The Solution

Relationships are challenging. When they bring out the worst in us, we feel defeated and deflated. When we align or synchronize with someone, it can be a transformative experience. Besides looking for better people, what can we do? First, we can learn about our Authentic Nature. When we do, we break out of self-imposed limitations and become real people. As Plato says, “Know Thyself”, which to Higher Alignment means knowing our Compatibility Factors. Second, we can learn to recognize in others what is going on with them. This means being able to see how our patterns interact with theirs, which offers more solutions to promote greater alignment. We could also understand and accept the people who are showing up in our life. Where previously, this was disempowering, imagine that with Higher Alignment insights we could see the differences in others and celebrate them. This could vastly increase the number of people we relate to without compromising ourselves.

What if we can be present to others without becoming entangled or co-dependent? Consider how desires create situations where we think we need others to complete us. Can we operate with enough Autonomy so we are internally balanced and do not need others to validate us? The more we know and accept our Creative patterns and gifts the less likely we can be compromised by others. In addition, we will quickly be able to identify when imbalances in others are dragging us into a vortex, where we see the diminishing returns of co-dependence. Seeing our own limitations allows us to neutralize their impacts, so through acceptance, we do not need to hide. This possibility scares away those who need constant reassurance that we will be there for them. They are probably anxious pretenders who do not know themselves. Instead, we can attract stronger individuals who are more resourceful and creative. This leads us to recognizing the types of individuals (perhaps 20-60% of those in our lives) who most undermine and compromise us.

Choosing the best relationships to develop is a core skill. Taking an inventory of individuals who drain us, and separating them from those who are neutral or are energetically supportive is the first step to investing in a better future. Compatibility Factors are patterns of behavior that either support us or compromise us, particularly if our parents have used them to manipulate or control us. Every Compatibility Factor is actually a neutral pattern that can be used to deepen our relationships. When a factor is the same, we naturally feel accepted, seen and most importantly, experience a positive Creative Flow. When a factor is different, we may not connect because they usually operate differently than we do. There does not need to be any judgment about differences, particularly, if we can recognize the patterns in play. Truthfully, it takes many types of individuals to make the world work.

Reactions are the result of denying our own patterns or believing that others with certain patterns will compromise us. Our ability to recognize these reactions confirms the power of knowing about Compatibility Factors. The more we know these patterns in ourselves, the easier it is to see them in others. It is our past experiences that cause us to be trapped in negative ways of interacting with individuals who have patterns similar to our parents. It is ironic how instinctively we know and are attracted to individuals who have our parental patterns. This attraction is identified by Excitement, which tells us that we are fearful but want to be successful at connecting with these individuals. What we are seeking is to have someone who unambiguously sees and wants us. The more conscious we are about this, the more we will leave these choices behind by no longer investing in unconscious, reactive relationships.

If we weed out the people who are operating from our parental patterns, it empowers us to develop greater Autonomy and Intimacy Skills. This means our ability to speak our Truth and be seen in it dramatically increases. Instead of being seen in terms of strengths and weaknesses, we can begin to be appreciated for our individuality and purpose. When we affirm each Compatibility Factor within ourselves, we have a positive way of expressing ourselves in the world. We start to see how each aspect of ourselves amplifies some meaning or purpose. Gradually, we develop an understanding of what lessons we are here to engage. This allows us to dive into new experiences and trust that we will emerge more powerful than when we started. Along the way, we learn how to get things done so that we are both harmless and effective at making a difference in the world.

If we learn to do a Common Neutral Ground (CNG), we can develop co-creative partnerships. To do this, we need to honor the inherent masculine and feminine within each of us to create the equality and co-creativity required for conscious relationships. This occurs because we have worked through and clarified all the conflicts within ourselves between our masculine and feminine sides. It allows us to create a more unified, spacious experience of ourselves because we are not carrying around our baggage. When self-perceptions are based upon Aliveness, Wisdom and Awareness and not on Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety, we are no longer trapped in our conditioning. Instead, we show up as initiators and full participants in our relationships. In short, we want to blaze new paths and create new types of relationships that can be however we want them to be.

Acknowledging Our Beauty

In every relationship, there is either a conscious or unconscious Intent. This Intent is what drives our Motives and creates a sense of direction that is either aligned or not aligned with our partner. Most individuals are attracted to our energy, even though they do not articulate it in this way. The fundamental question is ‘do we know who we are and are we clear about our inherent Beauty’? Most of us make choices about whether or not to stay in relationships based on our path or the path of our partner. This requires us to recognize the true intent of our partners to have any long-term stability and connection. We tend to measure partners by how aligned we are with their actions. We are impressed when our partner completes or does what they say with minimum effort. All this provides a sense of direction, where our partner either makes our path easier or harder, depending on their alignment with us. This is why learning about Compatibility Factors is so critical.

To recognize the energy of others, we must first be able to see and accept it in ourselves. This requires experiencing ourselves at an energetic level and identifying which interactions are fulfilling and what ways of connecting diminish our options. Many individuals ignore their energetic experience because, in the past, it was in conflict with what they were told. When we have this kind of repression, we get caught in our fears of making a mistake or doing something that has negative consequences. As a result, we lock down our ability to take action and require others to affirm that they are in agreement in advance. By living in this herd-like safety zone, where everybody oversees and care takes everyone else, we become more insulated and isolated from making our own choices. This promotes a superficial mediocrity of agreement where Beauty is avoided. This is what makes Beauty rare and attractive. It is also why we become preoccupied with sexual chemistry as the substitute for the lack of Life connection we experience. Beauty awakens us to our true Life Energy. It is the lightning experience of realizing we have been sleepwalking in a jaded world. No wonder we need constant stimulation and distraction because we are bored with ourselves.

When we acknowledge our Beauty, we can see Beauty in others. This Beauty is not just an outer perception of perfection but rather, an inward appreciation of how we uniquely express ourselves. Beauty is not just about acknowledging others; it is about seeing the great qualities within us that we radiate into the world. What are the qualities that make us great? How could we convey them consciously rather than keeping them in the background? Every individual’s Primary Creative Expression has unique qualities that send goose bumps down our spine. When we step into and acknowledge our ways of creative being, Universal Power flows through us, and others are awakened by our Presence.

This is why we use the word Aliveness to describe our actualization process. It awakens and invites others to show up with us. What amplifies our Beauty is all the ways we customize our expression in terms of our Compatibility Factors. For example, our Pacing conveys a sense of the speed at which we operate to be in our full power. When we operate at our natural speed, our ability to take in new experiences expands and we are able to bring others into alignment with us, sometimes magically. This is an example of finding the perfect expression in each moment so that others can engage us in a greater way. We need to see and embrace all the qualities that make us beautiful, so we can attract the life we would like.

Acknowledging Our Truth

In all relationships our Truth either supports the Truth of our partner, or not. While we always seek mutual Truth so we have a foundation to build upon, doing so in a co-dependent manner actually compromises our ability to implement our Truth. If we deny our own truth we need others to provide the intellectual stimulation we lack internally. When we believe we are our Defense pattern we cut ourselves off from our Truth. Since Truth is found in the balance between our Emotions and Thoughts, what we really seek is Wisdom and not signs of non-alignment such as the experience of Intensity (which is a self denial of Truth) or Competition (which is a projection of our separativeness). Competition always results in co-dependence because we seek external checks and balances, rather than building internal relationships between Competition and Cooperation. We need to affirm our contribution with the contributions of others to do this. Our Truth is the merging of all aspects of our knowing, so we can represent ourselves clearly. When we realize that we shape our experience, it reveals that all Truth is both Objective and Subjective, simultaneously. It also encourages us to remember that only those who do not know themselves are afraid of the truth of others.

How do we define ourselves as thinking beings when we are more than our Thoughts? When we get caught in limited perspectives, we become defensive and we attract opposite-defense partners. This is due to the fact that we are not covering all of our bases and we need someone to make us feel secure and complete. This is why we recommend bringing similar defense individuals together because it forces them to build greater Unity, rather than separation. Unity thinking where “from the many, arises the one” allows us to see the strength in working together for common lessons. It is only through common lessons that Mutual Truth is generated. How we evolve as human beings is through Attractions, nine of which are weak, compromised Attractions where we seek partners to complete us. Nine are strong Attractions that drive us to reconcile and unify within ourselves.

Higher Alignment teaches us how to maximize our growth by using Attractions rather than being at the effect of old attraction patterns. Otherwise, we keep repeating patterns of our past to no effect, because the lessons no longer have meaning for us. The most important value of knowing our Truth is being able to engage the problems in our lives and clarify how these lessons empower us. The result is a meaningful existence. This requires developing a wide-ranging appreciation for problem solving, especially exploring how different creative models could advance our growth. Higher Alignment clarifies choices so our process can be amplified and accelerated. This occurs when Compatibility Factors are linked to Motives and Attractions, where we can accept or choose new lessons.

Being present in our experience and open to discovering the value of what is occurring right now means we need to be able to go beyond fixed ways of knowing or set ways of processing our experience. Pretenses and Defenses trap us in what we know and reinforce the interpretation of our experience in terms of our past. When we let go of the pre-conditioning of our experience, we become free to consider new options and build new ways of expressing ourselves. This transformation process from Defenses to positive Creative Expression is what frees us from preconceived ways of operating. In the vernacular of the younger people of today it is about ‘becoming real,’ or spontaneous. It also supports us in reinterpreting our experience based on what is going on right now so we are always ready for new things to occur. Healing our Defenses integrates our masculine and feminine into a more powerful Pioneering expression. This is about manifesting new experiences as our Truth is constantly being regenerated.

Acknowledging Our Goodness

We can deny, superficially accept, or are willing to be a good person. When we idealize ourselves or others, we deny or accept that true, embodied Goodness is out of our reach. What we are actually saying is we do not know how to co-measure our contribution with others in an equal relationship. This means our relationship is not based on mutual contributions, but instead focuses on caretaking or the manipulative use of others to serve our needs. In short, we do not know what unifies us.  The answer is accepting our Creative Nature as a contributor. Until we love and accept our creative goodness we are our own worst saboteur. This process is amplified by our inability to distinguish between our Feelings and Emotions, causing us to project our experiences inaccurately or inappropriately on others. The degree to which we are not creatively unified is the same degree to which we sabotage possibilities in the name of ideals. Sometimes, this is because we are distracted by our need for perfection, or our demands that others agree with us supersedes our common sense.

This fundamentally keeps us from focusing on the most important question, “Who do we serve?” There needs to be something that we aspire to or want to contribute to the world that encourages us to go beyond our current self-perceptions. Are we able to see ourselves as bigger than our story, or do we limit ourselves to the story we tell? In a distorted way, this is called Idealization. An authentic way is about empowering mutual experiences where we manifest new ways of relating. Goodness naturally inspires us to redefine ourselves so new choices can be explored. Sometimes this means taking a retreat and going into the world of Silence so our personality desires and fears can recede into the distance.

Goodness is an act of kindness where we connect to others as equals. It is enhanced to the degree we have activated the Twelve Relationship Skills so our Goodness can be expressed and received. On the Instinctive level, our Skills are Aliveness, Wisdom and Growth. Aliveness focuses on activating the masculine and Wisdom activates the feminine. Growth is the common Instinctive factor that requires both Aliveness and Wisdom. The masculine can then be enhanced by Playfulness, Paradox and Mutual Learning, while the feminine is enhanced by Personality Detachment, Physical Discernment and Intuitive Discrimination. At each level, when other Skills are engaged, they support the integration and embodiment of Autonomy, Intimacy and Co-Creativity. Each is a doorway for connecting with a partner if they are able to be present in this way with us.

Relationship Skills help us build Right Relationships where both parties can become resources for each other. Without this kind of engagement, relationships would not be transformative opportunities. What occurs is much stronger bonding, as we feel a deeper connection with our partner. Ironically, it is personal Autonomy that empowers Transpersonal Sovereign Autonomy in relationship. While we continue to grow in our personal Context, a creative Synergy of the CNG empowers a much larger Transpersonal Context so we are more aware of our surroundings and what is going on in the world.

Most individuals have only activated one to three of twelve possible Skills. Of the ones activated, only one or fewer are also Skills used by the primary partners we choose. This is why we have so few models of great relationships. It also explains why we do not put any attention on Compatibility Factors earlier in our lives. We just do not know what is possible. The secret to being able to choose conscious partners and have them respond to us lies completely in the activation of our Skills. Assuming that our partner wants to be in a conscious relationship, they will always respond to Skills because it is the quickest, most powerful way to experience Communion, Love and Acceptance. If we were active in more than six Skills, very few individuals would ever say no to us.

Creating Conscious Relationships

Higher Alignment is a movement that began thirty years ago. It started out by clarifying Compatibility Factors and has evolved into recognizing the power of Motives, Attractions and Relationship Skills. This was unified in 1995 by introducing Common Neutral Ground as a practice. Creating equal, holistic partnerships is now possible and easier than ever. We are currently working on a CNG site to make this movement more available. It is time now to engage this program if you are interested in Conscious Relationships. We recognize that this program is not for everyone; it requires an investment o time and energy to learn the distinctions and understand how to operate with others more effectively. Results can be seen in as little as three to nine months. For others it is a longer process. We believe that given time we will be able to introduce many new programs to connect people up who share similar Compatibility Factors. Right now, everyone with a Mini-Creative Assessment is invited to join their respective creative groups. Our core aspiration is to nurture, inspire and educate our tribe in the enormous relationship opportunities offered in the Aquarian Age.

In terms of choosing better partners, we have three suggestions: 1) choosing partners with the same or better WorldView; 2) choosing partners with the same Defense Style or Pioneering in nature; and 3) choosing partners with the same Primary Creative Expression. While any Compatibility Factor similarities will increase our ability to appreciate each other, these three are the most critical in creating long term, successful partnerships. Having a similar WorldView will make it possible to have an equal relationship. Otherwise, the person with the higher WorldView will become more responsible and likely be frustrated with the progress of their partner. While they may have a sense of being in control, this is actually a remnant of the past where they were not able to fully trust their partner. When we have the same WorldView there is no ability to control or be controlled by your partner. Everything is a mutual learning process.

When we choose a partner with the same Defense, we again find ourselves in a situation where our partner can see through our defensive patterns, so we have to eventually tell our truth. When we are in a relationship with opposite Defense Style individuals we can hide as much as we wish. The common perspective is ‘what our partner doesn’t know won’t hurt us’. Therefore, we feel justified not communicating our fears because it will create more tension in the relationship. When we are with the same Defense Style, they know when and why we are holding back. They are not easily distracted, as individuals with opposite Defenses, by our misdirection. This means they can actually be supportive of us, particularly when they love themselves the way they are. This brings up the fact that relationships with opposite-defense individuals do not require self-affirmation or self-love because this would minimize the goal of protecting us in the Defense.

When we are able to love ourselves for being our Primary Creative Expression, we begin to attract others with the same Expression. As long as we are able to deny loving ourselves, we can continue to choose sub-optimal partners based upon either an Opposite-Attraction model or instinctively choosing partners who match aspects of our parents. The real value in choosing partners with the same Primary Creative Expression is that when we love ourselves, we, by default, are naturally loving them. It requires no translation or extra effort to be with them. It also greatly assists us in being supportive in making complementary contributions in our Authentic Life Expression. Finally, it amplifies expressing our Creative Power in the world, because we have someone who can easily re-create our experience and support us. This type of partnership expands the possibilities of Pleasure, Power and Passion.

Ultimately, conscious relationships deepen our internal capacities while expanding our opportunities to express ourselves in the world. This process is greatly facilitated through a Common Neutral Ground, which is the technology that integrates the Higher Alignment process. Common Neutral Ground supports the alignment of individuals so they can become better, mutual co-contributors. This permits us each to individually to know the truth of our Being by being in touch with our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts. By being clear about our own experience, we can differentiate and appreciate the experiences of partners so there is greater Creative Flow between us. We evolve in this Unity through Connection, Communication, Co-Measurement and Communion. In this way, having a partner who can operate with us in a CNG both stabilizes us and encourages us to engage larger possibilities in the world. This state of both Being and Becoming is our natural destiny and ultimate resource.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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