Growth (Enhanced By Vibratory Expansion)

Lesson 3: Being Present With Possibilities

Introduction

Growth is the capacity to engage lessons around us so they can become integrated within us. Each time we grow it is because we participate in a process that challenges us so we become more complete. Growth requires that we transmute (by balancing sensations and feelings), transform (by integrating our emotions and thoughts) or transfigure (by fulfilling our aspirations) our experience so we align with Universal Intent. Personal growth keeps us relevant to the lessons around us. This occurs because the universe is always changing and we need to keep up with it. It does not matter whether we accomplished something successfully or not. It is completely about the process of working something out and discovering we are bigger than the problem itself. Growth is therefore a person facilitation process where we learn what works for us. It is also Growth is about finding alignment with others so we understand what our mutual options are. This type of growth is called Vibratory Expansion, where a mutual possibility becomes the fulcrum for leveraging mutual interests to fulfill a greater good.


Presence is one of the main elements required for Growth. When we can be Present with our selves and see additional opportunities it becomes easier to map a course about what is possible. We do this internally by recognizing where our past patterns overlap our current opportunities. This provides greater confidence we can connect the key elements that make a solution work. The key Skills of Aliveness and Wisdom both contribute to making Growth more conscious. The more we are willing to risk for new possibilities, the easier it is to grow. The more we can understand our own patterns and see our own Truth, then we have a definite advantage when mapping out our natural Growth process. What makes inner opportunities mutual is finding others aligned to our Intent. We are always able to grow faster, with more clarity, with others.


The major problem with Growth is when we are not aligned with others. When one person is willing to grow, but the other is not, it creates tension and the inability to move forward. In this way, relationships and friends can keep us from growing because they do not want to deal with the unknown. It is common for friends to sabotage, discount or deny Growth opportunities when it is not convenient for them. This is why we clearly rejoice when we have friends and partners who are aligned and can participate in this experience of Vibratory Expansion. Optimally, we want to be in sync energetically and able to sense when we are aligned, both through Aliveness and Wisdom.

Growth is a Skill, like others, where if we do not own and accept our own Growth, we cannot connect to others without the same capacity. It is about taking the risk of others seeing we have made a mistake. What we fear is that we will not be appreciated for our strength of character and willingness to take risks. With Growth, we learn to be daring and undaunted by obstacles. We focus on both our masculine and feminine sides, either acquiescing to or driving our Growth so we become more aligned with a larger possibility. This is the core lesson for individuals developing the Skill of Growth. Are we willing to be fully present with the possibilities that exist?

Vibratory Expansion focuses us on building greater possibilities with others. It provides confidence that our partner is aligned with us. We can sabotage Vibratory Expansion by falling into Inertia, where we are unwilling to creatively flow with our partners. Inertia is the opposite of Growth. It keeps us from taking on possibilities and making the best from a situation. It also makes it difficult to speak up and own what is going on within us. When we do not tell the truth, we are falling into an Inertia patterns, because Fears are overwhelming our desire for a better outcome. The problem is we are seldom willing to reveal how much we have on the line for fear that others will negatively react if it does not work out. We try to get seen for being reliable, dedicated, determined and knowing what we want. This means we need to create a larger Context by embracing both Growth and inertia. Growth is actually a super-set of all the above, without an attachment to a fixed way of operating.


Growth is also blocked by Lust and the pursuit of Reliability. Lust is an Attachment to an image, where we lose ourselves in the object of our Desire. It reduces our Context by fixating on and protecting our Sensations, creating imbalances within that keep us from accepting the direct experience. Reliability is also an attachment to an image where we lose ourselves in the idea of Security. It reduces our Context by fixating on and protecting our Feelings. The result is that it ends up empowering Inertia. We become more jaded and stuck. What we need is physical movement to break up these patterns and to integrate our Sensations and Feelings. This process empowers Vibratory Expansion, where we experience our connection to ourselves and others.


The only way we experience our own Growth is when others Grow with us. This points out how useful it is to be around those who are doing a lot of Growth, so we become internal advocates. Just imagine what it could be like when stepping into a new possibility and not knowing what will happen next. We want to get used to affirming the unknown whenever we are doing Growth. Otherwise, we become attached to our image (Lust and Inertia) and get caught up acting out our fantasies because we have no actual desire for reality. Awareness is also the opposite of Anxiety. If we are feeling anxious, our Growth is limited. This is because Anxiety makes it difficult for us to see ourselves clearly and we end up compromising ourselves to make others believe the best in us. Growth and Awareness, conversely, focus and free us from false attachments to Lust.


Lust is the pandering after and attachment to a particular way of connecting that has maximum Excitement and minimum Aliveness.Excitement is an out of Balance need that can never truly be satisfied. What it does is drive us to seek out ever increasing expressions of Beauty without seeing the real human underneath. In fact, it’s more about developing a Fantasy Connection because when we are in it, we are repelled from the humanness of people. We cannot or will not accept or see the perfection in how individuals currently appear. In effect, Lust is a childlike Fantasy where we refuse to deal with reality as it currently exists. What we do not realize is that Lust is a Fantasy Projection into a future that cannot exist. No one can be effectively a Partner and live up to our fantasies that we are seeking to project onto them. Even if they did perceive our needs in this way, this would be a burden upon our Partner that would effectively drive us away from us. It is Paradoxical that the desire to procreate has an initial benefit that shortly thereafter makes everything in relationship more difficult.


Moving from Lust to Reliability requires us to show up in a way that is inconsistent with our old attachments. The incongruity of this has to do with the fact that we seek better outer appearances that means increasing expectations for our Partner to meet while simultaneously wanting them to maintain old safe and secure ways of interacting. This means Sex becomes an addiction, and breakups come quickly whenever these two different needs come into Conflict. We need to stop associating our Connection based on appearances. Otherwise, we get caught in circular objectification patterns that never satisfy us. We need to recognize that outer appearance doesn’t really have a lot to do with our attractions to others. While it can be an initial point of focus, we need to investigate and own the inner attractions that permit us to develop the relationship. We also need to realize that Falling in Love with someone is not the same as being loving with them. If we can fall into love, then we can fall out of love easily.

Until we realize that outer appearances don’t equate to happily ever after Experiences, we will continue to be locked into Objectification patterns that have no great outcome. The choice of going deeper and looking at the creative Connection we have with others is the only one that opens up possibilities for a future in relationship. This means we need to be able to learn and Grow from our interactions with our Partner, if we are going to be able to maintain them.


Growth is the ability to maximize the benefits of what we learn by being able to compare different outcomes and then see what occurs. When we are caught up in Objectification patterns, we actually deny that our Partner is actually human with strengths and weaknesses. This prevents us from adapting to them and learning from them. At a core level, it reflects that we are not able to Trust ourselves with choices and therefore default to an animalistic response. Lust and Reliability are Instinctive defaults that reflect that we don’t want to grow up. Usually, there was some traumatic Experience where we were hurt and we cut ourselves off from our own natural humanity. This enabled us to not be responsible for our choices or care about the choices others make around us.


Let us see and accept our own humanity and recognize that we can make changes in our life to benefit us. The more we show up, the more we discover that relationships can respond to our unique way of engaging. This teaches us that Growth is the more effective way of moving into a state of being with another. If we cannot grow, we become bored. If we do grow, we no longer need fixed frameworks of attractions to reinforce the relationship. Ultimately, we have to know that creative attractions are more important than sexual chemistry.

Lust

Lust is a state of conditioning where we seek temporary indiscriminate sexual Connections to minimize the loss of our Self-loving Connection to the Universe. Lust is how we seek agreement from others for our sexual fantasies by getting them to conform to us. The immediacy of Lust comes from the perspective that our current energy and Feelings are what matters and that other concerns only minimize our authentic expression or desire for Experience. Usually, past denial of Sensations and/or Feelings makes the temptation for immediate sexual expression undeniable. Ironically, we feel drawn into the process to the degree we feel validated for who we are, which, upon reflection, actually reflects the other’s need for us to be present for them. Lust only completely works if both Partners are blinded to their lack of authentic creative Connection.


In Lust, we glorify an animal nature that allows us to feel Instinctively connected, but this Connection is mostly a Fantasy about the other person rather than a genuine Connection to the real person. The Paradox here is that the attachment to our attractions exists mainly in our Fantasy world, and may not actually exist in the real world. This means that, in effect, we make up how we feel attracted to the other person so we can feel connected. This is also why after becoming sexual, we frequently are shocked when we begin to see the unattractive aspects of our Partner that were denied by our fantasies.


When we become Consciously connected to our Self, we are no longer attached to our physical persona in a way that creates neediness, which drives us into Unconscious sexual expression. When we do not feel the sense of completeness and wholeness that comes from Conscious Connection to our Self, we try to offset the loneliness and pain of Feeling separate through the pursuit of pleasure, setting ourselves up to be hurt in our sexual interactions with others. Let us embrace our deeper Connection to our Self, allowing ourselves to honor and Experience our Feelings and Sensation as they are. When we honor our inner Experience as it is, we will no longer be driven to connect with others in ways that are Fantasy-based and which deny current reality. This will allow us to move into the unifying Experience of mutual Aliveness and move out of the dualistic Experience of Excitement.


Lust is projected most powerfully if we are also doing Greed and Arrogance. Lust is a desire to objectify and possess another because we do not feel able to be present with ourselves. The more we operate in creative denial, the more we believe we need Lust to connect with others, however superficially. Ironically, when we operate in a state of Lust, we are unable to have any true creative Connection with our Partner because our idea of them and their idea of us is in Conflict. Instinctively we fall into roles that guarantee the procreation of the species. Unconscious conditioning (reflected by isolation) overcomes fair reasoning and we are frequently later left wondering why we choose this Partner in the first place. The answer is that our choice of sexual Partner(s) (when we are in a state of Excitement) reflects a “special” opportunity to be seen, heard and valued; a value previously denied us by our parents and temporarily (at least) reflected in this Partner.

When we get caught up in Lust, we want others to be as Excited with us as much as we wanted our parents to stimulate us, but did not. How parents did or did not accept or affirm us becomes the need to be reassured and validated by our Partner. This is what they use to hook us. Ironically, the more we do not feel seen, heard and valued by the parent substitutes, the more it can trigger our Excitement and Lust, because it becomes a challenge to get what was previously denied. Since many of us become dissociated about our real needs, we seek out love substitutes in the superficial behaviors and appearances of potential Partners. Our Beliefs about certain individuals become the basis for building expectations that we believe will predict safe Partner choices. As Lust requires mutual agreement (usually a pursuer and the pursued) we must first agree about the roles. This dialog allows us to explore our common attraction to the other. Without this titillation process, we cannot build the energy required to fulfill our Lust. These Instinctive attraction frameworks are formed by the associations we have made with certain physical characteristics, which we believe make us feel Safe and Secure. Lust creates the Illusion that we are each operating in a Safe way.

We can see Lust in others when they become fixated on our outer appearance. This means individuals operating in Lust feel safer being around people who mesh with their Unconscious, idealized Projections. Others will respond positively to our Lust to the degree that they feel alone and unseen, needing reassurance and affirmation of their own humanity. It is interesting to notice that Lust is a temporary satisfaction at best, which constantly needs reassurance and support. We commonly see Lust in people who are disconnected and not tuned into what is going on around them. In doing Lust, we use Excitement and Fantasy-building imagination to create a Connection, rather than seeing and accepting others where they are. This is why we are often later upset when we realize that the other person did not really understand or appreciate us for who we are.

In the motive of Lust, we operate from the Context of believing that narcissistic, anonymous sex is all we need to feel connected.We seek temporary indiscriminate sexual Connections to minimize the lack of Creative Self-love we Experience. Lust reflects the underlying fear of our nothingness because no one actually sees us as we are. Another fear reflects our jealousy that others are going to get something we will not. The underlying fear about Lust is the issue of objectivepossession as the only way to Experience Lust. We get objectified in the objectification of others. We believe that a physical and/or Emotional interaction will somehow empower us to better connect with who we are, when in fact does the opposite. This is why many of our sexual Experiences drive us, through the process of titillation, to constant sexual activity until we are exhausted. One of the challenges of Lust is that we falsely believe that the more detached we are, the greater our choices and options with others will be. We find ourselves needing to act as if everything about us is attractive in the hopes that others will find us attractive. As a result, we overdo our interest in others to maintain the option of choosing them as sexual Partners in the future, even though we may not really find them all that attractive. We can see Lust in others by the bombastic, demanding way in which they wish to be engaged, while we can sense inwardly that they are very needy and disconnected.

We heal Lust by honoring our own natural attractiveness. This requires that we step away from objectifying others be being Consciously present. When we see higher possibilities in others, we will naturally begin to see and accept the higher possibilities in ourselves. Let us imagine we no longer need to pretend to be attractive to attract others. Let us imagine that there are people who are naturally attracted to us and to whom we could be naturally attracted. One of the easiest ways to do this is to seek out people with whom we have an enthusiastic and passionate Connection, but without too much Excitement. This is because Excitement reflects incomplete parental lessons that keep us in a state of anticipation and fear as to whether or not we will ultimately be accepted. We heal Lust when we no longer feel driven to perform and can accept our physical appearance without accentuating physical characteristics we think will make us attractive or ignoring those we do not.

Let us recognize that in our Experience, Lust keeps us from being connected in the deeper ways we actually long for. Can we relax into a more natural way of being with each other? Imagine connecting in a new way that is more creative, open and available. Let us commit to being Consciously present with others when we are sexual with them, instead of falling into Unconscious reassurance patterns where we act out our animal Desires. Can we be with ourselves enough to Consciously connect with others? Could this be a pleasurable Experience? Do we need Attention, fear and Fantasy to distract us from the potential downsides in this relationship? If so, we may not be in the right relationship. If we connect and Experience the pain of their self-rejection expressed as Lust, we will likely no longer be interested in pursuing the relationship if they cannot be present to us.

Let us imagine being attractive enough on deeper levels that would innately provide the space and willingness to explore the relationship in a Conscious manner. Let us engage in a way that truly allows us to flow and be clear about our individual Experiences so we can Consciously co-create a larger loving Experience. This requires us to be Respectful about our mutual Desires. It requires us to be committed to seeing our own goodness, especially as we Experience it in our interactions with others. As we accept our own natural Playfulness and exploration process, we no longer see ourselves purely on physical terms where we fear others will not find us attractive. Instead, let us Experience our natural Beauty and handsomeness both internally and externally so we no longer need to be attached to the superficial attractions or repulsions of others.

We can begin to see how these attractions and repulsions are actually a reflection of our Fears and conditioning. When we acknowledge how following these patterns keeps us from growing beyond our Fears it becomes more apparent that engaging our repulsions can teach us a tremendous amount about ourselves. Let us endeavor to heal our past anger, pain and rejections so we no longer need to distance ourselves from others. Let us learn to be present with our Fears of rejection so we do not need to impose ourselves on others to Experience the tension of exciting sex. When we allow ourselves to be thankful for past rejections it reveals how several of the choices previously made were not actually in Alignment with our creative nature. Examining our rejections may reveal how we were previously rejecting ourselves. Instead of continuing to abandon ourselves in our sexual Connections, let us find a way to learn our deeper truth about how we are not connecting to our creative nature. Let us learn how to accept our anger and creatively engage it by constructively sharing our pain with our potential Partners in ways that clarify our current choices. In other words, let us see how this pain can now inform us of better choices rather than refusing to learn from each Connection.

The three belief structures of Romance, Motives, and Love particularly support us operating in Lust because we are able to distance our self from the relationship choices we are making. By using the romantic caretaking tactic, we are able to seduce others into believing we care about them. If we really do not care about them, it preserves the option as to whether or not to get sexual with them. Seduction requires that we Intellectually manipulate the circumstances to provide the Illusion that we care. All we really want is to explore the potential of whether or not we are attracted to this person. When we operate in a seductive way, we believe we are protecting our self, when in fact we are denying any authentic Feelings. As long as we maintain the potential to idealize a person’s appearance, we can use Lust to promote an Unconscious sexual response without Feeling responsible for what occurs. Lust allows us to concentrate on certain aspects of our Partner so as to prevent us from engaging the larger possibilities of who they are.

It is our preoccupation with our own image and others’ response to us, that keeps us from seeing our own selfish animalistic nature. See diagram Related LustBeliefs.What we Unconsciously seek is titillation and Fantasy that will never end. This requires that we do not upset the status quo by attempting to make it real if it will diminish our Fantasy. The titillation is always about how others will see us in the way we wish to be seen. While we of course will have a physical and Feeling response to this Experience, it is most critical that we believe that they want us, particularly when they do not. When we are in Lust, we see ourselves through the eyes of others. This creates a sense of expansion because we do not Experience the self-condemnation or self-denial we typically Experience. The Illusion of their vision of us, while seductive, does provide us a sense of power in our ability to influence others. As long as they believe they need us, we have the power to influence them to fulfill our needs. Since we do not take responsibility for fulfilling our own needs, it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that the only way to succeed is to manipulate others to do it for us.

The real issue is that we feel disconnected from our body and so do not accept our own Sensations and Feelings as they are. We either try to over-possess and over-define our Sensations and Feelings by losing ourselves in them completely or we feel unable to grasp them at all. In effect, there is no “us” in the Experience. We have lost ourselves in the Experience to the extent that we do not feel we could recreate it at will. Any Conscious Experience can be recreated within ourselves at our choosing. The irony is that is hard to distinguish between the memory of an experience and the true experience. It is the denial of parts of our Experience that drives us to try to recreate past incomplete Experiences. If we were able to complete some of these Experiences, we would no longer be attached to them. This is greatly amplified if we grew up in a religious environment where our Sensations and Feelings were judged as animalistic and unclean. As a result, we have a lot of incomplete or disowned Sensations and Feelings that reflect our guilt about our Desires. It is ironic that judging our self in this way only reinforces the disconnection we Experience with our body and reinforces our neediness.

Lust denies who we are as Creative Beings.It facilitates our animal nature. When we are Unconscious, we vacillate between two extremes. The first is to artificially pretend to be attracted and to use our physique and personality characteristics to amplify whatever desire others feel about us. In this way, we attract Attention to see what they really want and determine if we really want it, too. In this process, it is easy to get lost in our own detachment and become jaded and hardened to any true responsiveness within us. The second is to reinforce our naiveté and innocence by letting ourselves become infatuated that our Partner will release us from our Unconscious, self-inflicted pain. We want them to connect to our Fantasy so they will operate in exactly the way we think would affirm us. Usually this reflects how we were discounted, denied, or misunderstood in previous relationships. When others fulfill these apparent requirements, it gives us permission to surrender to the process. In effect, their affirmation of us keeps us from being critical about the choice we are making. Each time we seek a more sophisticated way of validating their love of us. What we want is to be convinced (through their Lust for us) that we will not be hurt again. If they can do this, even in the short term, it allows us to accept whatever pleasure we receive.

It is the repression we have experienced in our upbringing around physical Sensations and Feelings that reinforces the idea that we have to choose between these two extremes. Unconsciously, we operate believing in the scarcity of pleasure and typically will do anything to avoid the pain of our everyday existence. We also believe we deserve whatever pleasure we can get because our everyday life is dull and unfulfilling. The more repressed we have been about the choices we made sexually, the more likely we are to fall into patterns of Lust, so we can believe we really had no choice. We can validate this by considering how much we justify whether the choices we made fulfilled our bodily needs. Whenever we say our body needs to have some Connection, it is because we have denied our Creativity and other higher ways of connecting with others. This leads us to believe we need sex as a way to feel Balanced within our self.

It is part of our inner design that when we are disconnected from our Creative Self, our biology drives us to confront our repression by being more sexually active. Our healing process, therefore, is to learn to be more present with our body Sensations and their reflected Feelings so we are able to fully Experience pleasure without being attached to it in any way. This is why more sex is sometimes not more fulfilling. What we really are seeking is a quality Experience that refines, uplifts, and supports us in being creatively who we are. Most of the time, our Lust propels us into Unconscious patterns where we are unable to assimilate the Experience and so feel more incomplete, unfulfilled, and empty than ever. The more Conscious we become about this process, the easier it is to see how one Partner needs to believe their infatuation with us will make this relationship different than their previous ones. Usually, the other Partner is unwilling to contribute and protects their self so they do not have to be present simultaneously in Sensations and Feelings. For Lust to be an ongoing process, these two patterns need each other.

Lust is commonly Thought of as a hunger or craving for self-indulgent, sexual Connection. This reflect its true purpose, which to ensure the continuation of the species by providing a mechanism that guarantees an interest in reproductive behavior. If would be healing to view it in the opposite way, that of preventing authentic, Conscious Connection so we can appreciate our actual choice to sexually connect. Ultimately, what we really want is to be seen and accepted without making our interactions a performance. We do not want others to love us for what we do or do not do, but rather who we are and how we are energetically able to Consciously meet each other. One issue that arises is how many attractions are externally condemned by society in a way that keeps us from even exploring our inner Truth about our attractions. It also leads to reactive behavior whereby we have to prove our attraction(s) can be accepted by our Partner, even if society will not do so. Many Western religions see Lust as a corruption of temperance and, therefore, condemn it as a vice. The problem is we have to own our Lust and see it as part of our humanity in order to transcend its corrupting influence.

Another Paradox about Lust is that our distancing from our self makes us more susceptible to believing the superficial appearances of others over our own inner knowing. Most of the time we realize that something is not aligned, but we make excuses and deny our inner knowing in order to maintain Connections with people who may have the potential to fulfill us. From both points of view, Lust is more about maintaining the Illusion of our Availability so we will not have to confront the reality that we no longer want to be responsible for the sexual choices in our life. Instead, it is easier to fall into cultural Beliefs about destiny and fate than to actually believe in our natural ability to attract someone that can meet us. This is why people want to know about the degree of our Lust we had for our Partner when we first met them. It is easy to believe this passion reflects the maximum degree of responsiveness and responsibility we can have in our life. We carefully preserve the Illusion that we are available by focusing on maintaining our outer appearances so we will not have to confront our inner Fears and our doubts that we really have the capacity to create and maintain a quality relationship.

The Paradox is that, when we are lectured about our responsibility, we feel others are judging our lack of responsibility. It is hard for us to hear that others have an interest and desire to affirm our attractions. These attractions, both external and internal, are part of us. They reflect our learning process. The Judgments and interpretations of others distance us from affirming our full attractions. We end up holding back our Truth about what is attractive to us in many circumstances because others will likely misinterpret it. This is why so many are caught up in short-term sexual interactions. The real problem is it reinforces our conditioning that we will be condemned for some attractions. From this perspective, it is easy to see that even showing our attractions to others is risky. Their response to us, even a Lustful one, is appreciated because it is better than the alternative, which is rejection.

Underlying this attachment to our image is the narcissistic view that our physical or personality image is what makes us attractive to others. As it is continually reinforced in our society, many people grow up believing their potential Partner possibilities are completely defined by their physical appearance. This creates the perspective that our attraction must be mutual, effortless, and a matter of “chemistry.” What this promotes is the Illusion that we are our biology and that we will continually seek out Partners who will reinforce our pursuit of pleasure. This is reflected in how we operate in the world. Either we are our biology and cannot control ourselves when fate intervenes or we are more than our biology and can Consciously see the down side and the cost to current relationships when we break our agreements. When we make the narcissistic choice of choosing our animal Desires over our creative definition of who we are, we are untrustworthy to both ourselves and to our Partners. The Conscious point of view where we can acknowledge our attractions and not feel compelled to act on them reflects that we are operating beyond our conditioning and past repression.

Healing ourselves requires us to learn how to be present with pleasure so that we no longer have to seek it. This means we must develop a Conscious relationship with our Sensations and Feelings and accept that others cannot define or limit our Experience. One of the major issues is the condemnation of masturbation. When we come to see that our Experience reflects our Truth and that we have an obligation as a co-creator in the world to participate fully, we will no longer wait for others to complete us. Making this shift requires us to engage the possibility that we can interpret our Experience in a way that supports our Growth. We must accept that we could be overdoing our pursuit of pleasure as well as repressing it. This means we must learn to keep a Balance between under- and over-doing it so as to our understanding of ourselves is maximized. This way it becomes obvious that, while repression does not work, over-satiation equally diminishes our Consciousness. The true purpose of attractions is to invite us to explore our Experience more deeply without becoming lost in the process.

The more Conscious we become, the more we see and Experience the subtlety of our Sensations. The important thing is not to become attached to the pleasure. Any attachment soon becomes an anticipation that mentally reduces and distances us from the pleasure that is present. Sensations are subtle energies that reflect either an expansion and an ownership of our Experience or a contraction or denial of it. Pain is an indication we are not being present to some Sensation. Pleasure is an indication we have something we need to understand in the Experience. Feelings are reflections of our Sensations and help us to define them. When we are no longer trying to control pain or limit our Feelings, it lets us learn from what is happening. We are able to organize our Experience in ways that serve our Growth. The Paradox is that, when we detach from pain and are repulsed by certain types of Feelings, we get stuck in a partial Experience that we then seek to recreate as a way to heal ourselves. Until we appreciate the Balance between under- and over-experiencing a situation, we cannot authentically grow.

The hidden denied belief is the default assumption that we operate from when we are Unconscious. This reflects the worst-case scenario where we are self-identified with our physical and Feeling needs and operate from our presumptions about what is occurring. This has been called, in spiritual traditions, Maya, because it reflects a complacency and Acceptance of the superficial over the deeper motivations and forces at work. It is easier to reaffirm our Beliefs in what we want to see than to examine our own issues and the issues of our Partner in their complexity. The core issue is the sloth and laziness that frequently occurs when we go into Fantasy-based relationships. Our unwillingness to confront the complexities of circumstances guarantees that we will attract and deal with only those options that mirror these outer concerns. For example, if we are unwilling to accept that we create our own pleasure in our life, it is likely that we will only attract people that cannot accept pleasure in their life. This complementary denial promotes a tremendous amount of titillation about what we want but a complete inability to grasp and be fulfilled by it.

The challenge is to be able to be present with our Sensations and Feelings to the degree that we can accept the Sensations and Feelings of others without being swept away in the process. In other words, we need to be able to be present with our own Sensations and Feelings so that the Sensations and Feelings of others will complement but not deny or distort our own Experience. Being present with another is a Consciousness raising Experience. It reflects that we have mastered the ability to be present in our own Experience. Many individuals become scared and shut down when presented this opportunity. This is because they have adopted a motive of Lust where they seek sex as a way to affirm themselves rather than honor who they are creatively. Conscious individuals are able to be present with their own Experience and therefore see themselves as authors of the interpretation of their own Experience. This means that the Experience of others can enrich their interpretation but will not primarily affect their interpretation.

The key is to learn how to be present with ourselves so we can be present with our Partners. This means that we need to step beyond the Lustful distancing and Fantasy-building that occurs and see the natural Beauty and unique attractiveness of the person we are with on all levels. Instead of objectifying the Partner, we need to be able to affirm their creative uniqueness energetically with us. This means that we have to let go of artificial ways we enhance our Instinctive process to seek pleasure and affirm that it is our creative Connection that is the source of our true attraction to each other.
These artificial ways are substitutes for the actual Experience of love that we use to convince ourselves that others love us. Sometimes it is the way that an individual is sexual with us, other times it is a physical attribute that makes it possible for us to desire them.

Reliability, stability and consistency are Instinctive attractions that reflect a person’s temperament. We either feel comfortable and drawn to someone’s personality or not. This often reflects physical characteristics and/or associations that make us feel safe with an individual. It can also indicate our perceptions of their Commitment to care for us in the relationship. From this description, we can see our perception of reliability may not reflect the reality of another’s inner Experience. Hopefully, we are beginning to see that perceptions of attractions do not create Safety in itself, except in our own idea of the circumstances. Our interpretation of their behavior provides the framework for evaluating them as reliable, because we are trying to avoid past abandonment issues. The more we are locked into choosing reliability over sexiness and/or intelligence; it usually indicates we have been hurt in the past by unreliable Partners. Therefore, we are now willing to settle for less Excitement (sexiness and intelligence) in order to gain the Safety of a reliable Partner. Finally, our personality Connection is typically the last qualification we have on the Instinctive level. If we feel irritated or disconnected from our Partner on this level, it usually reflects the reality that the relationship will not last long, because most individuals cannot maintain a relationship without a positive image of their Partner.

If we find it difficult to live up to others expectations about being reliable it usually results in us trying to make being unreliable an attraction to others. This means we build it up and proudly tell others that we are not reliable and they have to deal with this problem if they want to deal with us. This is particularly true with Artisan or Harmonic Intelligence individuals who feel constrained by the way Reliability imposes a sense of conformity upon them. As a result, some of us who don’t own our own sense of reliability seek it out in a Partner that reinforces our inadequacies or we actively belittle others caught up in conformity expecting others to see our spontaneous nature as a gift to them. Where are we on this scale and how do we treat people that are consistently reliable versus those who are inconsistent in this expression. It is also possible that many of us are attracted to the bad boy or the bad girl images because our parents were so reactive to this type of expression. As teenagers it is common to choose Partners that will most piss our parents off. It’s time now to take ownership for engaging these issues directly, rather than Thinking our rebellion is actually our truth.

The Primary Problem that Keeps Growth From Occurring

It is the fear of being different from others that is behind our inability to grow in more wholesome ways. The more we do what is expected by others, the more we are defined in terms of what others want us to be, the less we are able to be ourselves. This begins in childhood when our parents want us to be good by following their rules. It is easy to see how we loose ourselves in the process of doing what others want us to do, when underneath all of this we are screaming to be seen in our own creative way of engaging life. Being different makes us stand out in ways that are not comfortable, initially, for us. Many times, we associate this kind of Attention with being selfish or self-centered. These are all preconceptions that keep us from exploring and expanding our natural range of expression.


The primary goal that we learn from our parents is to fit in and get along with others. Before we really know what is authentic for us, we need to be able to reject the assumptions of our childhood. We have to be able to challenge the Beliefs about what is good and right in order to find out what is true internally for us. While other people may be fearful that this will lead to a life of crime, more likely the opposite is true; where we learn to honor our own goodness and increase our capacity to see what is good in others, so will we manifest our higher aspirations more clearly.


Finally, we end up choosing friends based on how much we are in natural agreement about the world. This helps us to feel safe and secure because they won’t challenge us to be more than who we present ourselves to be. We are attached to how they see us, as well as the belief that we need them to confirm our goodness. It is important that, if we haven’t yet explored this possibility, to actually choose friends who do not reinforce our Imprinting and expectations, so we can question the assumptions and frameworks we have held so strongly. Instead of judging others for their differences, it is important to learn how to engage these areas of non-agreement with compassion, Appreciation and understanding that our life does not have to mirror their life. In this way, we heal our fear of being different and can see that being different is a natural way that the Universe helps us to focus on making a unique contribution. We have to learn to thrive in diversity.

Now, let us engage and bring together our fears, desires and creativity to discover the oneness in our inner and outer lives. Let us remember our initial experience of enlightened oneness as infants. Let us re-experience the freedom, joy and empowerment arising from congruence between our truth and behavior. Let us today imagine letting go of our pretenses and defenses to become whole and complete within. This is the time to re-connect with our higher creative source and express our best, noble truths so we can create a world that works for everyone.

Summary: By healing our defensive positions and attachments that lead to the discounting of our inner masculine and feminine we can heal the polarization that creates fear and personality desire. Personality desire is the instinctive belief that we need the support of others to maintain our safety and security. Personality desire leads us to attempt to maximize our own development by minimizing the development of others. This approach unconsciously sets us up to limit our growth by defining ourselves in terms of others. When our motives are compromised, we only do things for others when we can get something in return. By not seeing beyond ourselves, we cannot align to the higher opportunities around us. Each of these nights will engage the paradox behind these masculine and feminine distortions and will permit us to unify our inner split so we can act with more wholeness, acceptance and love in the world. May we find and empower the one creative spirit that beats in every heart.

Essential Questions:
            What Keeps Us Entangled When Enlightenment Is Just Around The Corner?
            How Do We Typically Grow? How Do We Protect Our Growth?
            What Is The Cost Of Defensive Growth?
            How Can We Grow Non-Defensively In An Enlightened Way?

What Keeps Us Entangled When Enlightenment is Just Around the Corner?
Believing we need to protect ourselves when actually, protection only invites attack.
Operating from our history that causes us to repeat it.
Not knowing how to accept and work with differences in others.     
Fear of losing ourselves in uncomfortable similarities with others.
Using expectations and imprinting to create a false sense of safety and security.

Growth

Growth requires that we honor both our Aliveness and Wisdom. It is our perspective that we are all part of an evolutionary design where we attempt to refine and develop greater awareness of our environment in order to serve it. This requires us to go beneath our self perceived roles and engage in live directly so that we see that we have a choice about how to live life. The more we are defined by our past or idealized future, the less our grown is a Conscious one. Initially we grow in our interactions with others and eventually we begin to see where we can make a difference and contribute uniquely. This reflects how we have accepted Growth as a necessity in our life to be fulfilled. The more we Consciously engage Growth the less we feel at the effect of life itself. It is common to feel that our choices affect the quality of our life and give us breathing room to explore how we want to contribute.


When we deny Aliveness or Wisdom, no Growth is possible, as we are stuck in Pretenses and Defenses that keep us from being Conscious about our lack of evolution. Conscious Growth means that we choose the lessons we are learning because we are able to tell our truth and be present with the truth of others. When we are Defensively positioned, we use Undirected Growth, which utilizes chaos to create options, or Over-Directed Growth, which uses structure and order to establish a path of action. Undirected Growth avoids plans and evokes possibilities by exploiting whatever comes up in the situation to move forward. Over-Directed Growth utilizes goals and stated Intentions to guide the choices we make in ways that are typically systematic and predictable. Any imbalance of chaos and order amplifies tension and can easily upset each other. Truly Conscious Growth occurs when we engage both chaos and order equally. Unconscious Growth is the result of being over identified with Gender Identity lessons that we cannot transcend because the problems are self-referencing.


When we are operating in the process of Unconscious Growth we are letting the outer world dictate our lessons and choices. During this process we are developing greater responsiveness despite the fear and Inertia we Experience about making our own chooses. What we are most attached to is the appearance that we can take care of ourselves. This reflects the fact that we are playing a role where our Masculine and Feminine energy is denied. We begin to engage our Masculine by doing over directed Growth where we try to establish a structure for decision making and create a sense of orderliness so that we feel comfortable in engaging the process. Another option is to engage our Feminine by doing undirected Growth where we try to keep things loose and unstructured so that we can invite possibilities to show up that were beyond our previous expectations. It is not until we can engage both the Masculine and Feminine simultaneously that we are able to Consciously grow and connect in every situation.

Conscious Growth is the ability to select, transmute and transform life and relationship lessons by reinterpreting difficulties into Conscious creative opportunities. This enables us to create solutions that reflect our creative nature. Conscious Growth is the integration of the Masculine Intent of Aliveness and the Feminine Intent of Wisdom to embody our full authentic Intention. When we can embody these aspects of our Self, while simultaneously distancing our Self enough to keep from being overwhelmed by the roles of either Masculine or Feminine Intent, we can see the bigger picture. Accepting our Masculine and Feminine creative nature allows us to make choices that are not conditioned or defensively compromised. The benefit of Conscious Growth is knowing that we have the Freedom to choose how and when to engage people. Sabotaging our Self by the Acceptance of Guilt is the main obstacle to Conscious Growth.

The quality of Growth invites us to learn from our challenges and mistakes as we become Conscious of the consequences of our choices. Every obstacle helps us become clearer and more powerful as we discover what is critical to the Joyful manifestation of our Creative Being. We maximize our Growth by planning our path but remain willing to change course as larger opportunities arise. The more we mutually engage Aliveness and Wisdom, the greater charisma we generate, which is a mixture of Mastery and Mystery. As a result, Growth encourages the development of confidence and self-assurance as we discover that our evolution naturally guides us. Our expanding engagement of our Life both stretches us and supports our happiness. We enjoy life the most when we challenge our Self to overcome the obstacles in front of us. In this way, Growth reminds us that our transpersonal Experiences of Aliveness, Wisdom, and Awareness are only possible when we go beyond our personal Safety and Security frameworks.

As long as we do not embody Gender Identity skills, we continue to be trapped by the Mystery of Gender Identity differences. It is easy to fixate on being seen and accepted on a primal Instinctive level and not recognize the larger opportunities for pleasure in a relationship. Otherwise, all relationships require considerable effort, for we Unconsciously believe we have to manage the perceptions of others about us. Until we recognize that creating these outward physical associations and getting them confirmed in our Partner is our way to construct a sense of identity, we will continue to be at the effect of others’ views of us. When we are struggling to define our Self, it sometimes seems easier to believe what others think of us. If we disagree with their perceptions, it seems difficult to change their perspective.

This leads us to seek out new relationships where we can influence other’s perceptions of us. The challenge occurs when, over time, others agree we are some particular way that makes us feel uncomfortable. For example, if many individuals suggest to a young girl that she is plain, when she views herself as distinctive. If she gives up her inner perspective of her Beauty, she will become plain and externally defined. Not believing in her Self, she could feel she needs considerable makeup to overcome her newly acquired deficiency. Unfortunately, this situation where others do not see our inner qualities and we are commonly led to believe we need to acquire artificial ways of enhancing our attractiveness occurs frequently.

The more we believe the artificial extensions of our attractiveness, the more we are fixated at the Gender Identity level. True Growth occurs when we are able to see both the Masculine and Feminine qualities within each of us. As Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” suggests, until we fully embrace one level, we have no room to explore higher possibilities. By over-identifying with physical differences, we superficially objectify our Partners because we do not see or accept the deeper meaning of being with them. It is a good investment of our time to examine our assumptions about what it means to be a man orwoman, so we can release our Self from the baggage of society’s Beliefs about us. Exploring the Mystery of Gender Identity issues pushes us in the direction of expressing our natural creative contribution.

It is important to engage the Mystery of how we consist on an Intellectual level of both Masculine and Feminine elements. The problem arises when we accept ourselves physically as either exclusively Masculine or Feminine. This limited outer perception can actually inhibit the development of inner qualities that we need to successfully individuate ourselves. For example, if we are physically female and become identified with our Feminine Gender Identity role, we may not individuate ourselves from others and become trapped in conformance behavior. If we are physically male and become identified with our Masculine Gender Identity role, we may disassociate from our father and end up over-identifying with our mother, which would create the same result as example of the woman above. It is critical that we do not cut our Self off from our internal Experience, as this will stymie our Growth process considerably.

Using the skills structure we could say that men have traditionally developed the first two steps of Aliveness and then proceeded to engage Wisdom on the top two levels. Women, of course, have done the opposite by initially developing Wisdom, and later developing Aliveness. It is now possible to develop Aliveness and Wisdom on each level to optimize our development and Growth. This would appear to invalidate much of the gender role-playing that currently takes place.  One of the signs of Conscious development is when women develop strong Autonomy skills and men demonstrate strong Intimacy skills. While we do consider Aliveness the Masculine polarity and Wisdom the Feminine polarity, we also appreciate how Conscious men move from Aliveness to Playfulness to Intuitive Discrimination and Physical Discernment. Conscious women move from Wisdom to Personality Detachment to Paradox to Mutual Learning. This, of course, has been the traditional development process which now can be Consciously expanded.

Unconscious Pre-Personal Growth: Enhancing Survival (food, shelter, warmth and procreation), disconnected from source, unengaged on both Masculine and Feminine levels, protecting everything – behavior, appearances, Emotions or Thoughts. Pre-personal Growth actually contains a fear of change. We seek to keep everything the way we know will work for us. Taking this position encourages us to live from our expectations and Imprinting. Pre-personal Growth is primarily a fear-based place in which everything new is challenged and attacked. Pre-personal indicates that we have not fully accepted ourselves as an independent creative human being. Instead, we merge with others to guarantee our Survival. We are also highly sensitive to the reactions of others, knowing that change occurs when people reach the limits of their frustration. Sometimes we revisit this position after having been hurt by others. One primary indication of this position is spending time fantasizing, hoping things will be different instead of acting in a way that creates new opportunities.


When we are operating from a pre-personal Growth position, we are overly focused on the Intent of what is going on around us. We tend to read meaning into everything that happens. We usually take the Unconscious actions of others personally, believing others are not as innocent as they pretend to be. We particularly suspect those who use our lack of understanding of details to make us wrong. We also suspect those who shift the Context of discussions whenever things are not going well for them. Over time, we become very persevering at doing our own thing. We learn to ignore or put off the suggestions of others about how we can improve our lives and circumstances. This makes us feel more independent.

Over-Directed Growth: Predefining structure, Content and Intention before exploring options (accentuates the Masculine, denies the Feminine). We act strong by covering up and denying our Feminine side. We hide our fear by attempting to discount anything that does not feel right or may lead to us Feeling vulnerable. Our Intention is to scare others into redefining themselves so they will do what we think is right. Actually, this predisposition is full of bluster and, if confronted directly, individuals doing this position will back off. This is because they Respect clarity and directness. The good thing about taking this position is that we are identifying with our Masculine side, which means we feel that we have a voice. The bad side is that we have not learned to show our vulnerability or engage others in soft and loving ways. Our Achilles’s heel is that we do not see an upside in chaos. Chaos brings regeneration and greater unification if it is supported in a way that facilitates Growth.


When we are operating from an over-directed Growth position, we are overly focused on the Content of what is going on around us. We tend to think that without details things aren’t complete, which means we can’t do anything right now. We also tend to discount others when they don’t have the details. We seek a clarity that comes from knowing what we are going to do. When others do not have this clarity, we incorrectly assume they will not take action until they understand the situation. This creates reactions with others that are more Context and Intent focused. Context people grow by shifting their view of what is possible. To us, this seems like a distraction from what we initially intended to make happen. Intent people question their determination if nothing occurs, which looks like to us as if they are not really committed to the process. We invalidate the Growth process of both of these types of individuals and tend to accentuate our own.

Undirected Growth: Exploring Contextually without structure, Content, or Intention allows individuals in this position to be receptive (accentuates the Feminine, denies the Masculine). From this position we discount any predisposition of how things are by articulating the premise that predefining things limits their expression. Therefore, we attempt to work in a consensus way to articulate possibilities and see how they manifest spontaneously. Surprising to some, this approach works just as well as over-directed Growth, because both are polarized and thereby eliminating the co-operation and synergy that could come from putting both together. The good side of undirected Growth is that we are embracing our Feminine side, and therefore, we are open to possibilities. The bad side is that we have not yet embraced the natural order within us so that we deny external structure around us.


When we embrace an undirected Growth position we Trust that what is needed will arise as needed. The more we are attached to the belief that structure and order limit our expressions, the more we believe predefining things only makes things more complicated. This originates from the idea that other people’s order is our disorder. In fact, many of us in this position believe that having any order sets us up to be attacked by others who have strong predefined structures. Usually this belief is given validity when we deal with over-directed Growth individuals who try to make us act in ways that serve them and not us. When we make any comparison between our structure and theirs, we show up poorly because we always Trust their framework over ours. We feel that being defined in those terms would cause us to lose our spontaneity.

Mutual Growth: The more we can embrace Content, Context, and Intent in equal ways, the more we naturally recover our ability to honor our own Growth process. The step before Mutual Growth is to realize that we can transcend our defensive conditioning about Growth. It takes us recognizing that we have a choice to realize that we can grow in ways we don’t currently believe. The more we release ourselves from past Judgments about Content, Context, and Intent, particularly with our parents, the more Freedom we will Experience to engage things in our own way at our own time. As a result we will cease to define our Growth in terms of others, which means we can then Consciously choose to engage others mutually. One way of accomplishing this is to see how everything evolves around us. Until we are able to isolate our Growth from others and honor our own way of being, whatever choice we make will not be real because, Paradoxically, it will not be aligned or organized in terms of what is going on around us.


For Growth to be supported by the world around us, we must first be able to observe neutrally how life is being supported around us. The more we can get into the rhythm of life by participating in activities, we can start to see how different activities connect us to ourselves and to others simultaneously. This indicates that our Growth and the Growth of others synchronized for this time. While it is easier to align with people, occasionally we Experience a creative flow and Alignment in certain activities we perform, particularly in nature. We call this Experience Mutual Growth because it requires us to be aligned before we Experience the Freedom and grace of an expansion in Consciousness.


Mutual Growth requires that we Consciously choose to participate in the process going on outside us. Many individuals have never Experiences Mutual Growth because either we have not individuated our Experience or because we resist being in sync with anyone. When we are not individuated, we can Experience Instinctive Alignments where things happen randomly, but otherwise our lack of Conscious Participation keeps Connections passive and encourages Unconscious merging. When individuals grow out of the pre-personal stage, we try to personalize our Growth by doing everything ourselves. Our inward focus keeps us from aligning with others. The more we try to maximize our Growth without others, the more our Growth is retarded. See diagram Barriers to Mutual Growth

Eventually, we learn that it is through connecting with others using Context, Content and Intent, that we are Consciously able to transform our Growth process. We learn that our personal Growth can only be optimized by engaging others in the right time and place. It is important to operate in Alignment with the Cycles of Growth. This means that there are times of personal assimilation and understanding that are interspersed with times of Mutual Growth. We learn to appreciate how our inner and outer Growth Cycles complement each other. In other words, our personal Growth can deepen because we have had the Experience of Mutual Growth, and vice versa.

When we see how supporting the Growth of others optimizes our own Growth, we no longer resist either giving or receiving. The more we are present in our internal Growth process, the more we know how and when to synchronize with others. We seek ways to meet others energetically by honoring our Context, Content and Intent for our Connection. This means we share a common perspective and want to create a common understanding so we can do something in Alignment with each other. When we meet others in this way with higher Motives, our perspectives expand, and we can explore Universal Intent. We empower and expand this possibility using Common Neutral Ground to connect Consciously through a common Context, are open and non-judgmental about our ideas and are willing to explore a common purpose.

Three simple requirements underlie Mutual Growth. Context provides the framework for mutual understanding. Without common Context, we do not connect energetically. Common Content results from having similar question we are trying to answer. How we organize ourselves to answer these questions together allows us to share and develop common resources. Hopefully, this leads to a common purpose, which usually is a Commitment to take some action together. This requires us to be aligned on all three levels in order to maximize our ability to Experience Mutual Growth. If we have different World View levels, it is likely that neither of us will be able to share a common Context. If we have Scholar energy or are Think First, it is likely that we have a proficiency in creating common Content. If we have Warrior orKing energy, or are Act First or Second, it is likely that we are highly proficient in creating common Intent. The more we are imprinted around different communication processes, the more likely we will be shut down and incapable of bringing these three elements together.

Our wholeness in doing Growth arises from recognizing that we can grow in three ways. The first way is by enlarging our Context, by expanding the scope of our engagement and seeing things in a bigger way.The second way is by deepening our understanding of the process that allows us to manipulate the Content better. The third way is by clarifying our purpose or Intention so we are marshaling our resources toward result. Many of us currently look at Growth as one of these three but not all of these three. Until we can embrace all of these frameworks we have no way of balancing our own inner Growth process. As a result we take positions about how our Growth is better than other people’s Growth not realizing how much we are compromising ourselves.

There are three steps to healing our ability to engage Context. The first step is to become more relaxed and present with the fact that we have a Context for everything in our lives. The Context is the container in which we operate so that when we engage things we have the space to consider all the possibilities. The more we can accept the Presence of this energetic container and not deny it, the easier it will be for us to affect things in the world. On the other hand, the more we don’t want to see the Context of a situation and the more we invalidate the Contextual frameworks of things, the less influence we will have on the world. The more we need others to validate our Context the more we eliminate our own truth and conform to them, creating obstacles again to being present with ourselves. This, of course, is the second step that is to see how we can include others in our Context so that we can work together on various problems. When we can link our Context and their Context together we can do mutual problem solving. It is critical that we don’t require them to see the problem our way for this becomes an obstacle to accepting our own truth. Finally, the third step is to be able to speak about our own Context for the problem as a way of initiating new Growth possibilities with others. Until we are able to be Conscious of the Context we hold for any particular issue this will not be possible.

The first step in healing ourselves on a Content level is recognizing that we have the details we need. Whenever we are engaging a process there is a structure to interacting. Details and concepts are a part of that structure. The more we can relax into the structure and allow the structure to support us, the more effective we will be at organizing our own Thought processes. The more we are not able to embrace the structure the more likely we have Imprinting from our parents about not understanding what is going on which therefore limit our ability to move and flow with these different Intellectual frameworks. The second step for healing out ability to be present with the Content is to not define ourselves in terms of another’s Content. The more we need others to validate our Content, the more we’re caught up in a situation where we are denying our own Content. What we need to do is to Balance the importance our Content with his or her Content and accept our own truth over anyone else until we discover our new truth within ourselves. The third level of healing Content is to realize we can use it to initiate Growth in others and ourselves by deepening our perceptions of our truth; by sharing our Content with others. The more we can engage Content with others without losing ourselves or denying what they say, the more we will have mastered the area of Content exchange. This will enable us to clarify our Growth and work together with others.

The first step in healing ourselves on an Intent level is realizing that we can be present with our own Intentions and not get reactive when others have Intentions that are different from us. Instead we can recognize that the purposes of others around us can help us clarify our own purpose. The opportunity is to accept that we are the only ones that can refine or define our purpose. This allows us to see that we don’t have to define ourselves in terms of others if it does not serve our highest Intention. While we may be used to accepting purposes outside of ourselves without having them be aligned within us, it is not effective to do this. The more we use the purpose of others externally to validate us, the less likely we are operating authentically within ourselves. As a result our motivation is severely undermined. The second level of healing, therefore, is to be able to listen to our own truth and seek places to operate where our truth can be honored. The third level of healing is to recognizing that we can initiate larger possibilities with others if we are able to communicate and invite others to participate in things which we believe are worthy group endeavors. The key issue of course is to make sure that others aren’t compromising themselves or their purpose in this process. It is important to realize that when people are not aligned with us they actually drain us energetically and diminish our ability to create bigger results.

Using Intuitive Discrimination that is confirmed by synchronicity allows us, with others, to define ways that will work for everyone (honors appropriately both Masculine and Feminine, denying nothing). Mutual Growth is only possible when we accept and understand our own Growth process. We identify this Personal Space as a Conscious Growth process because we are choosing how to deal with things that works for us. When we know what works for us, it is easier to interact with others in their Growth in a way that compromises neither one of us. Ultimately, the greatest Joy we can have is to learn to do things in ways that compromises no one. When we get into Intensity, it indicates that we are competing with each other and we are either doing undirected or over-directed Growth.

What is the Cost of Defensive Growth?

Inertia, Sabotage, Confusion, Intensity and Pain

Inertia: Un-addressed Conflicts in Growth lead to stalemate, fear and boredom. We would rather have these Experiences than to have change occurring in a way that is unknown. What we are unconsciously choosing is to protect ourselves in a way that is like an ostrich with his head in the ground.

Sabotage: Occurs when we work against ourselves or when others work against us because of inner and outer Conflicts. These Conflicts around Growth show up as opposing options and which are shot down or discounted by others around us. Sometimes it is our own doubt about what we could do in a situation that causes us not to engage a Growth process. This is when self-sabotage is the biggest problem.

Confusion: Maximized when we operate from Pretenses and defenses and begin to believe our own Fears and defensive lies. Many times we don’t want to listen to others because half of what they are saying is true. The problem is that, the more polarized we get in our defenses, the more we enjoy knocking others off Balance. This is one of those ugly pleasures that reduce our ability to grow effectively.

Intensity: Is generated by comparing ourselves with our ideals of who we should be or how we are better than others around us. Ultimately it is self-defeating because we get burned out. It also diminishes hope and faith in our future.

Pain: The purpose of pain is to reconnect us, which presupposes that we are disconnected. This disconnection occurs when we are not honoring our own Creativity and feel that others have more power over us. It indicates that we need to find ways to be ourselves and to express our truth that they cannot deny or discount. Ironically, this requires that we not be attached to getting their approval. The more we do our Pretenses and defenses and believe in them, the more they will be able to frustrate our efforts. The result, of course, is pain.

How Can I Grow Non-Defensively, in an Enlightened Way?

Unconscious Pre-personal Growth requires that we become familiar with and accept our Masculine and Feminine sides. This means we need to leave the Safety and Security of pre-established roles. For many Distant individuals, this requires engaging others more directly in authentic and wholesome ways. When we begin to experiment with over-directed and undirected Growth, it allows us to develop and Experience the inner and outer core of our being simultaneously. The problem is that we are not connected within ourselves to our spirit and our physical outer expression. The result is confusion and self-doubt. Until we take ownership and personal responsibility for our inner (leading to Undirected Growth) or outer (leading to Over-directed Growth) stimulus reaction mechanisms, we cannot truly choose our Growth process on a Conscious level.

Over-directed Growth individuals need to learn to embrace undirected opportunities and Experience spontaneous, unplanned, creative processes to engender possibilities we could not pre-plan. Eventually, we learn to move between the two worlds of Over-Directed and Undirected Growth by discovering the reciprocal nature of order and chaos working together. This leads us to internally balance our inner Masculine and Feminine, preparing us for engaging others in a mutual way. The problem is that Over-directed Growth individuals tend to miss spontaneous opportunities or not be able to adjust when environmental factors quickly change. When there is a balanced approach, synergy will be the result.

Undirected Growth individuals need to learn how to embrace structure, purpose and Intention to empower our Masculine sides by confronting our Fears of being accountable to external authorities and discovering our true inner power. This allows us to Balance outer and inner ways of operating and become more capable of working with others and seeing them as perfect just the way they are. Instead, we tend to reinforce our position by discounting others who take charge, by pointing out the flaws in their plans or implementation. The problem for Undirected Growth individuals is that we tend not to take action, which actually demonstrates that we are better critics than personal risk-takers.

Mutual Growth individuals have discovered their inner capacity to grow in both Masculine and Feminine ways and no longer need to protect any particular way of operating. They use synchronistic Experiences where their inner interests show up in the outer world and when outer world events invite them to grow in inner ways to facilitate overall Growth. The more adaptable and flexible they become in accomplishing their objectives the more they realize that they don’t have to be attached to the form or outer appearances of what is going on. Mutual Growth not only means that we are more willing to invite others to participate in our Growth process, but that our own inner process is a mutual one that honors our inner and outer Growth opportunities.

Background Reading

There are three things we need to do to engage our Growth consciously. The first step is to honor our own path, first and foremost. This means recognizing that, if we don’t honor ourselves, we will never be able to make an authentic contribution to others. Until we can separate our own natural impulses from our need to please others, we do not know what is authentically in our path to engage. Cutting our own path means going where others have not gone before. It takes being willing to engage things in new ways before we really know what we are capable of. Usually, initially, it takes some energy and effort to step outside of the boundaries of what has been done before. It is important that we aspire to find our own way of engaging a process. By going in the path of least resistance, we end up reinforcing our fears of not amounting to anything with the fears of others that we will never be anything.

What we need to recognize is that their image of us doesn’t necessarily reflect our path or direction. In fact, it is more likely that their image of us reflects our fears of what we need to do. In other words, if a fear is keeping us from doing something that we want to contribute, it is important that we engage that process in order to discover if this fear is covering up a true affirmation of our being. Breaking out of our comfort zone allows us to engage our natural Aliveness so that our masculine side can be brought into play. Engaging our Wisdom allows us to bring our feminine side into the process so we can reflect on what works or doesn’t work for us. With both of these energies, we achieve a balance between doing what we need to do to keep moving and understanding what we have accomplished. This is because the directness of the masculine needs the self-reflection of the feminine to best facilitating our growth process. We call this a cycle of growth because it has self-reflection, action and then self-reflection about that action.

With reflection and awareness about the true nature of defenses, we can eventually acknowledge that they actually inhibit discovering who we really are. Instead, our fears from childhood and instinctive learning patterns prevent us from ever honestly examining how we present ourselves to the world. Typically, most do not look beyond superficial appearances, accepting hopelessness and confusion as their destiny. Recognizing the early compromises that we made to gain the acceptance of others is the first test of our ability to use this compatibility information effectively.


we accept our true essential way of being, natural motivation increases and the degree we self-sabotage decrease dramatically. This is due to the level of inner conflict present in our confusion about who we are. To a large degree, the ways we try to be accepted by others are actually the same reactive, mirror image concerns of how we are afraid to be unfairly judged, put in a box or labeled by others. This is how we become convinced of the need to create our own prisons, rather than letting others do it in ways that are less desirable.

The second step to Conscious Growth is to learn how to identify and accept our true lessons. This means we need to learn how to put together those actions which honor us into an overall theme or themes that reflect where we have the most use or passion. If the world is boring to us, it is because we are not engaging the lessons that would allow us to grow and transform ourselves. We need to learn to distinguish between those things that uplift us and those that are flat and have no juice. When we can see the patterns of what moves us forward, we can start to eliminate those things that have no deeper value for us. This is because we are only really motivated to do or develop what empowers our life contribution.

We are accepting our lessons when we are able to articulate the themes in our life that interest us the most. We learn how to come out of ourselves and redefine what we know we could contribute around our lessons. This expansion process occurs when we are able to challenge the assumptions of what we have done before, and to grow and experience the bigger possibilities that are in front of us. This means we have to honor our authentic way of being creative. It also means we have to release our attachments to our imprinting and the subconscious beliefs implanted by our parents or other caretakers about what we should contribute.

All attempts to ”be someone” arose from personal history, where we compromised ourselves by trying to be who others wanted us to be. This desire for acceptance trained us to do things we didn’t want to do and to smile while doing them. The first objective of compatibility self-examination is to separate who we are from who we believe we are. In other words, we distinguish who we are, naturally, without effort, from what we work to convince others we really are. Imprinting received from parents provides the primary patterning that should first be investigated, identified and freed internally through disassociation and disaffiliation. We accomplish this by identifying how our fears are predisposing us to do things for others that denies who we are. When we notice this, we look for the underlying pattern or connection and when we locate it, we feel how this belief has creatively denied who we are in our life. The more we can feel a sense of repulsion from it, the more we can free ourselves from the unconscious expectations behind it.

Typically, we learn to do things to be admired. If we weren’t admired, we learned to do things that would distance others from us. This disaffiliation process, either from us to our parents, or our parents from us, is actually a healthy separation process, as long as we don’t hang on to these defensive beliefs. Usually, this degree of separation encourages us to develop independent skills. These skills are learned, and do not represent natural qualities or spirit, so it is easy to make our life about fixing these perceived wrongs. In this situation, we become over-identified with our defenses, and try to create an upside to our defense, which is how we are going to fix or transform the world where these past hurts do not recur.

The third source of confusion comes from our acceptance (or lack of) in society, which is usually related to the job or role we perform. This is because every job has a perceived social rank attached to it. In other words, we may be in a job that doesn’t seem good enough for others, or we may be in a job where others exclude us because we are too good for them. All of this reduces our ability to see each other on creative levels. It also sets up situations where others marry us for the wrong reasons. Many individuals, fearing for their own safety and security, use these differences in “outer positions” as a way to justify their choices of partners. This is the third form of self-identification that can cover up who we really are. If we are in a job we do not love, then this is an indication that we need to examine our compatibility factors to discover what we naturally love to do, in alignment with our true contributions.

The third step toward Conscious Growth is when we are clear about our own contribution and, therefore, can invite the contribution of others around us. When we know who we are, it is easy to accept others and their authentic contribution. The more we are defensive, or the people we are interacting with are defensive, the less effective our interactions will be in terms of growth. This is because defensive individuals are not only the most identified with their image, but also they are also the most concerned about being seen for what they know, at the cost of others. The more we let go of positions, or trying to convince others of what they should do for us, the more we can engage them in creative and harmonious ways; this can lead to more effective partnerships. Conscious individuals can use the growth motivations of others to connect their own motivations to make things work more effectively. Individuals who need to prove themselves are not willing to reveal their self enough to have a conscious connection with others. This is because they feel too vulnerable.

Our skill at being with Growth and change leads us to explore how to relate beyond the defensive personality level. Discovering our deeper nature and operational patterning allows us to release ourselves from the imprinting and expectations of others. The confining nature of these boxes not only limits our freedom, but also reduces self-esteem and self respect by setting up the belief that we need this protection to survive. The payoff is a superficial (external) feeling of safety and security. Deconstructing these patterns reveals three reasons why we may want to re-evaluate the use of defenses. The first asks us to recognize that defenses only protect us for what we feared earlier in life, which may not be as important to us now. The second asks us to recognize that our skills are now more refined, allowing us to deal with many more issues without having to resort to defenses. The last asks us to recognize the limited effectiveness of defenses in protecting us from what we fear. The bottom line is that our fears and reactive responses both emphasize the problem and under-deliver on any solution.

The objective is to find out what our truth is. When we find it, there will be no reaction, effort or intensity. Instead of pride, fear or anxiety, identifying the appropriate pattern will generate feelings of clarity, serenity or calm. The breakthrough in Growth that leads to self-acceptance can occur through reading this material, but it is more likely to happen when you consciously seek to explain your unconscious, entangled behaviors. The more we seek to identify our behaviors without getting hung up on understanding them, initially, the more successful we will be. For example, a Fast Paced person could recognize that some individuals become exhausted and burned out around them over a period of time. A Convergent Decision-Making style feels constrictive to Divergent Decision-Making styles. Looking for signs of these common reactions amongst groups of friends can reveal both who we want to be and who we really are if we investigate more deeply.

The more we are conscious of how we operate, the less important, identified and attached we are to the behaviors of others. The more we are around others who are conscious of these factors; the less concerned we are about how they view or judge our behaviors. The result, paradoxically, is greater freedom in self-expression and greater understanding of who we really are (in others’ eyes). By detaching ourselves from habitually patterned methods of expression (as represented by our compatibility factors) and re-attaching self-identity to our primary creative expression our capability are enhanced.

Each stage of awareness is enhanced when inner alignment begins to reflect in our outer relationships. It is important to build from the inside out and from the top down in order to facilitate growth. We will be able to confirm that we are on the right path by our expanding ability to maintain a calm, clear, and energetic inner space despite external disturbances. Another guideline is the increasing ability to define ourselves in terms of a life purpose, where we create a more direct and personal path to finding our own pacing and rhythm.

Growth Meditation

Let us relax ourselves as we stand at ease. Please take a deep breathe, settling into our inner knowing and being. Center your weight between your feet and find a way to stand that consumes a minimum amount of energy. Allow your eyes to close as you go inside and pay attention to the energy in your body. If you are not anchored into the ground, imagine sending an energetic root deep into the earth beneath your feet. Settle into the lower part of your body and establish an on-going connection and feeling of well being that comes with being supported by the planet. If you are not linked to your spiritual possibilities, imagine sending an energetic pulse up through your body into the sky above your head. Seeif you can feel your connection to the universe as a whole. See yourself walking down a path in front of you where you able to see the opportunities and lessons before they occur. Imagine your Self-­-- choosing each step in exactly the right time. Consider how your whole life has lead up to this point where you now experience your choices. Feel the gratitude that arises when you can engage something appropriately. Experience both your presence and knowing guiding you to make the best choices.

Bring both of these energies together at the base of your spine in what we call the Root chakra. Feel your energy flow up and down through this point in your body. Imagine that you can breathe this energy down into the earth or follow your energy up your body and into the sky. Feel the energy move down your legs into the earth and then move that same energy back up your body through the base of your spine, up your back, and through your head. Now bring this energy down through your body and into the earth. Now imagine clearing out any final blockages at the base of your spine so that all your energy can flow easily through your Root chakra.

As you expand the size of this energy conduit, you might recognize the relaxation of expectations that you have or that others have about you. The more you are able to move the energy through this point, the greater freedom you may experience. What is the nature of the energy at the base of your spine? Let yourself flow with this energy for a moment. How does this energy relate to growth? The most important aspect of reconnecting to the earth and sky is seeing that we have support for our growth. Consider how present you feel… are you able to take charge and make things happen or do you feel more at ease just letting things happen?

How much do you feel you direct your growth? Are you normally passive with a tendency to resist change? Or do you try to covertly direct it without anyone noticing? Perhaps you feel best directing and defining every aspect of your growth. Another dimension is how conscious we are of our growth process. Can you notice a shift in energy in your root chakra when you shift the way you are growing? Lets imagine being very direct, clear and concise in a project that you are currently doing… does this shift your energy at the base of your spine? Lets imagine others defining the direction of growth in a project, creating opportunities for you to play off their structure and do things the way you want… does this shift your energy in your at the base of the spine?

See if your energy consolidates or moves down in the lower chakras the more directive you are in controlling your growth. Or, if your energy expands or moves up your body, the more un-directive and covert you are in using bank shots to protect your growth. Now let us see if we can combine these energies by unifying being directive with being open and responsive to new possibilities. Imagine growing with someone else by doing a project together. What if you could flow with others while you were able to direct your own inner growth process? How does this change the energy of your at the base of the spine? Can you feel the benefit of conscious growth with others? How is this energy different than how you generally feel when you grow? Are you more present and connected internally and externally? Do you like the openness and fluidity that comes with not taking a fixed position about growth? Take a snapshot so you will remember how it feels to be more open to growth. Take a moment to shake and stretch your muscles as you open you eyes and become more aware of the room and all the great people in it. Let us continue to explore the inner world of growth options and how we can align ourselves with our inner power.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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