, or desire for Acceptance so that they share less than their complete truth. The more we are caught up believing we need to keep others from reacting to what we say, the less we are Autonomous. Embodied Autonomy requires that all truthful perspectives be appreciated and encouraged so that gradually Alignment can occur. This is easy around Conscious individuals but problematic around Unconscious individuals.

As we own our power, we recognize that we can create our own future, and we awaken to our Connections with others. We start to accept how others are supportive of who we are and where we are going. We appreciate how being with certain people can increase the feedback we get in our lives so we can be more effective in what we do. Mostly, we recognize that we are not alone. This leads us to understand that individuals who are aligned with us can enhance our Creativity. For most of us, this Alignment is a new Experience, because when we were growing up it was unlikely that our way of engaging a process was honored. As we become clearer that we do not have to protect ourselves, we can visualize how being with people who are aligned with us can enhance our possibilities in life.

How Do Communications Mirror My Autonomy and Consciousness?

1.   Believing we need protection leads to miscommunication when we edit our truth and present who we think we need to be to be accepted, admired or adored.
2.   Every attachment from our past increases our rigidity, promotes misunderstanding and invites attack from individuals with contrary attachments.         
3.   The more intense our communications with others becomes, the more likely we are denying our true nature and compromising ourselves in some way with them.
4.   Becoming reactive in conversations is usually the result of misunderstandings or reminders of past situations in which we were compromised.
5.   Long term friendships can be maintained by creating established positions in which we accept any differences presented to us without questioning them.
6.   When we focus on ourselves and communicate in a way that keeps others from influencing us, we end up protecting ourselves by taking the position that others cannot contribute to us.
7.    When we focus on others and communicate in ways that keep us from having to declare our own point of view up front, we reduce our influence with others.

How and Where Do I Typically Declare Autonomy?

The How Section

Consider the possibility that we are agents of the Universe, and that our Intuition connects us to the Universal Plan. By declaring this possibility, let us imagine that we are the voice of the Universe in our own domain. Feel the power of this voice resonating through us, connecting our bodies and spirits into one unified expression. When we are ready, and only when we are ready, let this voice resound in the world, attracting all elements necessary to make our life contribution. Let us now validate and complete our declaration by observing our own inner and outer congruence with it. Notice any reactions in our Universe. Watch to see if we discount our own input or the input of others in creating our personal declaration. Look to see if we sabotage our declaration by limiting what we are willing to declare based on our parental Imprinting.

Behind our communications processes is how we are connected in to both our personal will and universal will. The more we are not conscious of how things are manifesting in the world, the more we are out of touch with universal will. The more clearly we can see universal will, the easier it is to see how it relates to our personal will. Personal will develops initially by trying to avoid personality Fears and embrace Personality Desires. Personal will reflects our sense of uniqueness and allows us to test out our direction to determine if it is in Alignment with universal possibilities. Initially, our personal will is defined by the expectations and Beliefs of others. Over time, we find ways that really resonate within us to be more than what others expected. The more we become identified with our personal will, the more we can misuse it to suppress the creative expression of others. We see this, particularly, the more we are identified with our defenses.

Eventually, we come to realize that our success, both inwardly and outwardly, is defined by how clearly we align ourselves to our unique contribution in a way that supports the expression of universal will. Since we are here now to make a contribution, we know it is possible to make a contribution that will honor our full possibilities and, at the same time, expand the possibilities of the Universe. It is important, therefore, that we don’t try to accentuate our perspective from what we perceive as Universal Intent, by blaming the Universe for what it does not deliver for us. Instead, use the circumstances that arise to redefine and clarify how we can improve our contribution. By doing so, we create a positive development process with the Universe that allows us to be supported by it.

Usually, our parents compromise our Autonomy because they wanted to protect us from making mistakes. What they inadvertently taught us to do is to agree with them rather than find and express our own truth. The more our parents compromised our Autonomy, the more we believe we need to agree with others. Over time, we come to hate ourselves compromising ourselves in this way, which can lead to a sense of rebellion where we seek not to agree with others. This further confuses our sense of Autonomy and leads us to try to be seen in ways that are different than what our parents expected or wanted for us. Sometimes we get confused because we simply don’t believe that other people will work with us as we really are. Instead we look for the easy way to make things work which frequently means we are compromising ourselves on some level.

We start to find out whom we are by making choices where we can see and live with the consequences. The more we honor our Growth process the clearer our own Experience becomes to us. The more we Trust ourselves to be able to deal with the differences of others, the more Freedom we Experience to make mistakes and learn from them. We need to learn to honor ourselves before we can honor others or the Universe around us. Unless we can grow in a systematic way and enlarge our sense of possibilities systematically, we will keep beating ourselves up and sabotaging our expression of our truth. This means that if we haven’t honored our personal will because of our parental conditioning we need to start here before we can deal with others. What we need to do is to be able to live with the consequences of our own choices and feel that no one can compromise us anymore. Until we realize that we are going to live our truth regardless of the consequences, we do not trust ourselves.

Over time, we develop a relationship with ourselves so that we are in touch with our own Personal Truth. If we know our Personal Truth it becomes possible to work with others in a way where we can choose temporarily to take action that reflects a higher truth outside of us. In others words we can become aligned with the Universal Intent demonstrated around us when we know that we are not subverting our own truth within us. This process is about expanding our possibilities by working with others who are able to speak their truth so that together we can create a solution that works for everyone. It is only when we maintain that possibility of following our own truth that we are capable of doing something for a higher possibility outside of us that does not compromise us.

The Where Section (Identifying Our Point of View)

There are always three positions to each style that reflects a defensive point of view. The fourth choice, which reflects a integration between our Masculine and Feminine, is a stand where our skill is embodied. This means we are present with all of our Fears and Personality Desires, and are not defined by them, but can, instead, make a choice that transcends them.

Confused Autonomy: We feel safe and secure declaring our Autonomy only in the Presence of confirmed allies who are willing to be compromised with us. We feel justified, at this stage, to demand that others protect us as we would protect them. At this stage, it is difficult to be autonomous unless we, and everyone in our support group, agree on the best course of action. Confused Autonomy is a reaction to the willful, structured demand for an individual to conform to the Beliefs of others. Individuals who are caught-up in this position are merged with the ideas of what is right, and are therefore struggling to say whatever is necessary in order to preserve our image. This means we are typically completely disconnected from our own Creativity and don’t know what is true for us on a deeper level.

Trying to change us, or fix us, will only bring up greater distancing, as this has been our Experience for our entire life. While we won’t react immediately, we will make the decision in secret, to not include others in our future, due to our need for Safety and Security. Confused Autonomy indicates that we are still scared of stepping outside of our parental Imprinting. We tend to attract others to us that are dealing with their Imprinting issues making it hard to know what the truth is around us. What we need to deal with is the fear that others will judge us if we don’t do what’s commonly accepted. The more we get sucked into playing roles to please others, the less we trust ourselves. We feel that others are able to punish us by reacting to us and draining our energy. Therefore, we try to avoid whatever Conflict we can because we believe the easiest way through he process is not to challenge the way others are being around us. Unfortunately this just keeps us stuck and we end up growing in ways where we hate ourselves.

Personal Autonomy: We feel secure declaring what is true for us, independent of others, even in environments with opposition. However, more involved are with others, greater opportunities there are for compromise. This is the position where we typically become highly identified with our personal will and, therefore, act in ways that appear to be self-centered in order to minimize the degree we feel that we have to compromise for others. Usually, this occurs because we don’t Trust that others have our interest in mind and believe that, if we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will. What we are typically reacting to is ways parents or caretakers have compromised us in the past, and intruded or discounted our own way of accomplishing something. Agreement (and not Alignment) becomes our standard for practical effectiveness, as we do not Trust our spiritual nature.


The problem we run into is that others tend to react to what we say no matter what we say. Usually we discount their reactions believing that they just don’t have the skills or assertiveness to tell the truth about what they need. While we pity them, we don’t empathize with them because we believe that anyone who’s not able to speak their truth is not worth helping. What we don’t see is our own disconnection from people and that many of the reactions of others are based on our insensitivity and directness to their Feelings. We do not take our own Feelings seriously therefore we do not believe we should define ourselves in a way where we should be sensitive to the issues of others. What we don’t realize is that our full truth requires us to be present on four levels: Physical, Feeling/Emotional, Intellectualand Intuitive.

Personal Autonomy tends to discount the Feelings/Emotional and intuitive and emphasize the Intellectual and physical. This is why the conversations from a position of Personal Autonomy are focused around personal assertions of truth where we seek the agreement of others. Since we believe that our truths will be validated by external reality, we deal exclusively with things like the weather, sports, and other visually ascertainable situations in life. This allows our reality to be relatively simple and black and white. This is also why we don’t understand the complicated, multi-layered viewpoint of individuals in inner Personal Autonomy because there is too much complexity for us to process. For this reason we try to avoid asking questions that have a spectrum of answers.

Interpersonal Autonomy: We feel safe listening and declaring the truth of the group over our own truth. Fewer people involved in any discussion enhance the need for unique expression to reflect this diversity. Group Alignment is sought over personal agreement as the standard for long-term success. In this position, we are typically accentuating our identification with universal will at the cost of embracing our own personal will. We can validate this by the degree we naturally feel we should be selfless, or be willing to take the high road, which involves tremendous pain and Sacrifice. It is not that Sacrifice in this manner won’t be helpful; it is just not always effective. Many times individuals in this position merge with others they feel are more powerful in order to amplify their perception that they can be effective. The problem is that they never developed their own capacity to make things work by being personally responsible for making things happen.


The problem with being in this position is we tend to discount our own Personal Truth and are subsumes into the larger picture. When we do discuss things it is to validate the energetic truth around us. It is for this reason that we love open-ended questions that give others flexibility in responding to us. As we focus on our Emotional and Intuitive Reality and not so much the physical and Intellectual frameworks we prefer answers that have spiritual depth and subtlety. Failing this, we like complex answers that we have to figure out. Our challenge is to focus on ourselves and get our truth as simple as possible. The more we make our truth complex, the more others around us don’t totally understand us. What we are attempting to accomplish is to get others to appreciate our sensitivity and inner understanding which we believe is a primary contribution to others around us.

Sovereign Autonomy: When we are ableto see and accept our own Personal Truth and recognize the truth of the group around us as an independent variable then we actually have a choice about engaging the process. What we need to do is first to always tell our truth. If we don’t tell our truth we will not be able to contribute to the group and instead will become an obstacle to the Growth of the group. When we are able to tell our truth and have it heard it provides us with the opportunity to stay connected to the group so we can choose to engage and do things differently than our truth in order to serve the group. We can participate outside our natural Boundaries of our truth only if our truth is told.


Sovereign Autonomy means that we can be counted on under all circumstances to tell our truth and operate like an embassy operates in a foreign country. This means that others should recognize that they have no hold on us except through discussion where we agree or desire to participate even when we don’t agree. If others Respect that we have this right and choice then they come to understand that we can’t be forced into something that is not in our interest. Instead it is best to invite others to participate and let them show up in ways that honor them. This premise that we cannot be forced to something we’re not is directly counter to the assumption our parents have about us as children. Typically our parents resorted to force and coercion to get us to do what they wanted. As a result we learned to be covert, passive-aggressive and not to participate or be enthusiastic with others.


When we restore our inner balance and develop the Commitment to listen to our own truth under all situations then we recover our ability to participate fully. The more we do not doubt our truth the easier it is for us to engage possibilities and see where they lead. The more we are confused about the options around us the more it reminds us of the mixed messages of our parents and how we were compromised in our past. What we are seeking to do is to be able to speak our truth and then live congruent to it. The more these two are in sync, the more we develop our inner self-Esteem and the more confident we are that we can deal with others in a way that works for us. Usually this requires knowing our truth on all four levels and being able to communicate our truth effectively to others so they understand where we are in the process.

We can express our truth and reflect the truth around us in any situation under any circumstance. Our Autonomy is expressed by a direct Connection to our creative spirit and to the creative spirit of others around us. These Connections empower unambiguous physical, Emotional and Intellectual interaction with others (clear Boundaries), which allows us to Experience our Alignment with Universal spiritual will. Most individuals don’t know how to Consciously connect and be unified on this level with others. Many times, we have identified ourselves with our Thoughts, meaning that if we have the same Thoughts as others, they can repel us. This is because we Experience no differentiation when we have the same Thought. As the mind is seeking to be different, and doesn’t know itself when it is in agreement, it doesn’t know how to deal with this. The way to neutralize our polarization, is to learn to enjoy these Experiences of Thought unification and realize that we’re not as compromised by agreement as we imagine. We need to learn to enjoy our higher abstract mind, which can see congruency and communication in a different way than our lower, Habitual and conditioned mind.

While Sovereign Autonomy operates from free will (which is where we align our personal will with Universal will), it is ever so sweet to Experience true Alignment with others. I can tell my truth, and hear the truth of others, without discounting it in any way. This is because I recognize that any differences in opinion can actually support Mutual Growth and understanding. The key principle to remember is that we have to be able to tell the truth about where we are, so that the truth of others can be aligned with us. The power that arises when we realize that we will not compromise our Self and fall into Co-Dependent patterns supports us in being courageous with others, so that we are supportive of their breakthroughs in Autonomy.

How Do I Protect the Autonomy I Perceive I Have?

Confused Autonomy (Doubt About Our True Personality Expression and Creative Source): Past parental Conflicts teach us to limit our Availability and reduce our exposure by pretending to be straightforward, while simultaneously seeking validation for what is right. By constantly second guessing ourselves, we reduce the clarity of what is important in our own life; this allows us to not be responsible for what is our own truth. Instead, we use the expectations of others to justify our confused choices. In the end, we believe that we are preserving harmony, when actually; the harmony we experience is based on our own denial of ourselves.

Personal Autonomy (Sabotaging Our Creative Source): Past creative denial by others has taught us to minimize outside influence on us by protecting ourselves from others’ suggestions. We accomplish this by patronizing, discounting or minimizing any commentary that threatens our self-image and Security through time. We also tend to discount anything that appears to be ungrounded, creative, or spiritual in nature, because we feel that these possibilities challenge our own perspective about what is true. We don’t realize that our inability to talk about our Fears is actually undermining our creative and spiritual possibilities. Instead, we become fixated on being consistent and maintaining our sense of stability by doing things the same way over and over. In this way, we can keep our communications clear and unambiguous so that others will not get the idea that we need anything else other than what we already have.

Interpersonal Autonomy (Sabotaging Our Personality Manifestation): Past denial of our capability to physically manifest our ideals teaches us not to declare our truth up front and protect ourselves by hiding out in group assertions. Sometimes, this means speaking for the group what we perceive the group truth is so that we don’t have to reveal our own personal ideas. We also accomplish this by ignoring, discounting or presenting a “larger view” that expresses our perspective on a transpersonal, and not personal, level. What we are afraid of is being seen in a way that others judge us as weak. Instead, we preoccupy ourselves with saying things that allows us to minimize the amount of Conflict in the interactions around us. In this way, we become known as a Conflict-mediator and being slick and smooth in our communication process. Individuals in the position of Personal Autonomy consider individuals with the position of Interpersonal Autonomy untrustworthy because we change faster than they can deal with it.


Sovereign Autonomy: Declaring our truth sets us free from the expectations of others. It does not protect us in any way from their Judgments, positions or points of view. There is no protection from these, nor is any needed. Anyone that attacks us for our truth is scared because they don’t have a way of expressing their own truth at the same level. This reflects how little they know themselves as Creative Beings. What triggers people is the false association that there is a universal truth. Instead, when a person says their truth, they are stating their own reality and not anything beyond it. Sovereign Autonomy is when someone knows their Self as a Creative Being strongly enough to be able to say their truth in a way that simultaneously honors themselves and others around them.

What is the Cost of Not Being Autonomous?

Confusion and lack of feedback about our life work requires that we engage our Growth process in a Conscious way. Without this feedback process, Growth is minimized and we Unconsciously sabotage our destiny. The biggest problem is parental Imprinting that denies our true nature and keeps us stuck in unfulfilling patterns. The second issue is taking positions that limit our Growth. Until we become familiar with and accept our Masculine and Feminine sides, these positions will minimize our Growth by eliminating feedback. This occurs because we get intense and competitive. The more we are polarized, the more we can’t see what is going on with our Partner and be supportive in any way. When we begin to experiment with including our truth and the truth of others simultaneously, we will finally develop and Experience the break-through of Creative Alignment.

Inability to create Alignment with our life Partner will reduce the ability to be reflected and met. When we cannot embrace uncomfortable differences and similarities, we diminish the refinement and clarifications that naturally occur. What we need to learn is how to see that differences are opportunities for Growth. The more we have difficulties with uncomfortable similarities, the more likely there are parts of ourselves we do not love. Simply said, Paradox permits us to transcend any previous limitations or areas of Unconsciousness and come into Alignment. Eventually, we learn to move between the two worlds of inner and outer Experience, using the relationship to confirm our knowing. This leads us to create an internal and external relationship space in which we explore our Masculine and Feminine creative styles to find the most fulfilling way to express the relationship.

Difficulty in getting or giving support in our community increases to the degree we are not autonomous. The more autonomous we become, the more we attract others who are autonomous. Our communities are typically either Unconscious, where everyone is in a state of compromise and tries to maintain appearances at all cost, or Conscious, where we enjoy differences and use them to discover our shadow elements. As long as there are image attachments, everyone will misinterpret the Intention of each other, being fearful about the meaning of any acknowledgement or offer of support. The more we are creatively aligned, the less we care about our image, and the more others are both willing to give to and receive from us.

How Do I Embrace and Honor my Complete Autonomy?

Sovereign Autonomy individuals have discovered the inner capacity to be our Self with others while encouraging others to be their Self as well. When we are in Sovereign Autonomy, we act as examples by telling our truth and encouraging the truth of others. Whenever we see people holding themselves back, we let them know that it is okay to say whatever is true for them. In this way, we build their capability to come straight out with whatever their truth is. We also demonstrate that in telling the truth, we bring greater Unity to the people around us by showing them it is safe not to be their image. Instead, we support the premise that letting go of our superficial image is a courageous act that supports our ability to tell the truth.


At the core of Sovereign Autonomy is the ability to define our own truth. From some individuals, this means conquering our fear of being alone. When we lose our Self in others, it indicates that our need to be accepted and liked is more important than our desire to be Autonomous. Learning that we can be alone and prosper provides a foundation for recognizing when we are defining and superficially changing our Self to please others. It is ironic that others see this process more easily then we do, and tend to discount us because it makes us appear weak. Even if they are doing the same thing (which they do not usually see) they tend use this insight to get more out of us. As a result, the more Co-Dependent we are the more easily we are manipulated by them. Learning to manage our Self means to appropriately ask others for support. This requires being able to distinguish between needing support (which reflects that we need to learn how to care for our Self in this area) and asking for support (as a way to connect and create together new possibilities).

When we are attached to Partners in inappropriate ways, we are scared to not perform for them. This leads to an inability to tell our Partner difficult truths. At the core is our fear that if we have no-one, we will be at a severe disadvantage in our ability to survive. From the perspective of our fear, it is safer to be compromised but with someone, then to be alone and on our own. In order to Consciously grow, it is necessary to know we can survive on our own in order to preserve the choice that we can leave if it is not appropriate. Telling the truth about this is, for most, a difficult task, because our own Fears of not having what we need in the future, drives us to try to keep our options open. When we realize that closing the down to inappropriate options always results in new doors opening up, it supports us in moving forward to tell our truth consistently.

Individuals doing Sovereign Autonomy are cognizant of the fact that we can only work together to the degree that we can be unified by our truth. When others withhold their truth, they become Unconscious saboteurs of the creative process. We realize we are only as autonomous as our weakest link. Therefore, we use Mutual Accomplishment as a framework for Mutual Growth. Reducing polarization is an indication that we are meeting each other directly, increasing Trust and growing together. Increasing polarization and positioning indicate we are getting more distant, reducing Trust and growing apart. We need to use synchronistic Experiences where our joint interests can build the bridge back to common Appreciation. The less reactive and the more adaptable and flexible we are in engaging new ways of interacting, the more Autonomy becomes a group Experience. Mutual Trust is the best indication that Sovereign Autonomy has occurred.

The Primary Problem That Keeps Us From Speaking Our Truth

It is our fear of being ostracized that keeps us from telling our truth. Ironically, it is great to be ostracized from groups where our truth cannot be told. Living with the consequences of telling our truth can be seen as challenging, but it also can be seen as liberating. The comment “The truth will set you free,” supports the notion that by telling our truth we get less attached to our own perception of ourselves, and our perception about others. We no longer have to perform for others or feel that we have to compromise ourselves in order to be seen and appreciated by them. The Paradox of this process is that the more we see things in our own terms, the more Respect others have for us because we become more valuable as a contributor. The problem that we face is that, sometimes, we don’t want to be alone, which leads us to conclude that we have to compromise somewhat in order to have people around us. This, of course, attracts the wrong people to us. With Conscious individuals, we can say anything and express our truth in any way and it won’t be seen or interpreted in a way that distances us from them. Since many individuals are yearning for the ability to tell their truth, it is critical that we now start to produce examples where our truth can be told.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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