Instinctive Skills

Gender Identity Skills

Accepting our being on a conscious level means looking beneath appearances. Superficially, we may be male or female. To believe ourselves as limited to the role of male or female is to deny our higher creative nature. We are both masculine and feminine energies. It is important to recognize that attraction is not just based on appearances but rather on quality of being. The more we are aligned in our creative being, the more our natural charisma shines forth. This charisma arises from the Aliveness, Wisdom, and awareness that come from being a conscious, growing individual.

The less we are in touch with this higher level of energy, the more we depend upon our strength, our innocence, or our desire for growth to convince others that we are what they need. To amplify this lower energy effect, we try to maximize their perception of our intelligence, our sexiness, or our consistency, while pursuing them to be in a relationship. The more we do not know who we are, the more we unconsciously need others to excite us. They accomplish this by fitting our picture of what we most fantasize about.

When we are attached to our appearances and believe our attraction comes from our appearances, we end up denying our inner knowing and learning process. In effect, we become objects that we are trying to sell or, at least, try to make a good deal with. Ideally, what we are trying to prove on the gender identity level is that we are attractive and desired by the sex of our choosing. The more we doubt that, the less confidence we have in our life that we will be with people that want us. What is not attractive is a partner losing himself or herself in role-playing, believing in appearances over substance, and needing us to make them feel better. It is also not attractive for us to be positional and unable to grow and evolve in the relationship. The more fixated our partners are in needing to be right, the more adaptive we need to be. Is this fun?

What actually makes us attractive is our presence, which is enhanced by our energy, general intelligence and ability to grow and adapt to new situations. The three deeper skills that really support us in coming out and being all that we can be are: Aliveness, Wisdom and Growth. With these three, we don’t define ourselves in terms of our packaging or appearances, but see ourselves as vibrant, open and evolving partners. Each individual is more than their Gender Identity, for everyone has and develops both masculine and feminine expressions. Unfortunately, we become identified with one, which we use to define our attractiveness.

We transcend our gender identity skills when we realize that we are attractive, but not in the ways commonly understood by society. Eventually, we realize that any involvement in building our image on a gender identity level with others is counter-productive and ends up attracting others who need us more than we need them. To get to this point, we need to realize that a lot of what is considered sexy, beautiful and entrancing is mostly made up.

Excitement is the primary indicator that we are objectifying our self and others. The more we objectify ourselves in terms of our Sexiness, Smartness or Reliability, the more we are caught up in Gender Identity roles. For men, we typically get admired and prove our value by speaking our Truth and acting in Alignment with it. For women, we typically are adored to the degree we can be intimate, receptive and appreciative of the contributions of others. While these roles may provide a sense of Safety, this Safety comes at the cost of compromising ourselves to gain the approval of others.

Fortunately, we can be blissfully ignorant of these lessons as long as we are with individuals who are caught in the same lessons. The best way to become Conscious of this process is to act out our Fears and attachments deliberately, so we can see the cost of operating in this manner. We learn that Excitement is necessary to distract us from the boredom of our self-denial. We discover that outer attractions cover up large insecurities that consistently drain our Life Energy. It becomes apparent that our conditioning not only keeps us from seeing the larger picture, but also protects us from completely losing ourselves in the worst cast scenarios (e.g., abusive relationships in childhood).

The Unconscious Objectification of our Personality Self (self image) limits our capacity to see how we have caricatured others and ourselves. It is difficult to accept that the way we judge others is directly applied to ourselves subconsciously, and self-criticism is the result. This can be validated by the degree we need to correct others when we see a mistake being made. This pattern reflects that when we get tired of beating up our Personality Self, we frequently divert our Attention to others who we believe need our guidance. To heal these Objectifications, we need to step outside of our comfort zones and realize we can create the reality that anyone can become attractive to us, particularly if they can Consciously and creatively engage us. Ironically, most fixed role attractions are part of our training and not an actual response to our circumstances. The best example of this is our unexamined attraction to individuals who reflect the Imprinting of our opposite gender parent. These individuals reflect how we Unconsciously seek to be acknowledged or seen, which can automatically trigger caretaking responses where we seek to demonstrate our ability to Love.

Skill 1: Aliveness (Honors Order, Masculine Mastery)

Honoring our aliveness requires that we push through our fears and begin to see that we can affect the world. It focuses us in expressing our masculine side, which seeks to bring order to our understanding and direction to our movement. Our masculine side looks for places to leverage our strengths in order to get the most done with the least effort. The opposite of aliveness is excitement, where we lose ourselves in our internal imagination and fantasies and don’t actualize ourselves in the real world. Aliveness represents the initiating pleasure of building gender identity skills. This means that it inspires order and represents the development of mastery in embodying our will to live.

There are three positions that keep us from being able to own and embody our aliveness. They are: 1) denying excitement by not getting hooked by others (the Distant position); 2) using excitement by hooking others into our desires (the Dynamic position); or 3) losing our self in excitement by always engaging the fantasy first (the Disarming position). The Distant way of denying aliveness is to deny excitement so we can’t get into trouble. In this position, we are very careful, selective, and hide our fantasies from our

partner for fear we may repel them. The Dynamic way of denying aliveness is to use excitement to make others need us more than we need them. In this situation, we always keep our level of excitement slightly less than their level, so we are not hurt if they pull away. The Disarming way of denying aliveness is to lose ourselves in excitement by sharing our excitement as a way of getting agreement from others that things are really as good as we think they are. Unfortunately, being lost in excitement does not help us honor our Aliveness because we don’t even know our truth.

The Aliveness lesson is concerned with how we distract ourselves from paying attention to what is in front of us by getting into our fantasies about how others will transform us through their love. The amount of excitement we feel in a relationship indicates how much we believe that the relationship will heal our unresolved parental issues. Since excitement is used to neutralize the fear of rejection, it keeps both persons from being truly present, limiting our natural expression of Aliveness As a result, we fall in love with the idea of being healed, accepted, adored, or admired. Ironically, when we do this, we end up associating love with being excited, not with being present. This, unfortunately, reinforces the belief in scarcity of love and that love is external to us, not within us. Through Aliveness, love comes from within us and is abundant.

Aliveness requires turning excitement into action by building a sense of presence on a physical level. The more we can tell our truth and be present with others when they are present with us, the greater our Aliveness. This directs us into conscious sexuality rather than unconscious sexuality based on excitement. In unconscious sexuality, we are defined by our fantasies of each other and cannot really be with each other. With conscious sexuality, we can be connected in ways that are more physically embodied, allowing us to transform our connection into a more integrated experience. With this kind of embodiment, we don’t feel the need to prove ourselves or to seek outward affirmation about our attractiveness. Only people that are insecure on this level and don’t know their truth need to do this.

Skill 2: Wisdom(Honors Wisdom, Feminine Mastery)

Honoring our Wisdom requires that we accept ourselves as intuitive, creative spiritual beings. The opposite of Wisdom is intensity. With intensity we believe that we have to protect others and ourselves from their own self-sabotage. Wisdom is the natural expression of our feminine side, which allows us to go beyond the outer practical world so we may sense higher currents and insights to shorten our path. It is our feminine receptive nature that sees the usefulness and perfection in everything that occurs. Wisdom is the second step of the gender identity skills building process. This means that it requires embodiment on an inward level, rather than Aliveness (which requires engagement on an outer level). Wisdom also honors chaos in that it opens up possibilities representing an embodiment of feminine mystery.

Engaging Wisdom allows us to see the perfection and beauty of everything as it is. There are three ways we take positions so that intensity supersedes Wisdom: 1) we can deny wisdom by denying intensity when we try to avoid confrontation with everything (the Distant position); 2) we can lose ourselves in intensity, becoming argumentative and confrontational whenever situations don’t go our way (the Dynamic position); or 3) we could use intensity by using it as a weapon to lock others into agreement with us by wearing them down, which is the Disarming perspective.

The Distant perspective of denying Wisdom is to ignore it as much as possible, because to know about certain things makes us more accountable to doing something different. Therefore, Distant individuals keep from engaging our deeper truths so we won’t have to do more in our life. The Dynamic individuals deny wisdom by losing ourselves in intensity, effectively smothering wisdom to death. Our arguments and confrontation of others is really a façade, because most of the time we don’t want to engage like this. Therefore, we don’t trust Wisdom to be there when we need it. The Disarming perspective of threatening to use intensity and make others angry is a tactical use of intensity when our Wisdom isn’t working. While we like Wisdom, we don’t believe that other people are open to it. Feeling at the effect of the situation justifies our use of intensity.

The Wisdom lesson is concerned with how we take everything personally and become attached to our positions, trying to use our intellect when we should be using our intuition. The amount of intensity we feel in a relationship indicates how much we believe we need the other person to guarantee our success. Since intensity is used to neutralize our desire for others, it becomes critical that we build up their desire for us. We want them to want us more than we want or need them. Ironically, we start to associate intensity with love because we see how much the other person is willing to compromise for us. We figure that it must be love if they are willing to endure all that sacrifice. Unfortunately, the more intensity there is, the more polarized and defensive we become in the relationship.

Wisdom helps us to expand our options spiritually. With Wisdom comes an inner beauty where individuals are completely accepting of themselves and others as things are. Wisdom is fully appreciated when our emotional truth is not only appreciated, but also used as a resource to access our intuitive knowing. While in our society we have always seen the feminine side as the one with Wisdom, more and more men are currently engaging the Wisdom process. We build our knowing by turning intensity into Wisdom and embracing whatever is opposing us so that we can come to know and see it for what it is. The power of Wisdom is to embrace and engage things from all points of view. The more we embody Wisdom, the more we begin to see the natural order of the universe and accept its laws.

Skill 3: Growth (Honors Evolution, Engages Change)

Honoring our growth means accepting that, rather than being victims of a random world, we are co-creators of our world, able to map and choose our own destiny. Growth is the opposite of inertia. Inertia is where we feel caught by our attachments and positions, not able to see a way out. For many of us, the inertia process starts by trying to gain acceptance from other people by doing what they want. Unfortunately, by trying to take care of other people, we end up losing ourselves in their world. The more we define ourselves in terms of others, the more we set ourselves up to be limited by the Growth of others. How we break free is to define ourselves as a conscious creative being who naturally embraces growth. Growth is the third (self-expression) step in the Gender Identity skills development process. By taking a stand for conscious Growth in our lives, we begin attracting new possibilities to it.

The Growth lesson comprises learning to identify authentically what is our own course of action where we do not compromise ourselves or others. The amount of inertia we feel in a relationship indicates the degree to which we have not taken responsibility for the Growth of the relationship nor our personal growth. We commonly experience inertia as a break in personal and relationship growth, resulting in the suppression of exploration and examination of opportunities in front of us. Ironically, we associate inertia with stability and protection of our individual selves and of others. This inertia creates a fear of change, which prevents further Growth.

Engaging conscious Growth allows us to choose in which way we want to expand ourselves. The more conscious Growth we do, the less we attract unconscious reactive growth. There are three ways we take positions so that conscious growth is minimized in out life: 1) we can deny growth by taking a position for unconscious growth where we are disconnected from ourselves (the Distant position); 2) we can lose ourselves in an outward, over-directed growth process where we build structure around us to protect ourselves from the wrong kinds of growth (the Dynamic position); 3) we can use growth by emphasizing its unpredictability, therefore accepting it as an undirected force in the world, increasing our inward unstructured approach to it (the Disarming position).

The Distant way of dealing with Growth is to deny it, which disconnects us from our ability to see Growth inwardly or outwardly. Instead, we become fearful of change and try to minimize our need to change in all possible circumstances. The Dynamic way of dealing with Growth is to focus externally to create security structures that will protect us should things change. In so doing, we cut ourselves off from any inward focus or sense of ownership about Growth. The Disarming approach to Growth is to try to be more adaptable inwardly so that it doesn’t affect us that much outwardly. In this situation, we act as if Growth means nothing to us, and is just a normal part of our evolution, when in fact it is affecting us more than we acknowledge.

Personal Growth is the key to breaking out of the inertia of role-playing. Discovering our deeper nature and operational patterning allows us to release ourselves from the imprinting and expectations of others. The confining nature of these boxes not only limits our freedom, but also reduces self-esteem and self respect by setting up the belief that we need this protection to survive. The payoff is a superficial (external) feeling of safety and security.

Deconstructing these patterns reveals three reasons why we may want to re-evaluate the use of defenses. The first asks us to recognize that defenses only protect us from what we feared earlier in life, which may not be as important to us now. The second asks us to recognize that our skills are now more refined, allowing us to deal with many more issues without having to resort to defenses. The last asks us to recognize the limited effectiveness of defenses in protecting us from what we fear. The bottom line is that our fears and reactive responses both over emphasize the problem and under-deliver on any solution.

With reflection and awareness about the true nature of defenses we can eventually acknowledge that they actually inhibit discovering who we really are. Instead, our fears from childhood and instinctive learning patterns prevent us from ever honestly examining how we present ourselves to the world. Typically, most do not look beyond superficial appearances, accepting hopelessness and confusion as their destiny. Recognizing the early compromises that were made to gain the acceptance of others is the first test of our ability to use this skills-building process effectively.

When we accept our true essential way of being, natural motivation increases (and the degree we self-sabotage decreases) dramatically. This is due to the level of inner conflict present in our confusion about who we are. To a large degree, the ways we try to be accepted by others are actually the same reactive, mirror image concerns of how we are afraid to be unfairly judged, put in a box or labeled by others. This is how we become convinced of the need to create our own prisons, rather than letting others do it in ways that are less desirable to us.

All attempts to ”be someone” arose from personal history, where we compromised ourselves by trying to be who others wanted us to be. The paradox is that the more we try to “be someone” the more ordinary we are. The more we accept our ordinary humanity, the more extraordinary we are. Our conditioning trains us to believe that we have to be different than who we are to be great. This desire for acceptance trained us to do things we didn’t want to do and to smile while doing them. The first objective of recovering our ability to consciously grow is to separate who we are from who we believe we are. In other words, we distinguish who we are, naturally, without effort, from what we do to convince others who we are. Unconscious growth arises from accepting and imitating the behavior of others. Imprinting received from parents provides the primary patterning that should first be investigated, identified and freed internally through disassociation and disaffiliation.

Typically, we learn to do things to be admired or adored. This represents the second step, where we got reinforced for doing things the way others have done them before. These ways of developing our image are learned, and do not represent natural qualities of Being. The third source of confusion comes from our acceptance (or lack of) in society, which is usually related to the job or role we perform. This is the third form of self-identification that can cover up who we really are. If we are in a job we do not love, then this is an indication that we need to examine our compatibility factors to discover what we naturally love to do that is in alignment with our true contributions. When we know who we are, it is easy to become effective at growing consciously.

Each of these three skills provides an opportunity to examine our true Gender Identity. We become more conscious when we discover which patterns of behavior best describe our process but evoke little or no reaction. Reactive behavior with others indicates that we are playing out a learned pattern from the past that compromised our Autonomy or diminished our spirit. In fact, any intensity about a way of behaving indicates a zone of confusion. The objective is to find out what our truth is. When we find it, there will be no reaction, effort or intensity. Instead of pride, fear or anxiety, identifying the appropriate pattern will generate feelings of clarity, serenity and calm.

The breakthrough that leads to self-acceptance can occur through reading this material, but it is more likely to happen when we consciously seek to explain our unconscious, entangled behaviors. The more we seek to identify our behaviors without getting hung up on judging them, initially, the more successful we will be. Reflection on these effects can explain many issues that are puzzling to us. Usually, we cannot see our inconsistencies because our defenses hide our disconnection to others and ourselves. This process can lead to accepting ourselves more fully by appreciating how we—with Physical Discernment and Intuitive Discrimination—can elevate and enhance the experience of others around us. This is because every skill applied has a positive or negative effect. The more we understand our behaviors the more Autonomy and self-determination we will experience. Confidence will replace confusion. The ability to act true to our natures will be restored.

Developing Interpersonal Growth starts with the premise that we don’t need to get entangled in the issues of others. The opportunity to separate their issues from ours can best be accomplished by holding a Common Neutral Ground. By identifying the interpersonal patterns of others—especially where we seem to dislike someone without knowing why—we can use the skills-building process to confirm our reactive factors, and sometimes our true or imprinted compatibility factors. With awareness, every compatibility factor can help—not hinder—the relationship rapport. This process begins by experiencing what is possible around others who have mastered these skills or by finding naturally aligned partners of our own. The Wisdom that arises from practicing these distinctions comes from learning new ways to relate to others. The result is greater intimacy, alignment and understanding of relationship dynamics.

Transpersonal Growth occurs when we know how to dance with others and their problems without getting entangled. The more we are conscious of how we operate, the less important, identified and attached we are to the behaviors. The more we are around others who are conscious of these skills; the less concerned we are about how they view or judge our behavior. The result, paradoxically, is greater freedom in self-expression and greater understanding of who we really are (in others’ eyes). By detaching ourselves from habitually patterned methods of expression (as represented by our compatibility factors) and re-attaching self-identity we are able to grow effectively.

As a result, we can operate with a greater range and flexibility each day. Our enthusiasm for life and living expands as we discover a deeper passion that lies within. Another irony is that the more we honor our autonomy, the greater the ability to become interdependent. This is true because consciousness grows only through self-determined choices. Any coercion, seduction or force diminishes consciousness and self-awareness.

All the Self Expression Skills are about making individual choices where we can work or not work with others. The Self Expression Skills are Growth, Autonomy, Intimacy and Co-Creativity. In each of these it is our presence that invites others to participate. Each stage of awareness is enhanced when inner alignment begins to reflect in our outer relationships. We will be able to confirm that we are on the right path by our expanding ability to maintain a calm, clear, and energetic inner space despite external disturbances. Another guideline is the increasing ability to define ourselves in terms of a life purpose, where we create a more direct and personal path to finding our own pacing and rhythm.

Expanding and Unifying Our Intentions Beyond Gender

We are trapped in the world of Gender Identity as long as we resist the lessons of Gender Identity attractions. In this Instinctive world we are learning to recognize the animal nature in all of us. As long as we use our conditioning to distance ourselves from our Instinctive urges, we are trapped in objectifications about our physical form. The paradox of this process is that we have to own our animal nature in order for this energy to be uplifted into a higher creative expression. What we are learning at this level is to honor our passion so we are better able to engage the mysteries of the world. The more we fall into role-playing behavior that does not bring Aliveness or deeper Wisdom to the process, the less we unable to release the primal creative energies within our Self. Unfortunately, we have been taught to fear our animalistic side because it is unpredictable and not “civilized.” It is interesting to notice that many of the so-called “uncontrollable primal emotions” are actually a desire to connect with each other that has been previously denied.

Some of our most primal emotions reflect the Instinctive motives of Lust, Arrogance, and Greed. Each of these reflects an incredible degree of insecurity, where we are unconsciously seeking what we need without true understanding of who or where we are. Lust is the desire to connect with others physically when we are not able to connect physically to ourselves. Greed is the desire to connect to things, even when we have no use for them, because we do not know how to safely connect to people. As a result, we seek the Security of planning and ‘objectifying’ our life. When we define our Self in terms of things, we do not have to be emotionally present with ourselves. For example, we want a nice car so we can feel good about having it, because we do not feel good about being our Self. Arrogance is the desire to prove to others our Intellectual cleverness when we are not able to honor our own thought processes. We exaggerate our importance and how much we know in order to reassure ourselves that we can make a contribution to others. Individuals caught up in Arrogance doubt their own self-worth and need their stories to make their life seem less empty. All of these are Gender Identity lessons.

When we speak of Gender Identity, we are merely saying that on a physical level we are either male or female. However, we can possess different masculine or feminine attributes that do not line up with our Gender Identity. Many individuals in our society are frustrated with being labeled a ‘man’ or a ‘woman,’ which the existing society defines as operating in certain predictable ways. It is ironic that our projections about being a man or a woman are so fixed in an age where there is so much change! Most individuals are trying to free themselves from this baggage by demonstrating that they can develop and become whatever values and qualities they desire. For example, we might say that Greed reflects the feminine side of us and Arrogance reflects the masculine side of us, while Lust is something that we all share. In traditional times this may have been true, but currently, it is important to realize that many men are caught up in issues of Greed, and many women are caught up in issues of Arrogance.

Our Gender Identity, therefore, is merely an outer representation that no longer reflects a fixed truth about who we are as males or females. Individuals like John Gray have helped to popularize our Instinctive Identity frameworks by illustrating Gender Identity differences. This of course has provoked a large backlash because people no longer want to be defined in such simplistic terms as “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” However, we are not denying the obvious value this has for people who are trying to understand themselves in more traditional terms. One of the benefits of John Gray’s work is allowing people to examine their truth on a Gender Identity level. Being able to distinguish our truth from past assumptions is a tremendous gift. Many of our beliefs about who we are as a man or woman have been passed down from our ancestors. Until we re-evaluate these beliefs for ourselves, we are at the affect of a large number of unquestioned assumptions.

Ironically, Gender Identity lessons are hard to learn if we are unwilling to accept the attractions of others at face value. The paradox is that we need to experience Gender Identity attractions before we can transcend them. Initially, we may not feel attracted to the opposite sex if we do not experience others being entranced with our outer appearance. When we do get positive feedback, it is easy to perceive the attraction of others to us as a power over them. While this can lead to the eventual acceptance of Aliveness and Wisdom as the motivating force behind Gender Identity skills, it is also a trap where we begin to think who we are is just our physical form. The more we encourage others to objectify us in order to increase our influence over them, the more we are relying on appearances to define our possibilities, rather than seeing ourselves as creative beings. Many individuals become enamored when they are youthful with their power to manipulate others on physical attraction levels. The problem is that eventually this outer beauty or handsomeness diminishes, leaving us in a situation where we have not developed ourselves internally, and therefore become extremely insecure about our value to others.

Even looking at the true biological differences does not actually mean as much as we might imagine. The more we project differences on each other, the less we can actually work effectively to support each other. For example, fixating on women’s capacity to have a larger sexual appetite just makes men feel more insecure. When men feel insecure, they believe they have to prove themselves by having sex with a greater variety of women, which of course makes women feel more insecure. These kinds of differences only increases existing gender animosity, which keeps us separated. The more unsuccessful relationships we have with our partners, the more we tend to demand certain ways of connecting that reflect the wounding and denial of our past relationships. Over time, we justify our beliefs about what we need because of our past experiences and our inability to see our real Self as whole and complete. We need to find new ways to transcend outer differences and recalibrate ourselves to our own Truth, which makes us feel Alive. In this way, we encourage conscious creative interactions over unconscious sexual role-playing.

On the Instinctive level women have been taught to use others desire to objectify them to build their Gender Identity power. Many women grow up with three relationships to being objectified. They either resist but still use it, or use it and enjoy it or deny it or distance themselves from it. Based on how useful they believe it will be they encourage the perception in others based on their outer attractiveness if it could give them an advantage. The opposite of being objectified is to be made the subject of some expected action or direction. The opposite of objectification is ‘subjectification” because it establishes a framework for some action or deed. Another way to talk about this is that Intent helps to formulation Content because doing something becomes its own process.

While women have been made to experience the effect of their appearance, men are typically made the effect of their work. Men have been taught how to use other’s need to subjectify them in terms of their material or intellectual value to make it easier to get what they want. Just like the women they have three basic ways they deal with this subjectification. They either resist but still use it, or use it and enjoy it or deny it or distance themselves from it. Even in this age, the most common way a man identifies his values is based on his job or his social position. When men or women believe that this is the only way to relate to others it tends to inhibit them from moving into the Intellectual level of connection. This frequently results in becoming over identified with their Gender Identity at the cost of their higher ways of associating themselves. For example, on the Intellectual level we have further objectification and “subjectification” of each other, which can be opposite to our Gender Identity picture.

The only Gender Identity differences that may survive this type of internal discrimination are the ones reflecting our motivation to appear more desirable to potential partners. For example, women may base much of their Self-Esteem on their beauty as defined by society. This belief leads women to focus on their weight, clothes and cosmetics as a way to overcome their insecurity that they will not be appreciated by the person who really matters to them. Thus, we use outer appearances to distract ourselves from our natural feelings of softness and vulnerability. Men, on the other hand, may define themselves on an Instinctive level by how much respect they garner from women based on their accomplishments in their careers, possessions, and moneymaking capability. Many times, when a man feels inadequate, he may pretend to be someone he is not. Maintaining this illusion distracts our Self from truly relating to others. Fortunately, these fixed concepts are gradually breaking down and being revealed in mainstream society.

The problem with developing Gender Identity skills is that we get fixed in certain ways of seeing ourselves in order to overcome our assumed ‘insecurity.’ It is ironic that in today’s world we have so much flagrant rebellion against being defined in terms of our Gender Identity that our “acting out” ends up reinforcing our conditioning. The more we try to avoid or transcend our Gender attributes, the more they define us, even in our rebellion. For example, many of the younger generation are attempting to transcend their male or female attributes by wearing androgynous clothes, doing body piercing, getting tattoos, and dressing in ways that minimize their sexual differences. In fact, this simply promotes a androgynous type of social differentiation where young people play opposite but equally opposing roles with each other. No matter how far these individuals go to prove they are not traditional men and women, they keep returning to the reality that they are men and women, and therefore they failed to escape their Gender Identity.

These individuals are rebelling against the fixed, traditional beliefs about male or female roles, in which males are Providers and females are Nurturers. Typically, the result is that people end up reversing roles rather than transcending their existing roles. While we recognize on a physical level that we are male or female, we need to learn that on deeper levels we are both male and female. The more we are unwilling or unable to acknowledge the biological fact of our Gender Identity, the more we are caught up in either the cultural stereotypes of what it means to be male or female, or the anti-role playing perspective that we are the opposite of our physical Gender Identity. With so many ways to develop our creativity, why are we fixating so much on superficial outer differences? The answer is that we do not know how to explore our deeper creative nature.

When men and women are identified with their instinctive natures at the cost of their creative self, they become more closed down and limited in their responses. Gender Identity lessons are about opening up and exploring the options that are present. For the purpose of this discussion we are going to call these stereotypical roles the Instinctive Masculine and Instinctive Feminine. These patterns represent beliefs about how we should be masculine or feminine and not how we are actually embodied in masculine and feminine ways. It is interesting to note how these perspectives can become objectified roles that we use to blame our partners when they do not meet our expectations. Our intention is for the reader to be able to distinguish their Creative Self from these roles and perspectives.

Instinctive Men act like they want a connection even though they may be reluctant to discuss their feelings and desires. They only feel comfortable speaking when they know how to address and solve the problem in front of them. Unfortunately, when partners become more demanding, it actually elicits the independent need for alone time to consider their options. Gender Identity Men tend to keep their feelings to themselves or only share themselves in situations where they know their input will be valued. The real issue is when they do express their feelings at the urging of their partner and their partner reacts unfavorably, it sends a mixed message. This is because Gender Identity role-playing mean feel trapped in the cultural socialization process where they believe a real man would not show his emotions. When we break these external restrictions, it will move a man into being more embodied in his masculine energy.

Gender Identity Women use conversation to indicate their desire to be connected to another. When an Gender Identity woman presents a problem, it is not about solving this problem, but rather the desire to engage in a process. By exploring options Gender Identity Women feel seen and valued. It is interesting to note that Gender Identity Women tend to keep their thoughts to their selves until they can make and impact with them. Women can end up feeling that they are in a double bind when the thoughts they do share tend to restructure the lives of their partner. In other words by men seeking to demonstrate their power to accomplish things, listen to the woman experiencing a problem, they want to act. Gender Identity Women do not necessarily want them to act, but listen. While Gender Identity Men need to solve problems to create value, Gender Identity women seek interaction, which reflects to them how much the other care about them. The problem that arises is that miscommunication subverts their growing awareness and they end up working at cross -purposes rather than together. Due to the superficial connection, Gender Identity Women believe that every attempt at closeness is a prelude to sex. Gender Identity women become more embodied when they learn how to speak their truth harmlessly.

Gender Identity Men see sex as a conquest or an act of possession. Due to their aggressiveness and their apparent single-minded pursuit, Gender Identity Mean get the reputation that all they think about is sex. Typically Gender Identity Women do not understand how sex for Gender Identity Men brings them into a deep connection with their sensations and through this process their feelings. Gender Identity Men can be tamed to a degree when they believe that they have great sexual partners and are seduced by the apparent vulnerably of their partner. Gender Identity Mean are afraid to show their own vulnerability for fear that it will be interpreted as weakness. This is why after sex they want to leave (fear of becoming too emotional or becoming too needy). Despite this they do appreciate snuggling with Gender Identity Women who tend to misinterpret this act as asserting control over them. As Gender Identity Women tend to believe that Gender Identity Men always want sex, snuggling can be misinterpreted as foreplay, which denies the connection that Gender Identity Men want.

Gender Identity Women see sex as a way to exert their influence over men. The more a man demonstrates his need for sex, the more apparent power the Gender Identity Woman feels she has over him. This is especially true when Gender Identity Women do not care fully about the man and can say no to any sexual advances. On the Gender Identity level, strength may give the man an apparent edge by seducing the woman into his sexual potency. Since the man cannot win by asserting his power over the woman, he has to find a way to invite her to participate Ultimately women have the final say in any sexual activity which is the Holy Grail of Gender Identity behavior. An Gender Identity Woman is naturally more interested in what a particular relationship can lead to (material security, status, and comfort) than how loved, valued or seen they are by their partner. This reflects the cold reality that Gender Identity Women are selecting partners based on their capacity to provide for her and effectively father her children. With these issues at stake she realizes that appearances and timing are the most important aspects she can control to maximize her success. When an Gender Identity Women evolves she seeks warmth and seeks partners with greater flexibility and emotional support.

Gender Identity Men are more afraid of losing something great and therefore tend to pull away before women want them to so that they can reassess and reengage. Gender Identity Women on the other hand tend to believe that any step back is a refection or at least indicates a resistance to their suggestions. This occurs because Gender Identity Men have fears just like everyone else, but is trained not to acknowledge them. When Gender Identity women believe the image that Gender Identity men project, it actually creates a situation where tension grows to the degree that the Gender Identity man cannot own his truth. When a man recognizes that sharing his fears actually allows him to be present and powerful, it allows him to interact with a woman honoring her fears as well as his own. This opens the door for more effective communication. The ability to ask for support can be both freeing and healing. The Gender Identity Man is so attached to his role as a provider and his need to prove his capabilities, that he does not see that this response would be healing or acceptable to his partner.

Gender Identity Women have greater difficulty initially getting involved mostly because they do need greater trust and a better track record before surrendering to the process. What they need to know is the degree of commitment of the man to the process. Over time when things in the relationship are going well, they naturally want more which can trigger men into believing that they are being too demanding. When a man pulls back in this situation to reassess what he feels, it is easy for the woman to feel abandoned and hurt. This makes it more difficult for them to trust. While many women will talk about their fears, when they get not response from the mean it indicates to them that there is not involvement or commitment to the process. The more evolved a woman becomes, the more she is interested in contributing creatively both in the family and outside it. This encourages her to develop greater independence, which leads to greater interdependence with her partner. The goal she espouses is about developing greater and more powerful outward expression while increasing the trust of others in her family through her exceptional commitments.

When an Gender Identity Man becomes more evolved he is interested more in connecting than in sex. As he grows, he becomes more interested in partnership, intimacy and synergistic relationships. This encourages him to find ways to support others both within the family and more effectively outside the family. The goal he espouses becomes about conscious cooperation and trust so that great Unity is manifested. While one of the biggest complaints about men is that they will to change, when a man is embodied with his masculine energy he actually becomes a source of constructive change. One of the best ways a woman can support this process is to acknowledge the man and his growth process. When this occurs it creates a common framework where we experience Communion. Many individuals, when first experiencing this possibility, see it as a shift in consciousness that can be scary and difficult. A woman who is embodied in her feminine can make this process mush more interesting and fun.

Gender Identity Women are typically seen as wanting more interaction (motivated by the desire to connect) than is thought necessary by Gender Identity Men. Unfortunately Gender Identity Men fear needy and dependent women mostly because of their own interactions with their mothers. The important difference between Gender Identity Men and Women is that men view interaction as a means to an end while the Gender Identity women value the interaction as the intimate result they seek. As a result both of these individuals tend to objectify their partners by their masculine and feminine differences and are confused when their partner does not fit their projections. For example, it is commonly believed that women talk things out to examine all the options and that men tend to focus on and tend to prioritize everything mostly keeping them from enjoying the process. In such situations it has been scientifically proved that men get more easily overwhelmed where women get angry. Gender Identity Men seek to avoid these interactions at all costs. Gender Identity Women feel more powerful when they perceive they were wronged as it justifies them using their emotions in order to leverage things so that they can get what they want. Ironically many men view this as a weakness because is seems to arise from insecurity and dependency.

All of these perspectives while they do contain an element of truth do not represent the full range of possibilities within us. It is important that we stop using these Gender Identity beliefs systems to justify our own circumstances in making our partners wrong. Gender Identity positions have greatly shifted since World War II. After the war, due to a shortage of men, many women took on and developed their masculine side. During the same period many men became more relationship driven thereby embracing their feminine nature. It is important to see the differences between how we operate on Gender Identity level and/or Intellectual level and begin to unify these perspectives. From this perspective it is hard to prove anything about our differences between our masculine and feminine sides. We can however, discuss how embodying both our masculine and feminine sides can enrich us.

When embodied, masculine energy contracts and concentrates to demonstrate a degree of mastery. We demonstrate this mastery through effective and efficient task management and delegation. Embodied masculine energy is naturally Unifying and Intimate. Partially embodied masculine energy is risk taking and seeks the admiration and esteem of others to validate its power. When Gender Identity attached, masculine energy destructively attempts to control the environment. By asserting their self on the world, we lose the trust of others. In response, we attempt to change our behavior that caused this distress, and end up typically further compromising our self.

When embodied, feminine energy expands and includes everything as a way to embrace the mystery. We demonstrate this mystery by knowing how to meet and honor others in relationship. Embodied feminine energy is naturally Trusting and Autonomous. Embodied feminine energy is naturally receptive and open, for their strength lies in their vulnerability. Partially embodied feminine energy are active dreamers and seeks the adoration and respect of others to validate its contribution. When Gender Identity attached, feminine energy chaotically attempts to undermine the control of others to invite new possibilities to emerge. Through passivity and a lack of active guidance, an instinctive feminine individual expects great possibilities to show up. If things do not appear, a Gender Identity feminine individual is likely to feel misunderstood and needs considerable time to reestablish a direction, as a way to feel loved.

Deepening our perception of ourselves initially means letting go of our outer self-identity. What does being male or female really mean? Are we willing to let go of how we have been objectified by being a male or female in order to enable ourselves to explore the real meaning of our inner masculine and feminine energy? We suggest that the masculine and feminine need each other to deepen our understanding. Examining this issue lets us recognize how much of who we are has been subsumed by our self-identification with our Gender Identity. What makes this particularly interesting is how others are automatically entrained to objectify us on a physical level. What we were actually different on a physical level? How many of our friends would want to continue the friendship? Gradually we realize that most of our connections on a Gender Identity level are automatic role-playing where others do not actually see us.

Breaking through our instinctive Gender Identity role-playing takes realizing that we are much more than our outer appearances. The following perceptive frameworks can help us to bring out and express our inner creative being. I have a body, but I am not only my body. I am alive and wise and able to explore whatever brings out my passion. I will investigate my masculine ability to pursue the truth and to understand my world. I will investigate my feminine ability to be reflective and nurture new perspectives about how I wish to relate to others. I will honor my Aliveness by engaging others more directly. I will trust my Wisdom by easily responding to chaos and change. I will step beyond my patterns and predictability and grow to understand my power to contribute to others. I now recognize and accept my power to change my direction at any time.

The question behind our Gender Identity is can we choose our own way to grow? The more we are unable to establish our own course of development, the more we are defined by the Safe and Secure way of growing, which is to build the appetite of others to figuratively consume us. Initially in our development we recognize that we need to use the physical assets we possess to attract partners that we desire, or we might miss out. Along with this came training about how to choose partners and what is considered beautiful, handsome and valuable as character traits in a partner. The more we accept this conditioning, the less we are able to choose our own growth path and choose partners that work for us. We can validate this conditioning by whether we can authentically say yes or not to the interest of others. Some of us will either be nice, choosing to be with a potential partner we do not like or run away without considering this choice because they do not fit societies picture. Guilt comes with both choices. As a result we end up feeling resentful that we were not chosen by individuals we wanted or that we did not choose who we desired immediately.

When we are trapped on the Gender Identify level, we are typically self-absorbed, preoccupied about making the right choice, and trying not to be selfish. This creates a sense of Inertia, where our desire for comfort compromises our commitment to our own path. We are typically afraid to be different because it seems to make it difficult to be seen and loved by others. The more we hide our insecurities, the more we a driven to make our bodies more attractive to partners. Our preoccupation with our physical form attracts individuals who constantly access us on this level, pressuring us to maintain our appearances at all costs. Eventually, as we become older this becomes more difficult to accomplish, and we feel empty and lacking in value as others do not pay attention as they once did. The way out of this dilemma is to invest in developing our own growth path. Until we realize that we are more than our appearance, we have no reason to explore our deeper resources.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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