Safety Reactions

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Unconscious Entanglements

Unconscious Entanglements are relationships where we fall into role-based patterns. They are attempts to find safe, comfortable choices that will not unexpectedly rock the boat or challenge us. The more we have similar expectations, the more we believe we should be together. Having no personal boundaries, we fantasize about unconscious merging (falling in love). What we are ignoring is the duality in our body identity. While we believe that appearance is everything, we rarely pay attention to taking care of ourselves energetically. A lot of us fall into self-destructive patterns or addictions because we have not been able to unify our Sensations and Feelings. This makes us addicted to individuals who have our parental patterns. We seek the comfort of individuals who seem familiar, i.e. they have similar Compatibility Factors of our parents.

The more we follow our Instinctive patterns, the more they lead us to engaging only better versions of our parents. In this reality, the pain of our past is temporarily submerged in the hope that our partners will be better than our parents.

Unfortunately, this approach tends to re-establish and re-emphasize old denials and wounding patterns. It reinforces our need to compare and contrast our partner with our parents and inadvertently limits us to unconscious ways of operating. For example, we may have a certain picture in our minds of the type of person we believe we can introduce to our parents. The reality of this unconscious programming is our Objectification, which hides our judgment and the expectations we have about the potential partner; things do not work out as planned. Of course, we can outgrow this pattern by taking greater personal responsibility. By leaving Objectification behind we can learn how to bond with similar-quality partners.

What we are avoiding is making tough choices. We look for partners with whom we share instinctive chemistry, not realizing this is a form of biological programming to guarantee procreation. The more we fall into these automatic ‘falling-in-love’ experiences, the less choice we have about who would make a good partner. We keep seeking a modified, improved version of our parents hoping that they will heal and be with us in a way our parents could not. Since we are young, we stick to surface level perceptions because they seem to be the most reliable indicators of interest. This means Pretenses, BodyTypes, Mental Body Expression, Birth Order sequence, and Personality characteristics (Attitude, Goal, and Modes) become our main ways of differentiating ourselves from others. We do not realize that Excitement indicates that we are engaging our parental pattern. The more we deny the deeper indicators that all is not well, the more we end up Objectifying ourselves and our partner as a ‘hot couple,’ ignoring the deeper issues.

On a personal level, when I was a young child, I kept hearing the song, “The Girl From Ipanema” which was about infatuation with a girl who never saw the person singing the song. She would walk towards the bay, swaying in a Samba-like way, entrancing everyone who saw her. The message I received was to adore how a person looked and stay in the childlike fantasy that something magical would happen, believing they would fall in love with me. What I realized was that my longing was for a girl who used her feminine mystique, while making the assumption she could have anyone she wanted, but who would not really pay attention to me (or the options around her). This enchantment, combined with the conflicted excitement of the person singing the song, almost guaranteed that this connection would never happen. In my own life, I was infatuated with women I never pursued. This is the agony of infatuation, combined with Excitement, which paralyzes us. At the time, it appeared to me that Excitement was an impossible desire or longing that made Love both unavailable and hopelessly unattainable. One of the reasons for this is that when we are attracted to individuals with a different imprinted pattern or type they are looking for, they never do see us. It taught me to assume that Love did not require any form of intentional engagement. This is a common hook, which traps us in the search for right appearances at the cost of discovering (or not) the true Beauty within a person. Now, I realize this song taught me about getting lost in outer beauty and learning to choose instead, real engagement, to validate my experience.

Being able to get attention by looking good is the most important aspect of these unconscious relationships. This does not keep us from feeling jealous or envious when others get the attention they want more easily than we do. We fixate on copying or imitating the self-confidence of others (to create the appearance of Creative Flow) because inwardly we are concerned about our options and choices. What we want to avoid is being judged as not appropriate, not cool or boring. The fear of making a mistake is eventually overcome by the fear of missing out on opportunities. As we grow older, we start questioning whether we have to be so isolated and protective of our prerogatives. This seeming randomness creates stress, where we feel driven to act. This impulse is part of our unconscious conditioning.

Excitement indicates a denial of Life expression. The linked article suggests that Sigmund Freud believed all Excitement is sexual. Higher Alignment believes Excitement is a compromised experience where Fear is placed over Desire. Practically speaking, this means that every Excitement experience indicates a desire for Safety that is being compromised by a fear of making the wrong choice. The more we are fixated on the pursuit of Excitement, the more unbalanced we are, making us more accessible to being manipulated. Advertisers use excitement to sell products, knowing that it is a fault line within our personality. The paradox is that we always believe we will get what we want, when in fact we do not. This is why individuals caught up in Excitement seek instant gratification yet are willing to wait if it is in service of building anticipation. On a practical level, when we experience Excitement, it indicates someone who conforms to our ‘type’ or, as we will soon come to understand, our parental pattern.

When we are on the unconscious, solitary Excitement path, our perspective is limited to outer appearances. The beauty of role-based relationships is the simplicity of either meeting the expectations of others or not. Relationships are successful at this level when we meet other’s expectations, and they fail when we do not. Since relationships at this level are things to be managed, we naturally prioritize our connections based on where we get the most positive feedback. We automatically avoid, or at least temporarily minimize, those relationships in which expectations are not being met. Role-based relationships are fixed connections, such as friends, romantic partners, parent/child, boss/subordinate, sibling or family relationships. Our relationship networks are based on familiarity, common interests and the ability to predict how others will respond.

Wanting a connection that feels good is the primary driver of friendships and romantic relationships on Level 1. When we see a potential partner, particularly a romantic partner, it is easy to be infatuated if they meet the external standards we have established for beauty or handsomeness. Everything becomes about ‘making the right move’ and we become preoccupied by the possible judgments they might have about us. This increases our Excitement and builds a sense of anticipation so that we make greater efforts to win them over. Many of us learn to play games so that we are not perceived as easily available or easy to get. As long as we are clear about our intention and are willing to take some risks to get their attention, we tend to do well engaging them as potential partners who will respond to our efforts. One reason for this is that most individuals, at this level, have a difficulty saying no to any potential interest. The way that most of us fail is that we do not follow through with our intentions.

We initially try to adjust to our partner, allowing them flexibility because we want to be able to trust them. When they do not live up to our expectations, we attribute this to their not knowing what they want, or not wanting us. It could easily be that they do not have a lot of social interaction skills and have not developed a capacity to engage us in a balanced way. While it is likely that they may have difficulty with certain boundaries, we are looking for someone who will accept us as we are. When others do not calibrate well to us, we give them a break. We think that if they appreciate us, they will adapt to us, which will reduce our need to adapt to them.

On the Instinctive level we are chemically wired to deal with particular experiences in a particular manner. Building healthy, happy habits is important if we want to be in more conscious relationships. Otherwise, we become triggered and fearful and mostly avoid change and confrontation. Or, when we do engage confrontation, it is unproductive. Key chemicals and hormones are released in different types of situations. Understanding the impact of these is the first step in being able to use them in a positive way. Mike Bundrant of PsychCentral.com has written an article “Five Ways To Boost Your Natural Happy Chemicals”. This small article can help us  recognize when we are being impacted by certain events so we can maintain our inner balance. Unfortunately, these chemicals reinforce certain positive (e.g. serotonin) and negative (e.g. cortisol) associations we make about others, amplifying the false idea that others are making things better for us when they may not be doing anything at all. This is particularly inappropriate when we start believing that others are making us feel or behave in a certain way.

How Lower Level Motives Limit Us

As the Motives diagram illustrates, there are four levels of Motives. We develop from the bottom up, growing from the Instinctive level to the Intellectual level to the Idealized level and, finally, to the Intuitive level. Until we understand where we naturally operate and how the Motives of others impact us, we have little success in working with people. At the Intuitive level, the Motives of Universal Dominion, Mutual Accomplishment and Conscious Participation are optimum ways of interacting. Unfortunately, in real life, we cannot begin with these Motives because few people operate at this level and they are not commonly understood nor embraced. Instead, we need to learn to uplift the Motives of others step-by-step in order to improve our connections. We recommend building up and affirming individuals at one level to eventually take a step into the next highest Motive, in that sequence. What Motives most reveal is how open people are to exploring mutual self-interests. At the bottom of the chart, individuals hide their own needs and try to maximize benefits to themselves at the cost of others. Moving up the chart, people are able to reveal more about their Desires and work with others to manifest them together. Knowing where we are in terms of Motives, and recognizing what is going on with our partners in terms of Motives, is critical in being able to predict the likely outcomes for any actions we take.

Developing an understanding and appreciation of Motives encourages us to grow and take full advantage of our opportunities. When we grow up with parents who operate in lower motives and do not trust higher ways of interacting with others, we naturally start at a lower level of Motive development. This means we do not believe that we can create better relationships. On the other hand, if we have conscious parents, we become exposed to higher Motives, which offers greater confidence to create what we want. We seek out partners who reflect similar or complementary factors (usually at the same level, but one person’s Motive will be feminine and the other will be masculine). This promotes greater role-playing about what we can do in the relationship without having to confront it on a conscious level. While we are attracted to those with similar Motives, we are not always congruent with how their Motives are expressed and where they go with them. This is particularly obvious when one partner wants to grow, but the other partner cannot. Many times, this lack of interest in Growth is the result of not wanting to fail trying to meet someone else’s expectations. Therefore, they end up isolating themselves from their partner’s initiative and then distance themselves from their partner eventually leading to the relationship failure they were trying to avoid.

Motives are about Intent and how we can pursue activities with different levels of consciousness and commitment. They show up as pleasurable experiences when others connect to us in the way we want and intend. Lower level Motives are always less effective than their higher counterparts. This means people who operate in higher motives get things done, whereas people with lower motives rarely do. At each increasing level of Motives, greater consciousness and complexity is required to meet others in a way that facilitates mutual outcomes. When someone cannot act, they talk about it. This is why, at Level 1, people always talk about their own motives or the motives of others without agreeing about what needs to be done. They can also get into arguments over who is in control, what is their real motivation, or assign perceived agendas to others that may not be true. Mostly, this is because they are projecting their own issues onto others and cannot see the irony in this.

We grow in our Motives by systematically choosing a Holon Arthur Koestler’s word used in his book The Ghost in the Machine) that indicates something that is simultaneously a whole and a part. Each element of a Holon is another step to greater embodiment of a particular skill. This word was further defined by Ken Wilber to suggest a set of skills that need to be built sequentially on each other to maximize their full embodiment. Motives are defined as a growing sequence that is either feminine, masculine or a combination of both. Higher Alignment Attractions and Skill are also Holon structures. Each has an Instinctive, Intellectual, Idealized and Intuitive component that facilitates growth and greater capacity. The complete ability is only manifest at the Intuitive Level, which combines all of the previous steps to create a larger whole.

Starting from the bottom, we need to manifest the dilemma and limitations of each lower Motive to begin to embody the next higher one. This process helps us develop our Intent so if something manifests it is actually the result of our Intention. The opposite of this is also true: if something does not manifest, we did not have a complete Intention. Most of the lower level Motives are colored by selfishness, which blinds us to how other things in the world could interact with our new manifestation. For example, Arrogance, on the masculine Holon, is an attempt to look smart without understanding the underlying structure of our claimed expertise. When we engage Personal Achievement (on the Intellectual Level) we naturally need to structure ourselves to deliver on our promises. This Motive of Personal Achievement is automatically limited if we do not understand how everything is constructed. Idealized Unity brings together our body and mind frameworks so we can passionately respond and organize ourselves in terms of a larger ideal. We will continue to operate on this Idealized Level until everything is interrelated and brought into alignment with what exists. Until this happens and we take ownership of this knowing, Mutual Accomplishment, which is the highest intuitive masculine expression, is not possible.

Most of the confusion in our relationships comes from trying to understand the Motives of others and figuring out if those ways of operating jive with us. Since we are usually upset when others do not take us into consideration and do something inappropriate, we naturally suspect their motives. Ironically, everything that they are doing could be, and probably is, considered normal behavior in their family of origin. Therefore, they may have either good motives or some variation of mixed motives that seem appropriate to them. One of the main reasons that Level 1 relationships break up is a misunderstanding around Motives. It is easy to believe that an individual is trying to set things up for their own benefit and is not honoring the relationship between the partners. This encourages us to become good at preemptively identifying the Motives of others.

Some indications that we are caught up in Unconscious Entanglements are the Motives we primarily use to connect to others. The Motives of Arrogance, Greed and Lust are ways we entrance others to play along with our games. With Arrogance, we entice others to believe our truth over their own. With Greed, we attempt to get what we want without alerting our partners that there may not be anything left for them. With Lust, we lose ourselves in sexual activity to the point of not having any connection with our partner. In each one of these Motives, we present the possibility that our Motive is good, leading them to think they will gain something from it, only to snatch that possibility away before they get anything. These Instinctive Motives are all selfish, but no one wants to call them that. We are even afraid to suggest that their Fears and Desires will not be met if a partner holds out on us, or discounts us. As a result, no one calls each other on why these Motives are good or bad for the relationship. Most of all, we have little or no trust in our partners, other than whatever momentary pleasure we can derive from them.

What is actually going on is that we think we have to acquire what we want from the relationship and treat the partner merely as a possession. It is an initial way to determine what we want and assert that we need it to get to where we want to go. At the Instinctive level of Relationship, we typically feel victimized by the people around us. This means just asserting the terms of engagement and establishing that we have an interest in how it turns out can be a major growth process. Of course, what we are ultimately learning not to do is to not be caught up in selfish frameworks, which limit our ability to contribute to others and to see the big picture. This level of Relationship also contains a tremendous amount of material selfishness. Everything becomes about what we are doing to care for our partner, which assumes that they cannot take care of themselves. This is selfish. It is about looking good, not being good. What we are ultimately learning to do is be free of our Fears and Desires so that we can start to show up with a partner and intellectually engage them for what they know and who they are.

We begin to move into the next stage as we move into Personal Dominion, Personal Achievement, or Self-Serving Activity. The big shift here is that we are investing in our capacity to engage others in a much more stable way. This encourages us to make investments in our partners, rather than hold ourselves back. It also allows us to talk about our needs and to entertain the possibility that our partner has needs that we may want to support. These Intellectual Motives are about taking charge of our life so that we can begin to establish a course of action that others can trust. Without this self-affirmed sense of direction, many partners will ultimately not trust us. The problem will still arise; does our partner want the same things we want?

Fear Limits Action

Taking action produces a sense that we are part of the world around us. Our actions affirm that we matter. By being caught up in activity, we feel that everything is running well when we can fulfill the roles and expectations of those around us. Even if others provide negative feedback, we are okay if we know what to do. The problem with our conditioning is that if doing more does not change anything, we become sleepwalkers. Repetitive action lulls us into passivity. When we are unconscious, conditioning is necessary to keep us responding to our environment, creating catch-22 situations. We are programmed to maintain safety and familiarity by repeating what was done in the past. When we become more conscious, these action-mandates (programming) distract us and cover up our Fears, thus helping us avoid them. In this way, our protection systems invalidate certain self-conscious perspectives that otherwise could help us grow. This keeps us from examining the appropriateness of our programming or changing the programming to reflect new circumstances.

When we are operating from conditioning, we take actions to avoid our Fears. As we evolve, we become more aware of our Fears and more sensitive to how others view or interpret our choices. We are particularly challenged when others assume that we have motives or an agenda that prevent them from getting what they want. What they do not understand is that we are in the process of recognizing our own, internal Fears and are unconsciously driven to prevent these Fears from occurring. The list of Fears below demonstrates that there is a hierarchy of Fears around our relationships. It begins with Not Being Wanted and culminates with Not Choosing Appropriate Sacrifice and Service. At any particular time we are focusing on two or three Fears that reflect the types of interactions we are having with others.

The seven Relationship Fears are:

  1. 1.   Not Being Wanted
  2. 2.   Not Being Understood
  3. 3.   Not Being Accepted
  4. 4.   Not Being Needed More Than We Need Others
  5. 5.   Not Being Valued For Our Contribution
  6. 6.   Not Knowing How to Include Others Without Compromise
  7. 7.   Not Choosing Appropriate Sacrifice and Service

These Fears reflect interpersonal issues where we get stuck and cannot move forward. When we do not confront these Fears, they dominate our unconscious behaviors. On the Instinctive Level, others have little impact on our perceived issues. Our priorities are simply what we believe we need to do. Everything is based on trying to live up to our expectations and others’ expectations of us. When we operate from fear we also automatically attract others with the same level of fear. This is the function of pheromones. On an Instinctive Level, relationships stimulate us to confront our Fears. This is why, when relationships get too tedious or demanding, we leave them. As soon as we are out of the relationship and feel free, we no longer have to confront our Fears in the same way. The effect of this is that we cannot talk about our Fears when we are in the relationship.

Fears are often associated with weakness, which is why we are afraid to discuss them. Some individuals use Fears to increase their awareness that there are different options. They often do this by separating their Fears from their nature. In this way they can experience a Fear, and yet play with positive ways to neutralize it. They emphasize that who they are (either the personality or the Creative Nature) is bigger than the Fear. This places the Fear at a disadvantage because our perceived safety is not necessarily at risk if we can quantify the Fear. By not empowering the Fear, even if there is a risk, we create a way to respond that does not compromise who we are. More than just being our selves, we learn to become more in each moment. Operating in this way, we can easily be identified by our degree of comfort in talking about and questioning our fears. Our point of view has changed when the examination of risk leads to Fear nullification.

When caught in our Fears, we frequently believe that it is the other person’s fault. We imagine that if they engaged us differently, we would not be reactive. This is projection. The problem is that some Fears are not easily avoided. The best way to handle this is to be thankful that people are creating reactions in us so we can learn to handle them. Since a reaction is an indication that we are not in balance, we need to learn how to maintain balance under all circumstances. Just because we do not like a particular thing, it should not provoke a reaction. It does so when we are imbalanced, thus opening ourselves to the attack. When we are inclusive of differences, we start to see the value of engaging them, therefore reducing reactions. The purpose of fears is to regain communication with our Physical Body and its perceptive framework (usually our five senses). Life experience is commonly discussed in terms of engaging and overcoming Fears. Any success we have in doing this becomes a badge of honor making us more confident in our current relationships.

Desires Reflect Our Fears

On the Instinctive Level, our unconscious Desires are often left unsaid, or unclaimed. It makes us uncomfortable to acknowledge desires if we accept that little or nothing can be done. For each Fear there is a corresponding but unacknowledged Desire. For example, the Desire of Attention fulfills the Fears of Not Being Wanted. When we are more conscious about our Fears, the Desires they represent become more apparent.

The seven Relationship Desires are:

  1. 1.   Attention
  2. 2.   Approval
  3. 3.   Acceptance
  4. 4.   Adoration
  5. 5.   Admiration
  6. 6.   Availability
  7. 7.   Appreciation

For each Desire, we go through a process of seeking others to validate us so we can validate ourselves. Many of us feel selfish if we Desire something without the permission of others. This is because the Personality (our survival and success conditioning) operates in a scarcity mode that guarantees our well-being in times of stress and adversity. The more we develop confidence that we can get the things we desire independently of any one person, the more we escape the programming of how our personality conditioning becomes dependent on parental roles. Usually, this development occurs in conjunction with the family’s acceptance that we will make good use of the resources we seek. Otherwise, people object to, and attempt to control, our access to what we want as a way of controlling or moderating our activities. Parents often manipulate us by modifying our Desires (by making the fulfillment of desires conditional on pleasing them). Others react to our Desires in a way that inhibits our actions, minimizing our ability to get what we want. This installs Upper Boundary limits about what and how much we can accept.

Imbalances between our Fears and Desires maximize greater scarcity in our lives and create more opportunities to be victimized. Fears and Desires impact our choice of relationships in a profound way. The more we identify with our Gender Identity, the more likely these imbalances will prevail. Gender Identity is thinking about our selves as only a man or woman based on our sexual organs. While there is much more complexity in our masculinity or femininity than is commonly understood, when we reduce ourselves to black and white descriptions, it diminishes us to objects or things. Gender Identity submerges Fears in men and promotes their Desires, while in women Gender Identity submerges Desires and raises Fears. These gender differences minimize the similarities and maximize the differences between men and women. Instead of a continuum of choice, there is just one choice.  We can see this reduction in clarity by stating that men seek to be independent in relationships while women seek greater connection. So, on an unconscious level, men engage relationships based on their Desires and women engage relationships based on their Fears. It is important to realize gender identification increases our needs by activating our Fears and Desires to prove that we need — and are important to — each other. We end up attempting to prove that we need each other to be successful.

This is the first of many dualities that make us more likely to be co-dependent rather than interdependent. For example, males feel they need to confront their Fears in order to make something of themselves or, at least, prove they are not at the effect of their Fears. When females are attached to their Desires, they believe that biological differences—such as childbearing—reflect different priorities, which drives them to speak up about their Fears. In this way, they see a relationship as a way to confront their Fears so that they can resolve them. They are able to blend in because they want someone to work with them to confront Fears and resolve issues. Men, on the other hand, are more externalized, viewing Fears as threats and women’s demands on them as ultimatums. This is the source of the gender identity wars. One major example of this is how women ultimately have the power to say “yes” or “no” to sexual advances, which reflects the main desire of the male to connect. Ultimately, we are not just our Gender Identity role frameworks because we all have masculine and feminine sides and we can integrate our Fears and Desires.

The more we integrate our Fears and Desires, the easier it is to determine the best course of action. We need to embrace both our Fears and Desires so we can minimize conditioning and reduce our tendency to seek extreme answers. We need to remember that our gender identity is a set of roles we made up in response to our need to adapt to our environment. Instead of pre-programmed answers, we need to come up with more finely tuned responses that allow us to express who we are as a Creative Being. While these fixed roles reduce confusion, they do so at the cost of our own unique experience. When we do not ask the questions that allow us to maximize the understanding of our choices (so that we can see the effects of our choices) how can we be responsible for our destiny? Initially, the non-conditioned response will always be more difficult. The benefit of doing this is that we will have a wider, more enriched set of experiences and choices with others.

One of the main indicators that we are integrating these experiences is how flexible and open we are to engaging our Desires. In order to accept our Desires, we have to first acknowledge our Fears and clear them. Desires allow us to expand our sense of self, while Fears contract us. If we are moving out of scarcity contractions, it indicates we are being more present with ourselves. It also indicates we are more trusting of our body experience. This means we have dealt with some of the fundamental fears that condition us. One of the main reasons to engage our Fears and Desires is the ability to define how we wish to exist. What degree of contraction or expansion will we use in showing up with others? Will we be withheld and tentative or become a wallflower? Or, are we prepared to take risks in pursuit of our Desires? It starts by being able to speak about our Desires and make space for those desires to show up. Otherwise our experiences become more about avoiding our Desires.

The seven relationship Desires not only work in primary relationships, but also in how we want others to view us. When we are embodying Desires, we possess more Passion and Enthusiasm. We demonstrate more abundance and gratitude. This is definitely more attractive than being lethargic, unresponsive or sour. Most of all, denying our Desires encourages us to develop layers of what we show to others and what we hide. This gives birth to the falseness of Pretenses. We evolve through each stage but can be primarily established in two or three stages at a time. Our expansion into Desires is primarily the result of giving ourselves what we need to move forward. This means if we want Attention, we need to give ourselves attention first. Each time we take charge of providing what we need to ourselves, it opens the door for others to supplement our experience with their own. We must not get trapped in waiting for others to acknowledge something within us before giving it to ourselves!

Unconscious conditioning and Fears prevent us from being in the present moment. The more we are caught up in assumptions and Beliefs about what is happening, the less present we are in the moment and less able to take in new experiences. This is because we are fearful that change will limit us from getting what we Desire. We also operate from the Fear that anything we have can be taken away from us, so much so that we keep ourselves from getting it to begin with. This fixation on survival creates Attachments to getting what we believe we need. Conditioning overrides our current experience by limiting new sensory input, ensuring that we do not set ourselves up to lose what we have. This Upper Boundary limit, where we sabotage possibilities to keep us from experiencing further loss, is the result of unconscious conditioning.

In the first level of CNG, embodiment occurs when we realize that our habitual, instinctive patterns do not work. These patterns are based on assumptions that are no longer relevant. Many individuals find safety and comfort in the assumptions because they have learned how to ignore their internal pain and the pain of those around them. There is a degree of dissociative behavior, where we are not connected to ourselves or to those around us. This creates delays in our processing where we are not present in the moment. Instead, we become overly obsessed with Beliefs about what is right and wrong. We attempt to minimize ambiguity as much as possible. Our need for certainty is actually an overreaction to the fact that we do not experience ourselves as affecting our lives. Instead, we get caught up in fantasies or hopeful stereotypes about how everything will work out. The more we were traumatized in our early childhood development, the more likely we are unable to confront the unknowns that show up in our lives.

When we grow up not being seen and understood, we carry a burden (in the form of not believing in others), and we make an assumption that most individuals are out to get us. We do not distinguish between judgment and acceptance and operate only in terms of limiting the attacks of others. This makes it disconcerting when someone operating in CNG engages us. The first difference is how the CNG person accepts who we are and what we are saying without argument. We are taken aback because we are accustomed to judgments that try to define and fix us in preset Motives and Expectations. When this does not happen, we doubt the person doing CNG is real. As long as we do not believe that they are as open as they are, it creates fear and dissonance.

The second difference is that the CNG person does not cloak him or herself in a predefined authority or legitimacy. Instead, they assume, like every other human being, that we have the right to speak our truth. They are comfortable not being fixed in a structure or role (which makes it more difficult for us to know what to do). Third, when CNG individuals do not react when we react, it makes us question our reaction. Not wanting to be reactive, it appears to us that we must be less than them if the CNG person is not reactive. We discover that reactions are a part of our lower Personality Identity. This does not promote a feeling of mutual safety.

We do not take the initiative to change things because parental and cultural Imprinting has taught us that our survival depends on conforming to the expectations of others. Our patterns of looking good are built on trying to serve other people at the cost of ourselves. This creates resentment as well as the need to have others conform to our expectations in order to regain a sense of self. We learn how to take advantage of each other, which creates a deeply wounded society and reflects (and codifies) the exploitive ways we treat others. This is why it becomes so important for us to be with the few people who we perceive we can trust and who accept us as we are. As a result, we adopt one of three reactions when attacked: freeze, fight or flight. Our reality becomes terrifying because we do not know how to confront, accept and release our fears.

On the positive side, we build ways to get seen and be appreciated. This drives us to find roles where we can be seen as important. We call individuals at this stage ‘Actors’ because they like to adopt scripts provided by others as guides for their own development. A person at this level is more of a follower, despite what they may think. They seek to fit in. They derive a sense of their authority from the expectations of those around them. One of the real challenges for Actors is that everything in the ‘scripts’ needs to be logical and clearly articulated so it can become an operational possibility. The more reasonable the ‘script’ is, no matter the circumstances, the easier it is for these individuals to push forward and do something. It is mainly unexpected issues or increased complexity in decision-making that causes Actors to react in unpredictable ways. This is due to the stress they feel in their attempt to meet others’ needs and expectations.

Instinctive Attractions can mislead us. The more we accept superficial perceptions, the less informed we are about our actual needs. If we grow in our Attractions, our Life energy increases. This also indicates that Aliveness and adventure motivate us to explore new issues and lessons. The more we become complacent and rely on Excitement to guide us, the more we will create Inertia, unexpected outcomes, and false hopes that our partners will somehow save us. Objectification uses Excitement to distract us from asking deeper questions. The more we feel agitated, the more our conditioning is in control. Stillness creates time for tuning in to the existing circumstances in order to determine what is appropriate and what needs to happen.

Objectification patterns reduce the ability to grow. Since we focus on an external framework, we make assumptions about the status of events around us that do not reflect the inner qualities of connection that we want. This reinforces associative thinking over deductive reasoning. We end up operating with less variability by attempting to keep everything the same as it has been in the past. These contrary impulses distract us from accepting our physical reality (and greatness). We become addicted to using the perspectives of others to explain our circumstances rather than trusting our inner experiences.

Embracing growth means accepting Sensations and Feelings so that what we experience becomes central to our Being. We learn how to respond appropriately so that the consequences of our actions do not provoke us into hiding out. When we can trust that what we are doing is right for us, we become more expressive about what works. Since speaking our Feelings is the best way to integrate Sensations, we learn to do it more often. We start to see how we can deal with different kinds of environments allowing us to maximize our ability to act in alignment with our Intent. In a directive environment, we learn to be more open to input. In a fluid environment, we learn to be more directive. The key is to be balanced and whole in our ability to take action or to recognize that no action is required. When we develop our Body Wisdom, Growth becomes simple and we flow more effectively with others.

What Motivates Us

Fears and Desires motivate us to try to keep everything in its place. Without realizing it, people become things to be managed. With associative thinking, our capacity to take in new information is limited, as we become pre-occupied with the past and our place in it, as well as its meaning to us. This emphasizes a scarcity mentality where we view ourselves as victims overcoming adversity. Many of us become a hero in our own mind for overcoming past adversity (sometimes merely by surviving) and are not anchored in our current experience. We use objects (like houses and cars) to mark progress in overcoming adversity. The more we see ourselves in terms of the things we own, and build our identity around items of perceived safety, the more we are shocked when our good, instinctive intentions in relationships are thwarted. We may see ourselves as a great catch, only to be astounded when others do not see things our way. Most of the time, this reflects differences in values where our evolution from scarcity to abundance creates a different reality and time orientation.

We tend to feel safe with individuals who are idealizing, adoring or admiring us in the ways we wish our  parents would have. We seek reassurance from others because we have denied the powerful creative connection within ourselves. We value those individuals who are willing to ignore our weaknesses because we do not wish to confront our inner Truth. The more we educate ourselves about both our differences and similarities, the more we discover the freedom that comes with not judging them or ourselves. Instead of reacting, which commonly means something is wrong, we need to learn to embrace our differences and uncomfortable similarities and learn more about our Self and others. Every reaction indicates that we are not yet complete or balanced in our own understanding. Ultimately, we will recognize that reactions are the unconscious internal triggers that indicate a difference or similarity with another. Since it is unlikely that anyone else will change to accommodate us, it makes sense to work on these issues internally so that we are comfortable with how others perceive us.  At a deeper level, we discover that when we can express ourselves freely, we can be indifferent to others’ perceptions. Instead of envy (where we compare ourselves to others), we manifest graciousness. Understanding differences and uncomfortable similarities are greatly facilitated in Higher Alignment’s Creative Uniqueness class.

On the first level, Pleasure is the only goal that matters. Objectifiers count on their appearance to provide the power and attention they seek. The more we Objectify ourselves, the more we ignore our aging, pretending that Pleasure will not be denied to us. When this no longer works, everything becomes about being younger. We use Pretenses (Expectations, Romantic Mythology, Control, and Seduction) to keep others interested in us. Some of us can use our looks for years without having to grow up. As an Actor, we keep looking for fun scenes to play out our fantasies. What we do not realize is that our Attachments to Pleasure and Comfort slow us down and drain our energy and growth. Since we are not growing, we seek others like us who are Objectifying themselves. This safety zone becomes more constricted as our increasing fears permeate our lives. We become more rigid and frozen in the past, no longer able to keep up with the changes happening around us.  

This leads to our Pretenses becoming crystallized, where we try to take certain qualities and make them important for others so we can provide something to them. Pretenses are the result of learning what others would appreciate about us, so we can project the appearance that we can deliver these qualities. While we are never as good as we think we are in delivering these qualities, over time we get better, but at a huge cost. It takes a lot of effort to do Pretenses, and it naturally limits our authentic development. When we do Pretenses we are searching for ways to make up for perceived deficiencies in our relationships. In each Pretense there is a belief that we can contribute to others by doing certain activities when in actuality, we are attempting to build a stronger connection wanting to believe that they need us. These patterns become fixed when we get caught in and remain at this level.

There are four Pretenses we can use to superficially connect with others

  1. Expectations individuals use assumptions to determine if others are like us. When others respond to our expectations it increases the familiarity we experience and can indicate that we have a similarity with them in the way their families treated them. We interact, believing that our partners would do the same things we would do in a given situation. We seek agreement and attention and are not happy unless our partners affirm our contributions. When we operate from Expectations, we tend to see options in a simple manner, as either choices we made before (which is easier), or new choices (which can be difficult). The innocence of this Pretense tends to make us targets for Seducers. We may not realize it but our isolated or reserved qualities are like catnip to Seducers. Seducers seek challenges, and the more seemingly unavailable a person is, the more they want them. Seducers also develop their mastery by telling others what they need to hear, indicating that nothing will cause them to second guess their own desires.

  2. Romantic Mythology individuals see the potential of another as a way to build their self-respect by acknowledging others. We seek to add value by encouraging others to be all they can be. We need others to see their positive possibilities and to acknowledge our insight into what is needed. Sometimes this gets out of hand and we attempt to push others to do things we consider to be right. We call this process Romantic Mythology because it comes from an archetypal framework where we see ourselves as a hero or heroine who can make things better. This can devolve into a rescue program. However, we often find it difficult to take consistent action. We are optimistic and playful, with the intent of bringing out passion in others. We seek acceptance and adoration and want our partners (usually individuals with a Control Pretense) to lighten-up.

  3. Control individuals often conclude that the capability of others is limited by a lack of self-discipline and therefore endeavor to bring order and structure to add value to others. Our goal is to increase others’ self esteem so they will be better partners. The key issue, from our perspective, is that we need to provide information and expertise that we see is required for our partners to be effective. We tend to view others as lacking time orientation and focused too much on relationship connections rather than the task at hand. We expect them to listen to us and take action without argument. We are also known for our timeframes and decision dates. Sometimes this feels like overkill to Romantic Mythology individuals who want greater flow. We tend not to trust Emotions or Feelings, usually because they were used to manipulate us as children. Controllers want to make sure that our partners know that without us, they would be in different circumstances.

  4. Seduction individuals are composed of two different levels: Playful Seducers and Serious Seducers. Playful Seducers want to build the self-respect and self-esteem of partners so they do not in any way undermine them. Playful Seducers employ flirting behavior and attempt to build anticipation for their conquest. We seek others to be foils, so that we are seen and appreciated by them. Serious Seducers seek to sow doubt, confusion and self-hatred by breaking the spirit and personalities of our partners. Behind this is a self-generated sense of competition where power struggles are the norm. We use flattery, mixed messages and Excitement to initiate the seduction process. This is how we encourage others to rely on us, so we become the person that indirectly guides them. We do this to get others to acknowledge how good we are. We milk the process until the challenge our conquest represents diminishes, at which time we move on, leaving the now insecure partner in the dust. We do this for the anticipation of crushing those who initially seem arrogant or unavailable to us. Serious Seduction indicates that we have a terrible lack of connection to ourselves, generating a large amount of self-hatred toward others. We want others to share our pain by experiencing it themselves. Serious Seducers use others’ weaknesses and fears to make themselves feel stronger and more together.

Many of us grow up learning about Pretenses in terms of Expectations. In some families, there is a greater diversity of Pretenses being used by our parents, which allows us to practice various Pretenses. This enables us to quickly determine which Pretense will work with different individuals. As we become more fixed in our Pretense identities, we tend to assume that these are elements of our own personal development. Actually, they are coping mechanisms we have learned to deal with partners who are insecure. Since the purpose of Pretenses is to be able to affirm our value in some way to our partner, the first three Pretenses (Expectations, Romantic Mythology and Control) are usually seen as positive. Seduction is the ‘hard sell’ Pretense where we believe we know better than others about what they need. From HA’s perspective, if we have to seduce someone to convince them to be with us, we are not with the right person to begin with. Seducers do not believe in free choice.

Pretenses work due to associative thinking. We try to build (within others) strong memories by offering something they do not tend to provide for themselves. We view these common behaviors as gifts that support our partners. Pretenses are, in fact, performed to protect the image of our Personality self. We use Pretenses not only to buffer us from our own fears, but also to use our friends to protect us from a chaotic world. Pretense roles allow each individual to believe we are contributing to our partner when, in fact, it is mostly for show. This relationship paradigm involves doing things for others to demonstrate our value so they will like and need us. The value of a friend becomes not only to agree with our notions of support, but also to provide reassurance that we are okay. We do this for our friends in return. We try to rescue or bring structure and follow-through with people we like, ignoring and discounting those we do not. To our dismay, this superficial way of connecting does not guarantee a return of our interest and attention.

As years pass, we see that our possibilities have greatly diminished. We become distracted by our Separative Desires. These Desires are what build up our Personality's sense of power. Since we do not know who we are, we seek to be better or different than others. Separative Desires are imposed perceptions about who we are that differentiate us from others in a way that builds us up and actively diminishes the importance of others to us. To the degree we succeed at this, we become more isolated. This is why we become addicted to possessions as substitutes for knowing who we are. This reassures us, particularly when we cannot trust people. What this reveals is that we use Separative Desires to create a false sense of self, creating an unconscious belief that we are our possessions. This is why we think we need the latest cars, a great house and to be engaged in impressive work. The problem is that we get caught up in this false Personality-building process that never ends unless we break this instinctive cycle.

When we are caught in these addictions, we revert to role-playing, hoping that no one will notice that we are not being present with them. We also become hypersensitive when others drag us down, as we do not possess easy ways to regenerate ourselves. This lack of regeneration is due to our focus on outer behavior at the cost of the expression of our inner Passion. Some people do not even realize how small they are playing in their lives. This makes it clear that without taking risks there is no Aliveness. So we seek artificial stimulation with others to make things appear great. We hope others will provide the safety we need that we were not able to provide to ourselves. Unless we wake up to the possibility that our destiny (including our Safety and Security) is the result of affirming our Creative Nature, we will continue to sleepwalk through life.

We fall in love with their expectations of us, since we are looking for the best-looking partner we can stand to be with. Excitement indicates the degree of compromise we experience between our Fear and Desire for our partner. The more Fear and Desire we experience with our partner, the less we are able to consciously connect through Aliveness. Aliveness is the Attention, Acceptance, and Approval that arises when we energetically align with a partner. This is about congruence. With Aliveness, we become bonded. We do not need to prove our value to our partner. Otherwise, we get caught up in Pretenses, which prevent bonding. Pretenses further distract us from the actual state of our relationships. They provide false assurances that our partner needs us, when actually they do not. Eliminating Pretenses not only frees up energy to be more creative, but it effectively prevents us from getting attached to the role and appearance of our partner, allowing us to experience creative bonding.

Another indication we are at the Body Image or Instinctive Development level is jealousy. When what we want from someone does not match what we are getting, it creates a disconnect between our Sensations and Feelings. Sensations are the various stimuli we take in physically through our Senses. Feelings reflect an acknowledgment of our Sensations as an integrated whole. Jealousy scares us into hiding our Feelings or denying our Sensations. It is about someone else, to whom we have an attachment (for instance, a partner), paying attention to another individual (over us). Since what we want on the Instinctive level is Safety, we attempt to reconnect in a complimentary manner by mirroring our partner’s strengths and weaknesses. This means that when we are unconscious, we create a merged reality of being strong in either our Sensations or Feelings and weak in the opposite in order to provide to our partner what is missing. On the Instinctive level, we feel threatened when our partner’s interests are directed to someone else and we doubt that our connection will survive. Due to these threats, we end up attacking our partner, further compromising the relationship.

Jealousy is often interpreted as a positive development because we think it means someone actually wants or needs us. What it really means is that someone is attached to and counts on our Sensations or Feelings to complete them. Confusing the issue is when a partner plays either hard to get or keep when they actually need us the most. Common in a fear-based response is to pretend to be indifferent when you have the most to lose. Most unconscious people do this. We eliminate Jealousy by mirroring both Sensations and Feelings simultaneously, recognizing that we do not have a true choice unless we create our own internal Safety. For some, it requires recognizing we have both masculine and feminine sides that, when they come together, allow us to operate in a more independent manner. We eliminate Jealousy by acknowledging our in-the-moment Sensations and declaring them as Feelings to ourselves. We want to bridge the gap of denying Sensations and Feelings so our body awareness becomes available to us. 

The main problem on the Instinctive level is that we have an Attachment to appearances, which keep us stuck in old representations of ourselves. This particular distortion is called Objectification, where we are addicted to our mother or father patterns of relationship. The more we externalize Beauty, and make appearances more important than the quality of connection with someone, the greater distortion we experience in our choice of partners. We can validate this by how much we use Excitement as a guide to our relationship choices. Feeling Excitement when meeting a potential partner, we are in fact experiencing Attraction based on our opposite gender parent (or same gender parent if we are gay or lesbian). Here we are seeking to improve the relationship we had with that parent.

If Excitement is what we seek, then our Instinctive Attractions are guiding us to relationships where distortions cover up the pain and disconnection of not being seen and fully appreciated by our parents. In other words, we choose a person similar to our parents because they are familiar to us, and we are Excited that this relationship will be better because this new person will love us better and more completely. The familiarity of these choices stems from a false belief that our partners can heal us (and our relationships with our parents) with their love and appreciation. The problem is that love is difficult to accept from others if we deny it in our Self. We choose Excitement to experience how responsive others are to our Fears and Desires and how that compares to what we know from relationships with our parents. We use Excitement to gain their attention and see if we can get them to respond to us. Otherwise, we have no knowing of how we relate to them. (It is all about Safety). We can recognize this pattern by how much we want and need others to keep us safe (because we inherently do not believe we can keep ourselves safe). We transcend this limitation by letting go of our Safety Attachments and, instead, seeking Aliveness.

Our Attachments are preprogrammed associations to previous body experiences, which in the past have made us feel safe. For example, perhaps we have an Attachment to people wearing glasses because we believe they must be smart. This keeps us from noticing when these individuals do stupid things. We are more preoccupied with our association of how something looks than the actual experience of what is happening in the moment. Attachments come in many forms and sizes; physical characteristics, environmental sensory experiences (like being in a hot tub) or associations about physical objects that anchor our past experience (like cars, Rolex watches, certain perfumes, particular songs). The problem with these distortions is that they keep us from processing our full experience and ultimately limit our growth.

Attachments can also be based on Sensations and Feelings. We come to crave certain physical experiences, particularly when they soothe us or increase our sense of Safety. This can be easily seen in our choices of food, where we seek certain textures, flavors and sensory experiences, even if they are not good for us. We also are repulsed by certain smells, which affect us on both Sensation and Feeling levels. It is easy to fall into the trap of using sensory distractions to keep our selves from acknowledging and dealing with our Fears. Desires reinforce addictions to certain Feelings at certain times. Many of us have experiences of feeling comforted by being touched or hugged. When we seek comfort only by being touched or hugged by someone, it highlights how a Desire for connection can become an Attachment to others. In this circumstance, we can see how both Sensations and Feelings can amplify the experience in our body.

A boundary is a line we draw where our choices hold sway. Most individuals become overly identified with either their Sensations or Feelings. When we perceive ourselves as being one or the other, it means that we are at the effect of the world around us. For a boundary to hold and be effective, it needs to unify two different perspectives and provide the flexibility to declare a complete response. A response is complete when it addresses all the issues and works with what is true in the moment. At the first (Instinctive) level, the first boundary we develop requires unifying our Sensations and Feelings so we can take appropriate action. It requires honoring our Aliveness and Life energy by responding to the whole situation versus a superficial idea of what would protect us.

Every boundary has a masculine and feminine expression. Without both being affirmed simultaneously, we possess no mastery over our responses. On Level 1 (Instinctive level), our domain is our body experience. Unless we can tune into what our body is telling us, we cannot effectively make a choice, because we are always reacting to others (without the benefit of our body awareness). On Level 2 (Intellectual level) our domain is about who we are in our personal identity. The challenge is to not get attached and comfortable in our self perception sacrificing our creative growth and expansion. In Level 3 (Idealized level), the domain is about how we passionately contribute (to ourselves and others). Until we reconcile our personal Desires with our Transpersonal Desires, we do not know how to smoothly move forward. Each of the three boundaries helps us manage Energy, Time and Space. They are the key developmental processes that empower us to be our Authentic Self.

Some people can believe they are operating on Level 3 when in fact they are operating on Level 1. This is because Level 3 does have a lot of vulnerability and receptivity that can provoke Anxiety, similar to the fears of the unknown we had on Level 1. We also get caught up in the possibility that our partners can, and do, see us for our creativity. Actually they are seeing our Imprinting. One difference is that the infatuation of Level 1, where we fall in love, almost always blindsides us. While on Level 3, we knew that there was a possibility the relationship would not work out. This is because there is acceptance that things may not work out on Level 3, as a result of many previous experiences. This leads us to throw ourselves into relationships in Level 3, even if we do not anticipate that they will work.

All appropriate action arises from balancing our masculine (Sensations and Thoughts) with our feminine (Feelings and Emotions). The main problem is that we tend to define masculinity or femininity on the basis of gender identity. This narrow framework creates multiple internal polarities because we have both masculine and feminine aspects unrelated to our gender identity, and these internal polarities create unexpected consequences. Every human being has many different levels of expression; we each have different percentages of masculine and feminine ways of being. On Level 1 (Instinctive), this duality is expressed as either taking action from our Sensations (masculine) or our Feelings (feminine). Until we integrate the two (become aware of how they interact within us), we are always at the effect of those around us. More importantly, we possess no strength to declare our physical boundaries, which can result in becoming a victim of our circumstances.

Conditioning (where we deny either our Sensations or Feelings, or both) undermines our Life balance and we perceive ourselves as weak (needing others to ensure our safety). We never affirm ourselves with others by talking about both our Sensations and Feelings, which (by default) invites our partner to attempt to care-take us by speaking to what they perceive of our experience. This is a compromise that generates larger Fears and Desires, confusing us and creating Inertia. When we are unable to make decisions about our physical needs, it reflects the experience of being compromised or driven by someone else’s needs, causing us to either stand apart or accept their input. Both positions are limiting and weak because they are not based on our own experience and do not integrate the masculine and feminine of our authentic Creative Expression.

Conditioning focuses us on superficial experiences that we think will be fulfilling, but in reality, only produce more internal separation. We become polarized when our likes and dislikes conflict. Most of the time, this has to do with our Fears and Desires. What is missing is an integrated experience of our Sensations and Feelings that allows us to assimilate our Fears and Desires and respond rather than react to others. This preoccupation with our Attachments (Fears and Desires) keeps us from taking in the larger picture. It reduces us from a coherent body-experience to a weak, fragmented connection where we feel vulnerable. This makes us sensitive to projections and comments from others, producing constant reactions in us. These reactions cause past areas of compromise to flare up, so we turn to conditioning to protect us and give us comfort. Instead of losing ourselves in Sensation or Feeling patterns of repression, such as denying Fears and Desires, we want to accept that our need to exist is beautiful.

Our whole body system is an exquisite design; incredibly well-proportioned and seeks to balance itself. Yet our Attachments keep us from benefitting fully from the tools we have. The Intent is to support the full expression of Life, Light and Love so we can make our contribution. The purpose of our body is to provide a foundation and interface with the Universe; our sensory tools support us in understanding the realities around us. If we cannot own our Sensations and Feelings, we cannot then individuate ourselves from others. With Objectification patterns, denying others makes us deny our own Sensations and Feelings. The result is confusion, as Excitement (an imbalance of Fears and Desires) becomes a false substitute for knowing what we want. Excitement promotes reactions and limits the exploration of Fears and Desires. This becomes distracting in unconscious, parental-substitute relationships — we trap ourselves in reaction and limit the exploration of our Fears and Desires. In our ignorance, we try to fix others and ourselves with limited tools and conditioning, when things would naturally come into balance on their own if we experienced our Sensations and Feelings simultaneously.

Excitement attracts internally disconnected people. It reflects the fact that we are in a chaotic state that is only modulated by an Objectification pattern (where we make appearances more important than the quality of the connection). Objectification makes others attractive to us, because we feel confident they can be controlled by their needs. Excitement is a combination of Greed and Arrogance, both of which create blind spots that those who Objectify can use to their advantage. Ultimately, Excitement produces a completely artificial experience where our beliefs (and conditioning) are acted out regardless of how the other person responds. We create our own virtual fantasy spaces when we Objectify others. In the Higher Alignment work, we have no argument with people using the word ‘excitement’ to indicate interest, passion or enthusiasm; the actual experience of Excitement is far more limiting and negative.

We establish a boundary by reconciling opposite impulses. One impulse is to go inward and clarify our needs. The other impulse is to address someone else’s needs and forget our own. Until we can unify our needs and take care of ourselves while responding to others, our boundaries will have no power. When we affirm our Sensations, but deny our Feelings. We take action to satisfy external requirements without taking care of our inner needs. When we affirm our Feelings and deny our Sensations, we take action to satisfy our inner needs but ignore external threats. This creates the need to have partners with opposite Defensive styles for us to be safe.

It is gender identity fixations that drive the imbalance between internal and external dualities. Until we take responsibility for both our Sensations and Feelings, we experience no energetic boundaries and falsely believe we need others to be safe. Affirming our boundary and energetic balance begins by recognizing that we maintain our Safety by acting appropriately to a situation. It is our ability to respond, rather than react, which makes us real and our actions appropriate. Reactions consume energy and keep us from forward momentum. Responding helps us resolve dualities by being able to see our options at a larger and more integrated level. We call this process of integrated reflection on our physical state ‘Presence’.

Presence is what allows us to know where we are in a process and provides the option to respond in a more inclusive way, even though we may find that ours and others’ reactions are upsetting to us. This requires clear communication of what works and what does not work for us. It means declaring in no uncertain terms when we feel violated, and the consequences if the reaction continues. By caring for ourselves we learn to honor both our inner and outer indicators, not relying on others to care for us. For some who deny that they need anyone for anything, this is a major re-evaluation process. Until we are able to distinguish and respond to our authentic Fears, our Desires will not matter. It is also true that fixating on Desires, at the cost of not paying attention to the red-flag warnings of our Fears, is also a compromise. This is why our gender identity seems so Paradoxical. On one hand, we are masculine or feminine on the physical level, and it indicates some behavioral tendencies within us. On the other hand, many of us find that other parts of our masculine and feminine identity can overwhelm and confuse our obvious gender identity perspectives.

One example of gender identity perspectives is how undeveloped men seek freedom at the cost of connection. They believe that keeping their options open will lead to finding better partners. What validates this premise is when relationships turn out to be not as good as they imagined and they escape feeling they have dodged a bullet. Women, at the gender identity level, feel vulnerable and seek to create reasons why a particular partner will be right for them. The more they connect these reasons to an integrated framework and focus only on the upside possibilities, the less they are prepared when their partner disappears. What the man experiences is the pressure to live up to his words and her desires. When this becomes too much, he decides the relationship is not right and moves on, not realizing it is his lack of flexibility that is causing the pattern to be repeated. Ironically, when the woman assesses her options at this point, she gets the message that she has to be clear and more demanding up front so she will not be hurt. This reveals that everyone at this level is operating in a superficial manner, not engaging each other in ways that are appropriate to the circumstances (each person has become more entranced by his/her own Desires).

The main shift to better relationships is learning to make choices from a range of options, which we create anew in each moment. As a result, many of us do not operate this way and miss out on opportunities. When we adopt a CNG, there is an acknowledgement of who we are based on choices not on reactions. The more options we create, the more we scare away individuals who are not comfortable operating outside of their conditioning. This is because we see through the false promises of Safety being delivered by unconscious groups or individuals. The more individuals do role-playing to manage their interactions, the less present and more scared they are that others will see this for what it is. When we act in alignment with our Motives, we attract others seeking continuity or attempting to calibrate to what people say and how they act. These are the individuals who also seek greater Aliveness, which makes them natural allies when we operate in alignment with our True Nature.

In Unconscious Entanglements, sexuality confirms our attraction. On this level, we jump into sex because we do not want to examine too closely the possible obstacles to the relationship. From a conditioned view, being propositioned and having a partner that is committed to being sexual with us is perceived as a key element to feeling safe. This opens the possibility that we can suspend our fears and just engage our desires. The more the partner lives up to our Expectations that they are doing what we need them to do in order to engage this process, the easier it is to surrender to it. While Romantic Mythology or Seduction can heighten this delusion, they do not have to convince the partner, they only need to say what the partner expects to hear. This programming is a biological expression meant to guarantee procreation. Most of the time, we are not thinking very clearly. Instead, the body language and the clarity of the Intent impresses the partner to go along with the process. As a result, a lot of Excitement-based partners go along just because it is expected of them and is a response to their out-of-balance state. Of course, it does help if one person is repressed in their Feelings and the other person is repressed in their Sensations. This creates a circumstance where they need each other to create a connection to themselves.

Our experience of Beauty is based on Harmony, which is a shared human desire. It particularly reduces chaos and makes our apparently random choices bearable. We can see the degree to which we are aware by our appreciation of Beauty. First, there is outer Beauty, then the inner quality of Beauty, and finally, the purpose and the degree of inner connection between the two. True Beauty calls to us and we open up. Beauty shifts our perception so that we see with greater wholeness. Beauty encourages us to reorganize our way of seeing so that our response and self-reflection becomes part of the experience. In this process, the Personal becomes the Transpersonal as we shift into a state of connection with others. All other forms of energetic connection are just visiting. Through Beauty, bonding occurs. Our taste expands and we experience greater connection to life itself.

When we identify with our appearance, we deny our natural Life Energy. The irony is that the more we are imbalanced in our Sensations and Feelings, the more we rely on physical beauty to establish a connection. In this circumstance, we seek a partner who appears Safe, but can only superficially bond with us. When we agree that both parties are safe, or at least will act in a safe manner with each other, this is what Instinctive individuals call ‘having a connection’. The more we choose partners that seem familiar to us (because they fit our parental pattern) the safer they appear to be. The problem is that over time, our false projections of Safety obviously are not as true as we hoped. Our fear of making a mistake means that we seek Attention, Acceptance and Approval without getting locked into the sharing of Life Energy. Instead, we trigger our Imprinting and Pretenses to take care of our partner so that we can artificially reinforce the Safety pattern, which only lasts until we become exhausted. After about three months, these false perceptions cannot be sustained and we discover whether the partner will accept us as we are, or whether we will need to leave the relationship to keep from being hurt.

What will happen is that as we lose our self in the pursuit of Pleasure, Pleasure will become more elusive. This is primarily a result of affirming our Sensations and denying our Feelings or vice versa. This requires us to find partners doing the opposite in order to affirm our Pleasure (or complete the circuit). We need both Sensations and Feelings to experience Pleasure, if not within us, then with others. We can block or limit our connection internally by avoiding Sensations or Feelings or only acknowledging them in certain circumstances. Our religious conditioning typically defines our expectation framework. One of the biggest examples of this is how self-enforced sexual repression limits our ability to connect unless we consider it a long-term, religiously appropriate partnership. By externalizing Pleasure (needing a partner to complete us), we deny or limit our experiences of Pleasure. This means that we cannot individually engage beauty or pleasure outside certain boundaries, as it actually repulses us if it is not in alignment with our upbringing.

Another way of describing Attractions is that individuals with strong Feelings attract those with strong Sensations, or vice versa. In fact, the more imbalanced we are, the more we experience Excitement. This is because we really Desire something, but, at the same time, we really Fear that it will not come to pass.  This creates both anticipation and a desire to escape. We may want something, but also fear it will be taken away if we relax about it and accept it in our lives. When we have these imbalances, we cannot bond with our partners because they cannot meet us in both Sensations and Feelings, simultaneously. Because of these imbalances, we experience relationships that drain us or take too much effort to even maintain. What we are actually seeking is a partner who is more self-sustaining so that we do not have to provide them with energy on these levels, or expect them to take care of us when we are down.

Sometimes we have mixed programming and need polar opposite instinctive types to engage relationships. These individuals allow us to complete the Pleasure circuit if they are strong in the area of our weakness and vice versa. When we finally realize that we also compromise Pleasure by choosing parental substitute patterns, it often becomes too much to comprehend. What we are denying is that Excitement does not promote Pleasure; it only inhibits it. Aliveness and sensory body awareness promote Pleasure. If we are committed to Pleasure, we will be more open, alive, and willing to fully connect to our partner. Otherwise, we tend to approach new partners as if we are giving them a test of how good they will be with us. Another part of this dilemma is that Excitement energy diminishes over time in any relationship, so the sex quickly gets worse. Until we confront these issues, we will not fully move to Level 2.

When we do not synchronize with another energetically they repulse us. When we shift in some way that our partner cannot comprehend, it creates an opportunity to engage our partner anew or leave them. The primary cause for breakups at this level is unexpected choices made by one partner without consulting the relationship (unilateral actions). Unconscious conditioning is the primary motivating energy at the Instinctive level. It is manifested by attractions and repulsions that we seem to have no control over. When we are partners operating on this level it makes the relationship unpredictable and chaotic. The irony is that what we seek most is stability, reliability and consistency. This type of unconscious associative thinking keeps us stuck in the revolving door of choosing parental substitutes as partners (to create the feeling of safety and familiarity), which leads nowhere because the future is random and uncertain. This is also why safety and superficial mutual neediness is so rampant and important. We want to learn to be undaunted by others’ preoccupations with themselves (which typically enchants us at this level).

The more we are attracted to outer appearances indicates that we have not yet accepted our inner and outer Beauty. Excitement is the main indicator, although the Instinctive Motives of Lust, Greed and Arrogance are also primary indicators, that we are not present with our body awareness. Our lack of body awareness robs us of confidence and distracts us from making the best life choices. We end up living in a state of mediocrity, not wanting to be an example others look to, and not wanting to be someone others ignore. When we Objectify others, we typically fantasize about possessing them, which is the result of not being clear about our own Intent. Instead, we compromise our Intent by doing things for others that cumulatively can exhaust us. Creative Imprinting is one of the main ways we distract ourselves from taking action in a natural way. Creative Imprinting is where we imagine that taking certain actions will make others feel safer being with us. What we do not understand is that every attempt at people pleasing actually reflects that we do not own our natural body awareness. Every time we resort to convincing others that we are some way that we are not, we demonstrate how Excitement has a hold on us.

Most of us have at least three or four major Creative Imprints that prevent us from being clear about our natural course in life. These Imprints are named after the seven Creative Expressions. Each parent could provide three or four Imprints that have to do with their Primary, Secondary, Mental Body Expression, or their own Imprinting. We measure the strength of the Imprint on a zero to three scale, with three meaning that we believe we are a particular Imprint. In the worst-case scenario, we end up denying our natural Creative Expressions in favor of our parental Imprints. The biggest problem with this is that others will not respect us for these false Creative Expressions because they will sense that the imprints are not authentic. As a result, they will become irritated, frustrated, or even repulsed by these ways of interacting.

Let’s imagine that our father is an Inventor Investigator Visionary with Implementer and Storyteller Imprinting. Our mother could be a Visionary Investigator Inventor with Compassionate and extra Investigator Imprinting. In this situation, the main Imprints that we would get from our father, since he was not doing his Inventor well, would be Investigator, Visionary and Implementer Imprinting. We would probably get some Imprinting around Storyteller and Inventor, but it may be compromised or even negative Imprinting (which would repulse us). The main Imprinting we would get from our mother would be Visionary and Investigator with a dose of her Investigator Imprinting. We also might take on a lot of care taking beliefs from her Compassionate Imprinting. Overall, the Investigator Imprinting would be the most convincing. We might believe that we are an Investigator, even when we are not. Confusion will continue as an impact of this until we can separate out the things we attempt to demonstrate from our natural ways of being. The main issue is that that by being entangled in our parental imprinting we choose partners that are the most difficult for us. Harville Hendrix has conclusively demonstrated this.

Another lesson learned at this level is that the more we attempt to be liked, the more difficult it is to maintain our reputation. It takes effort to keep others engaged and appreciative of us. Initially, we attempt this by doing our parental Imprinting. For example, if we have Compassionate Imprinting, we have difficulty separating our problems from others’ problems, and we keep attempting to make the lives of others better even if it compromises us. This Imprinting has diminishing returns and even repulses others if it mimics their natural way of Being. The more we do Creative Expression Imprinting, the more it isolates us from others; we do not actually realize why we have to work so hard to stay in someone’s good graces. It also focuses us on only seeing and accepting the superficial desires of others to make things better. Underneath this facade we are faced with the startling contrast between what we are trying to live up to and how we consistently fail to authentically support others. We do not even realize that this split – between the facades and authenticity - is the source of our doubts and our fears about being phony. It is also the reason why individuals exhibit so much guilt at this level. We end up recognizing that much of our activities are actually inauthentic.

Every time we do Imprinting, there will some Excitement about whether or not we are pulling it off. When the Imprinting is heavier and we need to prove ourselves more, there will be some Intensity as well. The worst Imprinting will usually have an overlay of Anxiety because we are not sure we are convincing, always doubting that other people believe in us. While Imprinting usually results in our checking out or ‘going unconscious’, it focuses us on superficial behavior where we think others believe in us. Others of course, particularly when they are doing their own Imprinting, will want to believe in us. This pushes us to develop mutual support agreements so that no matter what happens, we will back them up. Some people would say this agreement is a simplified Instinctive form of co-dependence, which actually requires greater justification or Anxiety.

The seven types of Creative Imprinting are:

  1. Orchestrator Imprinting is about demonstrating our insightfulness and clarity about what needs to be done and how it needs to be done. We want others to automatically defer to us and just do whatever we tell them. We see ourselves as great implementers, even though we may not have a track record to prove how effective we are. We present ourselves as strong and forceful so others will not question us. We tend to know a little about everything, which we turn into being Renaissance people. We are always surprised that people do not trust us. We see ourselves as politically savvy, even though others may not believe we are.

  2. Compassionate Imprinting is about demonstrating that we care more than anyone else. We want to be seen as the cool and calm ones in a crisis. We like to talk about what will make a situation better or more peaceful even though we are not being peaceful within ourselves. We beat ourselves up if we are not being nice, protective or supportive of others in difficult situations. We believe that being sympathetic is the same as being empathetic (Not!). We even fall into the trap of sacrificing ourselves or being a martyr if it will get us more street cred. Ultimately, we need to prove that it is our duty to be the one that makes sure everything works out for others, even if we are cringing in the process.

  3. Implementer Imprinting is about demonstrating our capacity to do things succinctly, precisely and completely to a time frame. This Imprinting is more about looking strong and being valued for what we can accomplish. We see ourselves as organizers, managers and doers, even though we may have times when we are not clear or focused. We like having rules but if we do not have a true Implementer expression, we do not apply them to ourselves. We believe that we always keep our agreements and are loyal, except when it is not convenient or practical. Being able to meticulously work through an implementation plan should get us bonus points, right? We sometimes overdo our activities and come up with many excuses why these circumstances are different that what we normally do. We always have excuses as to why we are not performing at our optimum.

  4. Inventor Imprinting is about demonstrating that we are unique, better, or different than anyone else we have ever met. We want others to acknowledge our uniqueness and appreciate our ideas immediately. When this does not happen, we feel unseen and unvalued. We may also not be as socially comfortable, so we focus on why our ideas would make a difference in the lives of others. Another way Inventor Imprinting shows up is in our exaggeration of certain skills such as music, photography, interior design, computer programming, falsely believing that these skills demonstrate our unique capabilities. While Inventors love tattoos, Inventor Imprinted individuals also use tattoos to distinguish themselves from others.

  5. Investigator Imprinting is about demonstrating that we know what we are talking about. This can promote a form of arrogance and superiority as we constantly seek ways to show that we are the expert. We also get hooked into proving our analytical skills and how well read we are. When questioned, we come up with great fronts or facades that divert people’s attention from what we do not know, giving us time to study a situation and read about it in the background without them realizing it. We also complain about inconsistencies or lack of logical completeness and yet always end up doing what we complain about.

  6. Visionary Imprinting is about demonstrating how great we are to others. We are always advertising how much we have done for others or how much they count on us to forward their own lives. We like to see ourselves as the center of a network of people helping others to be the best they can be. If we do not have any true Visionary element, we do not typically tune into the emotional pain they feel or the reason that they have the problems. Instead, we fixate on giving them exactly the right advice in a perfectionistic way because we want to make sure they can differentiate good from bad. This criticalness is one of the things that distinguish Visionary Imprints when they are stressed or unhappy.

  7. Storyteller Imprinting is about demonstrating that we are fun-loving comedians, able to entertain and get the best out of any group. In truth, we may think of ourselves as funny, but usually, our jokes fall flat. While we want to be seen as the life of the party, we need to do pretty crazy things to get this type of attention. We believe that others find our voice endearing, the truth is that others find us more boring or irritating because we do not shut up. We also believe that we are great salespeople because of our natural personality and smooth style. Most Storyteller Imprinting, when we do not have a real Storyteller element, falls on deaf ears because people do not know if they can trust us.

The more Imprinting we are doing, the less authentic Creative Expression we have time for. Some individuals could consume as much as 20 to 30 percent of their energy doing Imprinting. While there are many ways to release and heal Imprinting, nothing prevails as much as a commitment to be more natural and real. Any time we are exerting a huge effort to demonstrate who we are, it indicates that we are caught in a lot of Imprinting. The more we reduce our Imprinting, the more our natural expressions will emerge.

Sensations are the basis of our physical and sensory experiences. This not only involves the five sensory frameworks, but also how we integrate our experience into a single recognizable whole. For example, we might have a stomachache, a sore throat, and simultaneously feel stressed and tired in our head. This could be an indication of sickness, but it also could be an indication of nervousness because we are preparing for a race. It is our Context or feelings in this situation that inform our experience. What we are looking for is a way to be present enough with our Sensations so we can recognize what our experience means moment to moment. For example, does the speed at which we eat cause us to overeat because we cannot sense when we are full? Unless we are paying attention to our body experiences, our body will not be able to support us.

Feelings are how we interpret our sensory framework. It has to do with acknowledging what is true and sharing it with ourselves and others. In this way, Feelings are a sensory feedback program letting us know that we are okay. The key thing to know about Feelings is that they are always present moment to moment. This distinguishes them from Emotions, which are often projected through time. Another differentiator is that Feelings are simple, while Emotions are complex and intellectually framed. This means that we frequently try to explain our Emotions, but do not know how to explain our Feelings. When we are down, the benefit of sharing Feelings is that we create a reflection of what is going on, with a partner, in order to improve our general well-being. This does not mean that we are pulling our partner down, but that we know when they are down.

When we become bonded with each other through a mutual sharing of both Sensations and Feelings, it creates greater Aliveness and freedom of expression with each other. This is the opposite of the previous conditioned states of being. In this situation, our heart energy plays a greater part, allowing the interactions with each other to flow from our natural ability to see the inward and outward beauty of our partner. Bonding on a physical level requires this sharing. Otherwise, the partner is a parental substitute that serves some need to feel Safe. Mostly, we use role-playing to determine the limits of trust and see how much energy it takes us to engage and meet partner expectations. We usually limit our participation and isolate from our partner, especially when their expectations are difficult to meet.

The main problem is that we mostly experience creative dissonances with our companions because we are usually attracted to parental pattern partners who are afraid of bonding. We fall in love with their expectations about us, as we are looking for the best-looking partner we can stand to be with. Excitement indicates the degree of compromise we experience between our Fear and Desire for our partner. The more Fear and Desire we experience with our partner, the less we are able to consciously connect through Aliveness. Aliveness is the Attention, Acceptance, and Approval that arises when we energetically align with a partner. This is about congruence. With Aliveness, we become bonded. We do not need to prove our value to our partner. Otherwise, we get caught up in Pretenses, which prevent bonding. Pretenses further distract us from the actual state of our relationships. They provide false assurances that our partner needs us, when actually they do not. Eliminating Pretenses not only frees up energy to be more creative, but it effectively prevents us from getting attached to the role and appearance of our partner, allowing us to experience creative bonding.

Objectification is one of the three ways we disconnect from others. The more we see and use others as objects, the more it opens the door for them to treat us as objects. When we Objectify others, appearances matter more than the truth of our circumstances. It means we fixate on how things look and not on what they actually mean. A great example of this is one of my clients who, after telling me of his desire for blondes, could not understand why I did not see that blondes tend to be more cuddly. When I turned this around and asked him directly if any of the previous twenty blondes he had been in relationship with were actually cuddly, he replied, after thoughtful reflection, that he had to admit they were not. Until this point in time, he did not realize this. He had not realized he was projecting this quality of ‘cuddliness’ on them, and yet, his mind made up the idea that they were cuddly to make it easier to accept them. The patterns of women he had chosen all had Dynamic Defense Styles that, with the other factors he was choosing, almost guaranteed he was never going to find cuddly. This is why we are so often confused when our partners turn out to be different than what we initially thought. This distortion, where he believed a physical characteristic would make a relationship easier, was an Objectification pattern that sabotaged his choices and denied reality. The larger issue is that when we end up believing superficial perceptions, it creates a denial where we trust our self and our actual experience less over time.

When we live in this artificial way, we seek external Attachments (to things, people and places) to anchor an apparently safe, albeit false reality. We use Expectations to see everything as we wish it would be, hoping that circumstances will bring us what we Desire. We become very sensitive when others do not accept or affirm our distorted perceptions, creating relationship friction. It drains our energy when we repress something when it is similar to others or when others are different from us. These conflicts create an energetic burden because we need to either ignore them or push them away when it gets to be too much. Conditioning is an unconscious protection mechanism that drives us to neutralize conflicts by denying they exist or by keeping others far enough away that it will not matter. In this artificial world, familiarity allows us to instinctively know when each strategy will work. This promotes automatic reactions that push us to do one strategy or another, without thinking about it. We can observe many examples of this when love–at-first-sight initially leads to complete agreement, yet five months later we cannot stand being around that person.

There are three ways we can relate or manipulate Excitement to hide its negative impact. We can Avoid it, Control it, or Idealize it. When we Avoid it, we deny self-interest and selfishness, and the sorrow they cause. The effect is that we use cruelty against ourselves and others to maintain our distance. We also fall in love with our appearance as a way to compensate for when others are better looking, which then makes us comfortable by comparison. We can alternatively Control Excitement to push others’ opinions away, or to reenact past losses to distract us from asserting ourselves when we are afraid to be at the effect of others. We accomplish our objective to distract others by making them less interested in challenging us. We can use cleverness, stubbornness, and criticalness to distinguish ourselves or punish others who step out of line. Finally, we can Idealize Excitement, which is where we internalize it as a necessary evil because we need the stimulation or the anticipation of Excitement to eliminate the boredom of our lives. Excitement is the fantasy that we will experience Pleasure by doing something, when more likely, our actions bring us pain.

By examining some of our unconscious relationships, we see how our pursuit of Excitement persistently ends in pain. Over time, we cease to believe that there is cheese down the tunnel. We start acting out the self-hatred and primal suffering as jadedness (where we lose all trust that what we do will lead to Pleasure), Derision (which is projected outward as anger) and Inertia (where we refuse to do anything that requires effort). Objectification is not dead until we realize that Pleasure is the embodied experience where inner and outer Beauty become balanced.

The Distortion Of Objectification

We do Objectification when we view ourselves or our partners in terms of sexual desirability without considering the deeper unique humanity expressed. Objectification leverages physical characteristics for personal sexual gratification, usually in exchange for a promise of connection (avoiding loneliness), safety or security. This drive is a conscious or unconscious conditioned response for the purpose of quickly acquiring what is needed (no matter the long term cost). Even if Objectification does not occur as a compromise, it arrests growth and minimizes the development of more conscious relationships. It does this by preventing appropriate boundaries and keeping individuals from expressing their fears or desires. Most importantly we end up feeling guilty that we use people without knowing beforehand whether it is appropriate or not. When Objectifying we end up believing that we need our partner’s energy and go about acquiring it without considering the impact of this on us or them. We also start believing that this type of transaction is a normal one in relationships.

We call Objectification an invasion because it violates our natural boundaries by getting us to believe something that is not true. When we come to rely on Outer Beauty at the cost of our Inner Beauty, it makes us an object that others think they can manipulate. These judgments about our Beauty hurt, and at best, teach us to engage our Inner Beauty. At worst, they make us cynical and jaded about the world. This Beauty trap leaves no healthy survivors as it inflicts psychic wounds in us all. Objectification rationalizes our needs, so we end up demanding that our partner respond in the ways we want. Objectification covers up our selfishness by making it appear to be just a biological need or a desire for pleasure that everyone has. The more selfish we are, the more we unconsciously hurt the individuals we supposedly love.

When we Objectify ourselves or others, we end up denying our own Beauty. This creates greater insecurity and the need to get others to acknowledge us. Vanity and entitlement are indicators that we are making the most of our Objectification program. We believe this because we look good and can get others to defer to us. When others need us to confirm them, it demonstrates that we have some power or value over them. While our fears of not matching other people’s Beauty can make us feel anxious, the main way we express our anxiety is through Excitement. Excitement becomes the indicator that we interpret as pushing us to be Alive when actually it only deadens our senses. Objectification also artificially distances us from others so we do not need to feel their pain at not being included or acknowledged for their Beauty. Due to this detachment, Objectification becomes more of a game where we rate others on a scale of one to ten, so we do not have to confront our own issues.

As we become more conscious, we start to realize that this desire to possess a partner is actually a reflection of a desire to recover our wholeness. Unfortunately, when we cannot find our wholeness within, we look to our partner to fill the void. Any fantasy of ‘possession’ indicates that we imagine using or defining the benefits of our partners for ourselves. It is covertly violent as it voids any Autonomy or self-determination for the individual possessed. We end up believing that we can manage the relationship to take care of ourselves, at the cost of our partners’ well being. We can measure Objectification by the degree that the relationship becomes an object to satisfy us. As a result, we become more superficial or mechanical in our approach to make our partner fit our circumstances. This happens naturally when we become desensitized to the violence of this type of relationship. We repress our pain and ignore the aggression or accommodation that indicates compromise.

When we Objectify ourselves and others, we actually become infatuated with the appearance of others. This distraction to fixate on something of beauty helps to relieve the tension we feel when our relationships do not work. Objectification is the result of believing that certain physical characteristics mean something important to us. Otherwise we cannot see how to stay in the relationship. For example, we may believe that tall, thin women are elegant, graceful and more fluid, and yet, never confirm this with any partner we choose. In effect, we never question our assumptions because the fantasy is so much better. This is actually infatuation. It is an attempt to take an issue that repulsed us with our own parents and make it glorious in our fantasy. In the case above, it could be that our mother was awkward, rigid and verbally critical, which we are trying to reverse by idealizing partners we think will make things different for us.

When we Objectify others, we unconsciously separate ourselves from them, reducing any compassion, empathy or connection we have with others. As a result, we cannot see our own cruelty, criticalness, vanity, derision, stubbornness, suspicion, and jadedness, or where our cleverness is overdone. What these qualities hide is the sorrow, suffering, grief, avarice, conceit, and self-hatred that occur by believing our outer presentation. As we continue to avoid what we are hiding, we can deny that it exists. Fortunately, when we examine who we attract into our lives and recognize that they are attracted to us because we deny the same things, it can wake us up. When we come to see these qualities in others, it reflects how much we are denying in ourselves.

Objectification is invisible to those under its influence. When we are Objectified, it might initially seem that we have power over others because we can command their attention. This type of attention undermines and erodes our Aliveness because we know that others do not see us, only our appearance. We may feel dirty when we are Objectified because we end up being seduced by the pleasure of being superficially seen. Usually we wake up when we discover that the attention can disappear and dissipate quickly. It is even more shocking when we realize that the reasons we were together with our partners were illusions. Sometimes this takes a long time because we need to lose the power of our Outer Beauty before we are willing to confront that we need our Inner Beauty. Some of us who have made a living on our looks feel worthless and abandoned when we lose our superficial beauty.

Seeing with the eyes of an Objectifier, where we deny the fullness of Life expression creates a fixation on ugliness. It is ironic that we become addicted to this ugliness because of our parental incompletion. We seek a partial beauty over an open perspective. True Beauty takes us beyond self-imposed limits. Beauty in form plays to our deepest memories of a loss or denial where we imagined a solution we could not implement (or have). This is why we become so reactive to certain images that enchant us. It is no wonder that we commonly disregard true Beauty in the pursuit of superficial beauty. We are attached to finding answers to our deepest unconscious yearnings, which places us at the effect of our conditioned relationship choices. From this place of Fear we also learn to avoid what could naturally be good for us. This illustrates why an unresolved parental pattern almost guarantees that the relationships we choose will be upsetting, unconscious and self-limiting.

When we pierce the veil of Objectification by building our Aliveness and Intent, we begin to realize that our safety comes from our inner trust of our body senses. This ability to reflect on ourselves is called Spacious Presence. While it is useful with others, it is most important to manifest it internally so we are not critical of ourselves. Basically, we come to recognize that there are no accidents, but rather our own carefully constructed lessons. Can we trust ourselves to fulfill these lessons in order to raise our consciousness? If we say no, the cost is additional confusion as we seek out parental substitutes to comfort us. What we continually experience is the apparent randomness of our options, which always seems to challenge our destiny. Maybe if we throw ourselves into these relationships more fully, we will eventually be able to find our way out. If we say yes, we no longer have to pander to our addictions. Instead, we can accept the balance and joy that comes from being true to our Life Purpose.

When we are balanced between our Sensations and Feelings and present to our physical nature, Objectification is neutralized and we can see the Motives of others. We can also concentrate on manifesting our intentions. As a result, we do not confuse our outer actions and can act with a congruence of purpose. Our ability to tap into our Life Energy allows us to cut through our attachment to outer appearances. This increases our ability to be energetically true to ourselves. In effect, by being able to bring our Feelings and Sensations together, we become capable of bonding with life. As a result, unconscious people become repulsive while integrated, conscious individuals become attractive. The benefit of this process is that we learn to trust our impulses as to what to do and when to do it. This helps us validate our natural unfolding and puts us on our path of growth.

We can develop our Aliveness by focusing on our Motives and calibrating to when we are in alignment and when we are not. When we are out of alignment, Excitement is what attracts us to others, which is a combination of Fear and Desire. Aliveness is being able to engage the heartbeat of others and synchronize with them. With alignment, we expand and experience the greater power of Motives to shift us into higher states of connection. Some individuals can experience this when they synchronize their breathing. When our flow is interrupted, Fears emerge and our possibilities shrink, creating experiences of contraction. These fears are usually triggered by certain stimuli, when we believe other people are withdrawing from us. They instinctively represent danger because they tend to reengage past experiences in the current moment. With this going on, it is a wonder that any of our aspirations can manifest. By unifying our Sensations and Feelings, we come to notice the Fears and Desires so we can rise above them.

When we operate from a limited number of Motives, we become bored, selfish and also completely predictable. With limited Motives, we automatically reinforce our Imprinting and become fixated on being seen as a clear, perfect being. Our ideas of being proper or loving the rules becomes our safety blanket. Most of all, we avoid risk where something new could emerge. This is one reason we both fear and desire parental substitute relationships. In Unconscious Entanglement relationships, we discover a lot more about ourselves. This can be Transmuted into greater confidence, or if we are rejected or abandoned, into taking less risk. With less Motives in action, we become more fearful of being hurt. It puts more pressure on us to perform. What many of us actually want is to be freer by exploring and mastering additional Motives. This would create greater flexibility and help others, particularly who are more conscious, to see us. It also opens up our Life Energy and attracts partners who are more Alive.

When we complete the Intent level, it opens us up to getting what we need to actually fulfill our destiny. New opportunities keep manifesting for us. When we do things, we naturally build momentum, which other individuals respond to. Our belief in ourselves expands and we attract interesting people to us. The question becomes, “What are we going to do with these resources?” The universe is asking us to step up and make our contribution. If we are committed to this process, we magnetize support. If we squander this process, we eventually become depleted, caught in Inertia, and unable to move forward. Of course, if we are able to affirm our path, then slow comebacks are possible. 

Acknowledge to yourself that each one of us is a creative being, which is supporting us to be adventurers exploring our personal unknowns. Let us explore our inner world as much as we explore our outer world. Imagine healing your connections to yourself by consciously following your breath as it regenerates your own Life energy. Or by watching your Thoughts and Emotions come together to form your Truth that you share with someone. Seeing how your body awareness can match and embrace your knowing in this moment is what makes us free. The more we practice checking in with our experience, the easier it will be to connect to the experience of others without losing ourselves.

When we avoid recognizing our Motives and the Motives of others, we are Objectifying ourselves and others. We hide our Motives from others, which in turn allows them to blindside us even when we claim lower motives. Our partners seldom know how much we are using others to selfishly satisfy our needs. When friends question our actions, we can validate our level of Objectification when we artificially attempt to claim the higher motives of our partners. It is ironic that falling in love may temporarily improve our Motives, only to fall back to earth when we feel others have taken advantage of us. If we heal the imbalance around Objectification, we see through the Pretenses of false Motives and recognize when a partner is caught in false beliefs about themselves. Until we learn how to uplift our Motives and the Motives of our partners, we will continue to be at the effect of Motives. Uplifting Motives to the next higher level critically helps anchor an individual on the new level, inviting them to participate using other lateral Motives on the same level. (See the diagram.)

Motives are actually a measure of our Intent. The higher the level of the Motive, the more embodied we are in our Intent. Objectifiers commonly believe that they can do the minimum and still get rewarded for it. What they do not realize is that our Motives reveal how committed or not committed we are to the people and processes around us. On each level of Motives, there are different indicators that reflect their ability to engage their life work. Becoming conscious of Motives means we see when we are caught up in Objectification. We can also see the Objectification level of our partners by the Motives they choose to use in connecting to others. Identify a person in your life and recognize what Motives you are using with them. Does the level reflect your degree of trust? Does the focus on masculine/feminine or combined tell you anything about the nature of your relationship? We think it does.

Each action reaps its own reward or punishment. The more our behavior is not self-centered, does not allow others to react to us, and does not attempt to manipulate others for the benefit of our ideals, the cleaner it is in relationships. Clean Motives are Universal Dominion (accepting others as they are), Mutual Accomplishment (creating streamlined ways of working together), and Conscious Participation (realizing that showing up is 80% of the process). These Motives require that we let go of personality attachments so that we no longer attempt to manipulate others to serve our needs. We accomplish this by looking at what upsets us so that we can question our programming, fears, or frustrated desires. Are these issues an attempt to avoid personal responsibility? Can we change our expectations rather than blaming others? This discovery process supports us in becoming more autonomous. Instead of attempting to change or fix others (which is a hopeless and unsuccessful strategy) we adjust our expectations, recognizing that others may have very different lessons from ours.

Our duty to others, particularly those we love, is to provide them with feedback, not to attempt to take away their lessons by putting ourselves in danger. Individuals will, no matter what we say, follow their own path. The best we can do for our friends and partners is to suggest a more inclusive Motive, or hold a higher Motive way of expressing themselves. When they have this support, they see themselves as contributors. Without this support, they see themselves as actors, playing small, because they do not know better. By consciously engaging Motives, we see ourselves as people who are finding new and better ways to act in alignment with our Life Purpose. This is our main responsibility.

Transmuting Objectification is about seeing beyond appearances. For example, we all have bodies that combine two to four elemental BodyType archetypes. At Higher Alignment, we give each of these seven archetypes names that reflect the inner quality, not the outer appearance. The deeper unseen aspects of BodyType tell us more about their potential Authentic Life Expression. Each BodyType can be identified by a set of outer characteristics, i.e. Safe and Supportive BodyType, which is curvy and voluptuous. A person who sees this BodyType in another could judge them as fat. This Objectification tells us more about the fears of the person judging than what is going on with the Safe and Supportive individual. This deeper truth is that the Safe and Supportive individual is learning about femininity and vulnerability. They are natural nurturers and sensitive to the judgment of others, which is also a part of their life lessons. By knowing BodyTypes, we can appreciate the deeper meaning and not focus on the superficial concerns about how their image says something about us, (especially if we are associating with them). How many people and things do we superficially judge based on no true, deeper understanding of the circumstances? For those who are interested, BodyTypes also have a polar opposite, which explains why certain partners are attracted to us.

The first of these, in our childhood, is our Mental Body Expression.

On Level 1, our Mental Body expression is used primarily to keep us out of trouble with our partners. Many times it holds us back from taking unknown risks, even if those risks would benefit us. Its motto should be, “Better to be safe than sorry.” There are seven different Mental Body expressions, which you can examine in the Factors section of the website. It is common to choose partners that have a similar Mental Body expression because they see things as we see them. When this happens, they will also typically have similar family dynamics because the Mental Body is primarily chosen to protect us from family excesses. As a result, we are similar because we overtly believe or have a lot of the same assumptions. This makes our partner seem more familiar to us.

Our Mental Body Creativity can be described as ways we protect ourselves from the over-protections of others. How we determine which one of the following is authentic for us, is that we feel Alive, not Excited, when we engage our gifts. The Seven Mental Body options:

  1. Orchestrators on the Mental Body level stand firm, and even push back, when others impose themselves on them. We see ourselves as strategic thinkers, planners and leaders capable of bringing together small groups to accomplish what no one else can do. We are seen as certain, focused, and totally organized, even if we are not. We protect ourselves by pretending to be above the fray. Some say we are immovable and indifferent to the emotions of others.

  2. Compassionates on the Mental Body level attempt to absorb any conflict and define themselves as neutral parties who can see all points of view. We see ourselves as mediators, unifying and bridging various divides so everyone can participate. We are seen as caring, sentimental and loving. We protect ourselves by pretending to agree with or going along with others. Sometimes we overdo our caring by taking on the problems of others, without first taking care of ourselves. We have difficulty being separate from others.

  3. Implementers on the Mental Body level ignore the issues of others and distract themselves by getting something done. We like to put ourselves completely into the task at hand. We see ourselves as producers and seek to improve the effectiveness of those working with us. We are seen as grounded, unwilling to deal with distractions from our purpose and are strong willed. We protect ourselves by pretending to be indifferent to the problems of others. We care that others see us as keeping our word or promises. We know that no one can compromise us but ourselves.

  4. Inventors on the Mental Body level poke holes in the perspectives of others by seeing what is missing so they can propose alternative options. We are independent and free thinkers, dedicated to improving processes. We see ourselves as outside-the-box problem solvers who are more flexible and fluid in adapting ourselves to new circumstances. We are seen as easy-going, letting little outwardly disturb or upset us. We protect ourselves by pretending to be unavailable or not understanding what is going on. We use convenient distractions to do this. Our main focus is manifesting our power in an elegant manner.

  5. Investigators on the Mental Body level try to figure out why everything happens the way it does, so we can anticipate problems and avoid them, if possible. We see ourselves as collectors of key information so that it can be organized to make a difference. We are seen as individuals who need to understand and question everything before we can commit to it. We protect ourselves by pretending to know more than we do to solidify our image. We often retreat into being an observer, using neutrality to encourage communication and overall confidence.

  6. Visionaries on the Mental Body level want to create better solutions that can be shared emotionally, building a cohesive movement and empowering growth. We accomplish this by being able to see the underlying qualities in others so we can bring out the best in them. We see ourselves as kind, principled and committed to being the best believing that others will be inspired. We are also seen as passionate, highly motivated or even impatient individuals who need to make a difference. We protect ourselves by pretending to be more altruistic than we feel. How can others argue with our goodness?

  7. Storytellers on the Mental Body level want to bring people together to talk about issues. We see ourselves as communicators, providing comic relief and managing activities so that individuals can move forward. We also learn how to talk ourselves out of any problem, and often talk mainly to hear ourselves think. We feel safe when we read stories of heroism and courage. We are sometimes seen as wanting to be the center of attention. We protect ourselves by bluster (talking over others) or using flattery with them. Others see us as happy, friendly, fun loving.

For many of us, our Mental Body Expression is our first experience of choice, where we can show up or not, in an authentic way. To fully engage our Mental Body Expression, we need to experience our complete body knowing. This means that being present to our Sensations and Feelings allows us to be in unity with our physical Intent. This inner presence is experienced as Aliveness and any Excitement becomes relegated to the past. This shift in our awareness also makes us more aware of how others are able to meet us energetically. As a result, sometimes our Attractions shift, as we become more selective with whom we are engaging. If nothing else, most of us start avoiding those individuals who are severely imbalanced or denying their Sensations or Feelings because they will consume our energy with little or no payback.

If we allow ourselves to Objectify others for the purpose of using outer beauty as a way to get what we want, we are guaranteed to operate with this compromise. It will harm us in many ways unless we refuse to function on this level. Without realizing it, Objectification ties us into a past sequence of pain that is unrelenting and accumulates in our system, driving us to act out in negative ways. Sometimes we do not even realize why we are hurting and angry. When we begin to take ownership of this, we start feeling the pain come up. It may take months to clear before it no longer occurs. During that time, we need to be clear that we are not going to take advantage of others desire to use Objectification on us or fall into the trap of Objectifying others in order to get what we want. Objectification never produces anything positive.

Shifting out of these superficial Objectifications can also be validated by where we are in our Motives. When our Motives reflect Universal Dominion, Mutual Accomplishment and Conscious Participation, we know we are ready to connect with others without compromising our Intent. When any of the lower Motives are involved, there is progressively more compromise as we do more things to prove ourselves. Meaning that when we are caught in Greed, Lust and Arrogance, we are the most disconnected from ourselves. This requires personal compromise in order to engage others. Lust, Greed and Arrogance requires us to be operating in Excitement. When we are complete in our actions and able to do more with less, we have consciously aligned our Intent and have chosen the path of Aliveness. This is the first step in the path of Higher Alignment.

At this Instinctive level, we operate in one dimension of choice. Our conditioning and Objectification patterns create only one direction. The only choice is to do it now or later (the “it” doesn’t change). This is due to the mandate that all choices should look ‘safe’. The irony of this is that making choices based entirely on appearances is seldom safe. Safety needs to be created from within, based on our body knowing (Sensations and Feelings). When we are enmeshed or disengaged from others, we are not in touch with our authentic experience (body knowing). We are denying either our Sensations and/or Feelings, minimizing our ability to clearly assess our environment. This type of self-compromise, where appearances distract us from Safety concerns, is what makes Objectification so deceptive. One indication that our perceptions are widening is to view the impact of Excitement and our experiential Modalities (Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts) in terms of energy management. When we are confused about our energetic fluctuations (and aware enough to be confused), we are then starting to heal our Safety issues.

This unconscious merging, where we seek artificial agreement, becomes the best way we know to expand our sense of Safety. When we are not being seen or met in the relationship, we use different strategies of regression into an infantile state of unconscious merging in an attempt to feel unconditional love. It is hope that keeps us attached to the possibility that what is right in front of us is our (only and) best option. For this reason, we have denied our fundamental power by unconsciously choosing this partner based on our conditioning. If this partner has the right pheromones (reflects the same degree of fear we have) and has similar Assumptions and Beliefs, we immediately think we can make it work. This is how we talk ourselves into false beliefs about how right our unconsciously-chosen partners are for us.

Fear of rejection and criticism are the primary issues to be neutralized. The more we are attached to our image, the more pressure we feel to look good. Since we deny our power when we seek unconditional love, it becomes even more important for others to affirm us. It brings up issues where we do not think we can tell our Truth or are afraid of being judged as being too needy. This leads to putting up Facades (Pretenses and Compatibility Factor Imprinting) where we develop persona ‘makeovers’. There are two issues with this: first, it puts our attention completely on how others see us; and second, it creates distance from our true nature (producing emptiness, boredom and numbness). This is why we culturally overemphasize sex, which creates internal conflicts between Sensations and Feelings that result in sexual addiction. By living through our personality characteristics, we feel boxed in, which produces the likelihood that we will act out our Fears. This minimizes the ability to learn and grow from our mistakes.

When personality conditioning is in charge (instead of our Creative Self), the need to protect ourselves through contraction, control and caretaking becomes more important. We contract when others criticize us. We control when we do not trust the circumstances or the people. We care take when we get into automatic patterns of attempting to fulfill others’ needs. At this point, we are not aware of what is actually needed. The possibility of enhanced Creativity, which occurs when we accept our Authentic Nature and freedom of choice, seems distant and unavailable. This justifies a superficial quid-pro-quo exchange of courtesies in order to see what is possible. In the pursuit of minimizing risks, we throw out Creative Exploration, Playfulness and Paradox. Thus, fears of being rejected, discounted, or caught up in fanciful options supersede any commitment to a deeper and more integrated experience.

At the core of personality conditioning is the belief that we have to give up what makes us great in the pursuit of what is acceptable. This self-limiting notion (that it is better not to experience or acknowledge the full range of possibilities) is the basis of Upper Boundary Limits and assumptions. We choose the comfort of familiar possibilities, not the shock of transformative options, which would fundamentally change the way we relate to others. As a result, we live in a self-enforced state of mediocrity. We deny the greatness of our contributions, limiting our experience of loss, fear and pettiness. This is why we say that the first level of embodiment is about overcoming the Fear that we are great. We are not talking about greatness from a personality or egoic level, rather the greatness of embodiment in our Creative Being. This limitation creates the Ego, where we Idealize ourselves (by enhancing differences and seeing others as more or less than us) in order to escape the prison of our personality programming. The goal of this limitation is to disconnect from our pain.

Attachments to Positions and Projections cost us our complete inner experience. The more we react without considering the source of our preconceptions, the less effective we become in our growth and development. The real problem is that by denying aspects of our Modalities (Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts) we develop a reactive persona (or ego) seeking to pay back those we believe previously repressed us. This makes us unwilling to meet others where they are, fearing we will be compromised. These paybacks occur in the realm of proving we are better than others, and also that we have more control and/or choice about our lives than they do. We feel powerless because this reflects our insecurity. Attachments and Positions are the basis for an obsessive desire to compare ourselves to others. This form of motivation is empowered by the pain of self-denial. The more we are disconnected from our true experience, the more empowered our personality is to operate in a separate reality where it needs to control everything. The value of this discussion is to take ownership of denials or repressions so that the pain and joy trapped at this (Instinctive) Level can be released.

We close ourselves down or limit our ability to take in and accept new experiences by denying ourselves in the four Modalities (Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts). The key to expanding experience is to deepen and integrate these frameworks of experience. Most of us believe we have to protect our experiences from others who may traumatize us. We need to realize that no one can define our experiences. We always have the power to interpret reality in a way that serves our mission or purpose. Any obstacles we encounter are only opportunities to expand our perceptions, rather than contract them. We need to stop victimizing ourselves by letting others define our reality. It is our own experience that matters. We need to focus on being able to talk about our Sensations and Feelings so we do not deny our Aliveness and Intent. We are the only arbiters of our experience. Listening to others and disregarding our own experience, will come back to haunt us. Who gave others the power to do this? We did. Who has the power to change this? We do.

The goal is to recover and build our inner, creative experiences. We need to make conscious choices with who we share our experiences. Creating a CNG makes these choices obvious. It also supports us in taking risks to advance our growth. If we cannot own and integrate our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts, we have a limited ability to share our selves with others. Most importantly, wherever we repress a Modality, we decrease our ability to clearly see our world. For example, if we are repressed in our Sensations, it is likely to increase Objectification, which increases the likelihood that we will have an addictive personality. What is even more critical is a lack of self-awareness or Presence; this creates holes in our perception, preventing us from discussing what we experience.

When we deny the ability to be present in any continuum, it creates limits in experiencing Pleasure, Power and Passion. We become jaded, superficial Beings motivated primarily by Safety, unwilling to confront the possibility that we will be rejected. What is frustrating is that imbalances around Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts create dissonances and disconnections. This is not an intentional denial of our experience but, rather, a result of our experience of being different from others. When we merge our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts with others, without clear personal boundaries, their imbalances create repulsions and reactions within us, minimizing our ability to connect with them. Our imbalances attract others with complementary imbalances, creating co-dependence. These are the most difficult partners to be with.

Conversely, we become enmeshed trying to fix others’ experiences, and build resentment when we have to take care of them or define ourselves in terms of their experience. Most of us find it extremely difficult, not only to understand others’ perspective, but responding to their requests to do certain things to meet them in a particular way. We see this in their requests to love them in a particular way (for example, to give them certain gifts at certain times). At the core of this issue is the inability to express themselves authentically and be accepted for their True Nature. We end up needing to include their reality in ours, which ends up denying who we are. Our personality reactions get in the way of authentically connecting to them. What is more difficult to accept is that the Ego, driven by a need for self-importance (repressed Fears and Desires), is not at all a reflection of our Authentic Nature. Instead, we need to learn that Excitement, Intensity and Anxiety are actually co-dependent and compromised ways of connecting. These three factors amplify our personality’s control over us until we stop supporting them.

Healing Our Objectification

Instead of superficial characteristics, what are the experiences we seek in relationships? The lesson on this level is about learning to embrace change from within. If we keep building on current fixations, our actions continue to be limited. Creating our experiences, we have something to share, transcending our personal needs. When we share ourselves without withholding, we attract partner candidates with more Aliveness. Moving beyond this level shows that we have clarity about our Intent and can use our energy comprehensively to get things done. We do not need to hold back on our expressions of interest (which creates missed opportunities). The most important thing about rejection (which everyone is repulsed by) is that it frees us to put our attention on the next potential partner. Since relationships are a mutual choice, it helps us to recognize that our unseen and unacknowledged differences are being expressed in every rejection; ultimately reducing pain. Rejection is short-term pain that minimizes the chances of life-long pain.

How we break out of unconscious conditioning is through Stillness. When we become Still within ourselves, the only thing moving is our conditioning, which we can clearly differentiate. In Stillness, we can see our programming. One example of this is how it reveals Imprinting, where we believe we need to do or say something to make ourselves look good or feel better. Every Imprint is a pattern where we copy a parent’s or other authority figure’s behavior in order to gain their approval or acceptance. The Desire is to convince them that we are something we are not. If we have a Visionary (Priest) Imprint, we always seek to see the best in any situation and attempt to share what we believe will make a difference for another individual. As soon as we drop into Stillness, our imprinting is experienced as sporadic impulses to gain attention and approval. In this situation, we want others to appreciate how committed we are to contributing to them, even if the process is imposed. If we are consciously engaging, we will see that our imprinted behavior is not being well received. Actually, most often we are unconscious about reactions to our Imprinting.

Stillness reveals our motivations and allows us to see the pressure we put ourselves (and others) through to gain approval. When in Stillness, we can watch our mind attempt to put everything into certain safe perspectives so we can act out these scenarios. Unfortunately, these disjointed perspectives are a combination of what we believe we need to do, contrasted with what we end up doing, creating erratic, ungrounded activities. Our incongruent reactions, paired with our projected fear of a negative response, are what indicate that we are in our conditioning. Our programming creates false anchors that become inaccurate Beliefs about how the world works. The more we engage Stillness in our Being and stop this programming, the more we can identify opportunities to engage others that are not based on predefined roles. It is like hitting the reset button to reboot our operating system.

Stillness allows us to focus on our Aliveness. Any time we get caught up in Excitement, we can use Stillness to neutralize our unconscious conditioning so Aliveness emerges. Since Excitement is based on Fears and unacknowledged Desires, getting into Stillness and owning our Fears and Desires promotes Aliveness. This Transmutation process allows us to see the inner and outer Beauty of our partners (as long as we are connected to our Authentic Creative Source). We develop and enhance this connection by bathing in the ongoing presence of Beauty, overcoming Inertia by adoring and admiring this experience with others. It is important to note that enhancing Aliveness is a mutual experience. It is a conscious reflection, with a partner, that grows Aliveness within us. This is the opposite of Objectification, where Beauty is egoically amplified by solitary wish fulfillment (Excitement).

When we connect in Beauty with others, allowing them to enrich our experience, Life energy prevails. This requires us to be consciously present with our Fears and Desires, declaring that our mutual desire for Beauty will unify us. It creates a bond where Cellular Affinity (physical resonance) comforts us. Cellular Affinity is where we unify our Fears and Desires on the Instinctive level, so we are no longer daunted by them. It permits us to breathe and synchronize with another without a lot of confusion or mixed messages. We are no longer talking to a stranger, but someone with whom we deeply resonate. Hopefully, it can be someone who does not reflect our parental patterns. Aliveness most easily shows up here. It is more freeing when we are with people who do not reinforce or stimulate our old Fears. This process of shifting outside of our comfort zone shows that we can re-program our conditioning to make better relationship choices. It eliminates boredom, as we learn how to constantly regenerate ourselves. It permits us to heal our parental-substitute attractions, deal with Fears, and accept ourselves without hiding or needing to deceive others about our interests.

One of the best reasons to use Stillness is so we can be more appropriate and engage our creative opportunities as they occur. It is a way to check in to see how smoothly we can get past self-limiting Beliefs or assumptions. The more we examine our programming, we discover it is about looking good, proving ourselves, and becoming an example for our children. We can see the impact of examining our programming most easily by how we attempt to change the ways we raise our children, trying to avoid our parents’ pitfalls. Since programming is primarily in reaction to what we liked or did not like as children, it operates from a lack of maturity (that we can now provide). Unfortunately, automatic programming operates without consulting us and, if not consciously overridden will act out inappropriately. Stillness is a way to consciously notice our assumptions, behaviors and habits so that we can ascertain if it is serving us. The more we recover and change our past declarations of Intent, the easier it will be to create the inner alignment we desire on the Instinctive level.

One way to make this shift is to practice placing your attention on a rose. Notice its Life energy, smell, and go into its core essence. Recognize how this experience affects your Feelings. Spend time going deeper until you reach beyond the experience and qualities and align with the core purpose of the rose. Sometimes we can feel the pulse of the plant, or even taste its life essence. Usually, this process will not have immediate effects unless you have unified your Sensations and Feelings. It may require five to ten minutes a day for seven months to bring this experience into clear focus. We have to gradually reorient ourselves to see the inner purpose of a person, place or thing by learning how to appreciate it in all circumstances. The more we can look at things with an enhanced set of possibilities, the more we tune into the inner light and energetic focus behind them. You will not pay as much attention to outer appearances, at the cost of the inner connection to all things. By connecting to yourself, you make it possible to connect to others without draining or burdening them. Otherwise, we can be unaware of the negative impact of our unconscious interactions.

The foundation of a CNG is always our energetic body. We need a sense of unity within before being able to create a CNG for ourselves or others. This means we have to have solved at least one of the dualities that represent each of these levels so we know what wholeness is. The more we are connected to ourselves, the more we can distinguish what is and what is not us. When we have experienced trauma, three critical connections are broken or ignored, causing us to deny our own experience. These three fields form the basis of our energetic experience. When they are damaged or out of alignment, we lack integrity. Commonly, this means that our energy dissipates faster than we can replenish it. As a result, others are able to easily manipulate or influence us. Our Life Energy connection is located in the Hara center, four inches below the belly button, which is the source of all our actions. We call this Life Energy ‘etheric’ because it universally spreads throughout the body to regulate and fulfill the body’s intent. Each part of our body has its own purpose and intent that helps fulfill the mission of maintaining our well-being. We experience this intent through Sensations and Feelings. It is also known as our kinesthetic awareness or energetic sense of presence.

Our Light Energy connection is the brow center, which is the source of connection between our brain and the energy field we know as our mind. Thoughts and Emotions occur at certain frequencies within our mind, allowing us to process and reflect on our experience. We impress Content patterns on our brain (creating memories and stories) supporting us to have a continuity of experience through time. Our Truth, constructed of our Thoughts and Emotions, becomes the primary agent in individuating ourselves. We would not understand how we are different from others without this experience. It is the creative power of our intellectual and emotional reality that helps us manifest possibilities. We are not only at the effect of circumstances around us, but by using creativity, we help define how we want to shape our experience.

Our Love Energy is the unity of Life and Light fields into a much larger container, which is commonly called our aura. Our hearts, being the most powerful bio-electric systems in our bodies, have the most impact in organizing and experiencing Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, Thoughts and Intuitions. Without this field, we would have limited ability to manifest our intentions in the world. Our Love Energy integrates us in our experience so that we can fully express ourselves. When we embody our ability to love ourselves, our Context expands. This supports greater inter-connectedness between our Life and Light energies enriching our experiences. When we talk about alignment, we are referring to using our hearts to sense deeper energetic flows so that our path becomes more clear.

To establish a CNG, we need at least one, semi-complete connection (either Life, Light or Love) to ourselves to act as a foundation. This is required as we need to be able to locate ourselves and our primary energetic field in space and time. When we are able to declare where we are, it is helpful to pull back all of the unconscious energetic links we have with others. Most Facades and Pretenses are ways we isolate from others so we do not have to directly interact with them. While it would be helpful to neutralize these unconscious patterns, it is more important initially, to build stronger connections within our Self. When we centralize our sense of self, we no longer need to live through others. It also supports building our own energetic field and defining our personal boundaries.

The quality of a CNG is a direct result of a person’s capability to be grounded. This means feeling comfortable mentally directing energetic fields, and using this ability to create separate spaces where disparate concepts, Emotions, Feelings and Sensations can be contained. When we begin to create a CNG, it initially takes some imagination. This imagination is an act of personal will. Just by declaring the possibility, we make it real because energy follows our Thoughts. When it comes to grounding ourselves, we need to be present with our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts (which we call SFET). When we become proficient at this level, we might want to add our Intuition to the list. For many people who have grown up in repressed families, some of these parts are not easily accessible. The Owning Our Experience class is the best way we teach people how to get in touch with these internal modalities.

A CNG begins with learning how to be present, which define as grounding ourselves in our own experience. One way to do this is to send an energetic link deep into the earth beneath our feet. This can help. Another method is to imagine a connection to our body through our Hara center, four inches below our navel. This can help access our Sensations and Feelings. Some people recommend focusing on a point behind our Third Eye, between the brows on the forehead. This is the source of our Truth, which reflects our Emotions and Thoughts. Of course, there is no better place to feel grounded than in our hearts, which reflects both the integration of our Feelings and our Emotions. If we do connect into these locations and have a process to anchor ourselves in our bodies, it will help us focus our Life, Light and Love energies into creating a CNG. It would also allow us, once we have this established, to implement it in a moment so that creating a CNG can be a seven second endeavor.

Check right now to determine which of your Life, Light, or Love energies is most prominent. Visualize using this energy to declare your existence in either your Hara, Brow, or Heart center. Do this by saying, “I am that I am.” Repeat this until it resonates within your center. Own that you exist and that your life has meaning, purpose, and function. Use your current strength to support other areas where you may not be as strong. If you wish, repeat, “I am that I am” in the other locations and see how they respond. Believe in your ability (by focusing your attention) to direct your consciousness to produce any result you wish to create.

The value of Aliveness is that we become less fearful and no longer take on the fears of others. We call this individuation process, particularly on a body level, learning to stand apart. The irony of learning to stand apart is that it is necessary to consciously stand together without co-dependence. One of the main fears of unconscious relationship is that our partner will pull us down or undermine our contributions. Until we demonstrate to ourselves that we cannot be compromised by others’ Fears and Desires, we are timid in our relationship aspiration. By bonding our Sensations and Feelings, it greatly reduces others ability of being able to compromise our physical well-being. It also makes us resilient to the negative influences of others who do not have a similar relationship to themselves. Most of our image fixations drop away and we become committed to acting in congruence to our life energy and intentions.

As we are becoming more conscious, we are developing a choice to honor our own Creative Nature. Our Beauty emerges when we become energetically Still and Self-observing. It breaks us out of conditioning so that we do not need to blindly ‘act’. It also alerts us to an expanded experience of being exactly where we need to be for a particular experience. We are capable of asking, “What is being called forth in this moment? How can we respond to what is needed in this moment?” rather than getting caught up in our Fears. If we choose Excitement over Aliveness, we will re-invoke our conditioning. If we hold out for the uncomfortable option, something will emerge that can change the course of our life. It is interesting to note that a part of us is strangely attracted to individuals who break out of their conditioning. Individuals that are balanced and present both in their sensations and feelings can show up and respond in any moment. This is our natural best choice.

to imagine a world that works for everyone, we would have to find better ways of interacting with each other. Particularly, we would have to stop judging others because they are different or because we dislike them in some way. We would also have to stop judging ourselves. We would have to recognize that many of our judgments come from historical, family associations (which is why they seem familiar to us). The compromises of our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents have a profound effect on our lives, especially if we have not discovered and owned our Authentic Creative Nature. Most unconscious associations are built up and passed down, generation to generation, in a way that discounts the current generation and compromises their ability to be themselves. Sadly, we continue the tradition when we reinforce past judgments that do not reflect a conscious choice on our part.

Physical bonding occurs by putting together our Sensations and Feelings into a central, experiential framework so we can express ourselves in a unified manner. When we acknowledge our wholeness, we begin the process of differentiating ourselves. We notice this occurring when we no longer attract individuals who only fill our emptiness and void. Of course, by being more balanced ourselves, we will repulse people who need a partner who is experiencing emptiness. When we attract others who are balanced, there is a greater possibility of physical bonding or Cellular Affinity. This feels like a sense of freedom mixed with calmness and an ability to relax so there is no need to perform for the partner. When we make this shift within us, our magnetic field changes so that old relationship choices no longer make sense. Instead, we find ourselves attracting new individuals that can meet us and are more available.

If we were operating on a higher level and wanted a deeper connection before we became sexual, it would take a couple of months to build a heart connection with the individual. This would allow us to determine the actual type of relationship that would be best for each other. Not pressuring the partner on a sexual level can also go a long way in building respect that most partners need before they want to be sexually intimate. Great sexuality only occurs if we can simultaneously be present to our Sensations and Feelings, and share them with our partner. In this situation, the key connective energy is Enthusiasm, not Excitement. Another indicator is if we have bonded over co-creative processes before we become sexual.

The key Skill we want to master in dealing with others different from us is to recognize whether they can meet us where we are. Recognizing differences allows us to have compassion for what we currently can do and what would be difficult. This means we have to accept our nature and the way we process experience in order to recognize when another person has a different, incompatible style. Since individuals have differences in availability in both their masculine and feminine side, this makes some interactions impossible. One way of recognizing this is how our masculine side empowers us to manifest Sensations and Thoughts, while the feminine side supports us in expressing our Feelings and Emotions. A person who is only able to express in the masculine Sensations and/or Thoughts will find it nearly impossible to effectively communicate with and understand someone who is only expressing in the feminine Feelings and/or Emotions.

The more we are able to develop both our masculine and feminine aspects, the more we will be able to interact and communicate with others, despite the availability and balance of their masculine and feminine qualities. We see examples of this with Communication Process differences. Another major area of conflict is in Defense Style differences that confuse us as to our own natural masculine and feminine embodiment. Ultimately, when we are conscious, we use our Primary, Secondary and Mental Body Expressions, along with their natural masculine and feminine aspects, to empower us to meet others wherever they are. The bottom line is that everyone has some combination of masculine and feminine, the greater the imbalance between the two, the more difficult communication and interactions become.

One way we make the shift to more conscious relationships is not to believe our own assumptions. This allows us to learn how to be attracted to individuals who can actually support us. The Transmutation that occurs is that we become balanced in our Sensations and Feelings, which enables us to effectively bond with our partners. When we are in Excitement, there is always an imbalance where their Feeling-focus counterbalances our Sensation-focus (or vice versa). In relationships with individuals who are strong in the same way we are strong and weak in the same way we are weak, we can work together to overcome our challenges, rather than isolating and comparing ourselves. We need to be more confident and love ourselves if we are to step into this possibility. If we can break our patterns by choosing similar-quality partners, it means we can energetically flow with them and interact without feeling drained (or compromised). It not only enlivens us, but attracts others who are balanced on these levels as well. This shift not only affects us energetically, but also allows us to consider and engage long-term affiliations.

When we are free to own and express our Feelings and Sensations, we are Alive!  The lack of Objectification means we are no longer biologically driven to procreate. We no longer count on a partner’s Imprinting to give us the edge in making an impression on them. This opens the door to making free choices about what works for us. Otherwise, we continue to look for parental substitutes and become more desperate with each disappointment. What would it be like is we were not driven by unconscious conditioning? One of the first steps to becoming conscious about our ‘type’ is to have a Creative Assessment done of our past relationships. This offers a template of the patterns that are guaranteed to compromise our connection with our partners and ourselves. We want to avoid parental choices. While it is uncomfortable to explore relationships outside of our unconscious parental patterns, it increases the odds of a successful, long-term relationship at least threefold.

Going back to the metaphor that CNG is an operating system and, by extension, the vehicle is the shared CNG space, we can see that we want to open ourselves up to new experiences. It is as if one day we wake up and discover that our vehicle may not have been an automobile at all, but actually has wings that when we reach a certain velocity allows us to leave the ground! The irony is that our wings were always there; we just never noticed. What enables us to take ownership of our vehicle’s full potential is the recognition that our Creative Nature can manifest whatever we intend. This Intent sets in motion the ability to distinguish our space from our partner’s, which, paradoxically, enables us to experience both our space and the shared mutual space without being compromised. In relationships we learn that we do not need to be lonely anymore, because there is a part of us that is always connected.

Instead of being rigid, we can find the freedom to speak about our actions in a more unified and uncompromised way. This occurs because we no longer view ourselves as a product of the past; instead, we are an evolving Creative Being who can take new actions and go in new directions. We learn that we are someone with deeper substance and do not need to rely on appearances to get what we want. To accomplish this, we choose to let go of our conditioning by purposely doing random things that do not feel safe. It starts with using Stillness to observe how our conditioning wants us to take actions that seem safe but are not. By upsetting our automatic conditioning framework, we begin to question our assumptions and build an inner capacity to listen to our body (and thus, our Sensations).

By taking charge of our Intent, we create a space where we dictate our own actions. We become clear about how past motivations minimized our choices. This capacity to connect to our Intent helps us to establish a CNG where we can be self-reflective about our deeds. The more we invest in our own Stillness, the deeper we go into weeding out our unconscious motivations. In short, we become clear about the cost of synchronizing (or merging) ourselves with others. Breaking out of the herd mentality is also stimulating—others can break out as well. One of the best examples of clarifying unconscious patterns is being able to say ‘no’ to a partner who represents our instinctive Attractions. Shifting from Excitement to Aliveness allows us to affirm that we have a choice and no longer need to be at the effect of others.

By interrupting the feedback mechanism that keeps us stuck in reactive ways of being, we learn that our Thoughts are not what define us. We start to realize we are not a product of our Thoughts, which means we can think outside the box of the persona we have created to maintain our Safety. By breaking the rigid familiarity of how we think about ourselves, the door opens for us to question what is important. Otherwise, we go through the motions and take actions that reinforce our old thinking.

Intent allows us to step beyond superficial role-playing. If we are not able to clarify our Intent, we become trapped in Inertia, where repetitive, conditioned actions put us in a sleepwalking state. We need to create a CNG so we can see that our actions have meaning and purpose in life. We need to be able to see ourselves in terms of our actions. The more we take responsibility for these actions and become conscious of their consequences, the more powerfully we can connect to others. By taking action, we bring authentic Life energy to the fore. Understanding the range of Motives is one way of waking up to higher possibilities. The chart showing the four levels of Motives and the dimensions of masculine, feminine and integrated modalities provides guidance about the expected outcomes when we operate from one set of Motives instead of another. This is why Act-First or Act-Second Communication Process individuals, and Primary and Secondary Implementers (Warriors), have an easier time embracing this first step. They are able to directly choose a Motive and act in alignment with that Motive without second-guessing themselves.

When we choose partners who reflect aspects of our parents, it creates a false perception of Safety. Until we break out of our Safety conditioning by making different choices, we will continue to seek Safety in our partners. Along the way, while we can avoid compromise, we cannot avoid all rejection. Rejection is simply a sign that we are with people who do not see or appreciate us. It is our best opportunity to move on! We want our partners to share their Truth when something does not work to avoid staying with people not ready to invest in our mutual growth. Aliveness, vibrancy and energetic sensitivity open us up to making better long-term choices. CNG allows us to hold the experiences of others outside our personal space so we do not have to take on their issues. It helps us to think beyond the Safety assumptions that we think will not pan out.

The final transition out of this stage (Instinctive level) comes when we shift to being able to see the inner Beauty of individuals rather than focusing on their outer Beauty. Seeing inner Beauty (such as Aliveness, openness, receptivity, curiosity, uniqueness, humor, etc.) becomes the our eternal framework of appreciation. This is more authentic and real than outer, transitory appearances. We need to investigate and determine what actually brings out the best in us rather than accepting that outer Beauty Attractions will make up for our oversights. Until this time, our inability to be present with either our Sensations or Feelings creates short-circuits in our internal wiring; we operate in addictive patterns needing others to provide what we deny ourselves.

p> We become attached to Beauty but are unable to accept it in ourselves. This is why people attempt to earn, buy or possess Beauty. To the addicted, there are no limits. When we open this circuitry and can be present with our Sensations and Feelings simultaneously, it frees us from the fixation that we need to have Instinctive stimulation from a partner. Instead of Excitement, we learn to generate our own internal Aliveness. We become intentional and committed to the process of Self- discovery and what actually works. This opens us up to choosing partners outside of our parental choice framework. Many new partner choices will now show up that we ignored in the past because of our previous addictive Excitement criteria.

Seth Meyers, Psy.D in his article, “4 Rules for Surviving Dating: How To Find Lasting Love” on PsychologyToday.com points out that we cannot talk about our partner as The One until we have had months of experience with them. Otherwise, expectations set in and we are at the effect of our past comparison programs. Secondly, it is important not to jump into bed too quickly. He says that we have to find out if we are emotionally compatible before finding out about our physical compatibility. Third, that we should not even plan to introduce them to our family until we have had a month of dating with no red flags. Finally, he recommends stating affirmations that bring us back into connection with ourselves so that we do not attempt to define ourselves in terms of our partner’s expectations, needs or desires. Higher Alignment has the same guidelines, plus many more regarding who to choose and why they would be good for you. These are presented in our Enlightened Dating Program.

In summary, Excitement is where we know we are not safe, but pursue certain activities because of the Desire for pleasure. Attachments amplify Excitement because we are always afraid we will lose something we currently have. In relationships (on the Instinctive level) we are always seeking a better parental connection. We instinctively believe Excitement is the antidote to the pain of our childhood, when actually, it only amplifies it. We unconsciously need to believe that things can get better or all the pain of our past will resurface. The pursuit of Excitement is solitary and fixated on fulfilling our Desires without paying attention to the Desires of others. The fear of missing out on an opportunity becomes the impetus to engage life, even when painful. On the Instinctive level, we gain experience by pushing ourselves into the unknown, hoping we learn how to survive in the process.

The dilemma is that our biological programming to procreate guarantees the unsafe actions we take, producing genealogical diversity. As a reward, we have a momentary experience of pleasure without the communion we actually seek. This unresolved tension is due to a lack of Creative Alignment or a heart-to-heart connection. It is a superficial experience based on fiction that our partners accept and care about us. While they may want to care, Imprinting and Objectification patterns stand in way.  The more we fixate on changing our partner into the person of our dreams, the less we invest in creating an authentic relationship that works. Creating the ‘person of our dreams’ is based on the belief that our Gender Identity is the core identifier of our value. It promotes an Illusion that all differences can be ascribed to masculine or feminine gender identity. With these associations, it is no wonder we have such a limited view of the many levels of our Creative Nature. Until we shift from programmed Attractions to conscious Attractions, based on affirming our inner growth, we will keep acting out these hit-or-miss attempts at connection.

When we search for acceptance and no longer need outer Beauty to confirm our Attractions in terms of appearances, we are free to have quality relationships. Opening our perceptions to include energetic qualities of Beauty reduces our fixation on outer physical characteristics. More importantly, it reveals inconsistencies between our beliefs about what physical characteristics mean to us versus what they actually represent. This dissonance drains our energy, yet we are typically unconscious about the effect. Biological programming guarantees genetic diversity in the human race, but it does not make for great relationships. A more conscious perspective would be to look deeply at our relationship choices to determine what each relationship contributes to us. What is the quality of the connection rather than its outer appearance? A great relationship does not change their physical attractiveness or repulse and us when someone grows older; rather, it allows us to deepen into appreciation for their inherent qualities and nature.

CNG empowers expanding our experiential framework to include all the senses so that Aliveness and Beauty become centralizing principles that restore inner balance. Wherever we are in denial of any aspect of our Aliveness or Beauty, our reality is incomplete and diminished. Without realizing it, the limitation of our parents to see and make choices on their own has affected our ability to choose appropriately for ourselves. As a result, we choose variations of our parents, inaccurately thinking this will lead to Safe choices. One way out of this pattern is to cease judging, this challenges our assumptions and expands our experience-base to see the full range of opportunities. For many of us this will require going beyond self-imposed rules that deal with ugliness and Fear. The surprising result will be that we see others for their wholeness, allowing us to choose Life.

Case Study 1: Transmuting Excitement Into Aliveness

Daryl and Audrey met while they were on a trip in Europe. Audrey felt no sexual chemistry but she did feel more Alive around Daryl. She was intrigued because, while he did not meet her idea of someone she would normally be with, she found herself doing more and more things with him. Daryl interpreted her interest as romantic. He found her delightful, creative and unpredictable. He felt that around her, unexpected things would happen—and they did. He felt that his familiarity with her would soon be her experience as well. (Note: She fit his mother’s pattern, which created Excitement. She was also the perfect person to project his needs onto). He liked the sense of possibilities and the fact that she could be spontaneous and free with him. This was in contrast to his own experience (with his mother) where he felt he had to live up to her requirements. Audrey was drawn to the activities they shared, which were fun and playful. In some way, he brought out a side of her she had not had much experienced with. One thing they both agreed on was that being together was not boring.

As the relationship developed, Audrey felt pressure to define the relationship more clearly. Daryl’s Expectations and Romantic Mythology increasingly became a part of their interactions. She was afraid he was falling for her, while she did not experience a romantic interest. (Note: Her father was not like him at all. Even though she intrigued him, she didn’t feel the Excitement about him that she wanted). While he heard what she said, it did not really worry Daryl. This is because he trusted that the way they were coming together was a more important indicator of her interest than her actual words. Daryl had been in several relationships where there had been no clarity about the type of relationship they were having. However, he felt confident that the relationship would reveal itself if only he remained positive. The thing that constantly reinforced this was the fun activities and how they got along so well, especially when possibilities were undefined. After three weeks of touring Europe together, Daryl came back to his home and business in Denver, with Audrey promising to call him from her home in Boulder.

When Daryl did not hear from Audrey after two weeks, he called her. He felt disappointed when he could not seem to establish a connection with her after several days. On her part, Audrey was not purposely avoiding Daryl but she did not want him to assume that it was going to be the same as in Europe. She also needed time to process her experience with Daryl to determine what she wanted from the connection. For his part, Daryl was starting to doubt he would ever see her again, when she finally returned his call. She proposed that they be friends and meet occasionally to do activities of common interest. Daryl responded by trying to establish a time when they could get together and talk about what they would like to do. Audrey suggested a time but then called him back to change both the time and place.

Individuals are instinctively attracted to their parental patterns, confirmed by the presence of Excitement. These are addictive patterns emphasizing that we need others to complete our experience. These unconscious Attractions reflect where we do not feel seen by our parents, which drives us to look for someone who will see us. We imagine, initially in the relationship, that these people are our saviors, because we believe they can heal us. Over time, this belief creates a pressure to compromise ourselves to keep them around. Until we shift this pattern to an individual who is not a parental pattern, we are not even sure (aware) that we are losing ourselves in these relationships. When we choose Aliveness over Excitement, it opens us up to eliminate caretaking and determines if the relationship is really good for us or not. Otherwise, we keep choosing relationships that compromise us and then feel resentful about it.

Daryl becomes caught up in his ideas of how he can make an impact on Audrey. This places him at the effect of her. Audrey, on the other hand, wants to keep Daryl around to soothe her feelings of loneliness, but does not want any form of commitment. Men wanting more from her than she wants to give have compromised her in the past. She has also been at the effect of Romantic Mythology, where a man falls in love with the idea of her, but does not have an ability to connect with her in real ways. Until she can stand alone, she is also at the effect of Daryl. She only sees herself involved with him as long as there is Aliveness and the commitment to having fun. The more it becomes clear that there are huge differences about how this would work out in real time, the more disheartened they both become. This is because as long as the relationship is new and people are free to act, an Instinctive relationship can hold together. As long as the relationship is easy and does not require any external structure (as it was in Europe) it can work quite well. The problem is when Expectations become the norm; it drains life energy out of the relationship and ultimately the relationship tends to fall apart. Now that there is more geographic separation and they have different ideas about how to proceed, chaos prevails. In this story, Audrey has made a transition out of Level 1 (if she can tell her truth, despite her Fears), while Daryl is still captured by Level 1 issues (Excitement vs. Aliveness).

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