Attractions | HA events

Knowing About Attractions

Attractions Reveal Our Lessons

Instinctive Attractions are Sexy, Smart and Reliable. When we first meet individuals, there is a sexual chemistry that is revealed when a partner is similar to our parental pattern. This pattern accentuates the possibility of rejection, putting us on our best behavior. We try to be engaging, delightful and even sociable people! Our attraction is one of familiarity and we are comforted by the experience of Excitement. Some would say this is the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the relationship where no one actually gets to know anyone else because of all the Pretenses at work. What we notice, is that it is all Excitement-driven, so it is always about the fear that they will not ‘get’ us, or the desire that someone will connect with us and be there for us in ways that our parents were not. 

This Excitement delineates the fact that we are putting our best foot forward in a way that they may later think was disingenuous. All of us, at this stage, are afraid that our partner will interpret this as being phony or inauthentic. How we justify our attraction is through the hope that when they get to know us, they will find us worthwhile, and will recognize that there is more to us than our surface features. The lessons we learn that all is fair in love and war, and that individuals have a persona that might not reveal their true intentions. This means we need to understand our partners in a larger context to appropriately evaluate them. If we take the short-term view, we are frequently disappointed.

Cellular Affinity or Sexual Chemistry helps us to see that there is an energetic balance or unity possible with others. It has to always originate in us, and then radiate outward to meet our partner. Otherwise, it becomes an Excitement, where we try to acquire the energy of others to support our energy. When two people who are conscious get together sexually, it creates a much more Alive field of interaction. Since both of us are adding something to the experience of being with each other, it is the opposite of boring or feeling jaded. These experiences only happen with Excitement because Excitement comes from a lack of energetic sustainability. Therefore, Excitement is always going to promote out of balance expression and general neediness for reassurance in both partners.

Initially, we find ourselves attracted to outer beauty. This is part of the reason we seek Excitement and not Aliveness. Our fantasies are based more on the perception of possibilities than the reality of who the partner is to us. When we are constantly surprised by the lack of understanding about our choices, and their impact on us, we become disinterested and superficial options. This reflects how Attractions teach us about what works and keeps elevating our desire for something better when things do not work out. We let go of these kinds of short-term, highly charged falling-in- love infatuations when we get tired of the painful breakups they guarantee. This usually corresponds with the desire to have partners who will need us to move forward in their lives and cannot easily break up with us.

Intellectual Attractions

Intellectual Attractions are Innocence, Strength and Personal Autonomy. What we are selling our partners at this level is the fact that we could be a stable, long-term investment in their security. Instead of being seen as completely strong or completely weak, we begin to see that we are a mixture of strengths and weaknesses that mirror our partner’s qualities. Attractions tend to increase our co-dependence with partners.  For example, if one partner portrays Innocence, it encourages the other partner to seem strong. We also seek complementary strengths so we can feel more secure. The lesson is that we are not likely good at everything, so we need others to fill in our gaps so that we can be good enough. This concept grows into being only complete when we are together, and that our partner is our better half.

This reinforces the co-dependence framework at the cost of our natural creative independence. Because we so clearly need our partner, we feel unable to even acknowledge them without building up the case for their strengths and reinforcing the fact that we are weaker. The real lesson, should we choose to accept it, is that we all have individual contributions based on our strengths that we are here to make, and that we will make them, given the chance. Intensity is the indication that we are caught up in positions and cannot completely embrace our truth. Instead, we take partial positions and seek others that will agree with us.

Vibratory Response, or Intellectual Stimulation, is the result of being able to share our truth with partners. Instead of having Positions, and the inevitable Intensity that comes with them as we argue over the details, we grow used to the experience of peaceful unity that comes with Wisdom. Intellectual Stimulation is an Attraction that everyone has, but few really understand, because they have not experienced it cleanly. Being with someone who is present with their truth helps us experience this. These individuals have no need to prove themselves and never make us wrong for what we believe. Instead, they honor and respect our opinions, and take them into full consideration when making their own choices. This is usually the opposite of most partners we meet out in the world who want us to conform to their truth, or else they feel you are making them wrong.


Co-Dependence encourages defensive behaviors. It also lock us into polar opposite attractions. When one individual is using masculine Attractions, the other will be operating in feminine Attractions. We can spend a lot of time operating at this level because we feel comfortable and secure in the knowledge that our partners can and will protect us when possible. The challenge is that when we are stuck in one polarity or other other, our growth is severely limited. The more we let our partners take care of their side of the relationship, the less we need to be responsible for making things work together. When enough Intensity builds up, the relationship becomes poisonous, leading to divorce. One of the main reasons for high divorce rates is because we have lost an aspect of ourselves and are defined in terms of a partner who cannot grow and develop with us.

Idealized Attractions

Idealized Attractions are Self Acceptance, Personality Self Rejection and Personal Intimacy. For many of us, accepting ourselves as we are is a big job. There are so many ways we are self-critical, and so many ways we deny our own power, that innately accepting our ability to love ourselves seems like a big mountain to climb. As long as we do not love ourselves, we sabotage any relationship that would be better for us. For some individuals, the opposite is even more painful. When we are doing Personality Self Rejection, we hate it when others treat us well, or idealize us. It drives us to act out all of our inadequacies so we can no longer be deluded about ourselves. Another reason we act out our limitations is that we do not want others to put pressure on us to be more or do more than we feel comfortable.

The reason we like playing the Bad Boy or Bad Girl is that for so long we have been caught in the expectations of our parents and friends about how ‘good’ we are. Eventually, this tips us over the edge and we have to prove them all wrong. Of course, if we were to put Self Acceptance and Personality Self Rejection together, we would notice that we are a normal, fun-loving, and also nice, person. Just the kind of person who could be Intimate because we are no longer imprisoned by the expectations of others. The lesson is that when we learn to love ourselves with others, it allows us to see the positive experience of ourselves without feeling like we are phony. Until we realize that our personality perspective is not as important as our creative perspective, we continue to pursue Personality Self-Importance games that have no socially redeeming value. Anxiety is due to constantly comparing ourselves to others. We use Anxiety to justify a lot of poor decisions.

Vibratory Expansion, or Creative Chemistry is the result of opening ourselves up to someone who is aware of their creative differences. Usually, we need someone to provide an example of how they understand their own nature. These individuals come to accept themselves as they are for both the strengths they possess, and also their weaknesses. The real value in understanding people is being able to choose partners with the same factors as us. This makes it easy to be seen and understood and leads to a similar Authentic Life Expression. If we want partners to be able to support us, then we should investigate those types who are similar to us, rather than hiding away from and avoiding these individuals. Usually, our personality is repulsed by those with similar Compatibility Factors to us because we have not been appreciated for our traits in the past, and we do not know if we will survive the encounter. This indicates that there are at least some aspects of ourselves we do not love. However, when we love all the creative aspects of ourselves, we will magnetize opportunities to us.

With the Intuitive Attractions of Self Acceptance, Personality Self Rejection and Intimacy the most important thing is to be with partners who believe in us. They do not have to agree with us, but they have to recognize and accept our motivations and intentions as genuine. This means our lesson is about shaping meaning and deriving value from our partner. If we have a partner who does not support us we feel unimportant. The challenge is that with Idealized Attractions our Feelings and Emotions are amplified, which makes us more sensitive to the people around us. If we do not experience empathy and compassion with these people, they do not last as partners.

Intuitive Attractions

Intuitive Attractions are Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness. Aliveness is both a higher level Attraction and a key component in building skills with others. It is about being present without needing to react to differences. Wisdom is also a high-level Attraction that helps us build our connections to others with Skills. It is the capacity to share understanding by recognizing differences in how we think, yet finding ways to bring our thoughts together. People sense the Attraction of Aliveness and Wisdom if, for no other reason, because they anchor our Defensive Identity. Aliveness is a commitment to putting ourselves at the forefront of any activity (which is a naturally masculine expression). Wisdom is a commitment to be receptive to others with different Truths and to find a common Unity that can bring us together (the feminine expression). The expression of Aliveness is therefore the aspiration of a Dynamic Defense Style. The expression of Wisdom is the purpose of a Disarming Defense Style. When the two come together, it opens the door for greater awareness so we choose partners who see things in different ways, but with the same depth or capacity to deal with both differences and similarities. Awareness is the great unifier for all Attractions. Whether we realize it or not, we declare the Attractions we manifest in our lives. There are no accidental Attractions!

Our highest Attractions are roughly the equivalent of Life, Light and Love. We value ourselves, and our own understanding of who we are, which helps us to appreciate the similarities and differences of others. Aliveness is the expression of our Life energy, which means to engage others and bring out the best they have to offer. Wisdom is the expression of Light, which is the opposite of losing ourselves in our Defenses. With Wisdom, our intelligences are unified and our capacity to see the Wisdom of our partners is enhanced. When others naturally expand our own vision, it is an increase in Awareness that shows up as Love. Radiant Self Unifying Love is experienced when we are with people who get and accept us for our contributions. The more we are able to contribute, the stronger this experience becomes within us. Eventually, it magnetizes people with similarities towards us, and repulses those who have creative differences and particularly, people with a lower WorldView.

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