Healing Our Objectification

Instead of superficial characteristics, what are the experiences we seek in relationships? The lesson on this level is about learning to embrace change from within. If we keep building on current fixations, our actions continue to be limited. Creating our experiences, we have something to share, transcending our personal needs. When we share ourselves without withholding, we attract partner candidates with more Aliveness. Moving beyond this level shows that we have clarity about our Intent and can use our energy comprehensively to get things done. We do not need to hold back on our expressions of interest (which creates missed opportunities). The most important thing about rejection (which everyone is repulsed by) is that it frees us to put our attention on the next potential partner. Since relationships are a mutual choice, it helps us to recognize that our unseen and unacknowledged differences are being expressed in every rejection; ultimately reducing pain. Rejection is short-term pain that minimizes the chances of life-long pain.

How we break out of unconscious conditioning is through Stillness. When we become Still within ourselves, the only thing moving is our conditioning, which we can clearly differentiate. In Stillness, we can see our programming. One example of this is how it reveals Imprinting, where we believe we need to do or say something to make ourselves look good or feel better. Every Imprint is a pattern where we copy a parent’s or other authority figure’s behavior in order to gain their approval or acceptance. The Desire is to convince them that we are something we are not. If we have a Visionary (Priest) Imprint, we always seek to see the best in any situation and attempt to share what we believe will make a difference for another individual. As soon as we drop into Stillness, our imprinting is experienced as sporadic impulses to gain attention and approval. In this situation, we want others to appreciate how committed we are to contributing to them, even if the process is imposed. If we are consciously engaging, we will see that our imprinted behavior is not being well received. Actually, most often we are unconscious about reactions to our Imprinting.

Stillness reveals our motivations and allows us to see the pressure we put ourselves (and others) through to gain approval. When in Stillness, we can watch our mind attempt to put everything into certain safe perspectives so we can act out these scenarios. Unfortunately, these disjointed perspectives are a combination of what we believe we need to do, contrasted with what we end up doing, creating erratic, ungrounded activities. Our incongruent reactions, paired with our projected fear of a negative response, are what indicate that we are in our conditioning. Our programming creates false anchors that become inaccurate Beliefs about how the world works. The more we engage Stillness in our Being and stop this programming, the more we can identify opportunities to engage others that are not based on predefined roles. It is like hitting the reset button to reboot our operating system.

Stillness allows us to focus on our Aliveness. Any time we get caught up in Excitement, we can use Stillness to neutralize our unconscious conditioning so Aliveness emerges. Since Excitement is based on Fears and unacknowledged Desires, getting into Stillness and owning our Fears and Desires promotes Aliveness. This Transmutation process allows us to see the inner and outer Beauty of our partners (as long as we are connected to our Authentic Creative Source). We develop and enhance this connection by bathing in the ongoing presence of Beauty, overcoming Inertia by adoring and admiring this experience with others. It is important to note that enhancing Aliveness is a mutual experience. It is a conscious reflection, with a partner, that grows Aliveness within us. This is the opposite of Objectification, where Beauty is egoically amplified by solitary wish fulfillment (Excitement).

When we connect in Beauty with others, allowing them to enrich our experience, Life energy prevails. This requires us to be consciously present with our Fears and Desires, declaring that our mutual desire for Beauty will unify us. It creates a bond where Cellular Affinity (physical resonance) comforts us. Cellular Affinity is where we unify our Fears and Desires on the Instinctive level, so we are no longer daunted by them. It permits us to breathe and synchronize with another without a lot of confusion or mixed messages. We are no longer talking to a stranger, but someone with whom we deeply resonate. Hopefully, it can be someone who does not reflect our parental patterns. Aliveness most easily shows up here. It is more freeing when we are with people who do not reinforce or stimulate our old Fears. This process of shifting outside of our comfort zone shows that we can re-program our conditioning to make better relationship choices. It eliminates boredom, as we learn how to constantly regenerate ourselves. It permits us to heal our parental-substitute attractions, deal with Fears, and accept ourselves without hiding or needing to deceive others about our interests.

One of the best reasons to use Stillness is so we can be more appropriate and engage our creative opportunities as they occur. It is a way to check in to see how smoothly we can get past self-limiting Beliefs or assumptions. The more we examine our programming, we discover it is about looking good, proving ourselves, and becoming an example for our children. We can see the impact of examining our programming most easily by how we attempt to change the ways we raise our children, trying to avoid our parents’ pitfalls. Since programming is primarily in reaction to what we liked or did not like as children, it operates from a lack of maturity (that we can now provide). Unfortunately, automatic programming operates without consulting us and, if not consciously overridden will act out inappropriately. Stillness is a way to consciously notice our assumptions, behaviors and habits so that we can ascertain if it is serving us. The more we recover and change our past declarations of Intent, the easier it will be to create the inner alignment we desire on the Instinctive level.

One way to make this shift is to practice placing your attention on a rose. Notice its Life energy, smell, and go into its core essence. Recognize how this experience affects your Feelings. Spend time going deeper until you reach beyond the experience and qualities and align with the core purpose of the rose. Sometimes we can feel the pulse of the plant, or even taste its life essence. Usually, this process will not have immediate effects unless you have unified your Sensations and Feelings. It may require five to ten minutes a day for seven months to bring this experience into clear focus. We have to gradually reorient ourselves to see the inner purpose of a person, place or thing by learning how to appreciate it in all circumstances. The more we can look at things with an enhanced set of possibilities, the more we tune into the inner light and energetic focus behind them. You will not pay as much attention to outer appearances, at the cost of the inner connection to all things. By connecting to yourself, you make it possible to connect to others without draining or burdening them. Otherwise, we can be unaware of the negative impact of our unconscious interactions.

The foundation of a CNG is always our energetic body. We need a sense of unity within before being able to create a CNG for ourselves or others. This means we have to have solved at least one of the dualities that represent each of these levels so we know what wholeness is. The more we are connected to ourselves, the more we can distinguish what is and what is not us. When we have experienced trauma, three critical connections are broken or ignored, causing us to deny our own experience. These three fields form the basis of our energetic experience. When they are damaged or out of alignment, we lack integrity. Commonly, this means that our energy dissipates faster than we can replenish it. As a result, others are able to easily manipulate or influence us. Our Life Energy connection is located in the Hara center, four inches below the belly button, which is the source of all our actions. We call this Life Energy ‘etheric’ because it universally spreads throughout the body to regulate and fulfill the body’s intent. Each part of our body has its own purpose and intent that helps fulfill the mission of maintaining our well-being. We experience this intent through Sensations and Feelings. It is also known as our kinesthetic awareness or energetic sense of presence.

Our Light Energy connection is the brow center, which is the source of connection between our brain and the energy field we know as our mind. Thoughts and Emotions occur at certain frequencies within our mind, allowing us to process and reflect on our experience. We impress Content patterns on our brain (creating memories and stories) supporting us to have a continuity of experience through time. Our Truth, constructed of our Thoughts and Emotions, becomes the primary agent in individuating ourselves. We would not understand how we are different from others without this experience. It is the creative power of our intellectual and emotional reality that helps us manifest possibilities. We are not only at the effect of circumstances around us, but by using creativity, we help define how we want to shape our experience.

Our Love Energy is the unity of Life and Light fields into a much larger container, which is commonly called our aura. Our hearts, being the most powerful bio-electric systems in our bodies, have the most impact in organizing and experiencing Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, Thoughts and Intuitions. Without this field, we would have limited ability to manifest our intentions in the world. Our Love Energy integrates us in our experience so that we can fully express ourselves. When we embody our ability to love ourselves, our Context expands. This supports greater inter-connectedness between our Life and Light energies enriching our experiences. When we talk about alignment, we are referring to using our hearts to sense deeper energetic flows so that our path becomes more clear.

To establish a CNG, we need at least one, semi-complete connection (either Life, Light or Love) to ourselves to act as a foundation. This is required as we need to be able to locate ourselves and our primary energetic field in space and time. When we are able to declare where we are, it is helpful to pull back all of the unconscious energetic links we have with others. Most Facades and Pretenses are ways we isolate from others so we do not have to directly interact with them. While it would be helpful to neutralize these unconscious patterns, it is more important initially, to build stronger connections within our Self. When we centralize our sense of self, we no longer need to live through others. It also supports building our own energetic field and defining our personal boundaries.

The quality of a CNG is a direct result of a person’s capability to be grounded. This means feeling comfortable mentally directing energetic fields, and using this ability to create separate spaces where disparate concepts, Emotions, Feelings and Sensations can be contained. When we begin to create a CNG, it initially takes some imagination. This imagination is an act of personal will. Just by declaring the possibility, we make it real because energy follows our Thoughts. When it comes to grounding ourselves, we need to be present with our Sensations, Feelings, Emotions and Thoughts (which we call SFET). When we become proficient at this level, we might want to add our Intuition to the list. For many people who have grown up in repressed families, some of these parts are not easily accessible. The Owning Our Experience class is the best way we teach people how to get in touch with these internal modalities.

A CNG begins with learning how to be present, which define as grounding ourselves in our own experience. One way to do this is to send an energetic link deep into the earth beneath our feet. This can help. Another method is to imagine a connection to our body through our Hara center, four inches below our navel. This can help access our Sensations and Feelings. Some people recommend focusing on a point behind our Third Eye, between the brows on the forehead. This is the source of our Truth, which reflects our Emotions and Thoughts. Of course, there is no better place to feel grounded than in our hearts, which reflects both the integration of our Feelings and our Emotions. If we do connect into these locations and have a process to anchor ourselves in our bodies, it will help us focus our Life, Light and Love energies into creating a CNG. It would also allow us, once we have this established, to implement it in a moment so that creating a CNG can be a seven second endeavor.

Check right now to determine which of your Life, Light, or Love energies is most prominent. Visualize using this energy to declare your existence in either your Hara, Brow, or Heart center. Do this by saying, “I am that I am.” Repeat this until it resonates within your center. Own that you exist and that your life has meaning, purpose, and function. Use your current strength to support other areas where you may not be as strong. If you wish, repeat, “I am that I am” in the other locations and see how they respond. Believe in your ability (by focusing your attention) to direct your consciousness to produce any result you wish to create.

The value of Aliveness is that we become less fearful and no longer take on the fears of others. We call this individuation process, particularly on a body level, learning to stand apart. The irony of learning to stand apart is that it is necessary to consciously stand together without co-dependence. One of the main fears of unconscious relationship is that our partner will pull us down or undermine our contributions. Until we demonstrate to ourselves that we cannot be compromised by others’ Fears and Desires, we are timid in our relationship aspiration. By bonding our Sensations and Feelings, it greatly reduces others ability of being able to compromise our physical well-being. It also makes us resilient to the negative influences of others who do not have a similar relationship to themselves. Most of our image fixations drop away and we become committed to acting in congruence to our life energy and intentions.

As we are becoming more conscious, we are developing a choice to honor our own Creative Nature. Our Beauty emerges when we become energetically Still and Self-observing. It breaks us out of conditioning so that we do not need to blindly ‘act’. It also alerts us to an expanded experience of being exactly where we need to be for a particular experience. We are capable of asking, “What is being called forth in this moment? How can we respond to what is needed in this moment?” rather than getting caught up in our Fears. If we choose Excitement over Aliveness, we will re-invoke our conditioning. If we hold out for the uncomfortable option, something will emerge that can change the course of our life. It is interesting to note that a part of us is strangely attracted to individuals who break out of their conditioning. Individuals that are balanced and present both in their sensations and feelings can show up and respond in any moment. This is our natural best choice.

to imagine a world that works for everyone, we would have to find better ways of interacting with each other. Particularly, we would have to stop judging others because they are different or because we dislike them in some way. We would also have to stop judging ourselves. We would have to recognize that many of our judgments come from historical, family associations (which is why they seem familiar to us). The compromises of our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents have a profound effect on our lives, especially if we have not discovered and owned our Authentic Creative Nature. Most unconscious associations are built up and passed down, generation to generation, in a way that discounts the current generation and compromises their ability to be themselves. Sadly, we continue the tradition when we reinforce past judgments that do not reflect a conscious choice on our part.

Physical bonding occurs by putting together our Sensations and Feelings into a central, experiential framework so we can express ourselves in a unified manner. When we acknowledge our wholeness, we begin the process of differentiating ourselves. We notice this occurring when we no longer attract individuals who only fill our emptiness and void. Of course, by being more balanced ourselves, we will repulse people who need a partner who is experiencing emptiness. When we attract others who are balanced, there is a greater possibility of physical bonding or Cellular Affinity. This feels like a sense of freedom mixed with calmness and an ability to relax so there is no need to perform for the partner. When we make this shift within us, our magnetic field changes so that old relationship choices no longer make sense. Instead, we find ourselves attracting new individuals that can meet us and are more available.

If we were operating on a higher level and wanted a deeper connection before we became sexual, it would take a couple of months to build a heart connection with the individual. This would allow us to determine the actual type of relationship that would be best for each other. Not pressuring the partner on a sexual level can also go a long way in building respect that most partners need before they want to be sexually intimate. Great sexuality only occurs if we can simultaneously be present to our Sensations and Feelings, and share them with our partner. In this situation, the key connective energy is Enthusiasm, not Excitement. Another indicator is if we have bonded over co-creative processes before we become sexual.

The key Skill we want to master in dealing with others different from us is to recognize whether they can meet us where we are. Recognizing differences allows us to have compassion for what we currently can do and what would be difficult. This means we have to accept our nature and the way we process experience in order to recognize when another person has a different, incompatible style. Since individuals have differences in availability in both their masculine and feminine side, this makes some interactions impossible. One way of recognizing this is how our masculine side empowers us to manifest Sensations and Thoughts, while the feminine side supports us in expressing our Feelings and Emotions. A person who is only able to express in the masculine Sensations and/or Thoughts will find it nearly impossible to effectively communicate with and understand someone who is only expressing in the feminine Feelings and/or Emotions.

The more we are able to develop both our masculine and feminine aspects, the more we will be able to interact and communicate with others, despite the availability and balance of their masculine and feminine qualities. We see examples of this with Communication Process differences. Another major area of conflict is in Defense Style differences that confuse us as to our own natural masculine and feminine embodiment. Ultimately, when we are conscious, we use our Primary, Secondary and Mental Body Expressions, along with their natural masculine and feminine aspects, to empower us to meet others wherever they are. The bottom line is that everyone has some combination of masculine and feminine, the greater the imbalance between the two, the more difficult communication and interactions become.

One way we make the shift to more conscious relationships is not to believe our own assumptions. This allows us to learn how to be attracted to individuals who can actually support us. The Transmutation that occurs is that we become balanced in our Sensations and Feelings, which enables us to effectively bond with our partners. When we are in Excitement, there is always an imbalance where their Feeling-focus counterbalances our Sensation-focus (or vice versa). In relationships with individuals who are strong in the same way we are strong and weak in the same way we are weak, we can work together to overcome our challenges, rather than isolating and comparing ourselves. We need to be more confident and love ourselves if we are to step into this possibility. If we can break our patterns by choosing similar-quality partners, it means we can energetically flow with them and interact without feeling drained (or compromised). It not only enlivens us, but attracts others who are balanced on these levels as well. This shift not only affects us energetically, but also allows us to consider and engage long-term affiliations.

When we are free to own and express our Feelings and Sensations, we are Alive!  The lack of Objectification means we are no longer biologically driven to procreate. We no longer count on a partner’s Imprinting to give us the edge in making an impression on them. This opens the door to making free choices about what works for us. Otherwise, we continue to look for parental substitutes and become more desperate with each disappointment. What would it be like is we were not driven by unconscious conditioning? One of the first steps to becoming conscious about our ‘type’ is to have a Creative Assessment done of our past relationships. This offers a template of the patterns that are guaranteed to compromise our connection with our partners and ourselves. We want to avoid parental choices. While it is uncomfortable to explore relationships outside of our unconscious parental patterns, it increases the odds of a successful, long-term relationship at least threefold.

Going back to the metaphor that CNG is an operating system and, by extension, the vehicle is the shared CNG space, we can see that we want to open ourselves up to new experiences. It is as if one day we wake up and discover that our vehicle may not have been an automobile at all, but actually has wings that when we reach a certain velocity allows us to leave the ground! The irony is that our wings were always there; we just never noticed. What enables us to take ownership of our vehicle’s full potential is the recognition that our Creative Nature can manifest whatever we intend. This Intent sets in motion the ability to distinguish our space from our partner’s, which, paradoxically, enables us to experience both our space and the shared mutual space without being compromised. In relationships we learn that we do not need to be lonely anymore, because there is a part of us that is always connected.

Instead of being rigid, we can find the freedom to speak about our actions in a more unified and uncompromised way. This occurs because we no longer view ourselves as a product of the past; instead, we are an evolving Creative Being who can take new actions and go in new directions. We learn that we are someone with deeper substance and do not need to rely on appearances to get what we want. To accomplish this, we choose to let go of our conditioning by purposely doing random things that do not feel safe. It starts with using Stillness to observe how our conditioning wants us to take actions that seem safe but are not. By upsetting our automatic conditioning framework, we begin to question our assumptions and build an inner capacity to listen to our body (and thus, our Sensations).

By taking charge of our Intent, we create a space where we dictate our own actions. We become clear about how past motivations minimized our choices. This capacity to connect to our Intent helps us to establish a CNG where we can be self-reflective about our deeds. The more we invest in our own Stillness, the deeper we go into weeding out our unconscious motivations. In short, we become clear about the cost of synchronizing (or merging) ourselves with others. Breaking out of the herd mentality is also stimulating—others can break out as well. One of the best examples of clarifying unconscious patterns is being able to say ‘no’ to a partner who represents our instinctive Attractions. Shifting from Excitement to Aliveness allows us to affirm that we have a choice and no longer need to be at the effect of others.

By interrupting the feedback mechanism that keeps us stuck in reactive ways of being, we learn that our Thoughts are not what define us. We start to realize we are not a product of our Thoughts, which means we can think outside the box of the persona we have created to maintain our Safety. By breaking the rigid familiarity of how we think about ourselves, the door opens for us to question what is important. Otherwise, we go through the motions and take actions that reinforce our old thinking.

Intent allows us to step beyond superficial role-playing. If we are not able to clarify our Intent, we become trapped in Inertia, where repetitive, conditioned actions put us in a sleepwalking state. We need to create a CNG so we can see that our actions have meaning and purpose in life. We need to be able to see ourselves in terms of our actions. The more we take responsibility for these actions and become conscious of their consequences, the more powerfully we can connect to others. By taking action, we bring authentic Life energy to the fore. Understanding the range of Motives is one way of waking up to higher possibilities. The chart showing the four levels of Motives and the dimensions of masculine, feminine and integrated modalities provides guidance about the expected outcomes when we operate from one set of Motives instead of another. This is why Act-First or Act-Second Communication Process individuals, and Primary and Secondary Implementers (Warriors), have an easier time embracing this first step. They are able to directly choose a Motive and act in alignment with that Motive without second-guessing themselves.

When we choose partners who reflect aspects of our parents, it creates a false perception of Safety. Until we break out of our Safety conditioning by making different choices, we will continue to seek Safety in our partners. Along the way, while we can avoid compromise, we cannot avoid all rejection. Rejection is simply a sign that we are with people who do not see or appreciate us. It is our best opportunity to move on! We want our partners to share their Truth when something does not work to avoid staying with people not ready to invest in our mutual growth. Aliveness, vibrancy and energetic sensitivity open us up to making better long-term choices. CNG allows us to hold the experiences of others outside our personal space so we do not have to take on their issues. It helps us to think beyond the Safety assumptions that we think will not pan out.

The final transition out of this stage (Instinctive level) comes when we shift to being able to see the inner Beauty of individuals rather than focusing on their outer Beauty. Seeing inner Beauty (such as Aliveness, openness, receptivity, curiosity, uniqueness, humor, etc.) becomes the our eternal framework of appreciation. This is more authentic and real than outer, transitory appearances. We need to investigate and determine what actually brings out the best in us rather than accepting that outer Beauty Attractions will make up for our oversights. Until this time, our inability to be present with either our Sensations or Feelings creates short-circuits in our internal wiring; we operate in addictive patterns needing others to provide what we deny ourselves.

p> We become attached to Beauty but are unable to accept it in ourselves. This is why people attempt to earn, buy or possess Beauty. To the addicted, there are no limits. When we open this circuitry and can be present with our Sensations and Feelings simultaneously, it frees us from the fixation that we need to have Instinctive stimulation from a partner. Instead of Excitement, we learn to generate our own internal Aliveness. We become intentional and committed to the process of Self- discovery and what actually works. This opens us up to choosing partners outside of our parental choice framework. Many new partner choices will now show up that we ignored in the past because of our previous addictive Excitement criteria.

Seth Meyers, Psy.D in his article, “4 Rules for Surviving Dating: How To Find Lasting Love” on PsychologyToday.com points out that we cannot talk about our partner as The One until we have had months of experience with them. Otherwise, expectations set in and we are at the effect of our past comparison programs. Secondly, it is important not to jump into bed too quickly. He says that we have to find out if we are emotionally compatible before finding out about our physical compatibility. Third, that we should not even plan to introduce them to our family until we have had a month of dating with no red flags. Finally, he recommends stating affirmations that bring us back into connection with ourselves so that we do not attempt to define ourselves in terms of our partner’s expectations, needs or desires. Higher Alignment has the same guidelines, plus many more regarding who to choose and why they would be good for you. These are presented in our Enlightened Dating Program.

In summary, Excitement is where we know we are not safe, but pursue certain activities because of the Desire for pleasure. Attachments amplify Excitement because we are always afraid we will lose something we currently have. In relationships (on the Instinctive level) we are always seeking a better parental connection. We instinctively believe Excitement is the antidote to the pain of our childhood, when actually, it only amplifies it. We unconsciously need to believe that things can get better or all the pain of our past will resurface. The pursuit of Excitement is solitary and fixated on fulfilling our Desires without paying attention to the Desires of others. The fear of missing out on an opportunity becomes the impetus to engage life, even when painful. On the Instinctive level, we gain experience by pushing ourselves into the unknown, hoping we learn how to survive in the process.

The dilemma is that our biological programming to procreate guarantees the unsafe actions we take, producing genealogical diversity. As a reward, we have a momentary experience of pleasure without the communion we actually seek. This unresolved tension is due to a lack of Creative Alignment or a heart-to-heart connection. It is a superficial experience based on fiction that our partners accept and care about us. While they may want to care, Imprinting and Objectification patterns stand in way.  The more we fixate on changing our partner into the person of our dreams, the less we invest in creating an authentic relationship that works. Creating the ‘person of our dreams’ is based on the belief that our Gender Identity is the core identifier of our value. It promotes an Illusion that all differences can be ascribed to masculine or feminine gender identity. With these associations, it is no wonder we have such a limited view of the many levels of our Creative Nature. Until we shift from programmed Attractions to conscious Attractions, based on affirming our inner growth, we will keep acting out these hit-or-miss attempts at connection.

When we search for acceptance and no longer need outer Beauty to confirm our Attractions in terms of appearances, we are free to have quality relationships. Opening our perceptions to include energetic qualities of Beauty reduces our fixation on outer physical characteristics. More importantly, it reveals inconsistencies between our beliefs about what physical characteristics mean to us versus what they actually represent. This dissonance drains our energy, yet we are typically unconscious about the effect. Biological programming guarantees genetic diversity in the human race, but it does not make for great relationships. A more conscious perspective would be to look deeply at our relationship choices to determine what each relationship contributes to us. What is the quality of the connection rather than its outer appearance? A great relationship does not change their physical attractiveness or repulse and us when someone grows older; rather, it allows us to deepen into appreciation for their inherent qualities and nature.

CNG empowers expanding our experiential framework to include all the senses so that Aliveness and Beauty become centralizing principles that restore inner balance. Wherever we are in denial of any aspect of our Aliveness or Beauty, our reality is incomplete and diminished. Without realizing it, the limitation of our parents to see and make choices on their own has affected our ability to choose appropriately for ourselves. As a result, we choose variations of our parents, inaccurately thinking this will lead to Safe choices. One way out of this pattern is to cease judging, this challenges our assumptions and expands our experience-base to see the full range of opportunities. For many of us this will require going beyond self-imposed rules that deal with ugliness and Fear. The surprising result will be that we see others for their wholeness, allowing us to choose Life.

Case Study 1: Transmuting Excitement Into Aliveness

Daryl and Audrey met while they were on a trip in Europe. Audrey felt no sexual chemistry but she did feel more Alive around Daryl. She was intrigued because, while he did not meet her idea of someone she would normally be with, she found herself doing more and more things with him. Daryl interpreted her interest as romantic. He found her delightful, creative and unpredictable. He felt that around her, unexpected things would happen—and they did. He felt that his familiarity with her would soon be her experience as well. (Note: She fit his mother’s pattern, which created Excitement. She was also the perfect person to project his needs onto). He liked the sense of possibilities and the fact that she could be spontaneous and free with him. This was in contrast to his own experience (with his mother) where he felt he had to live up to her requirements. Audrey was drawn to the activities they shared, which were fun and playful. In some way, he brought out a side of her she had not had much experienced with. One thing they both agreed on was that being together was not boring.

As the relationship developed, Audrey felt pressure to define the relationship more clearly. Daryl’s Expectations and Romantic Mythology increasingly became a part of their interactions. She was afraid he was falling for her, while she did not experience a romantic interest. (Note: Her father was not like him at all. Even though she intrigued him, she didn’t feel the Excitement about him that she wanted). While he heard what she said, it did not really worry Daryl. This is because he trusted that the way they were coming together was a more important indicator of her interest than her actual words. Daryl had been in several relationships where there had been no clarity about the type of relationship they were having. However, he felt confident that the relationship would reveal itself if only he remained positive. The thing that constantly reinforced this was the fun activities and how they got along so well, especially when possibilities were undefined. After three weeks of touring Europe together, Daryl came back to his home and business in Denver, with Audrey promising to call him from her home in Boulder.

When Daryl did not hear from Audrey after two weeks, he called her. He felt disappointed when he could not seem to establish a connection with her after several days. On her part, Audrey was not purposely avoiding Daryl but she did not want him to assume that it was going to be the same as in Europe. She also needed time to process her experience with Daryl to determine what she wanted from the connection. For his part, Daryl was starting to doubt he would ever see her again, when she finally returned his call. She proposed that they be friends and meet occasionally to do activities of common interest. Daryl responded by trying to establish a time when they could get together and talk about what they would like to do. Audrey suggested a time but then called him back to change both the time and place.

Individuals are instinctively attracted to their parental patterns, confirmed by the presence of Excitement. These are addictive patterns emphasizing that we need others to complete our experience. These unconscious Attractions reflect where we do not feel seen by our parents, which drives us to look for someone who will see us. We imagine, initially in the relationship, that these people are our saviors, because we believe they can heal us. Over time, this belief creates a pressure to compromise ourselves to keep them around. Until we shift this pattern to an individual who is not a parental pattern, we are not even sure (aware) that we are losing ourselves in these relationships. When we choose Aliveness over Excitement, it opens us up to eliminate caretaking and determines if the relationship is really good for us or not. Otherwise, we keep choosing relationships that compromise us and then feel resentful about it.

Daryl becomes caught up in his ideas of how he can make an impact on Audrey. This places him at the effect of her. Audrey, on the other hand, wants to keep Daryl around to soothe her feelings of loneliness, but does not want any form of commitment. Men wanting more from her than she wants to give have compromised her in the past. She has also been at the effect of Romantic Mythology, where a man falls in love with the idea of her, but does not have an ability to connect with her in real ways. Until she can stand alone, she is also at the effect of Daryl. She only sees herself involved with him as long as there is Aliveness and the commitment to having fun. The more it becomes clear that there are huge differences about how this would work out in real time, the more disheartened they both become. This is because as long as the relationship is new and people are free to act, an Instinctive relationship can hold together. As long as the relationship is easy and does not require any external structure (as it was in Europe) it can work quite well. The problem is when Expectations become the norm; it drains life energy out of the relationship and ultimately the relationship tends to fall apart. Now that there is more geographic separation and they have different ideas about how to proceed, chaos prevails. In this story, Audrey has made a transition out of Level 1 (if she can tell her truth, despite her Fears), while Daryl is still captured by Level 1 issues (Excitement vs. Aliveness).

© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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