Aliveness (Enhanced By Cellular Affinity)

Lesson 1:  Owning Our Knowing

Introduction

The Skill of Aliveness is enhanced by being present in our bodies. When we are present, we can sense not only our degree of wellbeing, but the degree of wellbeing in others. This process is about owning what we know when we know it. Aliveness is the capacity to sense what is Life affirming vs. what dulls our senses. For some, it is about awakening to our own inner experience. The more we embody this process, the greater our ability to know what is going on with ourselves physically so we can make better choices about others on this level. When Aliveness is enhanced by this sense of Cellular Affinity we instinctively know that Excitement distracts us. Instead, we learn to affirm and trust those people with whom we can relax because they resonate with our Aliveness. When others do not resonate Aliveness, this reflects they are caught up in instinctive fantasy programs. The obstacles to Aliveness are Arrogance and the belief that we are smart.

When we are conscious of the power of Aliveness, we are often confused when others do not embrace it. Embracing Aliveness is about a willingness to take charge and make something happen. Aliveness often involves being adventurous or taking risks. It is also feels repulsed by those who cannot or will not grow. When we are Alive with others who share our Aliveness, it creates a bond called Cellular Affinity, where we share the ebb and flow of Life experiences. In these experiences, our learning becomes something we can share with our partners. Since we are connected at this core level, we can transfer our experiences with little confusion or loss of fidelity. It is this kind of sharing we sought with our parents. This is one of the reasons why we keep hanging on to the possibility we can recreate our parental pattern with our current partners. The irony is that by fixating on this loss we successfully attract partners who represent our parents and at the same time we cannot be Alive with them.

If we choose Excitement over Aliveness it blocks us from experiencing the joy of Aliveness. If we do have Aliveness and our partner is anchored in Excitement, it creates tension and fear that we will lose the relationship. This becomes the basis for many obsessions or codependent expressions of need in the relationship. Aliveness awakens us to these issues and provides a way to escape. It is about taking the risk to let it all hang out, even if others do not see us. If someone cannot go into Aliveness, there is no bonding, and therefore little stability. In Excitement, we fear is others will not validate us as we see ourselves. This becomes more difficult when we do not accurately see ourselves and become a legend in our own minds.

We focus on our masculine side, either pleading or demanding that others see us in a particular way. The problem with this is we are seldom willing to show ourselves as we are, so we end up fixated on our image by doing superficial things to be remembered. We try to get seen for being smart, sharp or directive and assured. This means we can create a larger Context by embracing both Aliveness and Excitement. Aliveness is actually a super-set of all the above, without an attachment to an image. We just need to let go. While it is about confidence, it is also about being genuine. Looking Smart is not the same being Smart.

The only way we experience our own Aliveness is when others are Alive with us. This points out how useful it is to be around those with a lot of Aliveness, so we can grow more accustomed to it. Just imagine what it could be like when stepping into a new possibility and not knowing what will happen next. We want to get used to being in the unknown whenever we are doing Skills. Otherwise, we become attached to our image and what we look like. Aliveness is also the opposite of Excitement. This is because Excitement de-focuses us and promotes false Attachments that can become addictions. Aliveness, conversely, focuses us and frees us from false Attachments and Conditioning. It is about being true to our own experience and knowing who is aligned with us.

Arrogance is the attempt to look Smart.It could help us engage our true inner knowing if we were willing to acknowledge what we do not know.Arrogance is the attempt to look smarter than we are because we are concerned about how others will judge us.  As long as what others think of us means more to us than what we think for ourselves, Arrogance will continue to be a problem. The more self-conscious we are about how others perceive us, the more distracted we will be in our own Thinking. Arrogance, therefore, actually ends up making us look more incompetent than we realize. The more we can move beyond information or knowledge as Content and begin to see that our Aliveness and the ability to respond in the moment is our true knowing, the more we transcend this lesson. Aliveness reflects our Connection to our knowing and ourselves. Instead of focusing on what others might think and editing ourselves, let us practice being present and listening to them.  Let us also practice giving ourselves space to check and validate what we know before jumping into exciting interactions with others.


Aliveness is a Skill, like others, where if we do not connect to our own Aliveness, there is no way we can connect to others with Aliveness. It is about taking the risk to let it all hang out, even if others do not see us. What we fear is others will not validate us as we see ourselves. We focus on our masculine side, either pleading or demanding that others see us in a particular way. The problem with this is we are seldom willing to show ourselves as we are, so we end up fixated on our image by doing superficial things to be remembered. We try to get seen for being smart, sharp or directive and assured. Aliveness is actually a super-set of all the above, without an attachment to an image. While it is about confidence, it is also about being genuine. Looking Smart is not the same being Smart.

The only way we experience our own Aliveness is when others are Alive with us. This points out how useful it is to be around those with a lot of Aliveness, so we can grow more accustomed to it. Just imagine what it could be like when stepping into a new possibility and not knowing what will happen next. We want to get used to being in the unknown whenever we are doing Skills. Otherwise, we become attached to our image and what we look like. Aliveness is also the opposite of Excitement. If we are doing Excitement, Aliveness is off the table. This is because Excitement de-focuses us and promotes false Attachments that can become addictions. Aliveness, conversely, focuses us and frees us from false Attachments and Conditioning.

It is when we are excited that we are particularly checked out of our own knowing. The more excited we are, the more we are in a Fantasy world where our perceptions of what they think of us is more important than being who we are.  Actually, if we get beneath our Arrogance and are more present with our truth, without being overly identified it, we will notice that others appreciate us more. This becomes obvious when others are attracted to us for our ability to respond in our knowing, moment-to-moment. The key issue is that are projected image of knowing, which includes Arrogance, is not actually what others perceive about us, particularly if they are Conscious. The only people who will believe our Arrogance is a reflection of our knowing, are those who are doing the same thing. This is why this pattern is an unconscious, Instinctive expression where we are attempting to fit in and be perceived as Smart so others will listen to us. Honoring our natural intelligence releases the pressure to perform. On a larger level, this process helps us integrate our Primary, Secondary and Mental Body Intelligence into one unique expression. What we need to do is learn to pace ourselves and check in to what our own Experience is, rather than get caught up in believing what others want us to believe.We can remind ourselves to get into Aliveness, by taking a breath, pausing, and synching up with ourselves.

The value in mastering this lesson is that we won’t automatically fall for what others want us to believe about them because we will notice when people are not congruent with their own truth. This is possible because in learning how to calibrate to our own Experience, we will become clearer that any ‘buzziness’ or disconnection from our own truth, will demonstrate how much we are checked out. Becoming Conscious of how the motive of Arrogance automatically leads to either the attraction of Excitement or Aliveness allows us to be actually Smart by choosing to be physically present with each individual. Another aspect of this process is learning how to be present and unattached to our own truth so we are able to listen to others more effectively. This reflects how many of us feel unheard, unseen, and unappreciated for who we are. When we are carrying around this belief, it amplifies our need to affirm our truth and Experience, over the truth and Experience of others. Many of us justify this way of operating because of all the negative assessments, Judgments that were made about us previously. Ultimately, we need to learn to forgive others and ourselves and come to a neutral place where our knowing does not need to be amplified over others to be real.

When we reach this place of Balance, Presence and Aliveness with our own knowing, then ultimately we will have more power to influence our world. This occurs because Arrogance and Excitement and an attachment to being Smart, all distance us from our own truth, reducing our ability to share it.

Arrogance

Arrogance is a state of conditioning where someone is over attached to what they know, resulting in interactions where they act superior, overbearing or prideful. Arrogance is the need to get others to believe in our exalted Intellectual self-image because internally we doubt our abilities. This shows up as automatically believing our own truth is better than the truth of others. Arrogance reflects an outer attachment to what we know while getting others to doubt themselves and agree with us. This is why Arrogance is a lower motive: it requires an insecure individual who asserts their truth and another who is unwilling or unable to do anything but agree with them. Arrogance is not attractive over time because it wears down the submissive Partner. When most have had this Experience, it is unlikely they will want to repeat it. While Arrogance is not attractive on a personal level, there is considerable pressure in society to prove how much we know in order to make a good first impression. Since others are looking for confirmation and reassurance that we are up to the job, it is almost expected people should exaggerate their capabilities in order to be seen.

Arrogance is the opposite of Greed in that the emptiness becomes a seeming “fullness of self” because we are full self-created ideas and Thoughts which we attempt to project on others. Like Greed, Arrogance is a façade that hides insecurity. The more we are attached to being seen for what we know, the more we reflect an inner belief that we do not know how to get what we need without overstating our knowledge. Where Greed is offset by possessions and Beauty, Arrogance is offset by ideas and the apparent power we create when others believe in our ideas. We can observe individuals in the motive of Arrogance soaking up compliments without ever being aware when those compliments are insincere. When we are in a mode of Arrogance, we cannot see through the lies and deceptions of others because we are so attached to our own vanity and self-importance. Anthropologists studying chimpanzees have confirmed that the male of the species must demonstrate its Survival know-how and strength in a pre-emptive way in order to attract females. This results in a pecking order being established from the most clever and strong down to the least. This is illustrated by many mens’ unwillingness to ask for help or information if they believe they will be judged negatively.

In a motive of Arrogance, we operate from the Context of information or Content that allows us to impress others. We seek Intellectual acknowledgement to offset past creative denials from others. In effect, we want to be seen as high in the Intellectual pecking order. The Buddhists suggest that this exaggeration is based on simple ignorance. Arrogance reflects an underlying fear that we may not be smart or clever enough to succeed and that success depends on distinguishing ourselves through the apparent superiority of our Thoughts. When we believe we not smart enough to be respected, we use artificial humility as a covert Arrogance, so others will not challenge the Beliefs we present. One of the challenges of Arrogance is that we find ourselves using a false show of confidence to undermine another’s confidence so they do not doubt us. In this way, our inner ego constructions make us feel “full of ourselves” because we are overtly identified with our Thoughts, making our outer Experiences even emptier and more boring. We can see Arrogance in others by their pride and attachment to being right even when their natural tendency would be towards shyness. We can confirm this to the degree they are driven to constantly explain themselves when others doubt them.

We heal Arrogance by learning how to listen and see opportunities for learning in every situation. Instead of jumping forward to show what we know, we come to appreciate how letting others show us what they know can help us be more responsive and effective in solving problems. Let us now realize that we already know everything we need to know to be effective in our lives, that pushing knowledge on others just highlights Fears and insecurity. Being open and adaptable to the moment allows us to build a clearer understanding of what information is needed and how the information can be acquired effortlessly. Let us acknowledge that we have always known what we need to know to effectively make the contributions we were designed to make. Knowledge is just one of the five different frameworks of discovery (Sensations, Feelings, Emotions, concrete Thoughts, abstract Thoughts). While our society is particularly fixated on concrete knowledge as the foundation for any contribution, it takes much more than concrete knowing to manifest a full contribution.

Now we will address how to heal our Arrogance. Imagine that we no longer need to prove what we know in order for us to feel substantial or important. Consider how being responsive in our ability to meet others where they are could allow us to use our Thoughts in ways that are more effective with others. Let us begin to see how in our life it is more important to learn and grow with circumstances than to have a fixed understanding of what we think is going on. Let us release the false certainty of outer knowing to engage the richness of our Creative Being. From this inner source, we can see how our Creative Being is a mirror of the Creative Being of others. Our unique gifts can be seen as the imperfections or fault lines of our Experience, which enrich others and us. Let us be willing to share our inner light with others by exchanging our Thoughts in a way that increases their overall clarity. This process illuminates and reveals how new possibilities for self-understanding because the differences reveal our natural contributions to each other. As we begin to explore our inner perception of our Self, let us see how our Growth process keeps us ever evolving in what we know, so we do not become fixed in our Beliefs about what and how we need to be. When we are willing to let go of “looking good”, we can relax into the possibility that every problem can be solved by our creative Presence in the moment.

Imagine how others would be more supportive of our knowing if we were not fixed in having a superior knowing over others. We examine this framework inRelated ArroganceBeliefs”.  Consider how they might be able to engage us with greater flexibility, Acceptance and support, if we do not fixate on being right or proving them not as knowledgeable as we are. Consider our past Experience where our need to be seen as knowledgeable distanced us from the very people we wanted a deeper Connection with. Did this serve our mutual learning process? Let us recognize that what we are actually seeking is the recognition that we can perform the job or service or role effectively. Let us engage this possibility by paying Attention to what we can do to bring out the natural intelligence of others. Instead of demanding that others defer to our knowledge, let us be open and supportive of others’ Self-knowing by engaging them in a learning process wherever possible. Whenever we feel them not admiring us, instead of seeking to prove how much more we know, let us acknowledge them for what they know so that we can build a common Wisdom together. In this Wisdom comes our Freedom from judgment and releases us from the need to be good in the eyes of others.

We suggest that Arrogance reflects a distancing from Wisdom and the ability to learn and grow. Instead, we are attached to cleverness and being seen as smart and cannot see that this practice distances us from true knowing. This is why people who are arrogant gravitate to others with Arrogance to form exclusive societies of self-conceit. This reinforces the idea that there is exclusive knowledge that can be converted into outer power. One of the mantras of Arrogance is “Knowledge is Power.” What this mantra hides is the possibility that, by linking knowledge to power, it is no longer evolutionary but “status quo reactionary.” In other words, as soon as knowledge becomes accepted by a society, it is no longer growing and evolving. If we are wise we are not attached to serving the status quo and therefore have no need to prove what we know.

The arrogant always assume that their Thoughts are the truth. This is a weakness because it allows no possibility for increased self-discovery or Growth. In this way Arrogance is self-defeating because it reduces our ability to see and truly appreciate our own strengths and weaknesses. As a result, we use an artificial sense of confidence to justify what we know and apply our views to the world without any natural limits. In this way, Arrogance supports Illusionary Projections that reflect an inflated self-image. This is why all Arrogance is eventually humbled, as the imperfections that are inherent in Arrogance are revealed. We learn from Arrogance humility and the value of knowledge with others, which we call Wisdom. We eventually see these limitations because Arrogance is inherently separative and will create isolation to the degree embraced.

The Illusion of Control, which is an Instinctive tactic we use to implement our Intentions, is directly related to Arrogance. The more we believe we need to Control circumstances, the more we use our cleverness to preempt the input of others.  This enables us to avoid sensitive areas where the unknown could surprise us. In this way, we can create an image of self-confidence that keeps others from suspecting our true insecurity. Many times, this perspective is enhanced on a personality level by the appearance of being cool, calm, collected and outwardly powerful in our decision-making process. This is usually the opposite of our Experience when we are preparing for our discussions with others. This reflects the degree that we believe we need to present an image of invulnerability. Not only does this image keep us from sharing our actual truth, it reinforces a sense of distancing because we need to appear super-human to pull it off.

When we are operating from a Motive of Arrogance, we are delighted when others make Intellectual mistakes in their presentation because then we can feel secretly superior. The obvious flaws of others justify how we distinguish ourselves through our “exclusive” Thinking. In this way, we reinforce the idea that our contribution is primarily to correct and control others from making mistakes. Arrogance is also dismissive, patriarchal, and eventually poisons all Intellectual Growth in relationships. What others learn is to hide their pain at being judged so they can be around us. Typically others assume this type of relationship to work out issues of authority figures telling them what to do. This, of course, undermines the Self-Respect of everyone who relates to a person doing Arrogance. As arrogant people we demand others’ Respect while denying our own self-Respect. The irony is that Arrogance minimizes all Self-Respect.

The effect, when we are operating from Arrogance, is to first activate the Arrogance of others as a protective mechanism, or, its opposite, of timidity and self-doubt that we have any Intellectual value. Our choice in dealing with Arrogance seems to be to see their Arrogance and “raise them one” or to erupt indignantly. Usually our objections only serve to reinforce the truth of others’ Beliefs about us. This is because individuals operating in Arrogance only value others in terms of their Arrogance. When individuals are operating from Arrogance and others do not embrace their so-called natural Arrogance, they see these individuals as weak. The underlying belief of arrogant individuals is that Arrogance is a human quality that cannot be denied.

Arrogance reflects in this manner how we are living up to the challenge of demonstrating our power to assert ourselves in the world. From the viewpoint of those who are operating in Arrogance, we are either “standing up or confronting life,” or we are lapsing into self-pity and reinforcing our own limitations. Individuals in Arrogance hate to be pitied and see themselves as “victimizing others” for their own good. If they are Conscious of this process, those using Arrogance even view their Arrogance as a stimulus to awaken the humanity of others not living up to their Intellectual possibilities. Actually, Arrogance is infectious and, as it perpetuates a vicious negation of possibilities, emphasizes competition over Cooperation in the discovery of common truths.

Our view of Love can alsocontribute to Arrogance. Symbiotic Robotic Sex is a way of “appearing to connect while actually being disconnected” from others. We focus on the vanity of our outer appearance as a way to distance our self from others. As long as we “look good” we do not need to confront our inner disconnection to our Intellectual self. Arrogance reinforces this perspective because it also shows up as a fixation on our outer appearance to keep people from discovering our inner emptiness. In short, Arrogance reinforces our superficial vanity about appearances as a distraction from Intellectual doubt.Arrogance is similar to Symbiotic Robotic Sex because it is constantly pounding away at the self-image of others to satisfy our own need to be superior. The contempt we feel when others do not directly and aggressively meet us on sexual levels is similar to the distain we feel when others do not stand up for themselves and their Intellectual truth.

The effect of Arrogance is to form a hard shell most identified by a sense of haughtiness and indifference that eventually becomes rigidity that can be seen in the physical body. Our self-focus becomes a demand for others to accept our truth (over their own). Our rigidity in Thinking keeps us from seeing the holes in our own Thought process. Our inflexible Thoughts eventually become crystallized and our conceitedness becomes more obvious as we can no longer hide our pride about our exclusivity. Our internal judge keeps us from affirming and valuing the contributions and Thoughts of others. Instead, we are left with our own fear of being superseded. Arrogance increasingly makes us poisonous to other human beings. Others learn to accept and deal with our limitations because we are not able or willing to change. In this way, we get what we have given, which is an exclusive selfishness, which becomes a barrier to spiritual Growth and service. The cost of Arrogance is isolation, inability to grow and loneliness.

The hidden denied belief is the default assumption that we operate from when we are Unconscious. This reflects the worst-case scenario where we are self-identified with our Thoughts and are unable to consider the Thoughts of others without denying our Personality Self. By over-identifying with Thoughts, any threats to these Thoughts are then perceived as an attack on our self. In this situation our Arrogance is absolute and we believe completely in the superiority of our perceptions. Fortunately, not many people are this fixated in their self-concept. Individuals such as Hitler, Stalin, Atila the Hun and Napoleon all represent individuals who, in absolute confidence in their superiority and self-knowledge, allowed their ideas and self-concept to possess them and shape their lives in a way that was outside of their control. As we can see from these examples their victimization of others knew no limits. As a result they were greatly feared as others discovered that any disagreement with them led to being killed. We heal this by realizing that our Thoughts are expressions of us, not who we are.

In our attempts to distance ourselves from the effect we have on others when we are arrogant, we believe that we need to “break a few eggs” to make a good omelet. There is always some justification for what we do because we do not know how to be harmless and to allow others to share their truth with us. Intellectual receptivity indicates Intellectual maturity. When we are arrogant it is even hard to listen to others when they have different opinions from us. Ironically it requires us to go beyond our fixed Thoughts or positions to stimulate us to grow in our Thinking process. The more we close down to new Thoughts, the more it reinforces old ways of Thinking and, as a result, we become trapped in our past.

The more we identify with our appearance and the outer results we create, the less we see any contrary effects. One great example of this is how being arrogant trains others not to challenge us. In this way, we never hear about the pain and problems our views create in the lives of those around us. This means that we do not appreciate how we have feet of clay and make “mistakes” as any human will. Instead, we fixate on the good we see we are doing and deny how we objectify or “subjectify” others around us. No one is seen as an equal, which prevents true Partnership and Growth. All personal imperfection is denied as we learn how to present our Personal Achievements in a way where nothing is a mistake.

Some individuals evolve from Intellectual Arrogance to Spiritual Arrogance. In this situation we either feel we are special because of a few deep Experiences or we take pride in our self for being part of an in-crowd. What we seek is a coveted position of Respect from others. We can validate that this occurs when we try to assume a certain eminence over other people. This reflects either an overt or covert self-idealization where we can validate our so-called spiritual attainment. In our Experience, any attainment is not an embodiment if we use it to make ourselves special over others. If we have to project any particular image of being superior over others, it reflects Arrogance at the core. Spiritually, we are all equals.

Spiritual Arrogance can also lead to proselytizing or pushing our way as the only way for others to achieve enlightenment. All such endeavors are the idealization of spirituality without being authentically spiritual. As we discover our true spiritual and creative nature, we know how to engage others where they are and not to judge any situation as being better than any other situation. Everything becomes ordinary and we treasure our natural energetic Connection over any dissonant Intellectual perceptions. As Arrogance keeps us from seeing the truth of what is going on around us, true creative engagement helps us to see what is going on around us. To accomplish this we have to come to understand that the meaning we assign to things is just one perspective of many in the Universe. When we can honor our perspective without projecting it onto others, we will have found our natural humility and will be able to operate with others harmlessly.

Smart

Smartness in others reflects an internal comfort and Acceptance of our own smartness. We typically seek others who we perceive match or exceed our smartness (in certain ways) so Intellectual stimulation occurs in the relationship. When we choose individuals with different kinds (musical, bodily/kinesthetic, spatial, intrapersonal (based on self knowing), interpersonal (based on knowing others) and logical/mathematical) or levels (concrete, experiential or abstract) of intelligence, it either reflects that we seek a particular type of stimulation or that we are threatened by individuals who may match or exceed us in our self-perception of intelligence. The challenge is to not believe in the absolute accuracy of our evaluation of intelligence, because there are many kinds. When we get fixed in Judgments about smartness, it manifests as doubt, which only reduces our ability to connect with our Partner.

From a personality level, when others evaluate the smartness of our Partner, and they see we have an equal or smarter Partner, their perception about us may improve. Conversely, some men and women who seek Intellectually subservient Partners may gain Respect or Esteem from friends who had negative Experiences by having equal Partners. On an Instinctive level, this reflects the drive to have more intelligent children and to mate with those who will produce the offspring most able to survive. The irony is that the more we fixate on the smartness of our Partners as the primary reason to choose them, the less confidence we have in keeping them. We seek Smart Partners many times when we are not comfortable with our own intelligence. Usually this reflects how others have discounted the truth rather than our innate capability or us. What we need to remember is that perceptions of intelligence are mainly misguided and inaccurate. Until we recognize there are seven different types of intelligence, and each person possesses three of them, we won’t even be able to effectively assess the intelligence of another.

Aliveness

Alivenessis the ability to be present with ourselves in this moment and respond authentically to others. Excitement is the opposite of Aliveness and encourages us to fantasize possibilities as a way of distracting ourselves from what is truly present. When we are Alive, we are able to go beyond the outer distractions of Excitement and focus on what is directly on our path and engage it. Through Aliveness we learn to grow by taking risks. We learn though trial and error that not showing up clearly inhibits our Growth. We discover that we have everything to gain by putting ourselves in the process 100%. This means confronting the fear of Aliveness that is prevalent in our society. Whenever we hold ourselves back or make the comfortable Safe and Secure choice, we lose opportunities.

It is easy to be distracted by our own mental chatter where we are defined by both our past and/or our idealized future. If we are defining ourselves in terms of our past, we attempt to protect ourselves by doing things that we know have worked out. If we are idealizing the future, we are only willing to engage those things that we know will make things better for us. Through Aliveness we learn how to listen to those voices and find a third way of engaging our fear of death. This means being receptive and vulnerable while at the same time being passionate and committed to some larger possibility. Aliveness is what makes us live without regret and know we have fully lived our lives. Mutual Aliveness allows us to connect our Intent so that we can support each other in manifesting our dreams.

The quality of Aliveness is the Masculine expression of Growth. Aliveness encourages us to deepen, embrace, and live life to the fullest, knowing that this unique opportunity will not come again. We learn the value of transcending our Safety concerns and take risks to ‘seize the day.’ Through Aliveness, our human timidity becomes ardor, and we aspire to express the best in us. At the core of our being, we Experience the will, which we need to learn and grow from our relationships. With each day, our sense of Mastery in relationships increases, as we become examples of how to be passionate, exuberant and powerful in the pursuit of our highest contribution with others. Aliveness is the acknowledgement that we will not give up in our desire ‘to be all we can be.’

We need to turn our Excitement into Aliveness by getting into action with each other in ways that honor the relationship. Aliveness is the primary way to be present and aligned to the choices we make in Partners. The more we are not present in choosing appropriate Partners, the more we are likely to be drawn into Excitement where we lose ourselves in our fantasies. This is our way of protecting ourselves when we get lost in our fantasies. We do not have to make a choice to grow with and engage others. There are three ways we get caught in Excitement: 1) we can attempt to control it by focusing on our Sensations (Masculine externalization); 2) we can distance ourselves and lose our sense of identity by idealizing it (Feminine internalization); or 3) we can ignore and distract ourselves completely (retreating into role-playing). We can summarize these options as first a Dynamic point of view, second, a Disarming point of view, then third, as a Distant point of view. See diagram Aliveness Model.


The first option typically represents the Dynamic Defense Style approach where we subjectify the Thoughts of Excitement into a course of action that represents our Intention. When we are Dynamic we use Excitement to motivate us to take action with others to keep them engaged. As long as we try to control Excitement, it increases the tension we Experience which eventually allows us to release this energy in orgasm. It is important to notice that we accomplish this through a layering of Sensations and try to avoid interpreting our Experience in a manner that makes us feel dependent on others. Instead the focus is primarily on the Sensation level because in childhood we may not have had that much Attention or affection. Some individuals have reported being smothered with Feelings that did not feel sincere to them, which made it difficult to interpret Excitement in a Feeling way.

The second option, where we idealize Excitement reflects more of a titillation Experience. This Disarming Defense Style approach encourages us to fixate on recovering the Feelings that were denied in early childhood. Certain types of Connection and contact stimulate these Feelings of closeness, tenderness, and home. It is more about the energetic tone of the Connection than any particular stimulus that allows us to Experience Excitement without being controlled by it. We end up trying to reconnect those pieces of us that were disconnected in the erotic energy of sex. Sometimes we do not know we are in certain relationships or even why we want to be sexual with someone because we are driven by these primarily Unconscious associations to recover the Connection we lost so long ago. This titillation process is the polar opposite of the direct stimulus response model above.

Individuals operating in controlled Excitement are attracted to those operating in idealized Excitement because they complete each other in certain ways. In option one, where we control Excitement, we anchor ourselves in Sensations and respond accordingly. In option two, where Excitement titillates us, we anchor ourselves in our Feelings and are drawn to those who take action quickly. In most relationships the Partners occasionally switch and instead of needing Feelings they need Sensations. This means that the Partner has to shift in order to balance them or it results in a reduction in the sense of connectedness between them.It is common for individuals who are trying to control their Excitement to be more time centered which irritates those who idealize Excitement, preferring not to frame the Experience in time. On a Gender Identity level, this shows up for men as not being able to relax into the sexual Experience while women require more stimulation over a longer period of time to be fully engaged. 

The third option is to operate in superficial Gender Identity roles. In this case Excitement becomes more about directing the fantasies we have about someone and not the Experience of being with them. Excitement becomes about avoiding reality. In this scenario we relate to the idea of who they are so we can distance ourselves from the reality that may not be as pleasant. As long as we abandon ourselves to Excitement, we do not have to change or deal with the reality of our life. In this way, we can maintain the inner Illusion that we are powerful over our Partner because they need us. The other way we protect ourselves is by using Excitement to hook our Partners into meeting us so we can feel more secure. When others are excited about us, we Experience their willingness to conform to us and do what we say. The only way our Partners can protect themselves from this process is by denying their Excitement, which makes it impossible for either one of to have an advantage.

When we deny Aliveness we do so by avoiding, controlling or idealizing Excitement. Since Enthusiasm can take us beyond our Personality Self, sometimes we are afraid to engage Excitement because we do not know that we can control it. We get caught in the Paradox of needing Connection but being afraid of it as well. When this occurs, individuals operate with a sense of desperation and neediness that appears unattractive. We seek to not get hooked by others because we have been hurt in the past. It also reflects that both our mother and father metaphorically were not good examples to teach us about engaging life.

We need to either engage the Masculine side by controlling our Excitement (instead of the Excitement of others) or engage the Feminine side by using titillation not internally, but externally with others, which hooks them into fulfilling our Desires. Dynamic Defense Style individuals, upon deeper investigation, will begin to realize that they control the Excitement of others as a way to protect themselves from being more excited.

Disarming Defense Style individuals will begin to see that they distance themselves from the Excitement of others as a way of protecting themselves. As both of these are a form of conditional engagement we are not typically balanced in our Connection to others and therefore it is hard to maintain a stable Connection.

It is not until we take a stand that we can embody Aliveness in our Selves without compromise that we turn our Excitement into action.

Being Alive is the Commitment to engage life directly without letting our Fears discount or deny our opportunities. Aliveness requires that we be simultaneously present in our Sensations and Feeling and not be submerged by either or both. It requires us to be aware enough to deal with our internal Experience so that we can also be present with what is going on external to us. True Aliveness operates in our in-the-moment truth of who we are, where we are and what we are doing. It means that reflects that we are able to be present with our own Experiences so we then have a choice of how to interpret the Experience of others in the moment. When we do not Experience this choice we are at the effect of others which means that we are falling into a state of Excitement. Excitement is always a Projection of how we believe others will respond to us. This is why most things that excite us also reflect past “incompletions” where our truth was not honored fully.

Aliveness is a reflection of Masculine Intent, where we develop Mastery over our environment by taking charge and making something happen. Channeling our impulses into action is a natural way to express our Masculine side. We build a sense of self-Esteem when we accomplish our goals. The benefit of embodying Aliveness is that we no longer have any one to blame if something we want does not happen. We feel pain and regret when we are not demonstrating Aliveness and Commitment to our Self-expression. Coming Alive is manifested by our ability to share our truth (that is, personal Experience) harmlessly and Joyfully.

When we share our reality with others, our ability to risk their disagreement validates and completes our Experience. Aliveness is therefore the basis for complete, in-depth listening. Occasionally, we get so caught up in our own Experience that we believe it is a common, objective truth because others seem to reflect it. All it really means is that others have accepted our Experience and hope we will accept their Experience. When we are Alive, we assert that our personal Experience is not something we should deny in order to please others. We are also able to take action despite the concerns or Fears of others. In this way, Aliveness helps us to transcend our conditioning.

Esteeming the Aliveness of others (by acknowledging their Playfulness, Paradox and ability to learn together) brings out our natural Aliveness. Aliveness is enhanced when we are willing to take risks together. First, we must be willing to be seen making mistakes. This, of course, is difficult when we grew up being judged for everything we did or did not do. Based on the number of individuals participating whom we care about, every performance becomes riskier. This pressure occurs to the degree we naturally Esteem and Love our Self for both our strengths and weaknesses. The more we believe that we need to hide the parts of us that are weak or bad, the more we are sensitive to the judgment of others. Risks are opportunities to step out of our shadow world and Conscious engage options that are outside of our Conscious control. When we accomplish things we did not know we could, we raise our Esteem and Aliveness. Every “failure” becomes a success in the framework of growing, because it shows us how something did not work or was not in Alignment with our path.

The response of others who Love us is always to be supportive and honor our initiative. Only those who are threatened by our strength discount and deny us. They will also be the ones who judge us because they primarily fear change in their lives and need to see us fail to justify their lack of initiative. The way we learn is to protect our self from the Judgments of Unconscious individuals is to eliminate risk-taking, and adopt a “Safety first” perspective that permits us to get along. The cost to us is being “boxed in” where we forget Aliveness and therefore need Excitement as a substitute. The Excitement framework allows us to see our self as good if we succeed, and bad if we fail. This reinforces the pattern of seeking Safety by avoiding risk. This leaves us in a situation where every failure reduces our self -Esteem, so our not engaging opportunities minimize our loss of self-Esteem. As a result, we seek to make others believe we are good in order to build our self-Esteem. In summary, Excitement, Anxiety and Intensity are dualistic frameworks where everything is defined into good or bad, black or white, better or worse. In effect, all dualistic frameworks are judgmental and ultimately self-defeating.

Aliveness has a unifying Intent that permits us to engage life fully and completely, leaving no room for regret. We can quickly recover our Aliveness when we are around Conscious individuals who engage risk effectively and recognize its necessity in any Growth process. Aliveness frees us from the burden of maintaining a self-image because even if individuals are afraid of taking risks, they will admire us more for engaging these processes. Ironically, the more we are being our Self, the more naturally others will admire us; while the more we try to be admired, the more they will feel free to discount us. When we are Conscious of this pattern, we can both honor our creative aspirations by taking risks and release our Fears of being judged and rejected by taking action to move us forward in our life.

The more we honor and are present with our own Aliveness, the easier it is for us to Self Validate our own Experience. When we are Alive, we are willing to engage the world fully without withholding any aspect of ourselves. The Experience is larger than the interpretation. Our energetic flow is not controlled or limited by what we know or think. We are committed playfully and passionately to expressing our Creative Self fully. The virtue of Trusting our Experience only expands when we are willing to challenge it. Self-Validation is the natural result of honoring our truth and recognizing that we need to begin to create our own internal reality to grow in the world. This means that society’s general truths are only hypotheses until we personally Experience them. Without Self Validation, we are unable to do Conscious Growth and develop the complexity that will allow us to contribute in larger ways. We need to learn how to acknowledge our personal Experience to be able to expand our interactions with others in creative transpersonal ways.

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© Copyright 2016, Larry Byram. All Rights Reserved.

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