Disnamic Defense Style

Dis-namic Defense Style individuals try to create a sense of safety and security by identifying and being who others want us to be. This means we have created a series of flexible perspectives and operate within a range of choices based on how others engage us. Since we fear the judgments of others and need to find a way to keep ourselves separate while keeping others happy, some of the justifications we create change quickly when we engage new people. The challenge, is to deal with others’ lack of understanding about how we change perspectives based on circumstance. Dealing with the confusion others have because they cannot predict our response or reaction, makes us seem to be a larger enigma. It is also difficult to not get into set patterns with certain individuals in our life based on how much we trust them. As a result, we tend to build upon what works, which reflects the limitations of how others see and accept us.

We seek a sense of openness in how we engage the world. Having different responses with different individuals creates a sense of freedom and a variety in our day to day existence. While we may seek to be consistent with each individual, there will always be times when new responses are introduced because of changes they make. If others assume we are fixed in our perceptions, then they are usually surprised and/or dismayed when these shifts occur. What we are doing is attempting to maintain a balance between being connected and preserving our own space. Naturally, if the behavior of others shifts, it creates a need for us to respond or react differently. If others change their expectations without informing us, it creates more tension and fear. The opposite is also true because our ability to change quickly can cause mistrust and fear in others, particularly Distant individuals. This is why a Dis-namic individual tries to be more incrementally fluid and take small steps, checking with others before proceeding. We can validate this by how much we observe others around us and watch for any signs of reaction. As soon as we notice a reaction, we are the first to talk about it and quickly change our course of action if we can see a way to neutralize it. How close we feel to someone is a direct reflection of how physically close we want to be with him or her. In other words, we get physically close when we trust someone, but create distance when we perceive unresolved conflicts. Every conflict consumes energy, resources and time, so we are constantly adjusting ourselves to minimize the expenditure of these resources while maximizing the results we seek.

When stressed, we distance ourselves leading to problematic relationships if it happens too often. The cost of continually attempting to read circumstances and adjust ourselves to the needs of others creates an overhead making it difficult for us to be social. Frequently we find ourselves getting overwhelmed when we are in groups for any length of time, because we cannot meet the needs of anyone when we are in this circumstance. This is why we prefer interactions with only one or two people because we can learn about ourselves and others, and engage in deeper ways. The key issue is that being Dis-namic allows us to be more fluid in our self-perceptions but causes greater opportunities to be misunderstood and not accepted by others. The desire for acceptance and the fear we will not ever be seen for who we are keeps us from relaxing. This hyper vigilance prevents us from growing and fully learning that how others see us is not as important as honoring our own nature. The problem is that we end up making others’ perceptions more important than our own.

Over time, we become better at reading whether individuals want us to be consistent physically and intellectually or more in terms feelings and emotions. This allows us to develop a feeling or intellectual response to any situation. Since our experience has taught us not to mix these responses, others may consider us somewhat stilted in our expression. Many times, our behavior is read as being socially undeveloped or inept. Actually, separating these two frameworks is how we maintain a connection with others, even if it is not the way they would like or expect. We also use their misperceptions and allow them to underestimate us, so we can gather a better understanding of who they are and what they want. This is why we frequently surprise others with our insightfulness, the more they come to know us.

We may also find it hard to relax because we are simultaneously concerned with both our safety and long-term security. We can easily become overwhelmed when friends are fighting and we are unable to facilitate a resolution. As we can see both perspectives, it is easy to become entangled in their views about how we should be helping them. It is hard for us to maintain intellectual and emotional boundaries when people are arguing. We develop a sixth sense that tells us to leave a situation when fights are likely to occur. The difficulty we experience comes from absorbing the tension that leads to feeling more anxious, even when we are not directly involved. When conflicts occur and we cannot escape the immediate vicinity, we freeze, going into shutdown mode, hoping to make ourselves less involved. If there is no way to avoid the argument, we try to establish ground rules so neither party canhold our actions (as an independent third party) over us later. Unfortunately, everyone has a tipping point; when under severe stress, we may react in waysothers later regret. After calming down, we may find it challenging to know what to do or how to operate differently. Our desire for the approval of others and our fear of being misunderstood and unappreciated becomes a dilemma where no matter what we do, the future is problematic. The way out of this dilemma is to begin to see how all points of view are acceptable and we do not need to take sides in any way.

We prefer those who are less judgmental and/or more flexible in the perceptions of their truth. We enjoy others who do not need to hold any fixed way and do not seek us out because we will make them feel more stable and secure. This means we are able to build a sense of momentum when others are willing to be more adventurous and playful, which naturally expands our perceptions about possibilities. When we do not need to use our energy to contain reactions, we are more likely to express ourselves. The more we do not need to fix, support or be there for others, the more we can explore who we want to be. This begins the process of questioning authority, admiring strength and adoring openness. Instead of adapting to others, we begin to formulate a course of action that allows us to go deeper within ourselves. We will either seek Mastery, Mystery or both in our interactions. In this way, we become more conscious of our growth process and what works for us. This requires that we balance our need to prove how selfless we are by honoring that we need to be selfish to fully manifest who we are. Without a degree of selfishness, we cannot develop our contribution and be of service to others in any sustainable way.

Occasionally, we get carried away and over commit ourselves, which makes it awkward to reestablish what works in a way that does not cause us to lose face. The challenge is to see that we are stronger than the misperceptions of others. The less we feel compelled to explain ourselves or attempt to put a different face on the situation, the more autonomy we experience. It is key to see that others’ perceptions are inherently their own business and that it is up to them to come to their own conclusions. Any friend or acquaintance who would indiscriminately accept a superficial reinterpretation of what had occurred would not likely be the best friend or supporter. Their lack of personal autonomy would eventually make us question their ability to reflect and honor our experience. Since what we wish to avoid most is abandonment and the risk of rejection, it may be fortuitous that we experience these so that we can see the upside of getting over our fears of being different. It is effective to recognize those individuals with whom we can deepen and release those individuals who cannot engage us in real ways. Fears of rejection and abandonment primarily keep us from growing and honoring the Truth of our creative nature. The paradox of this process is that we need to be able to abandon and/or reject the parts where we have compromised, in order to guarantee our survival.

Unfortunately, we frequently feel (after the fact) that we have not always taken advantage of the opportunities presented. It is time to forgive ourselves for all the second-guessing we have done and focus on fully responding to the moment. While this may keep us from following through on preset plans, it will develop an ability to go deeper and support us in trusting our experience. Learning how to respond and complete a process before moving forward requires that we do not sabotage ourselves by fearing what we want. We need to take our “in-the-moment” experience and allow ourselves to embody it by breathing deeply into it. On each exhale; reflect upon its Beauty, Truth and Goodness. On each inhale; feel it growing within. When we feel complete, take action that is in alignment with our intention. Initially, pick those items where we have the greatest congruence so we will experience our power to manifest. Eventually, seek out more complex or convoluted issues and see if we can own their natural wholeness before taking action to fulfill them. In this way, we learn to embody our intent and align our motivations so things come to fruition.

Our tendency is to respect those with a clear sense of direction and purpose. We wish we were more this way, but instead we are outwardly satisfied that exploring each option piece by piece is necessary to get where we want to go. Ultimately, we realize we prefer to take things slowly and examine the positives and negatives of each choice because we want to find a course of action that is independently and uniquely our own and not defined by others. Instead of constraining ourselves to what is known, we now begin to see the value of engaging the unknown. In these situations, we need to be prepared to think outside the previous framework and embrace more of the chaos inherent in unexpected results. Our capacity to be outwardly flexible to please others can now be turned inwardly to create more possibilities in how we define ourselves. For example, which ways of being generate a natural sense of power and congruence. What interests or life questions naturally uplift and call forth a commitment to deepen in some way? Which individuals actually bring out greater harmony, focus or an ability to manifest who we authentically are? It is time to examine how we want to create a new direction or focus onour development that supports the evolution of our capacity to contribute.

The result is that we come to incorporate more options and begin to operate with a sense of greater choice. This expansion is frequently experienced as being arrogant, self-obsessive and even delusional, particularly if it calls on us to step into our power. We are being invited to take a stand for contributing in a way that may not initially be comfortable. This fear is a natural result of stepping outside our defensive safety and security frameworks. We frequently find ourselves taking actions that are unimaginable. Not only are we breaking down our defensive frameworks, but we are embracing the possibility that our creativity will triumph. Coming to enjoy this process means we have either become more aware of our body sensations and are using them to get into action or we are becoming more cognizant that we are able to think without judgment so our thoughts become powerful, creative tools with others. In either situation, we are more willing to take risks to explore our Beauty and Truth, rather than fantasizing about it. Another way of describing this is the increased sensitivity we have to either our sensations and feelings or emotions and thoughts. The important thing to recognize is that we will no longer be tolerant of others physically Objectifying or intellectually Subjectifyingus so that we are at the effect of them. Instead we will hold forth and honor our own experience even if others do not agree with us.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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